He Will Break You
February 11, 2010 7:50 AM   Subscribe

Kyokushin karate champion, master's degree in chemical engineering, awarded a Fulbright scholarship to MIT, speaker of several languages, former lover of Grace Jones [NSFW], Master of the Universe--you already know who I'm talking about, don't you? It's Dolph Lundgren's world; try not to get in his way.

Some of his greatest battles:

Vs. Sylvester Stallone

Vs. Jean Claude van Damme


Vs. flab

Vs. Henry Rollins (about four minutes in)

and his ultimate victory.
posted by Halloween Jack (41 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
I love Dolph Lundgren. He was awesome in Universal Soldier, living out every 20 year old boy's fantasy of seeing him fight Jean-Claude van Damme. And acting circles around him.

Those Helmut Newton photos of him with Grace Jones made a big impression on me. Apparently they are from a Playboy shoot, described variously as July 1985 or September 1987. I'd love to find copies of the images again. Here's a romantic photo of the two by another photographer. And here's a purported picture of him nude.

Who would you cast opposite Dolph in "Siegfriend and Roy: a Life of Love and Tigers"?
posted by Nelson at 8:18 AM on February 11, 2010


This guy is just plain awesome.
posted by gagglezoomer at 8:26 AM on February 11, 2010


If he dies, he dies.
posted by bwg at 8:29 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


IMDB Trivia for Lundgren's Maximum Potential video:

The now-renowned directors Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avary got their first Hollywood jobs in 1986 as production assistants on this workout video. The director John Langley knew them from the video store where Tarantino was working. Not until Quentin Tarantino had arrived on location, however, did the future director receive his assignment: cleaning dog feces from the front lawn of the house in which the video was being shot.
posted by tomcooke at 8:33 AM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]


Lundgren and Jones should've produced several offspring.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:33 AM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


Not until Quentin Tarantino had arrived on location, however, did the future director receive his assignment: cleaning dog feces from the front lawn of the house in which the video was being shot.

And it was really all downhill from there.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:34 AM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]


That link to him singing is amazing. It's like if Karate era Elvis had a Baby with Heino. A reaaaalllly big baby.
posted by lumpenprole at 8:39 AM on February 11, 2010



He was also in "I come in peace" which I remember actually liking more than I thought I would.

I always thought Dolph was much better than Van Damme or Seagal ever was.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:48 AM on February 11, 2010


Who would you cast opposite Dolph in "Siegfriend and Roy: a Life of Love and Tigers"?

It would have to be van Damme.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:53 AM on February 11, 2010 [2 favorites]



I always thought Dolph was much better than Van Damme or Seagal ever was.

You're setting yourself a pretty low bar there.

All three of them suck and are not *AWESOME!* in any sense.
posted by the cuban at 9:02 AM on February 11, 2010


My head went all 'splodey once he started singing "A Little Less Conversation".

Had to watch him crucify Henry Rollins with scalpels to reset.

Better now.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:04 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]



Lundgren and Jones should've produced several offspring.



Do you really want to be ruled by stunningly beautiful Supermen from Olympus?

Well, okay, I'm sure there's a downside somewhere.
posted by The Whelk at 9:06 AM on February 11, 2010 [3 favorites]


you know who else was named Dolph?
posted by jonmc at 9:22 AM on February 11, 2010


Ugh, that performance... Vomit
posted by cman at 9:23 AM on February 11, 2010


Wow. Nothing in that Melodifestivalen video makes any sense. And the autotune... it hurts.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:25 AM on February 11, 2010


Stephen Segall as an action hero always puzzled me - he's an expert in aikido, which has no offensive moves. So you'll see him flip people into tables or walls, and only after they attack, and toss unconvincing Hollywood haymakers or Inspector Cleauseau-quality "karate chops" to fill in the difference.

Dolph could basically grimmace someone to death, and I've always wondered why he didn't make a bigger impression in the world of cheeseball action flicks.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:32 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


from his wikipedia page: "In January 2009, Lundgren's home was reportedly broken into by three masked burglars who tied up and threatened Qviberg [his wife], but fled when they spotted a family photo and realized that the house was owned by Lundgren"
posted by striker at 9:35 AM on February 11, 2010 [15 favorites]


Lundgren and Jones should've produced several offspring.

Do you really want to be ruled by stunningly beautiful Supermen from Olympus?


Who were you imagining would pass on some "stunningly beautiful" genes?
posted by DU at 9:36 AM on February 11, 2010


I don't get the Lundgren hate. At least he doesn't go out of his way to prove how much of an asshole he is, like Seagal. In fact, as a counterpoint to Steven Seagal: Lawman, I propose Dolph Lundgren: Process Engineer.

I remember how blown away I was when I found out Lundgren had a master's in chemical engineering. So what if his oeuvre isn't a bunch of indie arthouse movies; he's an action star who isn't as dumb as a side of beef, and in my book, that's "*AWESOME!*".

JCVD also gave me some new respect for Van Damme. That was a very decent flick.
posted by adamdschneider at 9:52 AM on February 11, 2010 [5 favorites]


Didn't know anything about this guy. But sheesh, Pentathlon looks like the greatest afterschool special movie ever made. The fate of the free world (uh, in 1994?) lies in the hands of a man without country...
posted by grounded at 9:58 AM on February 11, 2010


speaker of several language

In his native Sweden, he's mostly famous for having "forgotten" how to speak Swedish after spending some time in the US. Before his appearance in Melodifestivalen made him "folkkär", that is.

(Google Translate tells me that the Swedish concept of "folkkär" translates to "BELOVED BY THE PEOPLE" which I guess captures that concept pretty well. Not just beloved, but BELOVED. BY THE PEOPLE. While some people manage to become that overnight, it's probably more common that someone who's a genuinely nice person with at least a bit of talent does stuff that you're not supposed to do and gets made into a laughingstock by the masses, but then, much later, THE PEOPLE decides that they've had it with all the mindless snark, and decides to love him unconditionally. Like MeFi and Gaga, for example.)

He was also in "I come in peace" which I remember actually liking more than I thought I would.

Yeah, that final piece of dialogue is definitely up there with "hasta la vista" and other great pieces of writing from the 80:s action here era, no doubt.

(that trailer is bowdlerised, btw; there's an "asshole" in there in the original film.)
posted by effbot at 10:06 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


I propose Dolph Lundgren: Process Engineer.

From one of the links I just posted: "Of course that thought strikes me once in a while. What life would have been like if I had a career based on my studies? It sure would have been different. But my thought hasn't got that far as even considering doing a movie on that subject! But now you got me thinking."
posted by effbot at 10:08 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


Let me tell you all about a Dolph Lundgren film I'm sure you haven't seen. Bridge of Dragons (1999) is the most ridiculous film I have ever seen. And I sat through Bronx Warriors 2 (1983), Street Soldiers (1991), Death Wish III (1985) and LA Street Fighter/Ninja Turf (1985) where Jun Chong (aka. Young), aged 45 and sporting a full moustache is supposed to be a high-school student!

In Bridge of Dragons Dolph Lundgren plays 'Warchild' a mercenary serving a local general/tyrant/father who saved him as a child. The film is really hard to follow but here's what I remember: there's a single, white helicopter, that Warchild shoots down with an AK-47 or something; it looks like they're in backwoods America; there seem to be a lot of Ukranian-looking WWII-era partisans running around along with extras from a Jackie Chan historical comedy; there are moments of extreme violence, sadism and brutality which are made comical by terrible acting; Dolph Lundgren's acting is atrocious; there is no story-line, characterisation or plot; IMDB says it was filmed in Bulgaria, which explains so much.

Read more reviews on IMDB.

And I know what you're going to say, 'Dolph gots to get paid, son!' But really... Did he? Did he?
posted by xpermanentx at 10:39 AM on February 11, 2010


How does one pronounce "Qviberg?"
posted by oddman at 10:39 AM on February 11, 2010


Oh. He was the guy in Red Scorpion, written and produced by future lobbyist and prison inmate Jack Abramoff.
posted by grounded at 10:51 AM on February 11, 2010


Jesus Christ!

No, seriously, I think he might be.
posted by SixteenTons at 11:02 AM on February 11, 2010


Oh, and should I be surprised that The Onion misspelled Fulbright?
posted by SixteenTons at 11:03 AM on February 11, 2010


I spent months in a small room with Dolph, and let me tell you... he's really annoying and kind of a dick. Sorry if anyone finds that disappointing.
posted by gonna get a dog at 11:32 AM on February 11, 2010



I spent months in a small room with Dolph


You gotta tell that story.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:35 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


You gotta tell that story.

For real.
posted by adamdschneider at 11:53 AM on February 11, 2010


Two previous threads with a focus on celebrities with brains.
Hot Space.

Is Brad Pitt a particle physicist?
posted by ericb at 12:42 PM on February 11, 2010


Oh, you all are missing my favorite Dolph Lundgren movie scene.... that would be where he gets tied up and suspended upside down, wearing only a leather thong, while investigating a dominatrix who might be a serial killer. The movie goes by two names, "Jill The Ripper" or "Tied Up."
posted by dnash at 2:06 PM on February 11, 2010


Dolph Lundgren is one of my go-to guys for B-movies. I will see anything he is in, no questions. I see his name on the cover, I rent it. Done deal.

This has worked out very well for me as he is actually quite good in a lot of his films.

Silent Trigger by way of example, is a film that virtually no one has heard of, and yet is far better than the cover would have you believe.

And contrary to the opinion of every other person on the planet, I actually enjoyed his take on The Punisher. It wasn't a great film, or even a good one. But damn it, it was an fun one.
posted by quin at 3:31 PM on February 11, 2010


How does one pronounce "Qviberg?"

"kvee-bairj"
posted by martinrebas at 5:18 PM on February 11, 2010


martinrebas, I can honestly say that didn't help.

kuh-vee bear j (with a soft j at the end?)
posted by oddman at 6:46 PM on February 11, 2010


I just wish someone would make an action movie with Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger , Danny Trejo, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Jet Li, Jason Statham and maybe Eric Roberts.

Oh wait someone is? Oh, Sylvester Stallone is directing it? The Expendables you say? Oh, carry on then...
posted by Telf at 9:19 PM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]


kuh-vee bear j (with a soft j at the end?)

Yeah, that's pretty much the Swedish pronunciation. Extra points for a rolling 'r' and a slightly nasal 'ee'.
posted by martinrebas at 2:18 AM on February 12, 2010


Telf : The Expendables you say? Oh, carry on then...

The nice thing about this is that once this movie is made, no one will need to bother ever making another, because nothing will ever top it.

It will be the single greatest achievement in the history of human kind.
posted by quin at 7:33 AM on February 12, 2010 [1 favorite]


I see it referenced, but I don't see it explicitly linked, so for anyone else who missed it, here is a tuxedoed Dolph singing A Little Less Conversation, then offering us a drum solo and martial arts demonstration... with backup dancers.
posted by quin at 3:30 PM on February 20, 2010


Dolph Lundgren facts #65

A Dolph Lundgren photograph can kick your ass.
posted by Anything at 1:01 PM on March 5, 2010


I see it referenced, but I don't see it explicitly linked, so for anyone else who missed it, here is a tuxedoed Dolph singing A Little Less Conversation, then offering us a drum solo and martial arts demonstration... with backup dancers.

*watches video*
*surrenders to madness*
posted by Skot at 1:18 PM on March 5, 2010


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