What are you doing this Halloween?
October 20, 2011 4:49 PM   Subscribe

His and hers Halloween sex toys. (Previously, related)
posted by hermitosis (64 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

 
Feed my Frankenstien indeed.
posted by The Whelk at 4:51 PM on October 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


It has BOLTS.
posted by hermitosis at 4:51 PM on October 20, 2011


nope. nope nope nope nope.

I mean, if you like it, go for it. Have fun. But I'm pretty sure the thing that sex toys were missing all this time isn't "creepy".
posted by poe at 4:52 PM on October 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


Why can't people just wear something slutty for Halloween and get it on, like normal?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:52 PM on October 20, 2011


hermitosis: It has BOLTS.

Nuts, too.
posted by Decimask at 4:53 PM on October 20, 2011 [19 favorites]


::bleech::
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:53 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Is it a coincidence that hermitosis is an anagram for He Moist Sir and Hers I Moist? I think not.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 4:53 PM on October 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


Fleshlight #3 has sores, for goodness' sake! You gonna put your penis in that?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:54 PM on October 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


Well, this is good a place as any to link to Divine Interventions
posted by munchingzombie at 4:54 PM on October 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


I'm partial to this guy.
posted by frenetic at 4:59 PM on October 20, 2011


I'm partial to this guy.

Vagina Dentata indeed.
posted by Forktine at 5:00 PM on October 20, 2011


Fleshlight #3 has sores, for goodness' sake! You gonna put your penis in that?

Whoa whoa, what's with the judgmental attitude? I happen to know her and she is a sweet young woman who has been going through some rough times and just broke up with her jerk boyfriend (yes she DTMF thank you!!). I would be HONORED to put my Messerschmidt in that, thank you very much. Sheesh some people.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 5:02 PM on October 20, 2011


I was going to say something about the necrophilia aspect, but I guess if a corpse is reanimated or undead or just a dude who sleeps in a coffin, it doesn't really count, right?

Also, it seems odd that the Fleshlights are all pink.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:05 PM on October 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


In the future, actual human sex just seems so quaint and innocent, like petting in the park.
posted by The Whelk at 5:07 PM on October 20, 2011 [6 favorites]


And when I wrote a zombie rape scene people thought it was over the top. I was ahead of the fucking curve, that's what it was.
posted by localroger at 5:18 PM on October 20, 2011


Undying Love, the cutting edge collection of zombie erotica.


I will say this, I have seen more people using Zombie to mean " someone devoid of free will, in the thrall of another person" which opens up, uh ...interesting pathways in fiction.
posted by The Whelk at 5:24 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Alert the AFA: Jesusween is officially under attack.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:26 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Uh... NSFW tag? Or has METAfilter suddenly been reassigned as Masturbation, Erotica, Tits & Assfilter and I just missed the memo? Again.
posted by Mike D at 6:16 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Uh... NSFW tag? Or has METAfilter suddenly been reassigned as Masturbation, Erotica, Tits & Assfilter and I just missed the memo? Again.

I'm sorry, was SEX TOYS not a clear enough implicit NSFW red flag?
posted by disillusioned at 6:18 PM on October 20, 2011 [37 favorites]


Uh... NSFW tag? Or has METAfilter suddenly been reassigned as Masturbation, Erotica, Tits & Assfilter and I just missed the memo? Again.

... seriously? "Halloween Sex Toys" didn't alert you somehow?
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 6:18 PM on October 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


poe: "I mean, if you like it, go for it. Have fun. But I'm pretty sure the thing that sex toys were missing all this time isn't "creepy"."

I'm pretty sure there's a sizable demographic in my county who would think stuff like this was an awesome idea and would get one for their mom, too.
posted by dunkadunc at 6:19 PM on October 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


Mike D: "Uh... NSFW tag? Or has METAfilter suddenly been reassigned as Masturbation, Erotica, Tits & Assfilter and I just missed the memo? Again."

You don't have a leg to stand on. If you've got the luxury of reading Metafilter at work, I'd be quite happy to trade with you.
posted by dunkadunc at 6:23 PM on October 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


"... seriously? "Halloween Sex Toys" didn't alert you somehow?"

The NSFW tag has had a rule-of-thumb application around here forever, and its absence in the face of a subject line that might baldly suggest otherwise has also customarily been taken to mean, "Not what you may think".

In fact, those are usually the ones I make a deliberate point of checking if only to see how someone manages to link to a NOT-NSFW application, given such a title.

Probably just me and I think maybe I'll just change the place I work.

Carry on.
posted by Mike D at 6:25 PM on October 20, 2011


The NSFW tag has had a rule-of-thumb application around here forever

The NSFW tag is a courtesy, not a requirement. The mods have addressed this many times over in Metatalk and have pretty much stated that Metafilter as a whole is NSFW.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 6:28 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


The mods have addressed this many times over in Metatalk and have pretty much stated that Metafilter as a whole is NSFW.

Indeed. As a data point, I am not currently wearing pants.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:32 PM on October 20, 2011 [10 favorites]


jesus. The zombie and frankenstein fleshlights are objectively creepier, I guess, but the bat-wing vagina is the stuff nightmares are made of.

also I have to second Sys Rq on the strangeness of fleshlights all being pink (or alien blue, I guess, from a cursory and very confusing glance at their website) but that hardly seems like the top-priority strangeness when talking about adorning already-disembodied orifice simulators to make them look like they came from dead people.
posted by peachfuzz at 6:32 PM on October 20, 2011


"You don't have a leg to stand on. If you've got the luxury of reading Metafilter at work, I'd be quite happy to trade with you."

Funny thing about working as a Media Analyst. There's a whole whack of places you can go in the name of research. Just as long as there's some vague storyline link to one of your files. MeFi, because its topics are frequently lavishly researched and widely expanded in the subsequent comments can be a pretty good mine to dig in. And an occasional foray into a sidebar divesion is akin to the twelve-storey descent to the street the office smokers make several times per day to feed their habit. Or a legitimate coffee break / meal break diversion.

My occasional sidetrack trips, in fact, actually take up a lot less time than that consumed by the smokers during a typical work day. Haven't missed a deadline yet.
posted by Mike D at 6:34 PM on October 20, 2011


sidebar diversion, not divesion. Apologies.
posted by Mike D at 6:35 PM on October 20, 2011


My burning question is: Can you mix 'N match? Can the Dracula Dick go in the zombie Vag?

Also, color me disappointed that there aren't pictures for ALL "four categories of design and eight haunting anatomical members."
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:52 PM on October 20, 2011


Mike D: may I suggest that you take it to MetaTalk if it's such a concern of yours, instead of continuing to derail the thread? Cheers.
posted by 1000monkeys at 6:59 PM on October 20, 2011


also I have to second Sys Rq on the strangeness of fleshlights all being pink (or alien blue

Tenga male masturbation aids tend to come in neutral white or clear synthetic polymers, fwiw. But yeah, male masturbation sleeves usually come in that weird silicone off-pink colour.

Maybe they're just following the tradition of dildos and such usually coming in that colour, kind of like how computers used to be ubiquitously "beige boxes." Now, computer cases commonly* even come with black piano finishes (layers and layers of lacquer buffed to a super fine gloss).

*at least, I've been seeing more cases with that description, of course there are custom stuff with mahogany panels and whatnot, but there are increasingly fancy finishes above just painted or brushed metal
posted by porpoise at 7:04 PM on October 20, 2011


*ahem*

This broom, it vibrates?
posted by Rhaomi at 7:06 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Also, it seems odd that the Fleshlights are all pink.

Mine is clear. Which means most of the time it is lube-colored.
posted by munchingzombie at 7:17 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Maybe they're just following the tradition of dildos and such usually coming in that colour

I think the point was that the vampire dildo was blood red, the zombie dildo was grey, and the frankenstein's monster dildo was... green, I think? But the corresponding monster fleshlights were all pink (at least in the photos).

Personally I would find something off-putting about a green vinyl fake vagina, but there's also something gross about a rot-green dildo, so...
posted by muddgirl at 7:43 PM on October 20, 2011


I had not thought of sex toys as dirty until now...

Although this is why I'm not into the hard-core sort of BDSM, toy/equipment heavy sex.
Not that I have anything against it (in fact... well, probably too much information no one wants to hear about) but it's like getting into skiing.
You get a little into it and hey, this is kind of fun. Then you get better at it and it gets more and more fun and then it sucks you in to REALLY getting into it and it's all you do with your spare time.

Sure, you start out with just some straps, paddle, maybe a vibrator and butt plug. But then you get into variety, so with skiing, you've got to have the Rossignol S3W's because you're going sidecountry and you need the good rockers on the tip and the tail to plane high in the powder and you want to carve groomers, but your boots are too stiff, and what if you're going the Urner Haute route? And now with BDSM it's not just regular slave collars and PVC, oh no.
It's rhinestone studded collars with triple weave and double hasp rings with the option to thread it through piercings you have to search for ten minutes online for but you spend hours in a sex shop looking because you want to find people who might have pointers for you on what the best latex is once you've shaved off your body hair, and dammit, do you have enough ball stretchers to accommodate all the people who will be cumming all over your shag carpet tonight?
No!
Because you've got the slings and spreader bars set up in the spare room with your binders (for skiing) hasp and silicone spray lubricant (also for skiiing) and you've done all this woodworking in your bedroom to set up an ersatz dungeon (for BDSM) with an $1,100 dollar St. Andrews cross and with that and re framing the ceiling and carpet shampoos every week and the tripod sex machine you're $8,000 in the hole on sex toys alone and that's not counting how many sawzall engines you run though since you got the fuckzall dildo adapter that's way too hard on the motor bearings and you know now that KY can't be used as a machine lubricant, and you're in shibari classes and the Home Depot guy is looking at you like you're nuts for buying a mile and a half of rope, but can you ever really have enough?

Really it's just too damn much work for me, skiing or BDSM, I don't like spending all kinds of money on the outfits, the carpentry, and there's too much waxing involved.
posted by Smedleyman at 7:50 PM on October 20, 2011 [49 favorites]


I'm a little afraid to favorite that comment, Smedleyman, yet I find it strangely fascinating.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:59 PM on October 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


Ain't that America/Home of the free-ee yeah, little pink fleshlights for you and me...

And yes, sex-toy purveyors, if you're going to call a vulva "zombiefied" because it has a the zombie flesh pattern on it, but is still a healthy pink, why bother? More disturbingly, why do you think the ladies won't mind a dick that looks like it's rotting, but the dudes can't handle a vulva that is? If you're going to be gross, be equal-opportunity gross.
posted by emjaybee at 8:06 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


i am shocked

look how shocked i am
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 8:13 PM on October 20, 2011


"Mike D: may I suggest that you take it to MetaTalk if it's such a concern of yours, instead of continuing to derail the thread? Cheers."

Answering questions in a thread is "derailing" it? Geez, tough classroom.
posted by Mike D at 8:15 PM on October 20, 2011


I don't want to go back and forth and continue the derail, Mike D, but you came into a thread about sex toy, TAGGED with "penis", "vagina" and "dildo" and complained that it wasn't marked NSFW. Then, when people pointed out the obvious, you went on and on about your work and why you are able to go on MetaFilter and it's no different than smoke breaks, and you're a media analyst. Frankly, I don't think anybody who clicked on this post really cares. You're best off to complain about the lack of NSFW markers in a MeTa thread or contact the mods, or start your own blog about how great your work is.

And now that I'm contributing to the continued derail, I'll leave it at that.
posted by 1000monkeys at 8:28 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Whoa, is this post about fake plastic vaginas? That may not be safe for work, as I no longer work in the fake plastic vagina factory. Could someone add a tag regarding all the fake plastic vaginas? TIA
posted by Greg Nog at 8:32 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


I think I'll stick to handing out mini chocolate bars again this year.
posted by mazola at 8:39 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Greg Nog: "Whoa, is this post about fake plastic vaginas"

What's this about "fake"? These are the most gen-you-wine plastic vaginas money can buy.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 8:39 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


More disturbingly, why do you think the ladies won't mind a dick that looks like it's rotting, but the dudes can't handle a vulva that is? If you're going to be gross, be equal-opportunity gross.

I'm guessing focus groups, really. If a bunch of dudes all go "ewww" when presented with a puke-green rotting vagina, who am I to gainsay them?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 9:04 PM on October 20, 2011


This many posts and no one has recognized the true crime here:

Dildo is intended for external use only.

Not only are the dildos upwards of $80 apiece, YOU CAN'T EVEN USE THEM! There's no such warning on the fleshlights, just the dildos. Sorry ladies, but these freakish sex toys aren't made to go in your house of horrors this Halloween.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 10:48 PM on October 20, 2011


I'm not sure, but I think in dildospeak, "For external use only" means "Don't shove this entire thing, fake half-balls and all, up yourself."
posted by Sys Rq at 11:00 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Or at the very least don't blame us when you do, cause someone will.
posted by The Whelk at 11:01 PM on October 20, 2011


That may not be safe for work, as I no longer work in the fake plastic vagina factory.

Would you say the economy has been hard on you?
posted by zippy at 11:05 PM on October 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


Dildo is intended for external use only

I think they mean don't eat it.
posted by Forktine at 11:08 PM on October 20, 2011


these freakish sex toys aren't made to go in your house of horrors

Astonishingly good pet name. Much better than fun house or tunnel of love.

+++Would ride again!!!1
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:10 PM on October 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


[Just a note to say, yes, complaints about the formatting/appropriateness of a post go to Metatalk or via contact with moderators. No more on this here, please.]
posted by taz at 11:31 PM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm disappointed by total avoidance of the term Schwanzstucker in either this thread or TFA. Mel Brooks is rolling in his grave, and he's not even dead yet.
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:00 AM on October 21, 2011


Dildo is intended for external use only.

They're made of silicone. You can fuck them. The 'external use only' is probably a fig leaf for all the places in the south where selling marital aides is technically illegal.
posted by Jilder at 12:01 AM on October 21, 2011 [3 favorites]


I'm thinking more of a marital hindrance.
posted by pracowity at 12:49 AM on October 21, 2011


If I ever decide to have SRS I think I am going to hand my surgeon one of the vampire Fleshlights and say "like this please".
posted by egypturnash at 2:13 AM on October 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


Why use a Fleshlight when you can use a Jack'o'Lantern?
posted by Kabanos at 7:04 AM on October 21, 2011


I don't like spending all kinds of money

$8,000 in the hole on sex toys alone


I think I see what you did there.
posted by chavenet at 7:46 AM on October 21, 2011


Wait, couples have /sex/?

OIC. They don't have kids yet. And yet, they run the risk every time they get down. How ironic.
posted by clvrmnky at 8:15 AM on October 21, 2011


Man the valves and bolts sticking out of the frankennuts are making me double over in agony.
posted by SharkParty at 8:27 AM on October 21, 2011


But I'm pretty sure the thing that sex toys were missing all this time isn't "creepy".

'Creepy' is a good way to round out my collection, right now my best is 'sacrilicious'.
posted by FatherDagon at 8:53 AM on October 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


There's no such warning on the fleshlights

Aren't Fleshlights by nature for "external use"?
posted by hermitosis at 9:51 AM on October 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


'sacrilicious'

Point of cromulence:
Either you mean sacrilegious, or there's been a rather unfortunate misapprehension with regard to the intended use of your Baby Jesus buttplug.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:28 PM on October 21, 2011


I have to say, at second viewing, the drac fleshlight mostly looks like someone lost their pet duck.
posted by Decimask at 3:00 PM on October 21, 2011 [2 favorites]


Halloweenis.
posted by ooga_booga at 3:07 PM on October 21, 2011


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