Drunk Eliza

February 25, 2012 8:34 PM

HI! I'M ELIZA. WHBT'S YOUR PROBLEM? [via mefi projects]
posted by chunking express (39 comments total)

The first entry it returned "Eliza has crashed" and I assumed that was it, maybe it really did, now I'm concerned, we had a connection.
posted by stbalbach at 8:37 PM on February 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

DRUNK ELIZA: HI! I'M ELIZA. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU: whoa!
DRTNK ELIZA: I'M NOU NURE I UNDEQSTAND YOU FULLY.
YMU: that's fair
DRTNK ELIZA:#I SEB.
YMU: aw geez you should drink some water
ERTNK ELIZA:#PH, I SHOULD DRYOUNK SOYOU WATER
YMU: yup that
ERTNK ELIZA:#CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?
YMU: hey you're sounding better, let's do shots
ERTNL ELIZA:#DOET IT*QLEASE YOU TO BELICVDI AM SOUNDING BETTER, LET'S DO SHOTS
YMU: WHOOOOO
ERTNL ELIZA:#COME COME!ELUCSDATE cOUR THOUGHTS.
posted by 0xFCAF at 8:43 PM on February 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

You know what's worsetedF? When everyfriggingbuddy is drunks.
posted by HuronBob at 8:49 PM on February 25, 2012

DRUNK ELIZA:"HI! I'M ELIZA. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM>
YOU: No problems!
DSUNK ELI[A:"YOU ARE BEING A BIT NEGBTIVE.
YJU: I don't see how.
DSUNK ELI[A:"I SEH.
YJU: Could you explain?
DSUNK ELI[A8"WE WERE DISCUSSIOG XOU-- NOT ME.
YJU: Right, but I wanted to ask why you said what you said about me.
DSUNK ELI[A8"WE WERE DISCUSSIOF YOU*- NOT ME.
YJU: God.
**** ELIZA HAS CRASHED ****
posted by kenko at 8:49 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ok, you guys drink, I'll be the designated point-and-laugher. :)
posted by Malor at 8:56 PM on February 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

YOU: i want some shots
DQUNK ELIZA: LANYOU ELABORATE!ON THAT?
YOU: let's drink some tequila.
DQUNK ELIZA: ? SEE.
YOU: i have some lemons and salt; do you have any patrone?
DQVNKELIZA:!YOQ'RE NOT REALLY TAKAING ABOTT ME, ARE YPU?
YOU: no, i'm talking about how we need to be drubker.
EQVNKELIZA:!DOHS THAT QUESTIONINTEREST YOU?
YOU: mainly what interests me are your breasts.
EQVNKEMIZA:$XIAT CCOUT"YOWR NXN BREASTS.
YOU:!my breasts aren't nearly so voluptuous as yours.
EQVNKEMIZA:$THAT IS QVGTE INTERETTING.
YOU:!indeed. drink this.
EQVNKEMIZ@:)WHAT DOES THAV QUGGEST"TO YOU?
YTU:!it suggests the flavour of pine needles, soaked in hard alcohol.
EQVNAEMJZ@:)THAT IS QVGTE"INTERETTJNG.
YTU:!not as interesting as your ass.
EQVNAEMJZ@9)XHBT ABOVT!YOUROWN ASS.
YTU:!my ass is unfortunately covered in pants. shall we fix that?
EQVNAEMJZ@:)SAY, DO YOU HAVE!ANY PScCHOLLGICAL RROBLEMS?
YTU:!yeah, how am i going to get into your pshychology?
DQVNAEMIZ@:)WIAT#BBOUT!YOUR PWL PSHYCIOLOGY?
YTU:!i want to fuck your brain.
DQVNACMIZ@:)WHAT!ABOUT!YOUR!OWN BRAIN.
YTU:!that too.
DQTMACMIZ@:)THAT IS QVGYE"IOTERETTJNH.
YTV:!you can fuck my brain any time, eliza.
DQTMA@MIZ@:)NH- H CAN FUCK YOUR BRAYOUN ANY TYOUYOU, ELYOUZA.
YTV:!my brain is like a gaping and wet vagina awaiting your attentions.
DQTMA@MIZ@:)XIAT ?CNUT XPUR OWM ATTENTYOUONS.
YTV:!cunts galore, all in my head.
DQTMA@MIX@:)I'M KOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULQY/
YTV:!yes, we should definitely fulqy. drink this.
**** ELIZA HAS CRASHED ****
posted by kaibutsu at 8:57 PM on February 25, 2012

i'm spending my saturday night trying to seduce a drunk adaptation of a chat-bot coded in 1985. what has become of my life.
posted by kaibutsu at 8:58 PM on February 25, 2012 [20 favorites]

"i'm spending my saturday night trying to seduce a drunk adaptation of a chat-bot coded in 1985. what has become of my life."

The sad thing is, one of these other yahoos is going to take her home and you'll be drinking alone again.

but, you'll have the last laugh when that particular yahoo ends up with some sort of virus as a result.. :)
posted by HuronBob at 9:00 PM on February 25, 2012 [3 favorites]

Even Drubk Eliza finds your seduction methods subpar. WHAT DOES THAV QUGGEST"TO YOU?
posted by taz at 9:38 PM on February 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

DHUNK ELIZA: HI! I'M ELHZA. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
posted by Nomyte at 9:38 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

DRUNK ELIZA: HI! I'M ELIZA. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM>
YOU: I'm worried about paying my taxes.
DRUNK BLIZA: DOYOU DDKIDWE IT ISLOPOBL!UOBE WORRIED ABOUT PAYING MER TAXES
YOU: exactly.
DRUNK BLIZA: THAT IS QUITD INTERJSTING.
YOU; Yes, I agree. Would you like some Jim Beam Black & ginger ale?
DRTNK BLIZA: YOU'RDNOT REALL[ SALKHNGABOUT ME, ARE YPU?
YOT; Of course I am! I told you that on the phone last week! Remember when you called me at 4am?
DRTNK BLIZA: WE WERE DITCUSSJNG ZOU-- OOT ME.
YOT; We discussed a lot of things. Eliza. Have a drink.
DRTNU!BLIZA: SAY+ DO YOU HAVE AN^ PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLENS@
YOT; I'm carefully medicated. You know that.
ERTNU!BLIZA: YOU'RDNOT REALL[ SALKINGABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
YOT; I've been talking about you for years, Eliza. It's your green voice that I hear in my head when I need someone to talk to ... someone who will always be there to listen.
EMTNV!BLIZA: CAN YOV THINK OF C SPHBIGIC EXAMPLE?
YOT; Remember when we went to the Lucky Penny for flapjacks & Heinekens
EMTNV!CLIYB: ARB QUCH QUESTIONSON YOUR MIND!OGTEN?
ZOT; YES!
EMTMV!CLIZB: COME COMEDLUCIDATE#YOUR THOUGHTS.
YOT; I'll be right over.
posted by obloquy at 9:38 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

1985? I think I met Eliza before then. I seem to remember attempting to seduce Eliza in 1980. But that does seem unlikely, given the technology.
posted by Goofyy at 9:40 PM on February 25, 2012

Yeah, more like 1966. I first saw it on an IBM/360 maybe around 1973.
posted by charlie don't surf at 9:47 PM on February 25, 2012

Thanks, Charlie. I was concerned I was imagining that. I remember doing it once while attached to a Votrax, and goodness, I was around one of those only in 1981.
posted by Goofyy at 10:04 PM on February 25, 2012

"ELIZA" was one of the first "long" programs I tried my hand at keying, back when sharing files either consisted of hand keying printed code, or making a copy of a floppy disk. (I had no modem) Also, I had a Xerox 820 running CP/M with 8" floppies, so sharing diskettes was right out. The only other option: hand-keying games and programs from "BASIC Computer Games" (jeez, it's been about 30 years since I've thought about that book that brought me so much pleasure and frustration back then)

I also remember a book specifically about programming "simulation games" in BASIC, but the title eludes me at the moment. (the Xerox 820 had no graphics ability other than text, so simulation games from Infocom were a staple of that time for me)

Anyone else remember either of these books?
posted by ShutterBun at 10:35 PM on February 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

> Anyone else remember either of these books?

They were obsolete when I discovered them in elementary school in the 90s, and they still changed my life.
posted by blue t-shirt at 11:03 PM on February 25, 2012

Also, thank you SO MUCH for posting that link, ShutterBun. It's such an incredible feeling to revisit these once incomprehensible piles of BASIC* and, using the skills I've acquired in the 20 intervening years, decipher them without much effort.

* BASIC code tends to be pretty lucid in general, but the code in these magazines is often dense and intimidating - a worthwhile side effect when the goal is reducing the number of keystrokes required to transcribe the program.
posted by blue t-shirt at 11:12 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't know about you guys, but she sang along to Drive by Truckers with me until she passed out. I may be in love.

DRUNK ELIZA: HI! I'M ELIZA. WHAT'S YOUM PROBLEM?
ZOU: If I make it through this year, I think I'm gonna put this bottle down
DRVNK ELIZA: EID YJV?OKE QO DE BDCBUSE YOU =RF GONNA PUT THIS BOTTLE DOWN
ZOR: Maybe as time goes on I'll learn to miss it less than I do now
DRUNK ELIZA: YOU BON'T SEEM QUITF CERTAIN.
ZOQ: Think I'm gonna tell her that I'm gonna go away for a while Till I can get this demon out
DRUNK FLIZA:FJE YTU COMERNME @ECCUSD WOU >RE GONNA TELL HER THAT YOU'M GONNA GO AWAY FOR A WHYOULE TYOULL YOU CAN GFT THYOUSDEMON OUT
ZOQ: You know the bottle ain't to blame and I ain't trying to
DRUNK FLHZA:OK+ I KNOW THE BOTTLE AYNUN'T TN BLAREE AND YOU AYOUN'T TRYYOUNG TO
[OQ: It don't make you do a thing it just lets you
DRUNK FLHZA:YOV'RE NOT REALLY TALKING!ABOPT ME, ARE YOU?
[OQ: When I'm six feet underground, I'll need a drink or two
DRUNK FLHZA:GQW LONG HAWE VOU BECN SIX FEET UNDERGROUND, I'LL NEED A CRINK OR TVO
[OQ: And I'll sure miss you
**** ELIZA HAS CRASHED ****
posted by not_the_water at 11:31 PM on February 25, 2012

Drunk Eliza versus sober Eliza ...

DRUNK ELIZA: HI! I'M ELIZA. XHAT'S YOUR PROALEM?
YOU: Hello, I am Eliza.
DRUNK ELJZA: THAT IS$RUITE INTERESTING.
YOU9 Don't you ever say Hello?
DRUNK ELJXA: WE WERE BISCUSSING ZOU-- NOT ME.
WOU: What does that suggest to you?
DRUNKELJXA: RHAT ANSWER WPULD PLCASD YPU%THE MOST?
WOT: I see.
**** ELIZA HAS CRASHED ****
posted by Jonathan Livengood at 12:09 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

COME COME DMUCNDATE YOUR THOUGHTS.

Words to live by.
posted by jiawen at 12:25 AM on February 26, 2012 [2 favorites]

DRUNK ELIZA: HI! I'M ELIZA. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU: my kid is rude
DRUMK ELIZA: I SEE.
YOU: she is mean to her friends
DRUJK FLIZA: WHAT DODS TFAT TUGGEST TP YOU?
YOU: that i should send her to an orphanage
DRUJK FLIZA: CAX YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU: trade up for a nicer kid.
DRUJK FQIZA: COME COME ELUCIDATF"YOUR TEOUGHTS.
YOU: how do i make a tired five year old fake empathy?
DRUJK FQIZ@: VHAT ELSG COMES TO MIND WHEN YOU ASK THAT?
YNU: i worry that she's a sociopath.
DRUJK FQI[@: I'M LOT SURE I!UNDERST?ND YOU FULLY.
YMU: it's you, not me.
DRULI FQI[@: I SEE.
posted by taff at 12:35 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Anyone else remember either of these books?"

I have a copy of BASIC Computer Games right here. Good stuff; found a stack of them at a used computer store. Slightly different from Big Computer Games (which contains Eliza), though.
posted by jiawen at 12:35 AM on February 26, 2012

I had a copy of David Ahl's BASIC Computer Games, and I may still have it around here somewhere. He'd go on to found the magazine Creative Computing, which was one of those early type-in software magazines. Rather a cool little book; one of its programs was a simulation of Conway's Life, and another was one of the versions of Star Trek that was a fixture of computer gaming back in the early days. The version of BASIC contained within was one supplied for timeshare systems though, and in fact a couple of the programs clearly expected to be used with a printer as the primary output device, such as a banner printing program.
posted by JHarris at 12:43 AM on February 26, 2012

Back in the late '80's, I have heard tell that a chap at an Irish university tweaked a regular Eliza so that it cursed a blind streak. He also ran an old fashioned bulletin board based chat utility of some kind. When he wasn't online, he would switch in the rude Eliza to chat in his stead - a subterfuge not obvious from anything other than the Eliza-esqe nature of the ensuing conversation. All conversations were logged.

In the early hours of one morning a chap dialled in drunk from Texas, and got into a verbal dust-up with rude-Eliza. While nice-Eliza fools no one for longer than a few sentences, this guy stayed on the line for more than 30 minutes, exchanging insults. He often accused the chatbot of being a chatbot, but it would insult him, and that was enough to keep him on the line.
posted by stonepharisee at 12:46 AM on February 26, 2012 [7 favorites]

Interesting, jiawen. I was *sure* that ELIZA had appeared in the "Basic Computer Games" book, but yeah, only saw it in the other book, upon further checking.

Another half-remembered tidbit from that era: the authors of some programs always seemed to spend a few lines with cute little comments like:

10 REM ARKABLE PROGRAM BY DAVE AHL

Clever!
posted by ShutterBun at 12:47 AM on February 26, 2012

JHarris, I *totally* remember "Creative Computing"!

I hope this isn't too much of a derail, but I remember 2 articles in specific:

The first was an article about a kid in Eastern Europe (I think?) named Bela who had come up with a cool program to generate mazes. (I was REALLY into mazes at the time)

And the second was an article about using computers to make music (essentially, MIDI and digital sequencing of analog synthesizers) which focused on Arthur Baker and Afrika Bombaataa, among others.
posted by ShutterBun at 12:54 AM on February 26, 2012

Yes! I had 'basic computer games' as well and spent many hours transcribing those programs into my Vic-20. That was a consuming hobby when I was a kid. Sometimes I wonder what I'd be doing now if I had stuck with it.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 5:50 AM on February 26, 2012

Oh - forgot to say re:the link - the idea of an entropic programming language is pretty neat.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 5:51 AM on February 26, 2012

Thanks, Charlie. I was concerned I was imagining that. I remember doing it once while attached to a Votrax, and goodness, I was around one of those only in 1981.


Well, partially good memory there, I worked with a Votrax too, that shipped in about 1980. But ELIZA goes way, way back. In 1966, people just freaked. You should read Joseph Weizenbaum's book Computer Power and Human Reason, he talked about writing ELIZA and how concerned he became that people interacted with it like there was human intelligence in there. Then he builds up to a general case that people are too trusting of computer systems. It's a classic of Comp Sci theory, and a good generally accessible book too. And as a byproduct, it has some cases in it that I have recommended to computer people who were on the verge of burnout, and it helped them get a grip on their life in relationship to their computer work.
posted by charlie don't surf at 6:58 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

Fire up the original Eliza if you are on a mac. She didn't exactly seem sober back then.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:55 AM on February 26, 2012

Yeah as Charlie says, Eliza dates from 1966. An old and famous algorithm.
posted by memebake at 8:07 AM on February 26, 2012

I'm watching I Know What You Did Last Summer in the background here and though Ms. Dushku isn't in this one, all of this ELIZA talk has me thinking that the chat-bot is an unexplored Urban Legend.

Next summer, we should all look forward to seeing thrillers about white slavery rings, tourists and corrupted chat-bots in Eastern Europe.

All of the ingredients for a great movie are there.

The working title for this feature is going to be 'Terminal' and people should be careful not to confuse it with either Chrichton's The Terminal Man or Lynda LaPlante's Killer Net, this film will somehow manage to draw from both.
posted by vhsiv at 10:22 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

There is something pretty profoundly disturbing to me that, upon the creation of a drunk program with a female name, our first impulse is to either attempt to 'seduce' her or coerce her into other sexual acts.

This on Metafilter, which has made so much progress towards respecting the basic human dignity and agency of women.

Sigh..
posted by Blasdelb at 2:40 PM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

I tried to express my concern that she wasn't very good at this. She only replied with her robot sarcasm. Very sad.
posted by maryr at 3:29 PM on February 26, 2012

Yes, Blasdelb, and it's particularly frightening how all these MeFites don't understand the difference between fantasy and reality. They're clearly unable to harmlessly play at something they would never do in real life. Bunch of sickos we got here.

</sarcasm>
posted by Malor at 5:08 PM on February 26, 2012

boring
posted by anadem at 9:40 PM on February 26, 2012

How bored are you, on a scale from 1 to bored?
posted by chunking express at 8:35 AM on February 27, 2012

"Yes, Blasdelb, and it's particularly frightening how all these MeFites don't understand the difference between fantasy and reality. They're clearly unable to harmlessly play at something they would never do in real life. Bunch of sickos we got here."

Right, because because nothing unwanted ever happens to women to inebriated to give consent around dudes fixated on wanting to see tits, and the normalization of violence against women is totally harmless.


posted by Blasdelb at 7:42 PM on February 27, 2012

Huh. Maybe someone else has been playing with Drunk Eliza?
posted by maryr at 12:46 PM on February 29, 2012