Right up there with Handel’s “Messiah.”
December 20, 2011 12:31 PM Subscribe
You know, I was prepared to hate this for being cynical and snarky, but it's actually quite beautiful and completely in the holiday spirit. BRAVO!
posted by ColdChef at 12:41 PM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by ColdChef at 12:41 PM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
That was awesome, although maybe NSFW-ME (Not Safe For Work - Misty Eyes).
posted by JoanArkham at 12:46 PM on December 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by JoanArkham at 12:46 PM on December 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Holy shit. This is awesome.
Dear Santa, How do you handle requests for things like “I want to not be lonely for Christmas” or “I want my dad to get better for Christmas”? Jill P., Yuma, AZ
These requests are like any requests. Sometimes they can work out and I can help. Other times I can’t. Even I have a boss and I cannot control everything. But sometimes the small miracle that helps you to meet someone special is granted simply by you asking for it. When we want things from the universe, we ought to ask for them. Or ask for help. Whether you’re asking Santa or someone else.
Never be afraid to ask for help in times of sorrow or loneliness. And sometimes we’re alone or sad just in time to meet someone great or have a miracle occur. I hope this answers your question. We must have faith that good things can also happen for us in our lives. And we must be open to all the tiny miracles. The holidays can be stressful and you need to take care of yourself. Sometimes trying to avoid loneliness just makes things worse. If you reach out, you never know who might be there to listen. Lots of people get lonely at Christmas, there are lots of people to connect with.
posted by ColdChef at 12:46 PM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
Dear Santa, How do you handle requests for things like “I want to not be lonely for Christmas” or “I want my dad to get better for Christmas”? Jill P., Yuma, AZ
These requests are like any requests. Sometimes they can work out and I can help. Other times I can’t. Even I have a boss and I cannot control everything. But sometimes the small miracle that helps you to meet someone special is granted simply by you asking for it. When we want things from the universe, we ought to ask for them. Or ask for help. Whether you’re asking Santa or someone else.
Never be afraid to ask for help in times of sorrow or loneliness. And sometimes we’re alone or sad just in time to meet someone great or have a miracle occur. I hope this answers your question. We must have faith that good things can also happen for us in our lives. And we must be open to all the tiny miracles. The holidays can be stressful and you need to take care of yourself. Sometimes trying to avoid loneliness just makes things worse. If you reach out, you never know who might be there to listen. Lots of people get lonely at Christmas, there are lots of people to connect with.
posted by ColdChef at 12:46 PM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
Yeah, surprisingly well done. I love the bit about him shaving on Dec. 26th and the subtle references to the transient nature of the Santa mantle (including the surprising diversity among the Santas). Really does a nice job of building up a coherent and real-feeling Santaverse.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:48 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Rock Steady at 12:48 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is great. Thanks rewil! Yes, NSFW-ME.
(Confession: as tasteless as it is, I get a giggle out of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.")
posted by cool breeze at 12:57 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
(Confession: as tasteless as it is, I get a giggle out of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.")
posted by cool breeze at 12:57 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I really love this:
Dear Santa Claus, I was really good in 1981 and I asked for an Atari for Christmas from you and I didn’t get one. What gives? Darnell W., Chicago, IL
You were really good that year, Darnell. You were consistently on the Nice List throughout the late ‘70s and early ‘80s. I really appreciated you being a great kid, and now you have a couple of great kids of your own. I’m sorry you feel so haunted by this lack of an Atari. No question, Atari would have been a great gift for you in 1981. I did get you a skateboard. As you skated around your neighborhood that spring you met your best friend for life, Victor. You ran over the girl you’d eventually bring to your senior prom, Dominique. If you’d spent all that time indoors playing Atari, maybe your life wouldn’t have taken these turns. Sometimes I’m not able to give children the gift they want, but I can give them a gift they’ll use and enjoy that is maybe the perfect gift for them at that moment. Part of believing in the spirit of the Holidays is trusting in that spirit.
It deserves to be up on TVTropes: "Evil Is Dramatic, Good Is Subtle."
posted by mightygodking at 12:59 PM on December 20, 2011 [5 favorites]
Dear Santa Claus, I was really good in 1981 and I asked for an Atari for Christmas from you and I didn’t get one. What gives? Darnell W., Chicago, IL
You were really good that year, Darnell. You were consistently on the Nice List throughout the late ‘70s and early ‘80s. I really appreciated you being a great kid, and now you have a couple of great kids of your own. I’m sorry you feel so haunted by this lack of an Atari. No question, Atari would have been a great gift for you in 1981. I did get you a skateboard. As you skated around your neighborhood that spring you met your best friend for life, Victor. You ran over the girl you’d eventually bring to your senior prom, Dominique. If you’d spent all that time indoors playing Atari, maybe your life wouldn’t have taken these turns. Sometimes I’m not able to give children the gift they want, but I can give them a gift they’ll use and enjoy that is maybe the perfect gift for them at that moment. Part of believing in the spirit of the Holidays is trusting in that spirit.
It deserves to be up on TVTropes: "Evil Is Dramatic, Good Is Subtle."
posted by mightygodking at 12:59 PM on December 20, 2011 [5 favorites]
I love the idea that Santa has a playoff beard.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 1:13 PM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 1:13 PM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
This was sweet.
My four year old heard "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" the other day and when she heard the line "You can say there's no such thing as Santa," she asked, "Why did they say there's no such thing as Santa?"
Me: "Because they're lying, honey. Some people are liars."
posted by etc. at 1:16 PM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
My four year old heard "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" the other day and when she heard the line "You can say there's no such thing as Santa," she asked, "Why did they say there's no such thing as Santa?"
Me: "Because they're lying, honey. Some people are liars."
posted by etc. at 1:16 PM on December 20, 2011 [3 favorites]
This is good. This also a good place to mention that it is a total thrill to be a parent of a three year old at Christmas. For the last thirty years, I have been spent Christmas being a drunken curmudgeon, cynical as shit and disgusted by everything holiday related -- stupid decorations, the focus on consumerism, forced time with family you don't really enjoy, and most of all, the crappy Christmas music.
But this year, my son is *so* into it, we've taken him to the musical productions, seen the Christmas Ship parade, even fed real live reindeer. These things are *awesome* for someone who's never experienced them before. He has a lot of questions like these and we try to answer them truthfully while preserving the magic and I thought this was nice.
My son now believes that all the UPS trucks are working with Santa to deliver presents to all the good boys and girls and when we're out and about he screams and yells whenever he sees The Brown Truck because he knows some little kid is getting a present. And he knows that Santa himself personally delivers all the really special gifts on Christmas eve and he is hoping beyond hope that Santa will be able to find him that green garbage truck he wants so badly. (He has.)
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:25 PM on December 20, 2011 [9 favorites]
But this year, my son is *so* into it, we've taken him to the musical productions, seen the Christmas Ship parade, even fed real live reindeer. These things are *awesome* for someone who's never experienced them before. He has a lot of questions like these and we try to answer them truthfully while preserving the magic and I thought this was nice.
My son now believes that all the UPS trucks are working with Santa to deliver presents to all the good boys and girls and when we're out and about he screams and yells whenever he sees The Brown Truck because he knows some little kid is getting a present. And he knows that Santa himself personally delivers all the really special gifts on Christmas eve and he is hoping beyond hope that Santa will be able to find him that green garbage truck he wants so badly. (He has.)
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:25 PM on December 20, 2011 [9 favorites]
But this year, my son is *so* into it, we've taken him to the musical productions, seen the Christmas Ship parade, even fed real live reindeer.
I initially read that as "even fed him real live reindeer".
I've invented a sort of alternate Christmas mythology for my daughter, centered around El Mapache, the tall, skinny, shadowy figure in a wide-brimmed hat and red scarf that Santa works for, who breaks into your house and hides presents there mainly to show you that he can. I'm not sure why, it just seemed like the right thing to do.
posted by gurple at 1:28 PM on December 20, 2011 [5 favorites]
I initially read that as "even fed him real live reindeer".
I've invented a sort of alternate Christmas mythology for my daughter, centered around El Mapache, the tall, skinny, shadowy figure in a wide-brimmed hat and red scarf that Santa works for, who breaks into your house and hides presents there mainly to show you that he can. I'm not sure why, it just seemed like the right thing to do.
posted by gurple at 1:28 PM on December 20, 2011 [5 favorites]
Slarty Bartfast i know that feeling OH SO WELL.
I have a 5 and 8 yo. and that magic is infectious. I love it.
I have brought in Krumpus to keep them in line too...it helps.
(and Ill keep the green garbage truck info a secret)
posted by ShawnString at 1:33 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have a 5 and 8 yo. and that magic is infectious. I love it.
I have brought in Krumpus to keep them in line too...it helps.
(and Ill keep the green garbage truck info a secret)
posted by ShawnString at 1:33 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
For the last thirty years, I have been spent Christmas being a drunken curmudgeon, cynical as shit and disgusted by everything holiday related -- stupid decorations, the focus on consumerism, forced time with family you don't really enjoy, and most of all, the crappy Christmas music.
Maybe it's from turning 50, but this year, I declared a cease-fire in my decades-old War on Christmas. I still hate Christianity and consumerism and crass displays and family, but I have always loved holiday lights and music and food and Charlie Brown and decided I can happily revel in the latter items while still loathing the former ones.
Last night I busted out the good ol' Robert Shaw Chorale and Holiday Sing Along with Mitch, two things that could almost persuade me there's both a Santa and a God. Or maybe just a Santa God.
posted by FelliniBlank at 1:35 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Maybe it's from turning 50, but this year, I declared a cease-fire in my decades-old War on Christmas. I still hate Christianity and consumerism and crass displays and family, but I have always loved holiday lights and music and food and Charlie Brown and decided I can happily revel in the latter items while still loathing the former ones.
Last night I busted out the good ol' Robert Shaw Chorale and Holiday Sing Along with Mitch, two things that could almost persuade me there's both a Santa and a God. Or maybe just a Santa God.
posted by FelliniBlank at 1:35 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
The graphs (1, 2) Santa doesn't want you to see.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:05 PM on December 20, 2011
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:05 PM on December 20, 2011
My grandmother told me there was no Santa Claus when I was six years old, and that my parents bought my presents and put them under the tree.
She immediately became my favorite relative. Man, I hated being lied to.
posted by eugenen at 2:06 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
She immediately became my favorite relative. Man, I hated being lied to.
posted by eugenen at 2:06 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Dear Santa: Why do you sound like a combination of some New Age channeler writing for Sedona and that hippie teacher from Beavis and Butthead?
It's always refreshing to hear that other species, even little wood-eating insects, believe in me enough to question me on my literary skills. Diversity, including mediocrity, is all part of the rich tapestry of life; in fact, the spectrum of mediocrity alone is diversity enough for several lifetimes, as a few hours flipping through channels on your cable system will prove. Such unappreciation of honest averageness is an indication of badness on your part this year, and although I can overlook a mere impertinent question, the gluttonous havoc you wreaked on little Timmy Johnson's Lincoln Logs are quite another matter.
He was very happy with my present to him last year and very unhappy that you and thousands of your relatives turned them into Swiss Chalet Cheese Logs.
I would give you a lump of coal, but you would probably just eat it. Instead, I'm leaving a couple of gift wrapped cans of Raid under the Johnsons' Christmas tree this year.
I hope you enjoy it, smart ass.
posted by pyramid termite at 2:48 PM on December 20, 2011
It's always refreshing to hear that other species, even little wood-eating insects, believe in me enough to question me on my literary skills. Diversity, including mediocrity, is all part of the rich tapestry of life; in fact, the spectrum of mediocrity alone is diversity enough for several lifetimes, as a few hours flipping through channels on your cable system will prove. Such unappreciation of honest averageness is an indication of badness on your part this year, and although I can overlook a mere impertinent question, the gluttonous havoc you wreaked on little Timmy Johnson's Lincoln Logs are quite another matter.
He was very happy with my present to him last year and very unhappy that you and thousands of your relatives turned them into Swiss Chalet Cheese Logs.
I would give you a lump of coal, but you would probably just eat it. Instead, I'm leaving a couple of gift wrapped cans of Raid under the Johnsons' Christmas tree this year.
I hope you enjoy it, smart ass.
posted by pyramid termite at 2:48 PM on December 20, 2011
Dear Santa: Don't you mean IS quite another matter? Did your grammar get run over by a reindeer?
Screw the Raid, I'm giving the Johnsons a $5000 gift card for Orkin.
posted by pyramid termite at 2:53 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Screw the Raid, I'm giving the Johnsons a $5000 gift card for Orkin.
posted by pyramid termite at 2:53 PM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm enjoying Christmas this year for the first time in a long time too, though there aren't any kids involved in my conversion. No idea what happened, really; maybe my heart grew two sizes this year. I've gotten my loved ones some presents I'm really looking forward to seeing them open. I'm feeling decidedly jolly.
Tim Minchin sums up my new attitude beautifully.
posted by MrVisible at 3:20 PM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
Tim Minchin sums up my new attitude beautifully.
posted by MrVisible at 3:20 PM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]
Tim Minchin sums up my new attitude beautifully.
I love this so so much. Thank you.
posted by ColdChef at 4:01 PM on December 20, 2011
I love this so so much. Thank you.
posted by ColdChef at 4:01 PM on December 20, 2011
Very sweet!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:59 PM on December 20, 2011
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:59 PM on December 20, 2011
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Alexi E. is a fraud! There is no town called Silver Spring in Delaware.
posted by troika at 12:40 PM on December 20, 2011 [4 favorites]