less of a sauce, more of a glaze ...
November 29, 2005 10:49 AM   Subscribe

The longlisted passages for the Bad Sex in Fiction award are available from the BBC. Founded by the Literary Review of London in 1993, the award "honors" the worst (published) sex writing (by popular authors). Will it be John Updike? Gabriel Garcia Marquez? Salman Rushdie?
posted by mrgrimm (30 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

I was almost scared away from sexual activity forever by certain passages in Updike's "Rabbit" series, which I read in high school, so he's an old hand at this sort of thing...and his entry this year is pretty awful. But I gotta go with Winkler by Giles Coren: "Like Zorro."
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:56 AM on November 29, 2005

Insert Scooter Libby bear-fucking joke here.
posted by kalimac at 11:03 AM on November 29, 2005

It is the one drawback of fellatio as conscientious as hers that it eliminates the chance for small talk and poetry alike.
posted by mek at 11:15 AM on November 29, 2005

yeah these are pretty bad.
posted by j-urb at 11:20 AM on November 29, 2005

fucking hell.
posted by NationalKato at 11:26 AM on November 29, 2005

MetaFilter: It is the one drawback of fellatio...
Umm, on second thought, nevermind.
posted by mystyk at 11:37 AM on November 29, 2005

"Airplane! Airplane!"

posted by jokeefe at 11:47 AM on November 29, 2005

Tally ho indeed
posted by jouke at 11:48 AM on November 29, 2005

I think this has to be the winner, though: "...a demon eel thrashing in his loins and swimming swiftly up his cock, one whole creature of live slime fighting the stiffness as it rose and bulged at the tip and darted into her mouth."

Though the nurse shouting "Tally-ho" is pretty good too.

And by good, I mean absolutely awful.
posted by jokeefe at 11:50 AM on November 29, 2005

Bad as the Updike is -- and it is spectacularly bad even for him -- the winner (?) has to be the nurse. That passage actually has the words "straining mahood" in it!

Oh and:

Metafilter: Like Zoro.
posted by The Bellman at 11:54 AM on November 29, 2005

I kind of liked the Updike passage...?

I mean, I know that this list is meant all in good fun, but a lot of the time, you've gotta put the scene and the language in context with the rest of the novel. I don't think Updike was exactly going for "sexy." For better or worse, it didn't seem like a terribly inaccurate description of sex.

But I guess I'm just a spoil-sport.
posted by StopMakingSense at 11:55 AM on November 29, 2005

He came and he came - we are dealing with a hero here. At one point his lover backed away to inspect the unaltered gush of it, like a plumber saying to a customer, "Don't blame me. This water supply will stop when the dam's empty."


I think I've read stuff on fanfiction.net better than this lot.
posted by kosher_jenny at 11:57 AM on November 29, 2005

I guess I'm just a spoil-sport.

I actually didn't think some of them were *that* bad, either.

I'm torn between Brando, Coren, Eltron, and Grossman (seems like they threw in Aziz just to have a woman), but I gotta go with Coren in the end. Like Zorro, indeed.

I also learned a new word: cheongsam.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:00 PM on November 29, 2005

I liked parts of the Updike too. "M of receptivity" was nice. I think it was the "sauce" / "glaze" part that was cringeworthy.

Updike in his prime was hard to beat.

Perfection Wasted

And another regrettable thing about death
is the ceasing of your own brand of magic,
which took a whole life to develop and market --
the quips, the witticisms, the slant
adjusted to a few, those loved ones nearest
the lip of the stage, their soft faces blanched
in the footlight glow, their laughter close to tears,
their tears confused with their diamond earrings,
their warm pooled breath in and out with your heartbeat,
their response and your performance twinned.
The jokes over the phone. The memories
packed in the rapid-access file. The whole act.
Who will do it again? That's it: no one;
imitators and descendants aren't the same.

John Updike
posted by vronsky at 12:06 PM on November 29, 2005

"M of receptivity" was nice.

I actually can't quite get my mind around that. An "M"? Does the character have some extra body part that I don't? Weird image, and doesn't make sense to me.

Also the penis cyclopeanishly staring back at its owner is hysterical.
posted by jokeefe at 12:27 PM on November 29, 2005

A woman, seen from between her legs (which are slightly elevated), while lying on her back, creates an M-like shape.

Now you know.
posted by klangklangston at 12:33 PM on November 29, 2005

If you put 5 typewriters in a room of 10 monkeys for 3 years, they'll write the next Dean Koontz novel.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 12:37 PM on November 29, 2005

I thought the Rushdie passage was nice: a lot of charaterization going on in there. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a little bit funny.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:52 PM on November 29, 2005

yeah the Rushdie was alright, its the lobster i cant get over.
posted by j-urb at 3:03 PM on November 29, 2005

For me, the one that stands out (heh) the most is the Zorro passage, mainly for the simply terrible writing style - dick dick dick dick. For the love of FSM, someone hand that man a thesaurus!
posted by coriolisdave at 3:35 PM on November 29, 2005

*nods* I too found the Rushdie passage to be okay-- well, save for the "pot of fire" bit.
posted by May Kasahara at 3:38 PM on November 29, 2005

The Guardian is not the same as the BBC
posted by atrazine at 5:48 PM on November 29, 2005

The Guardian is not the same as the BBC

D'oh! I posted it pretty fast this morning while I was working. I do have a massive blind spot when it comes to British news orgs. Sorry, everyone. Feel free to change it, anyone who has the ability ...
posted by mrgrimm at 6:26 PM on November 29, 2005

Adding to the derail, does it seem odd how frequently the Guardian has been linked to recently? I'm not complaining--they're usually interesting links, at least good for a five minute distraction if nothing else--it just seems queer.
posted by voltairemodern at 9:29 PM on November 29, 2005

Alright, after looking at the front page, I guess I'm just losing my mind. Or only clicking on links to the Guardian. Or something. Nevermind...
posted by voltairemodern at 9:32 PM on November 29, 2005

i found none of the excerpts exceptionally bad.. still a funny award
posted by suni at 12:12 AM on November 30, 2005

Ben Elton is the worst. Always the worst.
posted by johnny novak at 2:49 AM on November 30, 2005

Must be Zorro.
posted by grouse at 5:00 AM on November 30, 2005

Never mind the bad sex writing, where's the good sex writing?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:04 AM on December 2, 2005

« Older Canadians urge Parliament to hold hearings on...   |   Gender Discrimination on Airlines Newer »

This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments