They're coming to get you, Barbra
June 13, 2007 7:12 AM   Subscribe

 
Seems like an idea that would have worked a lot better if there was more of a heads-up.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 7:22 AM on June 13, 2007


When the zombies came, they gave us little warning.

When the bloggers followed, they gave us littler still.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:25 AM on June 13, 2007


OMG there are totally like zombies outside my window and I am commenting on Metafilter. Aaaaah they ate my foot!
posted by ND¢ at 7:28 AM on June 13, 2007


They're coming to get you Barbara!
posted by fallenposters at 7:29 AM on June 13, 2007


TOTALL SAFETY IN MY HOUS E FOLOW MOANS TO GET HEER

BRIGN BBQ SAUS
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:32 AM on June 13, 2007 [4 favorites]


It's only a problem for the unprepared. Everyone knows burricks hate the undead, which is why those of us with foresight saw fit to have the beasts stabled in the basements of our homes. What should be of greater concern is the heightened crime in the vicinity...
posted by Smart Dalek at 7:39 AM on June 13, 2007 [2 favorites]


..OF YOUR BRAINS
posted by eddydamascene at 7:42 AM on June 13, 2007 [2 favorites]


Send more paramedics!
posted by Cookiebastard at 7:44 AM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]


If the zombies come you'll find me in a pharmacy eating OxyContin out of a bowl like it's breakfast cereal.
posted by The Straightener at 7:48 AM on June 13, 2007 [2 favorites]


It would be fun to do it from the point of view of the zombie.

"Boy, this house cleaning sure is making me hungry. Better head over to the neighbors to get a quick snack."
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:48 AM on June 13, 2007


Remember: axes don't need ammo.
posted by SentientAI at 7:51 AM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]


The armageddon will not be digitized.
posted by ZachsMind at 7:52 AM on June 13, 2007


Zombie-themed lolcats are the new boarded-up windows.
posted by No-sword at 7:55 AM on June 13, 2007


I've often thought that if the zompocalypse comes that I will try to take over a Wal-Mart SuperCenter. You have guns, food, medicine, batteries, camping gear, everything that you would need to survive for years. When the shit goes down I will just get all my friends and relatives together and barricade ourselves in a Wal-Mart before it gets looted. Wait for the cavalry.
posted by ND¢ at 7:56 AM on June 13, 2007


... while eating OxyContin out of a bowl like it's breakfast cereal of course.
posted by ND¢ at 7:56 AM on June 13, 2007


When the shit goes down I will just get all my friends and relatives together

Bring a few enemies, in case the zombies get in.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:59 AM on June 13, 2007


My in-laws will come too I suppose.
posted by ND¢ at 8:03 AM on June 13, 2007


Gimme one of those lil white babies..yeah that one.
posted by doctorschlock at 8:09 AM on June 13, 2007


Would you like fries with that........
posted by doctorschlock at 8:10 AM on June 13, 2007


It will be cool/scary when someone executes this or another hoax across the blogosphere orson welles style. It will take a lot of people in on it, and a lot of secrecy.
posted by poppo at 8:12 AM on June 13, 2007


It would be fun to do it from the point of view of the zombie.

Zombie Blogger cannot BELIEVE that you think Ralph dreams of being a viking! No, no! Zombie Blogger will not eat your brains because it will make him stupider!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:31 AM on June 13, 2007 [4 favorites]


ND¢, windows on a walmart are too big and too many. i recommend the zombie survival guide.
posted by andywolf at 8:38 AM on June 13, 2007


I read it after asking this question, but I preferred World War Z.

I was thinking that I could board up the windows with the shelves.
posted by ND¢ at 8:41 AM on June 13, 2007


Not to mention that zombies are one thing. Walmart zombies? A whole different breed, man...

Guns... must have guns...
posted by electriccynic at 8:42 AM on June 13, 2007


paging Astrozombie.
posted by mwhybark at 8:59 AM on June 13, 2007


Both The Zombie Survival Guide and The Walking Dead have taught us that a prison is where you want to hole up when Hell becomes full. Because everyone who survives the initial onslaught is gonna rush for the obvious places like Wal-Mart, the hospital, the military base, et cetera. Hmm...now that I think of it, an animal shelter might be a secure base. They have lots of fences and bars and stuff, plenty of human-edible pet food, and you can have the dogs help defend you. And eat the cats, I suppose.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 9:51 AM on June 13, 2007


Bet no-one else has thought of heading to a Wal-Mart.

Bet there wouldn't be an apocalyptic battle among tooled-up survivalists in the car park, while Air on a G String played in the background and the zombies slowly shambled toward the last remnants of humanity as they killed each other.
posted by Happy Dave at 10:10 AM on June 13, 2007


My SO an I always had a plan to commandeer a COSTCO in such an event. I mean, seriously. Who wants to wait out an apocalyps without an aisle full of 10 lb. jugs of red vines?


Also, I will probably keep reading this to see what happens.
posted by mediocrates at 10:14 AM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]


Awyeah. I'm all over this like flies on a zombie's zit.
posted by katillathehun at 10:38 AM on June 13, 2007


When you guys run up to my fortified Wal-Mart, with zeds hot on your heels, begging to be let in, I am going to remember the mocking. Oh yes I will remember.
posted by ND¢ at 10:40 AM on June 13, 2007 [2 favorites]


Bet no-one else has thought of heading to a Wal-Mart.

Why should they? There are plenty of Targets around. Just because it's the Apocalypse, there's no reason to look cheap.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:52 AM on June 13, 2007 [4 favorites]


It's Wednesday. Screw walmart, I am heading to the comics shop. Zombies or not, I need my comics.
posted by JeremyT at 11:07 AM on June 13, 2007


It's Wednesday. Screw walmart, I am heading to the comics shop. Zombies or not, I need my comics.

Probably a good strategy, since everyone at the comics shop would know how to deal with the situation.

"I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage."
posted by deanc at 11:16 AM on June 13, 2007


Also, everyone down there owns at least one replica sword. Those have got to be useful for something.
posted by JeremyT at 11:18 AM on June 13, 2007


Fuck that. If the zombies come I'm doing it up Shawn of the Dead-style and headed to the local pub. You know, the one on the second floor with only two access points, both of which have wrought-iron gates on them? But yeah, only after I head over to the local bus property and grab a bus, putting my CDL to good use, finally. And maybe stopping by a local biker shop so I can pick up some leather motorcycle armor (if it's good enough for skidding down the road at 30mph it's good enough for stopping the occasional zombie bite.) And I probably should, before doing any of this stuff, head back to my house and grab my set of golf clubs, and maybe my grandfather's old ceremonial naval sword, since that could come in handy in a pinch. Then there's the matter of . . .
posted by thecaddy at 11:58 AM on June 13, 2007


Also, everyone down there owns at least one replica sword. Those have got to be useful for something.

Like shattering on impact, you must mean! Really, you're probably better off with hardware and sporting goods -- a nice weighty hammer with good balance (close stuff), a baseball bat (distance), etc. Guns sound like a good idea, but they run out of ammo, and in the panicked hands of an inexperienced user would probably be at least as dangerous to oneself and one's companions as would the actual zombies. I doubt chainsaws would be wise in real life, either; too unwieldy. More than anything, though, I think it would be prudent to follow the Hurricane Katrina disaster prevention plan: Run, bitch, RUN!
posted by kittens for breakfast at 12:06 PM on June 13, 2007


Oh! I'm so playing along. Seems like fun and I love zombies.
posted by FunkyHelix at 12:13 PM on June 13, 2007


I'm so disappointed in you all. Has none of you even played Dead Rising? For shame. You hang out at the mall with the heliport on the roof. Doh!
posted by misha at 12:25 PM on June 13, 2007


(Have none of you?) No one has, but...it still sounds odd.
posted by misha at 12:27 PM on June 13, 2007


It's quiet now...too quiet.

We boarded up the windows with the plywood we used to use when the big storms threatened. Funny how we used to think that was our biggest worry.

The younger kids have been polishing up on their skills, hitting the Xbox 360 in turns while the rest of us kept guard at the windows, peeking through the sunlit splits where the wood doesn't quite line up. We think we're safe for now--they seem to prefer the night for their attacks--but it's only a matter of time before the pizza and Twizzlers run out, and someone will have to go for a food run.

By unspoken consent, we've avoided the Walmarts where they congregate, and hit the small mom-and-pop operations for the staples--soda for the caffeine buzz to keep us going, zippo lighters (fire still scares the hell out of 'em, but we're not sure how long that will last; with each successive raid, they seem to grow more cunning), any potential weapons we can lay our hands on. Billy and Dimitri came up with some kind of improvised flame-thrower we load up with Aqua-net Hairspray and let fly--you should have seen their little faces light up when the undead turned crispy.

Makes me hopeful for the next generation, when we finally get out of this.

If we ever get out of this.

(from one of my blogs, cos I didn't want to self-link)
posted by misha at 12:56 PM on June 13, 2007


To all the supermarket lovers: What you want to do is hit those places first. Loot whatever you want, get a couple trucks full of supplies, but do not stay there. There are too many entrances to cover. You want to go to Home Depot or Builder's Square, one of those giant warehouse supply stores with the metal rafters fifty feet up. Get some lumber, rope, and pulleys, and build yourself a house in the rafters. The place can fill up with the undead and you will be safely out of their reach. If you insist on getting a gun, you can do target practice from the comfort of your own home.

Of course, if your first instinct in the event of a zombie apocalypse is to post on your blog, you are doomed. And no, you can't live in my rafter-house.
posted by Saellys at 1:00 PM on June 13, 2007


This seems like a kind of silly idea. I mean who would blog during a zombie attack? And how would there still be power? Even given all that, it’s more likely that any given blog entry would be perfectly normal just before the event, except ominous given the context.

Some idiots are pounding on my door. Probably some teenagers or something. brb.
posted by Smedleyman at 1:22 PM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]


I want to see the Twitter public timeline filled with nothing but "Brains.... brainssss..."
posted by buriednexttoyou at 3:56 PM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]


Well, I'm doing it.
posted by brundlefly at 4:16 PM on June 13, 2007


(from my blog)

Okay, the power is back on so I am writing this real quick message to let everyone know that I am okay. (Gnomeloaf - thank you for getting in touch with me - thank you thank you thank you)

It’s bad, it’s really really bad - thank GOD I noticed that my son's bus driver was muttering something about “brains” before he got on the bus. (There was no one else on the bus; I can only hope other parents noticed the same thing, rather than the only other reason the bus would be empty.)

We’ve hidden up in the attic (it is INSANELY hot up here), watching the street from the window. I haven’t seen Mr. Whitney all day - there is a graveyard not too far from his building at his work.

All the websites are jammed I have no idea if this thing is widespread or not. I hope it’s not.

So we’re okay, except I think I hear someone trying to get in downstairs -
posted by Lucinda at 5:44 PM on June 13, 2007


ok, I'm in.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:55 PM on June 13, 2007


I have my post up. And all I can say is that I live in Montana, and you urban type folk are screwed!
posted by Wulfgar! at 6:20 PM on June 13, 2007


Oh god, brundlefly! They got you!
posted by tracicle at 7:33 PM on June 13, 2007


Yay! Okay, this is how it turned out on my journal. I actually had a friend call in a panic to check on me and to tell me she was going to come pick me up until all the weirdness stopped.

I have awesome friends.
posted by FunkyHelix at 7:38 PM on June 13, 2007


dfgaljnlkkea fie
fldoal;kjsdf';jksa';'gf
posted by brundlefly at 12:02 AM on June 14, 2007


/lk;asdhox;l
posted by brundlefly at 12:41 AM on June 14, 2007


A day late and a pound short, the BBC joins in this morning with "FBI tries to fight zombie hordes."
posted by mwhybark at 7:47 AM on June 14, 2007


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