"Let's be careful out there"
April 29, 2008 12:10 PM   Subscribe

Next time you thump an animal on the highway, don't just drive on like nothing happened. Stop, get out of your car, and measure the carcass for entry into the Roadkill Record Book Club.

The entry fee is only $10, and they accept PayPal, MasterCard, and Visa. Categories include Antlered Big Game, Predators, and Yucky Stuff. And "only measure what's left." (via)
posted by Kibbutz (22 comments total)
*weight before cooking
posted by quonsar at 12:26 PM on April 29, 2008 [4 favorites]

The only thing I've hit with my car that was alive was an oak tree... do you think that would count?
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:32 PM on April 29, 2008

How big was it?
posted by Kibbutz at 12:33 PM on April 29, 2008

It was much bigger than my Mom's chevy. (I had just turned 16 and had my license for about ten days.) The tree definitely won.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:36 PM on April 29, 2008

I think the closest category would be "antlered big game". It wasn't Yucky or a Predator.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:37 PM on April 29, 2008

This is hilarious, by the way. Thanks, Kibbutz!
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:38 PM on April 29, 2008

Driving South out of Gorham, NH, I hit, and killed, a fully grown bull moose. I didn’t think to measure it as it was 11:30PM and I was stranded with a totaled truck. It was really, really big though. As big as, well, a fully grown moose. Some scary dude in a pick-up claimed it for the meat and drove off with it. I’m not sure if the tow truck driver charged him anything to haul it into his truck.
posted by bondcliff at 1:01 PM on April 29, 2008

I've always stopped after a roadkill, but it never occured to me to measure it. Usually I just walk over to the carcass, yell PWND! and drive on.
posted by carsonb at 1:07 PM on April 29, 2008

When my kids were smaller we used to drive up and down the east coast on a pretty regular basis. Thus was born the Road Kill Journal, everything drawn and entered by species and condition. It was complete with competitions: spot the roadkill first; natural history lessons: groundhog or feral cat? and impromptu math lessons: an average of .37 roadkill per mile on I-95 between Charleston and Baltimore. Not to mention the ever enthralling opportunities for grisly commentary. But damn if I didn't miss that vital 3rd step so beautifully illustrated by this site: profit!
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:08 PM on April 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

more pics?
posted by yonation at 2:02 PM on April 29, 2008

Think that's funny? Check this out!

posted by crazylegs at 3:24 PM on April 29, 2008

On the Saw Mill Parkway (NY) near the Chappaqua/Reader's Digest building exit I saw a cop car with a reinforced bumper cage (not really a brush guard) hit a deer, who subsequently became caught in it and dragged for the entire deceleration from 80 to 0. On the return trip there was about an eighth of a mile of one lane that was covered in blood and pieces. Some redneck could have come along and basically just picked up individual servings.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 3:42 PM on April 29, 2008

Same topic done better, by Barry Lopez:
Apologia is a story that gives our vague sense of apprehension about brutality in the modern world a focus, and, because the narrator actually does something on behalf of animals killed on the road, it gives us reason to believe that we can retrieve our dignity and a sense of purpose from the indifferent circumstances of everyday life. It has long been a habit of writer Barry Lopez to remove dead animals from the road. At the conclusion of a journey from Oregon to Indiana in 1989, he wrote Apologia to explore the moral and emotional upheaval he experienced dealing with the dead every day. On the highway he encountered dozens of animals - raccoons, jackrabbits, porcupines, red foxes, sparrows, spotted skunks, owls, deer, gulls, badgers, field mice, garter snakes, barn swallows, pronghorn antelope, squirrels - all victims of vehicular destruction. Stopping for each body he saw, he gently removed each one from the road. Lopez's eloquent prose is accompanied by Robin Eschner's dramatic woodcuts.
posted by salvia at 4:10 PM on April 29, 2008

Oh, I say it again, HA! HA! HA! I remember the time a fawn got hit out in front of my house! Blew it right apart! I got to go out and shovel its heart, intestines, and other internal organs into the bushes! Oh, my wife and I, how we laughed!

Sometimes I got to drive through a frog crossing when I lived in Canada. At certain times of the year you could mash dozens of them beneath your wheels! HILARIOUS!

Once a deer ran out of the woods and hit my car! But she wasn't killed so she limped off into the woods! The ranger came with a rifle but couldn't find her! It probably took her days to die! Man, we laughed about that one!

Thank you so much for this post. It has brought back so many wonderful memories.
posted by crazylegs at 4:16 PM on April 29, 2008

My first 'diller.
posted by Tube at 4:21 PM on April 29, 2008

I'm with crazylegs on this one.

Crazylegs, have you heard the one about the Fish & Wildlife Service and the gray wolves? It'll slay you!
If you're a wolf.
Ha ha, get it?!?
posted by salvia at 4:25 PM on April 29, 2008

And because you wouldn't want a record holder to go to waste, why not cook it up while it's fresh? Unless you're near someplace that will do it for you, of course.
posted by Mr. Anthropomorphism at 6:34 PM on April 29, 2008

From the Gallery page:

"D.J.’s Trophy Board

D.J. is a much-loved 9-year-old South African Jack Russell Terrier owned by one of our founders. Since his arrival he has killed all of our outdoor cats, well over 100 raccoons, two coyotes, two skunks, dozens of possums, hundreds, (possibly thousands), of rabbits, squirrels, feral cats, moles, voles, shrews, mice, gophers, chipmunks, the odd bird and many, many snakes. A friend of ours picked up road kill for several months after meeting D.J., to permanently and rightfully honor this fine specimen of his breed. D.J.’s Trophy Board, comprised of all actual road kill…honors the world’s finest, best ever little dog."

This can't be serious... Can it? Do people really let their dogs kill all of their cats and hundreds of wild animals?
posted by chowflap at 7:52 AM on April 30, 2008

They should have a category for quantity...

My brother and I drove from Atlanta to the panhandle of Florida a couple of years back and took the I-185 spur down to Columbus. In, what, less than 100 miles, we counted about 80 dead deer on the side of the road. Apparently, during mating season, interstate highways are the place to hang out after dark.
posted by kjs3 at 8:07 AM on April 30, 2008


How did a great Red-tailed Hawk
come to lie - all stiff and dry -
on the shoulder of
Interstate 5?

Her wings for dance fans

Zac skinned a skunk with a crushed head
washed the pelt in gas; it hangs,
tanned, in his tent

Fawn stew on Hallowe'en
hit by a truck on highway forty-nine
offer cornmeal by the mouth;
skin it out.

Log trucks run on fossil fuel

I never saw a Ringtail til I found one in the road:
case-skinned it with the toenails
footpads, nose, and whiskers on;
it soaks in salt and water
sulphuric acid pickle;

she will be a pouch for magic tools.

The Doe was apparently shot
lengthwise and through the side-
shoulder and out the flank
belly full of blood

Can save the other shoulder maybe,
if she didn't lie too long -
Pray to their spirits. Ask them to bless us:
our ancient sisters' trails
the roads were laid across and kill them:
night-shining eyes

The dead by the side of the road.

- Gary Snyder
posted by crazylegs at 8:28 AM on April 30, 2008

We keep a "Hit List" at work. Ranges from armadillos to tarantulas during their migration. I hit a really stupid roadrunner the other day. Instead of running off the road he just kept running in front of me. Feathers and bird inards flew everywhere.
posted by bjgeiger at 10:31 AM on April 30, 2008


And that DJ dog listed on the site is the vermin serial killer of his area.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 12:57 PM on May 1, 2008

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