Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.
Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell. Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.
And yes. That is a GINORMOUS wolf/bear/pig thing and I wanted it immediately. Like, I kind of dropped my jaw and rocked back on my heels in shock a little and Victor was all “What the f…?” and I’m like “I MUST HAVE THAT” and Victor’s all “WHAT?! Where would you even put that?!” and I’m all “In my office, obviously. I’m not sharing James Garfield with the rest of you” and he’s all “You named it? WE JUST SAW IT.” and I’m all “Well, it’s pretty obvious his name is James Garfield” and Victor gave me this hard stare and said “That thing is not going in our house”. Because apparently Victor hates animals. And patriotism. Then I tried to convince him that it was too big of a bargain not to buy since the normal-sized boar next to him was $100 and James Garfield was slightly less than $100 so technically per pound he was practically a steal. It was like they were giving him away. And then Victor was all “They should give him away. Do you see what it says on the tag? ’Damaged. Major hair loss.’ It’s horrific.” and I’m all “Yeah? Well I love you in spite of your major hair loss” and he’s all “WTF? I don’t even have major hair loss” and I’m all “Yeah, but I didn’t know that when I married you. Your grampa was practically bald by 30 so I just assumed you would be too and I happily married you anyway. Because I love you. Just like I love James Garfield”. Then he walked away and I could tell he wanted to slam a door in frustration but he couldn’t because it wasn’t our house. And actually, now that I’m writing this I’m thinking that Victor was probably mad because he thought I was saying I love him just as much as I love James Garfield. Which is just not true. I love you way more than I love James Garfield, Victor. I just meant that I love you the same way. Blindly and with every fiber of my being. So yeah, I think you owe me an apology.
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