Go Ahead, Be Vulnerable. This Is Coke Talk.

March 24, 2011 12:45 AM

This is an advice column by an L.A. party girl who likes to talk shit on the internet. E.g. She’ll take your questions about the point of Serious Relationships. And give you advice about your sexual identity. Or tell you about a little something called Prince Charming Disease. There’s some advice about managing your existential crisis too. Even replies to fifteen year old girls on tumblr about their teenage flirting. There is also tons of fun sized advice. In her own summary: “What I [write] may be unfiltered, but it’s still cooked up from the same basic ingredients as the rest of pop culture.” It’s “Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.” It’s Dear Coke Talk.

And because it's in the name, here are some responses she provides about her relationship with cocaine:

On Disclaimers.
On Cocaine.
And things that may be cut.

posted by fantodstic (85 comments total)

And it's an anonymous author too (for now).
posted by fantodstic at 12:54 AM on March 24, 2011

Blogging is a hell of a drug.
posted by loquacious at 12:59 AM on March 24, 2011 [7 favorites]

The tone of your advice is harsh and your column runs long.
If your sensibilities are that delicate and your attention span that stunted, perhaps you should go read Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter.

Yeah...I know this is presented as a "haha...i hate her. she's crazy" kinda thread. But I kinda like it.
posted by hal_c_on at 1:00 AM on March 24, 2011

I rather love her blog, I'm sorry if it seems presented like that. I guess it's cause it's 1 a.m. - no drugs were involved, I swear.
posted by fantodstic at 1:02 AM on March 24, 2011

This is great fun.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:20 AM on March 24, 2011

From another post, "On philosophers and fools":

Q: Heartbreak is not inevitable…why are you so bitter? Sure there are hard times but some people who say “forever” mean it.

A: ...I’m sure you’re a decent enough person — earnest, Wonder Bread wholesome, sweet in a saccharine sort of way — but you couldn’t find enlightenment if it was in the rollback bin at Walmart...And yes, some people who say forever mean it, but forever is a word for philosophers and fools. If you’re using it to describe your love life, I’ll let you guess which of the two you are.

I like her. Thank you for posting this; it'll go on the old RSS feed list.
posted by asymptotic at 1:24 AM on March 24, 2011

Agreed. I like her.
posted by yeolcoatl at 1:26 AM on March 24, 2011

"I use profanity because I’m profane, you persnickety cunt.

When it comes to creative use of the language, swear words aren’t the height of unintelligence. Cliche and close-mindedness are, and sweetheart, you’re a walking close-minded cliche."

Word.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:41 AM on March 24, 2011 [19 favorites]

I approve of this.
posted by anigbrowl at 1:45 AM on March 24, 2011

Yes, cocaine is no different than caffeine... o_0

Okay, in an absolute, very wide-angle sense, yes, but in the same way that I am no different than my cat. (Carbon-based! Nocturnal by preference! Fond of fish!)
posted by Scattercat at 1:52 AM on March 24, 2011 [9 favorites]

It's all in the dosage, Scattercat. Eat a teaspoon of pure caffeine and your heart would explode like an overripe melon.
posted by Justinian at 1:54 AM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

I automatically assume these days that someone who describes themselves as an 'LA party girl' is in fact an obese 45-year-old man in Nebraska.
posted by Segundus at 1:55 AM on March 24, 2011 [31 favorites]

I've both loved and hated this blog since I found out about it.
posted by crataegus at 2:16 AM on March 24, 2011

Wasn't expecting to, but I totally love this blog. The longer advice columns can get a little tedious, but her fun-sized advice is amazing.
posted by Phire at 2:27 AM on March 24, 2011

is in fact an obese 45-year-old man

I'm a party girl? Explains a few things, actually.
posted by maxwelton at 3:23 AM on March 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Eat a teaspoon of pure caffeine and your heart would explode like an overripe melon.

*buys melon*

*waits*
posted by Sys Rq at 3:31 AM on March 24, 2011 [27 favorites]

*two months pass*

*fruits flies whirl*

ca-SABA!
posted by pracowity at 3:40 AM on March 24, 2011

The link you are accessing has been blocked by the Barracuda Web Filter because it contains content belonging to the category of: Porn

Why do all the interesting threads come up when I'm at work?
posted by sambosambo at 3:59 AM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

is in fact an obese 45-year-old man

Agreed. It doesn't have the feel of a woman's writing. The pace is male. Linear. Grounded. Not heterosexual, by any means. Shy, in its way. Different. But not female.
posted by Faze at 4:19 AM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

If I keep reading will she keep using Wal Mart analogies?
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 4:23 AM on March 24, 2011

hilarious

re: the sex debate, i would assume women are as susceptible to becoming jaded as men...
posted by lulz at 4:54 AM on March 24, 2011

What the fuck are "grown-ass women"
posted by the noob at 5:17 AM on March 24, 2011

The pace is male. Linear. Grounded. Not heterosexual, by any means. Shy, in its way. Different. But not female.

It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
posted by Kinbote at 5:20 AM on March 24, 2011 [35 favorites]

So, how long until she's praised as America's leading ethicist?
posted by KirkJobSluder at 5:22 AM on March 24, 2011

KirkJobSluder: "So, how long until she's praised as America's leading ethicist"

I thought that title still belonged to Dan Savage.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 5:44 AM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

I don't know, normally I love advice columns, but something about the tone of the questions seems... fake. Like there's not nearly enough detail, or emotion, or personality for the questions to have been written by actually different people, and the advice seems equally generic and kind of uninspired. Contrast this with my favourite snarky, profane (occasional) advice blog, Heather Havrilesky's rabbitblog.
posted by aiglet at 5:50 AM on March 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

If Faze thinks it's written by a man, because it fits the stereotypes of how men write, I'm going to go ahead and assume it is written by an actual LA party girl.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:21 AM on March 24, 2011 [15 favorites]

Is anyone else tired of the whole cute-girl-with-a-potty-mouth thing? Sarah Silverman took that to its height, right? Can we be done with that now?
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:27 AM on March 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

Agreed. It doesn't have the feel of a woman's writing. The pace is male. Linear. Grounded. Not heterosexual, by any means. Shy, in its way. Different. But not female.

Cause girls write all airy fairy and go round in rabbity circles. Please. Punch my writing into gender analysis software and half the time it pops male, the other female. She reminds me of women I know.
posted by Jilder at 6:54 AM on March 24, 2011 [23 favorites]

Until American culture stops giving a shit about foul language, it will be easy for American comedians, male or female, to get easy laughs with foul fucking language.
posted by idiopath at 6:56 AM on March 24, 2011

She's a man baby...!
posted by OHenryPacey at 7:06 AM on March 24, 2011

Is anyone else tired of the whole cute-girl-with-a-potty-mouth thing?
posted by MrMoonPie at 2:27 PM on March 24

When it comes to comedy swearage the only thing that matters is how well it's done. Whether it's done by a cute girl or a burly docker is distinctly secondary, IMO. For example, Alexei Sayle, in his prime, was arguably the best comedy swearmeister ever. And he was no cute girl. To say the least.
posted by Decani at 7:10 AM on March 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

I hate it when I fail to close the italics. It makes me want to swear.
posted by Decani at 7:11 AM on March 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

Oh look, a recent interview.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:26 AM on March 24, 2011

The link you are accessing has been blocked by the Barracuda Web Filter because it contains content belonging to the category of: Porn

Why do all the interesting threads come up when I'm at work?

The real question: Why do you work somewhere that filters your Internet access?
posted by spitefulcrow at 7:39 AM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Hey, for all we know, she may actually be 12 year old twin boys from Des Moines, but what she writes sure sounds like it comes from a grown-ass woman. I like.
posted by maudlin at 7:47 AM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

The man I’m fucking is in love with my best friend. He treats her with respect, and he treats me like nothing. Guess this is what I get for fucking him, right?

No, this is what you get for thinking your vagina is a hole through which respect passes.

Come on guys this is great stuff!
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:52 AM on March 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

What, women can't write linear, grounded stuff? Fuck, that's right, I forgot that I make sure that all of my submissions for scientific publications go Abstract, Background, feelings and ponies, Discussion, Discussion, Discussion, math stuff.

You wanna walk that one back, bro?

(Though now that I've thought about it, a "Feelings and Ponies" section would probaby be kinda cool.)

And thanks, fantodstic, this is really great stuff.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 7:58 AM on March 24, 2011 [23 favorites]

Wow. I've gone beyond the advice column, and it's all really, really good. This is going on my browser start page.
posted by maudlin at 8:18 AM on March 24, 2011

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
posted by Xoebe at 8:25 AM on March 24, 2011

You wanna walk that one back, bro?

He won't. It's one turd gem per thread with him. Frankly, responding to him at all is rarely worth the bandwidth, or the effort it takes to push the "Post Comment" button.

Regarding the post, the advice is definitely being given "in character", to the degree that I can imagine a video version with the advice being delivered by a cartoon or a puppet.
posted by idiopath at 8:27 AM on March 24, 2011

I forgot that I make sure that all of my submissions for scientific publications go Abstract, Background, feelings and ponies, Discussion, Discussion, Discussion, math stuff.

I love it! But I do edit a lot of women's writing, mainly on scientific topics, and pretty much have an instinctive feel for these things. Abstract, background, math stuff, conclusions, discussion ... that template was created by and for males in a male-dominated pursuit. I have no doubt that if women had had any say in formulating the rules for scientific publication, we would indeed have had more "feelings, ponies" and the like -- possibly, but not necessarily to the detriment of the field. Women will soon make up more than 50 percent of the medical profession, and medical journals have already gone all squishy in anticipation. Not only is there more eagerness to signal "caring", but male authors have gotten all peacocky in a way they didn't used to when their only audience was men. I'm not saying this is all good or bad, and it certainly is interesting to see it play out.
posted by Faze at 8:35 AM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have no doubt that if women had had any say in formulating the rules for scientific publication, we would indeed have had more "feelings, ponies" and the like --

what the i don't even
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 8:36 AM on March 24, 2011 [16 favorites]

Metafilter: The pace is male. Linear. Grounded. Not heterosexual, by any means. Shy, in its way. Different.
posted by Infinite Jest at 8:47 AM on March 24, 2011 [5 favorites]

and pretty much have an instinctive feel for these things

Faze is a chick. Well, that explains a lot.
posted by maudlin at 8:48 AM on March 24, 2011

I think I've just found my replacement for Dan Savage.
posted by immlass at 8:51 AM on March 24, 2011

I needed this today. Thanks, guys.
posted by SPUTNIK at 8:52 AM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think I've just found my replacement for Dan Savage.

From a Fun Sized Advice column:
Who would win in a fight? You or Dan Savage?
No, no. This is Hollywood, babe. Never fuck with the gay mafia.

Haha.
posted by fantodstic at 8:56 AM on March 24, 2011

immlass, I was thinking something similar. I haven't read Dan Savage in a long time, but for some reason he just never struck a chord with me. The thing that came to mind was that Coketalk is pithy and straightforward, without the need for justification. It won't win any awards for "argumentation and persuasion"...it's a just an advice column, and it dispenses good advice without being wrapped up in phony self validating logic and whiny, overwrought justifications.

not saying savage does that, and I enjoy reading him, but this woman has barbed, cutting edge wit, and is completely unapologetic. I am sure I would feel differently if her advice did not jibe with my own worldview. I like to feel validated by someone much more acerbic than I could ever be.
posted by Xoebe at 8:59 AM on March 24, 2011

Your instinct for the peacocky is admirable.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:02 AM on March 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't know, normally I love advice columns, but something about the tone of the questions seems... fake. Like there's not nearly enough detail, or emotion, or personality for the questions to have been written by actually different people, and the advice seems equally generic and kind of uninspired.

Yeah, agreed. There is also something about the language that she is using that comes off forced, almost like she (?) has Thesaurus.com open while writing it, searching for clever adjectives to use that aren't in her vocabularly. This may not be the case, but it's how it is coming across to me.

What is a butthurt fangirl anyways?
posted by Bron-Y-Aur at 9:06 AM on March 24, 2011

The advice makes me think this is a collaborative project among witty, funny party girls rather than an individual effort. The one-liners are flying fast and furious.

I like it, and I didn't expect to. Thanks!

Oh, and Faze? Feelings and ponies, really? I am disappoint.
posted by misha at 9:14 AM on March 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

As I understand it a butthurt fanchild^* is someone who gets indignant that their preferred non-mainstream-reality is not taken seriously. More often applied to players of Dungeons and Dragons or fans of Star Trek or Manga than to pop music fans, but I guess it kind of works.

* as far as I know the term fanchild is my own construction, usually one sees "fanboy" or "fangirl".
posted by idiopath at 9:22 AM on March 24, 2011

This apparently runs as a twice-weekly column in The Daily, too. Pretty amazing, considering.
posted by me3dia at 9:22 AM on March 24, 2011

What is a butthurt fangirl anyways?

Butthurt.
posted by scalefree at 9:23 AM on March 24, 2011

Agreed. It doesn't have the feel of a woman's writing. The pace is male. Linear. Grounded. Not heterosexual, by any means. Shy, in its way. Different. But not female.

Jesus Hannibal; you must be a hit at parties.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 9:25 AM on March 24, 2011

The new place to send your AskMetafilter relationship questions.
posted by anniecat at 9:38 AM on March 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

"Until American culture stops giving a shit about foul language..."

The American culture not giving a shit about foul language is here, it's just not fucking evenly distributed. And to certain parts of the culture, it never will be.

The blog is not my thing, but it's funny enough.
posted by artlung at 9:40 AM on March 24, 2011

I love this.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:43 AM on March 24, 2011

Oh, also, probably we need to start a pool on dates for 1) outing of real identity and 2) book deal.
posted by artlung at 9:44 AM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Great advice, great writing, encased in a shell of hilarious weltschmerz.
posted by ob at 9:50 AM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

If Faze thinks it's written by a man, because it fits the stereotypes of how men write, I'm going to go ahead and assume it is written by an actual LA party girl.

I'd been wondering what my 1000th favorite was going to be. The 999 looked so nice I knew it needed to be something special.
posted by stet at 9:54 AM on March 24, 2011

Whoa, I read a few smartassy posts and then hit this one, and wow, the author nailed it. This bit:

You can’t fake sunny. Positive energy radiates from your core. I appreciate that you’re trying to smile at people, but I bet that’s just a coat of paint too.

You can’t smile with bitterness in your heart. Not really. Sure, your face will make the right shape, but people can tell that it’s not real. A smile is a projection of an emotional state of love, and if your conscious mind is fixated on negativity, it’s gonna come off looking awkward, or worse, fake.

It's so good I think it could be usefully slipped into AskMe FAQ for mod. It's also rather kind and sympathetic. For a writer who also calls people cunts, quite a surprise.

Definitely a book deal for this writer. I'll say the deal will be announced in June. 10th.
posted by artlung at 10:07 AM on March 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

I care not, me, for advice written by coke girls.

I want the Faze advice column. That would be some feelings and ponies magic indeed.
posted by winna at 10:08 AM on March 24, 2011

s/FAQ for mod/FAQ for relationship questions/
posted by artlung at 10:08 AM on March 24, 2011

Oh, also, probably we need to start a pool on dates for 1) outing of real identity and 2) book deal.

My first thought when I read it was Belle de Jour 2011. Not for topic or style, obviously, but for exactly that incoming progression to publication.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 10:17 AM on March 24, 2011

Metafilter: better pre-treat that shit with a wet-nap
posted by Smedleyman at 10:24 AM on March 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

The myth of Prince Charming has no business sneaking past the Tooth Fairy and worming its way into your romantic expectations.

[THIS IS GOOD]
posted by Afroblanco at 10:51 AM on March 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

I thought that title still belonged to Dan Savage.

Who got his start writing a parody of an Agony Aunt column centered around snarking at heterosexuals.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 10:55 AM on March 24, 2011

> It doesn't have the feel of a woman's writing.

FWIW, if you call the number in the whois entry for dearcoketalk.com, you get a (anonymous) woman's voice on an answering machine. "You know who it is! Tell me something good."
posted by Estragon at 12:12 PM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Loved the "Drill, baby drill" one. Keeper.
posted by zenon at 12:27 PM on March 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

This is a lot better than I would have expected.
posted by lekvar at 12:35 PM on March 24, 2011

Thanks fantodstic. I heart you long time.
posted by Fuka at 12:35 PM on March 24, 2011

Ditto in the "like" department. Merci beaucoup fantodstic!
posted by cool breeze at 2:43 PM on March 24, 2011

Just sent my best friend a message to ask if she was writing this in her spare time. The humor is that spot-on.

Also, I love my best friend.
posted by duvatney at 3:57 PM on March 24, 2011

Is anyone else tired of the whole cute-girl-with-a-potty-mouth thing? Sarah Silverman took that to its height, right? Can we be done with that now?

Uhh, why is a girl who happens to be attractive and swear a lot doing a "thing"? Do only men have a natural affinity for swearing? I really don't understand. Yes, Sarah Silverman swears a lot, but her shtick is playing an oafish loudmouth who is unaware of being offensive, not a "cute girl with a potty mouth".
posted by tehloki at 5:24 PM on March 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

Uhh, why is a girl who happens to be attractive and swear a lot doing a "thing"?

QFMFT. This isn't something that should ever be over. This particular brand of woman is a gift to some of us, and I hope that they never go away. Who else will tolerate my vulgarity? Certainly not the "persnickety cunts". It's not a "thing", it's just a way that some of us are.

I like this girl very much.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 5:46 PM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is anyone else tired of the whole cute-girl-with-a-potty-mouth thing?

"I use profanity because I’m profane, you persnickety cunt."
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:54 PM on March 24, 2011

Ugh. Should have previewed, obviously. My ass isn't grown enough to do so though.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:55 PM on March 24, 2011

Her Dolly Parton avatar, whom she mentions as being imitated by Oprah and others is bang on.

"What 3 things should the current government change?"

"-Replace military-industrial complex with a civil-industrial complex as astop gap for our crumbling infrastructure.

-Replace prison-industrial complex with a beefed up educational -industrial complex.

-End the legacy of state funded concept wars, including the wars on drugs, terror, poverty, crime etc."

COKETALK FOR PRESIDENT!

She is good. I second her 'drill baby drill' reply. Sofa king brilliant.

Thanks for the laughs, fantodstic.
posted by alicesshoe at 7:02 PM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

The befuddled boomers and bitter Gen Xers before us are quick to talk all kinds of smack about our relative immaturity, but do your best to ignore the negativity, because quite frankly, this is how they raised us. Besides, it’s their turn to be old and in the way, and they should shut up and be thankful that we’re willing to pick up the tab on their ballooning Social Security and Medicare. But I digress. How tacky.

I'm in love.
posted by crackingdes at 7:35 PM on March 24, 2011

Bah. I'm 25 and i think kids today are way too annoying and peppy and positive.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 8:43 PM on March 24, 2011

Glad to see Metafilter likes DCT. I thought, for a few minutes, there were going to be all sorts of snarky dismissals and jokes about coke so I had to think of a way to show you various examples of what she writes about. I'm happy to see some of you have dug some of her other gems on your own.

Here's all the past advice if you want to sniff some more DCT in your own serving sizes.
posted by fantodstic at 10:23 PM on March 24, 2011

Thanks for sharing! Now Dan Savage has a friend in favorites
posted by teSiren at 1:02 AM on March 25, 2011

Did not expect to be spending hours on this.
posted by Mitheral at 5:21 AM on March 28, 2011