February 6, 2004 12:54 PM   Subscribe

Best cover letters, ever. "Nothing has ever excited me the way that Dictatyping has. Nothing has ever moved me with such force."
posted by majcher (19 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
My first encounter with Neopost came two years ago, while I was on the Internet looking for alternatives to the traditional postal system, ( which had previously caused the death of my entire family. )

Liquid. Nose. Everywhere. Carnage.

posted by xmutex at 1:11 PM on February 6, 2004

This reminds me of the time I sent off a bunch of cover letters with the closing, "I am very interesting in this position." I wasn't suprised I didn't get any job offers, but I was a little disappointed I didn't get any other types of offers.
posted by kirkaracha at 1:29 PM on February 6, 2004


"The depression and suicidal fantasies of three years ago are nothing but a memory to me now. I am a man consumed with passion, and your products have given a new meaning to my life. Without you I do not know where I would be, and I do not want to know. I am happy now, pursuing my goal. My dead family and I are in your debt, and I long to help you in any way I can. I feel I could make a real difference at your company."

I actually got the best job of my life with a note that was a bit snarky. Little did I know that everyone else who worked there was a smartass too.
posted by Slagman at 1:42 PM on February 6, 2004

[this is good]
posted by elwoodwiles at 1:46 PM on February 6, 2004


I usually write at least one crank cover letter every day because it makes the whole 'looking for a job' slog more enjoyable. My irrational fear is that I will send one of them in place of the more traditional letter.

OTOH, what have the traditional letters done for me recently?
posted by Fezboy! at 2:01 PM on February 6, 2004

There was a time in life when I was under the false impression that I'd be able to collect unemployment and when I knew I had a job for sure in another month or two. To fufill the unemployment requirement of looking for work, I was going to fill out sarcastic applications and go into every interview with the belief that it didn't matter what I did.

These cover letters remind me of those dreams.
posted by drezdn at 2:13 PM on February 6, 2004

"This womb drops babies!"
posted by jpoulos at 2:24 PM on February 6, 2004

Reminds me of Letters from a Nut
posted by milnak at 2:39 PM on February 6, 2004

Thank you, majcher! Great stuff!
posted by soundofsuburbia at 3:07 PM on February 6, 2004

The only disappointment to be found here is that these are fictional cover letters.

I may keep these in mind the next time I have to go job hunting...
posted by BartFargo at 3:54 PM on February 6, 2004

On a similar note, does anyone know where to find that fake(?) college application personal statement that was making the rounds a few years ago, where the writer talks about himself in ridiculous hyperbole? Sorry to be vague - maybe someone else can fill in the mental blank.
posted by stonerose at 5:24 PM on February 6, 2004

These are great, thanks!

Stonerose: It wasn't fake, it was sent to NYU by a guy named Hugh Gallagher. The essay is here, and his pretty decent debut book is on amazon here.
posted by emyd at 6:17 PM on February 6, 2004 [1 favorite]

Thanks, emyd! That saves me a too-specific AskMeFi post.
posted by stonerose at 6:54 PM on February 6, 2004

Hahaha, these are great.

Maybe I should send one of these out. I'm surely not getting anywhere with traditional cover letters!
posted by SisterHavana at 9:25 PM on February 6, 2004

Dear Executive Director:

I am responding to your poorly worded and unclear posting on the low-paid-jobs-for-losers-who-decided-
thought-they-could-make-a-difference website for the position of Peon in your poorly run and under-funded social service agency. I have enclosed my way over-qualified resume for your consideration.
posted by Aaorn at 9:34 PM on February 6, 2004

Run on, love. Run on

Thanks majcher. This was great!
posted by snwod at 10:34 PM on February 6, 2004

Stonerose: It wasn't fake, it was sent to NYU by a guy named Hugh Gallagher. The essay is here, and his pretty decent debut book is on amazon here.
Hey that's the guy who wrote Teeth! That was a very good book.
posted by maggie at 7:42 PM on February 7, 2004

Being in the middle of sorting through over 120 applications for my assistant's replacement, these came as some much-needed relief. Thanks.
posted by dg at 2:49 PM on February 8, 2004

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