Lookout - Santa's packing!

December 29, 2005 9:06 AM

Of all the Christmas cards I received this year from political action committees, this one from the Citizens Committee for the Right to Keep & Bear arms best summed up the holiday spirit to me.
posted by jonson (75 comments total)

Paranoia is "the new black."
posted by clevershark at 9:08 AM on December 29, 2005

So very, very wrong. And mindbendingly dumb.
posted by slater at 9:08 AM on December 29, 2005

Christmas spirit, commie.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 9:10 AM on December 29, 2005

"Make believe elves should carry handguns so nobody blows up Jesus."

I can't think of a finer holiday message.
posted by bondcliff at 9:10 AM on December 29, 2005

I guess this is that war on Christmas everybody's been talking about.
posted by goatdog at 9:11 AM on December 29, 2005

Is it just me or does a 'committee' with an aol address probably suggest a 'committee' that needs to move out of its mom's basement?

But yes, [this is horrifically, wonderfully wrong]
posted by boaz at 9:11 AM on December 29, 2005

yeah, but how do we know that fat geek lurking under the mistletoe isn't a terrorist with a bomb under his santa suit?
posted by pyramid termite at 9:13 AM on December 29, 2005

Boaz beat me to it....
posted by Jikido at 9:13 AM on December 29, 2005

Ah, the peace (of mind) and joy of a new gun cradled in my arms.
posted by Navek Rednam at 9:13 AM on December 29, 2005

I trust Santa would pistol-whip that terrorist into unconsciousness and not actually blow his brains out in front of those kids.
posted by stinkycheese at 9:14 AM on December 29, 2005

Feel the love! It ain't no Red Ryder Santa's packing!
posted by nofundy at 9:15 AM on December 29, 2005

Well, Santa probably does know who's been bad or good.

Of course, the thing that's wrong with that picture is that the terrorist is probably *wearing* the dynamite. And not particularly concerned about getting too much closer before he sets it off.
posted by namespan at 9:15 AM on December 29, 2005

I'm going to make a t-shirt of that one.
posted by tkchrist at 9:15 AM on December 29, 2005

If they'd at least bothered to hire a talented artist... actually no, this is shit, and no amount of turd polish would help.
posted by clevershark at 9:16 AM on December 29, 2005

That's dumb. Ninjas don't use dynamite, they use NUNCHUCKS and SHURIKENS.
posted by robbie01 at 9:19 AM on December 29, 2005

It's an elf... with a GUN!
posted by martinrebas at 9:21 AM on December 29, 2005

Why are conservatives such cowards, anyway?

"OMG, COMMIES, i mean LIBRULS, i mean TERRORISTS ARE COMING TO KILL US ALL."

[e-mail], fucking grow a pair!
posted by eriko at 9:22 AM on December 29, 2005

Somebody doesn't know how to draw a realistic gun.
posted by maxsparber at 9:22 AM on December 29, 2005

Why does Santa leave baby Jesus behind?
posted by Navek Rednam at 9:27 AM on December 29, 2005

Needs a bit more Lee Majors.

/Scrooged
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:28 AM on December 29, 2005

Crap "Christmas card"... crap FPP.
posted by Witty at 9:29 AM on December 29, 2005

What would Jesus choose as his handgun of choice? I'm thinkin Glock .40.
posted by bardic at 9:36 AM on December 29, 2005

Now that's my kind of Santa.

"For Christmas I want a video game and a racing car and--"
"Aren't you the kid that picks his nose and beats up his little sister?"
"..."
*bang*
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:38 AM on December 29, 2005

Wow, those children he's protecting are ugly. Who would want to protect them? I say: let them explode.
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 9:38 AM on December 29, 2005

Didn't Cox and Forkum do this already?
posted by fleetmouse at 9:41 AM on December 29, 2005

Is it just me or does a 'committee' with an aol address probably suggest a 'committee' that needs to move out of its mom's basement?

You'd be surprised how many small organizations in DC use AOL addresses. Or maybe you wouldn't, I don't know.
posted by me & my monkey at 9:41 AM on December 29, 2005

Ironically, in the ensuing struggle, Santa's muzzle flash lights off the dynamite, which the dying terrorist drops in Baby Jesus's lap. BLAMMO! Don't worry, Baby Jesus comes back in 3 days, but, by that time, boy does he need a diaper change.
posted by boaz at 9:41 AM on December 29, 2005

Santa makes baby Jesus cry.
posted by furtive at 9:42 AM on December 29, 2005

1090 Vermont Ave Nw is a building full of one room office organizations.
posted by Pollomacho at 9:55 AM on December 29, 2005

Witty, this is a great FPP.

Is that really Jesus under the tree? Or a decoration?
posted by ibmcginty at 9:56 AM on December 29, 2005

This is hilarious.
posted by ob at 9:58 AM on December 29, 2005

And with a small dose of spin...

The dynamite "arab/muslim/brown" guy is simply trying to free the hostage children from the vile clutches of Santa Claus. The power of crying baby jesus compels him!

:-)
posted by C.Batt at 10:01 AM on December 29, 2005

So the exiles on the Island of Misfit Toys strike back -- am I wrong in rooting for them?
posted by kingfisher, his musclebound cat at 10:02 AM on December 29, 2005

Funny, I interpreted this as a reincarnated Wise Man attempting to liberate the hostage Baby Jesus and Baby Apostles and then destroy Santa's terrorist compound with explosives. Isn't it obvious?
posted by brain_drain at 10:02 AM on December 29, 2005

D'oh, C.Batt beat me to it!
posted by brain_drain at 10:03 AM on December 29, 2005

A gun? You'll shoot your eye out.
posted by StarForce5 at 10:04 AM on December 29, 2005

Is it just me or does a 'committee' with an aol address probably suggest a 'committee' that needs to move out of its mom's basement?

Make that a 'committee' with an AOL address and no website.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 10:04 AM on December 29, 2005

OMG
posted by scarabic at 10:05 AM on December 29, 2005

"He was dressed all in camo from his head to his foot,
And his Glock was all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bandolier of ammo he slung over his back,
As he drew down on the terrorist opening his pack."
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:09 AM on December 29, 2005

Yes, that's obviously a wise man bringing gifts (candles) to the baby Jesus while Satan Santa holds children hostage to his non-Christian version of the holiday.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 10:11 AM on December 29, 2005

The way he's holding that pistol, wouldn't the recoil take Santa's thumb right off? You'd think gun lobbyists would know something about guns.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 10:12 AM on December 29, 2005

GUN SAINT

I assume this is the same John Michael Snyder.

As it links to the Citizens Committee for the Right to Keep and Bear Arms website.
posted by Navek Rednam at 10:17 AM on December 29, 2005

This can't be real.

Is this really hanging in the office of some republican senator right now?
posted by Ynoxas at 10:19 AM on December 29, 2005

Santa sends white phosphorous down the chimneys of bad boys and girls.
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:25 AM on December 29, 2005

“Why are conservatives such cowards, anyway?” - posted by eriko

Why are liberals such hypocrites anyway?

Ah, the blanket statements. Such an irony given the straw-filled subject matter.

As a pro-gun conservative, what do you want (well one of us) to say?
I wish such simpletons weren’t on my side? Indeed, I do.
As the right is cursed with these simple minded, cigar smoking, OxyContin guzzling, golf obsessed, elitist, cyclopean demagogue neo-con stiffs, so is the left cursed with the seed eating Birkenstock wearing, tree hugging, soap dodging, art car driving, hippie-type, hyper-idealistic pseudo-intellectuals.
Equally irritating when there are excellent, cogent (and conservative based) pro-environment arguments and the hippie folks show up with the new age Gaian b.s. (not to be confused with the more serious Gaia Institute, et.al).

It’s a dumb picture put forth by dufuses (dufi? what’s the plural?). It’s not something emblematic of the conservative movement.

No offense meant eriko. I believe it was meant as a casual comment. I’m simply sounding off of your comment to say any sphere of thought, political or otherwise, has it’s hangers on, it’s black sheep, that are an embarrassment to the others.

Is this an example of that? Well, shyyeah. Duh. Santa with a gun. Terrorist dynamiting a Christmas tree. Frickin’ idiots.

There are just so many things wrong with that I don’t know where to start. The socio-religious implications alone...my God!
(Well, my commercially accepted God anyway).
posted by Smedleyman at 10:28 AM on December 29, 2005

Anybody that would leave a baby under a christmas tree should be shot.
posted by thomcatspike at 10:31 AM on December 29, 2005

People are easily lead, and this is another example of proof of this.
posted by wazzits at 10:36 AM on December 29, 2005

If Santa sneaks down the chimney of the guy who sends out this Christmas card, what are the chances that he'll get out without being shot as a terrorist/prowler?

"What about the children?"
posted by birdhaus at 10:38 AM on December 29, 2005

[e-mail], fucking grow a pair!

Heaven is a US government agency? That could explain a lot.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 10:38 AM on December 29, 2005

I'm with wazzits, "bear arms" - if your arm is a "bear", no handgun needed.
posted by thomcatspike at 10:41 AM on December 29, 2005

Clearly the Santa is stalling for time until Chuck Norris shows up. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
posted by haqspan at 11:02 AM on December 29, 2005

"Why did we not attack Sweden?" It is known that those who hate freedom don't have souls with integrity, and also they are in close proximity to the Laplandian SAS (Santa Attack Squad)
posted by Navek Rednam at 11:04 AM on December 29, 2005

well spoken, Smedleyman.
posted by namespan at 11:11 AM on December 29, 2005

That's awesome. Who knew that the solution to terrorism would come in the form of Santa brandishing a capital L? Also, the "child" farthest to the left looks like something out of a role-playing game.

Btw, what is an art car?
posted by 912 Greens at 11:24 AM on December 29, 2005

Actually, Santa is kidnapping those kids.

The masked man, probably a new superhero, is picking up the dynamite that Santa left to booby-trap the baby.

See, guns are bad! If Santa didn't have a gun, our hero could safely wrestle him to the ground and save the children from a life of toy-making slavery.
posted by JWright at 11:25 AM on December 29, 2005

Anybody that would leave a baby under a christmas tree should be shot.

Agreed. They do, however, make the perfect stocking-stuffers.
posted by gigawhat? at 11:26 AM on December 29, 2005

Btw, what is an art car?

art car
posted by lord_wolf at 11:34 AM on December 29, 2005

It turns out that topping this for sheer crassness didn't take all that long.
posted by alumshubby at 11:39 AM on December 29, 2005

Don't mess with SANTA!

(He knows who's been naughty and nice and who feels lucky)
posted by HTuttle at 11:42 AM on December 29, 2005

Don't worry, Baby Jesus comes back in 3 days, but, by that time, boy does he need a diaper change.

Morris: In your address to the Royal Society tomorrow, you intend to reveal the fossilised remains of the Infant Christ. How do you feel that will go down?

Sir Arthur: Well, it is a remarkable discovery. A group of us were up in The Promised Land - as I believe it's called - and we were just rooting around for some sticks to start a fire with, and, by some accident, this tiny little form had been preserved perfectly. So I picked it up, put it in my knapsack, brought it home and had it Scientifically examined at my institute..it's Christ at the age of about nine months - just beginning to walk. Well, more crawling than walking... crawling across the desert in search of, um, followers, really. And then, of course, he died.

M: So, what are the implications, then? Christ was fossilised when he was that small...

Sir A. He was practising resurrection. Because, if you're going to resurrect yourself in front of thousands of people, and found a religion on it, you don't want to make a cock-up, do you? So, from a very early age, he was dropping dead and resurrecting himself. There are probably thousands of bodies of Jesus, and this is just the youngest one ... He took about six months. He died - as planned - then, just as he was passing away, he suddenly forgot how to do it. Instincts carried him through, and gradually, he resurrected himself by which time he was under the sand, so he also had to fight his way to the surface. And, of course, he died whilst doing that.

M: Suffocation.

Sir A: Suffocation. yes. He was smothered by sand. So, he died again, and there's some controversy over whether my tiny Christ is in fact the nine-month-old or the nine-and-a-half month-old one.

Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling in conversation with Christopher Morris in 1994

posted by Grangousier at 11:45 AM on December 29, 2005

Clearly, the guy on the right is bringing fun explosives to the good little boys and girls, and the guy on the left is bringing fun handguns. Baby Jesus presides over all. What a heartwarming, conflict-free Christmas scene!
posted by hattifattener at 11:46 AM on December 29, 2005

Art Carney.
posted by sourwookie at 12:46 PM on December 29, 2005

their website uses the verb "blast" 9 times in the headlines of press releases.
posted by milkrate at 1:15 PM on December 29, 2005

Someone needs to option this for a feature film. Santa killing terrorists for Christmas could easily pull in 30 million its first weekend. You know, Tim Allen, Billy Bob, Dan Akroyd. The Santa Cause. Or maybe, The Santa Identity.
posted by effwerd at 1:34 PM on December 29, 2005

Get angry and get on the phone!
posted by stinkycheese at 1:44 PM on December 29, 2005

Santa killing terrorists
posted by CynicalKnight at 1:52 PM on December 29, 2005

Does this remind anyone else of the Mr. Show sketch where Bob and David freed Santa from a burglar who was holding him prisoner?

"You're gonna keep bein' Santa, see..."
posted by AaronRaphael at 2:07 PM on December 29, 2005

wouldn't the recoil take Santa's thumb right off?

That was the first thing I noticed too. He's asking for a broken thumb at a minimum holding it behind the slide like that. For a rabid NRA supporter, Santa sure doesn't know how to properly hold a handgun.
posted by moonbiter at 2:57 PM on December 29, 2005

Santa is in the process of cocking his Colt 1911 .45 ACP pistol, that is why his thumb is behind the slide. He is pulling back the hammer.
posted by Megafly at 4:38 PM on December 29, 2005

This would make an awesome lawn tableau for Xmas 2006. Maybe I'll tart it up with the lipstick camels from "My Humps." The neighbor kids are gonna love it!
posted by maryh at 6:10 PM on December 29, 2005

so is the left cursed with the seed eating Birkenstock wearing, tree hugging, soap dodging, art car driving, hippie-type, hyper-idealistic pseudo-intellectuals.

Hmmm...I dunno, tree hugging fans of Birkenstocks who wish the world were a more peaceful place and enjoy modifying their vehicles don't seem like much of a problem for society, Smedleyman. I'd rather have a nation full of hippies than a bunch of gun enthusiasts, particularly given that the homicide rate for children in the U.S. was five time higher than for children in the other 25 [industrialized] countries combined. Good thing Uncle Sam Santa is protecting those children!
posted by Hildegarde at 6:19 PM on December 29, 2005

Their office is directly across the street from mine. True!
posted by sdrawkcab at 10:16 PM on December 29, 2005

Wow, who knew the concealed carry paperwork for the north pole was so simple to get.
posted by Rhomboid at 5:37 AM on December 30, 2005

Santa is in the process of cocking his Colt 1911 .45 ACP pistol, that is why his thumb is behind the slide. He is pulling back the hammer.

Why didn't Santa leave it in condition 1?
posted by me & my monkey at 8:07 AM on December 30, 2005

It’s just hyperbole Hildegarde.
Hypocrites are universal. (oh, but not on MY side!)

I’d be happy to trade stats back and forth. But that gets wearing. As a matter of peace vs. freedom I’d rather have freedom.
I’m assuming you’re a rational person and your priorities are along those lines (peace, not allowing children to be killed). I see the reasoning for your argument, but I disagree as to what is best for the end result.

I’m not callous for accepting those deaths. I focus more on what I see to be the greater good. Lots of people are killed by cars. We haven’t banned them. Same thing. Preventable in both cases. Abuses in both cases (ever own a Pinto?). Etc. Etc.

That said, we seem to be sliding towards fascism anyway. Presumably the next crew in office will be left wingers who will take our right to bear arms away. Much like the right wingers are eroding our other civil liberties now.

I wonder what form the apologists arguments will take then?

Sorry, I’ve had this pro/anti gun argument so often. Bit tired of the appeal to emotion approach.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:04 PM on December 30, 2005