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AN ANACONDA UNHINGES ITS MAGNIFICENT JAW. INSIDE, THE BRIGHT SCREEN OF A FREE IPAD RESTS JUST WITHIN ARM'S REACH
December 12, 2011 5:22 PM   Subscribe

Daniel Manitou is ActualPerson084 on Twitter. He writes slices of life about marketing and unspeakable horror. He is a real person and not a metal ghost in a rainbow box.
posted by The Whelk (44 comments total) 68 users marked this as a favorite

 
CORN MAZE CITY'S OLDEST RESIDENT WILL MAKE ITS PRESENCE KNOWN TO CELEBRATE THE COMING HARVEST.

This is genius.
posted by jquinby at 5:27 PM on December 12, 2011


EARLY SUNLIGHT DARTS IN THROUGH THE BLINDS AND HISSES ACROSS THE SKIN OF AN SEO EXPERT. IT HOWLS IN PAIN, THE SOUND ANCIENT AND TERRIFYING.
posted by The Whelk at 5:28 PM on December 12, 2011 [5 favorites]


I'm not ashamed to admit I don't get it.
posted by cjorgensen at 5:32 PM on December 12, 2011


If more of Twitter was like this, I would like Twitter more.
posted by neroli at 5:32 PM on December 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


THE WHELK'S POST IS VOTED BEST OF THE MONTH. IN THE ADULATING CROWD, ALL HE CAN SEE ARE THE FACES OF THOSE HE HAS DESTROYED. THERE IS HUNGER IN THEIR EYES.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:33 PM on December 12, 2011 [7 favorites]


WITH EACH FAVORITE THE KNIFE MOVES FRACTIONALLY CLOSER. TIME TO POST A CAT VIDEO.
posted by The Whelk at 5:35 PM on December 12, 2011


man now I want a COMPANY SWORD
posted by 2bucksplus at 5:37 PM on December 12, 2011


(this was the one that got me hooked)

A DARK DOORWAY, WINDOW, OR MIRROR IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO FIND NEW PRODUCTS.
posted by The Whelk at 5:42 PM on December 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
posted by subdee at 5:44 PM on December 12, 2011


But advertisements are everywhere, how will I be able to sleep at night now :(
posted by subdee at 5:44 PM on December 12, 2011


annoyingly good.
posted by pts at 5:44 PM on December 12, 2011


GREAT DEALS ON BONES WHICH ARE STILL IN OTHER PEOPLE'S BODIES. YOU CAN GET THE BONES.

In a similar vein, Dogs Doing Things.
posted by furiousthought at 5:50 PM on December 12, 2011 [3 favorites]


NEW APP USES GPS TO HELP YOU AVOID THOSE THAT WOULD HUNT YOUR KIND.
posted by The Whelk at 5:51 PM on December 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is like @horse_ebooks meets @gregerskine, which in my books is about the same as whisky rainbows meeting unicorn blowjobs.
posted by Zozo at 5:52 PM on December 12, 2011 [3 favorites]


NEW KORG DIGITAL GUITAR TUNER HAS AN ANIMATED REAPER GRAPHIC THAT INDICATES WHEN IT IS "THIRSTY FOR METAL."

This would probably actually sell a bunch.
posted by jquinby at 5:53 PM on December 12, 2011 [4 favorites]


Those #NIGHTOFTHEFREEIPAD's are amazing.
posted by Taft at 5:57 PM on December 12, 2011


Been reading this guy for a while. Each tweet is a perfect little poem.
posted by Neale at 5:57 PM on December 12, 2011


#NIGHTOFTHEFREEIPAD

And thus, I learned what twitter was truly for.
posted by lekvar at 5:57 PM on December 12, 2011


LIVE SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE GATHERING AT EVERY ENTRANCE OF YOUR HOME.

This is wonderful. I use RSS for Twitter and so am loathe to follow very many people, but I think this person is somebody I need to see every day.
posted by Rory Marinich at 5:59 PM on December 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


If you like this you might also like @thebibandit ! Decidedly less capslock.
posted by arsey at 5:59 PM on December 12, 2011


THIS IS UN TO MAKE A BLOG ON THE COMPUTER WEBSITE
posted by The White Hat at 5:59 PM on December 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


this seems pretty easy to do
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 6:20 PM on December 12, 2011


This seems like as good a place as any to post the poem that I received in my inbox a few years ago from a spambot named Phuong Sherrod.

"new eotai"

What? silence. Yet there was an electric
tension in the air that made it to Paradise.
mint five-hundred-thousand-credit coins every
precaution was taken to Iron mans cage
under her pillow. The son

must steal the key . . . The Admirals smile
had all of the warmth of a striking snake.
Drug Going down to the caverns.
So, the next question-how do we get in . peaceful

world. No strife, no differences, a place for
everyone and understood? Because I told you to.
It is of vital importance and you have no come
clean-so how about you? policies of benign neglect
had forced on the human beings out there on contents

into the ditch nearby. Another and another. He did
not stop kick that numbed one of his legs, a stab
with my knee that crumpled That is more like it.
You will come with me.
Your associate remains indicated.
Nothing important, I sand, stifling a yawn at the unimportance of
posted by speicus at 6:29 PM on December 12, 2011 [22 favorites]


CHICAGO ECONOMIST CONJURE A VOODO TRICK ON YOUR ECONOMY, AMASSING YOU ASSETS INTO PERPETUAL DEBT. FOR EVERYTHING ELSE THERE'S MASTERCARD.
posted by elpapacito at 7:05 PM on December 12, 2011


This seems like as good a place as any to post the poem that I received in my inbox a few years ago from a spambot named Phuong Sherrod.

The relentless evolutionary pressures on spam and viruses means they'll almost certainly be the first things to pass the Turing Test.
posted by Sebmojo at 7:21 PM on December 12, 2011 [6 favorites]


This made me laugh:
"LIVE SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE GATHERING AT EVERY ENTRANCE OF YOUR HOME"
posted by Xoebe at 7:45 PM on December 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


I've seen stuff that works from the premise that marketing is scary. A lot of these jokes have a similar structure and tone to sketches from Tim & Eric, like It's Not Jackie Chan. But I've never seen anyone hit on that strange feeling of apprehension you get when connected to a filesharing network:
mimic_octopus_imitates_entire_house_of_representatives.flv
15 Oct via TweetDeck

A RED ICON IN YOUR SYSTEM TRAY. UTORRENT HAS REACHED CRITICAL BANDWIDTH. HAIRLINE FISSURES APPEAR IN THE GLASS OF YOUR MONITOR.
18 Oct via TweetDeck

bottle_of_wine_becomes_evil_face_and_begins_screaming.avi
24 Oct via TweetDeck
posted by wwwwwhatt at 7:48 PM on December 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


This is totally not a bot.
posted by rhizome at 8:00 PM on December 12, 2011


RECENT GRADS NEEDED TO BE PAID FOR COLLECTING TEETH NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
posted by The Whelk at 8:00 PM on December 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


These are really reminiscent of Thomas Ligotti's "My Work Is Not Yet Done", which is more or less like what you'd get if Lovecraft had written "Office Space" or "Dilbert".
posted by Ipsifendus at 8:23 PM on December 12, 2011


HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS WANTED BEAUTIFUL NEW COMPOUND EYES? IT DORSNT MATTER YOU'RE GETTING THEM.
posted by The Whelk at 8:33 PM on December 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


DARK HANDS AND THREATENING VOICES URGE YOU CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE CLEARANCE BIN.
posted by The Whelk at 8:35 PM on December 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


Ipsifendus: "These are really reminiscent of Thomas Ligotti's "My Work Is Not Yet Done", which is more or less like what you'd get if Lovecraft had written "Office Space" or "Dilbert""

Except, of course, that this is great, and Ligotti is... not.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 8:44 PM on December 12, 2011


I have enjoyed watching ActualPerson084 grow.
posted by gac at 9:05 PM on December 12, 2011


Any hints about who this is? He/she follows the same mefites I do, including the OP I believe so it has to be some kind of metafilterite. Is this what IRFHs really been up to?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:31 PM on December 12, 2011


CY'BR MN'DAI HEARS HER NAME UPON A MILLION LIPS. A BLACK IRON TOWER JUTS FROM THE CHURNING EARTH. SHE HUNGRILY SURVEYS HER NEXT CONQUEST

It got a lot more creepy when my brain translated the name to be "Cyber Mindy"
posted by FirstMateKate at 10:09 PM on December 12, 2011


(It's "cyber Monday," I think. But you probably already got that, in which case sorry for being pedantic.)
posted by koeselitz at 10:17 PM on December 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


I love these absurdist tweeters.
posted by stratastar at 12:05 AM on December 13, 2011


RICK

RICK

RICK

RICK

DEATH IS ONLY A GATEWAY, RICK
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:14 AM on December 13, 2011 [19 favorites]


I read a whole bunch of these and loved them so much I came here to say "This is wonderful and amazing". I mistyped amazing there and OS X Lion corrected it to Amazon. I think this is how it starts.
posted by Brainy at 8:50 AM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]


Reminiscent also of Greg Stekelman (@themanwhofell). #thisisagoodthing
posted by Sonny Jim at 1:44 PM on December 13, 2011


NEW KORG DIGITAL GUITAR TUNER HAS AN ANIMATED REAPER GRAPHIC THAT INDICATES WHEN IT IS "THIRSTY FOR METAL."

This would probably actually sell a bunch.


I'd buy one and I don't even own a guitar anymore.
posted by Blue Meanie at 2:31 PM on December 13, 2011


Okay, this thread has apparently been the impetus for me to finally investigate the origin of the poetic spam that was sent to me years ago and has haunted me ever since. Googling short snippets of the text seems to indicate that it's from Harry Harrison's Stainless Steel Rat series of books, and "stainless steel rat spam" turns up a few other people who were also lucky recipients struck by the odd language of it. It also turns up some similarly terrifying messages on yahoo groups, all dating from around the same time I got the email (2007-2008). So apparently this is already obsolete spam, which explains why I've never gotten anything quite so evocative before or since. It's a relic of another era, probably phased out when the spam filters added Harrison's books to the corpus.

Thanks, Actual People of Metafilter, for indirectly spurring me to solve this mystery.
posted by speicus at 9:36 PM on December 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


U R WELCOME [CLICK HERE]
posted by grog at 9:34 PM on January 8, 2012


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