KUCINICH: IM A BARD
October 23, 2008 11:26 AM   Subscribe

 
KUCINICH: DID I MENTION MY WIFE IS A TOTALLY BANGIN DRYAD WITH 20 CHARISMA

This is way funnier than it should be.
posted by middleclasstool at 11:33 AM on October 23, 2008 [4 favorites]


In a few months, it will never have been on BoingBoing.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:35 AM on October 23, 2008 [9 favorites]


Metafilter: a Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Barbarian/Monk/Rogue!
posted by Caduceus at 11:37 AM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


You know, I could do without the boingboing bashing for once - the link is hilarioius, thanks Afroblanco
posted by Fuka at 11:38 AM on October 23, 2008 [3 favorites]


I saw that in the original location on LJ, and sent it to a gaming friend of mine.

And then we got into a whole debate about whether Chris Dodd would be the guy who bugged everyone into letting him play, but they kicked him out after they tried explaining the rules to him for a half hour and he still didn't get it; or whether he'd be the guy who sat in the corner studying the rulebook most of the time and after a couple hours he'd suddenly say, "hey guys, on page 379 here it says that we should be doing a stamina roll every hour and a half and if everyone rolls under a three we get the plague for 2 turns."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:39 AM on October 23, 2008


I was hoping one of them would hit Ron Paul over the head and earn 40 gold pieces.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:40 AM on October 23, 2008


In a few months, it will not be funny anymore.
posted by daniel_charms at 11:40 AM on October 23, 2008


I'm glad I missed this post's title so it didn't spoil anything. Kucinich had me crying with laughter.

dammit, I wanna say it too:

I'M A BARD
posted by Dr-Baa at 11:42 AM on October 23, 2008


You know, I could do without the boingboing bashing for once.

Boy, are you in for a disappointment.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:43 AM on October 23, 2008 [8 favorites]


"My friends, I am a totally unoriginal grizzled character class stereotype. I should lead the party because I have more testicular damage than that one."

Yes.
posted by DU at 11:47 AM on October 23, 2008


> I could do without the boingboing bashing for once

But this time you can do the bashing with an axe or a huge club carved from the root of the Millennial Oak Tree that grows in the shadowy glen of the... oh, I can't go through with it.
posted by ardgedee at 11:49 AM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


I can't believe I know what a cantrip is.
posted by swift at 11:50 AM on October 23, 2008 [4 favorites]


So. Unbelievably. Hilarious.
posted by mkultra at 11:54 AM on October 23, 2008


This post could have done with more Mike Gravel.

> TOSS ROCK IN POND
The rock does nothing.
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
posted by not_on_display at 12:01 PM on October 23, 2008 [9 favorites]


BUUUURN
posted by GuyZero at 12:02 PM on October 23, 2008


KUCINICH: DID I MENTION MY WIFE IS A TOTALLY BANGIN DRYAD WITH 20 CHARISMA

This is way funnier than it should be.


Have you ever seen his wife?
posted by anastasiav at 12:04 PM on October 23, 2008


You know, I think the next time I interview someone for a job, I'm just gonna cut to the chase and hit them with some random D&D trivia question. I want to hire a nerd, and only a nerd (like me) knows this stuff.

"OK, so the paladin in your party steals the orcish priest's gold necklace and..."
"Wait."
"What?"
"Paladins are lawful good. They wouldn't steal anything."
"Congratulations, you're hired."
"Can we discuss health insurance?"
"Cure light wounds only, sorry."
"That's it? Really?"
"I'm fucking with you. We have Blue Cross."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:06 PM on October 23, 2008 [164 favorites]


Cool Papa Bell, I cannot favorite that comment hard enough.
posted by Caduceus at 12:10 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


Partial glossary. (via.)
posted by YoBananaBoy at 12:11 PM on October 23, 2008


Ahem
posted by ghost of a past number at 12:11 PM on October 23, 2008


Cool Papa Bell

It may sound horrible to some, but for a time, we actually did use Nerd Questions to weed people out in interviews in my old job.

It was apparent to us on a small team that any qualified applicant would have to be some kind of Nerd to really mesh with the team. When the nerd questions were dropped from the interview, almost every "successful" applicant from then on was a bore to work with and often such a poor fit that teamwork became difficult. After a spate of "bad" fits, I worked some personality type questions back into the interview process and was able to weed out the poor fits more easily.

I feel that it's not so far fetched to include such "personality" questions on an unstructured interview and I'd like to see more interviewers do it, especially for small team (but team focused) jobs.
posted by NiteMayr at 12:12 PM on October 23, 2008 [4 favorites]


Motion to delete this thread and replace with random cache of my favorite D&D memories...

from last week
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:17 PM on October 23, 2008


OBAMA: OH NO YOU DIDN'T.

MCCAIN: Whatever, so's your mom.

OBAMA: So's your FACE.

MCCAIN: So's your Mom's face!

HILARY: WTF you guys. Why am I playing the cleric?


Ah, memories ...
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 12:31 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


Motion to delete this thread and replace with random cache of my favorite D&D memories...

Motion? Jeez, how civilized a game did you play? You keep your Robert's Rules of Order out of my D&D.
posted by graventy at 12:34 PM on October 23, 2008


I laughed. Quite a bit, in parts. Thanks, Afroblanco.
posted by joe lisboa at 12:35 PM on October 23, 2008


This was funny, but it bothered me that whoever wrote it misspelled Hillary. She wasn't my candidate of choice, but she deserves that much.
posted by Tehanu at 12:36 PM on October 23, 2008


It may sound horrible to some, but for a time, we actually did use Nerd Questions to weed people out in interviews in my old job.

Nitemayr, this seems fairly brilliant.

A year ago, a new franchise of my organization opened on the east coast of Canada. I had never met the owner, but a few weeks after the place there opened, my boss, the Big Enchilada for the organzaition, was going to be in the neighbourhood of the new place and wanted to meet the new guy.

I called up the owner and introduced myself, and said " Hey, J______ is going to be in town there in a week and would like to come by to meet you and just see how the place is looking."

He replied, after a brief pause, "The national executive director is coming here?"

I said, "You sound just like that guy in Return of the Jedi who said, 'The Emperor is coming here?'"

Without a pause, he said, "We shall redouble our efforts."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:38 PM on October 23, 2008 [42 favorites]


It may sound horrible to some, but for a time, we actually did use Nerd Questions to weed people out in interviews in my old job.

Sounds like a surefire way to keep hiring the exact same workforce. Maybe I'm just overly bitter at being so routinely excluded from nerd culture growing up, but I think there's a lot to be said for hiring a workforce with different experiences, anecdotal evidence aside. The idea of having nerd cred as a pre-req for employment strikes me as pretty offensive, actually. Like having culture-based questions on the SATs.
posted by lunit at 12:50 PM on October 23, 2008 [4 favorites]


That aside, sweet link.
posted by lunit at 12:50 PM on October 23, 2008


bitter at being so routinely excluded from nerd culture growing up,

The definition of "nerd" has sure changed a lot since I was young.
posted by ook at 12:58 PM on October 23, 2008 [11 favorites]


The idea of having nerd cred as a pre-req for employment strikes me as pretty offensive, actually.

Aww, wook at da poor widdle baby fail his sarcasm saving throw.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:58 PM on October 23, 2008


How did you manage to get excluded from Nerd culture lunit? Too suave and good at sports? Overly cleanly after eating ice-cream?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:01 PM on October 23, 2008 [4 favorites]


I was too sexy for my nerd group.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:05 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


Sounds like a surefire way to keep hiring the exact same workforce.

Yep, when something is working, you gotta do your best to fix it.
posted by bashos_frog at 1:06 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


Oh, Jesus. I totally read this FPP as "The 2008 Presidential Election as an ADHD campaign."

I'm not sure exactly how that would work, unless of course the election was determined by whoever could sit still the longest.
posted by bicyclefish at 1:08 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


Me too, bicyclefish.
posted by desjardins at 1:11 PM on October 23, 2008


"The 2008 Presidential Election as an ADHD campaign."

tl;dr
posted by uncleozzy at 1:24 PM on October 23, 2008 [7 favorites]


bicyclefish: I'm not sure exactly how that would work, unless of course the election was determined by whoever could sit still the longest.

Didn't McCain lose that contest in the 2nd debate?
posted by mkultra at 1:25 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


I dunno. I think if a job involves a group having to get along well together, a compatible personality is a big deal. It shouldn't get an otherwise unqualified person hired, but I see it as a good way to choose one qualified person over another.
posted by mccarty.tim at 1:28 PM on October 23, 2008


Nerd-based hiring -- sweet. I look forward to insinuating my own brand of nerd-based discrimination while I'm at it.

"Ok, you're on duty and you see this guy come up. He's a monster. I'm talking three hit dice at the very least."

I try to talk to the guy. Failing that, Bigby will do the talking.

"Nice. And oh! -- treasure type D"

*nonplussed*

"Get out of here, you late-edition brat!"
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 1:31 PM on October 23, 2008


Awesome.
posted by homunculus at 1:32 PM on October 23, 2008


bicyclefish: "Oh, Jesus. I totally read this FPP as "The 2008 Presidential Election as an ADHD campaign." I'm not sure exactly how that would work, unless of course the election was determined by whoever could sit still the longest."

tl;dr
posted by not_on_display at 1:37 PM on October 23, 2008


uncleozzy: tl;dr

What on earth are you talking about?
posted by not_on_display at 1:38 PM on October 23, 2008


Didn't McCain lose that contest in the 2nd debate?

He failed his saving throw a few days before the first.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 1:42 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


Dr-Baa is right. There are some things that everyone just has to say for themselves. Such as...

I'M A BARD
posted by Navelgazer at 1:50 PM on October 23, 2008


"I didn't suspend it for the 1988 Mountain Dew shortage and I'm not going to suspend it now."

Brilliant. I nearly ROFLed up my lunch.
posted by Lokisbane at 1:51 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


I hate myself for doing this:

Metafilter: You know what? Forget it. Rocks fall, everyone dies.

posted by quin at 2:02 PM on October 23, 2008


Very nice...
posted by schyler523 at 2:09 PM on October 23, 2008


That was a fun read, and the gazebo bit at the end was a nice touch.
posted by barnacles at 2:10 PM on October 23, 2008


YOU GUYS I AM TOTALLY CASTING A CANTRIP

"despite generally being the libertarianest libertarian that ever libertarianed, Ron Paul"

Yeah, no. RP is Libertarian like Obama is socialist.

"is actually generally anti-abortion"

Case in point. A real libertarian wouldn't give a shit. And I don't mean an "I got mine" rich white secret Conservative libertarian. I mean a real libertarian. I think mullacc put it best when he describe Ron Paul as something like a "States-rights fascist".
posted by Eideteker at 2:15 PM on October 23, 2008 [7 favorites]


This made my afternoon. Thanks a lot, Afroblanco.

Re: Nerd Questions to weed people out in interviews

When I was a freshman in college I tried to get a job at the local comic book store. The application test I had to take was more than 10 pages long, and had questions that were all over the nerd galaxy. I was informed that I would not be hired due to insufficient knowledge of Warhammer 40K and hex-based wargames.

That test was harder than any test I took in college. The job paid something like $5.50/hr. I totally understand wanting to have informed geeks at a geek shop, but man was that guy ever a nazi.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 2:20 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


And I don't mean an "I got mine" rich white secret Conservative libertarian.

Well, that's what Libertarian means now. Complain all you like, but whiny tax-dodgers own the brand these days.

You might as well complain that when you use the word "nice" you mean "accurate" and rail against people with their Johnny-come-lately modern meanings.
posted by rodgerd at 2:29 PM on October 23, 2008 [3 favorites]


lunit: I see what you're saying, but think of it this way. A team that cares deeply enough about it's nerdiness to craft interview questions around it is unlike to work well with a team member who would be offended by such a practice.

(I kid, I kid. That logic can be used to justify all sorts of atrocities. I still like the idea of the nerd's interview, however, because I imagine that it mght give me some geeked-out advantage.)
posted by Navelgazer at 2:48 PM on October 23, 2008


RON PAUL: Ronpaul the Barbarian say: suck it! Guns and abortions and weed for everyone! WHEEE!

Err, that would be no abortions. Oh yeah and no evolution in school either. Viva ...something. Craziness.
posted by damn dirty ape at 2:52 PM on October 23, 2008


The job paid something like $5.50/hr. I totally understand wanting to have informed geeks at a geek shop, but man was that guy ever a nazi.

*regards application, shakes head, clucks tongue*

Worst. Prospective employee. Ever.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:02 PM on October 23, 2008


"We shall redouble our efforts."

Moff Jerjerrod. I can haz job now?
posted by The Tensor at 3:26 PM on October 23, 2008


Nerd Questions to weed people out in interviews

I work in the games industry and have done this in a few interviews...
Eventually the obvious question comes up: "What games do you play?"

If they mention World of Warcraft, I stop them immediately and ask (while maintaining unbroken and direct eye contact) "Horde or Alliance?".

I had one guy squirm in his seat for a while and straight-up refuse to answer until I told him that I don't actually play the game myself.

posted by slimepuppy at 3:38 PM on October 23, 2008 [5 favorites]


That bb link sucks.
posted by gman at 3:41 PM on October 23, 2008


GAZEBO!
posted by kirkaracha at 4:17 PM on October 23, 2008


I've been thinking about this in an exceedingly nerdy way all day and decided that we should abandon all of the lame archaic and pejorative terms for political parties and replace them with Alignments. Ron Paul is Chaotic Evil, Ted Nugent is Chaotic Neutral, Obama is Neutral Good, Bush is Lawful Evil, and Nader is Neutral Neutral. So much more descriptive amirite?

Chaotic Good 2012!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:49 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


I remember feeling pretty confident when I hired a contractor based on, in part, his knowledge of emacs.

A few weeks into the project I hadn't heard from him in days and so I called him at home. He confessed that he had been working more than 48 hours straight without sleeping and he was worried that his cats were running out of food.

After a pause I reassured him that he could take a nap and go buy cat food and then promptly cut him a check for the hours he'd already worked and never spoke to him again.
posted by nev at 6:23 PM on October 23, 2008 [2 favorites]


There may be an issue with generational nerdity, too.

I'm 30-something, and in the fat, meaty part of Gen X slacker nerds, so I'm young enough where I can still relate to Gen Y and the Millenials, but old enough where I still insist on calling them Gen Y and the Millenials. What's going to happen in 10 years when some 30-something middle manager pulls a Yugi-Oh reference on me?

I was recently hired a a place where job stability is "1950s IBM" good, but the technology is "2009 is so last week" advanced. Hopefully this will be my last job interview for a few decades. They looked for aptitude, experience, and above all, a culture fit.

There are a good number of guys and gals 50+ on the team, all nerds, and Star Wars never struck the same sort of chord. (Star Trek is another story). Tolkein's good, but not always. No, to my mind, the remote-controlled fart machine taped to the bottom of my chair was the critical part of the interview. Only a true nerd would 1) laugh like a goon and 2) spend a precious minutes he should be bragging about his computer-fu figuring out how they did it and who had the remote.
posted by Slap*Happy at 6:51 PM on October 23, 2008 [1 favorite]


If there's ever a job opening that requires knowledge of obscure roleplaying games like Battlelords, I am so in.
posted by drezdn at 7:27 PM on October 23, 2008


That test was harder than any test I took in college. The job paid something like $5.50/hr. I totally understand wanting to have informed geeks at a geek shop, but man was that guy ever a nazi.

That's hilarious for the extremeness, but in the big picture, that comic book store probably ended up with some pretty knowledgeable nerdployees, and that's probably a good thing, right?

(Yes, if I was building that 10-page test, half would be nerd knowledge and the other half would be social skill, since presumably it's also important to be able to talk to customers, but still, the nazi guy's heart was pure, right? He had a vision of how his store should be that wasn't about profit or screwing customers (he'd hire idiots then), but was at least partly about best-store-evah based on what he thought the customers wanted.)
posted by rokusan at 9:06 PM on October 23, 2008


KUCINICH: DID I MENTION MY WIFE IS A TOTALLY BANGIN DRYAD WITH 20 CHARISMA

I bet most of you don't even remember comeliness.

*sigh*

Kids...
posted by Cyrano at 9:34 PM on October 23, 2008 [3 favorites]


You know what? Forget it. Rocks fall, everyone dies.

I'm still waiting for this to work in real life.
posted by regicide is good for you at 12:09 AM on October 24, 2008


MCCAIN: Yeah? Bring it! I didn't spend 3 years in the Abyss with Githzerai hooking my nads up to a car battery to get beat by some Wellesley girl.

So if the north vietnamese are the Githzerai then would that make the South Vietnamese the Githyanki? More importantly, who would the mind flayers be? The French?

I'm probably reading too much into this.

*casts magic missile on the darkness*
posted by Pseudology at 12:42 AM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


This is much better than I thought it was going to be.

Cool Papa Bell writes ""'OK, so the paladin in your party steals the orcish priest's gold necklace and...'
"'Wait.'
"'What?'
"'Paladins are lawful good. They wouldn't steal anything.'"


Actually Paladins can be Lawful Good, Good, or Unaligned now. It's not hard to imagine a Paladin of Sehanine stealing a . . . Uh, um, never mind.
posted by Mitheral at 1:15 AM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


Actually Paladins can be Lawful Good, Good, or Unaligned now. It's not hard to imagine a Paladin of Sehanine stealing a . . . Uh, um, never mind.

You're talking about something I've heard of....but it's not D&D.

yeah i went there
posted by Snyder at 1:25 AM on October 24, 2008 [5 favorites]


Oh man, this has me rolling in my chair.
And I want Slap's job.
posted by now i'm piste at 2:09 AM on October 24, 2008


I bet most of you don't even remember comeliness.

That was an addition after Charisma. Came in with Cavaliers, Barbarians, and the other munchkin stuff in the expansion whose name I forget.
posted by rodgerd at 2:28 AM on October 24, 2008


Unearthed Arcana for 1st edition advanced. Though I think it might have been introduced with the Cavalier class that come out in Dragon.
posted by Mitheral at 2:57 AM on October 24, 2008


D&D was for people who didn't understand the complexities and epic struggle that was Oberon vs. Baron Karza.
posted by felix at 8:20 AM on October 24, 2008 [1 favorite]


I bet most of you don't even remember comeliness.

Oh, and I bet you're one of those twinks who runs around with all of those broken Unearthed Arcana classes like Cavalier? Continually increasing stats my DM ass.
posted by cimbrog at 10:00 AM on October 24, 2008


Broken? The Cavalier was 4th level when a fighter with the same XP was, like, 7th level or something. Increasing stats, meh. But if you stuck to the XP rules the fancy-ass characters ended up getting left behind before too long. It actually became an issue in some of my old longer-running campaigns.
posted by GuyZero at 10:50 AM on October 24, 2008


Refresh my memory... was it in Unearthed Arcana that Dark Elves were introduced as a playable race?
posted by team lowkey at 11:10 AM on October 24, 2008


So sayeth Wikipedia. Not sure exactly where my copy of UA is these days.
posted by GuyZero at 11:24 AM on October 24, 2008


Actually Paladins can be Lawful Good, Good, or Unaligned now. It's not hard to imagine a Paladin of Sehanine stealing a . . . Uh, um, never mind.

I think you're quoting from that game that calls itself 4th Edition but that's really World of Warcraft on paper.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:45 AM on October 24, 2008


soOoOooo, do you wanna see me in a bronze bra?
posted by liza at 7:26 PM on October 24, 2008


Case in point. A real libertarian wouldn't give a shit. And I don't mean an "I got mine" rich white secret Conservative libertarian. I mean a real libertarian. I think mullacc put it best when he describe Ron Paul as something like a "States-rights fascist".

I maintain that Ron Paul is a libertarian as long as it doesn't interfere with being a member of the Christian Reich.
posted by Pope Guilty at 8:13 PM on October 24, 2008


My Unearthed Arcana had all of the errata published in Dragon Magazine taped in to the relevant parts.

When the second issue in a row came out containing errata, I said FUCK THIS and didn't buy another TSR product for a long long time.
posted by waraw at 8:52 PM on October 24, 2008


Actually Paladins can be Lawful Good, Good, or Unaligned now.

Wh-What?! I thought the entire point of being a paladin was being lawful good. Of course, I stopped DMing in 1988. I bet plenty has changed since then. If paladins with loose morals is a part of it, then count me out. And to think the inclusion of ninjas was controversial once.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:18 PM on October 24, 2008


TSR published a Dragon magazine article on the Anti-Paladin that got included in Best of Dragon vol 1 or 2... that was probably in, blah, 1984? But they were always lawful evil.
posted by GuyZero at 10:00 PM on October 24, 2008


Wh-What?! I thought the entire point of being a paladin was being lawful good.

The big idea is that Paladins are holy warriors. The idea that only Lawful Good gods would want them was silly to begin with.
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:00 AM on October 25, 2008


Earlier material always gave me the impression priests were supposed to fill that role. Aren't priests supposed to be modelled after the knights templar and such? They're not supposed to be magical nurses you know.
posted by ghost of a past number at 2:54 AM on October 25, 2008


This post is hilarious. I've been showing it to everyone. Pure Awesomeness :)
posted by AZNsupermarket at 1:56 PM on October 25, 2008


And to think the inclusion of ninjas was controversial once.

Fuck ninjas. Who the fuck needs ninjas when you can have a Grand Master of Flowers with 4 open-hand attacks per round, a neg 3 AC, and quivering-fuckin'-A-palm?
posted by dersins at 3:22 PM on October 25, 2008 [1 favorite]


In the furthest reaches of the AD&D canon, crouched down next to Planescape, is Oriental Adventures. Wait, no, Spelljammer is farther out. And by farther out, I mean acid trip farther out. So maybe OA is the furthest part of the canon you can visit on foot.
posted by GuyZero at 6:17 PM on October 25, 2008


Marisa Stole the Precious Thing writes "I thought the entire point of being a paladin was being lawful good."

At least as far back as 2nd Ed. you could play a Paladin of any alignment, though maybe just through Dragon.
posted by Mitheral at 11:08 PM on October 25, 2008


At least as far back as 2nd Ed. you could play a Paladin of any alignment, though maybe just through Dragon.

2nd edition was after my time. And now all this D&D talk has prompted be to dig up my tattered copy of White Plume Mountain and see if I convince some of my friends - the ones who play the Star Wars RP game - to give it a try.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:16 AM on October 26, 2008


If they like the Star Wars game, then maybe you should do Expedition To the Barrier Peaks instead. But, y'know, customized with droids and lightsabers and whatnot.
posted by dersins at 12:09 PM on October 26, 2008 [1 favorite]


At least as far back as 2nd Ed. you could play a Paladin of any alignment

Allow me to repeat a previous commenter: You're talking about something I've heard of....but it's not D&D.

There's the original AD&D and then there's a bunch of crap that ruined it.

AND MY LAWN. YOU SHOULD NOT BE ON IT.
posted by GuyZero at 10:02 AM on October 27, 2008


though maybe just through Dragon.

I think it must be, because I had 2nd Ed and I don't remember Paladins of any alignment. A quick googling suggests that, other than non-canon stuff like anti-Paladins, flexible alignment doesn't arrive even in 3.
posted by rodgerd at 9:09 PM on October 27, 2008


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