You call those fist names?! Say hello to Bono and Sandra Day O'Connor!

January 20, 2012 6:38 AM

Are you at a pugilistic disadvantage because your fist names are substandard or uninspired? Problem solved.
posted by acanthous (42 comments total)

Mix and match with your Hobbit name!
posted by kaibutsu at 6:43 AM on January 20

I entered 'Jack Donaghy' and 'John Francis Donaghy.' It didn't produce the desired response.

That Dr. O'Callahan is a quack!
posted by the man of twists and turns at 6:43 AM on January 20 [1 favorite]

Which one is Yoel and which one is Jose?
posted by biffa at 6:48 AM on January 20

When engaging in fisticuffs also remember to wear your fighting trousers.
posted by XMLicious at 6:51 AM on January 20 [3 favorites]

My fists used to be named Doctor and Vice President Biden before realizing how hugely tactless that was. So now they're....Christopher Nolan and Cillian Murphy. I can deal with that.

They have been used once, when I was in fourth grade.
posted by troika at 6:53 AM on January 20 [2 favorites]

Say hello to Bono and Sandra Day O'Connor!

No right hook this one.
posted by three blind mice at 6:58 AM on January 20 [1 favorite]

Eamonn Andrews and Hennie Quentemeijer? Really? I had no idea I had so many fingers.
posted by kinnakeet at 7:00 AM on January 20

TBH, I was thoroughly uninspired by the names I was given. Seriously; David O'Doherty and Crystal Morales?!? The obligatory link to Wikipedia was a nice touch, despite the fact that it only offered results on a portion of the names provided.

The names randomly filled into the "your name" box, however, were wonderful. So I'm going with Rico Félix Trinidad and Harold Scully Sr.
posted by Blue_Villain at 7:00 AM on January 20

Laurence Sterne, really?
posted by empath at 7:07 AM on January 20

"Johnny Marr"? Seriously?
posted by googly at 7:08 AM on January 20

"Sterne died in London after years of fighting

consumption."

SO CLOSE.
posted by troika at 7:13 AM on January 20 [5 favorites]

James Butler and Sugar Ramos. Sugar?
posted by jonmc at 7:14 AM on January 20

I was hoping it was going to render them as very short names in ornate lettering tattooed across knuckles.

Hmm.
posted by cortex at 7:20 AM on January 20

So, if I put in my full name I get "George Barrington and Ciaran Bourke" which is pretty good. We've got a pickpocket who once robbed a Russian Prince and a guy who was in the Dubliners, awesome.

If I only put in my first and last name, I get "Gemma Hayes and Fiona Shaw," which is not nearly as good. I mean, I'm sure they're fine people, but I don't think naming my fists after the woman who played Petunia Dursley is going to get me very far in a bar fight.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:25 AM on January 20

"Michelle Sutcliffe and Matthew Podgorski".

I feel strangely insecure about that.
posted by mhoye at 7:35 AM on January 20

Laurence Sterne, really?

Is it... the six of clubs?
posted by griphus at 7:37 AM on January 20 [2 favorites]

I was hoping it was going to render them as very short names in ornate lettering tattooed across knuckles.


That's a great idea, but my knuckles already say "meta filtr."
posted by Stagger Lee at 7:38 AM on January 20

One is a female boxer, which is great! One is Samantha Mumba, which is...less great!
posted by dismas at 7:39 AM on January 20

"Mohandas K. Gandhi" and "the Late Rabbi Meyer Turtletaub."

I just can't catch a break.
posted by PlusDistance at 7:48 AM on January 20 [2 favorites]

"Sterne died in London after years of fighting consumption."

Consumption has a mean overhand right.
posted by Billiken at 7:52 AM on January 20

These will not supplant the names that my fists already have. And I will not tell them to you. Knowing the true name of a thing gives you power over that thing.
posted by Splunge at 7:58 AM on January 20

My porn name is my fisting name.
posted by pracowity at 8:00 AM on January 20 [1 favorite]

Wait.
posted by pracowity at 8:00 AM on January 20

Damn.
posted by pracowity at 8:01 AM on January 20

I named mine Hyacinthe & Eleanore, the first and middle names of the man credited with invented the modern keywork system of the clarinet.

What?
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:02 AM on January 20 [1 favorite]

"Michelle Sutcliffe and Matthew Podgorski".

Podgórski in Polish is Underhill. Not that Underhill, this one. So not that bad. Just half that bad.
posted by hat_eater at 8:08 AM on January 20

Mine cale up Yvonne. Now there's a man's name where you have to be a good fighter.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:13 AM on January 20

The left fist is RMB, the right is LMB. I've been playing too much Skyrim.
posted by Spatch at 8:19 AM on January 20 [5 favorites]

Tonton Semakala, which is all kinds of awesome.

I thought from the name he might be Finnish, but it turns out he's from Sweden.
posted by Jehan at 8:23 AM on January 20

> One is a female boxer, which is great

Dawn George? Do we share a fist?
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:53 AM on January 20

WOOOO! Evander Holyfield and... Stan Cooper? A US state senator? I'm Canadian for chrissakes!

Anyways, I decided I have better fist names: Paul McCartney and Elton John. Anyone wanna get their ass kicked by a coupla KNIGHTS?!
posted by Nutri-Matic Drinks Synthesizer at 9:21 AM on January 20

Dawn George? Do we share a fist?

Nope, Theresa Arnold. Pound it anyway.
posted by dismas at 9:47 AM on January 20 [1 favorite]

Yeah naming fists after boxers is kind of a cop-out on the "uninspired" front. Plus I got Lennox Lewis, which I thought was kinda weird. "My right fist is called Lennox Lewis, because of its brilliant strategy and ideal physique suited to fighting opponents with shorter reach"
posted by Hoopo at 11:10 AM on January 20

As an average Joe, I couldn't think of anything more appropriate than naming my fists Tom and Harry.
posted by codswallop at 11:21 AM on January 20

From my real name I got "Champion Jack Dupree"!! I like this.
posted by marienbad at 11:22 AM on January 20

Also: Bonio is not fit to touch the gravestone of Jack Dupree!
posted by marienbad at 11:25 AM on January 20

I'm pretty happy with mine (from my real name): Alex Hilton and Benny Leonard, both scrappy boxers.

Hilton was an 80s Canadian middleweight who spent time in jail and Leonard, which I assume would be my right fist, was a highly ranked Jewish lightweight in the 20s.

From Wikipedia:

Leonard fought with his head. His most famed rival, Lew Tendler, claimed that Leonard had talked him out of the title by whispering disconcerting things between punches. Leonard's version: "He caught me over the eye with a left and I felt my knees going under me. I said, That was a good punch, Lew.' I said it in a friendly, matter-of-fact tone of voice and it put the fight on a different plane. Lew snarled, 'Never mind that stuff, come on and fight.' But I stuck out a restraining hand and said, 'No, Lew. That was really a good punch. It was all right.' Lew paused again, and by that time I had recovered my senses."

Before Leonard's fight with Richie Mitchell, the referee explained the then-new rule that after scoring a knockdown, a boxer must go to a neutral corner. Leonard suddenly registered perplexity. "Let me get this straight," he said. "As I understand it, every time I knock him down I'm to go to a neutral corner." Mitchell looked nervous. Leonard knocked him out in the sixth round after Mitchell knocked Leonard down in the first round.

Speaking of boxing, I really miss those days in my youth when championships meant something and the whole world would watch.

I guess I need to get out my DVD of When We Were Kings and watch it again.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 11:51 AM on January 20

I can't believe you didn't mention his awesome nickname (per the wiki link): The Ghetto Wizard
posted by Hoopo at 11:55 AM on January 20

Yeah, that is pretty awesome.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 12:05 PM on January 20

James Butler and Sugar Ramos. Sugar?

Sugar's a great fist name. Wanna taste of Sugar? I didn't think so.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:32 PM on January 20 [1 favorite]

Apparently, my fists are Irish (or wannabe).

Gentlemen (and Ladies), meet Sir Alfred Chester Beatty and Brian Friel.
posted by _paegan_ at 11:22 AM on January 22

One of my fist names is Paddy Keenan. Who is, I discover, a uilleann pipes player. Or possibly a Gaelic football player.

Beat.That.
posted by misha at 10:10 PM on January 22