The Original Rebecca Black
January 3, 2012 9:43 AM   Subscribe

Back in the '80s, Kris Kardashian celebrated her 30th birthday with a very special video tribute to her friends.

Yes, that's OJ Simpson in there! And for those who will inevitably ask, Kris is the mother of the Cerberus known as Kourtney, Kim, and Khloé.
posted by hermitosis (107 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
Bible studies! That one was unexpected.

Also, very, very large fashion bows.

I'm beginning to suspect that the best thing about the 90s is that they weren't the 80s.
posted by verb at 9:46 AM on January 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


Don't you think All Things Kardashian get enough publicity already without adding a Metafilter post?
posted by tommasz at 9:49 AM on January 3, 2012 [29 favorites]


This video is so amazing, I would post this video no matter who made it.
posted by hermitosis at 9:51 AM on January 3, 2012 [14 favorites]


Oh my god my brain just exploded when she yelled "it's a wrap" at the end. Hermitosis, I fucking love you.
posted by mintcake! at 9:53 AM on January 3, 2012


This is the sweetest thing ever, I love it! It's so unexpected since I usually feel like tommasz about anything Kardashian...
posted by Tarumba at 9:54 AM on January 3, 2012


This actually made me weep (albeit slightly) for humanity. Those kids never had a chance.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:57 AM on January 3, 2012


Heh, cheesecake factory.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:57 AM on January 3, 2012


I have only the most tenuous grasp on who the Kardashians actually are, and I freaking love this.
posted by threeants at 9:58 AM on January 3, 2012


More like she loved her rich lifestyle. Sickening---her, her family, this video....Not even funny. Just typical "me, me, me" the Kardashians bring.

I rather watch these "Kardashians"
posted by stormpooper at 10:00 AM on January 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


I Love LA...we love it!!
posted by spicynuts at 10:01 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I saw OJ.

I always love when "Bible Study" is followed by you being held by a male stripper.
posted by gcbv at 10:02 AM on January 3, 2012 [9 favorites]


They're morons. But her daughter has epic buttocks, which forgives a multitude of faults.
posted by jonmc at 10:02 AM on January 3, 2012 [9 favorites]


(and I realize I'm on record as hating the slang use of 'epic' but here it fits)
posted by jonmc at 10:05 AM on January 3, 2012


I'm beginning to suspect that the best thing about the 90s is that they weren't the 80s.

but at least it was the last time that fashion, music, art and culture were different form the previous decade. it seems like we're just borrowing from the past now and not making up something new out of whole cloth
posted by Dr. Twist at 10:09 AM on January 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


One day I intend to find out who or what these Kardashian people are or were. No wait, that's a total lie.
posted by Decani at 10:09 AM on January 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


I rather watch these "Kardashians"
...
They're morons. But her daughter has epic buttocks, which forgives a multitude of faults.


If only Star Trek had envisioned the people of Kardassia as having epic buttocks instead of epic trapezoids.
posted by birdherder at 10:09 AM on January 3, 2012 [10 favorites]


Zombie Randy Newman will write a scathing satirical song about this.
posted by drezdn at 10:12 AM on January 3, 2012


My congratulations on your apt use of "Cerberus," Hermitosis. Well done!
posted by Iridic at 10:14 AM on January 3, 2012 [8 favorites]


I think, perhaps, people need to get a sense of humour. It would seem Kris had one.
posted by Bovine Love at 10:15 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Hey, remember that time we all we're talking about the daughter of that guy that helped O.J. hide the murder weapon? She was kind of a model, and later, after her father died, her mother married the 1976 decathlon champ. Then she made a porn tape with a marginally skilled rapper that was (oops!) accidentally released to the media. After her sister married a championship-winning basketball player, she married a marginally skilled basketball player. And we couldn't stop talking about her!

---

Holy fuck, you could not POSSIBLY have made all that shit up.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:16 AM on January 3, 2012 [8 favorites]


Khloé is my favorite. I also like that her mother included an accent in her name to let us know the "e" is not silent. Good English, that!
posted by oddman at 10:16 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


In that video, did I really see her Mexican gardener, a random Indian guy, and a dude in black face?
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 10:18 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I like how she manages to sneak in the "I'm the last to reach that stop" after she says she's turning 30... "yeah, I'm 30, but I'm still younger than the rest of you, so ha!"
posted by brainmouse at 10:18 AM on January 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


I think this was made to be laughed at. Yeah it's cheesy, but it's a song spoof a rich kid put together with some friends as a joke. Not saying it's good, but it's completely different than rebecca black.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 10:20 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Kris was cute as hell back then, before she read the ancient scrolls incorrectly and morphed into an all-consuming succubus forever cursed to walk the earth with rotting flesh as she slowly bores herself into the frontal lobes of the innocent oh dear gods make her stop make her stop make her stop.

But yeah, cute as a button.
posted by item at 10:21 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


For the first time I enjoy feeling embarrassed for someone else.
posted by 0xdeadc0de at 10:23 AM on January 3, 2012


(and I realize I'm on record as hating the slang use of 'epic' but here it fits)

It's not technically slang if the buttocks in question did, in fact, launch a thousand ships.
posted by The World Famous at 10:23 AM on January 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


What the hell was going on with people's hair? It seems like there was an agreement among America's hair dressers to see what exactly they could get away with beforeeople straight out revolted.
posted by The Whelk at 10:26 AM on January 3, 2012 [5 favorites]


As seen on The Soup.
posted by crunchland at 10:27 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I would pay to have the Bad Lip Reading guy do this.
posted by proscriptus at 10:27 AM on January 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Zombie Randy Newman will write a scathing satirical song about this

But, um..
posted by obscurator at 10:35 AM on January 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


I saw Nicole Simpson in there too, in a separate photo from OJ.
posted by queensissy at 10:35 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think it's kind of sweet actually. Yes, she is a sheltered .01 percenter who by virtue of her upbringing and lifestyle is unaware of examining her privilege in context - but she made a video about how much she likes her friends. That's nice.
posted by jnnla at 10:35 AM on January 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Ah, the Kardashians...Weaving sows' ears from silk purses.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:40 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


What the hell was going on with people's hair?

My theory about hairstyles in the last 40 or so years is that they have largely been the result of experimentation by hairstylists with whatever the latest hair product technology is. In the 80s, that meant experimenting with mousse and combining those experiments with known hairspray techniques. The angular cuts and whatnot were, I suspect, the result of attempts to capitalize on the new ability to suspend hair vertically.
posted by The World Famous at 10:43 AM on January 3, 2012 [9 favorites]


From the long-long-ago, the time before Auto-Tune.
posted by Nelson at 10:44 AM on January 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yes, she is a sheltered .01 percenter who by virtue of her upbringing and lifestyle is unaware of examining her privilege in context - but she made a video about how much she likes her friends. That's nice.

When your friends include a (future) murderer, this has to be considered as a mitigating factor against the "niceness" factor.
posted by philip-random at 10:57 AM on January 3, 2012


So basically hair mad science then?


fringe science if you will ow ow stop hitting me
posted by The Whelk at 10:58 AM on January 3, 2012 [6 favorites]


birdherder: "If only Star Trek had envisioned the people of Kardassia as having epic buttocks instead of epic trapezoids."

Wil Wheaton shares his thoughts on the Kardashians.
posted by schmod at 11:01 AM on January 3, 2012 [5 favorites]


It's not technically slang if the buttocks in question did, in fact, launch a thousand ships.

I don't know about launching ships, but they definitely raise my mast.
posted by Crabby Appleton at 11:02 AM on January 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Not that you want to get very far into her head, but I am reminded that Alec Baldwin interviewed Kris Kardashian Jenner recently for his amazing podcast.
posted by mumkin at 11:05 AM on January 3, 2012


> Alec Baldwin interviewed Kris Kardashian Jenner recently for his amazing podcast.

From that link:

For Kris, a reality show like Keeping Up with the Kardashians was a no-brainer: “if somebody says, we could...shine a camera on your shop every day, hello, I’m signing up.”

I actually misread that as "shine a up camera up your ass" and wasn't at all surprised.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:08 AM on January 3, 2012


Wil Wheaton shares his thoughts on the Kardashians.

As with most things, Wil Wheaton said it best. Don't argue with Wesley Crusher and let's all make a pact right here that this is the only metafilter post that will ever be tagged "kardashian".
posted by T.D. Strange at 11:08 AM on January 3, 2012


Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
posted by Kelly Tulsa at 11:09 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Kris was cute as hell back then, before she read the ancient scrolls incorrectly and morphed into an all-consuming succubus forever cursed to walk the earth with rotting flesh as she slowly bores herself into the frontal lobes of the innocent oh dear gods make her stop make her stop make her stop.

But yeah, cute as a button.


Well, if the five daughters she's had are any indication, Kris is playing with a pretty good hand genetically. At least as far as looks go.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:13 AM on January 3, 2012


These are wealthy people at the time of this video, right? Then why does everything look so badly designed and clunky? Was it the time, the shoddiness of VHS or more a general Kardashian leitmotif?
posted by The Whelk at 11:15 AM on January 3, 2012


Kardashadamarung
posted by The Whelk at 11:16 AM on January 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


Then why does everything look so badly designed and clunky?

I'm pretty sure that's what the 80s were like in general.
posted by drezdn at 11:19 AM on January 3, 2012 [5 favorites]


Well, they are fodder for my new favorite twitter feed:

In a shocking turn of events, Sir Reginald Phlegmingham has posted bail for me, owing to his gratitude for my dispersal of his Kardashians. --Lord Edmund Bryll
posted by A dead Quaker at 11:20 AM on January 3, 2012


Money Creates Taste, The Whelk.
posted by Nelson at 11:21 AM on January 3, 2012


These are wealthy people at the time of this video, right? Then why does everything look so badly designed and clunky? Was it the time, the shoddiness of VHS or more a general Kardashian leitmotif?

It's a little-known factor called the 1980's.
posted by item at 11:21 AM on January 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


This supports my theory that cocaine damages your optic nerve to the point where hot pink sponge textured walls seem like a good idea.
posted by The Whelk at 11:23 AM on January 3, 2012 [5 favorites]


Then why does everything look so badly designed and clunky?

You should probably watch a few episodes of Miami Vice. Note that the only well-designed things on that show were designed in the 50s (Ray-Ban Wayfarers) and late 60s (the black Ferrari). Design peaked sometime in the 60s and has only approached that level since then by imitation.
posted by The World Famous at 11:28 AM on January 3, 2012


When your friends include a (future) murderer, this has to be considered as a mitigating factor against the "niceness" factor.

Please don't say this invalidates the hilarity of The Naked Gun movies as well.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:30 AM on January 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


When your friends include a (future) murderer, this has to be considered as a mitigating factor against the "niceness" factor.

Please don't say this invalidates the hilarity of The Naked Gun movies as well.


In fact, it makes them even more hilarious. See Also: The Towering Inferno...
posted by mikelieman at 11:32 AM on January 3, 2012


This supports my theory that cocaine damages your optic nerve

There was an article in a music magazine once about cocaine changes your hearing in such away that explains much of the music of the 80s.
posted by drezdn at 11:41 AM on January 3, 2012


I read in a magazine that cocaine destroys the addict's ability to write intelligibly.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:50 AM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


OMFG. I watched this and could immediately tell that she spent thousands of dollars on videographers and video editing. There's a shot of her in a pro audio recording studio. This was before the day of Final Cut Pro and accessible video production. Anyone want to guess what this video cost? $5000? $25,000? $50,000?

So at first I watched in horror, she might as well have released a photo of a pile of burning hundred dollar bills. But then I reconsidered. Hijacking Randy Newman's song, a celebration of the banal, is the perfect subtext.

Look at that mountain
Look at those trees
Look at that bum over there, man
He's down on his knees


The video includes a shot of a bum waving at the camera.
posted by charlie don't surf at 11:53 AM on January 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


My congratulations on your apt use of "Cerberus," Hermitosis. Well done!

In this context, we'd be remiss not to spell it Kerberus.
posted by amy lecteur at 12:05 PM on January 3, 2012 [5 favorites]


Why do we keep caring about this one family? It's up to you to end this. Just stop paying attention and they will go away.
posted by apiaryist at 12:11 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I came of age in that decade and I fucking hate it. Hate it. (Yeah, "hated" isn't accurate because it's enduring, perhaps eternal.) At a recent reunion of my three best high-school friends, somehow this sentiment burst out of me with great vehemence. It was only in the following moment of silence that I realized that, for all three of them, that was very likely the best decade of their lives.

Generally, I have very little in common with my fellow fortysomethings.

Thank God.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:14 PM on January 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


Eh, beneath the superficial glaze that covers most every generation/decade/era, people are mostly the same now as then and as they will be in the future.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:15 PM on January 3, 2012


Look at that bum over there, man
He's down on his knees

The video includes a shot of a bum waving at the camera.


I can't remember exactly where I first read this (for some reason, I think it was a Bret Easton Ellis novel), but ... why exactly is the bum down on his knees?

Popular interpretation: "Even a bum is thankful to live in such a wonderful, beautiful city."

My interpretation: "This is a song by Randy Newman, of 'Short People' and 'Burn On (Cleveland)' fame. He's inserted a sly, ironic comment into the midst of a paean of praise to glittering Los Angeles. 'L.A. I love it. Pay no attention to that bum over there, dying right in front of you. Look at these women! Ain't nothing like 'em nowhere.'"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:25 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Why do we keep caring about this one family?

Marketing. Same reason we care about anything else.
posted by The World Famous at 12:33 PM on January 3, 2012


At least the Kardashians have stolen all the attention from Paris Hilton, so there's that in their favor.
posted by briank at 12:35 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have never heard anyone interpret the bum on his knees as thankful. The cynicism of this song is pretty overt, not ironic. This isn't a paean to glittering LA, or it would talk about Sunset Boulevard instead of Sixth Street. I recall seeing an interview with Randy Newman where he makes it very explicit that this song is about banal crap.
posted by charlie don't surf at 12:39 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Actually, Sunset Boulevard is pretty horrible, in spite of its name.
posted by The World Famous at 12:41 PM on January 3, 2012


All those ape funerals get pretty depressing
posted by The Whelk at 12:49 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


why exactly is the bum down on his knees?

Turning a trick?
posted by straight at 12:49 PM on January 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Marketing. Same reason we care about anything else.

It's true. Actually, we are the product being sold to the Kardashians.

I think it goes without saying that the bum isn't down on his knees being thankful. I've always assumed that the bum was puking or looking for change or hustling a blow job or something. I mean, he's a bum on his knees in a Randy Newman song! Of course he isn't giving thanks.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:54 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think I had that haircut in the 80s before I had to cut it all off because I wrecked it with Sun-In.

I used to think that if only their father was still alive the Kardashian girls would have been less famewhorish but they never really had a shot, did they?
posted by marylynn at 12:59 PM on January 3, 2012


Lyrics by Kim, Kourtney & Khloe. I see they were just as talented then as they are now.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:11 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Well, if the five daughters she's had are any indication, Kris is playing with a pretty good hand genetically. At least as far as looks go.

Yeah, apart from that one time she hooked up with Chewbacca.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:27 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


So, I'm turning 30 this year and I'm thinking about making a little video...
posted by sararah at 1:30 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I remember the 80's. Your hair had to be big. No bigger than that. Bigger! So much hairspray.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 1:32 PM on January 3, 2012


YOUR HAIR MUST BLOT OUT THE SUN
posted by The Whelk at 1:36 PM on January 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


On the Old Republic server I play on, there's a guild calling themselves "November Fifth". I don't think they're referring to this, but from now on I'm going to pretend they are.
posted by dumbland at 1:41 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


When your friends include a (future) murderer, this has to be considered as a mitigating factor against the "niceness" factor.
posted by philip-random


How do you know that your own friends don't? Most murderers have (or had) friends, and outside of gang cultures, them murdering someone probably came as a surprise to those friends. Domestic murder is even more so.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 1:49 PM on January 3, 2012


Pffft, "May the Fourth" would be such a better name.
posted by maryr at 1:50 PM on January 3, 2012


That wouldn't show how Edgy and Anonymousy they are.
posted by dumbland at 1:53 PM on January 3, 2012


When your friends include a (future) murderer, this has to be considered as a mitigating factor against the "niceness" factor.

Who knows who's going to be a future murderer? I shared an office with a very meek guy who, just two months ago, murdered himself and his girlfriend when she tried to end the relationship. He was harmless, almost to a fault (on a couple of occasions, I wished he had've stood up for our project) and he went out and killed someone.

OJ, at the time of the video, was essentially like having Charles Barkey as a friend; a hall-of-fame guy who was charismatic enough to be popular outside of the sport.
posted by Rodrigo Lamaitre at 1:53 PM on January 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


Yeah, and nobody ever thought Michael Jackson was gonna be accused of repeated child molestation at that point either.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:55 PM on January 3, 2012


So, Kris Jenner was born on the day when Doc Emmett Brown conceived the idea for the Flux Capacitor. That's got to, like, mean something, man.
posted by The World Famous at 2:21 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's also Guy Fawkes Day? Also, "November 5th" is a euphemism for sex among a certain group of my friends (for dumb in-jokey reasons).
posted by naoko at 2:29 PM on January 3, 2012


Indeed. But I'm referring to November 5, 1955. I can only assume that she was born at the exact instant that Doc Brown's head hit the bathroom sink.
posted by The World Famous at 2:42 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Rodrigo Lamaitre: "had've"

What?
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 2:49 PM on January 3, 2012


How right you are, The World Famous - this explains everything. I was sort of distracted thinking about dumbland's guild acquaintances.
posted by naoko at 2:58 PM on January 3, 2012


Aaaaaaaaand now that song is stuck in my head... FML.
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 3:24 PM on January 3, 2012


When I do the following google video search:

kim kardashian sex tape site:youtube.com

the page of results they give me is ambiguous. Does anybody know the link to the definitive Kardashian sex video?
posted by bukvich at 3:34 PM on January 3, 2012


> the page of results they give me is ambiguous. Does anybody know the link to the definitive Kardashian sex video?

Yeah, it's a non-published link that you need to know the direct URL for. It's not that great, but here you go.
posted by Burhanistan at 3:36 PM on January 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


That's not it Burhanistan. Man you are a RIOT.
posted by bukvich at 3:59 PM on January 3, 2012


> Aaaaaaaaand now that song is stuck in my head... FML.

Follow Burhanistan's link. It will help. It helped me.
posted by Brak at 4:20 PM on January 3, 2012


At least the Kardashians have stolen all the attention from Paris Hilton, so there's that in their favor.

Most people don't realize that the Kardashians are currently in all the talk rags because of Paris Hilton. Kim was best friends with Paris Hilton and got noticed because she was always at the clubs with her. She got more and more modeling jobs by way of getting more and more noticed. The spotlight didn't fall on them in spite of a sex tape, or connections to OJ, but they helped about as much as having an a Olympian step-father. After all, no one reeaaally cares that much about a sex tape unless it's someone they are familiar with. Although, Jenner's family had already done a reality TV show previously, their mother also has a ton of connections and managed them into the spotlight.
posted by P.o.B. at 4:47 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yeah, it's a non-published link that you need to know the direct URL for. It's not that great, but here you go

Fucker got me with that one.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:50 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


The sex tape isn't that great. The original, by no surprise, seems to be really short and badly lit and filmed. The version I saw was re-edited to make the film longer and looped the sound so it played over and over.

Now that I think about it, the video was oddly surrealistic.
posted by P.o.B. at 5:04 PM on January 3, 2012


Where's a dump truck filled with human feces when you need it?
posted by cropshy at 5:15 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I filmed myself drunk yodeling Nothing Compares 2 U to my dachshund on my 30th birthday and I'm feeling a little less embarrassed about it now.
posted by HotPatatta at 5:21 PM on January 3, 2012 [7 favorites]


Did the dog sing back?
posted by Burhanistan at 5:33 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Marketing. Same reason we care about anything else.

It's true. Actually, we are the product being sold to the Kardashians.


Actually, the Kardashians' audience is the product being sold to the advertisers.
posted by carmicha at 7:40 PM on January 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Nuke all Kardashians from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.
posted by bardic at 8:08 PM on January 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


Also, "November 5th" is a euphemism for sex among a certain group of my friends (for dumb in-jokey reasons).

November 5th? But I hardly know her!

Four years at MIT, ladies and gentlemen. This is what it buys you.
posted by maryr at 8:13 PM on January 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


These are wealthy people at the time of this video, right? Then why does everything look so badly designed and clunky? Was it the time, the shoddiness of VHS or more a general Kardashian leitmotif?

That's just Ronald Reagan's America -- smiling at you.
posted by philip-random at 9:01 PM on January 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


I filmed myself drunk yodeling Nothing Compares 2 U to my dachshund on my 30th birthday and I'm feeling a little less embarrassed about it now.

THE LINK NOW GIVE IT TO US
posted by dubitable at 12:12 AM on January 4, 2012


I don't care (or kare) for the Kardashians, but I turn 30 this year. And I also love my friends! We have so much in common!!!!
posted by mippy at 5:47 AM on January 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


The Whelk: "So basically hair mad science then?


fringe science if you will ow ow stop hitting me
"

Thump.
posted by Samizdata at 7:37 PM on January 4, 2012


"Where's a dump truck filled with human feces when you need it?"

While the demand for our dump truck filled with human feces is constant, it's also quite limited and therefore we only have one in service at any given time. Consulting the big board just now, I see that you're currently second in the queue and the truck should arrive at your home within the next eight to twelve hours. That's accounting for sufficient time for a reload and transit.

We value your patronage and hope that you enjoy your mountain of shit.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 9:08 PM on January 4, 2012


Is that accounting for traffic on the 405?
posted by The World Famous at 11:00 PM on January 4, 2012


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