Save the Beach, Drink the Ice
May 24, 2011 11:42 AM   Subscribe

Vorsong Feng Shui Iceberg Energy Water
posted by alopez (47 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
It's like homeopathy for your soul!
posted by hippybear at 11:44 AM on May 24, 2011 [1 favorite]


The perfect accompaniment to polar bear steak. Some people would suggest a bold red, but those people would be wrong. You need nothing more than some hot sauce and a glass of Iceberg Energy Water when enjoying polar bear.
posted by cjorgensen at 11:44 AM on May 24, 2011 [4 favorites]


Electromagnetic contaminants?
posted by GuyZero at 11:46 AM on May 24, 2011


I have an uncontrollable urge to mashup those videos with "U Can't Touch This."
posted by Gator at 11:46 AM on May 24, 2011


Water Blue?
posted by strixus at 11:49 AM on May 24, 2011


Nice to see that timecube guy trying to get a real job.
posted by lumpenprole at 11:50 AM on May 24, 2011 [4 favorites]


Please, please tell me this is parody.
posted by gurple at 11:50 AM on May 24, 2011 [1 favorite]


I thought we weren't going to do anymore Harold Camping threads.
posted by PlusDistance at 11:52 AM on May 24, 2011


Drink. Breath. Flow.

Verbs or nouns? One would mean a typo, another makes me think of menstrual periods. What's it going to be...?
posted by phunniemee at 11:52 AM on May 24, 2011


I would not be surprised to learn it is sourced from New York City public water using bottles made in China from recycled computer parts.
posted by stbalbach at 11:52 AM on May 24, 2011 [1 favorite]


"Acu-points and herbs are encoded via the Active Encoding Disc playing at the bottom of each bottle to harmonize one with their present environment."

This is like Tron meets David Carradine's Tai Chi.

Also: cultural appropriation is hellauva drug.
posted by yeloson at 11:55 AM on May 24, 2011


Unfortunately for modern man, chemical and electromagnetic pollution and negative, low vibrational frequencies abound to sabotage water's natural processes and dramatically limit the access to natural source, micro-clustered, high vibrational and primal infopathic water. In steps Vorsong! Technology applied to bio-mimic and enhanced, not out-do, Nature's Ideals!

Electromagnetic pollution? Bwahahahahaha....
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:58 AM on May 24, 2011


The sound the urine from this water makes when hitting the toilet water is better for your home's feng shui than 100 new age ambient discs playing simultaneously.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 11:58 AM on May 24, 2011 [1 favorite]


This reminds me of a great Northern Exposure episode. Ahhh.
posted by The World Famous at 11:59 AM on May 24, 2011 [2 favorites]


phunniemee: "What's it going to be...?"

Son of a bitch, I *just* got Paradise by the Dashboard Light out of my head after a wedding a couple weeks ago, and you had to write that?
posted by notsnot at 11:59 AM on May 24, 2011 [1 favorite]


I honestly can't tell whether this is a joke.
posted by ixohoxi at 12:00 PM on May 24, 2011 [2 favorites]


The product isn't the joke when you can't help but laugh at the patrons.
posted by Slackermagee at 12:02 PM on May 24, 2011


Here's your comprehensive list of companies that want to screw you with a bottle of water. Needless to say, Vorsong is on the list as a classic example.
posted by tomswift at 12:05 PM on May 24, 2011 [6 favorites]


The perfect accompaniment to polar bear steak liver.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 12:06 PM on May 24, 2011 [1 favorite]


These fuckers make regular bottled-water hucksters look lazy and dumb by comparison.
posted by clockzero at 12:10 PM on May 24, 2011


Here's your comprehensive list of companies that want to screw you with a bottle of water.

the vorsung bottle has an interesting shape... just saying.
posted by ennui.bz at 12:13 PM on May 24, 2011


Homeopathic medicine … is the second most widely practiced form of medicine in the history of civilized man.

Right behind, you know, medicine.
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 12:17 PM on May 24, 2011 [10 favorites]


Now, with more Mastodon Urine!
posted by StickyCarpet at 12:19 PM on May 24, 2011


> the vorsung bottle has an interesting shape... just saying.

It looks a lot more like a bowling pin than a penis, you know.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 12:22 PM on May 24, 2011


It looks a lot more like a bowling pin than a penis, you know.

Maybe that's just what ennui.bz's penis looks like. Have we learned nothing?
posted by phunniemee at 12:35 PM on May 24, 2011


My penis looks like a bowling pin, doesn't yours?
posted by cjorgensen at 12:35 PM on May 24, 2011


I'm can't make up my mind whether it's a ruthlessly manipulative imagination or spirit-of-the-universe-style insanity at play here.

Of all the herbal, colloidal, and otherwise bunk supplements out there, those involving water and the enhancement or purification thereof are always the most entertaining to read about. Extracts from a rare Amazonian fungi or a funny looking crystal already have enough complexity and mystery around them to impose wonderment and possibly even a belief in the supernatural (that would be the supposed properties of the item at hand.) Water however, is just water! First these people have to convince that there is something wrong with the water, and then second that they are able to fix it. My personal favorite is the restoration of the correct hydrogen bond angle of water.
posted by StrangerInAStrainedLand at 12:35 PM on May 24, 2011 [1 favorite]


Holy shit I completely blacked out six Bullshit Bingo cards with this website!
posted by Legomancer at 12:38 PM on May 24, 2011


This water...

Is it refreshingly blue?
posted by Samizdata at 12:39 PM on May 24, 2011


I'm guessing they may run into some problems with the shape of the bottle, actually. Coca-Cola has long held a patent on what they call the "contour bottle", and I believe they actually won a injunction against Dr. Pepper not too long ago to force them to stop using a bottle that was even vaguely similar. (That's why Dr. Pepper is in those bottles which have the steeply sloping conic tops and the smooth side cylinder bottoms.)

This bottle may just skirt right up and piss off Coca-Cola if they decide to get huffy about it.
posted by hippybear at 12:40 PM on May 24, 2011


Or...

wait...

wait...

Is this something I would need to drink water to understand?
posted by Samizdata at 12:40 PM on May 24, 2011


Unfortunately for modern man, chemical and electromagnetic pollution and negative, low vibrational frequencies abound to sabotage water's natural processes and dramatically limit the access to natural source, micro-clustered, high vibrational and primal infopathic water.

This reminds me so much of Christopher Guest stuff: "Humankind is simply materialized color operating on the 49th vibration"
posted by milkrate at 12:59 PM on May 24, 2011


"Electromagnetic contaminants?"

The memory of electromagnetic noise. 'Cause water is like, uh, the perfect solvent, so it absorbs everything around it, including, um, a record of the change in ambient EM fields. So if you drink a cup of regular water, you're drinking the pee of every dinosaur and caveman that ever took a whiz in those particular molecules, plus thousands of years of evil thought pollution. It's like liquid death!
posted by Kevin Street at 1:01 PM on May 24, 2011


One day I will start a bottled water company of my own. Our water will actually be extracted from the ice floes of Antarctica and flown at great expense (first class, of course) to a private airstrip high in the Andes. It will be introduced into the area's purest natural springs and recollected at the mouth of the Amazon river. It will then be flown a second time to the mystical Himalayas where each and every bottle can be personally blessed by Tibetan monks. Finally we'll run the entire batch though a gauntlet of high-precision filtration systems, then throw the whole thing out and bottle up some water from my drippy bathtub faucet.

Nobody will know the difference.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 1:09 PM on May 24, 2011


How about I filter the water through vegan Tibetan holy virgins? Because yellow is the color of the sun, source of all life and energy... And vegan Tibetan virgins are like healthy and pure, you know... And that way I am bringing jobs to Tibet.
posted by Samizdata at 1:30 PM on May 24, 2011


That's so helpful and pure, it would be a crime not to buy your water.
posted by Kevin Street at 1:34 PM on May 24, 2011


My penis looks like a bowling pin, doesn't yours?

Well the birthmark has a misspelling in the word "Brunswick," but other than that...
posted by PlusDistance at 1:39 PM on May 24, 2011 [4 favorites]


Having the best water is pointless if you aren't breathing the right air too.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 1:46 PM on May 24, 2011


I don't know about the rest of you, but I can count at least five personal acquaintances who would go for something like this.
posted by klanawa at 2:00 PM on May 24, 2011


I don't know about the rest of you, but I can count at least five personal acquaintances who would go for something like this.

They'd go for it ironically, or for stupidity reasons? I can't think of anyone I know well who'd buy that - even if purchased as a joke, they would be mocked mercilessly.
posted by FatherDagon at 2:04 PM on May 24, 2011


Looks about as real as Share the Air.
posted by kmz at 2:11 PM on May 24, 2011


Electromagnetic contaminants?

The memory of electromagnetic noise. 'Cause water is like, uh, the perfect solvent, so it absorbs everything around it, including, um, a record of the change in ambient EM fields. So if you drink a cup of regular water, you're drinking the pee of every dinosaur and caveman that ever took a whiz in those particular molecules, plus thousands of years of evil thought pollution. It's like liquid death!

But it's only electromagnetic pollution if the cavemen were cooking dinosaurs in the microwave while talking on their cell phones.
posted by amyms at 2:45 PM on May 24, 2011


Marketing and evil are hard to tell apart, sometimes. a lot of the time. Mostly always.
posted by theora55 at 3:20 PM on May 24, 2011


water is life
3/8 inch diameter stainless steel SS316 with snap-on fittings $598
posted by hortense at 4:47 PM on May 24, 2011


I would not be surprised to learn it is sourced from New York City public water using bottles made in China from recycled computer parts.

Remember this is homeopathic water, so while you and I might say it's just tap water, at least one part per billion is iceberg water. Iceberg water is a good storyteller, a "meme" if you will, and pretty soon all the tap water molecules remember what it was like being an iceberg.

So really, their greatest strength is also their greatest disadvantage. Buy yourself a bottle of iceberg water and tip it into a full bathtub at home. The iceberg water will propagate through the bathtub water and effectively what you are doing is creating an infinite personal supply of iceberg water. So what you can genuinely say, when people are talking about their new cars or how many pairs of fancy shoes they have, is "oh, that's nice, but when I really want to spoil myself, I wash my stinking date in iceberg water". I guarantee you that some people will gasp so hard their heads implode like a raisin.
posted by tumid dahlia at 5:35 PM on May 24, 2011


Vorsong durch technik.
posted by kcds at 7:14 PM on May 24, 2011


3/8 inch diameter stainless steel SS316 with snap-on fittings $598 $23.35 + shipping.

Now enjoy flow restriction for pennies on the dollar! Hell, buy the tube-bending tool you need to make your own shapes and still save money! Why limit yourself to vortexes?

Energy Loss: Any time a liquid is asked to change direction or to change velocity there is a change in energy.

The energy lost by the liquid is converted to heat created by friction. Since the amount of liquid exiting a pipe has to equal the amount entering the pipe, the velocity must be equal. If the velocity is equal, then the velocity energy (head) must be equal.


Where does the energy go? Some scientists say it's lost to friction, but some flaky weirdo con artists told me it's just being converted into [jazz hands] MAGIC!
posted by nTeleKy at 9:54 AM on May 25, 2011


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