Boris Johnson - War criminal
June 24, 2008 9:47 AM   Subscribe

As it happens, I also have in my possession a letter from the lawyers of Tariq Aziz, informing me that Mr Aziz wishes me to regard the cigar case as a gift.

Snap. The article is a little pompous and a little funny. Is that Johnson in a nutshell?
posted by rokusan at 10:04 AM on June 24, 2008

Well, it's Johnson at best. We'll be seeing his worst shortly.
posted by Artw at 10:07 AM on June 24, 2008

"It's okay to loot, everyone else did it." Good luck, England!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:20 AM on June 24, 2008 [1 favorite]

Is it too late for him to quietly slip it to Bush and call the authorities?
posted by mazola at 10:22 AM on June 24, 2008

Not only is he strange, but he's some sort of strange attractor for the strange.
posted by GuyZero at 10:24 AM on June 24, 2008

It was a little cocker spaniel dog, in a crate that he had sent all the way from Texas, black and white, spotted, and our little girl Tricia, the six year old, named it Checkers. And you know, the kids, like all kids, love the dog, and I just want to say this, right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it.
Richard Nixon, 23 September 1952
posted by grouse at 10:29 AM on June 24, 2008 [2 favorites]

As opposed to a little cocker spaniel cat?
posted by spicynuts at 10:36 AM on June 24, 2008

rokusan, not really. The pompous is a bit unfair. But you can add one part buffoon, one part philanderer, one part accessory to violence and one part racist.
posted by imperium at 10:37 AM on June 24, 2008

Rummy helped himself to a shard of the plane which hit the Pentagon, and was never called on it.
posted by porn in the woods at 10:43 AM on June 24, 2008

The comments on that article are comic gold.

When I say that, I'm assuming that comedy makes you want to throw up.
posted by Caduceus at 10:55 AM on June 24, 2008

As opposed to a little cocker spaniel cat?

Take that, Nixon!
posted by cortex at 10:56 AM on June 24, 2008

I cannot believe that this arsehole is in charge anything other than a can of Special Brew and a string vest.
posted by chuckdarwin at 10:57 AM on June 24, 2008 [2 favorites]

"Just when the police are trying to focus on beating knife crime and making the streets safe"

Knife crime! See what happens when you outlaw guns? You get messy knife attacks. Reading that sentence while I sit in American feels like I'm in a Harry Turtledove novel.
posted by mecran01 at 11:00 AM on June 24, 2008 [2 favorites]

posted by Addiction at 11:04 AM on June 24, 2008

There are 1,043,761 people in London who need kicking the the crotch right now.
--William Ellwood.
posted by crataegus at 11:12 AM on June 24, 2008

When hacks attacked Blair incessantly for months over cash for peerages, where no charges were ever brought and the whole thing was a storm in a teacup, it was seen by the Tory press as perfectly legitimate comment. How sweet it is to see Boris whining about how this is all nonsense cooked up by Labour supporters. I do hope it is, we need a bit of light relief.
posted by athenian at 11:16 AM on June 24, 2008

Dear Boris,

I am happy my letter of provenance reached your solicitors unharmed. The filthy hoi polloi can be a dreadful nuisance with their complaints of looting and death and such, what?

As agreed, in exchange for the cigar case, I do very much look forward to you sending your gimp suit and other rubber gear at your earliest convenience. There's not much to do here in Iraq, with everything being reduced to rubble, and I am hoping to hold the most splendid private party in your honor.

Please "enjoy" (ha-ha) the complementary cigars I have included with this letter.

Your dear old school chum,
Tariq Aziz, Esq., CBE, RIAA
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:18 AM on June 24, 2008

Apropos of not very much: Don't let the buggers get you down...
posted by patricio at 11:25 AM on June 24, 2008

I cite the Dresden Teapot precedent.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 11:33 AM on June 24, 2008

Tories at 20 year high


Of course, no ones worked harder for this than Labour.
posted by Artw at 11:33 AM on June 24, 2008

The thing they don't tell you is that Tariq Aziz got the cigar case from Bill Clinton, who used it to keep cigars.
posted by blue_beetle at 11:38 AM on June 24, 2008

Would there be anyone so petty, so time-wastingly idiotic, as to complain? Alas, I forgot about the Labour Party.

The Labour Party are easily forgotten.

Boris is going to make a miserable mayor, but he's so much more entertaining than that other miserable mayor.
posted by three blind mice at 11:38 AM on June 24, 2008

There are 1,043,761 people in London who need kicking the the crotch right now.

How about a head to the crotch? Boris is happy to oblige.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 12:14 PM on June 24, 2008

It’s always funny when someone gets hurt. You just need silly music and a callous attitude to life,” Cthulhu said.

Cue Boris Johnson, running through London, to the tune of "Yakety Sax."
posted by octobersurprise at 12:15 PM on June 24, 2008

So, his country invaded another country, destroyed many historical buildings and killed many civilians, he went in with the troops to assess the damages and stole a cigar case he found. Invasion + destruction + murder + theft. Where is the moral ambiguity?
posted by micayetoca at 12:47 PM on June 24, 2008

His finest moment so far has been after apparantly ordering the removal of an anti-racist theme from a festival (which was explcitly set up as an anti-racist festival four years before the foundation of the mayoralty), when interviewed it turned out that he knew nothing about it. It made London's official comedy fascist happy, though, so that's all right.

The point is that BJ has absolutely nothing at all to do with the running of London. His job (much like Zaphod Beeblebrox's as President of the Galaxy) is not to wield power himself but to distract attention away from the people who do, who are unelected appointees, who have been put in power not by BJ but by David Cameron and Tory Central Office.

Exactly how long he's going to last is an interesting question. He'll be bored of the job by Autumn, and the assembly are already bored of his strategy of answering questions with empty excuses, pointless waffle and amateurish jokiness. It remains to be seen whether any of the organ grinders will be subject to public scrutiny.

Ken's going around at the moment making sure that the public record knows about his preparations for the Olympics and environmental policies. Because when the Greater London Quangocracy fuck it up (and they will fuck it up), no one will be justified in saying it's his fault. Not that lack of justification will stop them.
posted by Grangousier at 1:06 PM on June 24, 2008

When does Saddam have his dinner? When Tariq Aziz.

Is there a pun somewhere in this joke?
posted by Gnatcho at 1:07 PM on June 24, 2008

Bravo Boris! Protecting the valuable cultural artifacts of Iraq from looting scum... by er looting them! Hurrah!
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:09 PM on June 24, 2008

(I realise that the Olympics link doesn't mention Ken, but does mention Boris. The point is that the preparations so far have taken place under Ken.)
posted by Grangousier at 1:10 PM on June 24, 2008

Gnatcho -- read it aloud ... when Tariq 'az 'iz (has his).
posted by devbrain at 1:32 PM on June 24, 2008

Gnatcho: I too have been trying to figure that out. I don't get it.
posted by Tacodog at 1:32 PM on June 24, 2008

Ah, thanks devbrain.
posted by Tacodog at 1:33 PM on June 24, 2008

Thanks, devbrain! I'm so used to pronouncing it A-zeez that I couldn't twist my mind around to the pronunciation for that joke. The closest "pun" I could think of was "When taking his ease" and that doesn't even meet the basic standards.
posted by Gnatcho at 1:49 PM on June 24, 2008

Where is the moral ambiguity?
More like picking up rubbish than theft; and as he said, if Aziz wanted it back, he'd have given it to him.

Johnson's a fuckwit, but his two main points are well-made, and stand: (1) none of the perpetrators of the actual war (as opposed to pickers up of rubbish / stealers of cigar cases) have faced any legal consequences; (2) it has taken the English police five years to decide to charge him with this petty "crime" (whose "victim" has clearly indicated that he does not regard the cigar case as stolen, nor Johnson responsible for its theft) and by some coincidence, they have done so as Johnson has become a mayoral candidate.

The first is a seething injustice on the face of the world; the second, a corrupt misuse of police resources to interfere in politics.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 8:55 PM on June 24, 2008

I'm so used to pronouncing it A-zeez
That's not the problem, the problem is you don't say "has his" so as to rhyme with "A-zeez". But then you probly aint from Lunnun, is it?

Boris Johnson was voted in by the flywheel of the British demos. My only hope is that he'll be widely broadcast on Scottish media when the independence referendum is under way.
posted by GeckoDundee at 11:46 PM on June 24, 2008

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