Get Drunk But Neither Broke Nor Fat

April 24, 2011 4:59 PM

If you ever needed to know which booze has the most alcohol, the fewest calories, and costs the least, but were too lazy to do the math yourself, there is now Get Drunk But Neither Broke Nor Fat.

previously
posted by spitefulcrow (130 comments total)

That's amusing, but there's not going to be a huge amount of difference between the vodkas, the low-carb beers, and the low-sugar wines. Beer and wine don't require distillation which is an expensive energy using technologically intensive process, but they are more expensive to ship because of the extra water they contain, which makes the comparison a bit of a wash. The reason Everclear stands out is in the really low shipment cost per unit of alcohol.

It's worth noting that both low-sugar wines and low-carb beers get low that way because the yeast are encouraged to go on as far as possible and convert every available bit of carbohydrate into alcohol. That makes them both more alcoholic and less non-alcohol calorific than other brands. If you drink beer for taste Michelob Ultra might seem like tapwater, but if you drink it to get drunk it's a very good choice.
posted by localroger at 5:10 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is there a hot delicous french fry version of this thread?
posted by helmutdog at 5:14 PM on April 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

Michelob Ultra clocks in at 4.2% ABV . That is pretty low for beer, most of which is around 6%.
posted by puny human at 5:18 PM on April 24, 2011

So the recommendation is... combine Everclear and Old English High Gravity 800?

I think there needs to be a third criteria here. We've covered the "drunk" and "not fat" axes, but what about "not deathly ill"?
posted by valkyryn at 5:19 PM on April 24, 2011 [9 favorites]

Is there a hot delicous french fry version of this thread?

This question applies to everything:

1. Is there a hot delicious french fry version of this software?
2. Is there a hot delicious french fry version of this tv show?
3. Is there a hot delicious french fry version of this potato?

etc.
posted by device55 at 5:19 PM on April 24, 2011 [5 favorites]

I just get the maltliquors when I'm broke or the strong ales when I'm feeling sporty.
posted by jonmc at 5:19 PM on April 24, 2011

helmutdog- no salt, sprinkled w/ malt vinegar. fresh cut, fried once? Certainly not dipped in mayo.
posted by kittensofthenight at 5:19 PM on April 24, 2011

For the beer side of things, strong as shit malt liquors diluted w/ everclear make me gag just thinking about it. diluted w/ OJ, however, and I'm ready to hit the corner store.
posted by kittensofthenight at 5:21 PM on April 24, 2011

puny human, you are correct but as the OP is trying to establish there is the orthogonal thing of all the fattening stuff that isn't in the beer, so you can drink more.
posted by localroger at 5:23 PM on April 24, 2011

kittensoftheight: strong as shit malt liquors diluted w/ everclear

I don't think "diluted" is the right word there.
posted by localroger at 5:24 PM on April 24, 2011 [8 favorites]

puny human, you are correct

If you say this in the voice of Marvin the Martian, it becomes progressively more hilarious.
posted by jonmc at 5:24 PM on April 24, 2011 [5 favorites]

There should have been an earth-shattering belch!
posted by localroger at 5:27 PM on April 24, 2011

So calorie-wise, I guess I should change from the sort of person who drinks rich, complex beers to the kind of person who drinks rich, complex scotches. Is that right?
posted by naju at 5:28 PM on April 24, 2011

Because I could see myself doing that. But I could never switch to Bud Light.
posted by naju at 5:29 PM on April 24, 2011

O'Doul's: Fat, broke and sober. The saddest drink on earth.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 5:30 PM on April 24, 2011 [29 favorites]

I don't even want to imagine the hangover the next day when you get drunk on an Everclear, Olde English cocktail. What do you even call that?
posted by codacorolla at 5:31 PM on April 24, 2011

disgustingly reinforced?
I love that the ideal ratio of everclear to OE is 2.5/1. It's unfathomable that anyone would drink that. Just add mouthwash and rubbing alcohol or hand sanitizer to the list.
posted by kittensofthenight at 5:32 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Actually, one of the related posts for this one is titled "hitting bottom", which I think is a pretty good name for such an mixture.
posted by codacorolla at 5:32 PM on April 24, 2011

What do you even call that?

"Gimme a Pareto Optimal."
posted by cortex at 5:32 PM on April 24, 2011 [20 favorites]

What does Everclear taste like?
posted by malibustacey9999 at 5:35 PM on April 24, 2011

My circle of friends calls this the Bodine value.
posted by mkb at 5:36 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

What does Everclear taste like?

No one remembers.
posted by you're a kitty! at 5:36 PM on April 24, 2011 [31 favorites]

What does Everclear taste like?

Death on fire.
posted by codacorolla at 5:36 PM on April 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

Burning.
posted by Ufez Jones at 5:36 PM on April 24, 2011 [10 favorites]

Damn, y'all are quick.
posted by Ufez Jones at 5:37 PM on April 24, 2011

Yeah, Everclear isn't really a taste. Undiluted, it's such a high concentration of alcohol that it literally tastes like the "burn" of more typical hard liquor but more so and with nothing else going on.

Water it down and it tastes like a characterless vodka.
posted by cortex at 5:38 PM on April 24, 2011

Water it down and it tastes like a characterless vodka.

So you mean "vodka"
posted by device55 at 5:40 PM on April 24, 2011 [11 favorites]

Basically Everyclear burns as it goes down your throat, and then it hits your stomach, and you feel your world shift in profound and unnatural ways.

I recommend against it.
posted by codacorolla at 5:41 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Someone needs to make a version of this chart that a drunk person could actually decipher.
posted by crackingdes at 5:41 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't even want to imagine the hangover the next day when you get drunk on an Everclear, Olde English cocktail. What do you even call that?

Mother of all hangovers
The first day of the rest of your life
The reason you join AA
I got nothin'.
posted by spitefulcrow at 5:46 PM on April 24, 2011

This post has inspired me to pour myself a Macallan on the rocks. I was happy to spend the money. The calories can go right to my hips. I have scotch, and life is good.
posted by honeydew at 5:46 PM on April 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

Nobody buys Everclear intending to drink it straight. It's meant to be mixed with something.
posted by localroger at 5:46 PM on April 24, 2011

Someone needs to make a version of this chart that a drunk person could actually decipher.

Why? The flowchart implicitly preceding this chart begins with [Are You Already Drunk?]-Yes->[Done!]
posted by roystgnr at 5:47 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Making a habit of drinking Everclear straight will set you on a path to throat cancer or other throat ailments. Alcohol really doesn't like to have so little water mixed with it and as it goes down it will cause some of the surface cells in your trachea to burst, emptying out the fluid inside...
posted by 445supermag at 5:49 PM on April 24, 2011

What does Everclear taste like?

A vague sense of regret having to do with the last time you consumed Everclear, but you can't put your finger on the exact reason why.
posted by spitefulcrow at 5:50 PM on April 24, 2011 [5 favorites]

It seems to me that if cost is an issue then you should be looking at calories as a benefit and displacing calories from somewhere else with attendant cost reduction.
posted by biffa at 5:54 PM on April 24, 2011

They're not really accounting for the wasted alcohol lost to vomit. Which is gonna be a big factor in an Old English/Everclear mix.
posted by kafziel at 5:55 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

GHB: only one calorie!
posted by Nelson at 5:56 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

As a Guinness drinker, fat and broke is my life goal.


Just slowly, that's all.
posted by Jehan at 5:58 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Screw these graphs, Bum Wine is where it's at.
posted by TrialByMedia at 5:58 PM on April 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

Everclear tastes like a viking funeral. That's where I'm a viking!

Also, once you get past 40, it doesn't matter what you drink, you're going to get fat anyway. Sigh.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:59 PM on April 24, 2011

This post has inspired me to pour myself a Macallan on the rocks. I was happy to spend the money. The calories can go right to my hips. I have scotch, and life is good.

If you check out Get Drunk Not Fat, straight whiskeys have some of the lowest calories-per-fl. oz-ethanol ratios. They lose out in the combined rankings due to cost.

I think we need to do a study surveying drinking habits at every age bracket and plot the responses on the cost-vs-calories curve. I'm going to guess that the line starts in cheap-but-fattening (college, new drinkers), heads over to expensive-and-fattening (first job out of college, drinking the same drinks with better base spirits), and then takes a sharp dip into expensive-and-less-fattening (turn 25, realize your metabolism is slowing down).
posted by spitefulcrow at 5:59 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Whiskey! the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
posted by The Whelk at 6:02 PM on April 24, 2011

(I've got a good inch on my waist that I blame on being turned on to tasty local beers)
posted by The Whelk at 6:04 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Nobody buys Everclear intending to drink it straight. It's meant to be mixed with something.

Tell that to the Japanese exchange students I used to hang out with. I have some Fear and Loathing quality memories (?) of wild parties with multi-colored strobe lights where everyone is either weeping in pain or speaking gibberish to me while I reel around trying to hit on girls that don't know what I'm saying either.

I miss those guys...
posted by cmoj at 6:04 PM on April 24, 2011 [6 favorites]

(but I am an American so it is bourbon, really)
posted by The Whelk at 6:05 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

(or Rye, cause I am From History)
posted by The Whelk at 6:06 PM on April 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

I AM DRUNK ON HAMTRAMICK SAUSAGE!
posted by clavdivs at 6:09 PM on April 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

What does Everclear taste like?

Based on my experience, it tastes like normal jello, but that might be because I was already pretty drunk and was like "Oh jello FUCK YES" because I love me some jello and at the time it seemed perfectly reasonable that there would just be some jello sitting around because who doesn't love jello?

Then it turns out that it was made with Everclear and I just couldn't tell because I was already blitzed and then I don't have a particularly strong sense of the rest of the evening.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:10 PM on April 24, 2011 [7 favorites]

Feh, calories don't count as much as people think they do. Stay away from carbs, i.e. beer, and just drink distilled liquor with sugar free mixers. A cap full of ever clear in a tumbler with diet soda, and you're golden!
posted by d1rge at 6:12 PM on April 24, 2011

lets talk 'shine'
posted by clavdivs at 6:13 PM on April 24, 2011

kicks like a 20 dollar mule
posted by clavdivs at 6:13 PM on April 24, 2011

My vote is for inexpensive kinds of tequila or gin. They mix well with juice (Cranberry Light Ocean Spray if you're counting calories).

See, that way you're getting your drunk, not fat, and not scurvy at the same time!
Trifecta of delight!

...but really one shouldn't be taking drinking advice from someone still in college. No one should ever need to drink Everclear. *shudders*
posted by lemuring at 6:14 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Tallboy of Faxe 10% times two equals five bucks.

It's not complicated.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:16 PM on April 24, 2011

I drink only distilled water, or rainwater, and only pure-grain alcohol.
posted by stbalbach at 6:18 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Taking a more abstract approach, what would be the cheapest combination of sugar, yeast, and still to produce 100 proof alcohol?

Sugar: I've guessing high fructose corn syrup (karo syrup) in bulk would be the best bet. Other suggestions?

Yeast: I know nothing about this one.

Vat: to hold the fermented mash. I'm guessing Home Depot could help.

Still: from http://www.moonshine-still.com/ "In contrast, this site contains a step-by-step guide to building a relatively sophisticated home distillation apparatus that produces a highly refined distillate. The still is made from commonly available materials, with simple hand tools, and can be built for under $100.USD."

Everclear is 17.99 for 750ml. Give me time; I can beat that.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:18 PM on April 24, 2011

Scene, a party. A New York party. A fashion-y, new york party crowd. So there is that and I'm shoving cucumber sticks and tiny tuna taratre in my mouth cause I don't want to talk to anyone cause this apartment is worth more then anyone in my family has ever made, combined, and there is the fashion group and the Wall Street crowd and they're both orbiting around each other trying to establish what kind of symbiotic relationship is best and I don't know anyone.

I end up next to a slightly older model type. I don't know, she could have been Fashion or Wall Street, I didn't know. She looked expensive. Like the kind of expensive you can;t get at a store. Like you have to know somebody who knows somebody to make that kind of outfit and poise.

She's got a rock crystal glass, brown liquid, smells like peat moss and wood, no ice. I never would have talked to her except I had a good 3 or 4 bourbon drinks in me and the giddy thrill of being in a place where I know no one and will never ever meet these people again, and I say, out loud

"I thought you people just drank codka, cause it has no sugar."

She looked at me. Looked at my hand of tuna tartare and empty glass and rubber soled shoes and made a hard kinf of eye contact and said:

"Codka is made from potatoes."

And then she turned her head hard and vanished. Cause seriously. Potatoes.
posted by The Whelk at 6:20 PM on April 24, 2011 [7 favorites]

But sugar is toxic! :O

posted by lemuring at 6:20 PM on April 24, 2011

codka exists only in Iceland.
posted by The Whelk at 6:22 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Codka martini. Shaken, not stirred. Tartar on the side.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 6:23 PM on April 24, 2011

...and now I'm blind.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:24 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

We used to try to drink 190 proof Everclear, just sipping capfuls of it. It would take the skin right off your lips. Good times. I think.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 6:24 PM on April 24, 2011

Something's fishy about that codka story...
posted by kirkaracha at 6:24 PM on April 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

So ironic, I am going cold turkey right now and in the throes of withdrawal. So I log in here to distract me. At least talking about alcohol helps a little bit. Everclear is poison, I should know, but it is like the biggest bang for your gut and checking account. Probably not so much for your liver and brain and everything else in your life.

It's my belief that if you are drinking Everclear cocktails or straight, you need to stop drinking. You have a problem. Personal experience on that one. Wish me luck that I get through tonight. The shakes and sweats are already here. It's only been 24 hours too. Xanax should help tonight though.
posted by WilliamMD at 6:25 PM on April 24, 2011 [13 favorites]

\The first thing anyone should do with a bottle of 190 proof Everclear is pour it into a bottle twice as big as the original bottle, and fill the rest of the bottle with distilled water to bring it down from 95% ethanol down to 40-something percent -- down to something that won't kill you if you if you happen to pour a little heavy.
posted by smcameron at 6:25 PM on April 24, 2011

a good codka martini still has the tail in it. Garnished with roe.
posted by The Whelk at 6:25 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Codka sounds like something only a locavore could love.
posted by Forktine at 6:25 PM on April 24, 2011

I was in the focus group testing for Ciroc Ultra Premium Vodka. So I'm partially responsible for those awful Diddy vodka ads. I'm sorry.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:27 PM on April 24, 2011

Old English High Gravity 800 was responsible for one of the worst drunks I have ever experienced in high school. There was a police response, gay sex, thwarted lesbian lust, a trip to the hospital and a roll down the center aisle of a New York City bus (much to the amusement of fellow passengers involved.)

However, the story I wrote about that night got me into the college writing program of my choice, so it's not all bad.
posted by ltracey at 6:27 PM on April 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

a good codka needs the heads still floating in the bottle.
posted by The Whelk at 6:29 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

There was a police response, gay sex, thwarted lesbian lust, a trip to the hospital and a roll down the center aisle of a New York City bus (much to the amusement of fellow passengers involved.)

GO ON
posted by The Whelk at 6:30 PM on April 24, 2011 [6 favorites]

I drink brandy or whiskey: no carbs, fewer calories than beer, and since I hate getting drunk, I tend to drink slow and limit myself.

My days of killing a flat of beer in one night are long, long gone.

My liver thanks me.
posted by bwg at 6:33 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

This reminds of Venedikt Erofeev's Soviet cocktail recipes from Moscow to the End of the Line:

Balsam of Canaan
Methylated spirits - 100 g.
Velvet stout - 200 g.
Furniture polish, filtered - 100 g.

Spirit of Geneva
Treatment for sweaty feet - 50 g.
Zhigulevskoe beer - 200 g.
Lacquer, alcohol-based - 150 g.

Tear of a Komsomol Girl
Lavender cologne - 15 g.
Verbena drops - 15 g.
"Forest Water" air freshener liquid - 30 g.
Nail polish - 2 g.
Mouthwash - 150 g.
Lemonade - 150 g.

Sonofabitch
Zhigulevskoe beer - 100 g.
Sadko-brand shampoo - 30 g.
Anti-dandruff resin treatment - 70 g.
Treatment for sweaty feet - 30 g.
Pesticide for small insects - 20 g.
posted by nasreddin at 6:35 PM on April 24, 2011 [6 favorites]

One time, years ago, I was listening to the old Adam Carolla radio show back when Danny Bonaduce was still on it, and like nearly everyone who listened to the show, I was waiting for Danny to say something with his near-perfect anti-comedic timing and ruin the 10 to 20% of the time when Carolla actually said something funny.

A woman called in, mentioned that she was a big girl and liked drinking. Adam and Teresa's advice was pretty vague: neither of them could see how she could possibly reconcile her wish to lose some weight and still get her drink on.

Then Danny stepped in. With his experience as a gym rat and recovering alcoholic, he was able to explain that the Atkins diet used to be known as the "drinker's diet", and the key was to keep to clear alcohols and to avoid other carbs.

Adam and Teresa were silent; this time, in shock and admiration as opposed to exasperation and annoyance (perhaps I'm projecting). And I remember thinking, "So that's what Danny Bonaduce's good for."
posted by UrineSoakedRube at 6:38 PM on April 24, 2011 [7 favorites]

Woah! this beer sounds interesting...you can go, get drunk and be merry without gaining those ugly looking beer bellies and even at an affordable price..how cool is that?!
posted by joygustilo at 6:42 PM on April 24, 2011

Everclear is the drink of choice on Russian Submarines, because it's so compact. Someone produced a bottle to taunt our Russian Submarinist friend, and he poured a juice glass full and slugged it down. He didn't drink anything else all night, for the first time in anyone's recollection. Called on that, he says, "yeah I'm crazy, but I'm not stupid."
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:46 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

I know not one or two but many people in the Image Industry who eat nothing but steak and salad and drink noting but water and scotch.

And Seltzer.

So. So. So. So much Seltzer.

the bubbles, they fill you up
posted by The Whelk at 6:48 PM on April 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

Sometimes I think I did the whole ditch the car ride and a bike as much as possible thing just to keep my beer belly in check.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 6:50 PM on April 24, 2011

I'm just saying, there are solutions to this problem that don't involve drinking crap.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 6:51 PM on April 24, 2011

codka

Feh. Everyone knows that a real martini is made with fin.
posted by bonehead at 6:51 PM on April 24, 2011 [6 favorites]

Remember to use Rye bread, not white, to filter your Sterno, otherwise its unhealthy.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:54 PM on April 24, 2011

Lady: I'm cutting out carbs. it's the only way I've ever lost weight
Gentleman: Really? I just work out really hard for a few weeks and eat what I want!
Lady: (eyes narrowing, memories of a thousand sweaty hours of dance practice filling the air) I think it's different for girls.
posted by The Whelk at 6:56 PM on April 24, 2011

I love watching Americans in Australian liquor stores.

'This price is for a case, right? Right?'
posted by obiwanwasabi at 6:58 PM on April 24, 2011

I remember the long surprised face of the Icelandic liquor store clerk, looking at me, looking at my shopping and then carefully, obviously, removing the tax tariff from the booze and saying "Enjoy your stay in Iceland!".
posted by The Whelk at 7:01 PM on April 24, 2011

Seriously. I was amazed that anybody could afford to drink as much as they did when I was in Canberra last year.
posted by KGMoney at 7:04 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've never seen a bigger, busier duty free liquor store, then at the Reykjavík airport. It was like IKEA.
posted by The Whelk at 7:04 PM on April 24, 2011

> I've never seen a bigger, busier duty free liquor store, then at the Reykjavík airport. It was like IKEA.

I've never seen liquor prices more jaw-droppingly high than in downtown Reykjavik. $70 for a bottle of chardonnay wine that sells for $5 at the Chevron in Blaine WA, hello??

On my way home from Norway last Sunday I bought a bottle of Icelandic Reyka vodka (it's not codka ;). It was $19 at the duty free.
posted by seawallrunner at 7:11 PM on April 24, 2011

There was a police response, gay sex, thwarted lesbian lust, a trip to the hospital and a roll down the center aisle of a New York City bus (much to the amusement of fellow passengers involved.)

However, the story I wrote about that night got me into the college writing program of my choice, so it's not all bad.

Seconding The Whelk here. This story needs to be shared for the good of all.
posted by spitefulcrow at 7:15 PM on April 24, 2011

What does Everclear taste like?

Have you ever been spraying hair spray and inadvertently turned your head, with mouth open, into a residual cloud of the stuff? That's part of the flavor profile, hair spray. With a hint of gasoline, all liberally coated with a sense of overwhelming heat and wrongness.
posted by empyrean at 7:15 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Here's to Simpler Times!
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 7:16 PM on April 24, 2011

hide the pearl onions from codka
posted by clavdivs at 7:31 PM on April 24, 2011

Basically Everyclear burns as it goes down your throat, and then it hits your stomach, and you feel your world shift in profound and unnatural ways.

I recommend against it.

I would also point out that when very strong liquors leave your body not via vomiting but via normal bodily processes, there can be a whole other kind of burning going on. (As there is when you eat violently hot peppers). No one warned me of this before I drank too much vodka that one time and....yeah. I don't even want to know what Everclear does.
posted by emjaybee at 7:40 PM on April 24, 2011

One short round glass: Everclear and orange soda

on the other side of the table:

One short round glass: Everclear, milk, blue food coloring

Now you're drinking with portals.
posted by Greg Nog at 7:41 PM on April 24, 2011 [16 favorites]

God, this reminds me of some great budget parties that we had back in college.

- Everclear and Kool-Aid night.

- "Love Potion" night (mix a 24-pack of PBR with an entire 1.75L handle of Popov vodka, add an entire plastic jug full of Countrytime Lemonade powder mix, stir with a piece of rebar that you ripped out of the dorm wall). Also known as "Alcohol Probation Punch".

- "40 Forties", a fundraising drinkathon where 9 participants lock themselves in a dorm room biodome style with 40 Forties of malt liquor, and are sponsored by the general public to drink mass quantities of Olde English. Similar to getting sponsored for a marathon, jump-rope-athon or whatever, but pukier. All antics captured on webcam. All proceeds go to funding future editions of Love Potion night.
posted by adamk at 7:58 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

blue kool-aid would be better than milk and blue food coloring for the portals drinks. Everclear does NOT go with milk. Trust me.
posted by stoneweaver at 8:01 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Wow. Until I read this thread, I thought that Everclear was some kind of alcohol-based cleaning solution. Which, perhaps, it is.

So... where on this chart is Sterno?
posted by SPrintF at 8:15 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Everclear is useful stuff in that any mixed drink that you might make with vodka, you can make with Everclear, use less of the stuff (so the same amount of alcohol), and not water it down as much. Thus the drink is more tasty.

What everyone actually does, of course, is put in the same amount of Everclear that they would of 80 proof vodka, and then they wonder what the license plate number of the truck that hit them was.
posted by Kadin2048 at 8:18 PM on April 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

Lab ethanol (the good stuff, spec grade) was a favourite for hiking trips because it meant you weren't hauling all that unnecessary water weight. A litre of that plus a dozen packets of Purplesaurus Rex and/or Blue berry blast (cut four or five to one) would last for at least a week of hiking for a group of four. We had a lot of backwoods medical emergencies that required frequent application of the cure, you understand. Dehydration, chiefly. The raw stuff would take your thought out though.
posted by bonehead at 8:22 PM on April 24, 2011

Lab ethanol (the good stuff, spec grade)

Even though it's so much more pure than drinking alcohol, unless you're getting it from a food-safe source it's really not a good thing to drink. The most common way of purifying it leaves behind a bit of carcinogenic benzene.
posted by you're a kitty! at 9:01 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

My highschool chemistry teacher made a yearly trip from Seattle to Oregon to stock up on Everclear, because the 190-proof version is illegal in WA, but was significantly cheaper than her available sources of chemistry-grade undenatured ethanol...
posted by heyforfour at 9:05 PM on April 24, 2011

Thanks! This is great. There's a very interesting theorem in economics that I have my grad students learn called the Allen-Alchian theorem. It's more popularly known as "shipping the good apples out". I think it could have some relevance here.

The law of demand is also sometimes called Hicks' first law of demand. It states that when the relative price of a good rises, individuals will consume less of it. (Because Hicks postulated these laws using a method called "expenditure minimization", there are only substitution effects, and thus no "Giffen good" phenomena where higher prices causes people to consume more of it. You get that only if you allow for income effects, which comes out of a utility maximization framework).

I will ignore the second law so that this is as short as possible, but the third law is kind of odd. It says that if you cause two goods that are close substitutes to increase by the same amount (say like a tax or some fixed shipping charge), then (a) people will consume less of each [first law], but (b) they will consume more of the better good than before. The phrase "shipping the good apples out" refers to this observation that in Washington state, all the best apples are shipped out of state, and Hicks' third law says that this is because all apples from Washington will face the same increase in cost due to shipping charges, so people will just buy more of the better apples. Think of it like this:

good apples=$1 apiece
ordinary apples = $0.50 apiece

Price of good apples (pg) is two times that of price of ordinary apples (po).

If you taxed them both such that it caused their prices to increase by $1, then pg=$2 and po=$1.50. Now pg/po=$2/$1.50=1.33. Now the higher quality apples are only 33% more expensive. If you taxed them by $5 apiece, then the ratio is pg/po=$6/$5.50=1.09 or 9% more expensive. So now tax them both by $10,000 and you get pg/po=$10,001/$10,000.50= 1.00005, or almost identical. So why not just buy the better apples if they basically cost almost the same thing?

Seeing this post about everclear and Mad Dog 20/20 made me think back to being in high school where this was what me and my buddies drank - everclear, Mad Dog 20/20 and malt liquor by the 40 oz. Now i'm reading that the bang per buck is higher for these, and it makes me wonder if the tax rates on alcohol could be skewing people towards drinking both less alcohol, but if they drink, drink more of this stuff.
posted by scunning at 9:27 PM on April 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

It's worth noting that both low-sugar wines and low-carb beers get low that way because the yeast are encouraged to go on as far as possible and convert every available bit of carbohydrate into alcohol. That makes them both more alcoholic and less non-alcohol calorific than other brands. If you drink beer for taste Michelob Ultra might seem like tapwater, but if you drink it to get drunk it's a very good choice.

Yeah. That's just not true at all. Very high alcohol beers like IIPAs and barley wines are extremely high in sugar. The lowcarb beers are all pretty low alcohol.
posted by proj at 9:30 PM on April 24, 2011

The problem with Sterno is that it's denatured - there's crap added to it so it'll make you sick/poison you if you drink it. With Sterno, it's methanol which your body will convert to an aldehyde and for some reason targets (or is poorly removed from) your eyeballs rendering you progressively blind.

As for lab stuff... 96% non-denatured is what you go for. 96% is about as pure as you can distill using traditional methods; you just can't distill out the remaining 4% water. These are typically labeled as non-denatured. For a lot of biology stuff, you need to use non-denatured ethanol. In Canada, we have to pay a liquor tax on this stuff (or get an exemption).

98% and 100% are typically achieved by using hexane (or benzene) to drive off the extra water, then distilled again the raise the ethanol %. These are still labeled as denatured.

However, there are ways to get 100% (as close to) ethanol by various osmotic methods. Rarely are these ever labeled as non-denatured and "they" let people assume that it is. This stuff, though, needs liquor tax to be paid on it (or that exemption).

Mixed with ddH₂O and aerated, it's the Platonic ideal for vodka. Non-aerated, it's shit - ddH₂O tastes awful, but almost tastes like normal water once aerated and chilled. Not saying that a Platonic Ideal is actually a practical ideal. I prefer it mixed with a mineral-rich water like Fiji, aerated and chilled.

Word of warning; this stuff is "recycled" - what from? Who knows (unless you ask)? The again, it's pretty fucking close to 100% and HPLC shows nothing but 99.999% EtOH.
posted by porpoise at 9:35 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Oh, it also makes a difference what kind of container it has been stored in; glass carboy? Golden. Cheap metal can, red plastic jerry can? You might be out of luck.

Oh, and yeah, this is all completely theoretical. Completely.
posted by porpoise at 9:38 PM on April 24, 2011

We packed azeotrpoic ethanol strictly for medicinal purposes, you understand. Benzene and hexanes are pretty easy to identify by a variety of spectroscopies, or so I've heard.
posted by bonehead at 9:48 PM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Yeast: I know nothing about this one."

Champagne yeast and Koji mold

Its even cheaper, and much better if you ferment day old bread
posted by Blasdelb at 10:49 PM on April 24, 2011

Pardon for jumping in late, but wanted to share my favorite aphorism regarding the effects of drinking everclear straight:

"you pass out from the shock, then wake up drunk."

That is all.
posted by 7segment at 11:38 PM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Remember to use Rye bread, not white, to filter your Sterno, otherwise its unhealthy.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:54 PM on April 24

And if you're lucky, the rye will have been parasitized by ergot, and you'll get, like, totally high, too!
posted by mingo_clambake at 11:55 PM on April 24, 2011

I once accidentally took a hefty-sized shot (not a standard shot glass, but, like, twice that) of Everclear, thinking it was vodka. I very nearly vomited immediately. It felt like my body was screaming, "Poison! Poison!"

It also caused me to have the nastiest everclear-tastin burps EVER.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:57 PM on April 24, 2011

The most common way of purifying it leaves behind a bit of carcinogenic benzene.

A desirable attribute for Arcturan Mega-gin. More ice!
posted by obiwanwasabi at 12:18 AM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

> Old English High Gravity 800 was responsible for one of the worst drunks I have ever experienced in high school.

I kicked the messiest night I had at library school off with a couple of cans of Faxe and a bottle of Old English, then headed off to a bar, where my last clear memory is of ordering a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade...all three of which I had never drunk before and haven't touched since.
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:09 AM on April 25, 2011

Blasdelb: "Champagne yeast and Koji mold"

Wouldn't turbo yeast make more alcohol before dying off? (The stuff they use to make fuel.)
posted by mkb at 5:50 AM on April 25, 2011

The problem with some of those yeasts is that they make a lot of other short-chain hydrocarbons in addition to straight EtOH.

Champagne yeast is very easily obtainable and has a pretty high resistance to ethanol and doesn't make a lot of undesirable byproducts (taste-wise and not-fuck-you-up-in-a-bad-way-wise).

Get some cheap apple juice (I use Sunripe 100% not from concentrate when its on sale), say 8L. Get your hands on 6 2L pop bottles. Clean well. Divide juice equally. Add about 170g of white granulated sugar. Cap and dissolve by shaking. Reconsitute 1/2 pack (25g) of champagne yeast in a little warm water. After 10min, divide equally into the 6 bottles. Take a sandwich baggy, cut corner off (maybe 1cm hypotenuse). Insert bendy straw (short side) 1/2-3/4 way in, tape around to seal. Stick another straw into the other end to make it longer, tape. Put short end (inside baggie) into bottle mouth, baggie goes over the top of the bottle. Take a rubber band and wrap itself around itself around the neck of the bottle to create a seal. Stick long end of straw in a container of water. Stick someplace dry, coolish, and dark.

It should get foamy overnight, peaking in a couple of days then slowly subside. It will clear in about 2-3 weeks. Just before completely clearing, decant into another clean 2L bottle. It should be a little bit murky. Add a teaspoon-tablespoon of sugar, cap tightly, and dissolve. Return to dark place. In another week or so, it'll completely clear (except for some sediment on the bottom). If after shaking gently inverting, the sediment precipitates out overnight, it's ready. All of these steps are made easier if you have a funnel.

Crack the cap and you've got fizzy, dry, 10-14% ABV hard cider.

A friend of mine remarked, "it tastes like apple juice, are you sure..." prior to finishing off a pint mug of this stuff. About half an hour later he had on my goalie mask and wanted to run around with a meat cleaver.

Much more fun than 4Loco.
posted by porpoise at 7:53 AM on April 25, 2011 [17 favorites]

Poroise: What's the absolute worst thing that could happen if you mucked up the preparation of your hobo-cider (say, not cleaning thoroughly enough)? Stomach ache, lesions... madness?
posted by codacorolla at 8:07 AM on April 25, 2011

codacorolla: "Poroise: What's the absolute worst thing that could happen if you mucked up the preparation of your hobo-cider (say, not cleaning thoroughly enough)? Stomach ache, lesions... madness?"

The Complete Guide to Homebrewing says that the worst that will happen is a nasty flavor due to wild yeast getting in there. Some people like the sour and the funk. I don't :(
posted by mkb at 8:32 AM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Bum Wine is where it's at.

Ah, yes. Orange Cisco.
posted by jsavimbi at 8:47 AM on April 25, 2011

...a couple of cans of Faxe...
posted by The Card Cheat

According to that link, Faxe is "...easily drinkable and an excellent alternative to drinks..."
posted by StickyCarpet at 9:31 AM on April 25, 2011

With enough live commercial champagne yeast, it should outcompete just about anything. If you're worried, start with twice as much yeast as I had indicated. Once the alcohol level goes to 1-2%, bacteria should die. WORST case scenario is that you get some mild food poisoning (even dead bacteria can give you the runs). But given that much yeast, unless the bottle has enough bacteria in it to get you sick, like visible amounts of bacteria, it's not going to be a problem. With the "hobo airlock," nothing's going to fall/fly/crawl into the cider-to-be.

It should smell faintly of apples and, maybe, booze - if it smells sour, or otherwise bad, or you see stuff floating on top (like, mold colonies), or slimy crunk, dump the lot and try again. I've had a bit of mold growing in the water jar but the batch turned out fine and under light microscopy (no staining), it looked like some sort of penicillium, and a spot of that was bacteristatic on a e.coli lawn grown on LB.

I've done this several times a year for the last couple and haven't had a bad outcome. I usually use old pop bottles, washed well with dish detergent (screw cap, shake vigorously, wash out, fill completely+dump x3), dry with the top pointed down, stored with cap lightly screwed in.

Worst case that happened was that I let the primary go on too long so there wasn't enough live yeast for a good secondary and that batch came out too sweet and not very fizzy.

I've re-used yeast. It works best if you start another round of primaries when you transfer to secondary. I've also saved yeast in a glass jar in the fridge for a couple of weeks. The primary took a lot longer than normal (and I used much more yeast than normal, I even tried to "wake it up" by adding a little honey and putting the bottle in a crude warm water bath) but otherwise works.
posted by porpoise at 9:36 AM on April 25, 2011

Whoops; caught a mistake. It should be:

8L in 5 2L bottles
10L in 6 2L bottles
posted by porpoise at 9:53 AM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

What's missing from the main title is: and while you are at it, why the hell should you be concerned about getting drunk without becoming broke or fat? It's not like you're going to conceal your troubles and misery by looking "posh" drunk (see Amy Winehouse).
posted by elpapacito at 11:05 AM on April 25, 2011

When the electricity in my house goes out (often) I cook indoors with an alcohol stove, using Everclear. The fumes are non-toxic, unlike petro-based camp stoves, which should be used outdoors. Though a bit pricey, the clean burn makes it worth it. And it burns super hot and fast, better than white gas.
posted by stbalbach at 11:17 AM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

And it burns super hot and fast, better than white gas.
posted by stbalbach

I take the Path Train to Jersey to buy half gallons, but I don't drink it. Mixed with dried shellac it's so much better than the denatured shellac products. It's a very good cleaning solvent for delicate equipment, too. It dries fast and has a pleasant smell.
posted by StickyCarpet at 1:11 PM on April 25, 2011

blue kool-aid would be better than milk and blue food coloring for the portals drinks. Everclear does NOT go with milk. Trust me.

To each their own, I suppose, but I kinda love Everclear and milk!
posted by Greg Nog at 2:34 PM on April 25, 2011

porpoise has it (and that's a damn cool idea for a blow-off valve - much better than OzTops). We like to crash chill once it hits around 6-7%, then dilute with fresh juice down to 3-3.5% - it puts back some apple flavour and sweetness, cuts the fizz and makes a nice session cider. A little cloudiness doesn't worry us. Cutting with pear juice is also good.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 4:09 PM on April 25, 2011

Greg Nog, I think I ... I just ... ... well. To each their own applies even to booze. My mind, it boggles, I tell you.
posted by stoneweaver at 4:39 PM on April 25, 2011

Stoneweaver... maybe Greg Nog likes cottage cheese? Then again... Nog.

Thanks obiwanwasabi - but I like my ciders bone dry and I actually like the bubbles*. "It's pronounced shamp-ag-na."

When I get the added sugar/timing right, my cider ought to have less or about-the-same calories than ultra light beer; most coming from EtOH, fruit proteins, and trace metabolic small molecules from the yeast.

*If you want to win a farting championship, start a batch of cider and drink a glass of immature murky cider (without the crash chill, day 6 or 7 might be optimal) and eat a plate of pasta. MASSIVE Cthuloid-waking (non-smelly but also not inflammable/flammable CO₂) farts. Long and steady, one lined up right next to each other for a rip. All evening long.

The first time I tried to make cider I wanted to see if it actually worked (made ethanol and murky stuff wasn't bacteria that would make me shit my guts out) but was impatient.
posted by porpoise at 5:51 PM on April 25, 2011

Malibu and Milk go oddly well together (we call it a "dust storm", since my friend came up with it while holding down a shade structure in a dust storm at burning man. they were the only two ingredients he could reach.), as does red gatorade and bourbon (which doesn't have an amusing name, just the surprised look on people's faces when they drink it and I tell them what it is).

Taste buds are weird.
posted by flaterik at 6:19 PM on April 25, 2011

Greg Nog: Now you're drinking with portals.

Yes, um... about that. (Full disclosure: shameless, albeit topical, self-link.)

It seemed like a good idea in the heat of the moment. (Couldn't bring myself to try the milk, though.)
posted by sourcequench at 6:29 PM on April 25, 2011

red gatorade and bourbon

Louisiana Gator?
posted by Sys Rq at 6:32 PM on April 25, 2011

Kentucky Gator would make more sense, surely.
posted by flaterik at 8:32 PM on April 25, 2011