'Apparently these things happen to other parents too! I'm just as shocked as anyone.'
July 21, 2011 10:13 AM Subscribe
Usually I hate the MS Paint Adventures wannabe type stuff that people who can't draw are always cranking out, but this is pretty awesome and charming.
posted by Gator at 10:25 AM on July 21, 2011
posted by Gator at 10:25 AM on July 21, 2011
Oh the painting. How do I detest 'creative arts' with the kids. They're just not into it. They only want to watch me do it.
I hate painting. They do too. Why should this be a surprise?
posted by The Giant Squid at 10:26 AM on July 21, 2011
I hate painting. They do too. Why should this be a surprise?
posted by The Giant Squid at 10:26 AM on July 21, 2011
When my children were young, I would threaten them with NPR if they got too rowdy in the car. They especially hated Car Talk.
posted by Daddy-O at 10:26 AM on July 21, 2011 [13 favorites]
posted by Daddy-O at 10:26 AM on July 21, 2011 [13 favorites]
I threaten mine by telling them they can go live with hobos, and that we have the hobos on speed dial.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:38 AM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:38 AM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
Spot-on, the painting bit.
posted by rahnefan at 10:39 AM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by rahnefan at 10:39 AM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
There are many many many things that are shown in parenting magazines etc that you just. can't. do. with kids that age. The painting one is so completely on.
The real key is not to do something "creative" or "enriching" or whatever. Do what the child likes. If the child likes painting, they will paint for a long time and, if they are able, remain relatively clean. But if they like dinosaurs, you should read about, or pretend to be, dinosaurs. Or play outside, if that's what they like.
posted by DU at 10:40 AM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
The real key is not to do something "creative" or "enriching" or whatever. Do what the child likes. If the child likes painting, they will paint for a long time and, if they are able, remain relatively clean. But if they like dinosaurs, you should read about, or pretend to be, dinosaurs. Or play outside, if that's what they like.
posted by DU at 10:40 AM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
These are funny and true and well-told...but I still don't want to read them. It's too much like home.
posted by DU at 10:42 AM on July 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by DU at 10:42 AM on July 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
The waiting room and restaurant scenes are so spot on.
The first time I flew by myself after I had kids I was downright thrilled about everything that normally drives me crazy about traveling - the time at the airport (uninterrupted peoplewatching and window browsing!), the 6 hr flight in a tiny seat (six hours of uninterrupted reading and non-animated movies!), the crappy food (made for me, brought to me and cleaned up for me - with no effort by me!), the waiting for the luggage (nope - no 3-ton checked luggage filled with diapers and toys; carry-on only!)
... Seriously, parenting completely redefines what you consider a good time.
posted by widdershins at 10:43 AM on July 21, 2011 [25 favorites]
The first time I flew by myself after I had kids I was downright thrilled about everything that normally drives me crazy about traveling - the time at the airport (uninterrupted peoplewatching and window browsing!), the 6 hr flight in a tiny seat (six hours of uninterrupted reading and non-animated movies!), the crappy food (made for me, brought to me and cleaned up for me - with no effort by me!), the waiting for the luggage (nope - no 3-ton checked luggage filled with diapers and toys; carry-on only!)
... Seriously, parenting completely redefines what you consider a good time.
posted by widdershins at 10:43 AM on July 21, 2011 [25 favorites]
WinnipegDragon: I threaten mine by telling them they can go live with hobos, and that we have the hobos on speed dial.
I would often threaten to sell my kid to the monkey-house. Though it didn't have the horrified/subsequently-obedient reaction I'd originally hoped for (son: "Really?? Cool! OOK OOK EEK EEK!" me: *sigh*), it did get to be a running gag at our house.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:45 AM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would often threaten to sell my kid to the monkey-house. Though it didn't have the horrified/subsequently-obedient reaction I'd originally hoped for (son: "Really?? Cool! OOK OOK EEK EEK!" me: *sigh*), it did get to be a running gag at our house.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:45 AM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Seriously, parenting completely redefines what you consider a good time." truer words never written, widdershins.
posted by Blake at 10:46 AM on July 21, 2011
posted by Blake at 10:46 AM on July 21, 2011
I threaten mine by telling them they can go live with hobos, and that we have the hobos on speed dial.
Hobos have cell phones? Do you call them individually or is there a grand central hobo hotline that dispatches them on demand? I had no idea....
(aren't you glad your kids haven't mastered this kind of snark yet?)
posted by zachlipton at 10:49 AM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hobos have cell phones? Do you call them individually or is there a grand central hobo hotline that dispatches them on demand? I had no idea....
(aren't you glad your kids haven't mastered this kind of snark yet?)
posted by zachlipton at 10:49 AM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think her next panel should be about flying with her two kids and having to buy drinks for the two rows in front and behind them because of the kicking of seats, the throwing of toys and the screaming that we are about to crash. I used to factor in the cost of about 6 drinks for seat pacification of other passengers when we flew. Trying to reason with a 4 year old who keeps saying, "Plane to big to go in air," over and over very loudly that somehow it works even though you are not so comfortable with the whole flying thing yourself is loads of giggles. Now that my kids are teenagers, they don't even want to sit on the same side of the plane as me.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:51 AM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:51 AM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
"Seriously, parenting completely redefines what you consider a good time."
So true. I'm at the point where grocery shopping with just two of my kids feels like special me time.
I liked this better than I expected to. The cracker one is indeed awesome.
posted by not that girl at 10:52 AM on July 21, 2011
So true. I'm at the point where grocery shopping with just two of my kids feels like special me time.
I liked this better than I expected to. The cracker one is indeed awesome.
posted by not that girl at 10:52 AM on July 21, 2011
I threaten mine by telling them they can go live with hobos, and that we have the hobos on speed dial.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:38 AM on July 21 [+] [!]
I threaten my friend's kid with the Bad Boy Bus - that he will be taken away by a scary busy driver in full Kabuki make up with other bad boys to an undetermined Bad End. He is equal parts terrified and fascinated by whether the BBB really exists. I am a Bad Uncle.
posted by helmutdog at 10:53 AM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:38 AM on July 21 [+] [!]
I threaten my friend's kid with the Bad Boy Bus - that he will be taken away by a scary busy driver in full Kabuki make up with other bad boys to an undetermined Bad End. He is equal parts terrified and fascinated by whether the BBB really exists. I am a Bad Uncle.
posted by helmutdog at 10:53 AM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
Hunh. We solved the painting problem by assuming scenario 2 every time, and requiring the kid to strip before beginning to paint. Needed a bit of fine-tuning when he went to preschool and they got the paints out, but that was relatively easy.
posted by Fraxas at 10:55 AM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Fraxas at 10:55 AM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
next panel should be about flying with her two kids
For an upcoming trip I'm taking them on the train. More fun, more mobile, less expensive and less civil rights violations.
posted by DU at 10:58 AM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
For an upcoming trip I'm taking them on the train. More fun, more mobile, less expensive and less civil rights violations.
posted by DU at 10:58 AM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I threaten my friend's kid with the Bad Boy Bus - that he will be taken away by a scary busy driver in full Kabuki make up with other bad boys to an undetermined Bad End. He is equal parts terrified and fascinated by whether the BBB really exists. I am a Bad Uncle.
posted by helmutdog at 12:53 PM on July 21 [+] [!]
No, you are a survivor.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:59 AM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by helmutdog at 12:53 PM on July 21 [+] [!]
No, you are a survivor.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:59 AM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
Now that both of my kids are in their 20s I can laugh at these where once I would have just cried.
posted by tommasz at 11:05 AM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 11:05 AM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
The trick to the painting scenario is to preemptively swathe the painting room with plastic sheeting, Dexter-style. This has the added bonus of preparing your offspring for a potential life of crime.
posted by elizardbits at 11:17 AM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 11:17 AM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
I love this. It's the perfect antidote to the "precious pictures of precious children doing creative fun and everyone is happy together in our happy house!" parenting blogs and that sort of thing out there online. You can try to sell me on that lifestyle, but boy it so is not like that and I am exhausted even thinking about it.
posted by flex at 11:18 AM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by flex at 11:18 AM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
When my children were young, I would threaten them with NPR if they got too rowdy in the car. They especially hated Car Talk.
My dad could find The Bruce Williams Show 1000 miles from home at 2 in the morning somehow, and loved how it would make me cringe.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:21 AM on July 21, 2011
My dad could find The Bruce Williams Show 1000 miles from home at 2 in the morning somehow, and loved how it would make me cringe.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:21 AM on July 21, 2011
A lot of my conversations with Toddler Zizzle go this way.
Me: Do you want your apple? [holding out apple]
TZ: Umm, noooooooo!
Me: Okay. I'll put it in the bag now.
TZ: Moooo-meee?
Me: Yes, baaa-by?"
TZ: Moooo-meee?!
Me: Yes, baaaabbbby?
TZ: Umm, Mooomeee.
Me: [big huge sigh] Yes?
TZ: Uh-oh! [drops toy on purpose, loud sound]
Me: [sighs, pick up toy] Do you want your apple now?
TZ: [grabs apple and eats half of it.]
This lull affords us a full five minutes of quiet until
TZ: Aynhuh-huh. Aynhuh-huh. Ayn-huh. Aynhuh-huh.*
Me: [looks to see huge chunks of apple spewing from TZ's mouth as he is chomping the heck out of it]
That is usually the point at which I have given up.
*He is imitating Beaver Boy from "Peep and the Big Wide World." He's walked up to trees before, turned his head sideways, and started nibbling while saying, "Aynhuh-huh. Aynhuh-huh. Aynhuh-huh."
posted by zizzle at 11:25 AM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Me: Do you want your apple? [holding out apple]
TZ: Umm, noooooooo!
Me: Okay. I'll put it in the bag now.
TZ: Moooo-meee?
Me: Yes, baaa-by?"
TZ: Moooo-meee?!
Me: Yes, baaaabbbby?
TZ: Umm, Mooomeee.
Me: [big huge sigh] Yes?
TZ: Uh-oh! [drops toy on purpose, loud sound]
Me: [sighs, pick up toy] Do you want your apple now?
TZ: [grabs apple and eats half of it.]
This lull affords us a full five minutes of quiet until
TZ: Aynhuh-huh. Aynhuh-huh. Ayn-huh. Aynhuh-huh.*
Me: [looks to see huge chunks of apple spewing from TZ's mouth as he is chomping the heck out of it]
That is usually the point at which I have given up.
*He is imitating Beaver Boy from "Peep and the Big Wide World." He's walked up to trees before, turned his head sideways, and started nibbling while saying, "Aynhuh-huh. Aynhuh-huh. Aynhuh-huh."
posted by zizzle at 11:25 AM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
The other day my 4-almost-5-year-old son locked himself in my bathroom (with the forbidden iPad, to play the forbidden Angry Birds). When I told him to open the door, he said "not by the hair on my chiny chin chin."
I want her to illustrate that.
And my husband is very familiar with the daggers shot from my eyes into the back of his head. That poor man.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 11:35 AM on July 21, 2011 [11 favorites]
I want her to illustrate that.
And my husband is very familiar with the daggers shot from my eyes into the back of his head. That poor man.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 11:35 AM on July 21, 2011 [11 favorites]
We went through a time with my daughter when she wouldn't. eat. anything. all day except a couple of pretzel sticks and water. No joke, no exaggeration. The doctor put her on a supplement while we worked through it (it was regular old toddler stubbornness taken to a whole new level; god help us when she's a teenager) but there was one incident I remember at a friend's house. This friend could get her to eat ANYTHING (so annoying) and was sitting on the floor with her, hand-feeding her green beans. A couple fell on the floor and she went to pick them up so the baby wouldn't eat them. I practically screamed across the house, "DON'T TOUCH THEM! LET HER EAT THEM!!!"
My proudest moment in parenting: Let the kid eat green beans if they fall on the floor COS THEY'RE GREEN BEANS.
posted by cooker girl at 11:38 AM on July 21, 2011 [14 favorites]
My proudest moment in parenting: Let the kid eat green beans if they fall on the floor COS THEY'RE GREEN BEANS.
posted by cooker girl at 11:38 AM on July 21, 2011 [14 favorites]
I sent the sleeping husband one to my wife, who started laughing and then crying. In fairness, I am now forcing myself awake at 4:30AM, so the misery is more easily spread.
posted by 1adam12 at 11:42 AM on July 21, 2011
posted by 1adam12 at 11:42 AM on July 21, 2011
This depresses me. My kids are much older (6,6,13) than hers, and that is STILL my life.
posted by MeiraV at 12:01 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by MeiraV at 12:01 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I love the MeFi toddler stories. That's all.
posted by dismas at 12:01 PM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by dismas at 12:01 PM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
I like these because they're true. Kabanos Jr. will eat food off the floor, lick random windows, and suck on shopping cart handles. But God forbid he should get the tiniest bit of anything (sauce, jam, paint, marker, etc.) on his hands, and he will stop everything and scream with outstretched hands until he can go wash his hands for about 15 minutes like a frantic Lady MacBeth.
Parenting: it always feels like you're getting it half right.
posted by Kabanos at 12:03 PM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
Parenting: it always feels like you're getting it half right.
posted by Kabanos at 12:03 PM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
Ah yes, once more re-enforcing that my decision not to have children was totally correct (for me at least).
posted by pbrim at 12:07 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by pbrim at 12:07 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ah yes, once more re-enforcing that my decision not to have children was totally correct (for me at least).'
Same here. All the respect in the universe to you parents; reading the one about going out to dinner and not getting to actually enjoy a moment of it makes me wanna cry.
posted by Windigo at 12:10 PM on July 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
Same here. All the respect in the universe to you parents; reading the one about going out to dinner and not getting to actually enjoy a moment of it makes me wanna cry.
posted by Windigo at 12:10 PM on July 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
Well, to be fair, the getting pregnant part is pretty hard work but I have it on good authority the practice sessions are pretty fun work.
posted by Windigo at 12:14 PM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Windigo at 12:14 PM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
We don't say "poo" at our house.
My super genius 3yo girl found a loophole.
3yo: "POO..."
Me: [stern look]
3yo: ...Bear! POO bear!
Me: feeling deep fail.
3yo: "Are those nice words daddy?"
Me: *sigh* Yes, those are nice words." [slumps over in defeat.]
3yo: "Poo bear. Poo bear poo bear......Poop!" [Smiles big]
posted by hot_monster at 12:22 PM on July 21, 2011 [9 favorites]
My super genius 3yo girl found a loophole.
3yo: "POO..."
Me: [stern look]
3yo: ...Bear! POO bear!
Me: feeling deep fail.
3yo: "Are those nice words daddy?"
Me: *sigh* Yes, those are nice words." [slumps over in defeat.]
3yo: "Poo bear. Poo bear poo bear......Poop!" [Smiles big]
posted by hot_monster at 12:22 PM on July 21, 2011 [9 favorites]
(all the hard stuff does end, eventually; just so you all don't feel perpetually sorry for us parents!)
posted by cooker girl at 12:23 PM on July 21, 2011
posted by cooker girl at 12:23 PM on July 21, 2011
I taught my five year old about the "poop deck."
posted by shothotbot at 12:23 PM on July 21, 2011
posted by shothotbot at 12:23 PM on July 21, 2011
Know what takes the fun out of absolutely anything, Windigo? Having to do it.
Also:
> Parenting: it always feels like you're getting it half right.
YES.
posted by Fraxas at 12:24 PM on July 21, 2011
Also:
> Parenting: it always feels like you're getting it half right.
YES.
posted by Fraxas at 12:24 PM on July 21, 2011
I don't know why, but I look forward to these experiences.
posted by CancerMan at 12:25 PM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by CancerMan at 12:25 PM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
My baby is 18. No more toddlers and toddler fun time for me. You do miss it when it is over even though at the time it is a bit hellish. We were just out to dinner with my mom and reminiscing about all the times we would go out to dinner and tag team toddler watch: About 2 minutes after the food arrived she would be done and all the adults present would take turns walking her around. Ooo look at the fish tank. Do you want to walk outside and visit the car? Can you touch your toes 10 times? Lets walk back to the table and see what Daddy is doing.
Great blog, fun to read. And she wasn't kidding about the scary black widow spider under her chair.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 12:34 PM on July 21, 2011
Great blog, fun to read. And she wasn't kidding about the scary black widow spider under her chair.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 12:34 PM on July 21, 2011
How I explained it when a childless friend asked me how having a child changes you: Before I was a parent, when I'd be in a public place and heard a small child wailing, my first thought would be "If only I had a roll of duct tape." Now, in the same situation, I think, "Not mine!"
posted by AJaffe at 12:36 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by AJaffe at 12:36 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know why, but I look forward to these experiences.
You're thinking of the "tell embarrassing stories from their childhood in front of their friends and silently chortle in your revenge" thing. The hard part is having to wait before this works, sometimes 18 years or more.
posted by tommasz at 12:38 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
You're thinking of the "tell embarrassing stories from their childhood in front of their friends and silently chortle in your revenge" thing. The hard part is having to wait before this works, sometimes 18 years or more.
posted by tommasz at 12:38 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
Scene me making dinner chatting with my six year old.
Her: I learned the worst word today
Me: whats that?
Her: Fuck.
Me: You're right, that is the worst word. You will get in trouble if you say it.
Her: Its OK, the grownups are usually too busy talking to hear.
Me: Still, dont say it. I'm serious.
Her: OK.
About fifteen minutes pass uneventfully until the dog takes one of the steaks off the kitchen counter.
Me: FUCK!
Her: daddy said fuck! Daddy said fuck!
posted by shothotbot at 12:45 PM on July 21, 2011 [9 favorites]
Her: I learned the worst word today
Me: whats that?
Her: Fuck.
Me: You're right, that is the worst word. You will get in trouble if you say it.
Her: Its OK, the grownups are usually too busy talking to hear.
Me: Still, dont say it. I'm serious.
Her: OK.
About fifteen minutes pass uneventfully until the dog takes one of the steaks off the kitchen counter.
Me: FUCK!
Her: daddy said fuck! Daddy said fuck!
posted by shothotbot at 12:45 PM on July 21, 2011 [9 favorites]
hot_monster, my stepson once looked at this beautiful birthday cake with peanut-butter icing that his grandmother had made and said, "That frosting is the color of poo."
Mortified, I squawked out his name, and he looked at me, bewildered. "WINNIE the Pooh," he said, pointing at the figurine of Pooh that was decorating the cake along with the candles.
It's bad when your mind goes to the nasty first. Guess your child has already figured that out.
posted by dlugoczaj at 12:59 PM on July 21, 2011
Mortified, I squawked out his name, and he looked at me, bewildered. "WINNIE the Pooh," he said, pointing at the figurine of Pooh that was decorating the cake along with the candles.
It's bad when your mind goes to the nasty first. Guess your child has already figured that out.
posted by dlugoczaj at 12:59 PM on July 21, 2011
When I was at the dentist earlier this year, six months pregnant, my dentist said, conversationally, "You know, there's no one more relaxed or happier during a root canal than a mother of five."
I've only got two and I'm already thinking, "Root canal? SIGN ME UP."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:59 PM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
I've only got two and I'm already thinking, "Root canal? SIGN ME UP."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:59 PM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
I've only got two and I'm already thinking, "Root canal? SIGN ME UP."
I have one child. He's five.
Last fall I was in the hospital for 48 hours on IV antibiotics prior to having a urethral stent installed, due to a GIANT kidney stone. Surely no one's idea of a nice couple of days.
I watched four movies, read an entire book, and slept and slept. It was like a spa vacation (with painkillers).
posted by anastasiav at 1:18 PM on July 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
I have one child. He's five.
Last fall I was in the hospital for 48 hours on IV antibiotics prior to having a urethral stent installed, due to a GIANT kidney stone. Surely no one's idea of a nice couple of days.
I watched four movies, read an entire book, and slept and slept. It was like a spa vacation (with painkillers).
posted by anastasiav at 1:18 PM on July 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
My 5 year old kid doesn't exactly like NPR, but he listens to it enough that we have a game: guess who the "top of the hour" news announcer is going to be.
Me: Is it going to be Jean Cochran?*
Him: David Windham.
Me: Giles Snyder.
Him: Alex Morgan.
Me: Lakshmi Singh.
Him: David Windham.
(From NPR News in Washington, I'm David Windham.)
Me: You were right.
Him: I know. I was right!
*This game got started because I heard him say "HI, JEAN COCHRAN!" from the backseat one day when I was driving around. Also, I don't know how any of these names are actually spelled, because I just listen to them on the radio.
posted by norm at 1:31 PM on July 21, 2011 [19 favorites]
Me: Is it going to be Jean Cochran?*
Him: David Windham.
Me: Giles Snyder.
Him: Alex Morgan.
Me: Lakshmi Singh.
Him: David Windham.
(From NPR News in Washington, I'm David Windham.)
Me: You were right.
Him: I know. I was right!
*This game got started because I heard him say "HI, JEAN COCHRAN!" from the backseat one day when I was driving around. Also, I don't know how any of these names are actually spelled, because I just listen to them on the radio.
posted by norm at 1:31 PM on July 21, 2011 [19 favorites]
next panel should be about flying with her two kids
Must include changing a diaper in the plane washroom.
posted by Kabanos at 1:31 PM on July 21, 2011
Must include changing a diaper in the plane washroom.
posted by Kabanos at 1:31 PM on July 21, 2011
Ah, yes, the one about daddy walking into the house and being bombarded by two kids (+ wife in my case) is totally spot on. My wife doesn't realize this, but I take the longest way home from work and drive well below the speed limit (as long as I am not holding anyone up behind me) all the way home.
posted by TinWhistle at 1:37 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by TinWhistle at 1:37 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
In less hilarious NPR news, I was listening to it with him a month or so ago and they played a clip of a car bombing in Baghdad. "Daddy, what was that?" "Nothing good. Should we listen to the Ramones?" "Okay! How about 'I Want to be Sedated'?" "Good choice."
posted by norm at 1:54 PM on July 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by norm at 1:54 PM on July 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
TinWhistle has wisely left his real name/contact information off his profile and ruined my plans to finance a six pack with blackmail money.
This being posted - and all your comments - the day after we signed our adoption home study agreement papers is the universe being very snotty to me.
posted by phearlez at 4:09 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
This being posted - and all your comments - the day after we signed our adoption home study agreement papers is the universe being very snotty to me.
posted by phearlez at 4:09 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
My wife doesn't realize this, but I take the longest way home from work and drive well below the speed limit (as long as I am not holding anyone up behind me) all the way home.
When my sister & I were less than 2yo, dad's workplace decided sent him to study for a diploma in economics after hours at the university, a couple of nights a week.
He revealed much later that he used to skim the readings, decide that he already understood the concepts being taught each week, and would spend a couple of hours at the pub instead: "but I was studying economics: supply of beer, demand for beer..."
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:45 PM on July 21, 2011
When my sister & I were less than 2yo, dad's workplace decided sent him to study for a diploma in economics after hours at the university, a couple of nights a week.
He revealed much later that he used to skim the readings, decide that he already understood the concepts being taught each week, and would spend a couple of hours at the pub instead: "but I was studying economics: supply of beer, demand for beer..."
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:45 PM on July 21, 2011
My twins turn 3 in a couple of weeks. I laughed at the first few cartoons, but then they started to make me cry. And I'll be doing enough of that tomorrow during Day One of potty training bootcamp (they must be trained to start preschool after Labor Day).
Good luck with the adoption process, phearlez. That's how we built our family.
posted by candyland at 7:10 PM on July 21, 2011
Good luck with the adoption process, phearlez. That's how we built our family.
posted by candyland at 7:10 PM on July 21, 2011
Ah, yes, the one about daddy walking into the house and being bombarded by two kids (+ wife in my case) is totally spot on. My wife doesn't realize this, but I take the longest way home from work and drive well below the speed limit (as long as I am not holding anyone up behind me) all the way home.
I leave the three year old and the newborn with my husband in the evenings to go to the supermarket - that's me parked up afterwards reading a newspaper and eating a Snickers in the car - having "me time".
posted by Catch at 7:20 PM on July 21, 2011
I leave the three year old and the newborn with my husband in the evenings to go to the supermarket - that's me parked up afterwards reading a newspaper and eating a Snickers in the car - having "me time".
posted by Catch at 7:20 PM on July 21, 2011
One time, when my son was almost two years old, he had one of those days. My wife documented it with cell phone pics and text messages she sent to me at my office.
First, she sent me a picture of the boy after he got his hands on the wax ring I bought for the new commode I planned to install that night. I don't know how he got it, he's a monkey or something. Anyway, he managed to spread that thick goopy wax all over his hair; he looked like a little Robert Smith in a diaper. The stuff wouldn't come out, so Mrs_A had to cut his hair. This led to picture #2: Mrs_A turned her back for like 1/10th of a second to wipe some wax off the scissors... and the boy dumped a tall glass of water over his head. So now we have a naked toddler with crazy hair, half cut off, wax and hair spread everywhere, stuck to his body like fur, etc.
So. Mrs_A needed him to stand up so she could start cleaning up. He stood up in his chair, as requested. At this point, looking down at the kitchen table, covered in wax and hair, he knew what he had to do. He had to pee on the kitchen table.
A lesser woman would have lost her cool, but Mrs_A thought the whole thing was a hoot.
posted by Mister_A at 7:44 PM on July 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
First, she sent me a picture of the boy after he got his hands on the wax ring I bought for the new commode I planned to install that night. I don't know how he got it, he's a monkey or something. Anyway, he managed to spread that thick goopy wax all over his hair; he looked like a little Robert Smith in a diaper. The stuff wouldn't come out, so Mrs_A had to cut his hair. This led to picture #2: Mrs_A turned her back for like 1/10th of a second to wipe some wax off the scissors... and the boy dumped a tall glass of water over his head. So now we have a naked toddler with crazy hair, half cut off, wax and hair spread everywhere, stuck to his body like fur, etc.
So. Mrs_A needed him to stand up so she could start cleaning up. He stood up in his chair, as requested. At this point, looking down at the kitchen table, covered in wax and hair, he knew what he had to do. He had to pee on the kitchen table.
A lesser woman would have lost her cool, but Mrs_A thought the whole thing was a hoot.
posted by Mister_A at 7:44 PM on July 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
What I love about this, especially the art one, is how good it makes me feel after reading Filth Wizardry, which is amazing but also makes me feel like World's Laziest Parent because the most I do for my kid is play playdough or Transformers with him. Sometimes I turn on the sprinkler and tell him to go run through it.
My kid is actually not that messy, as kids go; as a toddler he was more the Suicidal Leaps Off of Things school than the Let's Paint the Walls with Poo type. He also liked to take off running in parking lots and on streets, anywhere that large speeding vehicles might mow him down. We should both be dead, him flattened by a car and me from a heart attack.
posted by emjaybee at 8:13 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
My kid is actually not that messy, as kids go; as a toddler he was more the Suicidal Leaps Off of Things school than the Let's Paint the Walls with Poo type. He also liked to take off running in parking lots and on streets, anywhere that large speeding vehicles might mow him down. We should both be dead, him flattened by a car and me from a heart attack.
posted by emjaybee at 8:13 PM on July 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I liked this, and usually mom and kid-isms (or whatever they're called) make me roll my eyes and gag.
However, the more I read, the less I want kids. And I already didn't want them. I like sleeping in, going to the movies and having quiet dinners.
posted by Malice at 8:27 PM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
However, the more I read, the less I want kids. And I already didn't want them. I like sleeping in, going to the movies and having quiet dinners.
posted by Malice at 8:27 PM on July 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Oh the poo stories, every parent just has to become accustomed to that. We tried to potty train our little one for a little while, but decided it was just too early for her after the fateful day we discovered she is terrified of her own poop. She started to go in her little potty, but when she discovered what happened, she screamed "no!" at me and shot out of the bathroom too fast to grab. I didn't think this was a big deal, because she did what she needed to.....until I left to follow her, and like a trail of crumbs from some twisted version of Hansel and Gretel, I found my baby's crap sprinkled from the bathroom through the living room and into the kitchen. She will be hearing about that one when she is fourteen as retribution for my having to clean that mess up, I tell you.
posted by nasayre at 8:27 PM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by nasayre at 8:27 PM on July 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
If my kids start bugging each other in the car, I threaten to sing. I used to think that my lack of tonal voice control was a curse until I became a parent.
I love the unintentional parenting fail stories.
posted by eye of newt at 8:44 PM on July 21, 2011
I love the unintentional parenting fail stories.
posted by eye of newt at 8:44 PM on July 21, 2011
WinnipegDragon: I threaten mine by telling them they can go live with hobos, and that we have the hobos on speed dial.
Heh, we just told them we'd sell them to the Gypsies and that it was still legal in AZ (don't know if it still is). Now that they're in their 20s, I'm dying for grandchildren to corrupt. I can't believe I miss all that.
posted by _paegan_ at 9:13 PM on July 21, 2011
Heh, we just told them we'd sell them to the Gypsies and that it was still legal in AZ (don't know if it still is). Now that they're in their 20s, I'm dying for grandchildren to corrupt. I can't believe I miss all that.
posted by _paegan_ at 9:13 PM on July 21, 2011
I have a 4 year old ("Four and three quarters! In a month I'll be four and five sixths!") and an 8 month old. Last week, I was looking forward to my pap smear like small-town cops look forward to speeding tourists, just because I knew I could get some alone time.
I'm a pretty mediocre parent, but my favorite kid story actually involves a Kid Fail not a Parenting Fail. I was in one room, my daughter was in the next room, and she came out and said "Don't come in here for a few minutes, OK?" Then a few seconds later, she came out again and said "Also, don't tell me I can't climb on the ironing board."
"Kid," I said, "You have just overplayed your hand."
(Then there's the time I put her in timeout for cheating at Candyland. A friend of mine wrote a whole Alice's Restaurant riff on the experience.)
posted by KathrynT at 10:06 PM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm a pretty mediocre parent, but my favorite kid story actually involves a Kid Fail not a Parenting Fail. I was in one room, my daughter was in the next room, and she came out and said "Don't come in here for a few minutes, OK?" Then a few seconds later, she came out again and said "Also, don't tell me I can't climb on the ironing board."
"Kid," I said, "You have just overplayed your hand."
(Then there's the time I put her in timeout for cheating at Candyland. A friend of mine wrote a whole Alice's Restaurant riff on the experience.)
posted by KathrynT at 10:06 PM on July 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
I remember my first day back at work after my second kid was born. I ran into my friend in the elevator, and said, "I'm at _work_, motherfucker." And we high-fived.
Those posts are all spot-on, but the crackers one almost made me wake up my wife laughing.
posted by e.e. coli at 3:01 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Those posts are all spot-on, but the crackers one almost made me wake up my wife laughing.
posted by e.e. coli at 3:01 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Ye gods; these make me feel exhausted just reading them.
posted by primer_dimer at 3:37 AM on July 22, 2011
posted by primer_dimer at 3:37 AM on July 22, 2011
One is amazed that the human race does not just die out, reading this kind of stuff
posted by thelonius at 4:31 AM on July 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by thelonius at 4:31 AM on July 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
Our rule is this:
If kids were pets, no one would own one.
I mean I love being a Dad and I love my kids, but sometimes... Jesus Christ!
posted by WinnipegDragon at 7:07 AM on July 22, 2011
If kids were pets, no one would own one.
I mean I love being a Dad and I love my kids, but sometimes... Jesus Christ!
posted by WinnipegDragon at 7:07 AM on July 22, 2011
emjaybee, my first was of the Suicidal Leaping school as well (he still is, actually), but my second is one of the girliest girls I know. She loves everything pink and frilly, and all the Disney princesses are her best friends. It's exhausting.
Most of the time, the damage is limited to crayons, markers, playdough and paint. The bane of my existence, though, is stickers. Someone gave her an activity book with stickers, and I showed her how to match them up or be creative in the book. When I was doing dishes that first night with the stickers, she was unusually quiet. When I finished and realized that it was an unnaturally quiet household, I found her in her room, with stickers everywhere. Floor, shelves, doors, windows, furniture, walls, baseboards and even blinds. After she started school, she started sneaking stickers in, despite the ban. I recently painted that room, and it took me hours to remove all of them. Some stickers, I discovered, are made with a particular glue that sticks to whatever touched it most recently, and also have a tendency to tear into tiny little bits. So, the fingernail I used to peel it? Covered in slivers of stickers. The paper towel I used to try and remove the slivers? Covered in some, but not all, of those slivers. I really fucked up when I put my hair up in a ponytail mid-way through.
The worst incident, by far, was the 2 a.m. chocolate syrup incident. Nothing can prepare you as an adult for the necessary damage control after finding your 4 year old and 9 month old on the sofa at 2 a.m. covered in chocolate syrup. There were streaks of it, with footprints, from the refrigerator to the living room. It was on the carpet, the sofa, under the sofa, in the diaper, in hair, and both kids were giggling uncontrollably. thelonius is right - it's amazing we're even here.
The chocolate syrup ban has just been lifted in my house, after 5 years. The first thing my son did was spill a full glass of chocolate milk. It never ends.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 9:47 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Most of the time, the damage is limited to crayons, markers, playdough and paint. The bane of my existence, though, is stickers. Someone gave her an activity book with stickers, and I showed her how to match them up or be creative in the book. When I was doing dishes that first night with the stickers, she was unusually quiet. When I finished and realized that it was an unnaturally quiet household, I found her in her room, with stickers everywhere. Floor, shelves, doors, windows, furniture, walls, baseboards and even blinds. After she started school, she started sneaking stickers in, despite the ban. I recently painted that room, and it took me hours to remove all of them. Some stickers, I discovered, are made with a particular glue that sticks to whatever touched it most recently, and also have a tendency to tear into tiny little bits. So, the fingernail I used to peel it? Covered in slivers of stickers. The paper towel I used to try and remove the slivers? Covered in some, but not all, of those slivers. I really fucked up when I put my hair up in a ponytail mid-way through.
The worst incident, by far, was the 2 a.m. chocolate syrup incident. Nothing can prepare you as an adult for the necessary damage control after finding your 4 year old and 9 month old on the sofa at 2 a.m. covered in chocolate syrup. There were streaks of it, with footprints, from the refrigerator to the living room. It was on the carpet, the sofa, under the sofa, in the diaper, in hair, and both kids were giggling uncontrollably. thelonius is right - it's amazing we're even here.
The chocolate syrup ban has just been lifted in my house, after 5 years. The first thing my son did was spill a full glass of chocolate milk. It never ends.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 9:47 AM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is why my favorite name for a real band is "The String Cheese Incident." As a parent, I can run so many scenarios through my head about how they came up with that name, but I would bet dollars to donuts that at least one of them is or was the parent of a toddler
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:07 PM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:07 PM on July 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Haha mitzy, that is awesome. We never got chocolate syrup because of fears of sugar highs, but now I can feel even better about that decision.
(oh, and you should try Goo Gone for the stickers. Good stuff).
posted by emjaybee at 10:01 PM on July 23, 2011
(oh, and you should try Goo Gone for the stickers. Good stuff).
posted by emjaybee at 10:01 PM on July 23, 2011
These are great. The cracker one doesn't work if you also have a dog. Unless you lock up the dog first. :)
That aside, these are brilliant. :)
posted by antifuse at 8:59 AM on July 25, 2011
That aside, these are brilliant. :)
posted by antifuse at 8:59 AM on July 25, 2011
Here's the hilarious postscript to my NPR News Announcer anecdote above. I was telling my son about this post (a weird enough conversation, because he doesn't surf the web outside of Youtube), and I told him about David Windham... and he stopped me.
"No, no, no, Dad."
"Wait, what? We totally play that game."
"It's not David Windham. It's Craig Windham."
He was right. Again.
posted by norm at 11:04 AM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
"No, no, no, Dad."
"Wait, what? We totally play that game."
"It's not David Windham. It's Craig Windham."
He was right. Again.
posted by norm at 11:04 AM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
These are hilarious. I'm so glad my kids are completely perfect and not like those little monsters at all. :-)
posted by rusty at 2:17 PM on July 28, 2011
posted by rusty at 2:17 PM on July 28, 2011
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posted by Blake at 10:21 AM on July 21, 2011 [7 favorites]