Some Jewish Humor
December 7, 2008 11:14 PM   Subscribe

Sadie tells Maurice, "You’re a schmuck! You always were a schmuck and you always will be a schmuck! You look, act and dress like a schmuck! You’ll be a schmuck until the day you die! And if they ran a world-wide competition for schmucks, you would be the world’s second biggest schmuck!" "Why only second place?" Maurice asks. "Because you’re a schmuck!" Sadie screams. Some Jewish humor.
posted by serazin (27 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
Damnit, when you put in tags like "90swebsitedesign," I don't have anything to snark about.
posted by dismas at 11:48 PM on December 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

And people call this place a goyzone.

Wait, what?
posted by decagon at 11:52 PM on December 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

That dude seems a little, uh, cracked, you know?
posted by chinston at 11:53 PM on December 7, 2008

This was the weirdest page.
posted by chinston at 11:54 PM on December 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

No kidding, chinston:

I select and print out some jokes from '' and bring them along to my dance class. I've been putting up my Jewish jokes on the wall of our dance hall for over eleven years now. I also put them up on my work place's notice board.

oy veh.
posted by dismas at 12:02 AM on December 8, 2008

From the 'what they say' page
…I was born in India. I came to England with my parents when I was three. I had all of my schooling in England and have been here ever since. I know that Judaism and its daughter religions do not believe in reincarnation but in India (even amongst Muslims and other minorities) it is an accepted fact. Although I cannot prove it I am convinced that I was killed in the holocaust. During my school days in the 1970s I could never watch “Escape from Colditz”. Even when I watch a film like Schindler's List I feel that I have seen it all first hand. Because of this I feel very sympathetic towards Jews and Israel. All the best for the future.
[RJ, Leicester, UK]
posted by tellurian at 12:08 AM on December 8, 2008

Actually, Judaism does believe in reincarnation. Or, at least, some Jews do. Two Jews, three opinions, and all that.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:45 AM on December 8, 2008

(#49) up to (#62) inclusive
Please note that there are no jokes for these numbers!

posted by Sticherbeast at 1:00 AM on December 8, 2008

posted by Schmucko at 3:13 AM on December 8, 2008

I think the only part that I actually laughed at was here:

Why don't you put Jewish jokes up on a wall of your dance/keep fit/educational class or put them up on your workplace notice board or prepare jokes for any similar use, whatever your environment.

Man .... I live in Germany. I'm pretty sure if I start posting Jewish jokes anywhere in my environment, I'll get arrested and deported.
posted by mannequito at 4:34 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Some of these are just random jokes given "Jewish" names and settings. Some, if you are to accept the humor, require you to acquiesce to stereotypes that are pretty straightforwardly anti-semitic.
posted by Faze at 4:36 AM on December 8, 2008

Way back in the 90's, I was on a Jewish humor mailing list. At least one joke a week was laugh-until-you-cry funny. Thanks for this link.

Sadie had never attended a Catholic church service in her 89 years, so she went to see what it was like. Sitting on the aisle, she took a long look as the priest in his robes came by, swinging the incense burner. She leaned out, tugged on his sleeve, and said "Darling, I love your dress but your purse is on fire."
posted by Enron Hubbard at 6:33 AM on December 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

Copyright © 2001-2007 David Minkoff
These jokes may only be copied for private use.If you would like to use them for commercial purposes, please contact David via

I wonder if he really could enforce that copyright?
posted by R_Nebblesworth at 6:54 AM on December 8, 2008

On long road trips with my parents I would beg them to tell me every Jewish joke they knew. Funny thing is, even though my mother is the Jewish half of my family, my Catholic father knew more of the jokes. I guess that's the difference between growing up in New York City and growing up in a suburb of Rockland County.

They worked their way through every joke they could think of ("I make a living!" "What do I look like, a furrier?") until they slowly got more nonsensical ("Okay, so it doesn't whistle!") or just dirty ("What do you want, I should put in the display window?" "They start off as wallets, you stroke them a couple times, they become full suitcases!") Good times.
posted by piratebowling at 7:42 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I've still got that second place trophy.
posted by maurice at 8:30 AM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Some of these are just random jokes given "Jewish" names and settings. Some, if you are to accept the humor, require you to acquiesce to stereotypes that are pretty straightforwardly anti-semitic.

From the ones I've seen so far, they look like the real thing, i.e., Jewish jokes which were actually made up by Jews (undoubtedly in Yiddish, and probably when the Czar was still on the throne). The point of these jokes isn't "aren't those Jews awful?" but "isn't human nature crooked and ungainly?" Of course, it could be argued that leaving in the stereotypically Jewish names of the protagonists, these could become ammunition for anti-Semites, though if you're concerned about that, you can always rename Moshe and Rivka to Steve and Jennifer or something.
posted by acb at 9:15 AM on December 8, 2008

I always thought Eddie Murphy nailed Jewish humor at the end of Coming to America.

All right, I'll taste the soup! Where's the spoon?
posted by JaredSeth at 9:31 AM on December 8, 2008

#103 ("It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again.") appears to be a repurposed Irish joke.
posted by acb at 9:41 AM on December 8, 2008

You call these jokes?
posted by electroboy at 11:27 AM on December 8, 2008

My favorite thing about this thread is the ad for the Nice Jewish Guys adorable!
posted by kittyprecious at 2:00 PM on December 8, 2008

These reminded me of (and some were) jokes my Grandma used to tell, and almost reduced me to tears -- not laugh tears, but "I miss Grandma" tears. You need to hear them delivered properly, not just text on a webpage.

Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.

posted by jake at 3:06 PM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Morris is having a tough time sexually pleasing his wife. Having heard of the love making talents of the black man, he inquires of Clyde the super just what the secret is.

Well Morris let me tell you, "first you put it in real slow and then you pull it back real fast, in slow out fast."

That night Morris employs the advice of Clyde and he puts it in real slow then pulls back real fast, in slow out fast.

In the throes of ecstasy Morris' wife yells out "Ohh Morris you schtupp me like a schwartza!"
posted by pianomover at 3:39 PM on December 8, 2008

So I get on the plane and settle into my seat and as soon as we take off, the old guy next to me starts talking.

"Oy, am I THIRSTY!" he says.

A moment later:

"Oy, am I THIRSTY!"

Every fifteen seconds, like clockwork.

"Oy, am I THIRSTY!"

Finally I can't take any more. As soon as the seatbelt sign flickers out, I get up, go to the back of the plane. I get two of those cone cups, fill them with water. I walk back up the aisle and wordlessly hand the man the two cups.

He brightens. "Thank you, young man!" He eagerly drinks both cups of water and smacks his lips in satisfaction. He's silent for a moment.

Then he says, "Oy, was I THIRSTY."

This joke told to me by Rita Berman's father, who found it screamingly funny. And like jake's joke, it's much funnier when delivered aloud, with appropriate eye-rolling and head-smacking gestures.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 3:45 PM on December 8, 2008

BOP, it should be pronounced "toisty" for maximum effect.

Same joke told to me by my Dad, delivered with appropriate schmaltz.
posted by Quietgal at 4:30 PM on December 8, 2008

So, nu, the toisty guy takes a plane now? When I grew up, he was on a sleeper car, and the other guy walked all the way to the end of the train to get one of those little cone-shaped paper cups, and he's just settling into his berth when he hears "Oy, vas I toisty!" ...
posted by adamg at 7:25 PM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Two gentlemen are using the facilities at Grand Central Station in New York.
One gentleman says to the other, "Are you from Borough Park?"
The other gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Do you belong to Temple Beth El?"
The second gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz, the mohel, still there?"
The second gentleman exclaims "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman answers, "Because he always cuts on a slant, and you're peeing on my shoe!"
My dad used to tell this one, except they were from a town outside Kiev.
posted by kenko at 9:54 PM on December 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Two elderly Jewish men are sitting on a park bench, chatting of this and that. One says to the other, "Hymie, you know, ever since I retired I've found the days seem longer and longer. I don't seem to be able to find a way to fill the day."
Hymie pats his friend on the knee and nods sagely, "What you need, my friend, is a hobby."
"A hobby?"
"A hobby. I've got a hobby."
"What's your hobby?"
"I keep bees"
"Bees." He says, nodding again.
"How many bees?"
His friend thinks about this for a few seconds, "I got 6 million bees."
"6 million bees? That's a lot of bees!"
"It is."
"I should have such bees!"
"You should."
"These bees, where do you keep them?"
Hymie reaches slowly into his overcoat and, from the inside pocket, pulls out a matchbox. "I keep 'em in here," he says, and gives the matchbox a little shake.
"6 million bees? In a matchbox?" His friend says, horrified, "But they'll die!"
"Eh. It's only a hobby."
posted by Jofus at 2:02 AM on December 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

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