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"....prepares for the hunt."
April 14, 2011 8:30 PM   Subscribe

BBC Human Planet: The Douche For a few weeks, the BBC film crew had the opportunity to follow a unique specimen, they were able to observe and record its mannerisms, rituals and way of life. The result of this is BBC Human Planet: The Douche.
posted by Fizz (49 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite

 
The Beeb had to come all the way to America to find a douche? Or is the British counterpart a different species altogether?
posted by 2N2222 at 9:00 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


So that's what I'm doing wrong... one should actually go out to dance clubs.

Cute, but inaccurate - should have included "douches" at the end of the night preying on the drunk and the fat.

Having an actual investigative piece on the not "hot" and not desperate women would be a much better piece. Hell, I wonder if the percentage of "hot" women are as happy with end-night outcomes as "hot" dudes or otherwise self-declared "players."
posted by porpoise at 9:08 PM on April 14, 2011


The narrator's accent sounds like a mix between a Bostonian and those Asian bad guy aliens from the new Star Wars movies.
posted by Bugbread at 9:10 PM on April 14, 2011 [3 favorites]


...Okay. Doesn't everybody...I am so afraid to ask this...doesn't everybody do the pointing at yourself oh yeah you're bad thing in the mirror? Sometimes? We all. We all do that. ...right?
posted by kittens for breakfast at 9:13 PM on April 14, 2011 [7 favorites]


kittens, I don't do the point/gun-hands part but will occasionally give the "yeah" face.
posted by luftmensch at 9:16 PM on April 14, 2011 [2 favorites]


...Okay. Doesn't everybody...I am so afraid to ask this...doesn't everybody do the pointing at yourself oh yeah you're bad thing in the mirror? Sometimes? We all. We all do that. ...right?

Mine's more of a Travis Bickle in the mirror thing, but oh yeah, I'm with ya.
posted by katillathehun at 9:26 PM on April 14, 2011


Their commercial for a movie about illegal 4Loco is better.
posted by introp at 9:26 PM on April 14, 2011


This is a very superficial very broad sketch of the Douche. They're actually even worse.
posted by Skygazer at 9:33 PM on April 14, 2011 [2 favorites]


I wanted to laugh but it wasn't funny, so then I started thinking of everything said like it was actually true. That made me think: is it true the only thing that separates a regular guy from a douche is Aviators, a fo-hawk with gel, a popped collar and wanting to get into fights? Then I remembered no, I can't take this seriously...just a well made poorly written sketch.
posted by zephyr_words at 9:35 PM on April 14, 2011


Not douchey enough. Last night I saw the drummer of a band with 90s facial hair, hair colored bright red on the top doing drum spins. I know that sounds cool, but it was in such a way that he was obviously a complete douchebag.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:37 PM on April 14, 2011


Don't feed the douche.
posted by munchingzombie at 10:03 PM on April 14, 2011


I think it's pretty difficult to pull off 'the douche' if you aren't actually a douche. These guys are just not douchey enough for the role.
posted by mike_bling at 10:07 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


sponsored ad: Summer's Eve.
posted by aloiv2 at 10:20 PM on April 14, 2011 [2 favorites]


It sounded like a decent idea but it just wasn't funny, I think it might be lacking a big dollop of the absurd.
posted by Harpocrates at 10:44 PM on April 14, 2011


Bugbread: The narrator's accent sounds like a mix between a Bostonian and those Asian bad guy aliens from the new Star Wars movies.

I think it's supposed to be a reference to (German) Werner Herzog's narration of Grizzly Man.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:45 PM on April 14, 2011


Worst Herzog imitation I've heard. Watched a Herzog doco two nights ago, hung out with a guy who does Herzog imitations and didn't pick it up.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 10:58 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


My New Haircut
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 11:15 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


I would like to be a douche but it seems that douches look far cooler than I do. I feel the only solution is Dignitas.
posted by Decani at 11:23 PM on April 14, 2011


Yeah, this had a fun premise, but kinda failed to deliver. I did chuckle at "bronado" though.
posted by cj_ at 11:30 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]


Why would it be a reference to Herzog? Human Planet is narrated by John Hurt.
posted by jack_mo at 12:24 AM on April 15, 2011


Isn't John Hurt British? It sounded German-ish to me. Well, not British, anyway. But I may be looking for too much authenticity in a spoof video.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:41 AM on April 15, 2011


The narrator's accent sounds like a mix between a Bostonian and those Asian bad guy aliens from the new Star Wars movies.

He sounds like a douche.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:25 AM on April 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Wasn't the narrator an American trying to do David Attenborough? I don't know. I'm not even that interested.
posted by Summer at 2:46 AM on April 15, 2011


doesn't everybody do the pointing at yourself oh yeah you're bad thing in the mirror? Sometimes? We all. We all do that. ...right?

Only if I've remembered to put new batteries into the Darth Vader mask.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:52 AM on April 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


The Beeb had to come all the way to America to find a douche? Or is the British counterpart a different species altogether?

You're thinking of the ponce, a subgenus of douche found exclusively in the British Isles.
posted by Strange Interlude at 3:06 AM on April 15, 2011


You're thinking of the ponce, a subgenus of douche found exclusively in the British Isles.

I thought it'd be more a subgenus of the chav/geezer.
posted by acb at 3:21 AM on April 15, 2011


Isn't John Hurt British? It sounded German-ish to me. Well, not British, anyway. But I may be looking for too much authenticity in a spoof video.

Yeah - it sounded like an American doing posh English to me, and not very well - I can see how the clipped upper class accent attempt might slip into German, though.

Here's footage of Hurt recording his narration (and complaining that the script is 'too American').

A Grizzly Man douche spoof might've been funnier, too - a Herzogalike listening to gruesome chat up lines because the footage is too awful to screen!
posted by a little headband I put around my throat at 3:23 AM on April 15, 2011


I thought it'd be more a subgenus of the chav/geezer.

Or the lesser spotted lower league professional footballer (Pedifillium sunbedtanus).
posted by a little headband I put around my throat at 3:27 AM on April 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


The narrator killed it for me, couldn't get past the first 30s. I did watch their Boardwalk Loko tho. much more fun.
posted by lemuring at 4:25 AM on April 15, 2011


...Okay. Doesn't everybody...I am so afraid to ask this...doesn't everybody do the pointing at yourself oh yeah you're bad thing in the mirror? Sometimes? We all. We all do that. ...right?

Uhhh....no? I thought that was only a douchey stereotype.

Also, who were they beating up at the end?
posted by DU at 4:40 AM on April 15, 2011


That seemed so . . . laborious. This is a bit more fun: This Party Took a Turn for the Douche.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 5:03 AM on April 15, 2011 [4 favorites]


If people aren't sure if you're doing David Attenborough, John Hurt or Werner Herzog, you're in trouble. Although The Natural World with Werner Herzog would be great:

This is a moose. It will die. Parts of it will be eaten. Parts of it will quicken with maggots. Then at last it will be quiet.

Strike that. I want a Werner Herzog March of the Penguins.
posted by running order squabble fest at 5:09 AM on April 15, 2011 [6 favorites]


Arsenio, that was awesome. Were there cameos in there that I missed other than Sarah Silverman? One of those girls looked like the cousin from Arrested Development but I wasn't sure it was her.
posted by Aizkolari at 5:20 AM on April 15, 2011


Man, that was probably the worst rendition of BBC English I've ever heard... The whole thing seems kinda like a more mean-spirited copy of The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human...
posted by Dysk at 5:22 AM on April 15, 2011


I only turn the pointed finger into a gun finger if the guy in the mirror does it first. Sometimes I keep my second hand in gun finger Condition Red just out of sight in case mirror dude tries to pull a fast one. Can't risk him catching me unawares one day.
posted by longbaugh at 5:27 AM on April 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


I am proud finger pointing to myself in the mirror guy. I was born this way.
posted by josher71 at 6:19 AM on April 15, 2011


MIRROR GUY SHOT FIRST
posted by zamboni at 6:20 AM on April 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


kittens for breakfast: "...Okay. Doesn't everybody...I am so afraid to ask this...doesn't everybody do the pointing at yourself oh yeah you're bad thing in the mirror? Sometimes? We all. We all do that. ...right"

I just look, point at my head with the finger gun and begin sobbing quietly. Does that count?
posted by charred husk at 6:22 AM on April 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


Sunglasses in a dark club. HA!
posted by stormpooper at 6:31 AM on April 15, 2011


Were there cameos in there that I missed other than Sarah Silverman?

Ron Jeremy look-alike (couldn't really be him, could it?) at 2:13...
posted by jeanmari at 7:15 AM on April 15, 2011


I tend to think of douches as more obnoxiously in-your-face than this.

In my lexicon, they are the ones who speak overly loudly to draw attention to themselves. This is particularly obnoxious because their (never especially witty or insightful) observations are laced with casual chauvinism, gay slurs and, of course, frequent references to how incredibly badass they are. They high-five, punch shoulders and wrestle a lot but are aggressively homophobic.

Female douches (yes, they do exist, and I am not talking about 'feminine hygiene' products) do not chuckle appreciatively but shriek with laughter at even the most inane observation (again, this is because they want to draw attention), pepper their speech with casual profanity and throw out "fuck!" frequently purely for the shock value, call each other bitches and hos unironically and like to cause a scene by getting into public arguments with other douchey girls, usually over some douchey guy.
posted by misha at 7:56 AM on April 15, 2011


I just look, point at my head with the finger gun and begin sobbing quietly. Does that count?


Every night I put the finger against my head, while looking at a picture of my wife, and curl my middle finger back into the palm of my hand. It is causing my partner, Danny Glover, to worry about my stability, and whether he is too old for this shit.
posted by running order squabble fest at 8:04 AM on April 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


The accent was the standard middle school "I want to imitate a British accent but don't know how, so I'll just say "ah" instead of "r" and hope that an indistinct lisp will remind people of the Queen." People should be fined for this kind of thing.

I will give the short credit for one point of accuracy, though: I live a ten-minute ride down the street from where the establishing shots are taken, in Toronto, and it genuinely is obscene. The city used to have a club district, which was obnoxious in an all-ages kind of way, but now it's sprouted a full-bore douche district, which caters to blank-eyed older types. Getting downtown by foot, bike or transit means pushing through this area, which sits like a pop-collared, Axe-body-sprayed asteroid belt.

(This hat-tip towards location-specificity makes the American 20s all the more annoying. If you want to pretend to be American, get your establishing shots somewhere else, you dingbats! But maybe, uh, find some voiceover talent before you out yourselves as Canadian.)
posted by bicyclefish at 8:11 AM on April 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Douche isn't a British English word, though. Nobody uses it, at least not that I'm aware of, and it always sounds brash, American and in questionable taste when one hears it cross the Atlantic.

Closest UK equivalents - prat, twat, tosser, wanker... berk is a bit old-fashioned now (shame, given its origins), I guess.

Not going to watch this, though, unless it has Monty Python levels of surreality. Otherwise, it's just repeating a bit of the real world I go out of my way to avoid...
posted by Devonian at 8:13 AM on April 15, 2011


The best Mirror Me ever gets from Non-Mirror Me is a curt nod of approval. Usually we don't even make eye contact.

I ask you, then, which one of us is the REAL douche?
posted by AugieAugustus at 8:37 AM on April 15, 2011


In real life the douches would actually attract the women, "score" with them and leave them brokenhearted. They should have depicted this and also shown some respectful men trying to initiate a polite conversation and being scorned by the women, or worse being told "you're such a good friend."
posted by Rarebit Fiend at 10:03 AM on April 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


Yeah dog, I love to hate douches, brah, but that douche-hating film needed better pacing, acting, costume, writing, and music.
posted by Mister_A at 10:06 AM on April 15, 2011


Well I wouldn't know, I don't even own a mirror. /condescension

Also, I believe the female of the species is known as a "douchette".
posted by zoinks at 5:05 PM on April 15, 2011


Also, I believe the female of the species is known as a "douchette".

No, that's the leader of the Bloc Quebecois.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:16 PM on April 15, 2011


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