Well, At Least It Has Three Acts
November 29, 2004 3:58 PM   Subscribe

Just how bad are some of the ideas floating around in Hollywood? Very, very, very bad. Perhaps guys like this will prevent such monstrosities...and if not, at least there will be mockery to get us through.
posted by OhPuhLeez (26 comments total)
This made me laugh so hard that I think some of my fillings fell out. Ow.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:07 PM on November 29, 2004

Tsunami of Slaughter sounds kinda like Buckaroo Banzai.
posted by inksyndicate at 4:19 PM on November 29, 2004

"The page cannot be displayed"

Do you have to be a blogspot member or something?

The Wordplay thing was pretty good:

"Hello! My name is Mindy. I've been blind since birth, but that's not going to stop me from finding out who killed my loving husband. With the help of Rofl, my trusty golden retriever... "

Rofl, indeed! ;- )
posted by Doohickie at 4:21 PM on November 29, 2004

Odd, Doohickie - I'm not a member of Blogspot, and I would definitely have warned you if you needed to sign up.

Perhaps you're just being protected :)?
posted by OhPuhLeez at 4:31 PM on November 29, 2004

This was hilarious. Strangely enough, I am in the process of sending out a completed script, although not via query letters. As the linked article astutely points out:

Real results, they say, come from phone calls and personal contacts. Then you send out the script with a simple cover letter, and get on with your life. I will say this: these folk do have a point. Writing a query letter is almost always an act of futility.

I'm not sure whether this post makes me feel better or worse overall about my chances in the screenwriting business. OK, better...definitely better.
posted by rooftop secrets at 4:41 PM on November 29, 2004

If these people were smart, they'd send their ideas to Jerry Bruckheimer. Just be sure to add in a wacky black character.
posted by bob sarabia at 4:45 PM on November 29, 2004

Remember, Hollywood made Chronicles of Riddick.

None of these other premises seem much of a stretch from that movie. Unfortunately. :(
posted by Colloquial Collision at 5:11 PM on November 29, 2004

Very funny. Bravo.
posted by squealy at 5:19 PM on November 29, 2004

Remember, for 5 bucks, The Singing Law Student is a login of manly distinction!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:37 PM on November 29, 2004

Man, some of these are priceless. I almost keep seeing "They fight Crime!" at the end of everything.
posted by bdave at 5:59 PM on November 29, 2004

Glad to see this site show up here; it rocks.

Some of those movies are actually being greenlighted, too.
posted by First Post at 7:18 PM on November 29, 2004

Sad and hilarious.

But yes, some of these are less laughable than National Treasure, which to my amazement not only got made, but actually made money.
posted by O9scar at 8:11 PM on November 29, 2004

Terrific link.
posted by thomas j wise at 8:17 PM on November 29, 2004

It gives me a sense of hope that someday I'll be able to convince Hollywood to film my story about when I got an ingrown toenail.
posted by ZachsMind at 9:00 PM on November 29, 2004

Lindsay Lohan is....

JHC, I'm having a heart attack from laughing so hard. Our species is doomed. Dooooomed!
posted by Scoo at 9:01 PM on November 29, 2004

OhPuhLeez-- The links work fine on my other computer; I must have some kind of parental control set on the old one.....
posted by Doohickie at 9:44 PM on November 29, 2004

Great links! Especially that second one. So THAT'S where Hollywood is!
posted by painquale at 10:07 PM on November 29, 2004

Some of these things are being greenlighted? That's the funny thing about this - if you want to be a screenwriter, you really have to come up with ideas this inane and constantly throw them out to see if they stick. And the more bizarre and asinine the idea (especially if it's simple and stupid) the more likely you'll stick out from the pack and be noticed.
posted by fungible at 10:09 PM on November 29, 2004

Gold Jerry, gold!
posted by Quartermass at 10:24 PM on November 29, 2004

In one of the National Lampoon True Facts issues there was a full-page ad taken out in variety by an abysmal aspiring TV writer, with his three surefire ideas. One was about a witch that turned mean football players into gays, and another involved a river that magically freeze-dried and de-freeze-dried corpses from various historical eras, so that each week could be an entirely new adventure. Ponder now the dollar signs flashing in their eyes as they type this stuff up: for some reason the truly awful writer cannot comprehend a universe in which he is not totally sweet and awesome.

There was a kid in film school who refused to let others see his script in a screenwriting class, because the other kids would just steal his ideas, like an anthropomorphic mantis fighting a giant glowing eye for twenty minutes. He later whined that he couldn't understand why they had to watch "All About Eve" for class when his dialog was so much better.

Ah, genius. And this link is full of genius.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:43 PM on November 29, 2004

"Did I mention his best friend is a Talking Pie?"
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 10:54 PM on November 29, 2004

"When push comes to shove, who does a mother save -- herself or her aborted but live infant child?"

Now here's a warm, holiday movie if ever there was!
posted by Dizzy Bint at 11:54 PM on November 29, 2004

Doohickie -

I'm SO glad to hear that at least children are protected from this!
posted by OhPuhLeez at 2:19 AM on November 30, 2004

I gave up on Hollywood when I saw my first "Dodgeball" billboard.

posted by Doohickie at 6:00 AM on November 30, 2004

If only we could fit a monkey into this thread.
posted by ZachsMind at 11:33 AM on November 30, 2004

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