May 27, 2008 3:22 PM   Subscribe

One man's quest to photograph himself sporting every style of facial hair (give or take).
posted by Armitage Shanks (46 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
There's at least one missing, the one I'm sporting at the moment just for kicks is a looong chin-goatee minus any extra mustache or anything. I like to call it the "Kung-Fu Master Goatee" but that's just me. Basically the "Petit Goatee" as per the second link, only longer. And to pre-empt any snark, yeah it's ridiculous but I like it.
posted by pyrex at 3:34 PM on May 27, 2008

Looks like I chose the wrong week to go clean shaven.
I've got to try some of those beardly variations!
posted by bstreep at 3:35 PM on May 27, 2008

Impressive. Needs "hirsute" tag.
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:37 PM on May 27, 2008

Hmmm... I need a trim. Excuse me.
posted by yellowbinder at 3:42 PM on May 27, 2008

I've been on and off the job hunt for the past few months. About every fifth potential employer granting me an interview has warned me of a clean-shave policy, so the beard has come and gone a few times lately. It's good fun to hack it down to ridiculous cheeky convolutions, snap a pic, and SMS my mother a heart attack.
posted by carsonb at 3:45 PM on May 27, 2008

The only reason I would want to change my gender would be to grow ridiculous facial hair. Well, that and make more money.
I am filled with envy.
posted by smartyboots at 3:50 PM on May 27, 2008 [9 favorites]

I demand to see the Super Mario!
posted by shakespeherian at 3:51 PM on May 27, 2008

I think it's cute how people invent little projects for themselves and stuff.
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:53 PM on May 27, 2008

Yes, I demand to see the Super Mario, plus him in a red/blue outfit. RIGHT NAO.
posted by pyrex at 3:54 PM on May 27, 2008

"Kung-Fu Master Goatse"

posted by turgid dahlia at 3:55 PM on May 27, 2008 [4 favorites]

Who said that those are the standard terms? Just askin' here as there seems to be a fair amount of overlap between styles. Anyway, I have had facial hair pretty much forever, since 1977 or so. A few short clean shaven periods, but what I really want to do is rock the handlebar. Someone here must know him, I got the picture from the ROFLCON web site.
posted by fixedgear at 3:55 PM on May 27, 2008

Good project. He's missing what I call the Dr Shagnasty, which is a variant on the Winnfield where the sideburns are delineated by looping string around the each ear, gathering that string taut in the closest corner of the mouth, and trimming outside the angular shape thus created. The moustache is somewhat fuller than the Winnfield, too.

I'm banned from having one. So I only ever get a night or two of sneaky Shagnasty when transitioning from full beard to cleanshaven. But boy oh boy it's fun. Ladies, you're missing out.

(unrelated link)
posted by imperium at 3:56 PM on May 27, 2008

oh, pyrex, I think of that as the 'Scott Ian on VH1.'
posted by fixedgear at 3:57 PM on May 27, 2008

Super Mario
A mustache that grows from… Come on, man. You have too many bits. You can’t really grow this.
Status: Impossible

When I first saw the Super Mario mustache listed I really wanted to see him try that. I guess he gave up on that one!
posted by Deflagro at 4:06 PM on May 27, 2008

turgid dahlia - No. Just no. I um.. no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no, ad inifinitum.

- Had no idea who he was previously, but after a-Googlin'.. Umm.. I guess kind of like that, but [I like to think] classier. 'Classier' being the operative-yet-subjective word. I guess in the end it really depends on the person, and as such you just have to see me to determine if it suits me or not.
posted by pyrex at 4:07 PM on May 27, 2008

fixedgear: That's the dude from JibJab. And the mustache he's wearing is fake. It fell off during his panel at ROFLcon.
posted by signalnine at 4:10 PM on May 27, 2008

damn, guess I will have to do it myself....
posted by fixedgear at 4:11 PM on May 27, 2008

fixedgear, if you're ever able to pull that off.. be sure to post it, heh
posted by pyrex at 4:13 PM on May 27, 2008

Vandyke for the win!

/ yet another bald 30-something white male with a vandyke
// we are legion
posted by C.Batt at 4:27 PM on May 27, 2008

I wrote to him last week or so suggesting he grow what I now call the "Fu Man-Chin" (link to jpg I mocked up). He asked me if it's like the insect one, and I suppose it's kinda sorta like that, but I prefer to think of it as a fu-manchu with the "moustache" part below the lip.
posted by symbioid at 4:34 PM on May 27, 2008

*sigh* I envy this guy's voluminous growth rate. It takes me about a month for my beard to be respectable, two months for full strength. At that rate I could do all of those styles in about 10 years. Worst part--I have to shave everyday. Pity me.
posted by zardoz at 4:42 PM on May 27, 2008

I've always known the Van Dyke as a "gofu". Like a mashup of goatee and fu-manchu. Only recently have I learned it as the Van Dyke, and of course since I've learned that name, I've seen reference to it about a dozen times. Now I have to wonder if everyone I've ever said "gofu" to was silently trying to figure out what the hell I was talking about.
posted by cyclopticgaze at 4:58 PM on May 27, 2008

Also, I wish I could grow a full beard. Only have to shave twice a week is nice, though.
posted by cyclopticgaze at 5:01 PM on May 27, 2008

The Van Dyke has always been the pudding ring to me. Think 'comic book guy.' Best. Facial. Hair.Ever.
posted by fixedgear at 5:03 PM on May 27, 2008

My favourite was the "stripe" - mohawk, hitler moustache, and goatee, all the same width. I only had it a short while, it was too cosmopolitan for Bishkek.

OK, OK, and it made me look like a fucking idiot, I'll grant you that.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:14 PM on May 27, 2008

If only you had started with a unibrow like this guy, Meatbomb, you could have reached the true pinnacle of hirsute circumnavigation by shaving your extraneous eyebrows.
posted by oneirodynia at 5:35 PM on May 27, 2008 [1 favorite]

One time when I was making my usual (in my twenties) transition from Viking/Mountain Man/Middle Earth Hippie to Skinhead I had for a brief stoned moment (maybe an hour before I panicked that my friend would throw the clippers out the window) a Sunflower: Which is to say an Amish beard and a mohawk that was at 90 degrees to my spine instead of in line with it. It was horrible, pictures were taken, but my friend swears he never found the roll, which is why he's my friend for life.
posted by Divine_Wino at 5:36 PM on May 27, 2008 [2 favorites]

I really really enjoyed this. It's not just that he grows the hair, it's that he does a whole dress-up-and-mug thing that is totally charming. Also, I always try to explain "no hey baby maybe you should try to shave like this..." to explain something that I like and I always do a bad job of it, this will be a useful reference. I don't see my favorite though which is sort of like the El Insecto but on the lip not the chin. I saw some smoking hot guy with one on the bus one time and he was just sort of idly tonguing it looking out the window and I Could Not Look Away and yet I have no idea what it's called. If I could grow facial hair, I'd grow that one.
posted by jessamyn at 5:43 PM on May 27, 2008

Thanks to shitty nu metal and rap rock bands, there are a whole lot of other disgusting styles that could be added.
posted by Falconetti at 6:07 PM on May 27, 2008

The facial hair styles here are sorely lacking in terms of the gargantuan power beards. Any 19th century revolutionary would have said so. But the truly beard-obsessed man should make his life's endeavor the understanding of the facial hair of Friedrich Engels. Seriously, look at where the dude's moustache ends!

(As for me? A Vandyke, which I run a trimmer through periodically. Beard in the winter, but I never let it get too far.)
posted by graymouser at 6:35 PM on May 27, 2008

Metafilter: a night or two of sneaky Shagnasty

Thanks for this, Armitage - a very enjoyable diversion.
posted by ericbop at 6:36 PM on May 27, 2008

dammit! all i can grow is some worthless scruff! is there rogaine for beards?
posted by Mach5 at 6:39 PM on May 27, 2008

This guy's great; the facial expressions for each beard really make it work. I especially like the mouseover effect on the Hitlerstache.
posted by ook at 7:26 PM on May 27, 2008

Jessamyn, some of us guys can *only* grow that kind of 'stache. It's kind of a "reverse hitler". Also, the stupid Mexican at the beginning of Tombstone has one.
posted by notsnot at 7:35 PM on May 27, 2008

Thank god for this.

I've always said that what the Internet really lacks is people who will photograph themselves a lot for our viewing enjoyment.
posted by loiseau at 9:14 PM on May 27, 2008

No neck beard?

The neck beard is the coolest of them all!


Henry David Thoreau
Horace Greeley
Richard Wagner
posted by saslett at 10:25 PM on May 27, 2008

facial hair of Friedrich Engels. Seriously, look at where the dude's moustache ends!
To watch him speak would have terrified me. The length of the mustache must have amplified every movement and ditto the beard, so all his mouth movements must have resulted in grotesquely magnified expressions. (Or my imaginations running wild again)
posted by Catfry at 12:43 AM on May 28, 2008

facial hair of Friedrich Engels. Seriously, look at where the dude's moustache ends!

To watch him speak would have terrified me.

Speak, Hell, imagine watching him eat.

I love the way he editorializes each style with his facial expressions. The mouseover on the "toothbrush" is priceless.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:26 AM on May 28, 2008

Can you imagine being eaten out by Friedrich Engels? My God.
posted by Locative at 1:37 AM on May 28, 2008 [3 favorites]

posted by Catfry at 2:28 AM on May 28, 2008

Thanks Locative. Now I can. I hope you sleep as little as I, now.
posted by Jilder at 3:31 AM on May 28, 2008

Damn. Just days ago I shaved my beard off after not having seen the bottom half of my face for 2 years. I wish I could have seen this first; though for about 10 minutes I was rocking the Zappa before that went too.
posted by Venadium at 3:55 AM on May 28, 2008

When people ask me why I am growing a beard, I tell them, I can't help it.

Growing a beard is not an act of will.

One of the main reasons I let my beard grow, is so I do not look like my mother.

I am mostly bald, so having a substantial beard, makes me look as though my head is on upside down.
posted by dollyknot at 5:00 AM on May 28, 2008

One of my favorite things about growing a beard is then shaving it into something ridiculous that I keep on for the weekend. This chart will be very helpful in that endeavor.
posted by inigo2 at 6:58 AM on May 28, 2008

Dear God, but neckbeards creep me out so bad.
posted by Imperfect at 9:10 AM on May 28, 2008

« Older FBI After Vegans   |   Smoke and mirrors Newer »

This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments