indecision + vulgarity + location-aware browsing = om nom nom nom

August 9, 2012 5:35 PM

Where the fuck should I go to eat?

previously:
Where the fuck should I go for drinks?
What the fuck should I make for dinner? (vegetarian option on the site)

posted by flex (110 comments total)

Why don't you fucking tell me why I should?

Why do you keep fucking giving suggestions for places that are closed this time of night?
posted by availablelight at 5:39 PM on August 9, 2012 [7 favorites]

At first I thought this should go in AskMeFi.
posted by HuronBob at 5:40 PM on August 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

Who the fuck delivers in my area?
posted by Mojojojo at 5:41 PM on August 9, 2012

It's like they have a fucking window into my fucking SOUL.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:42 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

But that fucking place serves horrible Americanized Chinese food.
posted by madcaptenor at 5:42 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

The clouds twirl in a breeze
While the moon and the sea both shimmer
Go to your room and get into bed
You're not having any fucking dinner.
posted by Smart Dalek at 5:43 PM on August 9, 2012 [8 favorites]

I'm at a family reunion in West Covina, CA, and am tired of having the microwave Trader Joe's meals that comprise my grandparents' entire goddamn diet, so I plugged in West Covina to this thing, and I've hit refresh like 30 times and still I haven't gotten a result that isn't a big chain.
posted by Jon_Evil at 5:46 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

So I should go to either a douchey fucking after-work financial district bar with shitty beer or a goddamn $150/head Michelin restaurant
posted by eugenen at 5:46 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Apparently my major metropolitan area doesn't exist.
posted by mediated self at 5:47 PM on August 9, 2012

Haha, I live near a million places to eat and it suggested Chick-fil-A!
posted by orme at 5:47 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

There's just one thing, Dude: Do you have to use so many cuss words?
posted by zombieflanders at 5:48 PM on August 9, 2012 [9 favorites]

Subway?!? Fuck you in your shit hole with a foot long you fucking fuck.

Sushi? Much better.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:48 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'd rather fucking stir-fry my own fucking testicles than eat at fucking Pizza Express, thanks.
posted by Decani at 5:48 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm not in fucking Ottawa so your location crap is for shit.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:49 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

This is perfect. I've been looking for a more profane way to find some good chow mein in my area.
posted by any major dude at 5:49 PM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

Jon_Evil, the issue here is likely to be West Covina, not the site. I had to go to West Covina once on business and I think I ate at Olive Garden because I couldn't find any independent restaurants.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:50 PM on August 9, 2012

But that fucking place serves horrible Americanized Chinese food.

I've been living in a place with great, great, great authentic Chinese (among other asian cuisines,) but I keep craving me the General Tso chicken of my midwestern youth.
posted by elwoodwiles at 5:50 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm supposed to spend $1.99 so it can tell me go to McDonald's? Web 3.0 sucks.
posted by Gary at 5:51 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

It's none of your fucking business what my location is.
posted by Egg Shen at 5:52 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

Oh so like Yelp but it swears at me, costs money, and doesn't work?

Neat.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:53 PM on August 9, 2012 [7 favorites]

It comes up with two places for me. It must only look within a half-mile or so.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:53 PM on August 9, 2012

So there's a Filipino chain place right in my neighborhood, and apparently it's quite good. Huh. The things you learn...
posted by infinitywaltz at 5:54 PM on August 9, 2012

Hrm. It knows where I live, and even knows 11 restaurants in this town.

ONLY 11.

I can name another 11 without having to think too hard.

And there's probably more than that.

Is this based merely on proximity, or on having submitted your restaurant to their list, or what exactly are these results I'm getting based on?
posted by hippybear at 5:54 PM on August 9, 2012

I live 4 blocks from a half-dozen really good locally owned restaurants. This website wants me to go to either Dominos or Goodfellaz pizza, both of which are ~3 miles away and ew.
posted by headnsouth at 5:56 PM on August 9, 2012

This is basically an extremely precise example of my internal monologue at all times, except occasionally I will do terrible accents.
posted by elizardbits at 5:57 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

It suggests I should go to the fucking Dunkin Donuts. I'm in metro-Boston, man. That would have occurred to me.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:57 PM on August 9, 2012 [13 favorites]

Also I am creeped out by how good their location services thingy is.
posted by elizardbits at 5:57 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

For Northeast Ohioans: it is so gratifying to click NO, THAT PLACE LOOKS LIKE SHIT when it suggests that creep Tony George's The Harry Buffalo.
posted by vkxmai at 5:58 PM on August 9, 2012

Haha... the local county public defender's office, shortened to county pub defender, is considered a bar by their algorithm.
posted by fragmede at 5:59 PM on August 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

It comes up with two places for me. It must only look within a half-mile or so.

I live in a town that is locally revered as a place to eat. It's otherwise pretty unremarkable, so when you say that you live there, people making small talk reply "oh,wow! Good restaurants!" The first two suggestions it gave me were a chain and a shithole that I'm convinced is a mob front.
posted by Mayor Curley at 5:59 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't like it. But also there aren't a lot of places in my area. Yes I really live in NYC.
posted by sweetkid at 6:00 PM on August 9, 2012

Local greasy chopstick Chinese food. Kentucky Fried Chicken. Domino's. Fuck no.
posted by Splunge at 6:00 PM on August 9, 2012

Papa John's tonight!
posted by laconic skeuomorph at 6:01 PM on August 9, 2012

Where the fuck should I go to eat?

Fuck that shit! PABST BLUE RIBBON!
posted by mazola at 6:01 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Why don't you fucking go to BART Station?

Um, what?
posted by trip and a half at 6:04 PM on August 9, 2012 [12 favorites]

It thinks I'm in fucking Forest Park.

What I fucking need is it to tell me where I can fucking eat something that doesn't raise my fucking blood sugar. Dammit.
posted by Foosnark at 6:05 PM on August 9, 2012

Why don't you fucking go to Luby's? -- does this question even require an answer?
posted by immlass at 6:05 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

I don't see the link for "THAT PLACE FUCKING CLOSED SIX FUCKING MONTHS AGO."
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 6:05 PM on August 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

There's a food truck - Guatemalan, I think? - that's usually parked outside 16th Street BART.
posted by madcaptenor at 6:06 PM on August 9, 2012

Wherever all of you and your foul mouths are going to go eat, please don't let it be where I'm going to go eat.
posted by notyou at 6:08 PM on August 9, 2012

This made me happy for thirty seconds, until I remembered that I still live in the fucking suburbs in the fucking midwest, and every place I could go eat... looks like shit. And is.
posted by crackingdes at 6:08 PM on August 9, 2012

GO TO FUCKING FLOUR+WATER? FUCK YOU! LAST TIME I WAS THERE THEY WOULDN"T EVEN GIVE STEVE JOBS A TABLE! NO, I AM NOT MAKING THAT UP.

We ended up going to the Atlas Cafe. I dunno where Jobs went.
posted by rtha at 6:08 PM on August 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

I don't see the link for "THAT PLACE FUCKING CLOSED SIX FUCKING MONTHS AGO."

Yes, also I SAW A FUCKING MOUSE IN THERE
posted by sweetkid at 6:09 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I am within walking distance of two primo sushi bars and a barbeque place that makes a smoked prime rib that is the single best steak I have ever eaten. It's first recommendation to me is Subway?

This website doesn't solve a problem that anybody has.
posted by jbickers at 6:11 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yes, also I SAW A FUCKING MOUSE IN THERE

Speaking of - and since I see some SF mefites here - Tu Lan's permit has been revoked.
posted by rtha at 6:13 PM on August 9, 2012

There's a food truck - Guatemalan, I think? - that's usually parked outside 16th Street BART.
That's true, but it told me to go to Embarcadero BART (I'm still at my office downtown). I guess there's usually a hot dog stand there, but I think it's closed by now.
posted by trip and a half at 6:13 PM on August 9, 2012

This would be awesome if it knew of more than six places near me, of which four are crappy fast-food chains, one is a really crappy local Chinese place, and one is an amazing locally owned place that unfortunately is expensive, has weird hours, and doesn't have a predictable menu. Seriously, I wish this worked. I live in an area with dozens of local restaurants with authentic cuisine of all kinds crammed into just a few square miles, and yet I end up eating the same things all the time—I wish for a website like this at least once a week. But this one just isn't there yet.
posted by limeonaire at 6:14 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Needs "TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE! I DON'T HAVE 65 FUCKING DOLLARS FOR FUCKING HERITAGE LAMB CHOPS"
posted by Ad hominem at 6:15 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Speaking of - and since I see some SF mefites here - Tu Lan's permit has been revoked.

I don't think anyone who's eaten there could possibly be surprised.
posted by trip and a half at 6:15 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

IHOP is not the answer to that question.
posted by sciencegeek at 6:16 PM on August 9, 2012

Also "WHAT THE FUCK IS A FREE RANGE BRICK CHICKEN! THAT IS TOTALLY A RAT ISN'T IT! I GUESS FOR 23 BUCKS I'LL TAKE IT"
posted by Ad hominem at 6:17 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I wish there was a feedback thingie so I could tell it THAT FUCKING PLACE IS CALLED "THE PENNY BLACK" NOW.
posted by gingerest at 6:17 PM on August 9, 2012

Also I am creeped out by how good their location services thingy is.

It's the standard Google WiFi location tracker. You can get the same effect by using Google maps and picking a random restaurant around your area.
posted by zabuni at 6:17 PM on August 9, 2012

It doesn't even find the Bojangle's...
posted by sonic meat machine at 6:18 PM on August 9, 2012

It's not yet recommended fast food for me. One fusion-Indian place, one sushi place, one popular "contemporary American cuisine" restaurant, one expense-account-worthy seafood/steak place, one Thai place, and one Middle Eastern restaurant that has the best shawarmas in town.
posted by Houstonian at 6:18 PM on August 9, 2012

You should go to the grocery store. And then home.
posted by DU at 6:19 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

You should go to the grocery store. And then home

No no, fucking grocery store and fucking home...
posted by sweetkid at 6:36 PM on August 9, 2012

"can't find shit there. try somewhere else"

Story of my life.
posted by Space Kitty at 6:37 PM on August 9, 2012

well duh, you're a kitty from SPACE.
posted by sweetkid at 6:42 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

I put in VIRGINIA FUCKING BEACH, but I had to change it to Virginia Beach before it found a restaurant. Fail. (Their standards, not mine.)
posted by Benny Andajetz at 6:44 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

It told me to go to the King's Head Pub. I can't really argue with that.
posted by RobotHero at 6:44 PM on August 9, 2012

I typed in Chelmsford, MA and I only get two places, which share a parking lot.
posted by dunkadunc at 6:53 PM on August 9, 2012

It's funny because fuck.
posted by LogicalDash at 6:53 PM on August 9, 2012

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO MOXIE'S CLASSIC GRILL?"

Dozens of good bars around here, and they pick the big lame chain restaurant.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 6:53 PM on August 9, 2012

So this handles Unicode just fine but it tells me to go to the corporate office of a fucking snack company.
posted by 23 at 6:59 PM on August 9, 2012

Oh man, they're using profanity. These guys sure are hip and edgy. It almost looks like it was designed by some old guy who said "we need to make this appeal to the kids, throw some swear words in there".
posted by MattMangels at 7:00 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Carl's Jr.
California Pizza Kitchen
McDonald's
Subway

This site is AWESOME! Can't wait to try these places.
posted by ShutterBun at 7:02 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

For what it's worth, I entered the name of the nearest big city and got a bunch of mediocre/overpriced/chain places, but the name of my sleepy bedroom community gives me twenty places it cycles through. I have eaten at about half of them; all are locally owned, none is a chain, and at least two or three of them are fantastic. It clearly needs some work, but my luck has been better than that of most here.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:02 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Wait you want me to eat at the fucking Barbour shop? Is there a posh bar in the back, hidden under all the wellie socks? Do I use my Hunters to stomp on the souls of the poor and drink them from this waxed all-weather jacket? I could just stay home and put on my fucking fake British accent and mainline gin out of the bottle, fucking website, you don't know my life!

[click].

Hunan? AWESOME. Wait but there's no gin...
posted by jetlagaddict at 7:11 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yeah, that was my experience too, ricochet bisquit.
posted by hippybear at 7:12 PM on August 9, 2012

It's funny because fuck.

Oh man, they're using profanity. These guys sure are hip and edgy. It almost looks like it was designed by some old guy who said "we need to make this appeal to the kids, throw some swear words in there".

It's probably the same guy who writes all of Debra Morgan's dialogue on Dexter: "And now to sprinkle some random 'fucks' into every single line, to the point that it can't not sound phoney and forced...and...genius!"
posted by Sys Rq at 7:14 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Wherever you decide to go, let me know so I can avoid that place.
posted by Postroad at 7:20 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Bart: What the hell is this?
Lisa: It's one of those profanity-laced Web 3.0 sites designed to appeal to Millennials.
Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out *their* ranks a little.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:26 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

It's probably the same guy who writes all of Debra Morgan's dialogue on Dexter: "And now to sprinkle some random 'fucks' into every single line, to the point that it can't not sound phoney and forced...and...genius!"

I thought she talked that way because SHOWTIME
posted by sweetkid at 7:29 PM on August 9, 2012

Alogrithm, I'm glad you fucking acknowledge the existence of Books Through Bars, but I think you've got the wrong meaning of "bar" there.
posted by ActionPopulated at 7:32 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

SHARE MY FUCKING LOCATION WITH FUCK YOU
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 7:42 PM on August 9, 2012

There are 30 fucking bars within a miles of my address and this shitty site rotates between only three of the fucking bars, all of which are next to each other and fucking suck.
posted by nestor_makhno at 7:44 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Fazoli's
Taco Bell
Burger King
Golden Corral.

Guys, I AM READY FOR THE GOURMET DELIGHTS TO GET IN MY BELLY.

Oh also, there was a (non-food) distribution place listed.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 7:58 PM on August 9, 2012

Oh so like Yelp but it swears at me, costs money, and doesn't work?
hope this is not a trend:

imdb whowasinthatfuckingmovie.vom
amazon whatuckingbookshouldIread.com
beliefnet.com teachmemoreaboutfuckingspiritualityandshit.com
webmd.com jesusfuckinchristwhatthehelliswrongwithme.com
kiva.com letmelendyousomefuckingmoneytohelpyouandyourfuckinglocaleconomy.com
munciechamberofcommerce.com howcanIfindoutmoreaboutdoingfuckingbusinessingoddamncocksuckingmuncie.gov
theweathernetwork.com heyassholeisgoingtofuckingrainorwhat.com
posted by ManInSuit at 8:07 PM on August 9, 2012 [9 favorites]

Alas, first suggestion was my favorite bar that doesn't serve food.
posted by girlmightlive at 8:08 PM on August 9, 2012

"Why don't you fucking go to Chai Thai Noodle?"

Because the last time I did, there was a fucking nasty hair in my food, plus I got a goddamn headache from the aural conflict between the TV in the dining room and the radio in the kitchen.

Nah.
posted by Lexica at 8:18 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

But I fucking ate there last night.
posted by arcticseal at 8:19 PM on August 9, 2012

first place it recommended is one of my favorite.

gucking food dosas

downtown places were too pricy though. needs a cheapskate setting.
posted by jb at 8:26 PM on August 9, 2012

All I get is "WAIT THE FUCK UP". Am I doing something wrong, or is it broken?
posted by Curious Artificer at 8:38 PM on August 9, 2012

WHAT FUCKING SUBWAY WILL YOU RECOMMEND NEXT
posted by benzenedream at 8:44 PM on August 9, 2012

Not bad. Avoided both the Starbucks and the Subway in the neighborhood, and named some decent restaurants, like this nice tapas place.

Much better than the drinks version, which actually recommended--I kid you not--the local bar association.
posted by Cash4Lead at 8:47 PM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

SUBWAY?! Is that the first suggestion you have for me? Seriously, Subway is utter shit.
posted by PipRuss at 8:47 PM on August 9, 2012

The first suggestion for both this and the "Where the fuck should I go for drinks?" site are the same place. Apparently, the choices for both restaurants and pubs are pretty limited. (The second suggestion for restaurants is a place that's been closed since before I lived here.)\

That said, I've been meaning to check out my local dive bar for a while. Since this fucking site told me to fucking go there, maybe I fucking should.
posted by asnider at 9:00 PM on August 9, 2012

When the dinner one came out, I made a polite version that pulled recipes marked as "entrees" from Epicurious. If anyone can suggest a decent API for finding Actual Restaurants, I wouldn't mind throwing together one for bars and restaurants.
posted by 23 at 9:09 PM on August 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

Actually, this was surprisingly great--I live in a small town with plenty of crap chains, but this thing gave me all the good local restaurants. Subway was like the 20th suggestion, then it cycled back through all the good ones again. I approve.
posted by HotToddy at 9:32 PM on August 9, 2012

It gave me all the decent food places nearby, and all the shittiest of douchebag divebars. I think I'm surrounded by douchebag divebars.
posted by dabitch at 9:48 PM on August 9, 2012

Dominos? I don't fucking think so.
posted by deborah at 9:48 PM on August 9, 2012

It didn't guess right about where I lived by huge geographical divides and it recommended a crapdive.
posted by porpoise at 10:08 PM on August 9, 2012

What the fuck should I choose for the next topic to plug into my fucking formula so I can get another fucking book deal and eventually be sold on the hipster bookshelf at Urban Fucking Outfitters?
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 10:22 PM on August 9, 2012

I like that it extends to little Christchurch...but not that every recommended restaurant has been flattened or demolished. I think they need a "That place isn't fucking there any more" button.
posted by tracicle at 10:31 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Free Range Brick Chicken is where they release a bunch of chickens into the restaurant and hand the customers bricks. If you land a chicken with it, they'll cook it for you.

_{Okay, I lied.}
posted by Malice at 11:55 PM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

It thinks I should go fucking drink at the Anchorage Bar Association... a bad idea on a number of levels.
posted by charmedimsure at 12:17 AM on August 10, 2012

OK, weird. I put in my street, and it finds a street with the same name in a different part of town. I put in the main road next to my street, and it comes up with a bunch of solid suggestions, but misses some good ones too. I put in the name of my area, which is kinda known for cheap good food at the moment, and it comes up with basically nothing. I use share location and it comes up with decent suggestions, but misses quite a few places.

Not terrible, but not perfect. But at least it's not giving me McDonalds or Subway.
posted by Infinite Jest at 12:18 AM on August 10, 2012

It recommended I go eat at a nearby preschool.

All right then.
posted by alexei at 1:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

Spanish Motor Inn.
No thanks, swearing recommendation-bot.
posted by robotot at 3:05 AM on August 10, 2012

Fascinating. Sent me to a nearby law office.

Perhaps it's giving me a fucking hint.
posted by kinnakeet at 5:41 AM on August 10, 2012

"Why don't you go to Gazlo.com Business Directory?" Uh....
posted by dhartung at 6:01 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh I get it. It's Siri with Tourette's.
posted by mondo dentro at 6:51 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

I get a total of three results in my crazily-good-restaurant-dense college town: a decentish place that's essentially a local version of Applebee's, the kind of place where students all take their parents for a safe and not-too-pricey grilled steak or seafood plate; a strip-mall Japanese place that, last I was there, seemed on its last legs (bad location and friendly but spacey service); and a bar-restaurant kind of on the lakefront that's been there at least since the 80s and, last time I was there, still had mediocre food and uneven service. Also, all the listings are on the same side of town, which is weird because even a 1-mi radius here should encompass much of our downtown.

Where the fuck are you getting your fucking lame listings, Mr Web Site Designer, and why the fuck do they suck so badly?

Carl's Jr.
California Pizza Kitchen
McDonald's
Subway
This site is AWESOME! Can't wait to try these places.

This reminds me of a time some years ago when I was on the phone with my mom and she was enthusing about a "nice new Mexican place" that she and my dad had discovered, and which she really liked a lot. Turns out it was a new Chili's that had just opened near them.
posted by aught at 7:35 AM on August 10, 2012

You should go to the grocery store. And then home.
posted by DU at 9:19 PM on August 9 [2 favorites +] [!]

Thanks, Mom.
posted by aught at 7:38 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

OK, weird. I put in my street, and it finds a street with the same name in a different part of town.

The location detection seems to be very high-level. When I let it find me, instead of just entering my address, it put me in the right city but assumed that I was standing smack dab in the middle of downtown (right in a major intersection!). When I entered my actual address, most of the suggestions it pulled still had me going downtown, even though there is a stretch of really good restaurants that you pretty much have to go past in order to get downtown from my house. Sure, I live pretty close to downtown, but I live even closer to another cluster of good eats.

I'm not sure exactly the criteria this app is using. Suggestion #1 was right near my house: probably the closest restaurant/pub to me. After that it started sending me much farther than it needed to in order to find decent restaurants. To its credit, I never once saw a national chain pop-up.
posted by asnider at 8:28 AM on August 10, 2012

Fucking Domino's Pizza? I don't think so. And why does it suggest chain restaurants that are at least 3 miles away when I have perfectly good non-chain restaurants within a mile or so (and chain, but meh)? My results from here are crap, but I guess at least I wouldn't starve if I had to rely on it.
posted by notashroom at 12:23 PM on August 10, 2012

There are all sorts of apps that tell you about places to eat, including Urbanspoon and Yelp's "nearby" feature. What's special about this?
posted by chickenmagazine at 1:08 PM on August 10, 2012

"WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING GO TO SHAKE SHACK?"

Okay, I LOVE this site. Not for its food recommendations but because any line it generates is potentially something you would yell at your longtime girlfriend/boyfriend just before you realized that your relationship was over.
posted by greenland at 1:33 PM on August 10, 2012 [5 favorites]

It told me there is nothing in Portland, OR.

Fuck this shit.
posted by Specklet at 8:00 PM on August 10, 2012