Ultimate Tazer Ball

February 18, 2012 8:21 AM

"How do you get Americans interested in soccer? ... For one thing, you make the balls much bigger and the teams much smaller. For another, you arm each of the players with a stun gun."
posted by NotMyselfRightNow (46 comments total)

You let an American team win the Championship league.
posted by srboisvert at 8:23 AM on February 18, 2012

that's not enough tedious rules lawering for Americans to really like it.
posted by The Whelk at 8:25 AM on February 18, 2012 [5 favorites]

I watched the final link the other day and I have to say that I was disappointed by the relative dearth of tazing.
posted by cortex at 8:34 AM on February 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

This simple illustration should help with the basics.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 8:34 AM on February 18, 2012 [16 favorites]

I think i won't be interested in sports until it's like that one game that basically puts american football into the Warhammer 40k universe. ;)
posted by usagizero at 8:42 AM on February 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

Vinne would still do 'em
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 8:43 AM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think i won't be interested in sports until it's like that one game that basically puts american football into the Warhammer 40k universe. ;)

Blood Bowl. Go Greenfield Grasshuggers!
posted by Flunkie at 8:47 AM on February 18, 2012

I'm still waiting for a sport that actually has that pumped up Carmina Burana style choir music LIVE while the game is unfolding.
posted by philip-random at 8:57 AM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think taser use should not be trivialized by incorporating them into a game. As a society, we seem to be getting closer and closer to the Romans.
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 8:58 AM on February 18, 2012 [3 favorites]

Putting American football into another universe sounds like a winning idea!
posted by telstar at 9:02 AM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

This is nothing. I'm still waiting for the zero-gravity Ender's Game style laser tag.
posted by astapasta24 at 9:07 AM on February 18, 2012

That's it folks, we're in the future now. I'm just a little surprised we made it to space soccer before we got hover boards and world peace.
posted by Rugglution at 9:10 AM on February 18, 2012

Also it's not a proper death sport without motorcycles. Or Rutger Hauer.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 9:16 AM on February 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

American Rugby!
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:18 AM on February 18, 2012

I guess that after they've tried everything else to get Americans to care about soccer, this is the only thing left.
posted by octothorpe at 9:19 AM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

WTF? Soccer already has tazers. That's why players are always flopping around on the ground in agony when they haven't even touched an opposing player, isn't it?
posted by The Prawn Reproach at 9:33 AM on February 18, 2012 [5 favorites]

Let's not taze my beloved Sounders, please.
posted by spinifex23 at 9:39 AM on February 18, 2012

This is a game that feels straight out of Idiocracy.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:39 AM on February 18, 2012 [8 favorites]

We already have Rollerball, why would we need this?
posted by HuronBob at 9:41 AM on February 18, 2012

You have to stop the game every 90 seconds, explain what just happened to the spectators via instant replay, have a commercial break, and then tell them what to expect in the upcoming play. Throw in some onscreen graphics explaining the basic rules with big arrows from the ball to the goal, a countdown clock, and a pair of narrators too busy telling anecdotes about the player's family histories to pay attention to the actual game.

Sprinkle with performance enhancing drugs, in game violence, and an active betting pool. Don't forget to add cheerleaders to keep the crowd entertained.
posted by ceribus peribus at 9:49 AM on February 18, 2012 [8 favorites]

Funny how the violence and macho posturing of the tazering still isn't quite enough to counter the silliness of a bunch of guys scampering around with a kid's beachball.
posted by sleepcrime at 9:53 AM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don’t want Americans interested in soccer, we’d just ruin it.
posted by bongo_x at 9:54 AM on February 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

How to get Americans interested in soccer? Invent a completely different sport and use a ball with a colour scheme that is vaguely reminiscent of a soccer ball.
posted by beau jackson at 9:57 AM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

A long time ago I read a story called "The American Pass-time" by Normal Spinrad, which was about how a network which got frozen out of the NFL bidding created its own competing football league, with different and much more violent rules. As the story goes on, the game keeps changing, you end up with Combat Football, in which the fans of the competing teams fight each other in the stands, and in a typical game upwards of 20 of them end up dead.

It had much the same feel as the movie "Network", in that it was presenting something which was clearly not really going to happen -- except that it might.

Except that this Tazer Ball game seems to be moving in exactly that direction. How long before we get lions and Christians?
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 10:10 AM on February 18, 2012

How to get Americans interested in soccer? Move them to Portland or Seattle.

We get more people attending soccer matches than baseball games these days.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:15 AM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

Our local team averaged 1130 attendees per game last year about 1/4 of the attendance that our pro women's football team gets. Interestingly, both teams will be sharing a new stadium next year.
posted by octothorpe at 10:34 AM on February 18, 2012

Lions and Christians? This is America, it'll be Muslims (in full purdah dress) vs. bald eagles. And maybe some pepper spray or tear gas mixed in.
posted by idiopath at 10:41 AM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

Can't wait to see their thoughts on Formula 1.
posted by LordSludge at 10:55 AM on February 18, 2012

Will there be permed men in ladies' underwear pretending to be mortally injured until the ref ignores them?
posted by codswallop at 11:46 AM on February 18, 2012

You have to stop the game every 90 seconds, explain what just happened to the spectators via instant replay, have a commercial break, and then tell them what to expect in the upcoming play. Throw in some onscreen graphics explaining the basic rules with big arrows from the ball to the goal, a countdown clock, and a pair of narrators too busy telling anecdotes about the player's family histories to pay attention to the actual game.

I'm sorry, but this is just stupid and it's most of the whole problem.

For instance, take a standard issue NFL defense. You're basically looking at three levels of the eleven guys on on the field. This will vary depending on the team and the way the down is being played, but you've got: the guys on the line (first line of defense, and the guys expected to get to the other teams quarterback in most cases) the guys in the middle (linebackers and safeties mostly,) and the guys on the corners whose job it is to make the speedy guys who run down the field have a hard time of it (oddly enough, called "cornerbacks.")

You could spend an entire game just watching any one of those three levels and see an entirely different game being played.

Then there's the other eleven guys on the other side. Trying to make those other eleven guys have a bad day. It's a chess match. There's supposed to be some time between the moves. That's how it works.

I love soccer. High-level Champions League play literally sometimes makes my jaw drop. But it's a different game with a different flow. Trying to make comparisons because of the similar names is just silly and ain't going to help more Americans get into it.

Shorter version: watch a baseball game with someone who can explain to you how a pitcher is working the pitch count. There's more there than you realize.
posted by Cyrano at 11:53 AM on February 18, 2012 [3 favorites]

The ball needs a giant picture of Jesus on it.
posted by benzenedream at 12:06 PM on February 18, 2012

The concept sounds fun and silly to me. It has a comically oversized ball, *tazers*, a low number of players and people wearing bright fluorescent colours to play up the gimmick of "electricity". This should be at most, as serious as pro-wrestling with all the build up and for-show characters. It's instead portrayed as being dangerous and competitive? Sure it is dangerous, but I don't see that as more appealing than having a laugh with the same toys.
posted by Submiqent at 12:43 PM on February 18, 2012

What John Cleese said.
posted by jan murray at 1:59 PM on February 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

This is not nearly as violent as "Professional" American Football. Fail! These guys are punks, and wouldn't last an hour against real football players. That said, this isn't praise for American Football; it's a barbaric game that slowly kills and cripples a significant minority (maybe a majority) of its participants. (byw, I used to be a huge fan until the game got stupider and stupider, more and more violent, and announced by the most dumb-fuck ex-jocks in the entire universe. Seriously, even for a fan, American Football is a mind-melt.
posted by Vibrissae at 2:23 PM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

"That's stupid." -- My son, age 9.
posted by sneebler at 3:34 PM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

How do you get Americans interested in soccer?

You could try putting it on TV once in a while. Several members of my family are interested in watching it but we can never find it.
posted by DU at 5:17 PM on February 18, 2012

DU: "You could try putting it on TV once in a while. Several members of my family are interested in watching it but we can never find it."

There is a soccer channel and ESPN3 has a lot of soccer games if you don't mind watching on your computer or have a device that can put ESPN3 on your TV.
posted by wierdo at 5:48 PM on February 18, 2012

Speaking of ball size, Beckham's immodest underwear ad during the Super Bowl, first of all yeah on reflection he balls are a bit undersized, I had no idea this was a general problem with soccer players. I guess Posh Spice proves the adage that it's how you use it. I suppose it may also be his sports car. I don't think soccer would be improved if Beckham got implants.
posted by humanfont at 7:17 PM on February 18, 2012

Shorter version: watch a baseball game with someone who can explain to you how a pitcher is working the pitch count. There's more there than you realize.

I agree, but in actuality this is true of literally every sport on the planet. It's not a useful basis for comparison.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 7:31 PM on February 18, 2012

Ok, but keep going. I need two man teams, body-diameter ball and flamethrowers.
posted by telstar at 7:54 PM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

There are still two stalkers out there. Dynamo and Fireball. Who do you think will make the next kill?
posted by orme at 9:09 PM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

Well, that solves the head injury problem, I guess...
posted by Paris Hilton at 10:11 PM on February 18, 2012

But it's a different game with a different flow. Trying to make comparisons because of the similar names is just silly and ain't going to help more Americans get into it.

I agree. Soccer is all about anticipation, build-up and release. Or not. Some of the best games I've ever seen were 0-0 draws.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 1:30 AM on February 20, 2012

There is apparently no English wikipedia article on Ultimate Tazer Ball, which perhaps says something about the fans, a French wikipedia article exists however.
posted by jeffburdges at 7:02 AM on February 20, 2012

I suppose if you wished to explain football to Americans using tazers, the obvious solution might be embedding a tazer in a football, i.e. anyone who touches the ball with their hands gets tazed. You'd need thin non-conductive helmets for everyone and gloves for the goalie or something.
posted by jeffburdges at 7:13 AM on February 20, 2012

same idea as Pro Thunderball????
posted by kakarott999 at 2:58 PM on February 20, 2012 [1 favorite]