March 21, 2001
1:19 AM   Subscribe

"Tired of praying and waiting for His second coming, a group of scientists aims to clone Jesus Christ and fulfill the much awaited biblical prophecy." [via the PDI]
posted by lia (35 comments total)
from the website: "No longer can we rely on hope and prayer, waiting around futilely for Jesus to return. We have the technology to bring him back right now: there is no reason, moral, legal or Biblical, not to take advantage of it.


My favorite quote is "We must have a fertilized Jesus zygote no later than April of 2001 if Baby Jesus is to come to term on the predicted date" -- I thought that was so hilarious that the whole thing must be a joke, but reading through the rest of the site, I'm not too sure. There are, after all, millions of crackpots that just happen to be religious. What do you guys think?
posted by lia at 1:28 AM on March 21, 2001

HAHA. That's funny... BUT if these people are serious... well I dont know about everyone else, but I find this really frightening
posted by pehtes at 2:25 AM on March 21, 2001

I, for one, would be QUITE impressed if this happened. Think about it--Jurassic Park with religious icons:

"Over here's the Christ Pond, where the flock takes its daily stroll across the lake. To your left, you can hear the calls of our Muhammeds, each reciting the Qu'ran in rounds. This way to the cafeteria, folks!"
posted by one.louder.ash! at 2:36 AM on March 21, 2001

Sorry to not be jocular about this, but I don't see why anyone would think that a clone of X would be the second coming of X, whoever X is. I mean, making someone else with the same genetic material as me doesn't mean you're remaking me. I've never understood why people are so creeped out by that aspect of cloning.

Now, the expense, the wasting of embryos and the sheer selfishness of wanting little copies of yourself, I can see why that's reason to think that cloning is silly. But it's not a kind of reincarnation.
posted by grestall at 3:55 AM on March 21, 2001

Grestall, I completely agree with the first paragraph of your post. Isn't that what the point of this film was?

(You'll excuse me. Most of my reference points come from movies.)
posted by toddshot at 4:16 AM on March 21, 2001

From the site: "Throughout the Christian world are churches that contain Holy Relics of Jesus' body: his blood, his hair, his foreskin."

Wow. Jesus' foreskin.
posted by Dick Paris at 4:40 AM on March 21, 2001

Did anyone read the part about needing a virgin to be artificially inseminated with Jesus, to carry him to term? I'm tempted to volunteer, just because it's so absurd, but sadly, I don't qualify.
posted by lia at 4:41 AM on March 21, 2001

Yeah, Dick, I shuddered when I read that, too.

I mean, think about it. 2,000 years. Can you imagine what that foreskin would be like? I can't imagine that to be "uncorrupt," or whateverthehell they called it.
posted by one.louder.ash! at 4:47 AM on March 21, 2001

Holy smegma! This would be very cool if it were true and, after all this time, possible. I don't mean that Jesus might be coming back or something; that's not ever going to happen. I mean if it were true that someone actually planned to attempt cloning from 'relics' of various holy figures, and that the owners of those valuable tourist attractions were going to let it happen.

All those little shriveled pieces of something or other would turn out to be little bits of piggies and so on. And when different churches claiming to have relics of Christ (or Mary or whoever) turned out to have samples from different people, imagine the squabbles! "No, we have Christ's foreskin!"
posted by pracowity at 5:55 AM on March 21, 2001

Can you imagine what that foreskin would be like?

A bit crunchy.

But seriously, since most holy relics are frauds from the 10th and 11th centuries these "scientists" wouldn't be cloning Jesus anyway -- they'd probably wind up with the clone of some beggar or monk who'd been murdered to provide a focal point for pilgrims visiting a new cathedral.
posted by MrBaliHai at 6:00 AM on March 21, 2001

Lets assume for just a moment that someone did somehow manage to get hold of Christ's DNA, successfully impregnated some poor virgin somewhere and she successfully gives birth.

What happens when that child turns 14 or so, develops an attitude and decides to wear a Marilyn Manson t-shirt to school?
posted by normy at 6:08 AM on March 21, 2001

Clone him? Why not just get the action figure:
posted by cornbread at 6:10 AM on March 21, 2001

Preformed a quick "Whois" on and found that the owner also has the domain - a pulp fiction (type) publishing house...this leads me to believe that the whole cloning thing is nothing but a wonderfully twisted lark.
posted by s.carrier at 6:16 AM on March 21, 2001

When the last link on the page goes to a place called Feral House selling a book called "Apocalypse Culture II" which includes an article by one Kristan Lawson in re:, whose domain is registered to the aforementioned Feral House then one would be led to believe that it's nothing more than a promotional stunt (by the same person who published the Unabomber Manifesto).

More at
posted by xiffix at 6:21 AM on March 21, 2001

Beat me to it, s.carrier.
posted by xiffix at 6:23 AM on March 21, 2001

Oh darn. And here I was considering one of those hymen reconstruction surgeries so I could bear the reincarnation of OLAS (Our Lord and Saviour).
posted by lia at 6:34 AM on March 21, 2001

this leads me to believe that the whole cloning thing is nothing but a wonderfully twisted lark.

hmm....what seems to be a profitable one as well. I wonder how much they've collected so far?

BTW, Jesus is alive and well :>
posted by samsara at 6:44 AM on March 21, 2001

lia, you could always reclaim your virginity in a less obtrusive way. (adultish type link)
posted by lescour at 6:51 AM on March 21, 2001

Heh. I first saw the Clone Jesus site about a year ago... when they said they needed the fertilized zygote by April of 2000.
posted by nickmark at 7:12 AM on March 21, 2001

All they will end up with is a guy that can sell the hell out of used cars.
posted by bradth27 at 7:51 AM on March 21, 2001

That's a very scary idea. I'm not extremely big on reglion, but I wouldn't play around with anything like that.

I can see this as the Fifth Omen Movie. Cujoe's better at pitches than I am, but here's a try.

New, from 20th Century Fox:

"The Millienium has arrived. The signs are all there. "

Cut to a shot of the Seattle Earthquake, the Nor'Easters last month, and the inaugaration of Dubya.

"The World cannot wait. The Second Coming must happen now, or never."

Cut to a few sequences of political strife, science labs and the Vatican. In an area below the church, the Legendary seven Daggers of Meggido sit, polished to their spit shine glory.

In a nutshell Two forces are striving to make clones. One faction wants to clone Jesus, the other wants to clone the antichrist from the remains of Damian Thorn. The bad guys get to finish theirs first in Episode One, the Good Guys finish in Episode II, and then the big battle happens in Episode III.

Oh, yeah.
posted by Cavatica at 8:09 AM on March 21, 2001

Dang, so we have, norm (although it doesn't get a hit in a search for "clone jesus").
posted by lia at 8:41 AM on March 21, 2001

Too long for a movie pitch, Cavatica, but otherwise pretty good. If you can get Ahnold to star, I think we've got a deal.
posted by kindall at 9:16 AM on March 21, 2001

It would be funny if we cloned Jesus, and he just grew up listening to hip-hop and then got a job in advertising.
posted by sixfoot6 at 9:53 AM on March 21, 2001

imagine the advertising that would come out of that...
"Buy this car, or my Dad will burn you in Hell"
Oh crap, am I going to get crap for that, or what....
posted by bradth27 at 10:04 AM on March 21, 2001

I had heard this recently from Joe Rogan's CD I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday. Out of the recent comedians' I've heard, Rogan is almost up there with Bill Hicks (just wish Rogan showed more compassion on stage). Here is his performance in Houston from November 2001 (It's a 7.8 MB download, I couldn't get the streaming link to work right). I found it hilarious, but it might be too graphic for some. Anyway, the bit about Jesus is 3:45 into the clip.

posted by the biscuit man at 10:39 AM on March 21, 2001

Hicks was simply amazing. Rogan's not too bad himself, and from what I understand, he hits Houston pretty regularly. Luckily for me, one of our local video stores (Waterloo, for all of you just-finished SXSWers) rents out Bill Hicks live performances...pretty intense.
posted by one.louder.ash! at 12:48 PM on March 21, 2001

I endorse this idea whole-heartedly, if only to demonstrate to born again Christians that Jesus would, as sixfoot6 suggests, give into the worst impulses that the 21st century has to offer. Or perhaps he can acknowledge the missing first page of the Bible that reads: "All events are fictitious. Any resemblance is purely coincidental."

While we're at it, why not clone the first Dalai Lama (who could argue about his later reincarnations), Krishna, Mohammed, Parmenides and other religious figures? I want to see all religious icons cloned and thrown into a ring on national TV, ready to duke it out with each other, last man standing.
posted by ed at 2:46 PM on March 21, 2001

But seriously, since most holy relics are frauds from the 10th and 11th centuries

How about the Shroud of Turin, although the FAQ says:

"The DNA from the blood has been tested and shows that it is from a human being but is too badly degraded to determine more than that. The blood is also AB Pos but most blood that is that old all tends to type AB+. All we can really say is that the blood is human blood. The Vatican has banned all future DNA testing for fear that some wacko from a renegade laboratory would try to clone Jesus..."
posted by lagado at 3:21 PM on March 21, 2001

Heh. The clone-Jesus-from-the-Shroud plotline has already been done in an episode of The Outer Limits called, not surprisingly, The Shroud.
posted by phichens at 5:02 PM on March 21, 2001

Okay, so does hair have DNA in it?
posted by lagado at 6:40 PM on March 21, 2001

I think it depends on the hair, lagado. If the root's still intact they can get a decent reading, but I think even then it has to be fairly fresh. Dredging that data from my memory though, which is less than reliable at the best of times.
posted by cCranium at 6:01 AM on March 22, 2001

> What happens when that child turns 14 or so, develops an
> attitude and decides to wear a Marilyn Manson t-shirt to
> school?

Don't bug him about it, he'll turn you into a newt.
posted by jfuller at 2:41 PM on March 23, 2001

The Clone Jesus project is a hoax. A publicity stunt. Nuff said, mates.
posted by brownpau at 6:00 AM on March 24, 2001

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