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December 22, 2011 11:22 PM   Subscribe

Firearms Philosophy of Ivan Chesnokov (NSFW). Ivan Chesnokov is a (supposedly) Russian firearms enthusiast who voices his strong opinions on firearms on various web forums. This is a collection of his writings. He also attempts to explain everything worth knowing about firearms.
posted by Joakim Ziegler (21 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite

 
Everyone knows FPS Russia isn't Russian.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 11:31 PM on December 22, 2011


Yes, I know that too. Luckily, this isn't FPSRussia.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 11:33 PM on December 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


In my head Yakov Smirnoff is yelling this. In Soviet Russia gun shoot you.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:34 PM on December 22, 2011


Of course not. In FPS Russia, everything is in caps.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:35 PM on December 22, 2011


haha, came into make an FPSRussia joke, but I can still be the first person to post a link

My joke was going to be: "Here's a (supposedly) Russian firearms enthusiast who prefers videos to text"
posted by delmoi at 12:02 AM on December 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Or possibly Ivan is just a wonderfully amusing troll.


Possibly? Really?
posted by c13 at 12:21 AM on December 23, 2011


This guys has skills. You can tell by the way he has some other person building a whole website around analyzing whether he really is Russian or not.
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 1:33 AM on December 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


DIRECT IMPUNCHMENT IS SAME AS RIFLE SHITS WHERE HE EATS. YOU SEE IT? BOLT FLY FORWARD, CHOPPING CARTRIDGE FROM TOP OF MAGAZINE AND OVER FEED MOUTH. BOLT SQUEEZES CARTRIDGE INTO FIRE CHAMBER. WHEN OPERATOR FALLS THE TRIGGER, THE HAMMER SHOVELS THE FIRING PIN INTO PRIMER HEAD. PRIMER HEAD BURST, DISCHARGING MAIN PROPELLOR CHARGE AND BULLET IS FARTED FROM CHAMBER DOWN BARREL. GAS PRESSURES INSIDE BARREL PUSH ON BULLET AND ON WALLS OF BARREL BUT ALSO INTO HOLE FACING BOLT EDIFICE. GASES FULL OF COPPER, LEAD, AND CARBON FOULING SEWAGE PUSH BACKWARD THROUGH HOLE BECAUSE GASEOUS PRESSURE, BOLT EDIFICE FLIES TO REAR, EXPUNGER GRASPS AND EXPUNGES THE EMPTY SHELL. THEN ALL WHOLE BEGIN AGAIN. IS BASICALLY SAME AS SHITS WHERE HE EATS.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:23 AM on December 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


DIRECT IMPUNCHMENT IS SAME AS RIFLE SHITS WHERE HE EATS.

Has a large vocabulary and uses idioms? And yet still doesn't know basic sentence structure?
posted by P.o.B. at 3:57 AM on December 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


I SAY MORE IN JUST A MOMENT.
posted by primer_dimer at 4:09 AM on December 23, 2011


WHAT COLOR IS AK47? GOLD? NO! BROWN? NO! RED? NO! THE ANSWER IS TAWNY.
posted by Tom-B at 4:20 AM on December 23, 2011 [6 favorites]


Firearms Philosophy of Anton Chekhov:

IF WRITER PUT GUN ON STAGE, GUN MUST BE USED LATER! UNLESS YOU ARE HACK, OR TERRIBLE SET DESIGNER WHO SAY "IS IMPORTANT TO ESTABLISH CHARACTER, LOOK- IS PERIOD ACCURATE SPENCER CARBINE." NO! IS BOURGEOIS EXTRAVAGANCE! IF GUN ON STAGE, GUN MUST LATER GO "BANG," AND PUT HOLE IN CHARACTER IN WAY THAT ADVANCE PLOT! BEFORE THIS, GUN CREATE DRAMATIC TENSION!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:58 AM on December 23, 2011 [18 favorites]


Earlier this week, in a thread spawned by the posting of a picture of the unusual curlicue muzzlebreak on the AN-94 Abakan, /r/guns achieved, perhaps, its greatest moment.
posted by Edogy at 6:12 AM on December 23, 2011 [10 favorites]


MAYBE YOU PUT SEX DILDO ON TOP TO FUCK YOURSELF IN ASSHOLE FOR MAKING SHAMEFUL TRAVESTY OF RIFLE OF MIKHAIL KALASHNIKOV, NO?

Awesome. Have some Elektronik Supersonik.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 6:49 AM on December 23, 2011


WHAT COLOR IS AK47? GOLD? NO! BROWN? NO! RED? NO! THE ANSWER IS TAWNY.

DANGER POINT
posted by RustyBrooks at 7:26 AM on December 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


This was really funny.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:34 AM on December 23, 2011


Ivan Chesnokov is to Dave Secretary as Ivan Drago is to Rocky. IS VERY AMUSE.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:00 AM on December 23, 2011


Looking at Cyrillic printed text from a distance, I have occasionally been struck by how much it looks like (almost) all caps in English.

Might be funny without the unendurable woman-hating.
posted by jamjam at 9:32 AM on December 23, 2011


Has a large vocabulary and uses idioms? And yet still doesn't know basic sentence structure?

The page actually discusses that - specifically the lack of the indefinite article in Russian making it a common challenge for Russians using English.

And having spent a few years in Eve Online, that doesn't sound implausable to me at all. There are a huge contingent of Russian Eve players who have an excellent functional (for Eve) and idiomatic (telling you to go fuck yourself) grasp of English, who still type and talk exactly like this guy/troll/whatever.
posted by rodgerd at 11:07 PM on December 23, 2011


FPSRussia isn't Russian? Say it isn't so.
posted by schwa at 10:17 AM on December 24, 2011


that doesn't sound implausable to me at all.

Well, I'm not saying that it's implausible but when someone half jokingly puts on an affect, this is exactly what it sounds (looks) like. I don't care if someone is faking it or not, I think it's funny and informative which is what I gather the poster is shooting for.
posted by P.o.B. at 1:09 PM on December 24, 2011


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