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Presidential Candidates Explained Through Dungeons and Dragons Character Sheets
November 9, 2011 10:02 AM   Subscribe


 
Just to break open the gates of pendantry:

Are is that what stats/skills/etc. look like in 4e, or has the person responsible for this just never played D&D?
posted by griphus at 10:07 AM on November 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


Sometimes after we watch a movie with lots of punching/explosions/knife fights/etc, my partner and I come home and break out Character Builder and make 4e characters out of the biggest badasses. I wanted this to be that. :(
posted by bewilderbeast at 10:08 AM on November 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


Recipient of first ever ironic Nobel Peace Prize

They don't know the Nobel folks very well, do they?
posted by darksasami at 10:11 AM on November 9, 2011 [10 favorites]


It looks like it would be pretty easy to finish off Gingrich.

Also, poor John Huntsman.
posted by drezdn at 10:11 AM on November 9, 2011 [3 favorites]


It was mildly amusing until I got to the race classification of Ron Paul as Gnome, at which point I started snickering really loudly because it explains so much. Therefore, I like this and anyway the alignment classifications make a handy short guide to take into the voting booth next fall.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:11 AM on November 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


I like Cain's ability scores.
posted by brundlefly at 10:11 AM on November 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


That may be enough. This is fun.

But I want to quibble with the charisma scores. I think they're off. It's probably an artifact of the partisan nature of the site, but I certainly think Perry and Bachman have higher charisma than represented here. That's what carries them, fercrisake.
posted by OmieWise at 10:12 AM on November 9, 2011


Santorum: a rich, frothy, fucking monster.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 10:17 AM on November 9, 2011


Many, many things in the lead up to the election next year will suck. This is not one of them.
posted by Artw at 10:17 AM on November 9, 2011


Ron Paul: Gnome berserker.

Okay, this has now officially won me over.
posted by Naberius at 10:23 AM on November 9, 2011


A propos of nothing, but the drawing they did of Michele Bachmann is a dead ringer for the character Stevie Janowski from "Eastbound and Down".
posted by hincandenza at 10:23 AM on November 9, 2011


...I certainly think Perry and Bachman have higher charisma than represented here.

Considering Perry is actually a lich, I think it's a little different than just raw CHA at work.
posted by griphus at 10:24 AM on November 9, 2011 [4 favorites]


Also Perry looks like he might have dimwit monkey strength of at least 17
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:24 AM on November 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


I like this. But feats are more like natural abilities, not resume bullet points. To translate the given Obama feats, e.g.

TINFOIL LAUREATE: Does not require accomplishments to earn Nobel Prizes
OPRAH HALO: Counts as Black Friend for any character
ELEPHANT IRE: Angers conservatives at triple standard rate
posted by Kwine at 10:28 AM on November 9, 2011 [21 favorites]


I can see how someone with the skill Drone Strike would have an alignment of neutral good...
posted by munchingzombie at 10:28 AM on November 9, 2011


I'm glad they pointed out Perry's ridiculously high collars.
posted by leotrotsky at 10:30 AM on November 9, 2011


I like this. But feats are more like natural abilities, not resume bullet points.

Whatevs, it's 4th edition nonsense.
posted by Artw at 10:31 AM on November 9, 2011 [6 favorites]


I never realized how much Ron Paul looks like Fred Astaire as the narrator from Santa Claus is Coming to Town. How'd they get him to pose in a Devo hat, though?
posted by blurker at 10:32 AM on November 9, 2011


I'm glad they pointed out Perry's ridiculously high collars.

HFS! I just googled some Perry picks and there is definitely something weird going on with his collars. Is it an attempt to draw attention to something? Away from something? What's the deal?
posted by drezdn at 10:34 AM on November 9, 2011


It's to cover the conspicuous wound. He got the Head of Vecna to actually work.
posted by griphus at 10:37 AM on November 9, 2011 [14 favorites]


I have a feeling I may be the only one here bothered by the alignments they chose for the candidates, right?
posted by crunchland at 10:38 AM on November 9, 2011


I expected these to be hand-written on paper torn out of a spiral notebook.
posted by goethean at 10:42 AM on November 9, 2011


Grid paper or GTFO.
posted by Artw at 10:44 AM on November 9, 2011 [4 favorites]


Related: IM A BARD!
posted by charred husk at 10:49 AM on November 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


I can't decide what was worse how offensive that was or how unfunny it was.
posted by oddman at 10:54 AM on November 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


Far unfunnier than offensive, imo.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:25 AM on November 9, 2011


Which itself is offensive.
posted by griphus at 11:31 AM on November 9, 2011


They were too easy on Ron Paul and all the Gingrich jokes were about him being fat. Other than that, it was amusing.
posted by Afroblanco at 11:36 AM on November 9, 2011


Can I say that I played D&D for decades, and I don't get this?
posted by newdaddy at 11:47 AM on November 9, 2011 [2 favorites]


I can see how someone with the skill Drone Strike would have an alignment of neutral good...

In addition to Drone Strike they also get to fight with two weapons and charm animals. At higher levels they get multi shot.

Not to be confused with the Bachman ability "Flail Wildly".

They'll take away my elf ranger when they pry my cold dead hands off the character sheet.

posted by Kid Charlemagne at 11:51 AM on November 9, 2011


The irony of this piece is, of course, they're all part of the same party being overseen by the same GM.

Oh, and the GM ain't a good one - he often cheats on rolls behind his screen.
posted by Cheradine Zakalwe at 12:33 PM on November 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


I like this. But feats are more like natural abilities, not resume bullet points.

Whatevs, it's 4th edition nonsense.


Huh? I can't figure out what you're trying to say here. Do you think feats didn't exist before 4th edition, or that 4th edition turned them into descriptions of past events, or what?
posted by IAmUnaware at 1:38 PM on November 9, 2011


3rd edition, whatevs. Anything introduced after 1997 is silly nonsense designed to sell trading cards.
posted by Artw at 1:54 PM on November 9, 2011


Oh, and the GM ain't a good one - he often cheats on rolls behind his screen.

That GM? Grover Norquist.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:55 PM on November 9, 2011


I like this. But feats are more like natural abilities, not resume bullet points.

This has been something that bothered me abut D&D since 3E came out. A feat is something you've accomplished, not a tier on a skill tree dammit.

The page? It's okay. I wonder if the precise number of experience points is an injoke in some way.
posted by JHarris at 2:47 PM on November 9, 2011


Speaking of presidential candidates, I think Perry's pretty much done. In the debate tonight he was carrying on about all the federal agencies he'd cut, including three main cabinet departments. Here's the video, and transcript from rewatching the DVR in case it goes down:
Perry: "I think we're getting all tangled up around an issue here about 'Can you work with Democrats or can you work with Republicans...' yeah, we can all do that, but the fact of the matter is we'd better have a plan in place that Americans can get their hands around, and that's the reason my flat tax is the only one of all the folks, these good folks on the stage, it balances the budget in 2020, it does the things to the regulatory climate that has to happen, and I will tell ya, it's three agencies of government when I get there that are gone: Commerce, Education, and the uh... uh, what's the third one there, let's see... [laughter] Come on..."

Paul: "You mean five? Make it five!"

Perry: "Oh, five? Okay. So, Commerce, Education, and uh, the uh... um... uh..."

Romney: "EPA?"

Perry: "EPA! There you go. No..."

Moderator: "Seriously? Is the EPA the one you were talking about, or...?"

Perry: "No sir, no sir... We were talking about the, um... agencies of government -- the EPA needs to be rebuilt, no doubt about that --"

Moderator: "But you can't name the third one?"

Perry: "The third agency of government, I would, I would do away with the Education, uh, the uh..."

Romney: "Commerce..."

Perry: "Comm-Commerce [drops pen] and let's see... I can't. The third one, I can't, sorry. Oops."
Alas, poor Rick. Remembering key policy platforms is what jotting crib notes on your hand is for!

Stick a fork in him, he's Texas Toast.
posted by Rhaomi at 6:50 PM on November 9, 2011 [3 favorites]


Hah, and he chimes in ~15 minutes later with "Also, it was the Department of Energy I was reachin' for there." Smooooth.
posted by Rhaomi at 6:57 PM on November 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


Maybe he's going for the sympathy vote. We've all been there. Brain farts are a daily occurrence for me. Then again, I'm not running for president.
posted by crunchland at 7:15 PM on November 9, 2011


No "funny and die" or "funny or d10" pun yet? Huh.

This list has a few bright spots, but it's so heavily tilted toward taking such easy shots at the Republican contenders -- not that they're not deserved -- that it's a little less fun than it could be. I'd like to see an additional character: a left-handed wraith as Obama's primary challenger.
posted by cog_nate at 6:02 AM on November 10, 2011


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