A Declaration of War
June 18, 2006 11:39 PM   Subscribe

A Declaration of War Consider this a formal declaration...
posted by risk (152 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: self-link, banned. please read the faq for more details about the commmunity guidelines.



 
This is a mildly amusing self-link that should be in Metatalk or Projects. Flagged.
posted by Pseudoephedrine at 11:51 PM on June 18, 2006


how do you know its a self link?
posted by sourbrew at 11:51 PM on June 18, 2006


although he is a suspiciously recent member
posted by sourbrew at 11:52 PM on June 18, 2006


The top contributor on the blog is "risk". Man, trolls are so fucking stupid.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 11:53 PM on June 18, 2006


His username here is identical to the username of the person who posted the blog entry.
posted by Pseudoephedrine at 11:54 PM on June 18, 2006


The reply to the first (and only) comment after the 'article' is signed off by none other than 'risk'. Another $5 down the drain my friend.
posted by MrMustard at 11:55 PM on June 18, 2006


Uh... Self-link?
posted by mr_roboto at 11:55 PM on June 18, 2006


The linked article reads like a hastily scrawled high school assignment. Childish.
posted by Cranberry at 11:58 PM on June 18, 2006


He's 16 years old, and this is the best thing that's ever happened to him.

He'll forget about Metafilter once he gets laid.
posted by mr_roboto at 11:59 PM on June 18, 2006


Yeah but OMG!!! if THIS post gets deleted THEN what'll they (he) do!?!?!? Metawar? Looks like someone else has been drinking on a Sunday night...
posted by zoinks at 11:59 PM on June 18, 2006


Yet another sign of the pretentious and censorship-nature that is Metafilter.

Of course I am Risk, one of many PWTU contributors. And I wouldn't have even submitted this link were it not for a dear friend who told me I ought to give you guys a chance since I was, obviously, declaring war on you.

Re-read the body of this link: "Consider this a formal declaration".

I had no illusions that it wouldn't be pulled right away, since that's your nature: communists love to suppress dissent.

Once again: Better dead than red!

risk
posted by risk at 12:03 AM on June 19, 2006


Please do not feed the trolls.
posted by Merik at 12:05 AM on June 19, 2006


Seriously, man, meet a girl, get to know her...

You'll be finding that you won't need to act out in this manner anymore.

risk
posted by mr_roboto at 12:06 AM on June 19, 2006


From the self-linked article;

"Frankly we're ashamed it took us this long to realize the truth, but better late than never (or so many a menstrating woman has told us before).

Learn how to spell menstruating, fucktard.

"In the interest of full-disclosure we will be honest here: recently one PWTU staffer attempted to submit a link on this red-rag of a web-page, a link to our humble little blog. And the post went up, as it should, for about ten minutes before it was torn down-- utterly removed with nary an explanation by some gestapo-like figure. Although this staffer had paid his $5 and had been a member since months before, his link went up and came down just like that."

A self fulfilling prophecy if ever I saw one.

Seconds to deletion.... 10, 9, 8, 7....
posted by Effigy2000 at 12:07 AM on June 19, 2006


From the self-linked article;

"Frankly we're ashamed it took us this long to realize the truth, but better late than never (or so many a menstrating woman has told us before).

Learn how to spell menstruating, fucktard.

"In the interest of full-disclosure we will be honest here: recently one PWTU staffer attempted to submit a link on this red-rag of a web-page, a link to our humble little blog. And the post went up, as it should, for about ten minutes before it was torn down-- utterly removed with nary an explanation by some gestapo-like figure. Although this staffer had paid his $5 and had been a member since months before, his link went up and came down just like that."

A self fulfilling prophecy if ever I saw one.

Seconds to deletion.... 10, 9, 8, 7....
posted by Effigy2000 at 12:07 AM on June 19, 2006


From the self-linked article;

"Frankly we're ashamed it took us this long to realize the truth, but better late than never (or so many a menstrating woman has told us before).

Learn how to spell menstruating, fucktard.

"In the interest of full-disclosure we will be honest here: recently one PWTU staffer attempted to submit a link on this red-rag of a web-page, a link to our humble little blog. And the post went up, as it should, for about ten minutes before it was torn down-- utterly removed with nary an explanation by some gestapo-like figure. Although this staffer had paid his $5 and had been a member since months before, his link went up and came down just like that."

A self fulfilling prophecy if ever I saw one.

Seconds to deletion.... 10, 9, 8, 7....
posted by Effigy2000 at 12:07 AM on June 19, 2006


i just yawned so hard, i nearly broke my jaw.
posted by ori at 12:07 AM on June 19, 2006


"I had no illusions that it wouldn't be pulled right away,"

So this post is basically a tantrum?
posted by pompomtom at 12:07 AM on June 19, 2006


And after everyone was so helpful to you in AskMefi. Do not bite the hand that feeds, yo.
posted by tracicle at 12:09 AM on June 19, 2006



Oh, I get it, your ignorance is ironic.

How amusing.
posted by Riovanes at 12:10 AM on June 19, 2006


Don't even feed the baby trolls.
posted by homodigitalis at 12:11 AM on June 19, 2006


here's a picture of a fish:


posted by ori at 12:13 AM on June 19, 2006 [1 favorite]


Man, why'd you have to go and drag a perfectly innocent fish into this?
posted by Davenhill at 12:15 AM on June 19, 2006 [1 favorite]


A suffocating fish. Huh.
posted by zoinks at 12:15 AM on June 19, 2006


Haha, you didn't get my clickthrough, you self-linking no-rule-readin' wanker. Hahaha! The real question is, did you make enough extra in Google Ads today to offset the five dollars you just wasted?
posted by fenriq at 12:15 AM on June 19, 2006


risk,

wtf man, i mean wtf. No self linking means no self linking means no self linking, what point have you made? that metafilter enforces its policies?
posted by sourbrew at 12:17 AM on June 19, 2006


fenriq,

not from me i run adblock like the self serving fucko i am.
posted by sourbrew at 12:17 AM on June 19, 2006


A pox upon rule enforcification!
posted by fenriq at 12:18 AM on June 19, 2006


Rules are for commies!



And captialist running dogs, too!
posted by mr_roboto at 12:19 AM on June 19, 2006


In Communist Metafilter, Metafilter declares war on you!!!
posted by carsonb at 12:19 AM on June 19, 2006 [4 favorites]


Hey, thread, more animated GIFs, please, before you get deleted!
posted by mr_roboto at 12:19 AM on June 19, 2006


He forgot to put a graphic in the FPP though.
posted by zoinks at 12:21 AM on June 19, 2006


I'm not a communist, I'm a socialist.
posted by bigmusic at 12:21 AM on June 19, 2006


But I don't want to be exposed to peopleworsethanus!
posted by the_bone at 12:22 AM on June 19, 2006


So, if he declares war then does that mean he gets to choose the method of battle or do we?

If we get to choose then I hope #1 selects spitwad guns because I rather like the thought of risk getting pegged by 20,000 spitballs at once.
posted by fenriq at 12:22 AM on June 19, 2006


Hah!


posted by RockBandit at 12:22 AM on June 19, 2006


A Declaration of War

Somebody wake me when the bombs start falling.
posted by chuq at 12:24 AM on June 19, 2006


Oh holy shit that is funny. I especially love the part where you bitch about MeFi being communist, then complain about the money going to "a small group of people". Yeah, one person. Matt. Yay capitalism!

Seriously good show, man. Hilarious. Excellent piece of postmodern metahumor. Spot on.

You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.
posted by loquacious at 12:24 AM on June 19, 2006 [1 favorite]


Or an animated GIF. I likez computorz.
On preview: oh god.
posted by zoinks at 12:24 AM on June 19, 2006


Aw risk, you bitch, I wasted my 5000th comment on you and this crappy thread.

You've made a powerful enemy this day, boy.
posted by fenriq at 12:25 AM on June 19, 2006


I love the fact that every single comment here only reinforces my assertion that Metafilter has become an organization dedicated to self-promoting, non-inclusive pretentiousness. Like I said, better dead than red, my friends! Civil disobedience is its own reward.

risk
posted by risk at 12:25 AM on June 19, 2006


RockBandit! Thank you!

Maybe he's 15?

risk
posted by mr_roboto at 12:26 AM on June 19, 2006


I'm so totally getting naked for this thread. Then I'm gonna rub my well read copy of The Little Red Book all over my crotchular areas. It's gonna be awesome!
posted by loquacious at 12:27 AM on June 19, 2006


Dude, MeFi's blue, are you colorblind AND stupid?

We also really like rules and when people don't shit all over them for some presupposed conclusion. But hey, you knock yourself out.

No really, please go knock yourself out.
posted by fenriq at 12:27 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by loquacious at 12:28 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by sourbrew at 12:29 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by loquacious at 12:29 AM on June 19, 2006


Beware papercuts, loquacious. OOOooooooo0oOooww.
posted by zoinks at 12:30 AM on June 19, 2006


I'd post a comment, but I don't want to lose my place in the bread line.
posted by pierrepressure at 12:30 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by loquacious at 12:30 AM on June 19, 2006


Seriously, why aren't we all signing our posts?

risk
posted by mr_roboto at 12:30 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by loquacious at 12:31 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by loquacious at 12:33 AM on June 19, 2006 [3 favorites]


Okay, loq, the wacking kitty is pretty damned funny!
posted by fenriq at 12:34 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by loquacious at 12:34 AM on June 19, 2006


I'm gonna second tracicle's comment. risk, just yesterday you got a crapton of great advice on a touchy matter from people here at MeFi. And now you decide to take a giant shit on the community because a self-link was deleted, even though that's pretty much the only real rule we have here???

You are a big bag of douche.
posted by the_bone at 12:36 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by loquacious at 12:36 AM on June 19, 2006


Oh god!

This brings back such memories. Just reading this kids posts totally reminds me of myself at his age, of course looking back my Risk like behavior is one of my potent embarrassments.

I too was a little twerp trying to fake being erudite, clever and whatnot. And sometimes I would do things that at the time I thought were rebellious acts of free thought, iconoclasm and civil disobedience, but know looking back I just cringe with shame at what a derp I was.

Oh Risk, sweety pie. Someday you'll look back on this day, and many others, and recognize your own rich tableau of douchebaggery. Then, and only then, will you finally have a chance be as sophisticated and mature as you fancy yourself in the here and now.

Good luck, with all that.

risk
posted by Jezztek at 12:36 AM on June 19, 2006


I'm of the opinion that this thread contains all the relevant responses and posts needed to address risk's concerns.

Anyone up for some dancing bananas?
posted by RockBandit at 12:36 AM on June 19, 2006




On a serious note, it's kind of flattering that he paid the $5 just so he could post his crap, thereby supporting our "communist agenda."

The irony of that is mind boggling.
posted by RockBandit at 12:39 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by loquacious at 12:39 AM on June 19, 2006


Loq, I am so stealing all of your images.
posted by IronLizard at 12:41 AM on June 19, 2006


This is the pic I keep hidden in my little red book. Fuck the papercuts. (declarative statement, or request?)


posted by loquacious at 12:42 AM on June 19, 2006 [2 favorites]



posted by sourbrew at 12:42 AM on June 19, 2006


Awwwww! I love the It Is A Mystery ghost!
posted by mr_roboto at 12:42 AM on June 19, 2006


Loq, I am so stealing all of your images.

I'm cool with that, but you're going to need to mail me a HD or cd spindle.
posted by loquacious at 12:43 AM on June 19, 2006


I'm gonna go make a truly decadent Old Fashioned and pretend none of this ever happened.
posted by SteelyDuran at 12:43 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by loquacious at 12:45 AM on June 19, 2006 [1 favorite]


Last post!
posted by slater at 12:46 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by loquacious at 12:46 AM on June 19, 2006


And... I'm done. I need a shower and some Iodine underpants.
posted by loquacious at 12:47 AM on June 19, 2006


he should have put the lame little blinky image in his post, then mathowie would have said it could stay up.

risk
posted by shmegegge at 12:48 AM on June 19, 2006


The commie-hate runs deep... (link is to a blog post by risk in which s/he makes fun of a three armed chinese baby. No really.)
posted by pierrepressure at 12:49 AM on June 19, 2006


Hmmmm. Would it not be fair to post some message when a post is deleted? This is pretty much standard elsewhere.
posted by A189Nut at 12:52 AM on June 19, 2006


the bone said: "I'm gonna second tracicle's comment. risk, just yesterday you got a crapton of great advice on a touchy matter from people here at MeFi. And now you decide to take a giant shit on the community because a self-link was deleted, even though that's pretty much the only real rule we have here???"

First off, mentioning a question I asked on Ask Metifilter is low. Really low. That's dirty politics, my friend. I could have (and have) asked very personal questions on there before. The truth is I've had several Mi-fi accounts throghout the years. I guess I didn't realize that I asked that question on this account... so good for you for finding, and publicly exposing, this fact.

Well done. I'm sure many, many, users of this site realized the same, but you had the "courage" to call me out on it. You're amazingly brave.

Second, what should I owe a site that has become ridden with pretentious jerks bent on suprressing any viewpoint they don't like? Any post they possibily object to? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I write what I write and I post what I post, just like all the contributors to PWTU do. We speak our mind and fear no repurcussions. Can you say the same?

Based on the responses I've received to this one, little, insignificant post, I'm guessing the answer is "no". So which of us is truly free?

My problem with Metafilter is that people like you try (and succeed) to stifle free speech. Calling you "communist" is drastic, sure, but it's a whole lot closer to the truth than what your many members declare, daily, as "democracy".

You are no more democratic than Cuba, Russia, or North Korea. You have simply fallen in line with the "rules" of the State. And anyone who disagrees with those rules? Why, they simply become the enemy.

Damn, I wish I was like that, sometimes. I wish I was like the people who run Metafilter. I wish I was like its supporters, people like you...

people worse than us.

no spell-check on this post, btw, since I know I'm out of time before this gets censored.
posted by risk at 12:52 AM on June 19, 2006


There is a message on deleted posts. Even more fair, any deleted thread actually stays up and online - it's just removed from the front page.
posted by loquacious at 12:53 AM on June 19, 2006


> Would it not be fair to post some message when a post is deleted?

Oh, it's coming. Stand by just a short bit.
posted by SteelyDuran at 12:53 AM on June 19, 2006


> a site that has become ridden with pretentious jerks

Hey, now. I resemble that remark!
posted by SteelyDuran at 12:56 AM on June 19, 2006


I'm pretty sure that this war was foreseen by John Titor.
posted by First Post at 12:57 AM on June 19, 2006 [1 favorite]


STOP ANSWERING THAT FUCK AND POST SOME GIFS YOU BASTARDS!!!

I WANT TO SEE MISAPPROPRIATED ANIME SLYLY REFERENCING TABOO SEX ACTS GODDAMMIT!!!
posted by mr_roboto at 12:57 AM on June 19, 2006


my favorite fault in people is when they can't find fault in themselves.
posted by carsonb at 12:58 AM on June 19, 2006


I know I'm out of time before this gets censored

You're mistaking censorship with quality control. If MeFi really were "communist" (in the Mao/Stalin sense, not the stuff that Marx wrote about), you wouldn't even have been able to make THIS post, let alone answer your critics.
posted by slater at 12:59 AM on June 19, 2006


Troll. Ignore and flag.
posted by brownpau at 1:00 AM on June 19, 2006


Here's his whole post in case you don't want to visit his silly site:

----------

The Great Patriotic War Against Metafilter

PWTU's Second War
Part Four of PWTU's Ongoing Series: The Commies Are Coming

Regular visitors to this site will notice something different this morning: on your left, under our Fair and Balanced Link Roll, the entry for the webpage Metafilter is no longer there. Why would we remove the 25th most popular outgoing link from our blog? Simple: after deep reflection upon the evidence at hand we came to realize that Metafilter, a "community weblog", is actually communist in nature. Frankly we're ashamed it took us this long to realize the truth, but better late than never (or so many a menstruating woman has told us before).

Ahem. Anyway, because the Red Menace must be utterly wiped off the face of the globe (you're next, Belarus) the PWTU staff has voted unanimously to declare war on this scourge of the Internet. And as with our previous war (which ended with the humiliating capitulation of the enemy after only three days) we feel it necessary to explain to the world our reasons for this drastic action. After all, it's easy to make allegations about someone's communist leanings (so very, very easy); it's another thing entirely to prove them.

But we can prove them. Take for example the fact that Metafilter puports to be "community based", which suggests they consider everyone equal. That suggests that they feel everyone has a say, implying that they're democratic. Problem is that after you try to actually register for the site (so that you can post comments or suggest links) you discover they actually believe some people are "more equal than others": those of us willing to pay $5 get to actually complete their registration while those lacking the funds are basically told to take a hike.

And this sort of capitalism would be fine! We wouldn't mind them trying to make an honest buck or two off their site. The problem is that the monies they demand go to an exclusively small group whilst they pretend it contributes to the benefits of all.

In short, their system is designed to deny the real community, the community of all Internet-goers, from having a voice in what occurs on their site. Theirs is a one-party system , to be sure, and good luck joining that party (even if you smack down five hard-earned dollars).

The other symptom of Metafilter's communist disease is their use of secret police and totalitarian-like strong-arming. In the interest of full-disclosure we will be honest here: recently one PWTU staffer attempted to submit a link on this red-rag of a web-page, a link to our humble little blog. And the post went up, as it should, for about ten minutes before it was torn down-- utterly removed with nary an explanation by some Gestapo-like figure. Although this staffer had paid his $5 and had been a member since months before, his link went up and came down just like that.

There was no recourse: no appeal, no nothing. Not even a name of a person to contact to protest the link's removal. In other words, this particular PWTU staffer was not as equal as the shadowy figure who arbitrarily decided to deny his contribution.

Metafilter pretends to embrace a democratic form of link-sharing but doesn't even come close. We at PWTU understand the need to prevent spammers and their ilk from ruining a good site, but that goal can be accomplished without heavy-handed techniques when you allow a free and fair market to determine which links stay and which links go. On a "community based" weblog the people visiting it should be able to judge each submission on its own merits. And if and when an administrator should decide a particular post needs removal, some sort of recourse must be given to the submitter.

Otherwise it's just totalitarian, pretentious, and patently communist. And that's exactly what Metafilter has proven itself to be. We at PWTU urge everyone out there to spread the word: if you love freedom and abhor communist dictatorships, visit sites like I Am Bored, In4Mador, and del.icio.us instead of Meta-whatevah until, at least, we triumph in our war; as triumph we must...

...as triumph we shall. And as always, better dead than red!

----------

Whee!

risk: fighting the hard fights.
posted by chasing at 1:00 AM on June 19, 2006


Risk. I'll explain your problem as simply as I can:

You're a fucking idiot. A real moron. Not quite the sharpest knife in the drawer. In fact, you're a fucking soup spoon.

To further explain:

MeFi isn't a democracy. It is a dictatorship - and one that is usually benevolent. There's only one person who runs MeFi, and one assistant moderator. It's not a democracy, people don't vote on posts, no one here has anything to do with running the site other than mathowie and jessamyn.

Also, you fall into the completely boneheaded, ignorant, and worthless logical trap of assuming that democracy is always the opposite of communism, and vice-versa.

Even worse, you don't even have a fucking working hint of a clue of what communism is actually defined as - which makes me deeply suspicious of your grasp of what a democracy even is in the first place.

Your viewpoint has all the complexity of and nuance of a unfired brick.
posted by loquacious at 1:00 AM on June 19, 2006 [2 favorites]


Stalin is sooo sexy. I often picture him doing Marx doggie style before going to sleep for the night. It helps me to dream of my two heroes as one united form of love.
posted by Sir BoBoMonkey Pooflinger Esquire III at 1:01 AM on June 19, 2006


loq - That reminds me of a great saying I heard awhile ago...

"Communism is a system in which man exploits man. Capitalism is vice versa."
posted by RockBandit at 1:02 AM on June 19, 2006


Ah, nice! I love how copying my words, on the link I gave, is okay... but the link itself is awful.

Controlled speech, once again. How do you all sleep at night?
posted by risk at 1:03 AM on June 19, 2006


ANIMATED GIFS GODDAMMIT!!!
posted by mr_roboto at 1:04 AM on June 19, 2006


With your mom.
posted by loquacious at 1:04 AM on June 19, 2006 [2 favorites]



posted by fandango_matt at 1:04 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by MetaMonkey at 1:04 AM on June 19, 2006


Ah, nice! I love how copying my words, on the link I gave, is okay... but the link itself is awful.

Again, you're a chickenhead. The text was posted so that the curious could see it without having to actually load the site and contribute advertising revenue. Y'know, on purpose. 'Cause we're babystabbing communists.
posted by loquacious at 1:06 AM on June 19, 2006


I just posted this on accident in risk's National Guard thread. Hah, shit!

Anyway, I meant to post it here. Apparently risk has a Myspace profile! And she is rather hot too.

I guess I take back everything I said earlier! ;)
posted by RockBandit at 1:06 AM on June 19, 2006


Dear risk,



love
Metafilter.
posted by furiousthought at 1:08 AM on June 19, 2006


I'm pretty sure that the skullcap on that guy doing the 10 point backside faceplant in MetaMonkey's gif is not a DOT approved safety helmet.
posted by loquacious at 1:08 AM on June 19, 2006


that's ring, not risk, who is apparently the blog owner
posted by sourbrew at 1:08 AM on June 19, 2006


Ah, my apologies then. Everything I said earlier stands. ;)
posted by RockBandit at 1:09 AM on June 19, 2006


THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


DRAMATIS PERSONAE


DUKE OF MILANFather to Silvia. (DUKE:)


VALENTINE|
| the two Gentlemen.
PROTEUS|


ANTONIOFather to Proteus.

THURIOa foolish rival to Valentine.

EGLAMOURAgent for Silvia in her escape.

HOSTwhere Julia lodges. (Host:)

OUTLAWSwith Valentine.
(First Outlaw:)
(Second Outlaw:)
(Third Outlaw:)

SPEEDa clownish servant to Valentine.

LAUNCEthe like to Proteus.

PANTHINOServant to Antonio.

JULIAbeloved of Proteus.

SILVIAbeloved of Valentine.

LUCETTAwaiting-woman to Julia.

Servants, Musicians.


SCENEVerona; Milan; the frontiers of Mantua.




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT I



SCENE IVerona. An open place.


[Enter VALENTINE and PROTEUS]

VALENTINECease to persuade, my loving Proteus:
Home-keeping youth have ever homely wits.
Were't not affection chains thy tender days
To the sweet glances of thy honour'd love,
I rather would entreat thy company
To see the wonders of the world abroad,
Than, living dully sluggardized at home,
Wear out thy youth with shapeless idleness.
But since thou lovest, love still and thrive therein,
Even as I would when I to love begin.

PROTEUSWilt thou be gone? Sweet Valentine, adieu!
Think on thy Proteus, when thou haply seest
Some rare note-worthy object in thy travel:
Wish me partaker in thy happiness
When thou dost meet good hap; and in thy danger,
If ever danger do environ thee,
Commend thy grievance to my holy prayers,
For I will be thy beadsman, Valentine.

VALENTINEAnd on a love-book pray for my success?

PROTEUSUpon some book I love I'll pray for thee.

VALENTINEThat's on some shallow story of deep love:
How young Leander cross'd the Hellespont.

PROTEUSThat's a deep story of a deeper love:
For he was more than over shoes in love.

VALENTINE'Tis true; for you are over boots in love,
And yet you never swum the Hellespont.

PROTEUSOver the boots? nay, give me not the boots.

VALENTINENo, I will not, for it boots thee not.

PROTEUSWhat?

VALENTINETo be in love, where scorn is bought with groans;
Coy looks with heart-sore sighs; one fading moment's mirth
With twenty watchful, weary, tedious nights:
If haply won, perhaps a hapless gain;
If lost, why then a grievous labour won;
However, but a folly bought with wit,
Or else a wit by folly vanquished.

PROTEUSSo, by your circumstance, you call me fool.

VALENTINESo, by your circumstance, I fear you'll prove.

PROTEUS'Tis love you cavil at: I am not Love.

VALENTINELove is your master, for he masters you:
And he that is so yoked by a fool,
Methinks, should not be chronicled for wise.

PROTEUSYet writers say, as in the sweetest bud
The eating canker dwells, so eating love
Inhabits in the finest wits of all.

VALENTINEAnd writers say, as the most forward bud
Is eaten by the canker ere it blow,
Even so by love the young and tender wit
Is turn'd to folly, blasting in the bud,
Losing his verdure even in the prime
And all the fair effects of future hopes.
But wherefore waste I time to counsel thee,
That art a votary to fond desire?
Once more adieu! my father at the road
Expects my coming, there to see me shipp'd.

PROTEUSAnd thither will I bring thee, Valentine.

VALENTINESweet Proteus, no; now let us take our leave.
To Milan let me hear from thee by letters
Of thy success in love, and what news else
Betideth here in absence of thy friend;
And likewise will visit thee with mine.

PROTEUSAll happiness bechance to thee in Milan!

VALENTINEAs much to you at home! and so, farewell.

[Exit]

PROTEUSHe after honour hunts, I after love:
He leaves his friends to dignify them more,
I leave myself, my friends and all, for love.
Thou, Julia, thou hast metamorphosed me,
Made me neglect my studies, lose my time,
War with good counsel, set the world at nought;
Made wit with musing weak, heart sick with thought.

[Enter SPEED]

SPEEDSir Proteus, save you! Saw you my master?

PROTEUSBut now he parted hence, to embark for Milan.

SPEEDTwenty to one then he is shipp'd already,
And I have play'd the sheep in losing him.

PROTEUSIndeed, a sheep doth very often stray,
An if the shepherd be a while away.

SPEEDYou conclude that my master is a shepherd, then,
and I a sheep?

PROTEUSI do.

SPEEDWhy then, my horns are his horns, whether I wake or sleep.

PROTEUSA silly answer and fitting well a sheep.

SPEEDThis proves me still a sheep.

PROTEUSTrue; and thy master a shepherd.

SPEEDNay, that I can deny by a circumstance.

PROTEUSIt shall go hard but I'll prove it by another.

SPEEDThe shepherd seeks the sheep, and not the sheep the
shepherd; but I seek my master, and my master seeks
not me: therefore I am no sheep.

PROTEUSThe sheep for fodder follow the shepherd; the
shepherd for food follows not the sheep: thou for
wages followest thy master; thy master for wages
follows not thee: therefore thou art a sheep.

SPEEDSuch another proof will make me cry 'baa.'

PROTEUSBut, dost thou hear? gavest thou my letter to Julia?

SPEEDAy sir: I, a lost mutton, gave your letter to her,
a laced mutton, and she, a laced mutton, gave me, a
lost mutton, nothing for my labour.

PROTEUSHere's too small a pasture for such store of muttons.

SPEEDIf the ground be overcharged, you were best stick her.

PROTEUSNay: in that you are astray, 'twere best pound you.

SPEEDNay, sir, less than a pound shall serve me for
carrying your letter.

PROTEUSYou mistake; I mean the pound,--a pinfold.

SPEEDFrom a pound to a pin? fold it over and over,
'Tis threefold too little for carrying a letter to
your lover.

PROTEUSBut what said she?

SPEED[First nodding] Ay.

PROTEUSNod--Ay--why, that's noddy.

SPEEDYou mistook, sir; I say, she did nod: and you ask
me if she did nod; and I say, 'Ay.'

PROTEUSAnd that set together is noddy.

SPEEDNow you have taken the pains to set it together,
take it for your pains.

PROTEUSNo, no; you shall have it for bearing the letter.

SPEEDWell, I perceive I must be fain to bear with you.

PROTEUSWhy sir, how do you bear with me?

SPEEDMarry, sir, the letter, very orderly; having nothing
but the word 'noddy' for my pains.

PROTEUSBeshrew me, but you have a quick wit.

SPEEDAnd yet it cannot overtake your slow purse.

PROTEUSCome come, open the matter in brief: what said she?

SPEEDOpen your purse, that the money and the matter may
be both at once delivered.

PROTEUSWell, sir, here is for your pains. What said she?

SPEEDTruly, sir, I think you'll hardly win her.

PROTEUSWhy, couldst thou perceive so much from her?

SPEEDSir, I could perceive nothing at all from her; no,
not so much as a ducat for delivering your letter:
and being so hard to me that brought your mind, I
fear she'll prove as hard to you in telling your
mind. Give her no token but stones; for she's as
hard as steel.

PROTEUSWhat said she? nothing?

SPEEDNo, not so much as 'Take this for thy pains.' To
testify your bounty, I thank you, you have testerned
me; in requital whereof, henceforth carry your
letters yourself: and so, sir, I'll commend you to my master.

PROTEUSGo, go, be gone, to save your ship from wreck,
Which cannot perish having thee aboard,
Being destined to a drier death on shore.

[Exit SPEED]

I must go send some better messenger:
I fear my Julia would not deign my lines,
Receiving them from such a worthless post.

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT I



SCENE IIThe same. Garden of JULIA's house.


[Enter JULlA and LUCETTA]

JULIABut say, Lucetta, now we are alone,
Wouldst thou then counsel me to fall in love?

LUCETTAAy, madam, so you stumble not unheedfully.

JULIAOf all the fair resort of gentlemen
That every day with parle encounter me,
In thy opinion which is worthiest love?

LUCETTAPlease you repeat their names, I'll show my mind
According to my shallow simple skill.

JULIAWhat think'st thou of the fair Sir Eglamour?

LUCETTAAs of a knight well-spoken, neat and fine;
But, were I you, he never should be mine.

JULIAWhat think'st thou of the rich Mercatio?

LUCETTAWell of his wealth; but of himself, so so.

JULIAWhat think'st thou of the gentle Proteus?

LUCETTALord, Lord! to see what folly reigns in us!

JULIAHow now! what means this passion at his name?

LUCETTAPardon, dear madam: 'tis a passing shame
That I, unworthy body as I am,
Should censure thus on lovely gentlemen.

JULIAWhy not on Proteus, as of all the rest?

LUCETTAThen thus: of many good I think him best.

JULIAYour reason?

LUCETTAI have no other, but a woman's reason;
I think him so because I think him so.

JULIAAnd wouldst thou have me cast my love on him?

LUCETTAAy, if you thought your love not cast away.

JULIAWhy he, of all the rest, hath never moved me.

LUCETTAYet he, of all the rest, I think, best loves ye.

JULIAHis little speaking shows his love but small.

LUCETTAFire that's closest kept burns most of all.

JULIAThey do not love that do not show their love.

LUCETTAO, they love least that let men know their love.

JULIAI would I knew his mind.

LUCETTAPeruse this paper, madam.

JULIA'To Julia.' Say, from whom?

LUCETTAThat the contents will show.

JULIASay, say, who gave it thee?

LUCETTAValentine's page; and sent, I think, from Proteus.
He would have given it you; but I, being in the way,
Did in your name receive it: pardon the
fault I pray.

JULIANow, by my modesty, a goodly broker!
Dare you presume to harbour wanton lines?
To whisper and conspire against my youth?
Now, trust me, 'tis an office of great worth
And you an officer fit for the place.
Or else return no more into my sight.

LUCETTATo plead for love deserves more fee than hate.

JULIAWill ye be gone?

LUCETTA That you may ruminate.

[Exit]

JULIAAnd yet I would I had o'erlooked the letter:
It were a shame to call her back again
And pray her to a fault for which I chid her.
What a fool is she, that knows I am a maid,
And would not force the letter to my view!
Since maids, in modesty, say 'no' to that
Which they would have the profferer construe 'ay.'
Fie, fie, how wayward is this foolish love
That, like a testy babe, will scratch the nurse
And presently all humbled kiss the rod!
How churlishly I chid Lucetta hence,
When willingly I would have had her here!
How angerly I taught my brow to frown,
When inward joy enforced my heart to smile!
My penance is to call Lucetta back
And ask remission for my folly past.
What ho! Lucetta!

[Re-enter LUCETTA]

LUCETTA What would your ladyship?

JULIAIs't near dinner-time?

LUCETTAI would it were,
That you might kill your stomach on your meat
And not upon your maid.

JULIAWhat is't that you took up so gingerly?

LUCETTANothing.

JULIAWhy didst thou stoop, then?

LUCETTATo take a paper up that I let fall.

JULIAAnd is that paper nothing?

LUCETTANothing concerning me.

JULIAThen let it lie for those that it concerns.

LUCETTAMadam, it will not lie where it concerns
Unless it have a false interpeter.

JULIASome love of yours hath writ to you in rhyme.

LUCETTAThat I might sing it, madam, to a tune.
Give me a note: your ladyship can set.

JULIAAs little by such toys as may be possible.
Best sing it to the tune of 'Light o' love.'

LUCETTAIt is too heavy for so light a tune.

JULIAHeavy! belike it hath some burden then?

LUCETTAAy, and melodious were it, would you sing it.

JULIAAnd why not you?

LUCETTA I cannot reach so high.

JULIALet's see your song. How now, minion!

LUCETTAKeep tune there still, so you will sing it out:
And yet methinks I do not like this tune.

JULIAYou do not?

LUCETTA No, madam; it is too sharp.

JULIAYou, minion, are too saucy.

LUCETTANay, now you are too flat
And mar the concord with too harsh a descant:
There wanteth but a mean to fill your song.

JULIAThe mean is drown'd with your unruly bass.

LUCETTAIndeed, I bid the base for Proteus.

JULIAThis babble shall not henceforth trouble me.
Here is a coil with protestation!

[Tears the letter]

Go get you gone, and let the papers lie:
You would be fingering them, to anger me.

LUCETTAShe makes it strange; but she would be best pleased
To be so anger'd with another letter.

[Exit]

JULIA Nay, would I were so anger'd with the same!
O hateful hands, to tear such loving words!
Injurious wasps, to feed on such sweet honey
And kill the bees that yield it with your stings!
I'll kiss each several paper for amends.
Look, here is writ 'kind Julia.' Unkind Julia!
As in revenge of thy ingratitude,
I throw thy name against the bruising stones,
Trampling contemptuously on thy disdain.
And here is writ 'love-wounded Proteus.'
Poor wounded name! my bosom as a bed
Shall lodge thee till thy wound be thoroughly heal'd;
And thus I search it with a sovereign kiss.
But twice or thrice was 'Proteus' written down.
Be calm, good wind, blow not a word away
Till I have found each letter in the letter,
Except mine own name: that some whirlwind bear
Unto a ragged fearful-hanging rock
And throw it thence into the raging sea!
Lo, here in one line is his name twice writ,
'Poor forlorn Proteus, passionate Proteus,
To the sweet Julia:' that I'll tear away.
And yet I will not, sith so prettily
He couples it to his complaining names.
Thus will I fold them one on another:
Now kiss, embrace, contend, do what you will.

[Re-enter LUCETTA]

LUCETTAMadam,
Dinner is ready, and your father stays.

JULIAWell, let us go.

LUCETTAWhat, shall these papers lie like tell-tales here?

JULIAIf you respect them, best to take them up.

LUCETTANay, I was taken up for laying them down:
Yet here they shall not lie, for catching cold.

JULIAI see you have a month's mind to them.

LUCETTAAy, madam, you may say what sights you see;
I see things too, although you judge I wink.

JULIACome, come; will't please you go?

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT I



SCENE IIIThe same. ANTONIO's house.


[Enter ANTONIO and PANTHINO]

ANTONIOTell me, Panthino, what sad talk was that
Wherewith my brother held you in the cloister?

PANTHINO'Twas of his nephew Proteus, your son.

ANTONIOWhy, what of him?

PANTHINO He wonder'd that your lordship
Would suffer him to spend his youth at home,
While other men, of slender reputation,
Put forth their sons to seek preferment out:
Some to the wars, to try their fortune there;
Some to discover islands far away;
Some to the studious universities.
For any or for all these exercises,
He said that Proteus your son was meet,
And did request me to importune you
To let him spend his time no more at home,
Which would be great impeachment to his age,
In having known no travel in his youth.

ANTONIONor need'st thou much importune me to that
Whereon this month I have been hammering.
I have consider'd well his loss of time
And how he cannot be a perfect man,
Not being tried and tutor'd in the world:
Experience is by industry achieved
And perfected by the swift course of time.
Then tell me, whither were I best to send him?

PANTHINOI think your lordship is not ignorant
How his companion, youthful Valentine,
Attends the emperor in his royal court.

ANTONIOI know it well.

PANTHINO'Twere good, I think, your lordship sent him thither:
There shall he practise tilts and tournaments,
Hear sweet discourse, converse with noblemen.
And be in eye of every exercise
Worthy his youth and nobleness of birth.

ANTONIOI like thy counsel; well hast thou advised:
And that thou mayst perceive how well I like it,
The execution of it shall make known.
Even with the speediest expedition
I will dispatch him to the emperor's court.

PANTHINOTo-morrow, may it please you, Don Alphonso,
With other gentlemen of good esteem,
Are journeying to salute the emperor
And to commend their service to his will.

ANTONIOGood company; with them shall Proteus go:
And, in good time! now will we break with him.

[Enter PROTEUS]

PROTEUSSweet love! sweet lines! sweet life!
Here is her hand, the agent of her heart;
Here is her oath for love, her honour's pawn.
O, that our fathers would applaud our loves,
To seal our happiness with their consents!
O heavenly Julia!

ANTONIOHow now! what letter are you reading there?

PROTEUSMay't please your lordship, 'tis a word or two
Of commendations sent from Valentine,
Deliver'd by a friend that came from him.

ANTONIOLend me the letter; let me see what news.

PROTEUSThere is no news, my lord, but that he writes
How happily he lives, how well beloved
And daily graced by the emperor;
Wishing me with him, partner of his fortune.

ANTONIOAnd how stand you affected to his wish?

PROTEUSAs one relying on your lordship's will
And not depending on his friendly wish.

ANTONIOMy will is something sorted with his wish.
Muse not that I thus suddenly proceed;
For what I will, I will, and there an end.
I am resolved that thou shalt spend some time
With Valentinus in the emperor's court:
What maintenance he from his friends receives,
Like exhibition thou shalt have from me.
To-morrow be in readiness to go:
Excuse it not, for I am peremptory.

PROTEUSMy lord, I cannot be so soon provided:
Please you, deliberate a day or two.

ANTONIOLook, what thou want'st shall be sent after thee:
No more of stay! to-morrow thou must go.
Come on, Panthino: you shall be employ'd
To hasten on his expedition.

[Exeunt ANTONIO and PANTHINO]

PROTEUSThus have I shunn'd the fire for fear of burning,
And drench'd me in the sea, where I am drown'd.
I fear'd to show my father Julia's letter,
Lest he should take exceptions to my love;
And with the vantage of mine own excuse
Hath he excepted most against my love.
O, how this spring of love resembleth
The uncertain glory of an April day,
Which now shows all the beauty of the sun,
And by and by a cloud takes all away!

[Re-enter PANTHINO]

PANTHINOSir Proteus, your father calls for you:
He is in haste; therefore, I pray you to go.

PROTEUSWhy, this it is: my heart accords thereto,
And yet a thousand times it answers 'no.'

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT II



SCENE IMilan. The DUKE's palace.


[Enter VALENTINE and SPEED]

SPEEDSir, your glove.

VALENTINE Not mine; my gloves are on.

SPEEDWhy, then, this may be yours, for this is but one.

VALENTINEHa! let me see: ay, give it me, it's mine:
Sweet ornament that decks a thing divine!
Ah, Silvia, Silvia!

SPEEDMadam Silvia! Madam Silvia!

VALENTINEHow now, sirrah?

SPEEDShe is not within hearing, sir.

VALENTINEWhy, sir, who bade you call her?

SPEEDYour worship, sir; or else I mistook.

VALENTINEWell, you'll still be too forward.

SPEEDAnd yet I was last chidden for being too slow.

VALENTINEGo to, sir: tell me, do you know Madam Silvia?

SPEEDShe that your worship loves?

VALENTINEWhy, how know you that I am in love?

SPEEDMarry, by these special marks: first, you have
learned, like Sir Proteus, to wreathe your arms,
like a malecontent; to relish a love-song, like a
robin-redbreast; to walk alone, like one that had
the pestilence; to sigh, like a school-boy that had
lost his A B C; to weep, like a young wench that had
buried her grandam; to fast, like one that takes
diet; to watch like one that fears robbing; to
speak puling, like a beggar at Hallowmas. You were
wont, when you laughed, to crow like a cock; when you
walked, to walk like one of the lions; when you
fasted, it was presently after dinner; when you
looked sadly, it was for want of money: and now you
are metamorphosed with a mistress, that, when I look
on you, I can hardly think you my master.

VALENTINEAre all these things perceived in me?

SPEEDThey are all perceived without ye.

VALENTINEWithout me? they cannot.

SPEEDWithout you? nay, that's certain, for, without you
were so simple, none else would: but you are so
without these follies, that these follies are within
you and shine through you like the water in an
urinal, that not an eye that sees you but is a
physician to comment on your malady.

VALENTINEBut tell me, dost thou know my lady Silvia?

SPEEDShe that you gaze on so as she sits at supper?

VALENTINEHast thou observed that? even she, I mean.

SPEEDWhy, sir, I know her not.

VALENTINEDost thou know her by my gazing on her, and yet
knowest her not?

SPEEDIs she not hard-favoured, sir?

VALENTINENot so fair, boy, as well-favoured.

SPEEDSir, I know that well enough.

VALENTINEWhat dost thou know?

SPEEDThat she is not so fair as, of you, well-favoured.

VALENTINEI mean that her beauty is exquisite, but her favour infinite.

SPEEDThat's because the one is painted and the other out
of all count.

VALENTINEHow painted? and how out of count?

SPEEDMarry, sir, so painted, to make her fair, that no
man counts of her beauty.

VALENTINEHow esteemest thou me? I account of her beauty.

SPEEDYou never saw her since she was deformed.

VALENTINEHow long hath she been deformed?

SPEEDEver since you loved her.

VALENTINEI have loved her ever since I saw her; and still I
see her beautiful.

SPEEDIf you love her, you cannot see her.

VALENTINEWhy?

SPEEDBecause Love is blind. O, that you had mine eyes;
or your own eyes had the lights they were wont to
have when you chid at Sir Proteus for going
ungartered!

VALENTINEWhat should I see then?

SPEEDYour own present folly and her passing deformity:
for he, being in love, could not see to garter his
hose, and you, being in love, cannot see to put on your hose.

VALENTINEBelike, boy, then, you are in love; for last
morning you could not see to wipe my shoes.

SPEEDTrue, sir; I was in love with my bed: I thank you,
you swinged me for my love, which makes me the
bolder to chide you for yours.

VALENTINEIn conclusion, I stand affected to her.

SPEEDI would you were set, so your affection would cease.

VALENTINELast night she enjoined me to write some lines to
one she loves.

SPEEDAnd have you?

VALENTINEI have.

SPEEDAre they not lamely writ?

VALENTINENo, boy, but as well as I can do them. Peace!
here she comes.

SPEED[Aside] O excellent motion! O exceeding puppet!
Now will he interpret to her.

[Enter SILVIA]

VALENTINEMadam and mistress, a thousand good-morrows.

SPEED[Aside] O, give ye good even! here's a million of manners.

SILVIASir Valentine and servant, to you two thousand.

SPEED[Aside] He should give her interest and she gives it him.

VALENTINEAs you enjoin'd me, I have writ your letter
Unto the secret nameless friend of yours;
Which I was much unwilling to proceed in
But for my duty to your ladyship.

SILVIAI thank you gentle servant: 'tis very clerkly done.

VALENTINENow trust me, madam, it came hardly off;
For being ignorant to whom it goes
I writ at random, very doubtfully.

SILVIAPerchance you think too much of so much pains?

VALENTINENo, madam; so it stead you, I will write
Please you command, a thousand times as much; And yet--

SILVIAA pretty period! Well, I guess the sequel;
And yet I will not name it; and yet I care not;
And yet take this again; and yet I thank you,
Meaning henceforth to trouble you no more.

SPEED[Aside] And yet you will; and yet another 'yet.'

VALENTINEWhat means your ladyship? do you not like it?

SILVIAYes, yes; the lines are very quaintly writ;
But since unwillingly, take them again.
Nay, take them.

VALENTINEMadam, they are for you.

SILVIAAy, ay: you writ them, sir, at my request;
But I will none of them; they are for you;
I would have had them writ more movingly.

VALENTINEPlease you, I'll write your ladyship another.

SILVIAAnd when it's writ, for my sake read it over,
And if it please you, so; if not, why, so.

VALENTINEIf it please me, madam, what then?

SILVIAWhy, if it please you, take it for your labour:
And so, good morrow, servant.

[Exit]

SPEEDO jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible,
As a nose on a man's face, or a weathercock on a steeple!
My master sues to her, and she hath
taught her suitor,
He being her pupil, to become her tutor.
O excellent device! was there ever heard a better,
That my master, being scribe, to himself should write
the letter?

VALENTINEHow now, sir? what are you reasoning with yourself?

SPEEDNay, I was rhyming: 'tis you that have the reason.

VALENTINETo do what?

SPEEDTo be a spokesman for Madam Silvia.

VALENTINETo whom?

SPEEDTo yourself: why, she wooes you by a figure.

VALENTINEWhat figure?

SPEEDBy a letter, I should say.

VALENTINEWhy, she hath not writ to me?

SPEEDWhat need she, when she hath made you write to
yourself? Why, do you not perceive the jest?

VALENTINENo, believe me.

SPEEDNo believing you, indeed, sir. But did you perceive
her earnest?

VALENTINEShe gave me none, except an angry word.

SPEEDWhy, she hath given you a letter.

VALENTINEThat's the letter I writ to her friend.

SPEEDAnd that letter hath she delivered, and there an end.

VALENTINEI would it were no worse.

SPEEDI'll warrant you, 'tis as well:
For often have you writ to her, and she, in modesty,
Or else for want of idle time, could not again reply;
Or fearing else some messenger that might her mind discover,
Herself hath taught her love himself to write unto her lover.
All this I speak in print, for in print I found it.
Why muse you, sir? 'tis dinner-time.

VALENTINEI have dined.

SPEEDAy, but hearken, sir; though the chameleon Love can
feed on the air, I am one that am nourished by my
victuals, and would fain have meat. O, be not like
your mistress; be moved, be moved.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT II



SCENE IIVerona. JULIA'S house.


[Enter PROTEUS and JULIA]

PROTEUSHave patience, gentle Julia.

JULIAI must, where is no remedy.

PROTEUSWhen possibly I can, I will return.

JULIAIf you turn not, you will return the sooner.
Keep this remembrance for thy Julia's sake.

[Giving a ring]

PROTEUSWhy then, we'll make exchange; here, take you this.

JULIAAnd seal the bargain with a holy kiss.

PROTEUSHere is my hand for my true constancy;
And when that hour o'erslips me in the day
Wherein I sigh not, Julia, for thy sake,
The next ensuing hour some foul mischance
Torment me for my love's forgetfulness!
My father stays my coming; answer not;
The tide is now: nay, not thy tide of tears;
That tide will stay me longer than I should.
Julia, farewell!

[Exit JULIA]

What, gone without a word?
Ay, so true love should do: it cannot speak;
For truth hath better deeds than words to grace it.

[Enter PANTHINO]

PANTHINOSir Proteus, you are stay'd for.

PROTEUSGo; I come, I come.
Alas! this parting strikes poor lovers dumb.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT II



SCENE IIIThe same. A street.


[Enter LAUNCE, leading a dog]

LAUNCENay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping;
all the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I
have received my proportion, like the prodigious
son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial's
court. I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured
dog that lives: my mother weeping, my father
wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat
wringing her hands, and all our house in a great
perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed
one tear: he is a stone, a very pebble stone, and
has no more pity in him than a dog: a Jew would have
wept to have seen our parting; why, my grandam,
having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my
parting. Nay, I'll show you the manner of it. This
shoe is my father: no, this left shoe is my father:
no, no, this left shoe is my mother: nay, that
cannot be so neither: yes, it is so, it is so, it
hath the worser sole. This shoe, with the hole in
it, is my mother, and this my father; a vengeance
on't! there 'tis: now, sit, this staff is my
sister, for, look you, she is as white as a lily and
as small as a wand: this hat is Nan, our maid: I
am the dog: no, the dog is himself, and I am the
dog--Oh! the dog is me, and I am myself; ay, so,
so. Now come I to my father; Father, your blessing:
now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping:
now should I kiss my father; well, he weeps on. Now
come I to my mother: O, that she could speak now
like a wood woman! Well, I kiss her; why, there
'tis; here's my mother's breath up and down. Now
come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes. Now
the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a
word; but see how I lay the dust with my tears.

[Enter PANTHINO]

PANTHINOLaunce, away, away, aboard! thy master is shipped
and thou art to post after with oars. What's the
matter? why weepest thou, man? Away, ass! You'll
lose the tide, if you tarry any longer.

LAUNCEIt is no matter if the tied were lost; for it is the
unkindest tied that ever any man tied.

PANTHINOWhat's the unkindest tide?

LAUNCEWhy, he that's tied here, Crab, my dog.

PANTHINOTut, man, I mean thou'lt lose the flood, and, in
losing the flood, lose thy voyage, and, in losing
thy voyage, lose thy master, and, in losing thy
master, lose thy service, and, in losing thy
service,--Why dost thou stop my mouth?

LAUNCEFor fear thou shouldst lose thy tongue.

PANTHINOWhere should I lose my tongue?

LAUNCEIn thy tale.

PANTHINOIn thy tail!

LAUNCELose the tide, and the voyage, and the master, and
the service, and the tied! Why, man, if the river
were dry, I am able to fill it with my tears; if the
wind were down, I could drive the boat with my sighs.

PANTHINOCome, come away, man; I was sent to call thee.

LAUNCESir, call me what thou darest.

PANTHINOWilt thou go?

LAUNCEWell, I will go.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT II



SCENE IVMilan. The DUKE's palace.


[Enter SILVIA, VALENTINE, THURIO, and SPEED]

SILVIAServant!

VALENTINEMistress?

SPEEDMaster, Sir Thurio frowns on you.

VALENTINEAy, boy, it's for love.

SPEEDNot of you.

VALENTINEOf my mistress, then.

SPEED'Twere good you knocked him.

[Exit]

SILVIAServant, you are sad.

VALENTINEIndeed, madam, I seem so.

THURIOSeem you that you are not?

VALENTINEHaply I do.

THURIOSo do counterfeits.

VALENTINESo do you.

THURIOWhat seem I that I am not?

VALENTINEWise.

THURIOWhat instance of the contrary?

VALENTINEYour folly.

THURIOAnd how quote you my folly?

VALENTINEI quote it in your jerkin.

THURIOMy jerkin is a doublet.

VALENTINEWell, then, I'll double your folly.

THURIOHow?

SILVIAWhat, angry, Sir Thurio! do you change colour?

VALENTINEGive him leave, madam; he is a kind of chameleon.

THURIOThat hath more mind to feed on your blood than live
in your air.

VALENTINEYou have said, sir.

THURIOAy, sir, and done too, for this time.

VALENTINEI know it well, sir; you always end ere you begin.

SILVIAA fine volley of words, gentlemen, and quickly shot off.

VALENTINE'Tis indeed, madam; we thank the giver.

SILVIAWho is that, servant?

VALENTINEYourself, sweet lady; for you gave the fire. Sir
Thurio borrows his wit from your ladyship's looks,
and spends what he borrows kindly in your company.

THURIOSir, if you spend word for word with me, I shall
make your wit bankrupt.

VALENTINEI know it well, sir; you have an exchequer of words,
and, I think, no other treasure to give your
followers, for it appears by their bare liveries,
that they live by your bare words.

SILVIANo more, gentlemen, no more:--here comes my father.

[Enter DUKE]

DUKENow, daughter Silvia, you are hard beset.
Sir Valentine, your father's in good health:
What say you to a letter from your friends
Of much good news?

VALENTINE My lord, I will be thankful.
To any happy messenger from thence.

DUKEKnow ye Don Antonio, your countryman?

VALENTINEAy, my good lord, I know the gentleman
To be of worth and worthy estimation
And not without desert so well reputed.

DUKEHath he not a son?

VALENTINEAy, my good lord; a son that well deserves
The honour and regard of such a father.

DUKEYou know him well?

VALENTINEI know him as myself; for from our infancy
We have conversed and spent our hours together:
And though myself have been an idle truant,
Omitting the sweet benefit of time
To clothe mine age with angel-like perfection,
Yet hath Sir Proteus, for that's his name,
Made use and fair advantage of his days;
His years but young, but his experience old;
His head unmellow'd, but his judgment ripe;
And, in a word, for far behind his worth
Comes all the praises that I now bestow,
He is complete in feature and in mind
With all good grace to grace a gentleman.

DUKEBeshrew me, sir, but if he make this good,
He is as worthy for an empress' love
As meet to be an emperor's counsellor.
Well, sir, this gentleman is come to me,
With commendation from great potentates;
And here he means to spend his time awhile:
I think 'tis no unwelcome news to you.

VALENTINEShould I have wish'd a thing, it had been he.

DUKEWelcome him then according to his worth.
Silvia, I speak to you, and you, Sir Thurio;
For Valentine, I need not cite him to it:
I will send him hither to you presently.

[Exit]

VALENTINEThis is the gentleman I told your ladyship
Had come along with me, but that his mistress
Did hold his eyes lock'd in her crystal looks.

SILVIABelike that now she hath enfranchised them
Upon some other pawn for fealty.

VALENTINENay, sure, I think she holds them prisoners still.

SILVIANay, then he should be blind; and, being blind
How could he see his way to seek out you?

VALENTINEWhy, lady, Love hath twenty pair of eyes.

THURIOThey say that Love hath not an eye at all.

VALENTINETo see such lovers, Thurio, as yourself:
Upon a homely object Love can wink.

SILVIAHave done, have done; here comes the gentleman.

[Exit THURIO]

[Enter PROTEUS]

VALENTINEWelcome, dear Proteus! Mistress, I beseech you,
Confirm his welcome with some special favour.

SILVIAHis worth is warrant for his welcome hither,
If this be he you oft have wish'd to hear from.

VALENTINEMistress, it is: sweet lady, entertain him
To be my fellow-servant to your ladyship.

SILVIAToo low a mistress for so high a servant.

PROTEUSNot so, sweet lady: but too mean a servant
To have a look of such a worthy mistress.

VALENTINELeave off discourse of disability:
Sweet lady, entertain him for your servant.

PROTEUSMy duty will I boast of; nothing else.

SILVIAAnd duty never yet did want his meed:
Servant, you are welcome to a worthless mistress.

PROTEUSI'll die on him that says so but yourself.

SILVIAThat you are welcome?

PROTEUSThat you are worthless.

[Re-enter THURIO]

THURIOMadam, my lord your father would speak with you.

SILVIAI wait upon his pleasure. Come, Sir Thurio,
Go with me. Once more, new servant, welcome:
I'll leave you to confer of home affairs;
When you have done, we look to hear from you.

PROTEUSWe'll both attend upon your ladyship.

[Exeunt SILVIA and THURIO]

VALENTINENow, tell me, how do all from whence you came?

PROTEUSYour friends are well and have them much commended.

VALENTINEAnd how do yours?

PROTEUS I left them all in health.

VALENTINEHow does your lady? and how thrives your love?

PROTEUSMy tales of love were wont to weary you;
I know you joy not in a love discourse.

VALENTINEAy, Proteus, but that life is alter'd now:
I have done penance for contemning Love,
Whose high imperious thoughts have punish'd me
With bitter fasts, with penitential groans,
With nightly tears and daily heart-sore sighs;
For in revenge of my contempt of love,
Love hath chased sleep from my enthralled eyes
And made them watchers of mine own heart's sorrow.
O gentle Proteus, Love's a mighty lord,
And hath so humbled me, as, I confess,
There is no woe to his correction,
Nor to his service no such joy on earth.
Now no discourse, except it be of love;
Now can I break my fast, dine, sup and sleep,
Upon the very naked name of love.

PROTEUSEnough; I read your fortune in your eye.
Was this the idol that you worship so?

VALENTINEEven she; and is she not a heavenly saint?

PROTEUSNo; but she is an earthly paragon.

VALENTINECall her divine.

PROTEUS I will not flatter her.

VALENTINEO, flatter me; for love delights in praises.

PROTEUSWhen I was sick, you gave me bitter pills,
And I must minister the like to you.

VALENTINEThen speak the truth by her; if not divine,
Yet let her be a principality,
Sovereign to all the creatures on the earth.

PROTEUSExcept my mistress.

VALENTINESweet, except not any;
Except thou wilt except against my love.

PROTEUSHave I not reason to prefer mine own?

VALENTINEAnd I will help thee to prefer her too:
She shall be dignified with this high honour--
To bear my lady's train, lest the base earth
Should from her vesture chance to steal a kiss
And, of so great a favour growing proud,
Disdain to root the summer-swelling flower
And make rough winter everlastingly.

PROTEUSWhy, Valentine, what braggardism is this?

VALENTINEPardon me, Proteus: all I can is nothing
To her whose worth makes other worthies nothing;
She is alone.

PROTEUS Then let her alone.

VALENTINENot for the world: why, man, she is mine own,
And I as rich in having such a jewel
As twenty seas, if all their sand were pearl,
The water nectar and the rocks pure gold.
Forgive me that I do not dream on thee,
Because thou see'st me dote upon my love.
My foolish rival, that her father likes
Only for his possessions are so huge,
Is gone with her along, and I must after,
For love, thou know'st, is full of jealousy.

PROTEUSBut she loves you?

VALENTINEAy, and we are betroth'd: nay, more, our,
marriage-hour,
With all the cunning manner of our flight,
Determined of; how I must climb her window,
The ladder made of cords, and all the means
Plotted and 'greed on for my happiness.
Good Proteus, go with me to my chamber,
In these affairs to aid me with thy counsel.

PROTEUSGo on before; I shall inquire you forth:
I must unto the road, to disembark
Some necessaries that I needs must use,
And then I'll presently attend you.

VALENTINEWill you make haste?

PROTEUSI will.

[Exit VALENTINE]

Even as one heat another heat expels,
Or as one nail by strength drives out another,
So the remembrance of my former love
Is by a newer object quite forgotten.
Is it mine, or Valentine's praise,
Her true perfection, or my false transgression,
That makes me reasonless to reason thus?
She is fair; and so is Julia that I love--
That I did love, for now my love is thaw'd;
Which, like a waxen image, 'gainst a fire,
Bears no impression of the thing it was.
Methinks my zeal to Valentine is cold,
And that I love him not as I was wont.
O, but I love his lady too too much,
And that's the reason I love him so little.
How shall I dote on her with more advice,
That thus without advice begin to love her!
'Tis but her picture I have yet beheld,
And that hath dazzled my reason's light;
But when I look on her perfections,
There is no reason but I shall be blind.
If I can cheque my erring love, I will;
If not, to compass her I'll use my skill.

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT II



SCENE VThe same. A street.


[Enter SPEED and LAUNCE severally]

SPEEDLaunce! by mine honesty, welcome to Milan!

LAUNCEForswear not thyself, sweet youth, for I am not
welcome. I reckon this always, that a man is never
undone till he be hanged, nor never welcome to a
place till some certain shot be paid and the hostess
say 'Welcome!'

SPEEDCome on, you madcap, I'll to the alehouse with you
presently; where, for one shot of five pence, thou
shalt have five thousand welcomes. But, sirrah, how
did thy master part with Madam Julia?

LAUNCEMarry, after they closed in earnest, they parted very
fairly in jest.

SPEEDBut shall she marry him?

LAUNCENo.

SPEEDHow then? shall he marry her?

LAUNCENo, neither.

SPEEDWhat, are they broken?

LAUNCENo, they are both as whole as a fish.

SPEEDWhy, then, how stands the matter with them?

LAUNCEMarry, thus: when it stands well with him, it
stands well with her.

SPEEDWhat an ass art thou! I understand thee not.

LAUNCEWhat a block art thou, that thou canst not! My
staff understands me.

SPEEDWhat thou sayest?

LAUNCEAy, and what I do too: look thee, I'll but lean,
and my staff understands me.

SPEEDIt stands under thee, indeed.

LAUNCEWhy, stand-under and under-stand is all one.

SPEEDBut tell me true, will't be a match?

LAUNCEAsk my dog: if he say ay, it will! if he say no,
it will; if he shake his tail and say nothing, it will.

SPEEDThe conclusion is then that it will.

LAUNCEThou shalt never get such a secret from me but by a parable.

SPEED'Tis well that I get it so. But, Launce, how sayest
thou, that my master is become a notable lover?

LAUNCEI never knew him otherwise.

SPEEDThan how?

LAUNCEA notable lubber, as thou reportest him to be.

SPEEDWhy, thou whoreson ass, thou mistakest me.

LAUNCEWhy, fool, I meant not thee; I meant thy master.

SPEEDI tell thee, my master is become a hot lover.

LAUNCEWhy, I tell thee, I care not though he burn himself
in love. If thou wilt, go with me to the alehouse;
if not, thou art an Hebrew, a Jew, and not worth the
name of a Christian.

SPEEDWhy?

LAUNCEBecause thou hast not so much charity in thee as to
go to the ale with a Christian. Wilt thou go?

SPEEDAt thy service.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT II



SCENE VIThe same. The DUKE'S palace.


[Enter PROTEUS]

PROTEUSTo leave my Julia, shall I be forsworn;
To love fair Silvia, shall I be forsworn;
To wrong my friend, I shall be much forsworn;
And even that power which gave me first my oath
Provokes me to this threefold perjury;
Love bade me swear and Love bids me forswear.
O sweet-suggesting Love, if thou hast sinned,
Teach me, thy tempted subject, to excuse it!
At first I did adore a twinkling star,
But now I worship a celestial sun.
Unheedful vows may heedfully be broken,
And he wants wit that wants resolved will
To learn his wit to exchange the bad for better.
Fie, fie, unreverend tongue! to call her bad,
Whose sovereignty so oft thou hast preferr'd
With twenty thousand soul-confirming oaths.
I cannot leave to love, and yet I do;
But there I leave to love where I should love.
Julia I lose and Valentine I lose:
If I keep them, I needs must lose myself;
If I lose them, thus find I by their loss
For Valentine myself, for Julia Silvia.
I to myself am dearer than a friend,
For love is still most precious in itself;
And Silvia--witness Heaven, that made her fair!--
Shows Julia but a swarthy Ethiope.
I will forget that Julia is alive,
Remembering that my love to her is dead;
And Valentine I'll hold an enemy,
Aiming at Silvia as a sweeter friend.
I cannot now prove constant to myself,
Without some treachery used to Valentine.
This night he meaneth with a corded ladder
To climb celestial Silvia's chamber-window,
Myself in counsel, his competitor.
Now presently I'll give her father notice
Of their disguising and pretended flight;
Who, all enraged, will banish Valentine;
For Thurio, he intends, shall wed his daughter;
But, Valentine being gone, I'll quickly cross
By some sly trick blunt Thurio's dull proceeding.
Love, lend me wings to make my purpose swift,
As thou hast lent me wit to plot this drift!

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT II



SCENE VIIVerona. JULIA'S house.


[Enter JULIA and LUCETTA]

JULIACounsel, Lucetta; gentle girl, assist me;
And even in kind love I do conjure thee,
Who art the table wherein all my thoughts
Are visibly character'd and engraved,
To lesson me and tell me some good mean
How, with my honour, I may undertake
A journey to my loving Proteus.

LUCETTAAlas, the way is wearisome and long!

JULIAA true-devoted pilgrim is not weary
To measure kingdoms with his feeble steps;
Much less shall she that hath Love's wings to fly,
And when the flight is made to one so dear,
Of such divine perfection, as Sir Proteus.

LUCETTABetter forbear till Proteus make return.

JULIAO, know'st thou not his looks are my soul's food?
Pity the dearth that I have pined in,
By longing for that food so long a time.
Didst thou but know the inly touch of love,
Thou wouldst as soon go kindle fire with snow
As seek to quench the fire of love with words.

LUCETTAI do not seek to quench your love's hot fire,
But qualify the fire's extreme rage,
Lest it should burn above the bounds of reason.

JULIAThe more thou damm'st it up, the more it burns.
The current that with gentle murmur glides,
Thou know'st, being stopp'd, impatiently doth rage;
But when his fair course is not hindered,
He makes sweet music with the enamell'ed stones,
Giving a gentle kiss to every sedge
He overtaketh in his pilgrimage,
And so by many winding nooks he strays
With willing sport to the wild ocean.
Then let me go and hinder not my course
I'll be as patient as a gentle stream
And make a pastime of each weary step,
Till the last step have brought me to my love;
And there I'll rest, as after much turmoil
A blessed soul doth in Elysium.

LUCETTABut in what habit will you go along?

JULIANot like a woman; for I would prevent
The loose encounters of lascivious men:
Gentle Lucetta, fit me with such weeds
As may beseem some well-reputed page.

LUCETTAWhy, then, your ladyship must cut your hair.

JULIANo, girl, I'll knit it up in silken strings
With twenty odd-conceited true-love knots.
To be fantastic may become a youth
Of greater time than I shall show to be.

LUCETTAWhat fashion, madam shall I make your breeches?

JULIAThat fits as well as 'Tell me, good my lord,
What compass will you wear your farthingale?'
Why even what fashion thou best likest, Lucetta.

LUCETTAYou must needs have them with a codpiece, madam.

JULIAOut, out, Lucetta! that would be ill-favour'd.

LUCETTAA round hose, madam, now's not worth a pin,
Unless you have a codpiece to stick pins on.

JULIALucetta, as thou lovest me, let me have
What thou thinkest meet and is most mannerly.
But tell me, wench, how will the world repute me
For undertaking so unstaid a journey?
I fear me, it will make me scandalized.

LUCETTAIf you think so, then stay at home and go not.

JULIANay, that I will not.

LUCETTAThen never dream on infamy, but go.
If Proteus like your journey when you come,
No matter who's displeased when you are gone:
I fear me, he will scarce be pleased withal.

JULIAThat is the least, Lucetta, of my fear:
A thousand oaths, an ocean of his tears
And instances of infinite of love
Warrant me welcome to my Proteus.

LUCETTAAll these are servants to deceitful men.

JULIABase men, that use them to so base effect!
But truer stars did govern Proteus' birth
His words are bonds, his oaths are oracles,
His love sincere, his thoughts immaculate,
His tears pure messengers sent from his heart,
His heart as far from fraud as heaven from earth.

LUCETTAPray heaven he prove so, when you come to him!

JULIANow, as thou lovest me, do him not that wrong
To bear a hard opinion of his truth:
Only deserve my love by loving him;
And presently go with me to my chamber,
To take a note of what I stand in need of,
To furnish me upon my longing journey.
All that is mine I leave at thy dispose,
My goods, my lands, my reputation;
Only, in lieu thereof, dispatch me hence.
Come, answer not, but to it presently!
I am impatient of my tarriance.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT III



SCENE IMilan. The DUKE's palace.


[Enter DUKE, THURIO, and PROTEUS]

DUKESir Thurio, give us leave, I pray, awhile;
We have some secrets to confer about.

[Exit THURIO]

Now, tell me, Proteus, what's your will with me?

PROTEUSMy gracious lord, that which I would discover
The law of friendship bids me to conceal;
But when I call to mind your gracious favours
Done to me, undeserving as I am,
My duty pricks me on to utter that
Which else no worldly good should draw from me.
Know, worthy prince, Sir Valentine, my friend,
This night intends to steal away your daughter:
Myself am one made privy to the plot.
I know you have determined to bestow her
On Thurio, whom your gentle daughter hates;
And should she thus be stol'n away from you,
It would be much vexation to your age.
Thus, for my duty's sake, I rather chose
To cross my friend in his intended drift
Than, by concealing it, heap on your head
A pack of sorrows which would press you down,
Being unprevented, to your timeless grave.

DUKEProteus, I thank thee for thine honest care;
Which to requite, command me while I live.
This love of theirs myself have often seen,
Haply when they have judged me fast asleep,
And oftentimes have purposed to forbid
Sir Valentine her company and my court:
But fearing lest my jealous aim might err
And so unworthily disgrace the man,
A rashness that I ever yet have shunn'd,
I gave him gentle looks, thereby to find
That which thyself hast now disclosed to me.
And, that thou mayst perceive my fear of this,
Knowing that tender youth is soon suggested,
I nightly lodge her in an upper tower,
The key whereof myself have ever kept;
And thence she cannot be convey'd away.

PROTEUSKnow, noble lord, they have devised a mean
How he her chamber-window will ascend
And with a corded ladder fetch her down;
For which the youthful lover now is gone
And this way comes he with it presently;
Where, if it please you, you may intercept him.
But, good my Lord, do it so cunningly
That my discovery be not aimed at;
For love of you, not hate unto my friend,
Hath made me publisher of this pretence.

DUKEUpon mine honour, he shall never know
That I had any light from thee of this.

PROTEUSAdieu, my Lord; Sir Valentine is coming.

[Exit]

[Enter VALENTINE]

DUKESir Valentine, whither away so fast?

VALENTINEPlease it your grace, there is a messenger
That stays to bear my letters to my friends,
And I am going to deliver them.

DUKEBe they of much import?

VALENTINEThe tenor of them doth but signify
My health and happy being at your court.

DUKENay then, no matter; stay with me awhile;
I am to break with thee of some affairs
That touch me near, wherein thou must be secret.
'Tis not unknown to thee that I have sought
To match my friend Sir Thurio to my daughter.

VALENTINEI know it well, my Lord; and, sure, the match
Were rich and honourable; besides, the gentleman
Is full of virtue, bounty, worth and qualities
Beseeming such a wife as your fair daughter:
Cannot your Grace win her to fancy him?

DUKENo, trust me; she is peevish, sullen, froward,
Proud, disobedient, stubborn, lacking duty,
Neither regarding that she is my child
Nor fearing me as if I were her father;
And, may I say to thee, this pride of hers,
Upon advice, hath drawn my love from her;
And, where I thought the remnant of mine age
Should have been cherish'd by her child-like duty,
I now am full resolved to take a wife
And turn her out to who will take her in:
Then let her beauty be her wedding-dower;
For me and my possessions she esteems not.

VALENTINEWhat would your Grace have me to do in this?

DUKEThere is a lady in Verona here
Whom I affect; but she is nice and coy
And nought esteems my aged eloquence:
Now therefore would I have thee to my tutor--
For long agone I have forgot to court;
Besides, the fashion of the time is changed--
How and which way I may bestow myself
To be regarded in her sun-bright eye.

VALENTINEWin her with gifts, if she respect not words:
Dumb jewels often in their silent kind
More than quick words do move a woman's mind.

DUKEBut she did scorn a present that I sent her.

VALENTINEA woman sometimes scorns what best contents her.
Send her another; never give her o'er;
For scorn at first makes after-love the more.
If she do frown, 'tis not in hate of you,
But rather to beget more love in you:
If she do chide, 'tis not to have you gone;
For why, the fools are mad, if left alone.
Take no repulse, whatever she doth say;
For 'get you gone,' she doth not mean 'away!'
Flatter and praise, commend, extol their graces;
Though ne'er so black, say they have angels' faces.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man,
If with his tongue he cannot win a woman.

DUKEBut she I mean is promised by her friends
Unto a youthful gentleman of worth,
And kept severely from resort of men,
That no man hath access by day to her.

VALENTINEWhy, then, I would resort to her by night.

DUKEAy, but the doors be lock'd and keys kept safe,
That no man hath recourse to her by night.

VALENTINEWhat lets but one may enter at her window?

DUKEHer chamber is aloft, far from the ground,
And built so shelving that one cannot climb it
Without apparent hazard of his life.

VALENTINEWhy then, a ladder quaintly made of cords,
To cast up, with a pair of anchoring hooks,
Would serve to scale another Hero's tower,
So bold Leander would adventure it.

DUKENow, as thou art a gentleman of blood,
Advise me where I may have such a ladder.

VALENTINEWhen would you use it? pray, sir, tell me that.

DUKEThis very night; for Love is like a child,
That longs for every thing that he can come by.

VALENTINEBy seven o'clock I'll get you such a ladder.

DUKEBut, hark thee; I will go to her alone:
How shall I best convey the ladder thither?

VALENTINEIt will be light, my lord, that you may bear it
Under a cloak that is of any length.

DUKEA cloak as long as thine will serve the turn?

VALENTINEAy, my good lord.

DUKE Then let me see thy cloak:
I'll get me one of such another length.

VALENTINEWhy, any cloak will serve the turn, my lord.

DUKEHow shall I fashion me to wear a cloak?
I pray thee, let me feel thy cloak upon me.
What letter is this same? What's here? 'To Silvia'!
And here an engine fit for my proceeding.
I'll be so bold to break the seal for once.

[Reads]

'My thoughts do harbour with my Silvia nightly,
And slaves they are to me that send them flying:
O, could their master come and go as lightly,
Himself would lodge where senseless they are lying!
My herald thoughts in thy pure bosom rest them:
While I, their king, that hither them importune,
Do curse the grace that with such grace hath bless'd them,
Because myself do want my servants' fortune:
I curse myself, for they are sent by me,
That they should harbour where their lord would be.'
What's here?
'Silvia, this night I will enfranchise thee.'
'Tis so; and here's the ladder for the purpose.
Why, Phaeton,--for thou art Merops' son,--
Wilt thou aspire to guide the heavenly car
And with thy daring folly burn the world?
Wilt thou reach stars, because they shine on thee?
Go, base intruder! overweening slave!
Bestow thy fawning smiles on equal mates,
And think my patience, more than thy desert,
Is privilege for thy departure hence:
Thank me for this more than for all the favours
Which all too much I have bestow'd on thee.
But if thou linger in my territories
Longer than swiftest expedition
Will give thee time to leave our royal court,
By heaven! my wrath shall far exceed the love
I ever bore my daughter or thyself.
Be gone! I will not hear thy vain excuse;
But, as thou lovest thy life, make speed from hence.

[Exit]

VALENTINEAnd why not death rather than living torment?
To die is to be banish'd from myself;
And Silvia is myself: banish'd from her
Is self from self: a deadly banishment!
What light is light, if Silvia be not seen?
What joy is joy, if Silvia be not by?
Unless it be to think that she is by
And feed upon the shadow of perfection
Except I be by Silvia in the night,
There is no music in the nightingale;
Unless I look on Silvia in the day,
There is no day for me to look upon;
She is my essence, and I leave to be,
If I be not by her fair influence
Foster'd, illumined, cherish'd, kept alive.
I fly not death, to fly his deadly doom:
Tarry I here, I but attend on death:
But, fly I hence, I fly away from life.

[Enter PROTEUS and LAUNCE]

PROTEUSRun, boy, run, run, and seek him out.

LAUNCESoho, soho!

PROTEUSWhat seest thou?

LAUNCEHim we go to find: there's not a hair on's head
but 'tis a Valentine.

PROTEUSValentine?

VALENTINENo.

PROTEUSWho then? his spirit?

VALENTINENeither.

PROTEUSWhat then?

VALENTINENothing.

LAUNCECan nothing speak? Master, shall I strike?

PROTEUSWho wouldst thou strike?

LAUNCENothing.

PROTEUSVillain, forbear.

LAUNCEWhy, sir, I'll strike nothing: I pray you,--

PROTEUSSirrah, I say, forbear. Friend Valentine, a word.

VALENTINEMy ears are stopt and cannot hear good news,
So much of bad already hath possess'd them.

PROTEUSThen in dumb silence will I bury mine,
For they are harsh, untuneable and bad.

VALENTINEIs Silvia dead?

PROTEUSNo, Valentine.

VALENTINENo Valentine, indeed, for sacred Silvia.
Hath she forsworn me?

PROTEUSNo, Valentine.

VALENTINENo Valentine, if Silvia have forsworn me.
What is your news?

LAUNCESir, there is a proclamation that you are vanished.

PROTEUSThat thou art banished--O, that's the news!--
From hence, from Silvia and from me thy friend.

VALENTINEO, I have fed upon this woe already,
And now excess of it will make me surfeit.
Doth Silvia know that I am banished?

PROTEUSAy, ay; and she hath offer'd to the doom--
Which, unreversed, stands in effectual force--
A sea of melting pearl, which some call tears:
Those at her father's churlish feet she tender'd;
With them, upon her knees, her humble self;
Wringing her hands, whose whiteness so became them
As if but now they waxed pale for woe:
But neither bended knees, pure hands held up,
Sad sighs, deep groans, nor silver-shedding tears,
Could penetrate her uncompassionate sire;
But Valentine, if he be ta'en, must die.
Besides, her intercession chafed him so,
When she for thy repeal was suppliant,
That to close prison he commanded her,
With many bitter threats of biding there.

VALENTINENo more; unless the next word that thou speak'st
Have some malignant power upon my life:
If so, I pray thee, breathe it in mine ear,
As ending anthem of my endless dolour.

PROTEUSCease to lament for that thou canst not help,
And study help for that which thou lament'st.
Time is the nurse and breeder of all good.
Here if thou stay, thou canst not see thy love;
Besides, thy staying will abridge thy life.
Hope is a lover's staff; walk hence with that
And manage it against despairing thoughts.
Thy letters may be here, though thou art hence;
Which, being writ to me, shall be deliver'd
Even in the milk-white bosom of thy love.
The time now serves not to expostulate:
Come, I'll convey thee through the city-gate;
And, ere I part with thee, confer at large
Of all that may concern thy love-affairs.
As thou lovest Silvia, though not for thyself,
Regard thy danger, and along with me!

VALENTINEI pray thee, Launce, an if thou seest my boy,
Bid him make haste and meet me at the North-gate.

PROTEUSGo, sirrah, find him out. Come, Valentine.

VALENTINEO my dear Silvia! Hapless Valentine!

[Exeunt VALENTINE and PROTEUS]

LAUNCEI am but a fool, look you; and yet I have the wit to
think my master is a kind of a knave: but that's
all one, if he be but one knave. He lives not now
that knows me to be in love; yet I am in love; but a
team of horse shall not pluck that from me; nor who
'tis I love; and yet 'tis a woman; but what woman, I
will not tell myself; and yet 'tis a milkmaid; yet
'tis not a maid, for she hath had gossips; yet 'tis
a maid, for she is her master's maid, and serves for
wages. She hath more qualities than a water-spaniel;
which is much in a bare Christian.

[Pulling out a paper]

Here is the cate-log of her condition.
'Imprimis: She can fetch and carry.' Why, a horse
can do no more: nay, a horse cannot fetch, but only
carry; therefore is she better than a jade. 'Item:
She can milk;' look you, a sweet virtue in a maid
with clean hands.

[Enter SPEED]

SPEEDHow now, Signior Launce! what news with your
mastership?

LAUNCEWith my master's ship? why, it is at sea.

SPEEDWell, your old vice still; mistake the word. What
news, then, in your paper?

LAUNCEThe blackest news that ever thou heardest.

SPEEDWhy, man, how black?

LAUNCEWhy, as black as ink.

SPEEDLet me read them.

LAUNCEFie on thee, jolt-head! thou canst not read.

SPEEDThou liest; I can.

LAUNCEI will try thee. Tell me this: who begot thee?

SPEEDMarry, the son of my grandfather.

LAUNCEO illiterate loiterer! it was the son of thy
grandmother: this proves that thou canst not read.

SPEEDCome, fool, come; try me in thy paper.

LAUNCEThere; and St. Nicholas be thy speed!

SPEED[Reads] 'Imprimis: She can milk.'

LAUNCEAy, that she can.

SPEED'Item: She brews good ale.'

LAUNCEAnd thereof comes the proverb: 'Blessing of your
heart, you brew good ale.'

SPEED'Item: She can sew.'

LAUNCEThat's as much as to say, Can she so?

SPEED'Item: She can knit.'

LAUNCEWhat need a man care for a stock with a wench, when
she can knit him a stock?

SPEED'Item: She can wash and scour.'

LAUNCEA special virtue: for then she need not be washed
and scoured.

SPEED'Item: She can spin.'

LAUNCEThen may I set the world on wheels, when she can
spin for her living.

SPEED'Item: She hath many nameless virtues.'

LAUNCEThat's as much as to say, bastard virtues; that,
indeed, know not their fathers and therefore have no names.

SPEED'Here follow her vices.'

LAUNCEClose at the heels of her virtues.

SPEED'Item: She is not to be kissed fasting in respect
of her breath.'

LAUNCEWell, that fault may be mended with a breakfast. Read on.

SPEED'Item: She hath a sweet mouth.'

LAUNCEThat makes amends for her sour breath.

SPEED'Item: She doth talk in her sleep.'

LAUNCEIt's no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk.

SPEED'Item: She is slow in words.'

LAUNCEO villain, that set this down among her vices! To
be slow in words is a woman's only virtue: I pray
thee, out with't, and place it for her chief virtue.

SPEED'Item: She is proud.'

LAUNCEOut with that too; it was Eve's legacy, and cannot
be ta'en from her.

SPEED'Item: She hath no teeth.'

LAUNCEI care not for that neither, because I love crusts.

SPEED'Item: She is curst.'

LAUNCEWell, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.

SPEED'Item: She will often praise her liquor.'

LAUNCEIf her liquor be good, she shall: if she will not, I
will; for good things should be praised.

SPEED'Item: She is too liberal.'

LAUNCEOf her tongue she cannot, for that's writ down she
is slow of; of her purse she shall not, for that
I'll keep shut: now, of another thing she may, and
that cannot I help. Well, proceed.

SPEED'Item: She hath more hair than wit, and more faults
than hairs, and more wealth than faults.'

LAUNCEStop there; I'll have her: she was mine, and not
mine, twice or thrice in that last article.
Rehearse that once more.

SPEED'Item: She hath more hair than wit,'--

LAUNCEMore hair than wit? It may be; I'll prove it. The
cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it
is more than the salt; the hair that covers the wit
is more than the wit, for the greater hides the
less. What's next?

SPEED'And more faults than hairs,'--

LAUNCEThat's monstrous: O, that that were out!

SPEED'And more wealth than faults.'

LAUNCEWhy, that word makes the faults gracious. Well,
I'll have her; and if it be a match, as nothing is
impossible,--

SPEEDWhat then?

LAUNCEWhy, then will I tell thee--that thy master stays
for thee at the North-gate.

SPEEDFor me?

LAUNCEFor thee! ay, who art thou? he hath stayed for a
better man than thee.

SPEEDAnd must I go to him?

LAUNCEThou must run to him, for thou hast stayed so long
that going will scarce serve the turn.

SPEEDWhy didst not tell me sooner? pox of your love letters!

[Exit]

LAUNCENow will he be swinged for reading my letter; an
unmannerly slave, that will thrust himself into
secrets! I'll after, to rejoice in the boy's correction.

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT III



SCENE IIThe same. The DUKE's palace.


[Enter DUKE and THURIO]

DUKESir Thurio, fear not but that she will love you,
Now Valentine is banish'd from her sight.

THURIOSince his exile she hath despised me most,
Forsworn my company and rail'd at me,
That I am desperate of obtaining her.

DUKEThis weak impress of love is as a figure
Trenched in ice, which with an hour's heat
Dissolves to water and doth lose his form.
A little time will melt her frozen thoughts
And worthless Valentine shall be forgot.

[Enter PROTEUS]

How now, Sir Proteus! Is your countryman
According to our proclamation gone?

PROTEUSGone, my good lord.

DUKEMy daughter takes his going grievously.

PROTEUSA little time, my lord, will kill that grief.

DUKESo I believe; but Thurio thinks not so.
Proteus, the good conceit I hold of thee--
For thou hast shown some sign of good desert--
Makes me the better to confer with thee.

PROTEUSLonger than I prove loyal to your grace
Let me not live to look upon your grace.

DUKEThou know'st how willingly I would effect
The match between Sir Thurio and my daughter.

PROTEUSI do, my lord.

DUKEAnd also, I think, thou art not ignorant
How she opposes her against my will

PROTEUSShe did, my lord, when Valentine was here.

DUKEAy, and perversely she persevers so.
What might we do to make the girl forget
The love of Valentine and love Sir Thurio?

PROTEUSThe best way is to slander Valentine
With falsehood, cowardice and poor descent,
Three things that women highly hold in hate.

DUKEAy, but she'll think that it is spoke in hate.

PROTEUSAy, if his enemy deliver it:
Therefore it must with circumstance be spoken
By one whom she esteemeth as his friend.

DUKEThen you must undertake to slander him.

PROTEUSAnd that, my lord, I shall be loath to do:
'Tis an ill office for a gentleman,
Especially against his very friend.

DUKEWhere your good word cannot advantage him,
Your slander never can endamage him;
Therefore the office is indifferent,
Being entreated to it by your friend.

PROTEUSYou have prevail'd, my lord; if I can do it
By ought that I can speak in his dispraise,
She shall not long continue love to him.
But say this weed her love from Valentine,
It follows not that she will love Sir Thurio.

THURIOTherefore, as you unwind her love from him,
Lest it should ravel and be good to none,
You must provide to bottom it on me;
Which must be done by praising me as much
As you in worth dispraise Sir Valentine.

DUKEAnd, Proteus, we dare trust you in this kind,
Because we know, on Valentine's report,
You are already Love's firm votary
And cannot soon revolt and change your mind.
Upon this warrant shall you have access
Where you with Silvia may confer at large;
For she is lumpish, heavy, melancholy,
And, for your friend's sake, will be glad of you;
Where you may temper her by your persuasion
To hate young Valentine and love my friend.

PROTEUSAs much as I can do, I will effect:
But you, Sir Thurio, are not sharp enough;
You must lay lime to tangle her desires
By wailful sonnets, whose composed rhymes
Should be full-fraught with serviceable vows.

DUKEAy,
Much is the force of heaven-bred poesy.

PROTEUSSay that upon the altar of her beauty
You sacrifice your tears, your sighs, your heart:
Write till your ink be dry, and with your tears
Moist it again, and frame some feeling line
That may discover such integrity:
For Orpheus' lute was strung with poets' sinews,
Whose golden touch could soften steel and stones,
Make tigers tame and huge leviathans
Forsake unsounded deeps to dance on sands.
After your dire-lamenting elegies,
Visit by night your lady's chamber-window
With some sweet concert; to their instruments
Tune a deploring dump: the night's dead silence
Will well become such sweet-complaining grievance.
This, or else nothing, will inherit her.

DUKEThis discipline shows thou hast been in love.

THURIOAnd thy advice this night I'll put in practise.
Therefore, sweet Proteus, my direction-giver,
Let us into the city presently
To sort some gentlemen well skill'd in music.
I have a sonnet that will serve the turn
To give the onset to thy good advice.

DUKEAbout it, gentlemen!

PROTEUSWe'll wait upon your grace till after supper,
And afterward determine our proceedings.

DUKEEven now about it! I will pardon you.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IThe frontiers of Mantua. A forest.


[Enter certain Outlaws]

First OutlawFellows, stand fast; I see a passenger.

Second OutlawIf there be ten, shrink not, but down with 'em.

[Enter VALENTINE and SPEED]

Third OutlawStand, sir, and throw us that you have about ye:
If not: we'll make you sit and rifle you.

SPEEDSir, we are undone; these are the villains
That all the travellers do fear so much.

VALENTINEMy friends,--

First OutlawThat's not so, sir: we are your enemies.

Second OutlawPeace! we'll hear him.

Third OutlawAy, by my beard, will we, for he's a proper man.

VALENTINEThen know that I have little wealth to lose:
A man I am cross'd with adversity;
My riches are these poor habiliments,
Of which if you should here disfurnish me,
You take the sum and substance that I have.

Second OutlawWhither travel you?

VALENTINETo Verona.

First OutlawWhence came you?

VALENTINEFrom Milan.

Third OutlawHave you long sojourned there?

VALENTINESome sixteen months, and longer might have stay'd,
If crooked fortune had not thwarted me.

First OutlawWhat, were you banish'd thence?

VALENTINEI was.

Second OutlawFor what offence?

VALENTINEFor that which now torments me to rehearse:
I kill'd a man, whose death I much repent;
But yet I slew him manfully in fight,
Without false vantage or base treachery.

First OutlawWhy, ne'er repent it, if it were done so.
But were you banish'd for so small a fault?

VALENTINEI was, and held me glad of such a doom.

Second OutlawHave you the tongues?

VALENTINEMy youthful travel therein made me happy,
Or else I often had been miserable.

Third OutlawBy the bare scalp of Robin Hood's fat friar,
This fellow were a king for our wild faction!

First OutlawWe'll have him. Sirs, a word.

SPEEDMaster, be one of them; it's an honourable kind of thievery.

VALENTINEPeace, villain!

Second OutlawTell us this: have you any thing to take to?

VALENTINENothing but my fortune.

Third OutlawKnow, then, that some of us are gentlemen,
Such as the fury of ungovern'd youth
Thrust from the company of awful men:
Myself was from Verona banished
For practising to steal away a lady,
An heir, and near allied unto the duke.

Second OutlawAnd I from Mantua, for a gentleman,
Who, in my mood, I stabb'd unto the heart.

First OutlawAnd I for such like petty crimes as these,
But to the purpose--for we cite our faults,
That they may hold excus'd our lawless lives;
And partly, seeing you are beautified
With goodly shape and by your own report
A linguist and a man of such perfection
As we do in our quality much want--

Second OutlawIndeed, because you are a banish'd man,
Therefore, above the rest, we parley to you:
Are you content to be our general?
To make a virtue of necessity
And live, as we do, in this wilderness?

Third OutlawWhat say'st thou? wilt thou be of our consort?
Say ay, and be the captain of us all:
We'll do thee homage and be ruled by thee,
Love thee as our commander and our king.

First OutlawBut if thou scorn our courtesy, thou diest.

Second OutlawThou shalt not live to brag what we have offer'd.

VALENTINEI take your offer and will live with you,
Provided that you do no outrages
On silly women or poor passengers.

Third OutlawNo, we detest such vile base practises.
Come, go with us, we'll bring thee to our crews,
And show thee all the treasure we have got,
Which, with ourselves, all rest at thy dispose.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IIMilan. Outside the DUKE's palace, under SILVIA's chamber.


[Enter PROTEUS]

PROTEUSAlready have I been false to Valentine
And now I must be as unjust to Thurio.
Under the colour of commending him,
I have access my own love to prefer:
But Silvia is too fair, too true, too holy,
To be corrupted with my worthless gifts.
When I protest true loyalty to her,
She twits me with my falsehood to my friend;
When to her beauty I commend my vows,
She bids me think how I have been forsworn
In breaking faith with Julia whom I loved:
And notwithstanding all her sudden quips,
The least whereof would quell a lover's hope,
Yet, spaniel-like, the more she spurns my love,
The more it grows and fawneth on her still.
But here comes Thurio: now must we to her window,
And give some evening music to her ear.

[Enter THURIO and Musicians]

THURIOHow now, Sir Proteus, are you crept before us?

PROTEUSAy, gentle Thurio: for you know that love
Will creep in service where it cannot go.

THURIOAy, but I hope, sir, that you love not here.

PROTEUSSir, but I do; or else I would be hence.

THURIOWho? Silvia?

PROTEUS Ay, Silvia; for your sake.

THURIOI thank you for your own. Now, gentlemen,
Let's tune, and to it lustily awhile.

[Enter, at a distance, Host, and JULIA in boy's clothes]

HostNow, my young guest, methinks you're allycholly: I
pray you, why is it?

JULIAMarry, mine host, because I cannot be merry.

HostCome, we'll have you merry: I'll bring you where
you shall hear music and see the gentleman that you asked for.

JULIABut shall I hear him speak?

HostAy, that you shall.

JULIAThat will be music.

[Music plays]

HostHark, hark!

JULIAIs he among these?

HostAy: but, peace! let's hear 'em.

SONG.
Who is Silvia? what is she,
That all our swains commend her?
Holy, fair and wise is she;
The heaven such grace did lend her,
That she might admired be.

Is she kind as she is fair?
For beauty lives with kindness.
Love doth to her eyes repair,
To help him of his blindness,
And, being help'd, inhabits there.

Then to Silvia let us sing,
That Silvia is excelling;
She excels each mortal thing
Upon the dull earth dwelling:
To her let us garlands bring.

HostHow now! are you sadder than you were before? How
do you, man? the music likes you not.

JULIAYou mistake; the musician likes me not.

HostWhy, my pretty youth?

JULIAHe plays false, father.

HostHow? out of tune on the strings?

JULIANot so; but yet so false that he grieves my very
heart-strings.

HostYou have a quick ear.

JULIAAy, I would I were deaf; it makes me have a slow heart.

HostI perceive you delight not in music.

JULIANot a whit, when it jars so.

HostHark, what fine change is in the music!

JULIAAy, that change is the spite.

HostYou would have them always play but one thing?

JULIAI would always have one play but one thing.
But, host, doth this Sir Proteus that we talk on
Often resort unto this gentlewoman?

HostI tell you what Launce, his man, told me: he loved
her out of all nick.

JULIAWhere is Launce?

HostGone to seek his dog; which tomorrow, by his
master's command, he must carry for a present to his lady.

JULIAPeace! stand aside: the company parts.

PROTEUSSir Thurio, fear not you: I will so plead
That you shall say my cunning drift excels.

THURIOWhere meet we?

PROTEUS At Saint Gregory's well.

THURIOFarewell.

[Exeunt THURIO and Musicians]

[Enter SILVIA above]

PROTEUSMadam, good even to your ladyship.

SILVIAI thank you for your music, gentlemen.
Who is that that spake?

PROTEUSOne, lady, if you knew his pure heart's truth,
You would quickly learn to know him by his voice.

SILVIASir Proteus, as I take it.

PROTEUSSir Proteus, gentle lady, and your servant.

SILVIAWhat's your will?

PROTEUS That I may compass yours.

SILVIAYou have your wish; my will is even this:
That presently you hie you home to bed.
Thou subtle, perjured, false, disloyal man!
Think'st thou I am so shallow, so conceitless,
To be seduced by thy flattery,
That hast deceived so many with thy vows?
Return, return, and make thy love amends.
For me, by this pale queen of night I swear,
I am so far from granting thy request
That I despise thee for thy wrongful suit,
And by and by intend to chide myself
Even for this time I spend in talking to thee.

PROTEUSI grant, sweet love, that I did love a lady;
But she is dead.

JULIA[Aside] 'Twere false, if I should speak it;
For I am sure she is not buried.

SILVIASay that she be; yet Valentine thy friend
Survives; to whom, thyself art witness,
I am betroth'd: and art thou not ashamed
To wrong him with thy importunacy?

PROTEUSI likewise hear that Valentine is dead.

SILVIAAnd so suppose am I; for in his grave
Assure thyself my love is buried.

PROTEUSSweet lady, let me rake it from the earth.

SILVIAGo to thy lady's grave and call hers thence,
Or, at the least, in hers sepulchre thine.

JULIA[Aside] He heard not that.

PROTEUSMadam, if your heart be so obdurate,
Vouchsafe me yet your picture for my love,
The picture that is hanging in your chamber;
To that I'll speak, to that I'll sigh and weep:
For since the substance of your perfect self
Is else devoted, I am but a shadow;
And to your shadow will I make true love.

JULIA[Aside] If 'twere a substance, you would, sure,
deceive it,
And make it but a shadow, as I am.

SILVIAI am very loath to be your idol, sir;
But since your falsehood shall become you well
To worship shadows and adore false shapes,
Send to me in the morning and I'll send it:
And so, good rest.

PROTEUS As wretches have o'ernight
That wait for execution in the morn.

[Exeunt PROTEUS and SILVIA severally]

JULIAHost, will you go?

HostBy my halidom, I was fast asleep.

JULIAPray you, where lies Sir Proteus?

HostMarry, at my house. Trust me, I think 'tis almost
day.

JULIANot so; but it hath been the longest night
That e'er I watch'd and the most heaviest.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IIIThe same.


[Enter EGLAMOUR]

EGLAMOURThis is the hour that Madam Silvia
Entreated me to call and know her mind:
There's some great matter she'ld employ me in.
Madam, madam!

[Enter SILVIA above]

SILVIA Who calls?

EGLAMOURYour servant and your friend;
One that attends your ladyship's command.

SILVIASir Eglamour, a thousand times good morrow.

EGLAMOURAs many, worthy lady, to yourself:
According to your ladyship's impose,
I am thus early come to know what service
It is your pleasure to command me in.

SILVIAO Eglamour, thou art a gentleman--
Think not I flatter, for I swear I do not--
Valiant, wise, remorseful, well accomplish'd:
Thou art not ignorant what dear good will
I bear unto the banish'd Valentine,
Nor how my father would enforce me marry
Vain Thurio, whom my very soul abhors.
Thyself hast loved; and I have heard thee say
No grief did ever come so near thy heart
As when thy lady and thy true love died,
Upon whose grave thou vow'dst pure chastity.
Sir Eglamour, I would to Valentine,
To Mantua, where I hear he makes abode;
And, for the ways are dangerous to pass,
I do desire thy worthy company,
Upon whose faith and honour I repose.
Urge not my father's anger, Eglamour,
But think upon my grief, a lady's grief,
And on the justice of my flying hence,
To keep me from a most unholy match,
Which heaven and fortune still rewards with plagues.
I do desire thee, even from a heart
As full of sorrows as the sea of sands,
To bear me company and go with me:
If not, to hide what I have said to thee,
That I may venture to depart alone.

EGLAMOURMadam, I pity much your grievances;
Which since I know they virtuously are placed,
I give consent to go along with you,
Recking as little what betideth me
As much I wish all good befortune you.
When will you go?

SILVIA This evening coming.

EGLAMOURWhere shall I meet you?

SILVIAAt Friar Patrick's cell,
Where I intend holy confession.

EGLAMOURI will not fail your ladyship. Good morrow, gentle lady.

SILVIAGood morrow, kind Sir Eglamour.

[Exeunt severally]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IVThe same.


[Enter LAUNCE, with his his Dog]

LAUNCEWhen a man's servant shall play the cur with him,
look you, it goes hard: one that I brought up of a
puppy; one that I saved from drowning, when three or
four of his blind brothers and sisters went to it.
I have taught him, even as one would say precisely,
'thus I would teach a dog.' I was sent to deliver
him as a present to Mistress Silvia from my master;
and I came no sooner into the dining-chamber but he
steps me to her trencher and steals her capon's leg:
O, 'tis a foul thing when a cur cannot keep himself
in all companies! I would have, as one should say,
one that takes upon him to be a dog indeed, to be,
as it were, a dog at all things. If I had not had
more wit than he, to take a fault upon me that he did,
I think verily he had been hanged for't; sure as I
live, he had suffered for't; you shall judge. He
thrusts me himself into the company of three or four
gentlemanlike dogs under the duke's table: he had
not been there--bless the mark!--a pissing while, but
all the chamber smelt him. 'Out with the dog!' says
one: 'What cur is that?' says another: 'Whip him
out' says the third: 'Hang him up' says the duke.
I, having been acquainted with the smell before,
knew it was Crab, and goes me to the fellow that
whips the dogs: 'Friend,' quoth I, 'you mean to whip
the dog?' 'Ay, marry, do I,' quoth he. 'You do him
the more wrong,' quoth I; 'twas I did the thing you
wot of.' He makes me no more ado, but whips me out
of the chamber. How many masters would do this for
his servant? Nay, I'll be sworn, I have sat in the
stocks for puddings he hath stolen, otherwise he had
been executed; I have stood on the pillory for geese
he hath killed, otherwise he had suffered for't.
Thou thinkest not of this now. Nay, I remember the
trick you served me when I took my leave of Madam
Silvia: did not I bid thee still mark me and do as I
do? when didst thou see me heave up my leg and make
water against a gentlewoman's farthingale? didst
thou ever see me do such a trick?

[Enter PROTEUS and JULIA]

PROTEUSSebastian is thy name? I like thee well
And will employ thee in some service presently.

JULIAIn what you please: I'll do what I can.

PROTEUSI hope thou wilt.

[To LAUNCE]

How now, you whoreson peasant!
Where have you been these two days loitering?

LAUNCEMarry, sir, I carried Mistress Silvia the dog you bade me.

PROTEUSAnd what says she to my little jewel?

LAUNCEMarry, she says your dog was a cur, and tells you
currish thanks is good enough for such a present.

PROTEUSBut she received my dog?

LAUNCENo, indeed, did she not: here have I brought him
back again.

PROTEUSWhat, didst thou offer her this from me?

LAUNCEAy, sir: the other squirrel was stolen from me by
the hangman boys in the market-place: and then I
offered her mine own, who is a dog as big as ten of
yours, and therefore the gift the greater.

PROTEUSGo get thee hence, and find my dog again,
Or ne'er return again into my sight.
Away, I say! stay'st thou to vex me here?

[Exit LAUNCE]

A slave, that still an end turns me to shame!
Sebastian, I have entertained thee,
Partly that I have need of such a youth
That can with some discretion do my business,
For 'tis no trusting to yond foolish lout,
But chiefly for thy face and thy behavior,
Which, if my augury deceive me not,
Witness good bringing up, fortune and truth:
Therefore know thou, for this I entertain thee.
Go presently and take this ring with thee,
Deliver it to Madam Silvia:
She loved me well deliver'd it to me.

JULIAIt seems you loved not her, to leave her token.
She is dead, belike?

PROTEUSNot so; I think she lives.

JULIAAlas!

PROTEUSWhy dost thou cry 'alas'?

JULIAI cannot choose
But pity her.

PROTEUS Wherefore shouldst thou pity her?

JULIABecause methinks that she loved you as well
As you do love your lady Silvia:
She dreams of him that has forgot her love;
You dote on her that cares not for your love.
'Tis pity love should be so contrary;
And thinking of it makes me cry 'alas!'

PROTEUSWell, give her that ring and therewithal
This letter. That's her chamber. Tell my lady
I claim the promise for her heavenly picture.
Your message done, hie home unto my chamber,
Where thou shalt find me, sad and solitary.

[Exit]

JULIAHow many women would do such a message?
Alas, poor Proteus! thou hast entertain'd
A fox to be the shepherd of thy lambs.
Alas, poor fool! why do I pity him
That with his very heart despiseth me?
Because he loves her, he despiseth me;
Because I love him I must pity him.
This ring I gave him when he parted from me,
To bind him to remember my good will;
And now am I, unhappy messenger,
To plead for that which I would not obtain,
To carry that which I would have refused,
To praise his faith which I would have dispraised.
I am my master's true-confirmed love;
But cannot be true servant to my master,
Unless I prove false traitor to myself.
Yet will I woo for him, but yet so coldly
As, heaven it knows, I would not have him speed.

[Enter SILVIA, attended]

Gentlewoman, good day! I pray you, be my mean
To bring me where to speak with Madam Silvia.

SILVIAWhat would you with her, if that I be she?

JULIAIf you be she, I do entreat your patience
To hear me speak the message I am sent on.

SILVIAFrom whom?

JULIAFrom my master, Sir Proteus, madam.

SILVIAO, he sends you for a picture.

JULIAAy, madam.

SILVIAUrsula, bring my picture here.
Go give your master this: tell him from me,
One Julia, that his changing thoughts forget,
Would better fit his chamber than this shadow.

JULIAMadam, please you peruse this letter.--
Pardon me, madam; I have unadvised
Deliver'd you a paper that I should not:
This is the letter to your ladyship.

SILVIAI pray thee, let me look on that again.

JULIAIt may not be; good madam, pardon me.

SILVIAThere, hold!
I will not look upon your master's lines:
I know they are stuff'd with protestations
And full of new-found oaths; which he will break
As easily as I do tear his paper.

JULIAMadam, he sends your ladyship this ring.

SILVIAThe more shame for him that he sends it me;
For I have heard him say a thousand times
His Julia gave it him at his departure.
Though his false finger have profaned the ring,
Mine shall not do his Julia so much wrong.

JULIAShe thanks you.

SILVIAWhat say'st thou?

JULIAI thank you, madam, that you tender her.
Poor gentlewoman! my master wrongs her much.

SILVIADost thou know her?

JULIAAlmost as well as I do know myself:
To think upon her woes I do protest
That I have wept a hundred several times.

SILVIABelike she thinks that Proteus hath forsook her.

JULIAI think she doth; and that's her cause of sorrow.

SILVIAIs she not passing fair?

JULIAShe hath been fairer, madam, than she is:
When she did think my master loved her well,
She, in my judgment, was as fair as you:
But since she did neglect her looking-glass
And threw her sun-expelling mask away,
The air hath starved the roses in her cheeks
And pinch'd the lily-tincture of her face,
That now she is become as black as I.

SILVIAHow tall was she?

JULIAAbout my stature; for at Pentecost,
When all our pageants of delight were play'd,
Our youth got me to play the woman's part,
And I was trimm'd in Madam Julia's gown,
Which served me as fit, by all men's judgments,
As if the garment had been made for me:
Therefore I know she is about my height.
And at that time I made her weep agood,
For I did play a lamentable part:
Madam, 'twas Ariadne passioning
For Theseus' perjury and unjust flight;
Which I so lively acted with my tears
That my poor mistress, moved therewithal,
Wept bitterly; and would I might be dead
If I in thought felt not her very sorrow!

SILVIAShe is beholding to thee, gentle youth.
Alas, poor lady, desolate and left!
I weep myself to think upon thy words.
Here, youth, there is my purse; I give thee this
For thy sweet mistress' sake, because thou lovest her.
Farewell.

[Exit SILVIA, with attendants]

JULIAAnd she shall thank you for't, if e'er you know her.
A virtuous gentlewoman, mild and beautiful
I hope my master's suit will be but cold,
Since she respects my mistress' love so much.
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Here is her picture: let me see; I think,
If I had such a tire, this face of mine
Were full as lovely as is this of hers:
And yet the painter flatter'd her a little,
Unless I flatter with myself too much.
Her hair is auburn, mine is perfect yellow:
If that be all the difference in his love,
I'll get me such a colour'd periwig.
Her eyes are grey as glass, and so are mine:
Ay, but her forehead's low, and mine's as high.
What should it be that he respects in her
But I can make respective in myself,
If this fond Love were not a blinded god?
Come, shadow, come and take this shadow up,
For 'tis thy rival. O thou senseless form,
Thou shalt be worshipp'd, kiss'd, loved and adored!
And, were there sense in his idolatry,
My substance should be statue in thy stead.
I'll use thee kindly for thy mistress' sake,
That used me so; or else, by Jove I vow,
I should have scratch'd out your unseeing eyes
To make my master out of love with thee!

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IMilan. An abbey.


[Enter EGLAMOUR]

EGLAMOURThe sun begins to gild the western sky;
And now it is about the very hour
That Silvia, at Friar Patrick's cell, should meet me.
She will not fail, for lovers break not hours,
Unless it be to come before their time;
So much they spur their expedition.
See where she comes.

[Enter SILVIA]

Lady, a happy evening!

SILVIAAmen, amen! Go on, good Eglamour,
Out at the postern by the abbey-wall:
I fear I am attended by some spies.

EGLAMOURFear not: the forest is not three leagues off;
If we recover that, we are sure enough.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IIThe same. The DUKE's palace.


[Enter THURIO, PROTEUS, and JULIA]

THURIOSir Proteus, what says Silvia to my suit?

PROTEUSO, sir, I find her milder than she was;
And yet she takes exceptions at your person.

THURIOWhat, that my leg is too long?

PROTEUSNo; that it is too little.

THURIOI'll wear a boot, to make it somewhat rounder.

JULIA[Aside] But love will not be spurr'd to what
it loathes.

THURIOWhat says she to my face?

PROTEUSShe says it is a fair one.

THURIONay then, the wanton lies; my face is black.

PROTEUSBut pearls are fair; and the old saying is,
Black men are pearls in beauteous ladies' eyes.

JULIA[Aside] 'Tis true; such pearls as put out
ladies' eyes;
For I had rather wink than look on them.

THURIOHow likes she my discourse?

PROTEUSIll, when you talk of war.

THURIOBut well, when I discourse of love and peace?

JULIA[Aside] But better, indeed, when you hold your peace.

THURIOWhat says she to my valour?

PROTEUSO, sir, she makes no doubt of that.

JULIA[Aside] She needs not, when she knows it cowardice.

THURIOWhat says she to my birth?

PROTEUSThat you are well derived.

JULIA[Aside] True; from a gentleman to a fool.

THURIOConsiders she my possessions?

PROTEUSO, ay; and pities them.

THURIOWherefore?

JULIA[Aside] That such an ass should owe them.

PROTEUSThat they are out by lease.

JULIAHere comes the duke.

[Enter DUKE]

DUKEHow now, Sir Proteus! how now, Thurio!
Which of you saw Sir Eglamour of late?

THURIONot I.

PROTEUS Nor I.

DUKE Saw you my daughter?

PROTEUSNeither.

DUKEWhy then,
She's fled unto that peasant Valentine;
And Eglamour is in her company.
'Tis true; for Friar Laurence met them both,
As he in penance wander'd through the forest;
Him he knew well, and guess'd that it was she,
But, being mask'd, he was not sure of it;
Besides, she did intend confession
At Patrick's cell this even; and there she was not;
These likelihoods confirm her flight from hence.
Therefore, I pray you, stand not to discourse,
But mount you presently and meet with me
Upon the rising of the mountain-foot
That leads towards Mantua, whither they are fled:
Dispatch, sweet gentlemen, and follow me.

[Exit]

THURIOWhy, this it is to be a peevish girl,
That flies her fortune when it follows her.
I'll after, more to be revenged on Eglamour
Than for the love of reckless Silvia.

[Exit]

PROTEUSAnd I will follow, more for Silvia's love
Than hate of Eglamour that goes with her.

[Exit]

JULIAAnd I will follow, more to cross that love
Than hate for Silvia that is gone for love.

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IIIThe frontiers of Mantua. The forest.


[Enter Outlaws with SILVIA]

First OutlawCome, come,
Be patient; we must bring you to our captain.

SILVIAA thousand more mischances than this one
Have learn'd me how to brook this patiently.

Second OutlawCome, bring her away.

First OutlawWhere is the gentleman that was with her?

Third OutlawBeing nimble-footed, he hath outrun us,
But Moyses and Valerius follow him.
Go thou with her to the west end of the wood;
There is our captain: we'll follow him that's fled;
The thicket is beset; he cannot 'scape.

First OutlawCome, I must bring you to our captain's cave:
Fear not; he bears an honourable mind,
And will not use a woman lawlessly.

SILVIAO Valentine, this I endure for thee!

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IVAnother part of the forest.


[Enter VALENTINE]

VALENTINEHow use doth breed a habit in a man!
This shadowy desert, unfrequented woods,
I better brook than flourishing peopled towns:
Here can I sit alone, unseen of any,
And to the nightingale's complaining notes
Tune my distresses and record my woes.
O thou that dost inhabit in my breast,
Leave not the mansion so long tenantless,
Lest, growing ruinous, the building fall
And leave no memory of what it was!
Repair me with thy presence, Silvia;
Thou gentle nymph, cherish thy forlorn swain!
What halloing and what stir is this to-day?
These are my mates, that make their wills their law,
Have some unhappy passenger in chase.
They love me well; yet I have much to do
To keep them from uncivil outrages.
Withdraw thee, Valentine: who's this comes here?

[Enter PROTEUS, SILVIA, and JULIA]

PROTEUSMadam, this service I have done for you,
Though you respect not aught your servant doth,
To hazard life and rescue you from him
That would have forced your honour and your love;
Vouchsafe me, for my meed, but one fair look;
A smaller boon than this I cannot beg
And less than this, I am sure, you cannot give.

VALENTINE[Aside] How like a dream is this I see and hear!
Love, lend me patience to forbear awhile.

SILVIAO miserable, unhappy that I am!

PROTEUSUnhappy were you, madam, ere I came;
But by my coming I have made you happy.

SILVIABy thy approach thou makest me most unhappy.

JULIA[Aside] And me, when he approacheth to your presence.

SILVIAHad I been seized by a hungry lion,
I would have been a breakfast to the beast,
Rather than have false Proteus rescue me.
O, Heaven be judge how I love Valentine,
Whose life's as tender to me as my soul!
And full as much, for more there cannot be,
I do detest false perjured Proteus.
Therefore be gone; solicit me no more.

PROTEUSWhat dangerous action, stood it next to death,
Would I not undergo for one calm look!
O, 'tis the curse in love, and still approved,
When women cannot love where they're beloved!

SILVIAWhen Proteus cannot love where he's beloved.
Read over Julia's heart, thy first best love,
For whose dear sake thou didst then rend thy faith
Into a thousand oaths; and all those oaths
Descended into perjury, to love me.
Thou hast no faith left now, unless thou'dst two;
And that's far worse than none; better have none
Than plural faith which is too much by one:
Thou counterfeit to thy true friend!

PROTEUSIn love
Who respects friend?

SILVIAAll men but Proteus.

PROTEUSNay, if the gentle spirit of moving words
Can no way change you to a milder form,
I'll woo you like a soldier, at arms' end,
And love you 'gainst the nature of love,--force ye.

SILVIAO heaven!

PROTEUS I'll force thee yield to my desire.

VALENTINERuffian, let go that rude uncivil touch,
Thou friend of an ill fashion!

PROTEUSValentine!

VALENTINEThou common friend, that's without faith or love,
For such is a friend now; treacherous man!
Thou hast beguiled my hopes; nought but mine eye
Could have persuaded me: now I dare not say
I have one friend alive; thou wouldst disprove me.
Who should be trusted, when one's own right hand
Is perjured to the bosom? Proteus,
I am sorry I must never trust thee more,
But count the world a stranger for thy sake.
The private wound is deepest: O time most accurst,
'Mongst all foes that a friend should be the worst!

PROTEUSMy shame and guilt confounds me.
Forgive me, Valentine: if hearty sorrow
Be a sufficient ransom for offence,
I tender 't here; I do as truly suffer
As e'er I did commit.

VALENTINEThen I am paid;
And once again I do receive thee honest.
Who by repentance is not satisfied
Is nor of heaven nor earth, for these are pleased.
By penitence the Eternal's wrath's appeased:
And, that my love may appear plain and free,
All that was mine in Silvia I give thee.

JULIAO me unhappy!

[Swoons]

PROTEUSLook to the boy.

VALENTINEWhy, boy! why, wag! how now! what's the matter?
Look up; speak.

JULIAO good sir, my master charged me to deliver a ring
to Madam Silvia, which, out of my neglect, was never done.

PROTEUSWhere is that ring, boy?

JULIAHere 'tis; this is it.

PROTEUSHow! let me see:
Why, this is the ring I gave to Julia.

JULIAO, cry you mercy, sir, I have mistook:
This is the ring you sent to Silvia.

PROTEUSBut how camest thou by this ring? At my depart
I gave this unto Julia.

JULIAAnd Julia herself did give it me;
And Julia herself hath brought it hither.

PROTEUSHow! Julia!

JULIABehold her that gave aim to all thy oaths,
And entertain'd 'em deeply in her heart.
How oft hast thou with perjury cleft the root!
O Proteus, let this habit make thee blush!
Be thou ashamed that I have took upon me
Such an immodest raiment, if shame live
In a disguise of love:
It is the lesser blot, modesty finds,
Women to change their shapes than men their minds.

PROTEUSThan men their minds! 'tis true.
O heaven! were man
But constant, he were perfect. That one error
Fills him with faults; makes him run through all the sins:
Inconstancy falls off ere it begins.
What is in Silvia's face, but I may spy
More fresh in Julia's with a constant eye?

VALENTINECome, come, a hand from either:
Let me be blest to make this happy close;
'Twere pity two such friends should be long foes.

PROTEUSBear witness, Heaven, I have my wish for ever.

JULIAAnd I mine.

[Enter Outlaws, with DUKE and THURIO]

OutlawsA prize, a prize, a prize!

VALENTINEForbear, forbear, I say! it is my lord the duke.
Your grace is welcome to a man disgraced,
Banished Valentine.

DUKESir Valentine!

THURIOYonder is Silvia; and Silvia's mine.

VALENTINEThurio, give back, or else embrace thy death;
Come not within the measure of my wrath;
Do not name Silvia thine; if once again,
Verona shall not hold thee. Here she stands;
Take but possession of her with a touch:
I dare thee but to breathe upon my love.

THURIOSir Valentine, I care not for her, I;
I hold him but a fool that will endanger
His body for a girl that loves him not:
I claim her not, and therefore she is thine.

DUKEThe more degenerate and base art thou,
To make such means for her as thou hast done
And leave her on such slight conditions.
Now, by the honour of my ancestry,
I do applaud thy spirit, Valentine,
And think thee worthy of an empress' love:
Know then, I here forget all former griefs,
Cancel all grudge, repeal thee home again,
Plead a new state in thy unrivall'd merit,
To which I thus subscribe: Sir Valentine,
Thou art a gentleman and well derived;
Take thou thy Silvia, for thou hast deserved her.

VALENTINEI thank your grace; the gift hath made me happy.
I now beseech you, for your daughter's sake,
To grant one boom that I shall ask of you.

DUKEI grant it, for thine own, whate'er it be.

VALENTINEThese banish'd men that I have kept withal
Are men endued with worthy qualities:
Forgive them what they have committed here
And let them be recall'd from their exile:
They are reformed, civil, full of good
And fit for great employment, worthy lord.

DUKEThou hast prevail'd; I pardon them and thee:
Dispose of them as thou know'st their deserts.
Come, let us go: we will include all jars
With triumphs, mirth and rare solemnity.

VALENTINEAnd, as we walk along, I dare be bold
With our discourse to make your grace to smile.
What think you of this page, my lord?

DUKEI think the boy hath grace in him; he blushes.

VALENTINEI warrant you, my lord, more grace than boy.

DUKEWhat mean you by that saying?

VALENTINEPlease you, I'll tell you as we pass along,
That you will wonder what hath fortuned.
Come, Proteus; 'tis your penance but to hear
The story of your loves discovered:
That done, our day of marriage shall be yours;
One feast, one house, one mutual happiness.

[Exeunt]
posted by bigmusic at 1:11 AM on June 19, 2006 [2 favorites]



posted by chasing at 1:11 AM on June 19, 2006


No, man. I'm pretty sure this is risk's MySpace page.
posted by mr_roboto at 1:13 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by fandango_matt at 1:13 AM on June 19, 2006


ia, you are hard beset.
Sir Valentine, your father's in good health:
What say you to a letter from your friends
Of much good news?

VALENTINE My lord, I will be thankful.
To any happy messenger from thence.

DUKEKnow ye Don Antonio, your countryman?

VALENTINEAy, my good lord, I know the gentleman
To be of worth and worthy estimation
And not without desert so well reputed.

DUKEHath he not a son?

VALENTINEAy, my good lord; a son that well deserves
The honour and regard of such a father.

DUKEYou know him well?

VALENTINEI know him as myself; for from our infancy
We have conversed and spent our hours together:
And though myself have been an idle truant,
Omitting the sweet benefit of time
To clothe mine age with angel-like perfection,
Yet hath Sir Proteus, for that's his name,
Made use and fair advantage of his days;
His years but young, but his experience old;
His head unmellow'd, but his judgment ripe;
And, in a word, for far behind his worth
Comes all the praises that I now bestow,
He is complete in feature and in mind
With all good grace to grace a gentleman.

DUKEBeshrew me, sir, but if he make this good,
He is as worthy for an empress' love
As meet to be an emperor's counsellor.
Well, sir, this gentleman is come to me,
With commendation from great potentates;
And here he means to spend his time awhile:
I think 'tis no unwelcome news to you.

VALENTINEShould I have wish'd a thing, it had been he.

DUKEWelcome him then according to his worth.
Silvia, I speak to you, and you, Sir Thurio;
For Valentine, I need not cite him to it:
I will send him hither to you presently.

[Exit]

VALENTINEThis is the gentleman I told your ladyship
Had come along with me, but that his mistress
Did hold his eyes lock'd in her crystal looks.

SILVIABelike that now she hath enfranchised them
Upon some other pawn for fealty.

VALENTINENay, sure, I think she holds them prisoners still.

SILVIANay, then he should be blind; and, being blind
How could he see his way to seek out you?

VALENTINEWhy, lady, Love hath twenty pair of eyes.

THURIOThey say that Love hath not an eye at all.

VALENTINETo see such lovers, Thurio, as yourself:
Upon a homely object Love can wink.

SILVIAHave done, have done; here comes the gentleman.

[Exit THURIO]

[Enter PROTEUS]

VALENTINEWelcome, dear Proteus! Mistress, I beseech you,
Confirm his welcome with some special favour.

SILVIAHis worth is warrant for his welcome hither,
If this be he you oft have wish'd to hear from.

VALENTINEMistress, it is: sweet lady, entertain him
To be my fellow-servant to your ladyship.

SILVIAToo low a mistress for so high a servant.

PROTEUSNot so, sweet lady: but too mean a servant
To have a look of such a worthy mistress.

VALENTINELeave off discourse of disability:
Sweet lady, entertain him for your servant.

PROTEUSMy duty will I boast of; nothing else.

SILVIAAnd duty never yet did want his meed:
Servant, you are welcome to a worthless mistress.

PROTEUSI'll die on him that says so but yourself.

SILVIAThat you are welcome?

PROTEUSThat you are worthless.

[Re-enter THURIO]

THURIOMadam, my lord your father would speak with you.

SILVIAI wait upon his pleasure. Come, Sir Thurio,
Go with me. Once more, new servant, welcome:
I'll leave you to confer of home affairs;
When you have done, we look to hear from you.

PROTEUSWe'll both attend upon your ladyship.

[Exeunt SILVIA and THURIO]

VALENTINENow, tell me, how do all from whence you came?

PROTEUSYour friends are well and have them much commended.

VALENTINEAnd how do yours?

PROTEUS I left them all in health.

VALENTINEHow does your lady? and how thrives your love?

PROTEUSMy tales of love were wont to weary you;
I know you joy not in a love discourse.

VALENTINEAy, Proteus, but that life is alter'd now:
I have done penance for contemning Love,
Whose high imperious thoughts have punish'd me
With bitter fasts, with penitential groans,
With nightly tears and daily heart-sore sighs;
For in revenge of my contempt of love,
Love hath chased sleep from my enthralled eyes
And made them watchers of mine own heart's sorrow.
O gentle Proteus, Love's a mighty lord,
And hath so humbled me, as, I confess,
There is no woe to his correction,
Nor to his service no such joy on earth.
Now no discourse, except it be of love;
Now can I break my fast, dine, sup and sleep,
Upon the very naked name of love.

PROTEUSEnough; I read your fortune in your eye.
Was this the idol that you worship so?

VALENTINEEven she; and is she not a heavenly saint?

PROTEUSNo; but she is an earthly paragon.

VALENTINECall her divine.

PROTEUS I will not flatter her.

VALENTINEO, flatter me; for love delights in praises.

PROTEUSWhen I was sick, you gave me bitter pills,
And I must minister the like to you.

VALENTINEThen speak the truth by her; if not divine,
Yet let her be a principality,
Sovereign to all the creatures on the earth.

PROTEUSExcept my mistress.

VALENTINESweet, except not any;
Except thou wilt except against my love.

PROTEUSHave I not reason to prefer mine own?

VALENTINEAnd I will help thee to prefer her too:
She shall be dignified with this high honour--
To bear my lady's train, lest the base earth
Should from her vesture chance to steal a kiss
And, of so great a favour growing proud,
Disdain to root the summer-swelling flower
And make rough winter everlastingly.

PROTEUSWhy, Valentine, what braggardism is this?

VALENTINEPardon me, Proteus: all I can is nothing
To her whose worth makes other worthies nothing;
She is alone.

PROTEUS Then let her alone.

VALENTINENot for the world: why, man, she is mine own,
And I as rich in having such a jewel
As twenty seas, if all their sand were pearl,
The water nectar and the rocks pure gold.
Forgive me that I do not dream on thee,
Because thou see'st me dote upon my love.
My foolish rival, that her father likes
Only for his possessions are so huge,
Is gone with her along, and I must after,
For love, thou know'st, is full of jealousy.

PROTEUSBut she loves you?

VALENTINEAy, and we are betroth'd: nay, more, our,
marriage-hour,
With all the cunning manner of our flight,
Determined of; how I must climb her window,
The ladder made of cords, and all the means
Plotted and 'greed on for my happiness.
Good Proteus, go with me to my chamber,
In these affairs to aid me with thy counsel.

PROTEUSGo on before; I shall inquire you forth:
I must unto the road, to disembark
Some necessaries that I needs must use,
And then I'll presently attend you.

VALENTINEWill you make haste?

PROTEUSI will.

[Exit VALENTINE]

Even as one heat another heat expels,
Or as one nail by strength drives out another,
So the remembrance of my former love
Is by a newer object quite forgotten.
Is it mine, or Valentine's praise,
Her true perfection, or my false transgression,
That makes me reasonless to reason thus?
She is fair; and so is Julia that I love--
That I did love, for now my love is thaw'd;
Which, like a waxen image, 'gainst a fire,
Bears no impression of the thing it was.
Methinks my zeal to Valentine is cold,
And that I love him not as I was wont.
O, but I love his lady too too much,
And that's the reason I love him so little.
How shall I dote on her with more advice,
That thus without advice begin to love her!
'Tis but her picture I have yet beheld,
And that hath dazzled my reason's light;
But when I look on her perfections,
There is no reason but I shall be blind.
If I can cheque my erring love, I will;
If not, to compass her I'll use my skill.

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT II



SCENE VThe same. A street.


[Enter SPEED and LAUNCE severally]

SPEEDLaunce! by mine honesty, welcome to Milan!

LAUNCEForswear not thyself, sweet youth, for I am not
welcome. I reckon this always, that a man is never
undone till he be hanged, nor never welcome to a
place till some certain shot be paid and the hostess
say 'Welcome!'

SPEEDCome on, you madcap, I'll to the alehouse with you
presently; where, for one shot of five pence, thou
shalt have five thousand welcomes. But, sirrah, how
did thy master part with Madam Julia?

LAUNCEMarry, after they closed in earnest, they parted very
fairly in jest.

SPEEDBut shall she marry him?

LAUNCENo.

SPEEDHow then? shall he marry her?

LAUNCENo, neither.

SPEEDWhat, are they broken?

LAUNCENo, they are both as whole as a fish.

SPEEDWhy, then, how stands the matter with them?

LAUNCEMarry, thus: when it stands well with him, it
stands well with her.

SPEEDWhat an ass art thou! I understand thee not.

LAUNCEWhat a block art thou, that thou canst not! My
staff understands me.

SPEEDWhat thou sayest?

LAUNCEAy, and what I do too: look thee, I'll but lean,
and my staff understands me.

SPEEDIt stands under thee, indeed.

LAUNCEWhy, stand-under and under-stand is all one.

SPEEDBut tell me true, will't be a match?

LAUNCEAsk my dog: if he say ay, it will! if he say no,
it will; if he shake his tail and say nothing, it will.

SPEEDThe conclusion is then that it will.

LAUNCEThou shalt never get such a secret from me but by a parable.

SPEED'Tis well that I get it so. But, Launce, how sayest
thou, that my master is become a notable lover?

LAUNCEI never knew him otherwise.

SPEEDThan how?

LAUNCEA notable lubber, as thou reportest him to be.

SPEEDWhy, thou whoreson ass, thou mistakest me.

LAUNCEWhy, fool, I meant not thee; I meant thy master.

SPEEDI tell thee, my master is become a hot lover.

LAUNCEWhy, I tell thee, I care not though he burn himself
in love. If thou wilt, go with me to the alehouse;
if not, thou art an Hebrew, a Jew, and not worth the
name of a Christian.

SPEEDWhy?

LAUNCEBecause thou hast not so much charity in thee as to
go to the ale with a Christian. Wilt thou go?

SPEEDAt thy service.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT II



SCENE VIThe same. The DUKE'S palace.


[Enter PROTEUS]

PROTEUSTo leave my Julia, shall I be forsworn;
To love fair Silvia, shall I be forsworn;
To wrong my friend, I shall be much forsworn;
And even that power which gave me first my oath
Provokes me to this threefold perjury;
Love bade me swear and Love bids me forswear.
O sweet-suggesting Love, if thou hast sinned,
Teach me, thy tempted subject, to excuse it!
At first I did adore a twinkling star,
But now I worship a celestial sun.
Unheedful vows may heedfully be broken,
And he wants wit that wants resolved will
To learn his wit to exchange the bad for better.
Fie, fie, unreverend tongue! to call her bad,
Whose sovereignty so oft thou hast preferr'd
With twenty thousand soul-confirming oaths.
I cannot leave to love, and yet I do;
But there I leave to love where I should love.
Julia I lose and Valentine I lose:
If I keep them, I needs must lose myself;
If I lose them, thus find I by their loss
For Valentine myself, for Julia Silvia.
I to myself am dearer than a friend,
For love is still most precious in itself;
And Silvia--witness Heaven, that made her fair!--
Shows Julia but a swarthy Ethiope.
I will forget that Julia is alive,
Remembering that my love to her is dead;
And Valentine I'll hold an enemy,
Aiming at Silvia as a sweeter friend.
I cannot now prove constant to myself,
Without some treachery used to Valentine.
This night he meaneth with a corded ladder
To climb celestial Silvia's chamber-window,
Myself in counsel, his competitor.
Now presently I'll give her father notice
Of their disguising and pretended flight;
Who, all enraged, will banish Valentine;
For Thurio, he intends, shall wed his daughter;
But, Valentine being gone, I'll quickly cross
By some sly trick blunt Thurio's dull proceeding.
Love, lend me wings to make my purpose swift,
As thou hast lent me wit to plot this drift!

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT II



SCENE VIIVerona. JULIA'S house.


[Enter JULIA and LUCETTA]

JULIACounsel, Lucetta; gentle girl, assist me;
And even in kind love I do conjure thee,
Who art the table wherein all my thoughts
Are visibly character'd and engraved,
To lesson me and tell me some good mean
How, with my honour, I may undertake
A journey to my loving Proteus.

LUCETTAAlas, the way is wearisome and long!

JULIAA true-devoted pilgrim is not weary
To measure kingdoms with his feeble steps;
Much less shall she that hath Love's wings to fly,
And when the flight is made to one so dear,
Of such divine perfection, as Sir Proteus.

LUCETTABetter forbear till Proteus make return.

JULIAO, know'st thou not his looks are my soul's food?
Pity the dearth that I have pined in,
By longing for that food so long a time.
Didst thou but know the inly touch of love,
Thou wouldst as soon go kindle fire with snow
As seek to quench the fire of love with words.

LUCETTAI do not seek to quench your love's hot fire,
But qualify the fire's extreme rage,
Lest it should burn above the bounds of reason.

JULIAThe more thou damm'st it up, the more it burns.
The current that with gentle murmur glides,
Thou know'st, being stopp'd, impatiently doth rage;
But when his fair course is not hindered,
He makes sweet music with the enamell'ed stones,
Giving a gentle kiss to every sedge
He overtaketh in his pilgrimage,
And so by many winding nooks he strays
With willing sport to the wild ocean.
Then let me go and hinder not my course
I'll be as patient as a gentle stream
And make a pastime of each weary step,
Till the last step have brought me to my love;
And there I'll rest, as after much turmoil
A blessed soul doth in Elysium.

LUCETTABut in what habit will you go along?

JULIANot like a woman; for I would prevent
The loose encounters of lascivious men:
Gentle Lucetta, fit me with such weeds
As may beseem some well-reputed page.

LUCETTAWhy, then, your ladyship must cut your hair.

JULIANo, girl, I'll knit it up in silken strings
With twenty odd-conceited true-love knots.
To be fantastic may become a youth
Of greater time than I shall show to be.

LUCETTAWhat fashion, madam shall I make your breeches?

JULIAThat fits as well as 'Tell me, good my lord,
What compass will you wear your farthingale?'
Why even what fashion thou best likest, Lucetta.

LUCETTAYou must needs have them with a codpiece, madam.

JULIAOut, out, Lucetta! that would be ill-favour'd.

LUCETTAA round hose, madam, now's not worth a pin,
Unless you have a codpiece to stick pins on.

JULIALucetta, as thou lovest me, let me have
What thou thinkest meet and is most mannerly.
But tell me, wench, how will the world repute me
For undertaking so unstaid a journey?
I fear me, it will make me scandalized.

LUCETTAIf you think so, then stay at home and go not.

JULIANay, that I will not.

LUCETTAThen never dream on infamy, but go.
If Proteus like your journey when you come,
No matter who's displeased when you are gone:
I fear me, he will scarce be pleased withal.

JULIAThat is the least, Lucetta, of my fear:
A thousand oaths, an ocean of his tears
And instances of infinite of love
Warrant me welcome to my Proteus.

LUCETTAAll these are servants to deceitful men.

JULIABase men, that use them to so base effect!
But truer stars did govern Proteus' birth
His words are bonds, his oaths are oracles,
His love sincere, his thoughts immaculate,
His tears pure messengers sent from his heart,
His heart as far from fraud as heaven from earth.

LUCETTAPray heaven he prove so, when you come to him!

JULIANow, as thou lovest me, do him not that wrong
To bear a hard opinion of his truth:
Only deserve my love by loving him;
And presently go with me to my chamber,
To take a note of what I stand in need of,
To furnish me upon my longing journey.
All that is mine I leave at thy dispose,
My goods, my lands, my reputation;
Only, in lieu thereof, dispatch me hence.
Come, answer not, but to it presently!
I am impatient of my tarriance.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT III



SCENE IMilan. The DUKE's palace.


[Enter DUKE, THURIO, and PROTEUS]

DUKESir Thurio, give us leave, I pray, awhile;
We have some secrets to confer about.

[Exit THURIO]

Now, tell me, Proteus, what's your will with me?

PROTEUSMy gracious lord, that which I would discover
The law of friendship bids me to conceal;
But when I call to mind your gracious favours
Done to me, undeserving as I am,
My duty pricks me on to utter that
Which else no worldly good should draw from me.
Know, worthy prince, Sir Valentine, my friend,
This night intends to steal away your daughter:
Myself am one made privy to the plot.
I know you have determined to bestow her
On Thurio, whom your gentle daughter hates;
And should she thus be stol'n away from you,
It would be much vexation to your age.
Thus, for my duty's sake, I rather chose
To cross my friend in his intended drift
Than, by concealing it, heap on your head
A pack of sorrows which would press you down,
Being unprevented, to your timeless grave.

DUKEProteus, I thank thee for thine honest care;
Which to requite, command me while I live.
This love of theirs myself have often seen,
Haply when they have judged me fast asleep,
And oftentimes have purposed to forbid
Sir Valentine her company and my court:
But fearing lest my jealous aim might err
And so unworthily disgrace the man,
A rashness that I ever yet have shunn'd,
I gave him gentle looks, thereby to find
That which thyself hast now disclosed to me.
And, that thou mayst perceive my fear of this,
Knowing that tender youth is soon suggested,
I nightly lodge her in an upper tower,
The key whereof myself have ever kept;
And thence she cannot be convey'd away.

PROTEUSKnow, noble lord, they have devised a mean
How he her chamber-window will ascend
And with a corded ladder fetch her down;
For which the youthful lover now is gone
And this way comes he with it presently;
Where, if it please you, you may intercept him.
But, good my Lord, do it so cunningly
That my discovery be not aimed at;
For love of you, not hate unto my friend,
Hath made me publisher of this pretence.

DUKEUpon mine honour, he shall never know
That I had any light from thee of this.

PROTEUSAdieu, my Lord; Sir Valentine is coming.

[Exit]

[Enter VALENTINE]

DUKESir Valentine, whither away so fast?

VALENTINEPlease it your grace, there is a messenger
That stays to bear my letters to my friends,
And I am going to deliver them.

DUKEBe they of much import?

VALENTINEThe tenor of them doth but signify
My health and happy being at your court.

DUKENay then, no matter; stay with me awhile;
I am to break with thee of some affairs
That touch me near, wherein thou must be secret.
'Tis not unknown to thee that I have sought
To match my friend Sir Thurio to my daughter.

VALENTINEI know it well, my Lord; and, sure, the match
Were rich and honourable; besides, the gentleman
Is full of virtue, bounty, worth and qualities
Beseeming such a wife as your fair daughter:
Cannot your Grace win her to fancy him?

DUKENo, trust me; she is peevish, sullen, froward,
Proud, disobedient, stubborn, lacking duty,
Neither regarding that she is my child
Nor fearing me as if I were her father;
And, may I say to thee, this pride of hers,
Upon advice, hath drawn my love from her;
And, where I thought the remnant of mine age
Should have been cherish'd by her child-like duty,
I now am full resolved to take a wife
And turn her out to who will take her in:
Then let her beauty be her wedding-dower;
For me and my possessions she esteems not.

VALENTINEWhat would your Grace have me to do in this?

DUKEThere is a lady in Verona here
Whom I affect; but she is nice and coy
And nought esteems my aged eloquence:
Now therefore would I have thee to my tutor--
For long agone I have forgot to court;
Besides, the fashion of the time is changed--
How and which way I may bestow myself
To be regarded in her sun-bright eye.

VALENTINEWin her with gifts, if she respect not words:
Dumb jewels often in their silent kind
More than quick words do move a woman's mind.

DUKEBut she did scorn a present that I sent her.

VALENTINEA woman sometimes scorns what best contents her.
Send her another; never give her o'er;
For scorn at first makes after-love the more.
If she do frown, 'tis not in hate of you,
But rather to beget more love in you:
If she do chide, 'tis not to have you gone;
For why, the fools are mad, if left alone.
Take no repulse, whatever she doth say;
For 'get you gone,' she doth not mean 'away!'
Flatter and praise, commend, extol their graces;
Though ne'er so black, say they have angels' faces.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man,
If with his tongue he cannot win a woman.

DUKEBut she I mean is promised by her friends
Unto a youthful gentleman of worth,
And kept severely from resort of men,
That no man hath access by day to her.

VALENTINEWhy, then, I would resort to her by night.

DUKEAy, but the doors be lock'd and keys kept safe,
That no man hath recourse to her by night.

VALENTINEWhat lets but one may enter at her window?

DUKEHer chamber is aloft, far from the ground,
And built so shelving that one cannot climb it
Without apparent hazard of his life.

VALENTINEWhy then, a ladder quaintly made of cords,
To cast up, with a pair of anchoring hooks,
Would serve to scale another Hero's tower,
So bold Leander would adventure it.

DUKENow, as thou art a gentleman of blood,
Advise me where I may have such a ladder.

VALENTINEWhen would you use it? pray, sir, tell me that.

DUKEThis very night; for Love is like a child,
That longs for every thing that he can come by.

VALENTINEBy seven o'clock I'll get you such a ladder.

DUKEBut, hark thee; I will go to her alone:
How shall I best convey the ladder thither?

VALENTINEIt will be light, my lord, that you may bear it
Under a cloak that is of any length.

DUKEA cloak as long as thine will serve the turn?

VALENTINEAy, my good lord.

DUKE Then let me see thy cloak:
I'll get me one of such another length.

VALENTINEWhy, any cloak will serve the turn, my lord.

DUKEHow shall I fashion me to wear a cloak?
I pray thee, let me feel thy cloak upon me.
What letter is this same? What's here? 'To Silvia'!
And here an engine fit for my proceeding.
I'll be so bold to break the seal for once.

[Reads]

'My thoughts do harbour with my Silvia nightly,
And slaves they are to me that send them flying:
O, could their master come and go as lightly,
Himself would lodge where senseless they are lying!
My herald thoughts in thy pure bosom rest them:
While I, their king, that hither them importune,
Do curse the grace that with such grace hath bless'd them,
Because myself do want my servants' fortune:
I curse myself, for they are sent by me,
That they should harbour where their lord would be.'
What's here?
'Silvia, this night I will enfranchise thee.'
'Tis so; and here's the ladder for the purpose.
Why, Phaeton,--for thou art Merops' son,--
Wilt thou aspire to guide the heavenly car
And with thy daring folly burn the world?
Wilt thou reach stars, because they shine on thee?
Go, base intruder! overweening slave!
Bestow thy fawning smiles on equal mates,
And think my patience, more than thy desert,
Is privilege for thy departure hence:
Thank me for this more than for all the favours
Which all too much I have bestow'd on thee.
But if thou linger in my territories
Longer than swiftest expedition
Will give thee time to leave our royal court,
By heaven! my wrath shall far exceed the love
I ever bore my daughter or thyself.
Be gone! I will not hear thy vain excuse;
But, as thou lovest thy life, make speed from hence.

[Exit]

VALENTINEAnd why not death rather than living torment?
To die is to be banish'd from myself;
And Silvia is myself: banish'd from her
Is self from self: a deadly banishment!
What light is light, if Silvia be not seen?
What joy is joy, if Silvia be not by?
Unless it be to think that she is by
And feed upon the shadow of perfection
Except I be by Silvia in the night,
There is no music in the nightingale;
Unless I look on Silvia in the day,
There is no day for me to look upon;
She is my essence, and I leave to be,
If I be not by her fair influence
Foster'd, illumined, cherish'd, kept alive.
I fly not death, to fly his deadly doom:
Tarry I here, I but attend on death:
But, fly I hence, I fly away from life.

[Enter PROTEUS and LAUNCE]

PROTEUSRun, boy, run, run, and seek him out.

LAUNCESoho, soho!

PROTEUSWhat seest thou?

LAUNCEHim we go to find: there's not a hair on's head
but 'tis a Valentine.

PROTEUSValentine?

VALENTINENo.

PROTEUSWho then? his spirit?

VALENTINENeither.

PROTEUSWhat then?

VALENTINENothing.

LAUNCECan nothing speak? Master, shall I strike?

PROTEUSWho wouldst thou strike?

LAUNCENothing.

PROTEUSVillain, forbear.

LAUNCEWhy, sir, I'll strike nothing: I pray you,--

PROTEUSSirrah, I say, forbear. Friend Valentine, a word.

VALENTINEMy ears are stopt and cannot hear good news,
So much of bad already hath possess'd them.

PROTEUSThen in dumb silence will I bury mine,
For they are harsh, untuneable and bad.

VALENTINEIs Silvia dead?

PROTEUSNo, Valentine.

VALENTINENo Valentine, indeed, for sacred Silvia.
Hath she forsworn me?

PROTEUSNo, Valentine.

VALENTINENo Valentine, if Silvia have forsworn me.
What is your news?

LAUNCESir, there is a proclamation that you are vanished.

PROTEUSThat thou art banished--O, that's the news!--
From hence, from Silvia and from me thy friend.

VALENTINEO, I have fed upon this woe already,
And now excess of it will make me surfeit.
Doth Silvia know that I am banished?

PROTEUSAy, ay; and she hath offer'd to the doom--
Which, unreversed, stands in effectual force--
A sea of melting pearl, which some call tears:
Those at her father's churlish feet she tender'd;
With them, upon her knees, her humble self;
Wringing her hands, whose whiteness so became them
As if but now they waxed pale for woe:
But neither bended knees, pure hands held up,
Sad sighs, deep groans, nor silver-shedding tears,
Could penetrate her uncompassionate sire;
But Valentine, if he be ta'en, must die.
Besides, her intercession chafed him so,
When she for thy repeal was suppliant,
That to close prison he commanded her,
With many bitter threats of biding there.

VALENTINENo more; unless the next word that thou speak'st
Have some malignant power upon my life:
If so, I pray thee, breathe it in mine ear,
As ending anthem of my endless dolour.

PROTEUSCease to lament for that thou canst not help,
And study help for that which thou lament'st.
Time is the nurse and breeder of all good.
Here if thou stay, thou canst not see thy love;
Besides, thy staying will abridge thy life.
Hope is a lover's staff; walk hence with that
And manage it against despairing thoughts.
Thy letters may be here, though thou art hence;
Which, being writ to me, shall be deliver'd
Even in the milk-white bosom of thy love.
The time now serves not to expostulate:
Come, I'll convey thee through the city-gate;
And, ere I part with thee, confer at large
Of all that may concern thy love-affairs.
As thou lovest Silvia, though not for thyself,
Regard thy danger, and along with me!

VALENTINEI pray thee, Launce, an if thou seest my boy,
Bid him make haste and meet me at the North-gate.

PROTEUSGo, sirrah, find him out. Come, Valentine.

VALENTINEO my dear Silvia! Hapless Valentine!

[Exeunt VALENTINE and PROTEUS]

LAUNCEI am but a fool, look you; and yet I have the wit to
think my master is a kind of a knave: but that's
all one, if he be but one knave. He lives not now
that knows me to be in love; yet I am in love; but a
team of horse shall not pluck that from me; nor who
'tis I love; and yet 'tis a woman; but what woman, I
will not tell myself; and yet 'tis a milkmaid; yet
'tis not a maid, for she hath had gossips; yet 'tis
a maid, for she is her master's maid, and serves for
wages. She hath more qualities than a water-spaniel;
which is much in a bare Christian.

[Pulling out a paper]

Here is the cate-log of her condition.
'Imprimis: She can fetch and carry.' Why, a horse
can do no more: nay, a horse cannot fetch, but only
carry; therefore is she better than a jade. 'Item:
She can milk;' look you, a sweet virtue in a maid
with clean hands.

[Enter SPEED]

SPEEDHow now, Signior Launce! what news with your
mastership?

LAUNCEWith my master's ship? why, it is at sea.

SPEEDWell, your old vice still; mistake the word. What
news, then, in your paper?

LAUNCEThe blackest news that ever thou heardest.

SPEEDWhy, man, how black?

LAUNCEWhy, as black as ink.

SPEEDLet me read them.

LAUNCEFie on thee, jolt-head! thou canst not read.

SPEEDThou liest; I can.

LAUNCEI will try thee. Tell me this: who begot thee?

SPEEDMarry, the son of my grandfather.

LAUNCEO illiterate loiterer! it was the son of thy
grandmother: this proves that thou canst not read.

SPEEDCome, fool, come; try me in thy paper.

LAUNCEThere; and St. Nicholas be thy speed!

SPEED[Reads] 'Imprimis: She can milk.'

LAUNCEAy, that she can.

SPEED'Item: She brews good ale.'

LAUNCEAnd thereof comes the proverb: 'Blessing of your
heart, you brew good ale.'

SPEED'Item: She can sew.'

LAUNCEThat's as much as to say, Can she so?

SPEED'Item: She can knit.'

LAUNCEWhat need a man care for a stock with a wench, when
she can knit him a stock?

SPEED'Item: She can wash and scour.'

LAUNCEA special virtue: for then she need not be washed
and scoured.

SPEED'Item: She can spin.'

LAUNCEThen may I set the world on wheels, when she can
spin for her living.

SPEED'Item: She hath many nameless virtues.'

LAUNCEThat's as much as to say, bastard virtues; that,
indeed, know not their fathers and therefore have no names.

SPEED'Here follow her vices.'

LAUNCEClose at the heels of her virtues.

SPEED'Item: She is not to be kissed fasting in respect
of her breath.'

LAUNCEWell, that fault may be mended with a breakfast. Read on.

SPEED'Item: She hath a sweet mouth.'

LAUNCEThat makes amends for her sour breath.

SPEED'Item: She doth talk in her sleep.'

LAUNCEIt's no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk.

SPEED'Item: She is slow in words.'

LAUNCEO villain, that set this down among her vices! To
be slow in words is a woman's only virtue: I pray
thee, out with't, and place it for her chief virtue.

SPEED'Item: She is proud.'

LAUNCEOut with that too; it was Eve's legacy, and cannot
be ta'en from her.

SPEED'Item: She hath no teeth.'

LAUNCEI care not for that neither, because I love crusts.

SPEED'Item: She is curst.'

LAUNCEWell, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.

SPEED'Item: She will often praise her liquor.'

LAUNCEIf her liquor be good, she shall: if she will not, I
will; for good things should be praised.

SPEED'Item: She is too liberal.'

LAUNCEOf her tongue she cannot, for that's writ down she
is slow of; of her purse she shall not, for that
I'll keep shut: now, of another thing she may, and
that cannot I help. Well, proceed.

SPEED'Item: She hath more hair than wit, and more faults
than hairs, and more wealth than faults.'

LAUNCEStop there; I'll have her: she was mine, and not
mine, twice or thrice in that last article.
Rehearse that once more.

SPEED'Item: She hath more hair than wit,'--

LAUNCEMore hair than wit? It may be; I'll prove it. The
cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it
is more than the salt; the hair that covers the wit
is more than the wit, for the greater hides the
less. What's next?

SPEED'And more faults than hairs,'--

LAUNCEThat's monstrous: O, that that were out!

SPEED'And more wealth than faults.'

LAUNCEWhy, that word makes the faults gracious. Well,
I'll have her; and if it be a match, as nothing is
impossible,--

SPEEDWhat then?

LAUNCEWhy, then will I tell thee--that thy master stays
for thee at the North-gate.

SPEEDFor me?

LAUNCEFor thee! ay, who art thou? he hath stayed for a
better man than thee.

SPEEDAnd must I go to him?

LAUNCEThou must run to him, for thou hast stayed so long
that going will scarce serve the turn.

SPEEDWhy didst not tell me sooner? pox of your love letters!

[Exit]

LAUNCENow will he be swinged for reading my letter; an
unmannerly slave, that will thrust himself into
secrets! I'll after, to rejoice in the boy's correction.

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT III



SCENE IIThe same. The DUKE's palace.


[Enter DUKE and THURIO]

DUKESir Thurio, fear not but that she will love you,
Now Valentine is banish'd from her sight.

THURIOSince his exile she hath despised me most,
Forsworn my company and rail'd at me,
That I am desperate of obtaining her.

DUKEThis weak impress of love is as a figure
Trenched in ice, which with an hour's heat
Dissolves to water and doth lose his form.
A little time will melt her frozen thoughts
And worthless Valentine shall be forgot.

[Enter PROTEUS]

How now, Sir Proteus! Is your countryman
According to our proclamation gone?

PROTEUSGone, my good lord.

DUKEMy daughter takes his going grievously.

PROTEUSA little time, my lord, will kill that grief.

DUKESo I believe; but Thurio thinks not so.
Proteus, the good conceit I hold of thee--
For thou hast shown some sign of good desert--
Makes me the better to confer with thee.

PROTEUSLonger than I prove loyal to your grace
Let me not live to look upon your grace.

DUKEThou know'st how willingly I would effect
The match between Sir Thurio and my daughter.

PROTEUSI do, my lord.

DUKEAnd also, I think, thou art not ignorant
How she opposes her against my will

PROTEUSShe did, my lord, when Valentine was here.

DUKEAy, and perversely she persevers so.
What might we do to make the girl forget
The love of Valentine and love Sir Thurio?

PROTEUSThe best way is to slander Valentine
With falsehood, cowardice and poor descent,
Three things that women highly hold in hate.

DUKEAy, but she'll think that it is spoke in hate.

PROTEUSAy, if his enemy deliver it:
Therefore it must with circumstance be spoken
By one whom she esteemeth as his friend.

DUKEThen you must undertake to slander him.

PROTEUSAnd that, my lord, I shall be loath to do:
'Tis an ill office for a gentleman,
Especially against his very friend.

DUKEWhere your good word cannot advantage him,
Your slander never can endamage him;
Therefore the office is indifferent,
Being entreated to it by your friend.

PROTEUSYou have prevail'd, my lord; if I can do it
By ought that I can speak in his dispraise,
She shall not long continue love to him.
But say this weed her love from Valentine,
It follows not that she will love Sir Thurio.

THURIOTherefore, as you unwind her love from him,
Lest it should ravel and be good to none,
You must provide to bottom it on me;
Which must be done by praising me as much
As you in worth dispraise Sir Valentine.

DUKEAnd, Proteus, we dare trust you in this kind,
Because we know, on Valentine's report,
You are already Love's firm votary
And cannot soon revolt and change your mind.
Upon this warrant shall you have access
Where you with Silvia may confer at large;
For she is lumpish, heavy, melancholy,
And, for your friend's sake, will be glad of you;
Where you may temper her by your persuasion
To hate young Valentine and love my friend.

PROTEUSAs much as I can do, I will effect:
But you, Sir Thurio, are not sharp enough;
You must lay lime to tangle her desires
By wailful sonnets, whose composed rhymes
Should be full-fraught with serviceable vows.

DUKEAy,
Much is the force of heaven-bred poesy.

PROTEUSSay that upon the altar of her beauty
You sacrifice your tears, your sighs, your heart:
Write till your ink be dry, and with your tears
Moist it again, and frame some feeling line
That may discover such integrity:
For Orpheus' lute was strung with poets' sinews,
Whose golden touch could soften steel and stones,
Make tigers tame and huge leviathans
Forsake unsounded deeps to dance on sands.
After your dire-lamenting elegies,
Visit by night your lady's chamber-window
With some sweet concert; to their instruments
Tune a deploring dump: the night's dead silence
Will well become such sweet-complaining grievance.
This, or else nothing, will inherit her.

DUKEThis discipline shows thou hast been in love.

THURIOAnd thy advice this night I'll put in practise.
Therefore, sweet Proteus, my direction-giver,
Let us into the city presently
To sort some gentlemen well skill'd in music.
I have a sonnet that will serve the turn
To give the onset to thy good advice.

DUKEAbout it, gentlemen!

PROTEUSWe'll wait upon your grace till after supper,
And afterward determine our proceedings.

DUKEEven now about it! I will pardon you.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IThe frontiers of Mantua. A forest.


[Enter certain Outlaws]

First OutlawFellows, stand fast; I see a passenger.

Second OutlawIf there be ten, shrink not, but down with 'em.

[Enter VALENTINE and SPEED]

Third OutlawStand, sir, and throw us that you have about ye:
If not: we'll make you sit and rifle you.

SPEEDSir, we are undone; these are the villains
That all the travellers do fear so much.

VALENTINEMy friends,--

First OutlawThat's not so, sir: we are your enemies.

Second OutlawPeace! we'll hear him.

Third OutlawAy, by my beard, will we, for he's a proper man.

VALENTINEThen know that I have little wealth to lose:
A man I am cross'd with adversity;
My riches are these poor habiliments,
Of which if you should here disfurnish me,
You take the sum and substance that I have.

Second OutlawWhither travel you?

VALENTINETo Verona.

First OutlawWhence came you?

VALENTINEFrom Milan.

Third OutlawHave you long sojourned there?

VALENTINESome sixteen months, and longer might have stay'd,
If crooked fortune had not thwarted me.

First OutlawWhat, were you banish'd thence?

VALENTINEI was.

Second OutlawFor what offence?

VALENTINEFor that which now torments me to rehearse:
I kill'd a man, whose death I much repent;
But yet I slew him manfully in fight,
Without false vantage or base treachery.

First OutlawWhy, ne'er repent it, if it were done so.
But were you banish'd for so small a fault?

VALENTINEI was, and held me glad of such a doom.

Second OutlawHave you the tongues?

VALENTINEMy youthful travel therein made me happy,
Or else I often had been miserable.

Third OutlawBy the bare scalp of Robin Hood's fat friar,
This fellow were a king for our wild faction!

First OutlawWe'll have him. Sirs, a word.

SPEEDMaster, be one of them; it's an honourable kind of thievery.

VALENTINEPeace, villain!

Second OutlawTell us this: have you any thing to take to?

VALENTINENothing but my fortune.

Third OutlawKnow, then, that some of us are gentlemen,
Such as the fury of ungovern'd youth
Thrust from the company of awful men:
Myself was from Verona banished
For practising to steal away a lady,
An heir, and near allied unto the duke.

Second OutlawAnd I from Mantua, for a gentleman,
Who, in my mood, I stabb'd unto the heart.

First OutlawAnd I for such like petty crimes as these,
But to the purpose--for we cite our faults,
That they may hold excus'd our lawless lives;
And partly, seeing you are beautified
With goodly shape and by your own report
A linguist and a man of such perfection
As we do in our quality much want--

Second OutlawIndeed, because you are a banish'd man,
Therefore, above the rest, we parley to you:
Are you content to be our general?
To make a virtue of necessity
And live, as we do, in this wilderness?

Third OutlawWhat say'st thou? wilt thou be of our consort?
Say ay, and be the captain of us all:
We'll do thee homage and be ruled by thee,
Love thee as our commander and our king.

First OutlawBut if thou scorn our courtesy, thou diest.

Second OutlawThou shalt not live to brag what we have offer'd.

VALENTINEI take your offer and will live with you,
Provided that you do no outrages
On silly women or poor passengers.

Third OutlawNo, we detest such vile base practises.
Come, go with us, we'll bring thee to our crews,
And show thee all the treasure we have got,
Which, with ourselves, all rest at thy dispose.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IIMilan. Outside the DUKE's palace, under SILVIA's chamber.


[Enter PROTEUS]

PROTEUSAlready have I been false to Valentine
And now I must be as unjust to Thurio.
Under the colour of commending him,
I have access my own love to prefer:
But Silvia is too fair, too true, too holy,
To be corrupted with my worthless gifts.
When I protest true loyalty to her,
She twits me with my falsehood to my friend;
When to her beauty I commend my vows,
She bids me think how I have been forsworn
In breaking faith with Julia whom I loved:
And notwithstanding all her sudden quips,
The least whereof would quell a lover's hope,
Yet, spaniel-like, the more she spurns my love,
The more it grows and fawneth on her still.
But here comes Thurio: now must we to her window,
And give some evening music to her ear.

[Enter THURIO and Musicians]

THURIOHow now, Sir Proteus, are you crept before us?

PROTEUSAy, gentle Thurio: for you know that love
Will creep in service where it cannot go.

THURIOAy, but I hope, sir, that you love not here.

PROTEUSSir, but I do; or else I would be hence.

THURIOWho? Silvia?

PROTEUS Ay, Silvia; for your sake.

THURIOI thank you for your own. Now, gentlemen,
Let's tune, and to it lustily awhile.

[Enter, at a distance, Host, and JULIA in boy's clothes]

HostNow, my young guest, methinks you're allycholly: I
pray you, why is it?

JULIAMarry, mine host, because I cannot be merry.

HostCome, we'll have you merry: I'll bring you where
you shall hear music and see the gentleman that you asked for.

JULIABut shall I hear him speak?

HostAy, that you shall.

JULIAThat will be music.

[Music plays]

HostHark, hark!

JULIAIs he among these?

HostAy: but, peace! let's hear 'em.

SONG.
Who is Silvia? what is she,
That all our swains commend her?
Holy, fair and wise is she;
The heaven such grace did lend her,
That she might admired be.

Is she kind as she is fair?
For beauty lives with kindness.
Love doth to her eyes repair,
To help him of his blindness,
And, being help'd, inhabits there.

Then to Silvia let us sing,
That Silvia is excelling;
She excels each mortal thing
Upon the dull earth dwelling:
To her let us garlands bring.

HostHow now! are you sadder than you were before? How
do you, man? the music likes you not.

JULIAYou mistake; the musician likes me not.

HostWhy, my pretty youth?

JULIAHe plays false, father.

HostHow? out of tune on the strings?

JULIANot so; but yet so false that he grieves my very
heart-strings.

HostYou have a quick ear.

JULIAAy, I would I were deaf; it makes me have a slow heart.

HostI perceive you delight not in music.

JULIANot a whit, when it jars so.

HostHark, what fine change is in the music!

JULIAAy, that change is the spite.

HostYou would have them always play but one thing?

JULIAI would always have one play but one thing.
But, host, doth this Sir Proteus that we talk on
Often resort unto this gentlewoman?

HostI tell you what Launce, his man, told me: he loved
her out of all nick.

JULIAWhere is Launce?

HostGone to seek his dog; which tomorrow, by his
master's command, he must carry for a present to his lady.

JULIAPeace! stand aside: the company parts.

PROTEUSSir Thurio, fear not you: I will so plead
That you shall say my cunning drift excels.

THURIOWhere meet we?

PROTEUS At Saint Gregory's well.

THURIOFarewell.

[Exeunt THURIO and Musicians]

[Enter SILVIA above]

PROTEUSMadam, good even to your ladyship.

SILVIAI thank you for your music, gentlemen.
Who is that that spake?

PROTEUSOne, lady, if you knew his pure heart's truth,
You would quickly learn to know him by his voice.

SILVIASir Proteus, as I take it.

PROTEUSSir Proteus, gentle lady, and your servant.

SILVIAWhat's your will?

PROTEUS That I may compass yours.

SILVIAYou have your wish; my will is even this:
That presently you hie you home to bed.
Thou subtle, perjured, false, disloyal man!
Think'st thou I am so shallow, so conceitless,
To be seduced by thy flattery,
That hast deceived so many with thy vows?
Return, return, and make thy love amends.
For me, by this pale queen of night I swear,
I am so far from granting thy request
That I despise thee for thy wrongful suit,
And by and by intend to chide myself
Even for this time I spend in talking to thee.

PROTEUSI grant, sweet love, that I did love a lady;
But she is dead.

JULIA[Aside] 'Twere false, if I should speak it;
For I am sure she is not buried.

SILVIASay that she be; yet Valentine thy friend
Survives; to whom, thyself art witness,
I am betroth'd: and art thou not ashamed
To wrong him with thy importunacy?

PROTEUSI likewise hear that Valentine is dead.

SILVIAAnd so suppose am I; for in his grave
Assure thyself my love is buried.

PROTEUSSweet lady, let me rake it from the earth.

SILVIAGo to thy lady's grave and call hers thence,
Or, at the least, in hers sepulchre thine.

JULIA[Aside] He heard not that.

PROTEUSMadam, if your heart be so obdurate,
Vouchsafe me yet your picture for my love,
The picture that is hanging in your chamber;
To that I'll speak, to that I'll sigh and weep:
For since the substance of your perfect self
Is else devoted, I am but a shadow;
And to your shadow will I make true love.

JULIA[Aside] If 'twere a substance, you would, sure,
deceive it,
And make it but a shadow, as I am.

SILVIAI am very loath to be your idol, sir;
But since your falsehood shall become you well
To worship shadows and adore false shapes,
Send to me in the morning and I'll send it:
And so, good rest.

PROTEUS As wretches have o'ernight
That wait for execution in the morn.

[Exeunt PROTEUS and SILVIA severally]

JULIAHost, will you go?

HostBy my halidom, I was fast asleep.

JULIAPray you, where lies Sir Proteus?

HostMarry, at my house. Trust me, I think 'tis almost
day.

JULIANot so; but it hath been the longest night
That e'er I watch'd and the most heaviest.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IIIThe same.


[Enter EGLAMOUR]

EGLAMOURThis is the hour that Madam Silvia
Entreated me to call and know her mind:
There's some great matter she'ld employ me in.
Madam, madam!

[Enter SILVIA above]

SILVIA Who calls?

EGLAMOURYour servant and your friend;
One that attends your ladyship's command.

SILVIASir Eglamour, a thousand times good morrow.

EGLAMOURAs many, worthy lady, to yourself:
According to your ladyship's impose,
I am thus early come to know what service
It is your pleasure to command me in.

SILVIAO Eglamour, thou art a gentleman--
Think not I flatter, for I swear I do not--
Valiant, wise, remorseful, well accomplish'd:
Thou art not ignorant what dear good will
I bear unto the banish'd Valentine,
Nor how my father would enforce me marry
Vain Thurio, whom my very soul abhors.
Thyself hast loved; and I have heard thee say
No grief did ever come so near thy heart
As when thy lady and thy true love died,
Upon whose grave thou vow'dst pure chastity.
Sir Eglamour, I would to Valentine,
To Mantua, where I hear he makes abode;
And, for the ways are dangerous to pass,
I do desire thy worthy company,
Upon whose faith and honour I repose.
Urge not my father's anger, Eglamour,
But think upon my grief, a lady's grief,
And on the justice of my flying hence,
To keep me from a most unholy match,
Which heaven and fortune still rewards with plagues.
I do desire thee, even from a heart
As full of sorrows as the sea of sands,
To bear me company and go with me:
If not, to hide what I have said to thee,
That I may venture to depart alone.

EGLAMOURMadam, I pity much your grievances;
Which since I know they virtuously are placed,
I give consent to go along with you,
Recking as little what betideth me
As much I wish all good befortune you.
When will you go?

SILVIA This evening coming.

EGLAMOURWhere shall I meet you?

SILVIAAt Friar Patrick's cell,
Where I intend holy confession.

EGLAMOURI will not fail your ladyship. Good morrow, gentle lady.

SILVIAGood morrow, kind Sir Eglamour.

[Exeunt severally]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IVThe same.


[Enter LAUNCE, with his his Dog]

LAUNCEWhen a man's servant shall play the cur with him,
look you, it goes hard: one that I brought up of a
puppy; one that I saved from drowning, when three or
four of his blind brothers and sisters went to it.
I have taught him, even as one would say precisely,
'thus I would teach a dog.' I was sent to deliver
him as a present to Mistress Silvia from my master;
and I came no sooner into the dining-chamber but he
steps me to her trencher and steals her capon's leg:
O, 'tis a foul thing when a cur cannot keep himself
in all companies! I would have, as one should say,
one that takes upon him to be a dog indeed, to be,
as it were, a dog at all things. If I had not had
more wit than he, to take a fault upon me that he did,
I think verily he had been hanged for't; sure as I
live, he had suffered for't; you shall judge. He
thrusts me himself into the company of three or four
gentlemanlike dogs under the duke's table: he had
not been there--bless the mark!--a pissing while, but
all the chamber smelt him. 'Out with the dog!' says
one: 'What cur is that?' says another: 'Whip him
out' says the third: 'Hang him up' says the duke.
I, having been acquainted with the smell before,
knew it was Crab, and goes me to the fellow that
whips the dogs: 'Friend,' quoth I, 'you mean to whip
the dog?' 'Ay, marry, do I,' quoth he. 'You do him
the more wrong,' quoth I; 'twas I did the thing you
wot of.' He makes me no more ado, but whips me out
of the chamber. How many masters would do this for
his servant? Nay, I'll be sworn, I have sat in the
stocks for puddings he hath stolen, otherwise he had
been executed; I have stood on the pillory for geese
he hath killed, otherwise he had suffered for't.
Thou thinkest not of this now. Nay, I remember the
trick you served me when I took my leave of Madam
Silvia: did not I bid thee still mark me and do as I
do? when didst thou see me heave up my leg and make
water against a gentlewoman's farthingale? didst
thou ever see me do such a trick?

[Enter PROTEUS and JULIA]

PROTEUSSebastian is thy name? I like thee well
And will employ thee in some service presently.

JULIAIn what you please: I'll do what I can.

PROTEUSI hope thou wilt.

[To LAUNCE]

How now, you whoreson peasant!
Where have you been these two days loitering?

LAUNCEMarry, sir, I carried Mistress Silvia the dog you bade me.

PROTEUSAnd what says she to my little jewel?

LAUNCEMarry, she says your dog was a cur, and tells you
currish thanks is good enough for such a present.

PROTEUSBut she received my dog?

LAUNCENo, indeed, did she not: here have I brought him
back again.

PROTEUSWhat, didst thou offer her this from me?

LAUNCEAy, sir: the other squirrel was stolen from me by
the hangman boys in the market-place: and then I
offered her mine own, who is a dog as big as ten of
yours, and therefore the gift the greater.

PROTEUSGo get thee hence, and find my dog again,
Or ne'er return again into my sight.
Away, I say! stay'st thou to vex me here?

[Exit LAUNCE]

A slave, that still an end turns me to shame!
Sebastian, I have entertained thee,
Partly that I have need of such a youth
That can with some discretion do my business,
For 'tis no trusting to yond foolish lout,
But chiefly for thy face and thy behavior,
Which, if my augury deceive me not,
Witness good bringing up, fortune and truth:
Therefore know thou, for this I entertain thee.
Go presently and take this ring with thee,
Deliver it to Madam Silvia:
She loved me well deliver'd it to me.

JULIAIt seems you loved not her, to leave her token.
She is dead, belike?

PROTEUSNot so; I think she lives.

JULIAAlas!

PROTEUSWhy dost thou cry 'alas'?

JULIAI cannot choose
But pity her.

PROTEUS Wherefore shouldst thou pity her?

JULIABecause methinks that she loved you as well
As you do love your lady Silvia:
She dreams of him that has forgot her love;
You dote on her that cares not for your love.
'Tis pity love should be so contrary;
And thinking of it makes me cry 'alas!'

PROTEUSWell, give her that ring and therewithal
This letter. That's her chamber. Tell my lady
I claim the promise for her heavenly picture.
Your message done, hie home unto my chamber,
Where thou shalt find me, sad and solitary.

[Exit]

JULIAHow many women would do such a message?
Alas, poor Proteus! thou hast entertain'd
A fox to be the shepherd of thy lambs.
Alas, poor fool! why do I pity him
That with his very heart despiseth me?
Because he loves her, he despiseth me;
Because I love him I must pity him.
This ring I gave him when he parted from me,
To bind him to remember my good will;
And now am I, unhappy messenger,
To plead for that which I would not obtain,
To carry that which I would have refused,
To praise his faith which I would have dispraised.
I am my master's true-confirmed love;
But cannot be true servant to my master,
Unless I prove false traitor to myself.
Yet will I woo for him, but yet so coldly
As, heaven it knows, I would not have him speed.

[Enter SILVIA, attended]

Gentlewoman, good day! I pray you, be my mean
To bring me where to speak with Madam Silvia.

SILVIAWhat would you with her, if that I be she?

JULIAIf you be she, I do entreat your patience
To hear me speak the message I am sent on.

SILVIAFrom whom?

JULIAFrom my master, Sir Proteus, madam.

SILVIAO, he sends you for a picture.

JULIAAy, madam.

SILVIAUrsula, bring my picture here.
Go give your master this: tell him from me,
One Julia, that his changing thoughts forget,
Would better fit his chamber than this shadow.

JULIAMadam, please you peruse this letter.--
Pardon me, madam; I have unadvised
Deliver'd you a paper that I should not:
This is the letter to your ladyship.

SILVIAI pray thee, let me look on that again.

JULIAIt may not be; good madam, pardon me.

SILVIAThere, hold!
I will not look upon your master's lines:
I know they are stuff'd with protestations
And full of new-found oaths; which he will break
As easily as I do tear his paper.

JULIAMadam, he sends your ladyship this ring.

SILVIAThe more shame for him that he sends it me;
For I have heard him say a thousand times
His Julia gave it him at his departure.
Though his false finger have profaned the ring,
Mine shall not do his Julia so much wrong.

JULIAShe thanks you.

SILVIAWhat say'st thou?

JULIAI thank you, madam, that you tender her.
Poor gentlewoman! my master wrongs her much.

SILVIADost thou know her?

JULIAAlmost as well as I do know myself:
To think upon her woes I do protest
That I have wept a hundred several times.

SILVIABelike she thinks that Proteus hath forsook her.

JULIAI think she doth; and that's her cause of sorrow.

SILVIAIs she not passing fair?

JULIAShe hath been fairer, madam, than she is:
When she did think my master loved her well,
She, in my judgment, was as fair as you:
But since she did neglect her looking-glass
And threw her sun-expelling mask away,
The air hath starved the roses in her cheeks
And pinch'd the lily-tincture of her face,
That now she is become as black as I.

SILVIAHow tall was she?

JULIAAbout my stature; for at Pentecost,
When all our pageants of delight were play'd,
Our youth got me to play the woman's part,
And I was trimm'd in Madam Julia's gown,
Which served me as fit, by all men's judgments,
As if the garment had been made for me:
Therefore I know she is about my height.
And at that time I made her weep agood,
For I did play a lamentable part:
Madam, 'twas Ariadne passioning
For Theseus' perjury and unjust flight;
Which I so lively acted with my tears
That my poor mistress, moved therewithal,
Wept bitterly; and would I might be dead
If I in thought felt not her very sorrow!

SILVIAShe is beholding to thee, gentle youth.
Alas, poor lady, desolate and left!
I weep myself to think upon thy words.
Here, youth, there is my purse; I give thee this
For thy sweet mistress' sake, because thou lovest her.
Farewell.

[Exit SILVIA, with attendants]

JULIAAnd she shall thank you for't, if e'er you know her.
A virtuous gentlewoman, mild and beautiful
I hope my master's suit will be but cold,
Since she respects my mistress' love so much.
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Here is her picture: let me see; I think,
If I had such a tire, this face of mine
Were full as lovely as is this of hers:
And yet the painter flatter'd her a little,
Unless I flatter with myself too much.
Her hair is auburn, mine is perfect yellow:
If that be all the difference in his love,
I'll get me such a colour'd periwig.
Her eyes are grey as glass, and so are mine:
Ay, but her forehead's low, and mine's as high.
What should it be that he respects in her
But I can make respective in myself,
If this fond Love were not a blinded god?
Come, shadow, come and take this shadow up,
For 'tis thy rival. O thou senseless form,
Thou shalt be worshipp'd, kiss'd, loved and adored!
And, were there sense in his idolatry,
My substance should be statue in thy stead.
I'll use thee kindly for thy mistress' sake,
That used me so; or else, by Jove I vow,
I should have scratch'd out your unseeing eyes
To make my master out of love with thee!

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IMilan. An abbey.


[Enter EGLAMOUR]

EGLAMOURThe sun begins to gild the western sky;
And now it is about the very hour
That Silvia, at Friar Patrick's cell, should meet me.
She will not fail, for lovers break not hours,
Unless it be to come before their time;
So much they spur their expedition.
See where she comes.

[Enter SILVIA]

Lady, a happy evening!

SILVIAAmen, amen! Go on, good Eglamour,
Out at the postern by the abbey-wall:
I fear I am attended by some spies.

EGLAMOURFear not: the forest is not three leagues off;
If we recover that, we are sure enough.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IIThe same. The DUKE's palace.


[Enter THURIO, PROTEUS, and JULIA]

THURIOSir Proteus, what says Silvia to my suit?

PROTEUSO, sir, I find her milder than she was;
And yet she takes exceptions at your person.

THURIOWhat, that my leg is too long?

PROTEUSNo; that it is too little.

THURIOI'll wear a boot, to make it somewhat rounder.

JULIA[Aside] But love will not be spurr'd to what
it loathes.

THURIOWhat says she to my face?

PROTEUSShe says it is a fair one.

THURIONay then, the wanton lies; my face is black.

PROTEUSBut pearls are fair; and the old saying is,
Black men are pearls in beauteous ladies' eyes.

JULIA[Aside] 'Tis true; such pearls as put out
ladies' eyes;
For I had rather wink than look on them.

THURIOHow likes she my discourse?

PROTEUSIll, when you talk of war.

THURIOBut well, when I discourse of love and peace?

JULIA[Aside] But better, indeed, when you hold your peace.

THURIOWhat says she to my valour?

PROTEUSO, sir, she makes no doubt of that.

JULIA[Aside] She needs not, when she knows it cowardice.

THURIOWhat says she to my birth?

PROTEUSThat you are well derived.

JULIA[Aside] True; from a gentleman to a fool.

THURIOConsiders she my possessions?

PROTEUSO, ay; and pities them.

THURIOWherefore?

JULIA[Aside] That such an ass should owe them.

PROTEUSThat they are out by lease.

JULIAHere comes the duke.

[Enter DUKE]

DUKEHow now, Sir Proteus! how now, Thurio!
Which of you saw Sir Eglamour of late?

THURIONot I.

PROTEUS Nor I.

DUKE Saw you my daughter?

PROTEUSNeither.

DUKEWhy then,
She's fled unto that peasant Valentine;
And Eglamour is in her company.
'Tis true; for Friar Laurence met them both,
As he in penance wander'd through the forest;
Him he knew well, and guess'd that it was she,
But, being mask'd, he was not sure of it;
Besides, she did intend confession
At Patrick's cell this even; and there she was not;
These likelihoods confirm her flight from hence.
Therefore, I pray you, stand not to discourse,
But mount you presently and meet with me
Upon the rising of the mountain-foot
That leads towards Mantua, whither they are fled:
Dispatch, sweet gentlemen, and follow me.

[Exit]

THURIOWhy, this it is to be a peevish girl,
That flies her fortune when it follows her.
I'll after, more to be revenged on Eglamour
Than for the love of reckless Silvia.

[Exit]

PROTEUSAnd I will follow, more for Silvia's love
Than hate of Eglamour that goes with her.

[Exit]

JULIAAnd I will follow, more to cross that love
Than hate for Silvia that is gone for love.

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IIIThe frontiers of Mantua. The forest.


[Enter Outlaws with SILVIA]

First OutlawCome, come,
Be patient; we must bring you to our captain.

SILVIAA thousand more mischances than this one
Have learn'd me how to brook this patiently.

Second OutlawCome, bring her away.

First OutlawWhere is the gentleman that was with her?

Third OutlawBeing nimble-footed, he hath outrun us,
But Moyses and Valerius follow him.
Go thou with her to the west end of the wood;
There is our captain: we'll follow him that's fled;
The thicket is beset; he cannot 'scape.

First OutlawCome, I must bring you to our captain's cave:
Fear not; he bears an honourable mind,
And will not use a woman lawlessly.

SILVIAO Valentine, this I endure for thee!

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IVAnother part of the forest.


[Enter VALENTINE]

VALENTINEHow use doth breed a habit in a man!
This shadowy desert, unfrequented woods,
I better brook than flourishing peopled towns:
Here can I sit alone, unseen of any,
And to the nightingale's complaining notes
Tune my distresses and record my woes.
O thou that dost inhabit in my breast,
Leave not the mansion so long tenantless,
Lest, growing ruinous, the building fall
And leave no memory of what it was!
Repair me with thy presence, Silvia;
Thou gentle nymph, cherish thy forlorn swain!
What halloing and what stir is this to-day?
These are my mates, that make their wills their law,
Have some unhappy passenger in chase.
They love me well; yet I have much to do
To keep them from uncivil outrages.
Withdraw thee, Valentine: who's this comes here?

[Enter PROTEUS, SILVIA, and JULIA]

PROTEUSMadam, this service I have done for you,
Though you respect not aught your servant doth,
To hazard life and rescue you from him
That would have forced your honour and your love;
Vouchsafe me, for my meed, but one fair look;
A smaller boon than this I cannot beg
And less than this, I am sure, you cannot give.

VALENTINE[Aside] How like a dream is this I see and hear!
Love, lend me patience to forbear awhile.

SILVIAO miserable, unhappy that I am!

PROTEUSUnhappy were you, madam, ere I came;
But by my coming I have made you happy.

SILVIABy thy approach thou makest me most unhappy.

JULIA[Aside] And me, when he approacheth to your presence.

SILVIAHad I been seized by a hungry lion,
I would have been a breakfast to the beast,
Rather than have false Proteus rescue me.
O, Heaven be judge how I love Valentine,
Whose life's as tender to me as my soul!
And full as much, for more there cannot be,
I do detest false perjured Proteus.
Therefore be gone; solicit me no more.

PROTEUSWhat dangerous action, stood it next to death,
Would I not undergo for one calm look!
O, 'tis the curse in love, and still approved,
When women cannot love where they're beloved!

SILVIAWhen Proteus cannot love where he's beloved.
Read over Julia's heart, thy first best love,
For whose dear sake thou didst then rend thy faith
Into a thousand oaths; and all those oaths
Descended into perjury, to love me.
Thou hast no faith left now, unless thou'dst two;
And that's far worse than none; better have none
Than plural faith which is too much by one:
Thou counterfeit to thy true friend!

PROTEUSIn love
Who respects friend?

SILVIAAll men but Proteus.

PROTEUSNay, if the gentle spirit of moving words
Can no way change you to a milder form,
I'll woo you like a soldier, at arms' end,
And love you 'gainst the nature of love,--force ye.

SILVIAO heaven!

PROTEUS I'll force thee yield to my desire.

VALENTINERuffian, let go that rude uncivil touch,
Thou friend of an ill fashion!

PROTEUSValentine!

VALENTINEThou common friend, that's without faith or love,
For such is a friend now; treacherous man!
Thou hast beguiled my hopes; nought but mine eye
Could have persuaded me: now I dare not say
I have one friend alive; thou wouldst disprove me.
Who should be trusted, when one's own right hand
Is perjured to the bosom? Proteus,
I am sorry I must never trust thee more,
But count the world a stranger for thy sake.
The private wound is deepest: O time most accurst,
'Mongst all foes that a friend should be the worst!

PROTEUSMy shame and guilt confounds me.
Forgive me, Valentine: if hearty sorrow
Be a sufficient ransom for offence,
I tender 't here; I do as truly suffer
As e'er I did commit.

VALENTINEThen I am paid;
And once again I do receive thee honest.
Who by repentance is not satisfied
Is nor of heaven nor earth, for these are pleased.
By penitence the Eternal's wrath's appeased:
And, that my love may appear plain and free,
All that was mine in Silvia I give thee.

JULIAO me unhappy!

[Swoons]

PROTEUSLook to the boy.

VALENTINEWhy, boy! why, wag! how now! what's the matter?
Look up; speak.

JULIAO good sir, my master charged me to deliver a ring
to Madam Silvia, which, out of my neglect, was never done.

PROTEUSWhere is that ring, boy?

JULIAHere 'tis; this is it.

PROTEUSHow! let me see:
Why, this is the ring I gave to Julia.

JULIAO, cry you mercy, sir, I have mistook:
This is the ring you sent to Silvia.

PROTEUSBut how camest thou by this ring? At my depart
I gave this unto Julia.

JULIAAnd Julia herself did give it me;
And Julia herself hath brought it hither.

PROTEUSHow! Julia!

JULIABehold her that gave aim to all thy oaths,
And entertain'd 'em deeply in her heart.
How oft hast thou with perjury cleft the root!
O Proteus, let this habit make thee blush!
Be thou ashamed that I have took upon me
Such an immodest raiment, if shame live
In a disguise of love:
It is the lesser blot, modesty finds,
Women to change their shapes than men their minds.

PROTEUSThan men their minds! 'tis true.
O heaven! were man
But constant, he were perfect. That one error
Fills him with faults; makes him run through all the sins:
Inconstancy falls off ere it begins.
What is in Silvia's face, but I may spy
More fresh in Julia's with a constant eye?

VALENTINECome, come, a hand from either:
Let me be blest to make this happy close;
'Twere pity two such friends should be long foes.

PROTEUSBear witness, Heaven, I have my wish for ever.

JULIAAnd I mine.

[Enter Outlaws, with DUKE and THURIO]

OutlawsA prize, a prize, a prize!

VALENTINEForbear, forbear, I say! it is my lord the duke.
Your grace is welcome to a man disgraced,
Banished Valentine.

DUKESir Valentine!

THURIOYonder is Silvia; and Silvia's mine.

VALENTINEThurio, give back, or else embrace thy death;
Come not within the measure of my wrath;
Do not name Silvia thine; if once again,
Verona shall not hold thee. Here she stands;
Take but possession of her with a touch:
I dare thee but to breathe upon my love.

THURIOSir Valentine, I care not for her, I;
I hold him but a fool that will endanger
His body for a girl that loves him not:
I claim her not, and therefore she is thine.

DUKEThe more degenerate and base art thou,
To make such means for her as thou hast done
And leave her on such slight conditions.
Now, by the honour of my ancestry,
I do applaud thy spirit, Valentine,
And think thee worthy of an empress' love:
Know then, I here forget all former griefs,
Cancel all grudge, repeal thee home again,
Plead a new state in thy unrivall'd merit,
To which I thus subscribe: Sir Valentine,
Thou art a gentleman and well derived;
Take thou thy Silvia, for thou hast deserved her.

VALENTINEI thank your grace; the gift hath made me happy.
I now beseech you, for your daughter's sake,
To grant one boom that I shall ask of you.

DUKEI grant it, for thine own, whate'er it be.

VALENTINEThese banish'd men that I have kept withal
Are men endued with worthy qualities:
Forgive them what they have committed here
And let them be recall'd from their exile:
They are reformed, civil, full of good
And fit for great employment, worthy lord.

DUKEThou hast prevail'd; I pardon them and thee:
Dispose of them as thou know'st their deserts.
Come, let us go: we will include all jars
With triumphs, mirth and rare solemnity.

VALENTINEAnd, as we walk along, I dare be bold
With our discourse to make your grace to smile.
What think you of this page, my lord?

DUKEI think the boy hath grace in him; he blushes.

VALENTINEI warrant you, my lord, more grace than boy.

DUKEWhat mean you by that saying?

VALENTINEPlease you, I'll tell you as we pass along,
That you will wonder what hath fortuned.
Come, Proteus; 'tis your penance but to hear
The story of your loves discovered:
That done, our day of marriage shall be yours;
One feast, one house, one mutual happiness.

[Exeunt]
posted by bigmusic at 1:13 AM on June 19, 2006 [2 favorites]


[vivid mental image]

Just doing my part, Comrades!
posted by SteelyDuran at 1:13 AM on June 19, 2006


wit, and more faults
than hairs, and more wealth than faults.'

LAUNCEStop there; I'll have her: she was mine, and not
mine, twice or thrice in that last article.
Rehearse that once more.

SPEED'Item: She hath more hair than wit,'--

LAUNCEMore hair than wit? It may be; I'll prove it. The
cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it
is more than the salt; the hair that covers the wit
is more than the wit, for the greater hides the
less. What's next?

SPEED'And more faults than hairs,'--

LAUNCEThat's monstrous: O, that that were out!

SPEED'And more wealth than faults.'

LAUNCEWhy, that word makes the faults gracious. Well,
I'll have her; and if it be a match, as nothing is
impossible,--

SPEEDWhat then?

LAUNCEWhy, then will I tell thee--that thy master stays
for thee at the North-gate.

SPEEDFor me?

LAUNCEFor thee! ay, who art thou? he hath stayed for a
better man than thee.

SPEEDAnd must I go to him?

LAUNCEThou must run to him, for thou hast stayed so long
that going will scarce serve the turn.

SPEEDWhy didst not tell me sooner? pox of your love letters!

[Exit]

LAUNCENow will he be swinged for reading my letter; an
unmannerly slave, that will thrust himself into
secrets! I'll after, to rejoice in the boy's correction.

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT III



SCENE IIThe same. The DUKE's palace.


[Enter DUKE and THURIO]

DUKESir Thurio, fear not but that she will love you,
Now Valentine is banish'd from her sight.

THURIOSince his exile she hath despised me most,
Forsworn my company and rail'd at me,
That I am desperate of obtaining her.

DUKEThis weak impress of love is as a figure
Trenched in ice, which with an hour's heat
Dissolves to water and doth lose his form.
A little time will melt her frozen thoughts
And worthless Valentine shall be forgot.

[Enter PROTEUS]

How now, Sir Proteus! Is your countryman
According to our proclamation gone?

PROTEUSGone, my good lord.

DUKEMy daughter takes his going grievously.

PROTEUSA little time, my lord, will kill that grief.

DUKESo I believe; but Thurio thinks not so.
Proteus, the good conceit I hold of thee--
For thou hast shown some sign of good desert--
Makes me the better to confer with thee.

PROTEUSLonger than I prove loyal to your grace
Let me not live to look upon your grace.

DUKEThou know'st how willingly I would effect
The match between Sir Thurio and my daughter.

PROTEUSI do, my lord.

DUKEAnd also, I think, thou art not ignorant
How she opposes her against my will

PROTEUSShe did, my lord, when Valentine was here.

DUKEAy, and perversely she persevers so.
What might we do to make the girl forget
The love of Valentine and love Sir Thurio?

PROTEUSThe best way is to slander Valentine
With falsehood, cowardice and poor descent,
Three things that women highly hold in hate.

DUKEAy, but she'll think that it is spoke in hate.

PROTEUSAy, if his enemy deliver it:
Therefore it must with circumstance be spoken
By one whom she esteemeth as his friend.

DUKEThen you must undertake to slander him.

PROTEUSAnd that, my lord, I shall be loath to do:
'Tis an ill office for a gentleman,
Especially against his very friend.

DUKEWhere your good word cannot advantage him,
Your slander never can endamage him;
Therefore the office is indifferent,
Being entreated to it by your friend.

PROTEUSYou have prevail'd, my lord; if I can do it
By ought that I can speak in his dispraise,
She shall not long continue love to him.
But say this weed her love from Valentine,
It follows not that she will love Sir Thurio.

THURIOTherefore, as you unwind her love from him,
Lest it should ravel and be good to none,
You must provide to bottom it on me;
Which must be done by praising me as much
As you in worth dispraise Sir Valentine.

DUKEAnd, Proteus, we dare trust you in this kind,
Because we know, on Valentine's report,
You are already Love's firm votary
And cannot soon revolt and change your mind.
Upon this warrant shall you have access
Where you with Silvia may confer at large;
For she is lumpish, heavy, melancholy,
And, for your friend's sake, will be glad of you;
Where you may temper her by your persuasion
To hate young Valentine and love my friend.

PROTEUSAs much as I can do, I will effect:
But you, Sir Thurio, are not sharp enough;
You must lay lime to tangle her desires
By wailful sonnets, whose composed rhymes
Should be full-fraught with serviceable vows.

DUKEAy,
Much is the force of heaven-bred poesy.

PROTEUSSay that upon the altar of her beauty
You sacrifice your tears, your sighs, your heart:
Write till your ink be dry, and with your tears
Moist it again, and frame some feeling line
That may discover such integrity:
For Orpheus' lute was strung with poets' sinews,
Whose golden touch could soften steel and stones,
Make tigers tame and huge leviathans
Forsake unsounded deeps to dance on sands.
After your dire-lamenting elegies,
Visit by night your lady's chamber-window
With some sweet concert; to their instruments
Tune a deploring dump: the night's dead silence
Will well become such sweet-complaining grievance.
This, or else nothing, will inherit her.

DUKEThis discipline shows thou hast been in love.

THURIOAnd thy advice this night I'll put in practise.
Therefore, sweet Proteus, my direction-giver,
Let us into the city presently
To sort some gentlemen well skill'd in music.
I have a sonnet that will serve the turn
To give the onset to thy good advice.

DUKEAbout it, gentlemen!

PROTEUSWe'll wait upon your grace till after supper,
And afterward determine our proceedings.

DUKEEven now about it! I will pardon you.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IThe frontiers of Mantua. A forest.


[Enter certain Outlaws]

First OutlawFellows, stand fast; I see a passenger.

Second OutlawIf there be ten, shrink not, but down with 'em.

[Enter VALENTINE and SPEED]

Third OutlawStand, sir, and throw us that you have about ye:
If not: we'll make you sit and rifle you.

SPEEDSir, we are undone; these are the villains
That all the travellers do fear so much.

VALENTINEMy friends,--

First OutlawThat's not so, sir: we are your enemies.

Second OutlawPeace! we'll hear him.

Third OutlawAy, by my beard, will we, for he's a proper man.

VALENTINEThen know that I have little wealth to lose:
A man I am cross'd with adversity;
My riches are these poor habiliments,
Of which if you should here disfurnish me,
You take the sum and substance that I have.

Second OutlawWhither travel you?

VALENTINETo Verona.

First OutlawWhence came you?

VALENTINEFrom Milan.

Third OutlawHave you long sojourned there?

VALENTINESome sixteen months, and longer might have stay'd,
If crooked fortune had not thwarted me.

First OutlawWhat, were you banish'd thence?

VALENTINEI was.

Second OutlawFor what offence?

VALENTINEFor that which now torments me to rehearse:
I kill'd a man, whose death I much repent;
But yet I slew him manfully in fight,
Without false vantage or base treachery.

First OutlawWhy, ne'er repent it, if it were done so.
But were you banish'd for so small a fault?

VALENTINEI was, and held me glad of such a doom.

Second OutlawHave you the tongues?

VALENTINEMy youthful travel therein made me happy,
Or else I often had been miserable.

Third OutlawBy the bare scalp of Robin Hood's fat friar,
This fellow were a king for our wild faction!

First OutlawWe'll have him. Sirs, a word.

SPEEDMaster, be one of them; it's an honourable kind of thievery.

VALENTINEPeace, villain!

Second OutlawTell us this: have you any thing to take to?

VALENTINENothing but my fortune.

Third OutlawKnow, then, that some of us are gentlemen,
Such as the fury of ungovern'd youth
Thrust from the company of awful men:
Myself was from Verona banished
For practising to steal away a lady,
An heir, and near allied unto the duke.

Second OutlawAnd I from Mantua, for a gentleman,
Who, in my mood, I stabb'd unto the heart.

First OutlawAnd I for such like petty crimes as these,
But to the purpose--for we cite our faults,
That they may hold excus'd our lawless lives;
And partly, seeing you are beautified
With goodly shape and by your own report
A linguist and a man of such perfection
As we do in our quality much want--

Second OutlawIndeed, because you are a banish'd man,
Therefore, above the rest, we parley to you:
Are you content to be our general?
To make a virtue of necessity
And live, as we do, in this wilderness?

Third OutlawWhat say'st thou? wilt thou be of our consort?
Say ay, and be the captain of us all:
We'll do thee homage and be ruled by thee,
Love thee as our commander and our king.

First OutlawBut if thou scorn our courtesy, thou diest.

Second OutlawThou shalt not live to brag what we have offer'd.

VALENTINEI take your offer and will live with you,
Provided that you do no outrages
On silly women or poor passengers.

Third OutlawNo, we detest such vile base practises.
Come, go with us, we'll bring thee to our crews,
And show thee all the treasure we have got,
Which, with ourselves, all rest at thy dispose.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IIMilan. Outside the DUKE's palace, under SILVIA's chamber.


[Enter PROTEUS]

PROTEUSAlready have I been false to Valentine
And now I must be as unjust to Thurio.
Under the colour of commending him,
I have access my own love to prefer:
But Silvia is too fair, too true, too holy,
To be corrupted with my worthless gifts.
When I protest true loyalty to her,
She twits me with my falsehood to my friend;
When to her beauty I commend my vows,
She bids me think how I have been forsworn
In breaking faith with Julia whom I loved:
And notwithstanding all her sudden quips,
The least whereof would quell a lover's hope,
Yet, spaniel-like, the more she spurns my love,
The more it grows and fawneth on her still.
But here comes Thurio: now must we to her window,
And give some evening music to her ear.

[Enter THURIO and Musicians]

THURIOHow now, Sir Proteus, are you crept before us?

PROTEUSAy, gentle Thurio: for you know that love
Will creep in service where it cannot go.

THURIOAy, but I hope, sir, that you love not here.

PROTEUSSir, but I do; or else I would be hence.

THURIOWho? Silvia?

PROTEUS Ay, Silvia; for your sake.

THURIOI thank you for your own. Now, gentlemen,
Let's tune, and to it lustily awhile.

[Enter, at a distance, Host, and JULIA in boy's clothes]

HostNow, my young guest, methinks you're allycholly: I
pray you, why is it?

JULIAMarry, mine host, because I cannot be merry.

HostCome, we'll have you merry: I'll bring you where
you shall hear music and see the gentleman that you asked for.

JULIABut shall I hear him speak?

HostAy, that you shall.

JULIAThat will be music.

[Music plays]

HostHark, hark!

JULIAIs he among these?

HostAy: but, peace! let's hear 'em.

SONG.
Who is Silvia? what is she,
That all our swains commend her?
Holy, fair and wise is she;
The heaven such grace did lend her,
That she might admired be.

Is she kind as she is fair?
For beauty lives with kindness.
Love doth to her eyes repair,
To help him of his blindness,
And, being help'd, inhabits there.

Then to Silvia let us sing,
That Silvia is excelling;
She excels each mortal thing
Upon the dull earth dwelling:
To her let us garlands bring.

HostHow now! are you sadder than you were before? How
do you, man? the music likes you not.

JULIAYou mistake; the musician likes me not.

HostWhy, my pretty youth?

JULIAHe plays false, father.

HostHow? out of tune on the strings?

JULIANot so; but yet so false that he grieves my very
heart-strings.

HostYou have a quick ear.

JULIAAy, I would I were deaf; it makes me have a slow heart.

HostI perceive you delight not in music.

JULIANot a whit, when it jars so.

HostHark, what fine change is in the music!

JULIAAy, that change is the spite.

HostYou would have them always play but one thing?

JULIAI would always have one play but one thing.
But, host, doth this Sir Proteus that we talk on
Often resort unto this gentlewoman?

HostI tell you what Launce, his man, told me: he loved
her out of all nick.

JULIAWhere is Launce?

HostGone to seek his dog; which tomorrow, by his
master's command, he must carry for a present to his lady.

JULIAPeace! stand aside: the company parts.

PROTEUSSir Thurio, fear not you: I will so plead
That you shall say my cunning drift excels.

THURIOWhere meet we?

PROTEUS At Saint Gregory's well.

THURIOFarewell.

[Exeunt THURIO and Musicians]

[Enter SILVIA above]

PROTEUSMadam, good even to your ladyship.

SILVIAI thank you for your music, gentlemen.
Who is that that spake?

PROTEUSOne, lady, if you knew his pure heart's truth,
You would quickly learn to know him by his voice.

SILVIASir Proteus, as I take it.

PROTEUSSir Proteus, gentle lady, and your servant.

SILVIAWhat's your will?

PROTEUS That I may compass yours.

SILVIAYou have your wish; my will is even this:
That presently you hie you home to bed.
Thou subtle, perjured, false, disloyal man!
Think'st thou I am so shallow, so conceitless,
To be seduced by thy flattery,
That hast deceived so many with thy vows?
Return, return, and make thy love amends.
For me, by this pale queen of night I swear,
I am so far from granting thy request
That I despise thee for thy wrongful suit,
And by and by intend to chide myself
Even for this time I spend in talking to thee.

PROTEUSI grant, sweet love, that I did love a lady;
But she is dead.

JULIA[Aside] 'Twere false, if I should speak it;
For I am sure she is not buried.

SILVIASay that she be; yet Valentine thy friend
Survives; to whom, thyself art witness,
I am betroth'd: and art thou not ashamed
To wrong him with thy importunacy?

PROTEUSI likewise hear that Valentine is dead.

SILVIAAnd so suppose am I; for in his grave
Assure thyself my love is buried.

PROTEUSSweet lady, let me rake it from the earth.

SILVIAGo to thy lady's grave and call hers thence,
Or, at the least, in hers sepulchre thine.

JULIA[Aside] He heard not that.

PROTEUSMadam, if your heart be so obdurate,
Vouchsafe me yet your picture for my love,
The picture that is hanging in your chamber;
To that I'll speak, to that I'll sigh and weep:
For since the substance of your perfect self
Is else devoted, I am but a shadow;
And to your shadow will I make true love.

JULIA[Aside] If 'twere a substance, you would, sure,
deceive it,
And make it but a shadow, as I am.

SILVIAI am very loath to be your idol, sir;
But since your falsehood shall become you well
To worship shadows and adore false shapes,
Send to me in the morning and I'll send it:
And so, good rest.

PROTEUS As wretches have o'ernight
That wait for execution in the morn.

[Exeunt PROTEUS and SILVIA severally]

JULIAHost, will you go?

HostBy my halidom, I was fast asleep.

JULIAPray you, where lies Sir Proteus?

HostMarry, at my house. Trust me, I think 'tis almost
day.

JULIANot so; but it hath been the longest night
That e'er I watch'd and the most heaviest.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IIIThe same.


[Enter EGLAMOUR]

EGLAMOURThis is the hour that Madam Silvia
Entreated me to call and know her mind:
There's some great matter she'ld employ me in.
Madam, madam!

[Enter SILVIA above]

SILVIA Who calls?

EGLAMOURYour servant and your friend;
One that attends your ladyship's command.

SILVIASir Eglamour, a thousand times good morrow.

EGLAMOURAs many, worthy lady, to yourself:
According to your ladyship's impose,
I am thus early come to know what service
It is your pleasure to command me in.

SILVIAO Eglamour, thou art a gentleman--
Think not I flatter, for I swear I do not--
Valiant, wise, remorseful, well accomplish'd:
Thou art not ignorant what dear good will
I bear unto the banish'd Valentine,
Nor how my father would enforce me marry
Vain Thurio, whom my very soul abhors.
Thyself hast loved; and I have heard thee say
No grief did ever come so near thy heart
As when thy lady and thy true love died,
Upon whose grave thou vow'dst pure chastity.
Sir Eglamour, I would to Valentine,
To Mantua, where I hear he makes abode;
And, for the ways are dangerous to pass,
I do desire thy worthy company,
Upon whose faith and honour I repose.
Urge not my father's anger, Eglamour,
But think upon my grief, a lady's grief,
And on the justice of my flying hence,
To keep me from a most unholy match,
Which heaven and fortune still rewards with plagues.
I do desire thee, even from a heart
As full of sorrows as the sea of sands,
To bear me company and go with me:
If not, to hide what I have said to thee,
That I may venture to depart alone.

EGLAMOURMadam, I pity much your grievances;
Which since I know they virtuously are placed,
I give consent to go along with you,
Recking as little what betideth me
As much I wish all good befortune you.
When will you go?

SILVIA This evening coming.

EGLAMOURWhere shall I meet you?

SILVIAAt Friar Patrick's cell,
Where I intend holy confession.

EGLAMOURI will not fail your ladyship. Good morrow, gentle lady.

SILVIAGood morrow, kind Sir Eglamour.

[Exeunt severally]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT IV



SCENE IVThe same.


[Enter LAUNCE, with his his Dog]

LAUNCEWhen a man's servant shall play the cur with him,
look you, it goes hard: one that I brought up of a
puppy; one that I saved from drowning, when three or
four of his blind brothers and sisters went to it.
I have taught him, even as one would say precisely,
'thus I would teach a dog.' I was sent to deliver
him as a present to Mistress Silvia from my master;
and I came no sooner into the dining-chamber but he
steps me to her trencher and steals her capon's leg:
O, 'tis a foul thing when a cur cannot keep himself
in all companies! I would have, as one should say,
one that takes upon him to be a dog indeed, to be,
as it were, a dog at all things. If I had not had
more wit than he, to take a fault upon me that he did,
I think verily he had been hanged for't; sure as I
live, he had suffered for't; you shall judge. He
thrusts me himself into the company of three or four
gentlemanlike dogs under the duke's table: he had
not been there--bless the mark!--a pissing while, but
all the chamber smelt him. 'Out with the dog!' says
one: 'What cur is that?' says another: 'Whip him
out' says the third: 'Hang him up' says the duke.
I, having been acquainted with the smell before,
knew it was Crab, and goes me to the fellow that
whips the dogs: 'Friend,' quoth I, 'you mean to whip
the dog?' 'Ay, marry, do I,' quoth he. 'You do him
the more wrong,' quoth I; 'twas I did the thing you
wot of.' He makes me no more ado, but whips me out
of the chamber. How many masters would do this for
his servant? Nay, I'll be sworn, I have sat in the
stocks for puddings he hath stolen, otherwise he had
been executed; I have stood on the pillory for geese
he hath killed, otherwise he had suffered for't.
Thou thinkest not of this now. Nay, I remember the
trick you served me when I took my leave of Madam
Silvia: did not I bid thee still mark me and do as I
do? when didst thou see me heave up my leg and make
water against a gentlewoman's farthingale? didst
thou ever see me do such a trick?

[Enter PROTEUS and JULIA]

PROTEUSSebastian is thy name? I like thee well
And will employ thee in some service presently.

JULIAIn what you please: I'll do what I can.

PROTEUSI hope thou wilt.

[To LAUNCE]

How now, you whoreson peasant!
Where have you been these two days loitering?

LAUNCEMarry, sir, I carried Mistress Silvia the dog you bade me.

PROTEUSAnd what says she to my little jewel?

LAUNCEMarry, she says your dog was a cur, and tells you
currish thanks is good enough for such a present.

PROTEUSBut she received my dog?

LAUNCENo, indeed, did she not: here have I brought him
back again.

PROTEUSWhat, didst thou offer her this from me?

LAUNCEAy, sir: the other squirrel was stolen from me by
the hangman boys in the market-place: and then I
offered her mine own, who is a dog as big as ten of
yours, and therefore the gift the greater.

PROTEUSGo get thee hence, and find my dog again,
Or ne'er return again into my sight.
Away, I say! stay'st thou to vex me here?

[Exit LAUNCE]

A slave, that still an end turns me to shame!
Sebastian, I have entertained thee,
Partly that I have need of such a youth
That can with some discretion do my business,
For 'tis no trusting to yond foolish lout,
But chiefly for thy face and thy behavior,
Which, if my augury deceive me not,
Witness good bringing up, fortune and truth:
Therefore know thou, for this I entertain thee.
Go presently and take this ring with thee,
Deliver it to Madam Silvia:
She loved me well deliver'd it to me.

JULIAIt seems you loved not her, to leave her token.
She is dead, belike?

PROTEUSNot so; I think she lives.

JULIAAlas!

PROTEUSWhy dost thou cry 'alas'?

JULIAI cannot choose
But pity her.

PROTEUS Wherefore shouldst thou pity her?

JULIABecause methinks that she loved you as well
As you do love your lady Silvia:
She dreams of him that has forgot her love;
You dote on her that cares not for your love.
'Tis pity love should be so contrary;
And thinking of it makes me cry 'alas!'

PROTEUSWell, give her that ring and therewithal
This letter. That's her chamber. Tell my lady
I claim the promise for her heavenly picture.
Your message done, hie home unto my chamber,
Where thou shalt find me, sad and solitary.

[Exit]

JULIAHow many women would do such a message?
Alas, poor Proteus! thou hast entertain'd
A fox to be the shepherd of thy lambs.
Alas, poor fool! why do I pity him
That with his very heart despiseth me?
Because he loves her, he despiseth me;
Because I love him I must pity him.
This ring I gave him when he parted from me,
To bind him to remember my good will;
And now am I, unhappy messenger,
To plead for that which I would not obtain,
To carry that which I would have refused,
To praise his faith which I would have dispraised.
I am my master's true-confirmed love;
But cannot be true servant to my master,
Unless I prove false traitor to myself.
Yet will I woo for him, but yet so coldly
As, heaven it knows, I would not have him speed.

[Enter SILVIA, attended]

Gentlewoman, good day! I pray you, be my mean
To bring me where to speak with Madam Silvia.

SILVIAWhat would you with her, if that I be she?

JULIAIf you be she, I do entreat your patience
To hear me speak the message I am sent on.

SILVIAFrom whom?

JULIAFrom my master, Sir Proteus, madam.

SILVIAO, he sends you for a picture.

JULIAAy, madam.

SILVIAUrsula, bring my picture here.
Go give your master this: tell him from me,
One Julia, that his changing thoughts forget,
Would better fit his chamber than this shadow.

JULIAMadam, please you peruse this letter.--
Pardon me, madam; I have unadvised
Deliver'd you a paper that I should not:
This is the letter to your ladyship.

SILVIAI pray thee, let me look on that again.

JULIAIt may not be; good madam, pardon me.

SILVIAThere, hold!
I will not look upon your master's lines:
I know they are stuff'd with protestations
And full of new-found oaths; which he will break
As easily as I do tear his paper.

JULIAMadam, he sends your ladyship this ring.

SILVIAThe more shame for him that he sends it me;
For I have heard him say a thousand times
His Julia gave it him at his departure.
Though his false finger have profaned the ring,
Mine shall not do his Julia so much wrong.

JULIAShe thanks you.

SILVIAWhat say'st thou?

JULIAI thank you, madam, that you tender her.
Poor gentlewoman! my master wrongs her much.

SILVIADost thou know her?

JULIAAlmost as well as I do know myself:
To think upon her woes I do protest
That I have wept a hundred several times.

SILVIABelike she thinks that Proteus hath forsook her.

JULIAI think she doth; and that's her cause of sorrow.

SILVIAIs she not passing fair?

JULIAShe hath been fairer, madam, than she is:
When she did think my master loved her well,
She, in my judgment, was as fair as you:
But since she did neglect her looking-glass
And threw her sun-expelling mask away,
The air hath starved the roses in her cheeks
And pinch'd the lily-tincture of her face,
That now she is become as black as I.

SILVIAHow tall was she?

JULIAAbout my stature; for at Pentecost,
When all our pageants of delight were play'd,
Our youth got me to play the woman's part,
And I was trimm'd in Madam Julia's gown,
Which served me as fit, by all men's judgments,
As if the garment had been made for me:
Therefore I know she is about my height.
And at that time I made her weep agood,
For I did play a lamentable part:
Madam, 'twas Ariadne passioning
For Theseus' perjury and unjust flight;
Which I so lively acted with my tears
That my poor mistress, moved therewithal,
Wept bitterly; and would I might be dead
If I in thought felt not her very sorrow!

SILVIAShe is beholding to thee, gentle youth.
Alas, poor lady, desolate and left!
I weep myself to think upon thy words.
Here, youth, there is my purse; I give thee this
For thy sweet mistress' sake, because thou lovest her.
Farewell.

[Exit SILVIA, with attendants]

JULIAAnd she shall thank you for't, if e'er you know her.
A virtuous gentlewoman, mild and beautiful
I hope my master's suit will be but cold,
Since she respects my mistress' love so much.
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Here is her picture: let me see; I think,
If I had such a tire, this face of mine
Were full as lovely as is this of hers:
And yet the painter flatter'd her a little,
Unless I flatter with myself too much.
Her hair is auburn, mine is perfect yellow:
If that be all the difference in his love,
I'll get me such a colour'd periwig.
Her eyes are grey as glass, and so are mine:
Ay, but her forehead's low, and mine's as high.
What should it be that he respects in her
But I can make respective in myself,
If this fond Love were not a blinded god?
Come, shadow, come and take this shadow up,
For 'tis thy rival. O thou senseless form,
Thou shalt be worshipp'd, kiss'd, loved and adored!
And, were there sense in his idolatry,
My substance should be statue in thy stead.
I'll use thee kindly for thy mistress' sake,
That used me so; or else, by Jove I vow,
I should have scratch'd out your unseeing eyes
To make my master out of love with thee!

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IMilan. An abbey.


[Enter EGLAMOUR]

EGLAMOURThe sun begins to gild the western sky;
And now it is about the very hour
That Silvia, at Friar Patrick's cell, should meet me.
She will not fail, for lovers break not hours,
Unless it be to come before their time;
So much they spur their expedition.
See where she comes.

[Enter SILVIA]

Lady, a happy evening!

SILVIAAmen, amen! Go on, good Eglamour,
Out at the postern by the abbey-wall:
I fear I am attended by some spies.

EGLAMOURFear not: the forest is not three leagues off;
If we recover that, we are sure enough.

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IIThe same. The DUKE's palace.


[Enter THURIO, PROTEUS, and JULIA]

THURIOSir Proteus, what says Silvia to my suit?

PROTEUSO, sir, I find her milder than she was;
And yet she takes exceptions at your person.

THURIOWhat, that my leg is too long?

PROTEUSNo; that it is too little.

THURIOI'll wear a boot, to make it somewhat rounder.

JULIA[Aside] But love will not be spurr'd to what
it loathes.

THURIOWhat says she to my face?

PROTEUSShe says it is a fair one.

THURIONay then, the wanton lies; my face is black.

PROTEUSBut pearls are fair; and the old saying is,
Black men are pearls in beauteous ladies' eyes.

JULIA[Aside] 'Tis true; such pearls as put out
ladies' eyes;
For I had rather wink than look on them.

THURIOHow likes she my discourse?

PROTEUSIll, when you talk of war.

THURIOBut well, when I discourse of love and peace?

JULIA[Aside] But better, indeed, when you hold your peace.

THURIOWhat says she to my valour?

PROTEUSO, sir, she makes no doubt of that.

JULIA[Aside] She needs not, when she knows it cowardice.

THURIOWhat says she to my birth?

PROTEUSThat you are well derived.

JULIA[Aside] True; from a gentleman to a fool.

THURIOConsiders she my possessions?

PROTEUSO, ay; and pities them.

THURIOWherefore?

JULIA[Aside] That such an ass should owe them.

PROTEUSThat they are out by lease.

JULIAHere comes the duke.

[Enter DUKE]

DUKEHow now, Sir Proteus! how now, Thurio!
Which of you saw Sir Eglamour of late?

THURIONot I.

PROTEUS Nor I.

DUKE Saw you my daughter?

PROTEUSNeither.

DUKEWhy then,
She's fled unto that peasant Valentine;
And Eglamour is in her company.
'Tis true; for Friar Laurence met them both,
As he in penance wander'd through the forest;
Him he knew well, and guess'd that it was she,
But, being mask'd, he was not sure of it;
Besides, she did intend confession
At Patrick's cell this even; and there she was not;
These likelihoods confirm her flight from hence.
Therefore, I pray you, stand not to discourse,
But mount you presently and meet with me
Upon the rising of the mountain-foot
That leads towards Mantua, whither they are fled:
Dispatch, sweet gentlemen, and follow me.

[Exit]

THURIOWhy, this it is to be a peevish girl,
That flies her fortune when it follows her.
I'll after, more to be revenged on Eglamour
Than for the love of reckless Silvia.

[Exit]

PROTEUSAnd I will follow, more for Silvia's love
Than hate of Eglamour that goes with her.

[Exit]

JULIAAnd I will follow, more to cross that love
Than hate for Silvia that is gone for love.

[Exit]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IIIThe frontiers of Mantua. The forest.


[Enter Outlaws with SILVIA]

First OutlawCome, come,
Be patient; we must bring you to our captain.

SILVIAA thousand more mischances than this one
Have learn'd me how to brook this patiently.

Second OutlawCome, bring her away.

First OutlawWhere is the gentleman that was with her?

Third OutlawBeing nimble-footed, he hath outrun us,
But Moyses and Valerius follow him.
Go thou with her to the west end of the wood;
There is our captain: we'll follow him that's fled;
The thicket is beset; he cannot 'scape.

First OutlawCome, I must bring you to our captain's cave:
Fear not; he bears an honourable mind,
And will not use a woman lawlessly.

SILVIAO Valentine, this I endure for thee!

[Exeunt]




THE TWO GENTLEMEN OF VERONA


ACT V



SCENE IVAnother part of the forest.


[Enter VALENTINE]

VALENTINEHow use doth breed a habit in a man!
This shadowy desert, unfrequented woods,
I better brook than flourishing peopled towns:
Here can I sit alone, unseen of any,
And to the nightingale's complaining notes
Tune my distresses and record my woes.
O thou that dost inhabit in my breast,
Leave not the mansion so long tenantless,
Lest, growing ruinous, the building fall
And leave no memory of what it was!
Repair me with thy presence, Silvia;
Thou gentle nymph, cherish thy forlorn swain!
What halloing and what stir is this to-day?
These are my mates, that make their wills their law,
Have some unhappy passenger in chase.
They love me well; yet I have much to do
To keep them from uncivil outrages.
Withdraw thee, Valentine: who's this comes here?

[Enter PROTEUS, SILVIA, and JULIA]

PROTEUSMadam, this service I have done for you,
Though you respect not aught your servant doth,
To hazard life and rescue you from him
That would have forced your honour and your love;
Vouchsafe me, for my meed, but one fair look;
A smaller boon than this I cannot beg
And less than this, I am sure, you cannot give.

VALENTINE[Aside] How like a dream is this I see and hear!
Love, lend me patience to forbear awhile.

SILVIAO miserable, unhappy that I am!

PROTEUSUnhappy were you, madam, ere I came;
But by my coming I have made you happy.

SILVIABy thy approach thou makest me most unhappy.

JULIA[Aside] And me, when he approacheth to your presence.

SILVIAHad I been seized by a hungry lion,
I would have been a breakfast to the beast,
Rather than have false Proteus rescue me.
O, Heaven be judge how I love Valentine,
Whose life's as tender to me as my soul!
And full as much, for more there cannot be,
I do detest false perjured Proteus.
Therefore be gone; solicit me no more.

PROTEUSWhat dangerous action, stood it next to death,
Would I not undergo for one calm look!
O, 'tis the curse in love, and still approved,
When women cannot love where they're beloved!

SILVIAWhen Proteus cannot love where he's beloved.
Read over Julia's heart, thy first best love,
For whose dear sake thou didst then rend thy faith
Into a thousand oaths; and all those oaths
Descended into perjury, to love me.
Thou hast no faith left now, unless thou'dst two;
And that's far worse than none; better have none
Than plural faith which is too much by one:
Thou counterfeit to thy true friend!

PROTEUSIn love
Who respects friend?

SILVIAAll men but Proteus.

PROTEUSNay, if the gentle spirit of moving words
Can no way change you to a milder form,
I'll woo you like a soldier, at arms' end,
And love you 'gainst the nature of love,--force ye.

SILVIAO heaven!

PROTEUS I'll force thee yield to my desire.

VALENTINERuffian, let go that rude uncivil touch,
Thou friend of an ill fashion!

PROTEUSValentine!

VALENTINEThou common friend, that's without faith or love,
For such is a friend now; treacherous man!
Thou hast beguiled my hopes; nought but mine eye
Could have persuaded me: now I dare not say
I have one friend alive; thou wouldst disprove me.
Who should be trusted, when one's own right hand
Is perjured to the bosom? Proteus,
I am sorry I must never trust thee more,
But count the world a stranger for thy sake.
The private wound is deepest: O time most accurst,
'Mongst all foes that a friend should be the worst!

PROTEUSMy shame and guilt confounds me.
Forgive me, Valentine: if hearty sorrow
Be a sufficient ransom for offence,
I tender 't here; I do as truly suffer
As e'er I did commit.

VALENTINEThen I am paid;
And once again I do receive thee honest.
Who by repentance is not satisfied
Is nor of heaven nor earth, for these are pleased.
By penitence the Eternal's wrath's appeased:
And, that my love may appear plain and free,
All that was mine in Silvia I give thee.

JULIAO me unhappy!

[Swoons]

PROTEUSLook to the boy.

VALENTINEWhy, boy! why, wag! how now! what's the matter?
Look up; speak.

JULIAO good sir, my master charged me to deliver a ring
to Madam Silvia, which, out of my neglect, was never done.

PROTEUSWhere is that ring, boy?

JULIAHere 'tis; this is it.

PROTEUSHow! let me see:
Why, this is the ring I gave to Julia.

JULIAO, cry you mercy, sir, I have mistook:
This is the ring you sent to Silvia.

PROTEUSBut how camest thou by this ring? At my depart
I gave this unto Julia.

JULIAAnd Julia herself did give it me;
And Julia herself hath brought it hither.

PROTEUSHow! Julia!

JULIABehold her that gave aim to all thy oaths,
And entertain'd 'em deeply in her heart.
How oft hast thou with perjury cleft the root!
O Proteus, let this habit make thee blush!
Be thou ashamed that I have took upon me
Such an immodest raiment, if shame live
In a disguise of love:
It is the lesser blot, modesty finds,
Women to change their shapes than men their minds.

PROTEUSThan men their minds! 'tis true.
O heaven! were man
But constant, he were perfect. That one error
Fills him with faults; makes him run through all the sins:
Inconstancy falls off ere it begins.
What is in Silvia's face, but I may spy
More fresh in Julia's with a constant eye?

VALENTINECome, come, a hand from either:
Let me be blest to make this happy close;
'Twere pity two such friends should be long foes.

PROTEUSBear witness, Heaven, I have my wish for ever.

JULIAAnd I mine.

[Enter Outlaws, with DUKE and THURIO]

OutlawsA prize, a prize, a prize!

VALENTINEForbear, forbear, I say! it is my lord the duke.
Your grace is welcome to a man disgraced,
Banished Valentine.

DUKESir Valentine!

THURIOYonder is Silvia; and Silvia's mine.

VALENTINEThurio, give back, or else embrace thy death;
Come not within the measure of my wrath;
Do not name Silvia thine; if once again,
Verona shall not hold thee. Here she stands;
Take but possession of her with a touch:
I dare thee but to breathe upon my love.

THURIOSir Valentine, I care not for her, I;
I hold him but a fool that will endanger
His body for a girl that loves him not:
I claim her not, and therefore she is thine.

DUKEThe more degenerate and base art thou,
To make such means for her as thou hast done
And leave her on such slight conditions.
Now, by the honour of my ancestry,
I do applaud thy spirit, Valentine,
And think thee worthy of an empress' love:
Know then, I here forget all former griefs,
Cancel all grudge, repeal thee home again,
Plead a new state in thy unrivall'd merit,
To which I thus subscribe: Sir Valentine,
Thou art a gentleman and well derived;
Take thou thy Silvia, for thou hast deserved her.

VALENTINEI thank your grace; the gift hath made me happy.
I now beseech you, for your daughter's sake,
To grant one boom that I shall ask of you.

DUKEI grant it, for thine own, whate'er it be.

VALENTINEThese banish'd men that I have kept withal
Are men endued with worthy qualities:
Forgive them what they have committed here
And let them be recall'd from their exile:
They are reformed, civil, full of good
And fit for great employment, worthy lord.

DUKEThou hast prevail'd; I pardon them and thee:
Dispose of them as thou know'st their deserts.
Come, let us go: we will include all jars
With triumphs, mirth and rare solemnity.

VALENTINEAnd, as we walk along, I dare be bold
With our discourse to make your grace to smile.
What think you of this page, my lord?

DUKEI think the boy hath grace in him; he blushes.

VALENTINEI warrant you, my lord, more grace than boy.

DUKEWhat mean you by that saying?

VALENTINEPlease you, I'll tell you as we pass along,
That you will wonder what hath fortuned.
Come, Proteus; 'tis your penance but to hear
The story of your loves discovered:
That done, our day of marriage shall be yours;
One feast, one house, one mutual happiness.

[Exeunt]
posted by bigmusic at 1:14 AM on June 19, 2006


via;
Thou gentle nymph, cherish thy forlorn swain!
What halloing and what stir is this to-day?
These are my mates, that make their wills their law,
Have some unhappy passenger in chase.
They love me well; yet I have much to do
To keep them from uncivil outrages.
Withdraw thee, Valentine: who's this comes here?

[Enter PROTEUS, SILVIA, and JULIA]

PROTEUSMadam, this service I have done for you,
Though you respect not aught your servant doth,
To hazard life and rescue you from him
That would have forced your honour and your love;
Vouchsafe me, for my meed, but one fair look;
A smaller boon than this I cannot beg
And less than this, I am sure, you cannot give.

VALENTINE[Aside] How like a dream is this I see and hear!
Love, lend me patience to forbear awhile.

SILVIAO miserable, unhappy that I am!

PROTEUSUnhappy were you, madam, ere I came;
But by my coming I have made you happy.

SILVIABy thy approach thou makest me most unhappy.

JULIA[Aside] And me, when he approacheth to your presence.

SILVIAHad I been seized by a hungry lion,
I would have been a breakfast to the beast,
Rather than have false Proteus rescue me.
O, Heaven be judge how I love Valentine,
Whose life's as tender to me as my soul!
And full as much, for more there cannot be,
I do detest false perjured Proteus.
Therefore be gone; solicit me no more.

PROTEUSWhat dangerous action, stood it next to death,
Would I not undergo for one calm look!
O, 'tis the curse in love, and still approved,
When women cannot love where they're beloved!

SILVIAWhen Proteus cannot love where he's beloved.
Read over Julia's heart, thy first best love,
For whose dear sake thou didst then rend thy faith
Into a thousand oaths; and all those oaths
Descended into perjury, to love me.
Thou hast no faith left now, unless thou'dst two;
And that's far worse than none; better have none
Than plural faith which is too much by one:
Thou counterfeit to thy true friend!

PROTEUSIn love
Who respects friend?

SILVIAAll men but Proteus.

PROTEUSNay, if the gentle spirit of moving words
Can no way change you to a milder form,
I'll woo you like a soldier, at arms' end,
And love you 'gainst the nature of love,--force ye.

SILVIAO heaven!

PROTEUS I'll force thee yield to my desire.

VALENTINERuffian, let go that rude uncivil touch,
Thou friend of an ill fashion!

PROTEUSValentine!

VALENTINEThou common friend, that's without faith or love,
For such is a friend now; treacherous man!
Thou hast beguiled my hopes; nought but mine eye
Could have persuaded me: now I dare not say
I have one friend alive; thou wouldst disprove me.
Who should be trusted, when one's own right hand
Is perjured to the bosom? Proteus,
I am sorry I must never trust thee more,
But count the world a stranger for thy sake.
The private wound is deepest: O time most accurst,
'Mongst all foes that a friend should be the worst!

PROTEUSMy shame and guilt confounds me.
Forgive me, Valentine: if hearty sorrow
Be a sufficient ransom for offence,
I tender 't here; I do as truly suffer
As e'er I did commit.

VALENTINEThen I am paid;
And once again I do receive thee honest.
Who by repentance is not satisfied
Is nor of heaven nor earth, for these are pleased.
By penitence the Eternal's wrath's appeased:
And, that my love may appear plain and free,
All that was mine in Silvia I give thee.

JULIAO me unhappy!

[Swoons]

PROTEUSLook to the boy.

VALENTINEWhy, boy! why, wag! how now! what's the matter?
Look up; speak.

JULIAO good sir, my master charged me to deliver a ring
to Madam Silvia, which, out of my neglect, was never done.

PROTEUSWhere is that ring, boy?

JULIAHere 'tis; this is it.

PROTEUSHow! let me see:
Why, this is the ring I gave to Julia.

JULIAO, cry you mercy, sir, I have mistook:
This is the ring you sent to Silvia.

PROTEUSBut how camest thou by this ring? At my depart
I gave this unto Julia.

JULIAAnd Julia herself did give it me;
And Julia herself hath brought it hither.

PROTEUSHow! Julia!

JULIABehold her that gave aim to all thy oaths,
And entertain'd 'em deeply in her heart.
How oft hast thou with perjury cleft the root!
O Proteus, let this habit make thee blush!
Be thou ashamed that I have took upon me
Such an immodest raiment, if shame live
In a disguise of love:
It is the lesser blot, modesty finds,
Women to change their shapes than men their minds.

PROTEUSThan men their minds! 'tis true.
O heaven! were man
But constant, he were perfect. That one error
Fills him with faults; makes him run through all the sins:
Inconstancy falls off ere it begins.
What is in Silvia's face, but I may spy
More fresh in Julia's with a constant eye?

VALENTINECome, come, a hand from either:
Let me be blest to make this happy close;
'Twere pity two such friends should be long foes.

PROTEUSBear witness, Heaven, I have my wish for ever.

JULIAAnd I mine.

[Enter Outlaws, with DUKE and THURIO]

OutlawsA prize, a prize, a prize!

VALENTINEForbear, forbear, I say! it is my lord the duke.
Your grace is welcome to a man disgraced,
Banished Valentine.

DUKESir Valentine!

THURIOYonder is Silvia; and Silvia's mine.

VALENTINEThurio, give back, or else embrace thy death;
Come not within the measure of my wrath;
Do not name Silvia thine; if once again,
Verona shall not hold thee. Here she stands;
Take but possession of her with a touch:
I dare thee but to breathe upon my love.

THURIOSir Valentine, I care not for her, I;
I hold him but a fool that will endanger
His body for a girl that loves him not:
I claim her not, and therefore she is thine.

DUKEThe more degenerate and base art thou,
To make such means for her as thou hast done
And leave her on such slight conditions.
Now, by the honour of my ancestry,
I do applaud thy spirit, Valentine,
And think thee worthy of an empress' love:
Know then, I here forget all former griefs,
Cancel all grudge, repeal thee home again,
Plead a new state in thy unrivall'd merit,
To which I thus subscribe: Sir Valentine,
Thou art a gentleman and well derived;
Take thou thy Silvia, for thou hast deserved her.

VALENTINEI thank your grace; the gift hath made me happy.
I now beseech you, for your daughter's sake,
To grant one boom that I shall ask of you.

DUKEI grant it, for thine own, whate'er it be.

VALENTINEThese banish'd men that I have kept withal
Are men endued with worthy qualities:
Forgive them what they have committed here
And let them be recall'd from their exile:
They are reformed, civil, full of good
And fit for great employment, worthy lord.

DUKEThou hast prevail'd; I pardon them and thee:
Dispose of them as thou know'st their deserts.
Come, let us go: we will include all jars
With triumphs, mirth and rare solemnity.

VALENTINEAnd, as we walk along, I dare be bold
With our discourse to make your grace to smile.
What think you of this page, my lord?

DUKEI think the boy hath grace in him; he blushes.

VALENTINEI warrant you, my lord, more grace than boy.

DUKEWhat mean you by that saying?

VALENTINEPlease you, I'll tell you as we pass along,
That you will wonder what hath fortuned.
Come, Proteus; 'tis your penance but to hear
The story of your loves discovered:
That done, our day of marriage shall be yours;
One feast, one house, one mutual happiness.

[Exeunt]
posted by bigmusic at 1:14 AM on June 19, 2006


Wow. Superlame. Also, Matt really needs some European moderators so that posts like this don't survive as long as they do.
posted by antifuse at 1:15 AM on June 19, 2006


I fucking love bigmusic. Man that guy can type.


posted by shmegegge at 1:17 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by Heywood Mogroot at 1:18 AM on June 19, 2006


Fascinating. How can a creature turn Metafilter into Fark with a single post?

btw: Loquacious: great collection of pics. I'll steal some, with your permission...
posted by cardoso at 1:18 AM on June 19, 2006




*squeak-ah!*
posted by SteelyDuran at 1:19 AM on June 19, 2006


I'm about to turn in for the night, but before I do, I feel obligated to explain away a few things I think are hilarious:

1.) Most meta-users who disagree with me and my war accuse me of violating the Mefi TOS.
2.) These same users will not (or cannot) explain to me who civil disobedience, in a free society, is sometimes justified.
3.) Instead these users decide to spam my blog with repeated (over and over again) re-posts of my original entry.
4.) No one here can explain why I'm a villian, here, when I have a.) not spammed at all; b.) not attacked anyone though I have been attacked; and c.) not reduced myself to personal attacks on the Mefi comminity, though many of you have done just that.

I view all this as a victory for me and PWTU as a whole. Since you haven't been able to formulate any logical arguments against us, your personal attacks and immature posts thus reinforce that we are right! And always have been.

Good night, to you, then... and please stop the spamming, okay? The fact that you do so only makes you look dumb.
posted by risk at 1:22 AM on June 19, 2006


Good night.

{tucks everyone in}

{turns out the light}
posted by SteelyDuran at 1:25 AM on June 19, 2006


OMG, you win totally win the argument risk.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!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posted by bigmusic at 1:25 AM on June 19, 2006


yay! more anti-communism propaganda!
posted by 29 at 1:26 AM on June 19, 2006


Ah, to be a teenager again, full of dumb and resolute conviction!
posted by ori at 1:26 AM on June 19, 2006


He's 26, man. Christ, talk about an underdeveloped superego.
posted by mr_roboto at 1:28 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by Riovanes at 1:29 AM on June 19, 2006


Kids. They're just full of the dickens sometimes.
posted by maryh at 1:29 AM on June 19, 2006


I'm with risk - you have been steadily becoming the most astounding bunch of sad-acts on the web. Maybe a change of site premise is due.
posted by catchmurray at 1:30 AM on June 19, 2006


Kids. Dorks. They're just full of the dickens sometimes.
posted by maryh at 1:32 AM on June 19, 2006


I don't care how old he is, he's an imbecile.
posted by Joeforking at 1:32 AM on June 19, 2006


catchmurray: Nobody forces you to come here ;)
posted by slater at 1:33 AM on June 19, 2006


Let the ruling classes tremble at a Meta revolution. The mefites have nothing to lose but their chains. Blogging men of all countries, unite!
posted by twistedonion at 1:34 AM on June 19, 2006


MeTa.
posted by Effigy2000 at 1:35 AM on June 19, 2006


Off to Siberia with you....
posted by zoinks at 1:35 AM on June 19, 2006


The fact that you do so only makes you look dumb.

Never as dumb as you look. You declare war against us and then bitch when we retaliate... your real name George?
posted by twistedonion at 1:37 AM on June 19, 2006




SHAQ!!!!
posted by tsarfan at 1:39 AM on June 19, 2006


> Nobody forces you to come here

Ever heard of 'car crash-viewing'?
posted by catchmurray at 1:41 AM on June 19, 2006


Just today I was saying to myself, "Hm... I should expand my collection of animated gifs..."
posted by Tikirific at 1:42 AM on June 19, 2006


b.) not attacked anyone though I have been attacked; and c.) not reduced myself to personal attacks on the Mefi comminity, though many of you have done just that.

Err, well to be fair, you did declare war. You've pretty much been handled with kid gloves so far.
And why do you think mefi should be treated as a state, anyway? It's much more like private property or a club and those are rarely democratic. You weren't born on MeFi and subject to repression afterwards, were you? Why am I even answering your ridiculous and illogical argument? Ahhh, because you're much like an errant child who wanders into the adult section of the video store.
posted by IronLizard at 1:46 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by fandango_matt at 1:54 AM on June 19, 2006


Ok, just 'cause I'm bored an I'm an asshole:

I'm about to turn in for the night, but before I do, I feel obligated to explain away a few things I think are hilarious:


Having read the entirety of your output as related to this issue while employing my incredibly refined reading comprehension skills, you've explained away nothing. Just because you say it doesn't mean it's true. Just because you wrongheadedly believe it also doesn't make it true.

1.) Most meta-users who disagree with me and my war accuse me of violating the Mefi TOS.


That's because you did violate them. Apparently you somehow missed the gigantanormous bold-text warning that stated all that inconsequential communist bullshit about how self-linking will be punished by having a ravenous, rabid pack of hyenas forcibly teleported directly inside your colon to eviscerate you from the inside out. Oh, and your account will be deleted and you'll be out $5 with zero recourse.

2.) These same users will not (or cannot) explain to me who civil disobedience, in a free society, is sometimes justified.

This sentence is malformed and grammatically incorrect and indicative of your sloppy-ass thinking. However, MeFi isn't some "free society". It's not even society in general. It's a fucking website, and you're tilting at windmills, except instead of a lance and a horse you've got a asthmatic pug, a cocktail swizzle and a malformed sense of the political spectrum.

3.) Instead these users decide to spam my blog with repeated (over and over again) re-posts of my original entry.

Well, what did you expect, brainiac, candy and roses? You're the one that declared war, you lackwitted sausage factory. It's like you randomly punched someone in the face and then started whining incessently as they just happened to be an 800 pound gorilla with a quadruple blackbelt in Aikido and they proceeded to systematically divest you of your ass and hand it to you. Way to go, Spongebob.

4.) No one here can explain why I'm a villian, here, when I have a.) not spammed at all; b.) not attacked anyone though I have been attacked; and c.) not reduced myself to personal attacks on the Mefi comminity, though many of you have done just that.

You spammed your own blog post - not even your own blog, just some half-assed comment. You called a broad, working community of over 40,000 registered users the generalized insulting slur in the form of a mis-interpreted "communism". As for C, see statement B as they're redundant and recursive. (Further examples of sloppy-ass thinking.)

I view all this as a victory for me and PWTU as a whole. Since you haven't been able to formulate any logical arguments against us, your personal attacks and immature posts thus reinforce that we are right! And always have been.


Dude, I'm not even sure you have any fucking clue what logic is, or an argument. Everything you've said and done so far is so consistantly illogical it's apalling to me that the word "logic" is even in your vocabulary. I'm not even quite sure how it is you're stringing sentences together, much less operating a computer, keeping it online with a fresh TCP/IP connection, typing, and breathing all at once. It's not a mystery, it's a fucking miracle.

I keep looking over my shoulder expecting Jesus, Buddha and Krishna to appear bearing gifts of hookers and booze - oh, and world peace.

Good night, to you, then... and please stop the spamming, okay? The fact that you do so only makes you look dumb.

Thank you, drive through. Come again.
posted by loquacious at 1:54 AM on June 19, 2006 [16 favorites]


In Russia, Luck Dragon rides you!
posted by maryh at 1:59 AM on June 19, 2006


{tucks everyone in again}
posted by SteelyDuran at 2:00 AM on June 19, 2006


Dude, you're begging for a truce two hours after declaring war on Metafilter? So lame.
posted by Devils Slide at 2:00 AM on June 19, 2006



               TITLECARD: LONDON, 1876

               A foggy, miserable night.

               A gothic tower is aflame. 

               Two children, SUSAN and PETER BAUDRILLARD,aged 12 and 10, are
               trapped on the highest balcony. They wave their arms wildly
               and cry for help. 

               From the mist emerges a strange-looking HOT AIR BALLOON. The
               sole occupant of the balloon is FANTANAMOUS Q. R.
               DRIZZLEDRAZZLE, age indeterminate. He has an unnaturally long
               nose and wears an admiral's uniform. 

               A thrilling rescue as FANTANAMOUS hoists the children into
               his balloon. And soars away. Just in time, too - the tower
               immediately crumbles into flaming rubble.

                                   SUSAN
                         Oh thank you ever so much man in a
                         hot air balloon! You have saved us
                         from certain calamity, I'm sure of
                         it! I am Susan Baudrillard, and
                         this is my dearest brother,
                         Peter...and what is your name, kind
                         sir?

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Ahoy, dear children! The pleasure's
                         all mine! I am none other than
                         Fantanamous Q. R. Drizzledrazzle,
                         engineeritron and inventrix of
                         obscurily esoterical aviatrical
                         flotatory device-items, such as
                         this very zeppelin-blimp in which
                         you are currently soaring over the
                         great city of London, England,
                         capital of the world! Oh-ho
                         ho...look at that castle down
                         below!

                                   PETER
                         Thank you ever so kindly, Mr.
                         Drizzledrazzle! To you we owe our
                         very lives!

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Ho, ho! Not a problem, my pets! It
                         was pure chance.
                         I was merely piloting my latest and
                         greatest and yet most
                         experimentastical blimp-airship
                         zeppelin through the many crevasses
                         of these mountain ranges, and, ho
                         ho, well, I couldn't help but see
                         the two of you trapped in that
                         Gothic clock tower, flaming Ð my
                         word! What horrors. What horrors.

                                   SUSAN
                         Excuse me, kind sir. An
                         "experimental zeppelin-blimp?" To
                         my eyes this balloon appears as any
                         other!

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Oh, ho, that is where you are most
                         wrong, my little goblin! For you
                         see, for an ordinary hot air
                         balloon to function, one must have
                         a flame Ð and flame is dangerous,
                         not to mention expensive! Oh no,
                         there's no flame on this airship at
                         all. No flame at all.

               Indeed, there is no flame.

                                   PETER
                         Then how is the air heated, kind
                         sir Drizzledrazzle?

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Quite simply Ð this hot air balloon
                         runs on lies.

                                   SUSAN
                             (taken aback)
                         I beg your pardon?

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Oh, don't be such a fuddy-duddy
                         about it! Lies can be great fun as
                         long as no one gets hurt! Just
                         watch Ð we wish to climb higher,
                         say Ð so I say Ð 'Giraffes are two
                         feet tall!'

               The balloon whooshes upward. Much joy.

                                   SUSAN
                         Why, that's amazing, Mr.
                         Drizzledrazzle!

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Ho, ho, it is indeed Ð now you try,
                         my dear Suzie!

                                   SUSAN
                         Hmmm...well, alrightÉ'apples are
                         blue!'

               Once again, the hot air balloon rises. Polite clapping.

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Fantastic work, Suzie! Now it's
                         your turn, Peter!

                                   PETER
                         Hurrrrrr...'homework is fun!'
                         Hooray!

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Ho, ho, now you're getting the hang
                         of it!

               The hot air balloon rises. They all have a good laugh and
               sail contentedly for a few seconds.

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         'Your parents love you!'

               The hot air balloon whooshes upward once again. The children
               do a silent double take after a split second of
               contemplation.

                                   SUSAN
                         Er, what did you say, sir?

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Oh, me? Oh, oh, I merely told a lie
                         to raise the balloon some more. Pay
                         no heed.

                                   SUSAN
                         Yes, but, ah, what was it?

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Oh, but it's nothing. I merely
                         claimed that you parents love you.

                                   SUSAN
                         Ahm.

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         You know. A lie.

               Awkward pause.

                                   SUSAN
                         But that's nonsense. Of course our
                         parents love us.

               The balloon raises softly.

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Ho, ho, Suzie, I realize it's great
                         fun to use lies to fly, but I'm
                         afraid that we're at exactly the
                         correct altitude, and we do not
                         wish to go much further. Don't
                         worry Ð as soon as we need to go
                         higher again I'll let you utter a
                         lie. Ho-ho! We soar like condors,
                         we do. Hmm...condor.

               Another awkward pause. The children glance at one another in
               consternation.

                                   PETER
                         No, no, I don't think you
                         understand, sir, but our parents
                         really do love us. They love us
                         quite a bit and are very worried
                         about us right now.

               The hot air balloons whooshes upwards twice.

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                             (severely, fearful and
                              scolding)
                         Peter! Please! No more lies! We
                         can't go up indefinitely Ð great
                         danger awaits if we soar too high!

                                   PETER
                         ButÉno! Our parents do love us! Our
                         parents do love us! You're wrong!
                         You're a liar!

               The balloon starts spinning out of control. 

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         No, stop, foolish child! No more
                         lies, no more lies, we're spinning
                         out of control!

                                   SUSAN
                         You're an awful man and this is an
                         awful balloon, our parents do love
                         us, they do love us...

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Filthy child, stop this nonsense at
                         once, you'll get us all killed!

               Chaos rises until it reigns. Then, in the distance, small
               shapes twitter towards the crashing airship.

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         My Lord, my sweet Lord, this has
                         all gone foul, no more lies, no
                         more lies, no more lies at allÉ.OH
                         MY GOD! We've run into the
                         territory of the sp-sp-sp-sp-spACE
                         BATS! COVER YOUR EYES, FOUL FILTHY
                         LYING CHILDREN, THAT'S WHERE THEY
                         AIM THE ACID!!!!!!!

                                   PETER
                         Space bats?

               The twittering shapes are much closer now, and much more
               clear Ð they are indeed a flock of huge bats flying around in
               space. 

               Abruptly, the bats all burst into flame, still flying and
               alive and all.

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         OH JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY IN HIS
                         INFINITE MERCY AND HATE THEY'RE
                         FLAMING SPACE BATS! CUT YOUR OWN
                         THROATS!

               Cutting to Susan, we see that this entire time she's been
               leaning against the side of the balloon, looking away,
               cooling off with a Marlboro.

                                   SUSAN
                         Flaming space bats? OK, now you're
                         just making stuff up.

               The hot air balloon overturns, but the children are
               immediately snapped up by the flaming space bats. Fantanamous
               falls.

               PETER is carried by FLAMING SPACE BAT ONE; SUSAN is carried
               by FLAMING SPACE BAT TWO.
               The children regard the falling balloon with confused horror,
               then look at one another. PETER then breaks the ice with
               their strange saviors.

                                   PETER
                         UmmÉthank youÉgood sirÉerÉflamÉ

                                   FLAMING SPACE BAT ONE
                             (loudly and abruptly,
                              almost like a robot)
                         FLAMING SPACE BATS.

                                   PETER
                         Yeah.

               Pause. They fly and fly.

                                   PETER
                         Thanks for rescuÉ

                                   FLAMING SPACE BAT TWO
                         NO PROBLEM, HUMAN SPACE CHILD.

               Another pause.

                                   SUSAN
                         So, ah...where are you tak...

                                   FLAMING SPACE BAT ONE
                         NO PROBLEM, HUMAN SPACE CHILD.

               Another long pause. They fly and fly and fly. SUSAN looks to
               PETER and they both shrug. 

                                   FLAMING SPACE BAT TWO
                         WOULD YOU TWO LIKE TO PLAY A GAME
                         OF BASEBALL.

                                   SUSAN
                         ErÉwell, we've had a very long day,
                         so I think maybe after a little
                         rest we could could obli...

                                   FLAMING SPACE BAT ONE
                         WE WOULD REALLY, REALLY LIKE IT IF
                         YOU PLAYED BASEBALL.

                                   FLAMING SPACE BAT TWO
                         REALLY, REALLY LIKE IT.

               A strange threatening stare from the bats. At this, SUSAN
               changes her tune.

                                   SUSAN
                             (very confused)
                         UmmmÉwellÉsureÉbatsÉwe'llÉplay
                         baseball with youÉ

                                   FLAMING SPACE BAT ONE
                         VERY GOOD. WE PLAY BASEBALL NOW.

               All of a sudden they're dropped onto a pirate ship where a
               strange baseball game is indeed in progress, played between
               non-flaming bats in baseball hats and cleats and pirates who
               appear precisely as in the baseball scene from Hook.

               Cut back to Fantanamous falling. Suspenseful music. He just
               smiles as he falls through space, as the falling embers of
               the balloon surround and fall with him. He hums softly to
               himself. The music fades out, to just his humming. He turns
               to a particularly large piece of falling wood.

                                   FANTANAMOUS
                         Go well, my child.

               Then he closes his eyes and turns his hands upwards as if in
               meditation. Re-cue suspenseful music as the camera follows
               the large flaming piece of wood, as it soars into a Gothic
               clock tower, sending glass and flame everywhere, setting it
               ablaze. Follow tower up to reveal children rushing to the
               window and crying for help, only to be rescued by a hot air
               balloon. Pull back to reveal that the entire city is made up
               of flaming Gothic towers filled with crying children being
               rescued by hot air balloons.

               TITLECARD: LONDON, 2006
posted by Sticherbeast at 2:05 AM on June 19, 2006 [3 favorites]


When I first started reading the guy's link I assumed it was some sort of incestuous self-congratulatory weblogger bullshit, but then halfway through it struck me: risk was actually serious, and was seriously pissed!

WTF

Links to risk's blog should be tagged with "batshitboring"
posted by Spacelegoman at 2:07 AM on June 19, 2006


Wow, I go away for an hour and it goes from 17 to 137 comments - and it's still here. Well, here goes.


posted by greycap at 2:08 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by terpsichoria at 2:12 AM on June 19, 2006


dhoyt?
posted by PenDevil at 2:13 AM on June 19, 2006


lol dongs
posted by 29 at 2:19 AM on June 19, 2006 [1 favorite]



posted by Jimbob at 2:23 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by MetaMonkey at 2:23 AM on June 19, 2006


lol dongs
posted by 29 at 2:42 AM on June 19, 2006 [1 favorite]


What the fuck, I'll throw one in. Literally!


posted by Clamwacker at 2:54 AM on June 19, 2006


OK that sucked. Let's try this one.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
posted by Clamwacker at 3:10 AM on June 19, 2006



posted by Pseudonumb at 3:11 AM on June 19, 2006


That's just fucked up, man.
posted by loquacious at 3:11 AM on June 19, 2006


That too. But the pic of the dude in the superhero pants is really, incredibly fucked up.
posted by loquacious at 3:12 AM on June 19, 2006


Oh this is delicious.

Can we keep the post, just delete the link to Risk's site? since it is wonderfuly hilarious and what I needed at 3am PDT.

The internet is full of self righteous pricks, I just agree with the ones here at MeFi more than other places, which is why I hang out here.
posted by mrzarquon at 3:16 AM on June 19, 2006


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