that poor beer keg!
April 13, 2012 8:14 AM Subscribe
Disclaimer: I've never watched any of these movies.
The machete is obviously Jason's weapon of choice, but he certainly tries to get a head-squishing in once a movie, doesn't he?
posted by LN at 8:41 AM on April 13, 2012
The machete is obviously Jason's weapon of choice, but he certainly tries to get a head-squishing in once a movie, doesn't he?
posted by LN at 8:41 AM on April 13, 2012
I'm sort of confused by where the bodies for one movie end and the next begin, and that's despite knowing the opening to Jason Goes To Hell better than I would admit if I weren't posting under a pseudonym.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:45 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:45 AM on April 13, 2012
Bulgaoktones: I was confused, too, until I noticed the labels. Where the titles are is where each movie starts.
(Yes, Part V is that lame.)
posted by Sys Rq at 8:59 AM on April 13, 2012
(Yes, Part V is that lame.)
posted by Sys Rq at 8:59 AM on April 13, 2012
That is too how you spell your name.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:59 AM on April 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Sys Rq at 8:59 AM on April 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Now, this is a worthwhile infographic. Thanks. I must have missed the movie with the flaming machete. Apparently he killed a bunch of ravers and a beer keg with it.
One of my favorite deaths is in Jason X, where he somehow freezes his victim in a space station then cracks him/her into frozen human chunks. It was a little more sophisticated than a typical Jason murder. By the way, that was a pretty crappy movie and I wouldn't recommend you watch it.
posted by jabberjaw at 9:07 AM on April 13, 2012
One of my favorite deaths is in Jason X, where he somehow freezes his victim in a space station then cracks him/her into frozen human chunks. It was a little more sophisticated than a typical Jason murder. By the way, that was a pretty crappy movie and I wouldn't recommend you watch it.
posted by jabberjaw at 9:07 AM on April 13, 2012
Hmm, I don't know if it's really accurate to include "virtual reality alien" and "virtual reality teen girls" in a body count. That's not even to comment on the decision to include a virtual reality alien and virtual reality teen girls in your movie.
posted by Hoopo at 9:10 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by Hoopo at 9:10 AM on April 13, 2012
I don't think the virtual reality alien and teen girls would be chargeable--except potentially in hypothetical future VR obscenity laws--but if Jason was the type to care about his own tally, I'm sure he'd count them too.
posted by Drastic at 9:20 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by Drastic at 9:20 AM on April 13, 2012
Sys Rq: "Where the titles are is where each movie starts."
above or below? I found the labels befuddling
posted by idiopath at 9:22 AM on April 13, 2012
above or below? I found the labels befuddling
posted by idiopath at 9:22 AM on April 13, 2012
Bulgaoktones: I was confused, too, until I noticed the labels. Where the titles are is where each movie starts.
Ah, there we go. Deborah is apparently the name of the girl who gets split in half while having sex in a tent who made such a positive impression on me when viewing the unrated version of Jason Goes to Hell as a boy.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:22 AM on April 13, 2012
Ah, there we go. Deborah is apparently the name of the girl who gets split in half while having sex in a tent who made such a positive impression on me when viewing the unrated version of Jason Goes to Hell as a boy.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:22 AM on April 13, 2012
Or...count bodies at Port Dover, Ontario's traditional Friday the 13th biker convergence, via live webcam.
posted by davebush at 9:23 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by davebush at 9:23 AM on April 13, 2012
I think the conceit of killing VR people was that Jason would be content just being hooked up to a VR machine killing as many virtual people as he liked, but I don't think it worked out for him.
Also, I'm glad they didn't make the rookie mistake of counting all of the killings in the original Friday the 13th.
posted by jabberjaw at 9:25 AM on April 13, 2012 [6 favorites]
Also, I'm glad they didn't make the rookie mistake of counting all of the killings in the original Friday the 13th.
posted by jabberjaw at 9:25 AM on April 13, 2012 [6 favorites]
jabberjaw, that's my wife's favorite, too. I haven't seen it (perhaps this weekend will be full of Jason, to right this wrong), but she says that the female victim is freeze-dried and shattered, like these mini marshmallows.
Personally, I'm fond of Jason's response to the high school boxer in Jason Takes Manhattan. It's not a spoiler, because you know (most) everyone is going to die.
More Jason graphics: Evolution of Jason Voorhees' masks, and the evolution of Jason.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:28 AM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Personally, I'm fond of Jason's response to the high school boxer in Jason Takes Manhattan. It's not a spoiler, because you know (most) everyone is going to die.
More Jason graphics: Evolution of Jason Voorhees' masks, and the evolution of Jason.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:28 AM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Fun fact: my wife and I were seriously thinking of naming our son Jason Voorhees. You know, after his grandpa Jason Voorhees, from the old country.
The great thing, in our eyes, was that few who would take offense at a horror movie inspired name would get the reference. Just think, we could have named him Freddy Krueger, or Ashley Williams.
Instead, he has a name that references no movies at all. Poor kid.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:33 AM on April 13, 2012
The great thing, in our eyes, was that few who would take offense at a horror movie inspired name would get the reference. Just think, we could have named him Freddy Krueger, or Ashley Williams.
Instead, he has a name that references no movies at all. Poor kid.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:33 AM on April 13, 2012
Ashley Williams
*po-faced* Why would you name your kid after a space racist?
posted by kmz at 9:37 AM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
*po-faced* Why would you name your kid after a space racist?
posted by kmz at 9:37 AM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
I remember walking in to a room and that scene with Jason killing the holographic campers in the sleeping bag was on and I stopped and slowly backed away, very confused.
posted by Theta States at 9:38 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by Theta States at 9:38 AM on April 13, 2012
Why are some of the females sarcophagus-shaped?
posted by Rock Steady at 9:39 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by Rock Steady at 9:39 AM on April 13, 2012
Why are some of the females sarcophagus-shaped?
Convenience!
posted by Theta States at 9:41 AM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
Convenience!
posted by Theta States at 9:41 AM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
Also, I'm glad they didn't make the rookie mistake of counting all of the killings in the original Friday the 13th.
Shouldn't they have counted the Ripley from that one, though? Doesn't Jason himself jump out of the water and get her?
Why are some of the females sarcophagus-shaped?
Those are the ones that Jason picks up, still in their sleeping bags, and whacks against a tree or other useful surface until the squeaking stops.
The VR version in Jason X is like the best thing ever. He's just bashing them and bashing them and they keep squeaking because they're just virtual, and eventually he throws them down in disgust and marches off looking for someone real to kill. Kane Hodder doesn't get enough credit.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:01 AM on April 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Shouldn't they have counted the Ripley from that one, though? Doesn't Jason himself jump out of the water and get her?
Why are some of the females sarcophagus-shaped?
Those are the ones that Jason picks up, still in their sleeping bags, and whacks against a tree or other useful surface until the squeaking stops.
The VR version in Jason X is like the best thing ever. He's just bashing them and bashing them and they keep squeaking because they're just virtual, and eventually he throws them down in disgust and marches off looking for someone real to kill. Kane Hodder doesn't get enough credit.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:01 AM on April 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Where's Freddy vs. Jason?
posted by shakespeherian at 10:03 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by shakespeherian at 10:03 AM on April 13, 2012
Oh never mind. Why is it before Jason X? Didn't they come out in the other order?
posted by shakespeherian at 10:04 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by shakespeherian at 10:04 AM on April 13, 2012
ROU_Xenophobe: "The VR version in Jason X is like the best thing ever. He's just bashing them and bashing them and they keep squeaking because they're just virtual, and eventually he throws them down in disgust and marches off looking for someone real to kill. Kane Hodder doesn't get enough credit."
Best part of the movie. Not that it was a high bar to clear, but still!
I like to imagine that a topically updated version would have also had nagging pop-ups reminding Jason that for a nominal in-app purchase he could cut squeaking times in half (just 99 cents!) or even upgrade to the Insta Squeaker Stop for just $3.99, and also please go rate Squeaky Teen Sleeping Bag Bash 5 stars in the app store so they can continue bringing him great content. Then Jason would flail around trying to machete-chop the VR pop-up banners.
posted by Drastic at 10:13 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best part of the movie. Not that it was a high bar to clear, but still!
I like to imagine that a topically updated version would have also had nagging pop-ups reminding Jason that for a nominal in-app purchase he could cut squeaking times in half (just 99 cents!) or even upgrade to the Insta Squeaker Stop for just $3.99, and also please go rate Squeaky Teen Sleeping Bag Bash 5 stars in the app store so they can continue bringing him great content. Then Jason would flail around trying to machete-chop the VR pop-up banners.
posted by Drastic at 10:13 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best part of the movie. Not that it was a high bar to clear, but still!
Jason X is the best Jason movie. I mean, at its core it's still about chopping up teenagers, but within the realm of chopping-up-teenagers movies, it's really good-spirited and fun and pokes fun at itself and the larger genre (It's all right! He just wanted his machete back!) but still delivers the goods.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:16 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Jason X is the best Jason movie. I mean, at its core it's still about chopping up teenagers, but within the realm of chopping-up-teenagers movies, it's really good-spirited and fun and pokes fun at itself and the larger genre (It's all right! He just wanted his machete back!) but still delivers the goods.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:16 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Why is it before Jason X? Didn't they come out in the other order?
posted by shakespeherian
I assume the chart is in chronological order.
I'm wondering about the gendering of the inanimate objects. Why are the car, boat, "ghetto blaster", Solaris space station, and Grendel spaceship are colored blue like the males, but the beer keg is colored pink like the females? Seems like they should be green like the VR alien.
posted by Boxenmacher at 10:18 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by shakespeherian
I assume the chart is in chronological order.
I'm wondering about the gendering of the inanimate objects. Why are the car, boat, "ghetto blaster", Solaris space station, and Grendel spaceship are colored blue like the males, but the beer keg is colored pink like the females? Seems like they should be green like the VR alien.
posted by Boxenmacher at 10:18 AM on April 13, 2012
Shouldn't they have counted the Ripley from that one, though? Doesn't Jason himself jump out of the water and get her?
I think that was all a dream.
Just a dream.
posted by jabberjaw at 10:58 AM on April 13, 2012
I think that was all a dream.
Just a dream.
posted by jabberjaw at 10:58 AM on April 13, 2012
So this is depressing. I just realized that i've seen every film in the series. The most gruesome death was the girl in the sleeping bag who gets smashed into a tree. No gore, just the awful sound of her bones breaking.
posted by cazoo at 11:00 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by cazoo at 11:00 AM on April 13, 2012
...chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha...
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:05 AM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:05 AM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's been almost 25 years since Jason Takes Manhattan was released, and I'm still kvetching over the cognitive dissonance of Jason Voorhees, who is apparently exacting his vengeance for his drowning death at camp when he was 8, SWIMMING ACROSS THE GODDAMN HUDSON RIVER to continue his killing spree.
Other people have suggested I might want to suspend my disbelief, get a hobby, or maybe even watch other movies. Pwuh. Pikers.
posted by bakerina at 11:33 AM on April 13, 2012
Other people have suggested I might want to suspend my disbelief, get a hobby, or maybe even watch other movies. Pwuh. Pikers.
posted by bakerina at 11:33 AM on April 13, 2012
Thanks, National Post, for saving me 18 hours and 26 minutes that I might have otherwise spent watching these.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:02 PM on April 13, 2012
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:02 PM on April 13, 2012
Agreed jabberjaw, the first movie is definitely the best - it even had Kevin Bacon!
posted by PrincessNocturna at 12:04 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by PrincessNocturna at 12:04 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Jason X is definitely the best [Insert franchise character name] In Space! film
I've watched Jason Takes Manhattan several times now... a) because it's so tame they can show it on domestic TV here and for a while it seemed to turn up quite regularly b) I've been drunk c) I've been thinking 'It can't possibly be as bad as I remember it'
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:37 PM on April 13, 2012
I've watched Jason Takes Manhattan several times now... a) because it's so tame they can show it on domestic TV here and for a while it seemed to turn up quite regularly b) I've been drunk c) I've been thinking 'It can't possibly be as bad as I remember it'
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:37 PM on April 13, 2012
the first movie is definitely the best
Nonsense. Uber Nanotech Jason > Regular Killy Jason > Soggy Jason Who Can't Be Bothered To Do His Own Killing Because He Is A Lame-O Momma's Boy.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:39 PM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Nonsense. Uber Nanotech Jason > Regular Killy Jason > Soggy Jason Who Can't Be Bothered To Do His Own Killing Because He Is A Lame-O Momma's Boy.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:39 PM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Part 4 is worth it just for Crispin Glover's dancing.
"Dead fuck!"
I reviewed all of them; the remake was traumatising.
posted by Dark Messiah at 12:40 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
"Dead fuck!"
I reviewed all of them; the remake was traumatising.
posted by Dark Messiah at 12:40 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
VR teen girl #1: Hey, do you want a beer?
VR teen girl #2: Or do you wanna smoke some pot?
VR teen girl #1: Or we can have premarital sex?
[both remove their tops]
VR teen girl #1, VR teen girl #2: We love premarital sex!
posted by brundlefly at 12:49 PM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
VR teen girl #2: Or do you wanna smoke some pot?
VR teen girl #1: Or we can have premarital sex?
[both remove their tops]
VR teen girl #1, VR teen girl #2: We love premarital sex!
posted by brundlefly at 12:49 PM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
The 10th Regiment of Foot: ...chi-chi-chi-ha-ha-ha...
I'm pretty sure I saw this on some Jason documentary (of which the internet tells me there is only one: His Name was Jason: 30 Years of Friday the 13th), but the sound is actually fragments of "Jason" and "Mother." So it's ...ja-ja-ja-ma-ma-ma...
posted by filthy light thief at 12:58 PM on April 13, 2012
I'm pretty sure I saw this on some Jason documentary (of which the internet tells me there is only one: His Name was Jason: 30 Years of Friday the 13th), but the sound is actually fragments of "Jason" and "Mother." So it's ...ja-ja-ja-ma-ma-ma...
posted by filthy light thief at 12:58 PM on April 13, 2012
Ok, I don't watch horror movies, but I love infographics so can someone explain to me 1) Why the list starts with II? Was it not Jason killing people in the first movie? and 2) Isn't the movie set in the modern day? Why are their spaceships listed on it?
posted by Canageek at 1:55 PM on April 13, 2012
posted by Canageek at 1:55 PM on April 13, 2012
The killer in the first movie is Jason's mother, who went all stabby after her son drowned in the lake. After she's killed at the very end of the movie, there's a teaser bit where Jason rises from the lake, seeking revenge.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:57 PM on April 13, 2012
posted by shakespeherian at 1:57 PM on April 13, 2012
2) Why are their spaceships listed on it?
Jason X was set in the future and took place on a spaceship.
I don't watch horror movies, but I love infographics
My wife is the same, and I consider her a good, well-rounded person. It's a good thing the two are two generally completely different things, else she'd be in quite a dilemma. I think that infographics are particularly well-suited to horror movies though.
posted by jabberjaw at 2:01 PM on April 13, 2012
Jason X was set in the future and took place on a spaceship.
I don't watch horror movies, but I love infographics
My wife is the same, and I consider her a good, well-rounded person. It's a good thing the two are two generally completely different things, else she'd be in quite a dilemma. I think that infographics are particularly well-suited to horror movies though.
posted by jabberjaw at 2:01 PM on April 13, 2012
but the sound is actually fragments of "Jason" and "Mother."
Huh.
For years, people have been telling me that "Ch ch ch ah ah ah kill kill kill" was sampled from "kill children".
TMYK.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 2:55 PM on April 13, 2012
Huh.
For years, people have been telling me that "Ch ch ch ah ah ah kill kill kill" was sampled from "kill children".
TMYK.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 2:55 PM on April 13, 2012
1) Why the list starts with II? Was it not Jason killing people in the first movie?
Pray the Scream killer never learns your phone number.
posted by Dark Messiah at 2:56 PM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
Pray the Scream killer never learns your phone number.
posted by Dark Messiah at 2:56 PM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
This infographic needs more blood.
posted by IvoShandor at 6:10 PM on April 13, 2012
posted by IvoShandor at 6:10 PM on April 13, 2012
Seriously, would it kill them (heh) to put the picture out in a larger format? I can barely read anything but the titles.
posted by ymgve at 9:42 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by ymgve at 9:42 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Kane Hodder doesn't get enough credit.
I went to a local horror con where Kane Hodder was attending a Q&A panel. He was wearing big weightlifting gloves, and he kept ripping and resetting the velcro straps. Then he pulled out a Ziploc bag of hardboiled eggs and a ketchup package and proceeded to put ketchup on the eggs and eat them. I believe Tom Atkins was there too. THRILL ME
posted by Existential Dread at 9:31 AM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I went to a local horror con where Kane Hodder was attending a Q&A panel. He was wearing big weightlifting gloves, and he kept ripping and resetting the velcro straps. Then he pulled out a Ziploc bag of hardboiled eggs and a ketchup package and proceeded to put ketchup on the eggs and eat them. I believe Tom Atkins was there too. THRILL ME
posted by Existential Dread at 9:31 AM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Was it not Jason killing people in the first movie?
Spoiler alert - It also was not Jason in another movie. It was a copycat.
posted by BurnChao at 11:08 AM on April 14, 2012
Spoiler alert - It also was not Jason in another movie. It was a copycat.
posted by BurnChao at 11:08 AM on April 14, 2012
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