Stop using my godly powers
February 26, 2007 1:28 PM   Subscribe

David Copperfield is stealing my godly powers. Chris Roller believes himself to have godly powers and is suing Copperfield, and also David Blaine, for using them. What better way to protect godly powers than by filing a patent application? Oh, he's suing the Bush administration too.
posted by caddis (22 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
oops, forgot to add - via Patently-O
posted by caddis at 1:30 PM on February 26, 2007

"A key event that led to these groups first watching me: When I joined the Navy, I had a crush on a Navy female . Like any horny guy, I masturbated in thought of her. But she felt it (like my ghost was banging her), and it spooked her, so she reported it, which led back to the CIA. The experience is called spiritual sex. Would you like to try it.

Another important characteristic that led to these groups watching me. The CIA noticed that they can almost will (wish) me to do things. If they wanted me to go to the grocery store, I would eventually go - may not be right away, but eventually. Events like this happened many times. They knew I was psychic. More

In April of 1999, I had a spiritual experience in which millions of spirits started entering me and are still entering me if I'm spiritually powerful enough to hold them . I do believe that I was able to hold heaven at that moment. It made me extremely powerful spiritually. It led me on a 2.5 month practice journey which taught me how to use my spirituality and the magic associated with it.

I have human angels (CIA for example) and spiritual angels. They both protect me. In my journey, the spiritual angels inform me of impending danger, then help me to eliminate the danger using my magic. There have been many attempts on my life during this journey to help prepare me for the future.

The experience led me to believe that I am Jesus - the second coming.

In April 2000, a similar experience occurred in which I was now able to hold hell. FYI, I did not believe in hell before this occurred - I thought there was only a heaven."

Hmmm. Instead of scribbling in composition books, another disturbed individual chooses to catalog his life online.
posted by ericb at 1:43 PM on February 26, 2007

"type 9 conspiracy" eh? Guess I need to brush up on my conspiracy theoretics, since I assumed there was only one type.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 1:44 PM on February 26, 2007

Hah. Every week or so, I sit down for 20 minutes and will this guy to go to the grocery store. Poor guy thinks it's the CIA.
posted by Partial Law at 1:49 PM on February 26, 2007 [3 favorites]

"I have heard him often say that it must not be soldiers nor the Scots that must do this work, but it must be the godly to this purpose.”
posted by Abiezer at 1:53 PM on February 26, 2007

The weird part (well, one weird facet) is that he would have had to pay several hundred dollars in filing fees for the patent application. Money well spent.
posted by Joe Invisible at 1:58 PM on February 26, 2007

Yes, the fees upon filing total $500 for an individual. However, after he receives the ten percent of Copperfield's earnings this will seem like small potatoes.
posted by caddis at 2:13 PM on February 26, 2007

Bill Gates contacted me and we will be running for President in 2008.
posted by parmanparman at 2:18 PM on February 26, 2007

I think he's stealing his godly craziness from TedJesusChristLord.
posted by katillathehun at 2:31 PM on February 26, 2007

Wow, all my life, I thought I went to the grocery store, to buy food, because I am hungry. Little did I know it's a CIA plot. I should have known I can feed myself with the timecube.
posted by nomisxid at 2:51 PM on February 26, 2007

Wow! He has godly powers! suddenly I want to have his baby, too!
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 3:07 PM on February 26, 2007

From the second link:
There is some confusion about calling myself God (with big G). So I am going to call myself the Love God (with the need to breed)
I wonder in which of his alternate timelines that pickup line actually works.
posted by semantic scope at 3:07 PM on February 26, 2007

Why Katie Couric?...because she interviewed my babes/wives. Wives you ask? Yes, about 20-30 (probably a lot more) wives that are to have my baby, and Celine Dion and Katie are two of them. Why Celine Dion? Ya got me. I guess she likes me. Also, I've been told her baby boy is mine, yet I've never met her - this is a magic baby. Why Katie Couric? She wants to be my wife and have my baby. Say what (Polygamy)? (All My Babes)
Why Conan? No, he's not a wife, although we experimented.

Hilarious though it is, we are terrible people.
posted by mek at 3:10 PM on February 26, 2007

The mentally ill are hilarious.
posted by basicchannel at 3:31 PM on February 26, 2007

Okay, I gotta say "David Copperfield Disappearing Inc." is pretty damn clever.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 4:30 PM on February 26, 2007

> "type 9 conspiracy" eh? Guess I need to brush up on my conspiracy theoretics, since I assumed there was only one type.

That's what they want you to think.
posted by ardgedee at 4:39 PM on February 26, 2007

Anybody used the software?
posted by flabdablet at 6:58 PM on February 26, 2007

He thanked Al Gore for creating the internet. How crazy can he be?
posted by mr vino at 5:15 AM on February 27, 2007

basicchannel: The mentally ill are hilarious.

Thank you, basicchannel. (seriouslah) Reading this gives me the same sort of squirmy unease I get when the Daily Show does the "haha let's pretend to care about some schizotypal's delusions/obsessions and then mock them" segments. OTOH, when they mock political figures, I don't get that squirmy feeling.

posted by LMGM at 6:48 AM on February 27, 2007

I find it more disturbing that a District Court would allow this type of law suit.
posted by cedar key at 11:53 AM on February 27, 2007

Well cedar key if you were a clerk of a District Court would you deny a law suit to someone that claimed to have godly powers?

It's like Pascal's Wager, just on the off chance that he isn't a nutjob I'd allow it.
posted by electricinca at 1:05 PM on February 27, 2007

Celine respects his honesty.

Bad points:

I fart.
I burp loudly.
I scratch my ass.
I like to fart in bed, then trap my wife under the covers.
I scratch my sack, then occasionally I smell my fingers to see if there's been any new growth (mold and such).
My fart smells good. Everybody else's doesn't. So I don't want you cuttin' one around me, but you have to appreciate mine.
I swear.
I'm kinda fat.
I'm kinda bald.
I'm very poor.
I can't hold a job thanks to
I pick my nose.
I'm not well hung.
I get cold sores occasionally.
Only allergy is hay fever.
330 cholesterol - this may actually be an asset? (requirement for brain electrolyte chemistry?) unless I suffer a stroke!

posted by hatchetjack at 2:59 PM on February 27, 2007

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