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Beards from Below
September 2, 2011 12:37 PM   Subscribe

Beards from Below.
posted by escabeche (102 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
I'm over beards
posted by The Whelk at 12:38 PM on September 2, 2011


The Whelk is only over beards because he's gay married now and can't use the excuse of "she and I are together" to pass in polite society like he used to.
posted by hippybear at 12:39 PM on September 2, 2011 [15 favorites]


Beards from Below? Why does everything always have to be about a merkins?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:43 PM on September 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


Unnerving.

They look like they are waiting to pounce on me and eat me.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:43 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


The Whelk is only over beards because he's gay married now and can't use the excuse of "she and I are together" to pass in polite society like he used to.

Actually, this could be A Thing. Men everywhere shave their beards to symbolically show support for gay rights.
posted by phunniemee at 12:44 PM on September 2, 2011


Gross. There's such a fine line between, "Hello, I have a friendly furry face" and "Mrphlgirhrglz! I am so lousy with robust, kinky keratin that my bathwater turns to human-flavored Jell-O when it cools."
posted by hermitosis at 12:44 PM on September 2, 2011 [9 favorites]


I'm surprised this website isn't called "Back off a bit, dude, I'm choking here."
posted by griphus at 12:44 PM on September 2, 2011


Actually, this could be A Thing. Men everywhere shave their beards to symbolically show support for gay rights

Thus making all the Bears sad.
posted by The Whelk at 12:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [13 favorites]


Why does everything always have to be about a merkins?

Because we're proud to be A Merkins.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [6 favorites]


Also everyone wears bear costumes.
posted by phunniemee at 12:46 PM on September 2, 2011


What is a bear costume exactly? That's easy. Beard, flattop, flannel shirt, Carhartt cargo shorts, boots. Maybe suspenders and/or a ballcap, too.
posted by hippybear at 12:50 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Speaking of beards, over the course of August, I grew one by accident. Someone give me some inspiration of what to shave it into. Right now it looks like it's gonna be a Lemmy.
posted by griphus at 12:50 PM on September 2, 2011


Hope the photographer is signing some sort of waiver here..
posted by obscurator at 12:50 PM on September 2, 2011


Because we're proud to be A Merkins.

...Where at least our beards are free
And I won't forget the men who died
Who gave their goatees for me
posted by scody at 12:52 PM on September 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


Eww.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 12:53 PM on September 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


and can't use the excuse of "she and I are together" to pass in polite society like he used to.

If "she" were a bearded lady, she'd be a bearded beard (meta-beard? beard-squared?).
posted by 445supermag at 12:53 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


I totally thought this was going to be something different.

But that's okay, because this reminded me that I really need to go trim my beard-from-below.
posted by koeselitz at 12:59 PM on September 2, 2011


No, it is as I thought when I read the link. Do not want.
posted by maryr at 1:00 PM on September 2, 2011


From beneath you, it beards.
posted by The Whelk at 1:00 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


See, over beards
posted by The Whelk at 1:02 PM on September 2, 2011


Half these pictures look like a fleshy Bert the Muppet.
posted by zamboni at 1:02 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


And griphus? IANYG (I Am Not Your Girlfriend) but my vote for how to shave your beard would be "off".
posted by maryr at 1:03 PM on September 2, 2011


Nuts to that -- she likes facial hair and I'm milking that for all its worth until she changes her mind.
posted by griphus at 1:07 PM on September 2, 2011


It's really her decision, so I defer.
posted by maryr at 1:08 PM on September 2, 2011


Poets ranked by beard weight
posted by madamjujujive at 1:11 PM on September 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


clean shaven is for 15 year olds and people in finance
beard pride 4 life
posted by nathancaswell at 1:12 PM on September 2, 2011 [26 favorites]


I prefer side beard.
posted by mullacc at 1:12 PM on September 2, 2011


My husband and my son both have neat trimmed beards.
Having beard trimmed is a bit like having hair combed.
posted by Cranberry at 1:14 PM on September 2, 2011


So, beard trimming is totally optional and awesome to not do?
posted by skynxnex at 1:16 PM on September 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


THIS IS A PLOT TO DETECT THE SLOT OF THE BEARD INJECTOR NODE!
posted by clavdivs at 1:17 PM on September 2, 2011


I can't find it now, but one of the letters to the editor of Outside Magazine, responding to an article about winter beards, said something like, "Having a winter beard is like having an autumn penis. Some things are just about being a guy year-round."
posted by mreleganza at 1:19 PM on September 2, 2011 [6 favorites]


In that case they're way off.
posted by griphus at 1:19 PM on September 2, 2011


(re: clav, not Autumn penis.)
posted by griphus at 1:19 PM on September 2, 2011


It's no wonder children and dogs don't like men with beards. From their perspective it's an inhuman beast wanting to devour them.
posted by LoudMusic at 1:21 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


A touch of frost, and the penis drops.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:22 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


So where was Frost on that list of poets?
posted by maryr at 1:28 PM on September 2, 2011


O Autumn, laden with fruit, and stain’d
With the blood of the grape, pass not, but sit
Beneath my shady roof; there thou may’st rest,
And tune thy jolly voice to my fresh pipe,
And all the daughters of the year shall dance!
Sing now the lusty song of fruits and flowers,
And bring my cock is back to my pants.
posted by nathancaswell at 1:29 PM on September 2, 2011


While this doesn't require an NSFW tag, I would have appreciated it anyway.
posted by not_on_display at 1:29 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


FUCK is
fuck
posted by nathancaswell at 1:29 PM on September 2, 2011


As a great lover of beards, I'm over beards being fetishised like this. Why saddle great things with having to be an annoying internet meme? Just letting beards be is the best way to honour them.
posted by beau jackson at 1:30 PM on September 2, 2011


Ooh, is it time to share my latest historical beard fun fact?

Henry David Thoreau, not the handsomest of men to begin with, wore his neckbeard with pride, and insisted women found it attractive. Actual women, on the other hand, tended to disagree. Louisa May Alcott is on record telling Emerson that it would "most assuredly deflect amorous advances and preserve the man's virtue in perpetuity."
posted by deludingmyself at 1:30 PM on September 2, 2011 [14 favorites]


This does not look like a beard.

I am so totally submitting to this site. I have a monster right now.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:30 PM on September 2, 2011


Hm. I had a beard at one point, and wouldn't mind growing one out again, except these things nag at me:

1) Mrs. maxwelton doesn't like 'em
2) They're just more hair to keep neat
3) I have greying (alright, a lot of greying) hair. I suspect I'd have a pretty-much totally grey beard.

The flip of that is:

1) I only shave once a week as it is
2) Irritating the Mrs isn't necessarily all bad

Hm.
posted by maxwelton at 1:32 PM on September 2, 2011


3) people could call you "grey beard", which is fucking awesome

it's like being the badass old gorilla
posted by nathancaswell at 1:33 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm totally hot for my husband's beard and have hated it the few times he's chopped it. It runs the gamut from neatly trimmed (the Zach Galifianakis Goes To The Oscars look) to woodsman (the Drew From Toothpaste For Dinner), and I find all equally alluring.

This website, however, skeeves me out beyond belief. I looked at the first few images and couldn't continue - too weird for me. The wormholes of the web truly are boundless.
posted by takoukla at 1:33 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


I hate my beard, but I hate shaving even more, so I shave about three times a year. Sometimes four.

My girlfriend likes the beard.

I lave enough hair right now to make someone a merkin.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:35 PM on September 2, 2011


445supermag: beard-squared?

This is a beard, squared.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:35 PM on September 2, 2011


Mine. Expect to see it on their site soon! Well, I am submitting it anyway.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:45 PM on September 2, 2011


While this doesn't require an NSFW tag, I would have appreciated it anyway.

I looked at the first few images and couldn't continue - too weird for me.

Yeah, I don't know what it is. The bottom of the chin, below the beard, seems like such a private area.
posted by muddgirl at 1:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Mine. Expect to see it on their site soon! Well, I am submitting it anyway.

Also, that looks exactly like the back of my dad's head. Creeeeepy. There's some Uncanny Valley shit going on here.
posted by muddgirl at 1:46 PM on September 2, 2011


This is disturbingly pubic.
posted by pinky at 1:48 PM on September 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


I'm balding on top, so I wish I could just make the hair move up there. I was thinking of pioneering the beard to head comb-over, but I bet it's already been done.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:55 PM on September 2, 2011


hippybear: "What is a bear costume exactly? That's easy. Beard, flattop, flannel shirt, Carhartt cargo shorts, boots. Maybe suspenders and/or a ballcap, too."

I'll go with everything but the ballcap. My balls will remain uncapped, thank you.
posted by Splunge at 2:13 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Sometime in the first part of this year, I wandered into my favorite barbershop (which I hadn't visited very often) with about 2 years worth of hair growth and a good 6 months (if not more) of untamed beard, and told the guy to do whatever he thinks will look good with both, just don't take the beard off.

He's been doing this kind of modern retro look on me, short and parted and a bit feathered on top , very short sides and back, and a really great beard trim that works excellent with the black leather kepi that I wear a lot of the time. It's sort of a 21st Century take on a civil war photograph.

Anyway, I've been going to him once a month now and he's doing a great job keeping my beard in shape.

Moral of the story -- it's okay to pay $20/month (plus tip) to have someone who knows what they're doing pamper you and make your beard look good.
posted by hippybear at 2:16 PM on September 2, 2011


I'll go with everything but the ballcap. My balls will remain uncapped, thank you.

Ha! And I just saw an internet ad for these earlier today: Duluth brand "Ballroom" jeans.
posted by hippybear at 2:18 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


I was hoping this would be "bee beards below." now I am sad. And unbearded.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:40 PM on September 2, 2011


I shaved my bee beard. Got a buzz cut.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:42 PM on September 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


I like going to my local barber cause it's basically a really manly excuse to get a facial. Scented foams and all.
posted by The Whelk at 2:59 PM on September 2, 2011


I shaved my bee beard. Got a buzz cut.

I did that once, but it turned out I was allergic to the shaving cream, and I broke out in hives.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Poor honey.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


ewww
posted by liza at 3:57 PM on September 2, 2011


Yeah, my barber doesn't so all the scents, per se, but it sure is a pampering. Haircut, beard trim, straight razor clean-up, hot towels, shampoo, product if I want it... It's well worth the tiny amount I spend for the quality and amount of service that I get.
posted by hippybear at 4:07 PM on September 2, 2011


I go to an old school barber shop. They cut hair. They'll trim your beard, if you want, but I trim my own. They use a straight razor. These guys have been cutting hair since dinosaurs had feathers.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:13 PM on September 2, 2011


Yeah, mine is kind of a next generation version of that shop. They're younger, but not really young. And they have experience, and are doing what they like doing.

I've been to a lot of barbershops over the years. (Although I mostly keep my hair long and trim my own beard.) This is the first place I've been to repeatedly which makes me feel like the money is worth it and like my short hair and beard style is something better than I could do myself.

Anyway, everyone. Grow a beard. Do it. Now. (Well, not the women. Unless you really really want to.)
posted by hippybear at 4:29 PM on September 2, 2011


Is this the new planking? Or was owling the new planking? And if planking was the old planking, is this the new owling? I'm bad at culture.
posted by EatTheWeak at 5:42 PM on September 2, 2011


How much time has gone into this? Jesus, I don't really do much with myself, but this!
posted by Roachbeard at 6:23 PM on September 2, 2011


Anyway, everyone. Grow a beard. Do it. Now. (Well, not the women. Unless you really really want to.)


No can do, hoss, mine grows in all patchy.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:59 PM on September 2, 2011


I think one of those is my ex-husband. This has me mildly freaked, mostly because of the dog's-eye-view perspective. It's like a wee insight into why we had such weird dogs.
posted by catlet at 7:04 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


I am going to send in a shot of my mustache from below, want to see if I can get a sub genre going.
posted by Ad hominem at 7:33 PM on September 2, 2011


beards are sexy, this less so. i am disappointed in whelk.
posted by PinkMoose at 7:45 PM on September 2, 2011


I've got my entire life to go bald and grow a beard like every other 'mo in America.
posted by The Whelk at 7:55 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


What is "'mo" short for?

Inquiring minds want to know.
posted by hippybear at 8:06 PM on September 2, 2011


hint: it's a word 'mos use to describe themselves
posted by thedaniel at 8:28 PM on September 2, 2011


it's not beards from below as much as it is beards head-on with dudes painfully hyperextending their necks. if you want to do beards from below, the camera should be at crotch level. that's how i'm used to looking up and seeing them, anyway.
posted by fallacy of the beard at 8:32 PM on September 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


Big Mo
posted by griphus at 8:43 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Some of those are just plain creepy. Really strange.
posted by leahwrenn at 8:51 PM on September 2, 2011


I love a man with a beard but this just isn't right. :(
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 9:47 PM on September 2, 2011


I keep waiting for a Ballchinian to appear.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 10:38 PM on September 2, 2011


One or more of thse bearded dudes should attach some fake eyes and a fake mouth on their neck and then take one of these photographs where their bearded jaw obscures their actual face.
posted by Anything at 2:26 AM on September 3, 2011


3) people could call you "grey beard", which is fucking awesome

it's like being the badass old gorilla


"Ak Sakal" is literally "white beard" in Kyrgyz and is what the wise men / elders get called there, and apparently in a lot of Turkic cultures.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:14 AM on September 3, 2011


The best thing about my local barber is ear and nose hair trimming. A lot of those fancy places don't do this. But as you advance in age, this becomes an essential part of grooming. Laugh now. But your time will come.

::cackle::
posted by Splunge at 6:09 AM on September 3, 2011


Man, the internet is weird. What's next, chodes from below?
posted by ReeMonster at 6:57 AM on September 3, 2011



I lave enough hair right now to make someone a merkin.


Talk about a win-win situation.
posted by Forktine at 7:12 AM on September 3, 2011


Enough with the up-neck photos. Is this site really becoming a nerd TMZ?
posted by Danf at 7:44 AM on September 3, 2011


What's next, chodes from below?

Infinitely preferable to chodes from above, imho.
posted by griphus at 8:00 AM on September 3, 2011


That depends what position you're sitting in.
posted by The Whelk at 8:12 AM on September 3, 2011


Image presents J. Scott Campbell's Chodes from Above.
posted by griphus at 8:19 AM on September 3, 2011


They're coming right at us!
posted by The Whelk at 8:23 AM on September 3, 2011


...at least until you plot the lines of perspective.
posted by griphus at 8:55 AM on September 3, 2011


damn you orthogonals!
posted by The Whelk at 8:59 AM on September 3, 2011


hippybear: "What is a bear costume exactly? That's easy. Beard, flattop, flannel shirt, Carhartt cargo shorts, boots. Maybe suspenders and/or a ballcap, too."

I know what I'm gonna be for Halloween!
posted by deborah at 7:32 PM on September 3, 2011


MetaFilter: the camera should be at crotch level.
posted by Splunge at 2:01 AM on September 4, 2011


deborah: if you're serious about doing that as a halloween costume, I suggest you make sure your beard is pretty convincing. Also, you'll earn extra points if you carry around a photo of Kevin Smith with you as part of your persona.
posted by hippybear at 7:33 AM on September 4, 2011


deborah: also, the camera should be at crotch level.
posted by hippybear at 7:34 AM on September 4, 2011


Forget that hack, carry around a picture of smokey the bear.

I met his creator, yes he was very aware of what he was doing with the broad shouldered lumberjack icon.
posted by The Whelk at 8:00 AM on September 4, 2011


Smokey Bear. There is no "the" in his name.
posted by hippybear at 9:26 AM on September 4, 2011


He's Smokey Bear the Bear. If you're on a first name basis with him, I don't see why he couldn't be Smokey the Bear... (as opposed to, say, "Smokey the Pacificst from The Big Lebowski)
posted by muddgirl at 9:41 AM on September 4, 2011


Smokey, The Bear if you're nasty.
posted by The Whelk at 11:02 AM on September 4, 2011 [1 favorite]


also hippbear your outfit missed the mid-life crisis tribal tat
posted by The Whelk at 11:13 AM on September 4, 2011


you mean the mid-life crisis tribal tat of a bear paw or some variant thereof
posted by hippybear at 12:02 PM on September 4, 2011


either or, it's right up there with regular testostrone injections and a chin implant
posted by The Whelk at 12:10 PM on September 4, 2011


Bruce Campbell?

Also, my beard is now on the site! 9th one down on the labor Day post.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:32 PM on September 6, 2011


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