Say No To Grandpa Joe
November 18, 2007 5:10 AM   Subscribe

Say No to Grandpa Joe. Exposing the "dark underbelly" of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: finally, in one place, a body of categorised analysis and evidence, footnoted and attributed, proving conclusively that Grandpa Joe is a "ratbag industrial spy bastard".
posted by chrismear (31 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
Oooooo quirky link there chrismear.

We don't really have enough posts tagged with ratbag.
posted by gomichild at 5:26 AM on November 18, 2007

How is it that I missed this. Oh, yes, that's why.
posted by parmanparman at 5:32 AM on November 18, 2007

So? Willy Wonka is a ruthless industrialist who relies on slave labor for production. He's also quite possibly a serial child murderer.

It's a bad deal all around.
posted by psmealey at 5:38 AM on November 18, 2007 [4 favorites]

Love the essays, here's a bit from the BeefTheTroll (take that Grandpa Joe [BIFF!/BANG!/POW!]):

And what song is he singing? "I've Got a Golden Ticket." Wait, WHO'S got a Golden Ticket, you worthless bag of bones? CHARLIE, that's who. CHARLIE. Charlie, who had to get down on his hands and knees and grab the coin out of a nasty, filthy storm drain. Charlie, who was on his way to work to earn enough money to pay for your tobacco. Charlie, who had to sit with sad eyes while his classmates spoke of eating several hundred delicious Wonka bars apiece, while he had to humiliate himself by admitting he'd only been able to afford two. CHARLIE has that Golden Ticket. NOT YOU, you unbelievable, reeking turd. OH, how I hate you.
posted by the_very_hungry_caterpillar at 5:43 AM on November 18, 2007

tvhc: I like the song, too:
What do you do when you're old as the hills?
Pee in a bucket and gobble down pills!
That is, unless, you are faking disease.
Then, you can go to hell, IF! YOU! PLEASE!

Grandpa Joe's a fucking jerk!

If you're not mooching, you are okay.
Pulling your weight's the right thing to do.
Like the Oompa-Loompa-Doompaty-Doo!
posted by MtDewd at 6:19 AM on November 18, 2007

Oompah, loompah, doompa-di-doo
I've got another riddle for you;
Who writes a site that mocks our cherished books?
Accusing its heroes of being petty crooks?
What's the point of peeing on parades?
When life does that anyway in ample spades?
Oompah, loompah, doompa-di-doo
A rumour's not right just 'cause it sounds true.
Mudslinging's rude and it's not at all right;
All you'll do is inspire folks to fight.
If you want to be gay instead of existential blue,
Just work, don't think, like the Oompah-Loomp do.
posted by CheeseburgerBrown at 6:30 AM on November 18, 2007 [14 favorites]

I like that 'Ratbag,' 'Industrial Spy' and 'Bastard' each have their own index.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:55 AM on November 18, 2007

Anyone who's ever read much of Roald Dahl should know there's a really dark undercurrent in his work; not all of his books are appropriate for seven-year-olds (as my mother was nonplussed to discover at read-aloud time).

It's hardly mocking to draw attention to that.
posted by Jeanne at 7:12 AM on November 18, 2007

Jeanne, they're basing it all on the movie, it appears. Still, in the book Charlie was a saint, as was his granpa Joe. They didn't even sample the fizzy lifting drink.
posted by piratebowling at 7:20 AM on November 18, 2007

I've been saying Grandpa Joe is a dick for years. I'm glad I'm not alone.
posted by dogwelder at 7:49 AM on November 18, 2007

next you're gonna tell us the smurfs were communists, right?

(actually, it'd be interesting to compare & contrast....)
posted by jdfalk at 8:07 AM on November 18, 2007

A little known Roald Dahl script.
posted by b1tr0t

Wait, your saying Roald Dahl wrote Metafilter? I Can't wait to see the movie.
posted by Sailormom at 8:26 AM on November 18, 2007

Well, evilness aside, I think this is my new favorite Grandpa Joe... I love the way he gracefully jumps out of bed. And his songbird voice makes me cry. *bravo!*
posted by miss lynnster at 8:35 AM on November 18, 2007

Back in high school we were all obsessed with the idea of Charlie & The Chocolate Factory being some kind of allegory of Dante's Inferno... kind of like The Natural is an allegory for the King Arthur stuff. I haven't seen the movie in a while, so I have no idea if this is borne out in the film, but wouldn't that be awesome?!

preview: are we talking about the book now? Me and my philistinism.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 9:04 AM on November 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

This always bothered me about the movie. They drank the soda. They BROKE THE RULES. They deserved nothing.
posted by Area Control at 9:15 AM on November 18, 2007

Based on the 2005 movie? Psh. It's all about the book and the original film version. Crazed Gene Wilder > Johnny Depp as Michael Jackson with a chocolate factory.
posted by fructose at 9:20 AM on November 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

Darn - when I saw the title of this post I thought it was a takedown of Sen. Lieberman...
posted by twsf at 10:44 AM on November 18, 2007

I always hated the idea of four grown and able bodied people to lazy to get their asses out of bed so they relied on a boy to provide for them.

And the fact that Wonka wanted a protege to be exactly like him, not a free thinker, a clone.
posted by fenriq at 10:45 AM on November 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Well, I always though Willy Wonka himself was a dark pervert. I mean, look at Gene Wilder at the end of the movie, when he's telling Charlie he won. He looks like some kind of pedophile. Creepy stuff.
posted by MythMaker at 11:06 AM on November 18, 2007

The original movie is actually an allegory for the fall and redemption of man.
posted by empath at 11:20 AM on November 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

I remember this page from 1999.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 11:26 AM on November 18, 2007

I like the Al Gore version best.
posted by humanfont at 11:31 AM on November 18, 2007

Actually, the creepiest part of the whole thing for me was the way he looks at Charlie at the end. It really was a bit too... longingly. And when he plucked the hair from Mike TV's head.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:19 PM on November 18, 2007

Oh, and the severed chicken heads. What is this? A freak out!!!???

(Honestly, what kind of drugs were they on?)
posted by miss lynnster at 12:22 PM on November 18, 2007

The reason Grandpa Joe sings "I've Got A Golden Ticket" is because the kid playing Charlie couldn't sing.

If you wanted to make a real case for GJ being a bad guy, I'd think you'd have a much better case with the whole Fizzy Lifting Drinks situation (which arguably should've ended with he & Charlie being sliced & diced, following in the vein of the rest of the story).

Also, the remake is excrement.
posted by stinkycheese at 12:26 PM on November 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Man, every time a Dahl related link gets posted here, I get all excited in the hope that somebody will recognize that I am MetaFilter's Own Dahl Expert. And no one ever does.

But yeah, this page is so 1997. 95% of it comes from the movie, which was just such a complete bastardization of the book that it's ridiculous to compare the two. Take the laziness charge, for example. Um, in the book, Charlie's Dad is still around. He's there contributing to the upkeep of his parents too. Plus Grandpa Joe really is a lot older and more skeletal in the book, making the idea of him getting a job (when the able-bodied Mr. Bucket got fired from the toothpaste factory and can't even make a living shoveling snow) just ridiculous.

Also, just to clarify - the other four kids didn't get killed. They all walked out at the end, alive and well (but altered, to be sure). And Wonka still honors his word and gives them all their lifetime supplies of chocolate. He's not nearly the maniacal bastard the movie makes him out to be.
posted by web-goddess at 12:46 PM on November 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

I actually transcribed that whole script, b1tr0t. It was hilarious realizing just how much of it was a direct inspiration for Austin Powers.
posted by web-goddess at 8:28 PM on November 18, 2007

I think that Dahl was a misogynist.
posted by brujita at 10:06 PM on November 18, 2007

look, if grandpa Joe had recently, due to his age, and/or health became suddenly bed ridden than I would have been alright. But that wasn´t the case was it. He layed in that bed for twenty years. He must have been in his sixtys when he first layed down. I hated the fact that charlie picked that son of a bitch to go to the chocalate factory. Three times he chose him.

And what somebody said about the soda. They broke the rules. All they had to do was not drink the soda, then they supposedly take a moral high ground for not selling confidential secrets. That´s a crime. I don´t take pride in the fact that I don´t make a living robbing banks. No wonder that weirdo doesn´t let people in the factory. What a bunch of nut jobs.

/for the record- all my observations are from the original movie starring the always capricious Gene Wilder.
posted by LouieLoco at 4:55 AM on November 19, 2007

Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera..."Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera..."Memo bis punitor delicatum!" It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!
posted by neilkod at 8:54 AM on November 19, 2007

I thought the whole point of having them steal the soda was to emphasize that Charlie's good quality wasn't some unrealistic saintliness but the ability to screw up, admit your mistakes, and try to do better... The other kids lose not because they made the same mistakes as Charlie, but because theirs were sins of arrogance, selfishness, etc. Charlie was merely led astray by Grampa Joe.

I guess I was just never into having a flawless character as the hero.

That said, I did find Wonka's desire to find someone he could mold a bit creepy.
posted by marginaliana at 12:19 PM on November 19, 2007

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