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"You are missing one ingredient... the HEAT of SATAAAAN!!"
May 10, 2011 6:26 PM   Subscribe


 
This sounds like a True American Dog cartoon.
posted by brundlefly at 6:29 PM on May 10, 2011


Wouldn't eating nothing but gristle be more metal?
posted by kenko at 6:35 PM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


I could take all of 1:20 minutes of that
posted by New England Cultist at 6:35 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


What are you on about? This rules.
posted by kenko at 6:37 PM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


A LIME IS OPTIONAL.
posted by mintcake! at 6:37 PM on May 10, 2011 [9 favorites]


Vegan black metal chefs always leave out the phish sauce.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 6:39 PM on May 10, 2011 [6 favorites]


This the least metal thing since Vanilla Ice flipping through the pastel section of the Benjamin Moore catalog to find the perfect shade for his sitting room.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:41 PM on May 10, 2011 [6 favorites]


i enjoy the variety of jagged blades they use
posted by kakarott999 at 6:42 PM on May 10, 2011 [3 favorites]


A LIME IS OPTIONAL

That's not metal.
posted by Trurl at 6:43 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


This has made me smile continuously for all of its fourteen minute duration, which is a lot longer than I've smiled in YEARS, because of all the darkness in my soul n'at.
posted by kenko at 6:46 PM on May 10, 2011 [11 favorites]


There's a book featuring this recipe, I think. It's called Mosh Potatoes.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:47 PM on May 10, 2011


I prefer my metal chefs old school.
posted by Trurl at 6:50 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


My thanks goes beyond the 14:00 mark. I've never wanted to make vegan Pad Thai until now.
posted by chrisglass at 6:50 PM on May 10, 2011


Did any one else notice that Vegan Black Metal Chef has a burglar alarm system keypad?

I don't wanna tell this guy how to do it, but *hint* animal sacrifices keep intruders out, dude.
posted by contessa at 6:52 PM on May 10, 2011


This is exactly how I imagine life in the mongolian empire was all the time.
posted by The Whelk at 6:52 PM on May 10, 2011 [4 favorites]


I like how he slows and speeds his recipe vocals to match the music. BLASTBEATINGREDIENTS

MID
PACED
BLACK
METAL
DIRGE
SLICING
TOFU
posted by Existential Dread at 6:53 PM on May 10, 2011 [4 favorites]


1) Vegan Black Metal. Gotta be a joke. Real Black Metal Heads would eat the brains of freshly killed goats and virgins out of the skulls of children as bowls.

2) Wait. Look at all that kit. Those knives must cost hundreds, alone, let along all that leather gear (wait - I hope it's pleather, MR VEGAN). That's a mighty expensive joke if it is one.

3) Look at those delicate hands. They need more scars.

4) YEAAAAAAAAAOOOWHWH.

5) Needs more graphic descriptions of all the ingredients. "SMASH THE TOMATOES INTO A PASTE THAT LOOKS LIKE CURDLED BLOOD" and shit like that.

6) I sense a sequel to Parappa and Um Jammer Lammy
posted by symbioid at 6:53 PM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


Oh - and sugar? A real vegan would make certain to use the kind that doesn't use animal bone char in processing. HOW HARDCORE ARE YOU MR VEGAN BLACK METAL HEAD??? HMM??? RAAAR (sorry - it feels good to let it all out like that).
posted by symbioid at 6:55 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


contessa: "Did any one else notice that Vegan Black Metal Chef has a burglar alarm system keypad?

I don't wanna tell this guy how to do it, but *hint* animal sacrifices keep intruders out, dude
"

Only if you leave the fresh entrails hanging all over the entrance to your lair.
posted by symbioid at 6:55 PM on May 10, 2011


Black Metal vocalists sound like people allergic to peanuts after they eat pad thai.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:56 PM on May 10, 2011 [3 favorites]


Pad thai without egg is like the bible without jesus.
posted by smoke at 6:56 PM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


Hey, he demonstrates an awesome technique for peeling garlic. I thought I was special for knowing how to do that, and my knife isn't nearly as awesome.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 6:57 PM on May 10, 2011


As a seitan worshiper, I'm a little disappointed in this recipe.
posted by MrFTBN at 7:03 PM on May 10, 2011 [44 favorites]


Now the real cookings starts. TURN YOUR HEAT UP ON HIGH!
posted by munchingzombie at 7:05 PM on May 10, 2011


Fresh Direct used to advertise its wide variety of food products with a HAIL SEITAN tagline.

They don't use that anymore.
posted by The Whelk at 7:05 PM on May 10, 2011 [5 favorites]


Wait. Look at all that kit. Those knives must cost hundreds, alone, let along all that leather gear (wait - I hope it's pleather, MR VEGAN). That's a mighty expensive joke if it is one.

In the YouTube comments he says:
The Armor is Rubber not leather btw´╗┐
VeganBlackMetalChef 21 hours ago

posted by flex at 7:07 PM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


Oh, and apparently the guy that made this video is in a black metal band called Forever Dawn, from Orlando, FL.
posted by flex at 7:10 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


His profile says his name is Brian. As in, the least metal name EVER.
posted by contessa at 7:16 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


Fresh Direct used to advertise its wide variety of food products with a HAIL SEITAN tagline.

The first time I saw that ad, I swear, was walking out of Candle 79 after eating tons of the stuff. I was like "This bus stop is totally pandering."
posted by mintcake! at 7:16 PM on May 10, 2011


This video really makes me miss the vegan metalheads I knew in the city I used to live in. Because they *all* own a deep fryer.
posted by Tesseractive at 7:23 PM on May 10, 2011


Deep Frying is to Vegan as Cheese is to Vegetarianism.
posted by The Whelk at 7:32 PM on May 10, 2011 [7 favorites]


Wow, I couldn't stop watching. Perhaps metal offers a better instructional format than most genres...
posted by thebestusernameever at 7:34 PM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


Pff, listen to all you haters spoiling the fun!

hey guess what else isn't metal? WHINING.
posted by AV at 7:41 PM on May 10, 2011 [7 favorites]


Self-deprecating black metal humor is not an easy thing to get right.

+5 for the knife

+25 for teaching me a new method of preparing garlic

-10 for not editing it down to 5 minutes, which is a better fit for YouTube attention spans.

-500 for just growling a recipe and not even rhyming "garlic" with "eldritch" or "boil" with "soil" or anything.

In conclusion, Black Metal Babysitter
posted by xthlc at 7:44 PM on May 10, 2011 [12 favorites]


contessa: "His profile says his name is Brian. As in, the least metal name EVER"

Tell that to Brian Posehn
posted by symbioid at 7:48 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


I don't know, I thought the unrhymed recipe sentences were part of the humor. A LIME IS OPTIONAL is funnier than OPTIONAL LIME, SANDS OF TIME to me.
posted by Tesseractive at 7:48 PM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


That was fun, but he can't be serious about the sugar. Pad thai is not dessert.
posted by pompomtom at 7:52 PM on May 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


xthlc: "Self-deprecating black metal humor is not an easy thing to get right.

+5 for the knife

+25 for teaching me a new method of preparing garlic

-10 for not editing it down to 5 minutes, which is a better fit for YouTube attention spans.

-500 for just growling a recipe and not even rhyming "garlic" with "eldritch" or "boil" with "soil" or anything.

In conclusion, Black Metal Babysitter
"

FUCK YEAH --- When I saw the sticks, that's where I hoped they were going - I was not disappoint :D
posted by symbioid at 7:52 PM on May 10, 2011


That was fun, but he can't be serious about the sugar. Pad thai is not dessert.

I put sugar on Pad Thai, especially if I'm forced to eat bad Pad Thai.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 7:56 PM on May 10, 2011


That was absolutely brilliant. I wasn't sure if I'd last the full 14:41 but I did. Also: those knives were amazing.
posted by TheDonF at 8:00 PM on May 10, 2011


I put sugar on Pad Thai

It's the volume of it that concerned me.
posted by pompomtom at 8:01 PM on May 10, 2011


"mediocer"?
posted by sourwookie at 8:16 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


Is there an alternative vegans use for fish sauce? Like fermented bean paste? Or does the sugar just help mask all the flavor?
posted by xinglin91 at 8:20 PM on May 10, 2011


most of these comments are dumber than the ones on youtube. what the fuck
posted by special agent conrad uno at 8:34 PM on May 10, 2011 [5 favorites]


I love this...I work with several people that are in black/death metal bands.

\m/
posted by schyler523 at 8:42 PM on May 10, 2011


I like Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal time better.
posted by ghharr at 8:55 PM on May 10, 2011 [5 favorites]


CUT THE TOFU.
TURN THE PLATE.
CUT THE TOFU.
TURN THE PLATE.
CUT THE TOFU.
TURN THE PLATE.
CUT THE TOFU.
TURN THE PLATE.
posted by erniepan at 9:01 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


Pad thai without egg is like the bible without jesus.

So this is Thomas Jefferson's pad thai recipe?
posted by barrett caulk at 9:10 PM on May 10, 2011 [8 favorites]


Those knives were PRICELESS. As soon as the first one showed up, I was hooked. The cheese grater and spatula were disappointing, however.

I wonder if there's much of a market for death metal lemon zesters and such.
posted by Casimir at 9:13 PM on May 10, 2011


Pad thai without egg is like the bible without jesus.


In other words, the Torah.
posted by Partario at 9:14 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


Waitwaitwait! I can't believe I forgot VEGAN GORE METAL
posted by Existential Dread at 9:15 PM on May 10, 2011 [3 favorites]


I dunno, Kuma's is heavy metal and definitely not vegan make(s) a great fucking burger(s)!

Their least vegan burger; one with a slice of fried 5-layer pork belly on top is one of the best things I`ve ever tasted.

Then again, vegan and hardcore? Drizzle hand-shredded Kale with olive oil and crackle on sea salt. Oven bake on "grill" (500'F) until crispy.

Kale, to me is purely a garnish. Roasted with salt? Vegan grindcore crispy snack.

Needs to be consumed within 20 min or it gets soggy and loses the 'metal.'
posted by porpoise at 10:09 PM on May 10, 2011


that was really fun
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:09 PM on May 10, 2011


I was skeptical at first, but this was good. Not only does this make me want to make some pad thai, but it also makes me want to dig up some metal.

I am also disappointed, but not surprised, that I was beaten to making the first seitan joke.
posted by chemoboy at 10:53 PM on May 10, 2011


Gor Gor must have blood!
posted by Brocktoon at 11:09 PM on May 10, 2011


I like that he didn't include exact ingredient amounts, thereby neatly sidestepping the trap of being labeled "technical black metal".

But the way he prepared the peanuts was definitely grindcore.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 11:32 PM on May 10, 2011 [4 favorites]


Okay, just skipped the comments and just wanted to say:

THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!
posted by elwoodwiles at 11:41 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is really something of a thesis. After 25 years or so of black metal it's easy to see black/death metal's ridiculousness, its comical flailing about for self-preservation, and mostly its (hilarious) dedication to self-importance.

As an analog to veganism, black metal comes perfectly wrapped in a (black) bow.

Q.E.D., and pass the cheese.
posted by four panels at 11:41 PM on May 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


And while it's way too long, I like the commitment made here: They did the recipe all the way through.
posted by elwoodwiles at 12:13 AM on May 11, 2011


That was fun, but he can't be serious about the sugar. Pad thai is not dessert.

Thai folks actually keep sugar on the table next to their multiple varieties of crushed red pepper and prik naam plaa. And generally speaking, it's astounding how much goddamn sugar they use in everything. Granted, this guy isn't Thai, but anyways...

Pad thai without egg is like the bible without jesus.

More to the point, pad thai without dried shrimp and naam plaa is like the old testament without a capricious, vengeful, petulant god. There's gotta be a black metal metaphor in there somewhere

And I can only explain his choice to break the noodles up before soaking them to some sort of expression of his rage coming from the darkness of his black vegan soul (if I had to guess, relating to not being able to add dried shrimp and naam plaa to the recipe because of his self-imposed vegan constraint).

But I thought this was a pretty fun video, although I couldn't sit through all 14 or whatever minutes.
posted by dubitable at 12:51 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


That was awesomesauce. \m/
posted by susanbeeswax at 12:54 AM on May 11, 2011


I'm a vegetarian, but I've never really managed to prepare tofu in an appetizing way. I think this was actually helpful to me...perhaps it's time to try again.
posted by ZeroDivides at 1:34 AM on May 11, 2011


four panels, Black Metal is going through a massive renaissance at the moment, through bands such as Wolves in the Throne Room, Liturgy, Krallice, Altar of Plagues, and people throwing all kinds of things into the mix such as ambient, shoegaze and crust punk.

And a dietary choice is ridiculous and flailing around for self preservation? What?
posted by spectrevsrector at 1:51 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


I love this...I work with several people that are in black/death metal bands.

McDonalds?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:59 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


I hope all those candles weren't made of beeswax. Think of the enslaved bees, metal dude.
posted by pracowity at 2:46 AM on May 11, 2011


I totally screwed this recipe up, so I had to punish myself by wearing bloody diapers.
posted by orme at 4:51 AM on May 11, 2011


Peter McDermott, nope. Pizza and Brewing Company....much higher class. ;)
posted by schyler523 at 5:27 AM on May 11, 2011


I hope all those candles weren't made of beeswax.

Those candles are made from the congealed sobs and pleading of the damned, no enslaved bees at all.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:51 AM on May 11, 2011


four panels, Black Metal is going through a massive renaissance at the moment, through bands such as Wolves in the Throne Room, Liturgy, Krallice, Altar of Plagues, and people throwing all kinds of things into the mix such as ambient, shoegaze and crust punk.

posted by spectrevsrector at 4:51 AM on May 11


Black metal and shoegaze? Thats 2 things I would have NEVER thought I would see together.
posted by ShawnString at 6:14 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is just yet further proof that everything in life is exponentially better when we let the BLACK METAL show us the way.

All praise and thanks be given for the BLACK METAL.

This is not snark. I'd rather live next to this dude, than any gaggle of Portlander-ized hippy dippy hipsters who read the New York Times and listen to The Decemberists.
posted by Skygazer at 6:16 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


THIS DELI TRAY IS UNACCEPTABLE!
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 6:19 AM on May 11, 2011


Black metal and shoegaze?

Holy holy bliss out Satan-love? Whoa. That's like a Reeses cup of satori.

You got your Black Metal in my Shoegaze.

YOU GOT SHOEGAZE IN MY BLACK MEEEEETTAAAAALLLLL.

Yes!! Yes!! Bring it on! Fuck YES, I'm starting a new band!! WOOT!

Anyone want in??

-Black Metal Skygazer
posted by Skygazer at 6:22 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


BLack Metal Shoegaze band?

Needs more screaming shreiking, less artsiness, I think.
posted by Skygazer at 6:34 AM on May 11, 2011


Meh, I'm used to that kind of measuring. My boss measures things in increments of "a little bit" and "this much."
posted by theichibun at 6:39 AM on May 11, 2011


Black Metal Shoegaze band?

If I can go all music genre nerd that sounded more like post-punk/goth to me, but thanks for linking, I'd not heard of them before. I was thinking more of stuff like Alcest, where it's more or less out and out shoegaze.

I prefer stuff that's shoegaze/post-rock influenced, like Altar of Plagues.
posted by spectrevsrector at 7:19 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


Hahaha I totally have that little bone-sheath tanto thing that he uses to add the peanut butter. It's hard to tell from the video, but in real life you can tell that the closed sheath is designed to look like an erect penis covered in skeletons. No joke.

Also, this seems like something that might be related to Atmospheric Black Metal Kitchen, a sweet metal blog and occasional vegetarian recipe depot which unfortunately hasn't been updated in nearly a year.
posted by FatherDagon at 8:17 AM on May 11, 2011


Black metal and shoegaze? Thats 2 things I would have NEVER thought I would see together.

It's not black metal, but I think there's real potential for doom croon, or even blackened doom croon.

Doom croon has, on the one hand, the intimate, close-miked, "smoke-filled room" sound of ordinary croon. But all the singing takes place at very low frame-rattling registers, with most doom crooners having undertaken serious study in the kargyraa style of Tuvan throat singing. The extent to which the singer attempts to retain the "smoothness" of traditional croon or embraces the "roughness" is, understandably, an individual stylistic choice.
posted by kenko at 9:55 AM on May 11, 2011


In fact the above description kind of fits Brodequin, at least as far as the vokills go. While Tenesseean deathgrind is not doom croon, I think that listening to it helps one understand the outlines that any doom croon would have to conform to.
posted by kenko at 9:56 AM on May 11, 2011


I wonder if there ever will be a Mefi thread that even remotely touches on veganism/vegetarianism that doesn't have carnivores chiming in about how this or that person isn't a TRUE vegan because he doesn't follow some mystical rules that the carnivore read in Hamburger Monthly?

Oh - and sugar? A real vegan would make certain to use the kind that doesn't use animal bone char in processing.

let along all that leather gear (wait - I hope it's pleather, MR VEGAN)

I hope all those candles weren't made of beeswax.

We get it carnies, you're deeply conflicted about eating meat while knowing the suffering the animals went through to get to your plate. And so you mock people that don't eat meat to salve your shriveled souls. It's so very tiresome.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 2:44 PM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]


I had the same initial thought Purposeful Grimace. Some people take it upon themselves to be some sort of vegan police and try to catch people in the act of not being vegan. Why the fuck do they care? I'm actually surprised we had a vegan thread without some ignorant asshole chiming in with "HURFDURF WHERES DA BACON?"
posted by MaryDellamorte at 3:59 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


I loved this, but I can't believe he didn't put a Skinny Puppy CD into the pot when he said "Weight the tofu down with something heavy".

I loved this so much that I really didn't care that it was the WORST Pad Thai recipe I have ever seen.
posted by lottie at 4:05 PM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


I LOL'd. +1 for cattle decapitation.
posted by beerbajay at 4:36 PM on May 11, 2011


SALT
posted by tehloki at 6:38 PM on May 11, 2011


Is he single?
posted by brooklynbabe at 9:28 PM on May 11, 2011


"HURFDURF WHERES DA BACON?"

BLACK METAAAL is the bacon of music genres. It's a win/win for everyone. Hooray Satan.
posted by Skygazer at 5:59 AM on May 12, 2011 [3 favorites]


I lasted a minuted and a half. I wanted to like it but the recipe did not look promising.

I loved this so much that I really didn't care that it was the WORST Pad Thai recipe I have ever seen.

I guess that's where I veered off. I can't imagine watching that for 14 minutes.

Black metal and shoegaze? Thats 2 things I would have NEVER thought I would see together.

Witch house is basically black metal and chillwave.

I wonder if there ever will be a Mefi thread that even remotely touches on veganism/vegetarianism that doesn't have carnivores chiming in about how this or that person isn't a TRUE vegan because he doesn't follow some mystical rules that the carnivore read in Hamburger Monthly?

That bugs me too (oh no! you've exposed a trivial inconsistency! I'm off to McDonald's!) but I admit my first thought when I saw that bag of sugar was that it didn't look vegan.

Maple syrup
posted by mrgrimm at 8:42 AM on June 3, 2011


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