Thank God I'm Stupid!
March 27, 2007 1:17 PM   Subscribe

"Thank God I Was Raped!" Thank God for creepily masochistic self-help concepts! Thank God for network marketing publishing stunts that prey on the deranged! Thank God I was scammed out of real money by an advocate of rape therapy! But most of all, thank God there's an affiliate program!
posted by MaxVonCretin (77 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Is this another pile on of Christians? Please.....
posted by wheelieman at 1:31 PM on March 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Thank god I'm an Athiest!
posted by Floydd at 1:32 PM on March 27, 2007 [2 favorites]

wow, "Thank God I am gay" - scary to see the makes of the film think of homosexuality as an affliction of the same order as blindness and cancer. (unless maybe it's being said in a Big Gay Al "I'm super thanks for asking" kind of way of course)
posted by topdrawersausage at 1:32 PM on March 27, 2007

Thank God it's my birthday and i can finally eat that burger I've been talking about all year.
posted by phaedon at 1:33 PM on March 27, 2007

I don't think this will finish well. Here goes: Christianity is so gay! *Grabs Popcorn*
posted by Jeff_Larson at 1:35 PM on March 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

So couldn’t you by the same logic blame God? I mean I didn’t exactly ask to exist in the first place, so...
posted by Smedleyman at 1:36 PM on March 27, 2007

Thank God I'm a Country Boy!
posted by psmealey at 1:37 PM on March 27, 2007 [2 favorites]

Thank God I have a 12-inch pianist.

His name is Peter
posted by Mister_A at 1:37 PM on March 27, 2007

"I'm just as God made me, sir."
posted by phaedon at 1:38 PM on March 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Wow, nobody here thinks this is some sort of weird satire? Anyone?
posted by basicchannel at 1:42 PM on March 27, 2007

Commodify your trauma.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:45 PM on March 27, 2007

Yeah, I kinda do, but I feel I've already fallen for it.
posted by Jeff_Larson at 1:52 PM on March 27, 2007

It seems perfectly logical to me, like a religious version of Nietzsche's famous maxim of Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker.

Basically, if you accept the premise that God has a master plan for you, then it makes perfect sense that the bad things that happen to you are stepping stones towards a goal that God has already laid out.

That certainly makes more sense to me than, say, praising God for sparing your life but not mentioning God when a schoolbus of full of handicapped orphans crashes.
posted by Ljubljana at 1:56 PM on March 27, 2007

Also. It has to be a joke.
posted by Jeff_Larson at 1:56 PM on March 27, 2007


* Thank God I Was Raped
* Thank God I Was Incested
* Thank God I Was Sexually Molested
* Thank God I Am Pregnant
* Thank God I Was/Am A Stripper
* Thank God I Was/Am A Prostitute
* Thank God I Masturbate
* Thank God I Am Gay
* Thank God I Am a Lesbian
* Thank God I Am Bi-Sexual
* Thank God I Had/Have Erectile Dysfunction
* Thank God I Am A Virgin
* Thank God I Am Shy
* Thank God I Don't/Didn't Have Orgasms
* Thank God I Have A Small Penis
* Thank God I Have Small Breasts

All of these would look so lovely over the fireplace mantle.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:58 PM on March 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

It doesn't look like a parody.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:00 PM on March 27, 2007

Mary didn't consent.
posted by thirteenkiller at 2:02 PM on March 27, 2007

Thank God the bitch in my hands has stopped breathing.
posted by flarbuse at 2:04 PM on March 27, 2007

It should be satire. But it's not.

Also, the Google turns up various warnings on reputable sites.

Also - the creator's site
posted by MaxVonCretin at 2:05 PM on March 27, 2007

Thank God that schoolbus full of handicapped orphans crashed when it swerved to miss my drunk ass.
posted by LordSludge at 2:05 PM on March 27, 2007 [4 favorites]

How much are they ripping people off for?
posted by bashos_frog at 2:06 PM on March 27, 2007

Ok then, back to LOL CHRISTIANS GAY! hey hey hey... snarf.
posted by Jeff_Larson at 2:06 PM on March 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is this another pile on of Christians? (Please?)

Fixed that for ya.
posted by LordSludge at 2:09 PM on March 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

All those thanks are tying up god's bandwidth and he isn't answering my prayers. On the plus side he also won't notice that I am calling you all bastards for it.
posted by srboisvert at 2:10 PM on March 27, 2007

Thank God Johnny Hit and Run Pauline.
posted by tkchrist at 2:13 PM on March 27, 2007

Hey Burhanistan: what's the $$ angle here - what's this affiliate deal in that link? I just have to write some shit about thank God I got neurofibromatosis, or thank God I have no mouth and I must scream and the checks roll in?
posted by Mister_A at 2:15 PM on March 27, 2007

Is this another pile on of Christians? Please.....

Thank god this is another pile on of Christians!
posted by c13 at 2:20 PM on March 27, 2007

Mister_A: (Thank God) I didn't poke that far into the site to find out how their payment mechanism works.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:22 PM on March 27, 2007

Ahh Max Von Cretin's third link explaineth all (or most). Thank God I just farted a flaming hole in my pants, by the way.
posted by Mister_A at 2:27 PM on March 27, 2007

Thank god I'm an Athiest!

Some people don't believe in God, but I'm the athiest of them all!
posted by ODiV at 2:29 PM on March 27, 2007 [3 favorites]

thank god i was on the grassy knoll that day
posted by pyramid termite at 2:30 PM on March 27, 2007

This is really sick. But at least they are upfront about the fact that they basically work on the principle that people should be grateful for bad things happening to them because getting involved in this thing will be another source of gratitude before long.

Humans unfortunately have quite a few psychological mechanisms that are easily co-opted by those who would exploit them: this one works on the fact that people need to make meaning of their lives and one of the best ways of getting over horrid experiences is to see them as some kind of lesson.

Most people are smart enough not to sign up in advance for additional horrid experiences to have to rationalize-- so the bad guys hide the fact that they are about to exploit you until you are so exploited that it is more meaningful to look for positive lessons than feel the intensity of your stupidity for having fallen for it.
posted by Maias at 2:32 PM on March 27, 2007

You're not so athy. I'll show you athy!
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:32 PM on March 27, 2007

Thank God God doesn't heal amputees!
posted by SaintCynr at 2:35 PM on March 27, 2007

If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:37 PM on March 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

The "Thank God my husband died" surgically-altered hausfrau looks like she inherited a nice estate from the departed. Maybe she's genuinely grateful?
posted by kid ichorous at 2:39 PM on March 27, 2007

“if you accept the premise that God has a master plan for you, then it makes perfect sense that the bad things that happen to you are stepping stones towards a goal that God has already laid out.”

Man, what I wouldn’t give to be a pro ball player getting interviewed and just start bad-mouthing God and throwing left handed compliments after a loss. It’s a trite idea, but that’d be great. “God was against us the whole game. I was praying to complete that pass, but God just said ‘No way’ and slapped it down. Through the Lord all things are possible, and I guess that means beating a better team. We’d have won if God hadn’t been against us. We work harder, practice more, and we’re far more talented, but I guess they’ve got God on their side, you can’t beat that.”
posted by Smedleyman at 2:42 PM on March 27, 2007 [5 favorites]

Thank God it's friday.

. . .shit
posted by nola at 2:46 PM on March 27, 2007

* Thank God I Was Incested

Wait, is 'to incest' a verb now?
posted by randomination at 2:48 PM on March 27, 2007

# Thank God I Am Dyslexic

Oh man, they sure missed an easy joke there.

And isn't this more just a pile on of bastards exploiting the Christian market? That's how this project smells to me, at least.
posted by aldurtregi at 2:48 PM on March 27, 2007

17: Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty:
18: For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole.
19: He shall deliver thee in six troubles: yea, in seven there shall no evil touch thee...

1: But Job answered and said,
2: Oh that my grief were throughly weighed, and my calamity laid in the balances together!
3: For now it would be heavier than the sand of the sea: therefore my words are swallowed up.
4: For the arrows of the Almighty are within me, the poison whereof drinketh up my spirit: the terrors of God do set themselves in array against me.
5: Doth the wild ass bray when he hath grass? or loweth the ox over his fodder?
6: Can that which is unsavoury be eaten without salt? or is there any taste in the white of an egg?
7: The things that my soul refused to touch are as my sorrowful meat.
8: Oh that I might have my request; and that God would grant me the thing that I long for!
9: Even that it would please God to destroy me; that he would let loose his hand, and cut me off!
10: Then should I yet have comfort; yea, I would harden myself in sorrow: let him not spare; for I have not concealed the words of the Holy One.
11: What is my strength, that I should hope? and what is mine end, that I should prolong my life?
12: Is my strength the strength of stones? or is my flesh of brass?
13: Is not my help in me? and is wisdom driven quite from me?
14: To him that is afflicted pity should be shewed from his friend; but he forsaketh the fear of the Almighty.
15: My brethren have dealt deceitfully as a brook, and as the stream of brooks they pass away;
16: Which are blackish by reason of the ice, and wherein the snow is hid:
17: What time they wax warm, they vanish: when it is hot, they are consumed out of their place.
18: The paths of their way are turned aside; they go to nothing, and perish.
19: The troops of Tema looked, the companies of Sheba waited for them.
20: They were confounded because they had hoped; they came thither, and were ashamed.
21: For now ye are nothing; ye see my casting down, and are afraid.
22: Did I say, Bring unto me? or, Give a reward for me of your substance?
23: Or, Deliver me from the enemy's hand? or, Redeem me from the hand of the mighty?
24: Teach me, and I will hold my tongue: and cause me to understand wherein I have erred.
25: How forcible are right words! but what doth your arguing reprove?
26: Do ye imagine to reprove words, and the speeches of one that is desperate, which are as wind?
27: Yea, ye overwhelm the fatherless, and ye dig a pit for your friend.
28: Now therefore be content, look upon me; for it is evident unto you if I lie.
29: Return, I pray you, let it not be iniquity; yea, return again, my righteousness is in it.
30: Is there iniquity in my tongue? cannot my taste discern perverse things?

posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:55 PM on March 27, 2007

Oh, and thank God I Masturbate.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:57 PM on March 27, 2007

Got to love the guys on the "Inspired Writers" page who list "Thank God I Am an Entrepreneur" and "Thank God I Am a Network Marketer" right next to "Thank God I Have Breast Cancer" and "Thank God I Was Abused."
posted by ottereroticist at 3:01 PM on March 27, 2007

What about Satan? I thought he was the ready-made scapegoat for rape, incest, child-death, business failure, house fire, flat tire, hockey-game loss, snow, burnt toast, dry brown sugar, paper cut...
posted by arcticwoman at 3:03 PM on March 27, 2007

It reads better backwards than that other way around.
Thank Dog I have lysdexia.
posted by isopraxis at 3:06 PM on March 27, 2007

Thank God I worship Satan
posted by bashos_frog at 3:08 PM on March 27, 2007

Thank God there's no divine plan to the universe!
posted by obvious at 3:16 PM on March 27, 2007

Ick ... pyramid marketing shot through a slave-think prism. I'm gonna go wash my mouth out.
posted by EatTheWeak at 3:42 PM on March 27, 2007

I prefer to be hating on the world then to "grow as a person".
posted by liquorice at 3:48 PM on March 27, 2007

I can see a new marketing angle right now. Cross-stich pillows, or maybe framed for above the bed.
posted by Belle O'Cosity at 3:51 PM on March 27, 2007

I dunno if it's satire or not, but I could probably write them "Thank God my Parents Divorced."
posted by absalom at 4:17 PM on March 27, 2007

Thank God I'm such an ingrate.
posted by adamrice at 4:40 PM on March 27, 2007

You're welcome.
posted by phaedon at 4:54 PM on March 27, 2007

It is worth reading the link that Max originally posted, but that Mister_A also relinked. This is a scam - akin to those "pay to have your work published" poetry books. This may or may not be perpetrated by Christians - but it is preying on Christians.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:59 PM on March 27, 2007

Another critical article. Somebody woke up one day and decided hey, I think I will create the lowest form of vanity publishing since the invention of the printing press.
posted by nanojath at 5:28 PM on March 27, 2007

thank god i'm reading shit on the internet
posted by perianwyr at 6:12 PM on March 27, 2007

absolutely hilarious, I could not stop laughing, which is horrible I know.

thank god I have aids, thank god for accidents, thank god my husband died, thank god I'm a virgin, ("thank god I'm not a virgin??")

I don't think you have to be religious to believe in the general message however. If you can get through such bad experiences as being raped, getting cancer, or facing death in some other way, to have survived the experience and to be able to live with yourself is a triumph in and of itself. To say, I am less afraid now than before, I am more sympathetic than before, I am more comfortable with my priorities in life, I could use my knowledge help somebody else, or simply understanding more about yourself by how you act in such situations could be a positive influence on anyones life. n'est-ce pas?
posted by ryanfou at 6:14 PM on March 27, 2007

I think the humor comes from the simplicity of the statements, which seem interchangeable with something simple like having a door held open for you, or "thank god I didn't lock my keys in the car".

the surface facileness somehow undermines the seriousness of the actual sentiments..... I'm just hopefully I didn't offend anybody because I really don't think any of those issues are funny at all.
posted by ryanfou at 6:18 PM on March 27, 2007

I think I see what they're saying, but the presentation makes it all seem so trite.

I'm not thankful I had an abusive childhood. Why should I be? Abuse is not something to feel gratitude over. What I am thankful for are the loving people who were also a part of my life, who helped me move past that dark time and become the person I am today. Had I not had an abusive childhood, I wouldn't be this person, but you know, I'd be somebody else. That Somebody might be perfectly happy, too. Either way, I'm here, and I'm your average, basically happy person. That's what I'm thankful for.

The point is to not dwell on the bad. I think "filling your heart with gratitude" over the bad stuff is almost as bad as being angry about it for the rest of your life. Just, y'know, move on. Get help if you need it, but move on. Because no matter how many times you say, "Thank God I was raped" or whatever... what the hell are the odds you actually feel gratitude? Don't lie to yourself. That solves nothing.
posted by katillathehun at 6:51 PM on March 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

"creepily masochistic self-help concepts"?

i don't find anything "creepily masochistic" about the (tibetan) buddhist version of the "thank god x" approach.

presupposing a belief in the law of karma, it goes like this:
* somebody does some evil to you
* in doing so, they accumulate negative karma upon themselves
* simultaneously, they erase some of your stored-up negative karma

in other words, they transfer your karmic debt to themselves. as such, they are actually doing you a favour, whether they know it or not, and you should really be thankful for this & turn the other cheek.

of course, you can descend into endless spirals if you start wondering if this hidden benefit for you means that your negative karma has not actually been erased. similarly, if they perform this act of self-harming altruism, then maybe they are actually accumulating positive karma, which would then make them cynically evil, whereby the karma becomes negative again, whereby (etc ad infinitum).

this sort of paradox is a little too hard for me to solve, so rather than head towards some sort of zen mind explosion, it seems better to meditate on perfect mandalas, where the laws behind these things work with diamondlike precision, not to mention colourful harmony.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:30 PM on March 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Sounds like someone had one too many joints for the day...
posted by c13 at 9:12 PM on March 27, 2007

Thank God I just got laid.
posted by LordSludge at 10:11 PM on March 27, 2007

I thank God for not existing.
I thank God the things that happen to me are just -- things that happen.

I thank God that, though I am just as dumb as anybody else, evil vampires like these have to work a little harder to snooker me out of my money.
posted by Methylviolet at 11:08 PM on March 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Thank god the nutjob Christians and dictatorial Presidents are being mocked so very, very much these days. I think it's a sign of a sea change. The citizens have had enough; they begin to rebel.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:34 AM on March 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

On his website:
John – This is not clear in meaning: “My hope in sharing is simply in the sharing,” and as I am not sure what you mean, I cannot change it to give it clearer meaning.
Looks like an editor didn't realize that anyone can read his comments...
posted by Deathalicious at 4:20 AM on March 28, 2007

Thank God some idiots drove two airplanes into the office buildings down the street; the real estate market really needed to cool off, and I got a month's vacation!

Also, Thank God for tsunami, earthquakes, global warming, lynching, and genocide.
posted by anotherpanacea at 4:51 AM on March 28, 2007

Thank god i was Left Behind and won't have to listen to christian bullshit anymore.
posted by mr_book at 5:36 AM on March 28, 2007

Now there's a certain logic here: If being stupid, being gang-raped by apes, or being the new James Bond and having your testicles repeatedly and implausibly battered by a knotted rope because you won't give up the password for the account containing your Texas Hold'em winnings is what it takes to make you find Jesus and secure yourself a place in Heaven, then that's a Good Thing. After all, life here on Earth is finite; the afterlife is infinite. What's a little suffering compared to an eternity of bliss?

Similarly, the best thing you can do for your kids is to kill them. Kill them now while they're pure and innocent, so they'll be assured a place in heaven.

Doesn't work that way? You mean if a 2 year old dies, he necessarily suffers an eternity of hellfire and torment?? Ah, then thank God for being an unjust God.
posted by LordSludge at 6:08 AM on March 28, 2007

The logic here is pretty clear, it's the fact that the grateful sufferers are able to maintain their commitments to that logic in the face of its absurdity that strikes me....
posted by anotherpanacea at 6:28 AM on March 28, 2007

anotherpanacea:'s the fact that the grateful sufferers are able to maintain their commitments to that logic in the face of its absurdity that strikes me....

Well, the shittier your life is, the more attractive a blissful afterlife is.
posted by LordSludge at 7:20 AM on March 28, 2007

As cliche as it is to express, difficulty in life can deepen and alter a person's character to a certain extent, at least if they are able to respond to the difficulty in the right way; I think this is evident throughout social behaviorism and psychology in general, that even consciousness arises out of conflict, and knowledge & awareness in general can only be brought about through some level of friction or complication.

However, all of that sort of erases the whole idea of God to start with, as he's meant to be some kind of unified absolute omniscient being, which by this theory of knowledge is impossible (knowledge can't be a finished totality, only a process of comparison and conflict).
posted by mdn at 9:24 AM on March 28, 2007

Or, more pithily, "Pain is G*d's megaphone" -- C.S. Lewis

I know people who've been kinked and outright torqued well away from G*d by pain, though, so your mileage may and probably will vary over time. "Thank G*d I was raped" sounds like the "torqued" variety to me. While I believe everything does happen for a reason, I think it's intellectually and spiritually immature to rationalize that all of it is therefore good. Evil happens to people and they can grow from it or be consumed and ruined by it -- or wind up really damaged in their faith journeys (and get called "stupid" for it to boot).

Sadly, for some people, G*d and religion are presented to them in such a way that encountering Him (Her?) and it are among the bad things that happen to them, I feel as badly for them, and I suspect the originator of the FPP's linked article is among them. (Maybe a few posters here in the blue as well.)

Back in the day when this book was new, a lot of us were all grateful for how it helped us grapple with terrible stuff...this one, too.
posted by pax digita at 10:21 AM on March 28, 2007

pax digita: I was just checking out the first chapter of Kushner's book earlier this morning. for reasons related to this thread. (Sorry, no divine coincidence!) Looks really good so far -- I'd kinda like to read the rest of it to see where he jumps the shark makes his leap of faith.

For contrast, check out this essay on the similar problem of How Can A Good God Allow Evil?. It's horrible. I want to annotate it with all the logical errors and send it back to the author. Heh: "Probe Ministries".
posted by LordSludge at 12:26 PM on March 28, 2007

Looks really good so far -- I'd kinda like to read the rest of it to see where he jumps the shark makes his leap of faith

He seems to make his leap of faith right out of the gate - he never considers that religion could be wrong in that chapter, only which of various interpretations best fits with his notion of God. And by the end of it, he seems to be going for an interpretation where it's not God's fault at all, which means either God's not omnipotent or he's not omnibenevolent.
posted by mdn at 3:07 PM on March 28, 2007

Really, this thread is deserving of A Red Meat interpretation.
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:51 PM on March 28, 2007

I thank yahwe for the backspace key.
ye gods beneath us!
posted by Busithoth at 6:05 PM on March 29, 2007

Thank god my Unitarian Universalist Sunday School had a curriculum called "Why Do Bad Things Happen" when I was in third grade so I already knew all this stuff and didn't have to wait until I saw this website to figure it out.
posted by etoile at 5:42 PM on April 5, 2007

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