I: is all you can say is purple? p: yes.

November 29, 2012 10:18 AM

"I moderate jokes on a Kids Jokes website. A lot of joke submissions can't be published because they're offensive, not suitable for children or don't make any sense... so I publish them here instead: Bad Kid's Jokes "
posted by Potomac Avenue (210 comments total)

what did the women do in bed when she heard the alarm going off?

poo her pants

This is fucking golden.
posted by Think_Long at 10:21 AM on November 29, 2012 [17 favorites]

This is vaguely like reading YouTube comment threads.
posted by yoink at 10:22 AM on November 29, 2012 [36 favorites]

You

Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers

I am laughing really unreasonably hard.
posted by elizardbits at 10:23 AM on November 29, 2012 [43 favorites]

"Your mum is so stupid, she bought tickets to XBOX Live" is pretty good.
posted by figurant at 10:23 AM on November 29, 2012 [52 favorites]

YO MAMMA SO UGLY SHE MADE HELLO KITTY SAY GOOD BYE

I am getting all of my material from this site from now on.
posted by sparklemotion at 10:23 AM on November 29, 2012 [64 favorites]

Kid's humor is a category of its own. Here's what my nieces (now, 5 and 7) used to think was a hilarious knock-knock joke:

Niece 1: Knock knock

Niece 2: Who's there?

Niece 1: Wolf

Niece 2: Wolf who?

Niece 1: Wolf and cow went to a party. [Pause a beat.] FART!

I don't know whether to tell them they're doing it wrong or encourage them to write scripts for the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.
posted by jonp72 at 10:24 AM on November 29, 2012 [31 favorites]

Obama


Why Obama when he goes to the bathroom does he not close the door?
because he don’t want to hide anything from his people


#politics

Good job almost a joke good work proud of you.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:26 AM on November 29, 2012 [5 favorites]

Knock Knock

knock knock

my penas and butt



I've heard this told a few different ways, but this is the canonical version.
posted by Mister_A at 10:26 AM on November 29, 2012 [82 favorites]

What Do U


what do u call a dickhead

a dickhead


This seems like a deeply profound statement though.
posted by elizardbits at 10:26 AM on November 29, 2012 [19 favorites]

OMG the lollipop one is amazing. made me laugh out loud. It's wonderfully absurd!
posted by Mister_A at 10:27 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

Think_Long: "what did the women do in bed when she heard the alarm going off?

poo her pants

This is fucking golden."

Midas Poop, kid... You got it. You're going places.
posted by symbioid at 10:27 AM on November 29, 2012

THis is the one, actually headed as 'chicken':


Chicken


why did the chicken cross the road?


because he wanted to shag the lollipop lady
posted by Mister_A at 10:27 AM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

elizardbits: "You

Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers

I am laughing really unreasonably hard."

I think I saw that on a fetish site once.
posted by symbioid at 10:28 AM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

doctor doctor i fell over


get back up then cheese face

"cheese face" is an excellent way to end any joke.
posted by jeudi at 10:28 AM on November 29, 2012 [7 favorites]

Cheese

doctor doctor i fell over


get back up then cheese face


This is some serious theatre of the absurd shit. Ionescu is writhing with avarice in his grave.
posted by elizardbits at 10:28 AM on November 29, 2012 [14 favorites]

What goes on the motor way at 90 miles an hour?

a baked bean in a jug
posted by unSane at 10:30 AM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

John has 32 cookies he eats 28 of them what does he have


diabetes

That is actually a decent legit joke. Still not quite as good as 'my penas and butt', but a fairly solid entry.
posted by FatherDagon at 10:31 AM on November 29, 2012 [27 favorites]

@symbioid

yeah, when they're making these jokes, could they make sure to have their hands not in their pockets and preferably at chest level

and then they start rubbing and i regret saying that
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 10:31 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

I heard most of these at dinner with 5,6, and 7 year olds last night(well, pretty close)...plus the 7 year old holding burger in her mouth until it was liquid...comedy gold!(sic)
posted by cherryflute at 10:32 AM on November 29, 2012

a man found a raisin in the woods.
“what a funny looking raisin.”
“im not a raisin im just an ant with no legs.”

Burying the lede there kid its a goddamn talking ant!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:32 AM on November 29, 2012 [11 favorites]

Mister_A: “OMG the lollipop one is amazing. made me laugh out loud. It's wonderfully absurd!”

That one tipped me off that these seem to come from the UK. I'm not sure if it's funnier now that I remember what a lollipop lady is.
posted by koeselitz at 10:32 AM on November 29, 2012 [18 favorites]

This one had me laughing hysterically:

mum; we can eat camels you know honey
dad ; SHUT UP AND GET YOUR TURKEY SCIENCE BOOKS

Also when I read these I hear the voice of a 5-year-old in my head
posted by antonymous at 10:32 AM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

Dear mods I know this goes against policy but I want my handle changed from mcstayinskool to cheeseface kthxbye. Or poop.
posted by mcstayinskool at 10:32 AM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Neil Armstrong

is neil armstrong really strong?
probberly because his last name explaines it all to me
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:32 AM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm expecting half of these to end with "I hate you Milkman Dan".
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:35 AM on November 29, 2012 [51 favorites]

A duck walks into a bar. A man runs out because its unnatural to have a duck in a bar.

Probably for the best that no one has shown this kid The Wire

Ziggy! No! Bad Ziggy!
posted by sparklemotion at 10:35 AM on November 29, 2012 [10 favorites]

The Moose

Why did the moose go into the Coffee Shop?
To fornicate with your mother!
posted by Tesseractive at 10:35 AM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

I can't tell if the way I'm laughing at these means that I should have children or that I should never have children.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:35 AM on November 29, 2012 [14 favorites]

Ahh lollipop lady! That isn't what I thought, it's still pretty damn funny though!
posted by Mister_A at 10:36 AM on November 29, 2012

Naked On The Street

why was the man naked on the street?

Because the naked man thought that the street was his bathroom.


Seriously this is basically the plot of Notre Dame des Fleurs.
posted by elizardbits at 10:36 AM on November 29, 2012 [7 favorites]

Old Man

why is it when a old man with one kid people thinks ”stranger”, but when its a old man with 20 kids people think ”school trip” . im on to you old people
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:36 AM on November 29, 2012 [42 favorites]

What’s Your Name?

this boy went to school, his teacher asked him “whats your name?” the boy said “i don’t know”. so that day he went to his mother and said “whats my name?” so she said cant you see that im tidying up!!!

And that boy's name was EINSTEIN
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:37 AM on November 29, 2012 [13 favorites]

"SHE needs to go in the bin 474844747474747474474747474 times"

Did anybody else think really big numbers somehow made something that much funnier? I remember writing stories in 7th grade and for some reason just always used tons of numbers to amplify whatever it was. I guess I thought it was some form of absurdity? I'm not really sure why I thought it was necessary. But anybody else do similar things? I wonder what the explanation is.
posted by symbioid at 10:38 AM on November 29, 2012 [7 favorites]

Okay, I dug into the #parents tag hoping to get some good bad 'your mama' jokes and instead I was met with nightmare fuel of the Joan Crawford variety.


What’s Your Name?

this boy went to school, his teacher asked him “whats your name?” the boy said “i don’t know”. so that day he went to his mother and said “whats my name?” so she said cant you see that im tidying up!!!

Good Parenting

Dad what is the square root of 144?

WHO CARES!!?? YOU’RE GROUNDED

Zigzags

Mummy, mummy, why is dad running in zigzags?
Shut up and keep shooting!

posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:38 AM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

OMG my 3 year old daughter and I laugh our ass off to these jokes every night at dinner... w/ my wife playing the role of frowning straightman. hahaha POOP
posted by jcruelty at 10:38 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

Before about 3rd or 4th grade, my crowd pretty much only told dirty jokes, usually involving fucking, family members, animals, poop and such. They generally made sense, and were certainly offensive. Truthfully, however, they really were only suitable for children, ceasing to be funny well before puberty.
posted by 2N2222 at 10:39 AM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Worms
docter docter i have worms in my garden
i dont care cant you see im busy
you are doing youre nails.

This is deep, like a perfume commercial.
posted by bongo_x at 10:39 AM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

Because I Like Pancakes

there was an irish man an english man and a scottish man they went to the pub and the english man said “my daughter called easter because she was born on easter and the scottish man said “my son called valentine beacause he was born on valentines day and the irish man said ” well my two twins are called pancake because i like pancakes then the inglish man and the scottish man beat the irish man up

This is a very moving piece of social commentary.
posted by elizardbits at 10:40 AM on November 29, 2012 [83 favorites]

The Aristo..crats?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:41 AM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

what is pink and hangs up your pijamas

your mother

While I'd prefer "your parents" as the punchline, this is pretty great.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:42 AM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

Because I Like Pancakes

That's the one that made me spit my coffee.
posted by Kabanos at 10:42 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

what is a thunder cats favrite food?

chips and poo and toilets

Thudner cats r pretty cool we could b friends
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:42 AM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

New Law of the Land all jokes told by everyone must end with the teller going "HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHA!"
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:44 AM on November 29, 2012 [7 favorites]

Bill: “Look out your window, it is so sunny, go out to play”
Bob: “NO, look out, your window!”
Bill: “Why?”
Bob: “Look out, it’s about to hit you in the retina!”
*sound of breaking retina*

What does a breaking retina sound like? Is this a koan?
posted by dortmunder at 10:44 AM on November 29, 2012 [15 favorites]

What has 2 legs, 2 arms and is still refusing to make me a sandwich?

My Wife

Damnit dad, get off the computer!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:45 AM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

Seriously this entire site is making me feel simultaneously more stupid and yet somehow more enlightened.


it's like tathāgatagarbha via poop jokes
posted by elizardbits at 10:47 AM on November 29, 2012 [7 favorites]

Between this and the Real Letters link from the Powerball thread, I have been laughing immoderately for much of the day.
posted by catlet at 10:48 AM on November 29, 2012

http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/tagged/naked

Basically Infinite Jest
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:48 AM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

YO MAMA SO STUPID SHE WAS YELLING INSIDE OF A ENVELOPE AND SHE SAID SHE WAS SENDING A VOICEMAIL !!!!!! HAHAHAHA

I'm pretty sure like half of these are from Chris Onstad, piss drunk at 3 A.M.
posted by griphus at 10:49 AM on November 29, 2012 [19 favorites]

This one is almost a joke. It's not really funny, but the structure is there.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 10:49 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

yo mama so stupid that she is literally made of poop
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 10:51 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"your mums so fat when people drive round her they lose petrol"

well, ok, but.. did you mean 'more' petrol? is this one of those times where if you have to explain the joke it isn't funny?

"What has 2 legs, 2 arms and is still refusing to make me a sandwich?

My Wife"

i anxiously await the next line telling me where you'll be located all week
posted by ninjew at 10:51 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

what do you call poop?

yo mama
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 10:51 AM on November 29, 2012

WHO LIKES BEING GAY AND SNOGIN THE GIRLS

MY RIDICULOS UNCLE EDWARD

This one just automatically reads in a Mid-Atlantic English accent.
posted by griphus at 10:52 AM on November 29, 2012 [10 favorites]

what happens when you eat 100 tacos and 500 foooodz?

poop
----
Indeed, elizardbits, sometimes the most profound thing is the most obvious.
posted by symbioid at 10:52 AM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

what did the toliet say to the robot ?

I DONT KNOW I WASNT THERE WAS I !!!

-----

i'm pretty sure a wizard cast level 10 'create hilarity' and all these jokes popped out
posted by FatherDagon at 10:52 AM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

knock knock
whos there
immigrents
go away !

Looks like the BNP's got a bright future!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:52 AM on November 29, 2012 [11 favorites]

what do you get when pee and poop have a babey

a gros babey
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 10:53 AM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

Record

a man thought he had the record for the smallest penis but came out of the record place saying “who the hell is Justin Beiber.”


Pure surrealist humor. Brilliant.
posted by Splunge at 10:54 AM on November 29, 2012 [9 favorites]

with no parents
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 10:54 AM on November 29, 2012

why is the mash potato not cool?

Beause it isnt wearing sun glasses.
posted by griphus at 10:55 AM on November 29, 2012

WHO LIKES BEING GAY AND SNOGIN THE GIRLS

MY RIDICULOS UNCLE EDWARD

I swear I heard this the other day as a Twilight joke.
posted by catlet at 10:55 AM on November 29, 2012

Camels

mum; we can eat camels you know honey
dad ; SHUT UP AND GET YOUR TURKEY SCIENCE BOOKS

I honestly feel like I am not sophisticated enough to get this one.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:56 AM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

"the record place"

see also: "the jerk store called," &c.
posted by elizardbits at 10:56 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

There was a man with a ham sandwich sitting on a bench in a park. Next to him was a woman with a dog, and the man said “can I throw him a bit?”
The woman said “yes, OK”, so the man picked the dog up and threw him in the pond.

I'm not sure what was wrong with this one.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:57 AM on November 29, 2012 [37 favorites]

My penas and butt who?
posted by Flunkie at 10:58 AM on November 29, 2012 [12 favorites]

who am i ???
i can make brown stuff.
i put my face on the toylet.
i might be disgusting.
so who am i…
i am your butt

So true.
posted by goethean at 10:58 AM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

There was a man with a ham sandwich sitting on a bench in a park. Next to him was a woman with a dog, and the man said “can I throw him a bit?”
The woman said “yes, OK”, so the man picked the dog up and threw him in the pond.

I'm not sure what was wrong with this one.

The dog couldn't swim.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:59 AM on November 29, 2012 [8 favorites]

i dont know flunkie

who
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 11:00 AM on November 29, 2012

I'm not sure what was wrong with this one.

A clear violation of "Chekhov's sandwich."
posted by griphus at 11:00 AM on November 29, 2012 [11 favorites]

roses are red

violets are red

tulips are red

bushes are red

trees are red

oh god my gardens on fire


Someone has a burgeoning career as my new favorite poet.
posted by Spatch at 11:01 AM on November 29, 2012 [162 favorites]

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

where’s my tractor?

That is hilarious!
posted by Mister_A at 11:01 AM on November 29, 2012 [11 favorites]

Flunkie: My penas and butt who?

Extrapolating from the other jokes in the database, Nate Silver is 93% confident that the punchline is "your poop"
posted by Rock Steady at 11:01 AM on November 29, 2012 [15 favorites]

Mommy, Mommy! What’s a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month

o_O
posted by jbickers at 11:01 AM on November 29, 2012 [12 favorites]

I had tears in my eyes reading these. If you've had kids or been around them long enough this is exactly the kind of jokes they tell. Because poop.
posted by tommasz at 11:02 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

@rock steady

let him answer
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 11:03 AM on November 29, 2012

Mummy, mummy, why is dad running in zigzags?
Shut up and keep shooting!

Ah, someone is trying to revive Mommy Mommy jokes I remember fondly from my youth. We thought they were hilarious, although my mom did not agree.

Mommy, Mommy, I'm tired of running in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Mommy, Mommy, what if I don't like England?
Shut up and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy, where's Daddy?
Shut up and drink your tomato juice before it clots!

Mommy, Mommy, Daddy's on fire!
Quick, get the marshmallows!
posted by pbrim at 11:03 AM on November 29, 2012 [10 favorites]

Kid fucked up the pajama joke. It has to be hangs out your pajamas. In fact the canonical version is "what's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your grandad's pajamas in the morning? your grandma". Which works best in a culture where people still hang laundry out on a line. I wonder if the person who entered this one got it wrong because they don't know about hanging out the washing.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 11:03 AM on November 29, 2012 [10 favorites]

Dinosaur Loving

WHAT DO YOU DO IF A DINASUAR LOVES YOU
YOU HIDE
posted by jeudi at 11:03 AM on November 29, 2012 [31 favorites]

Also I am quite glad to hear that yo' mama is alive and well.
posted by griphus at 11:03 AM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Demetrius: "Villain, what hast thou done?"
Aaron: "That which thou canst not undo."
Chiron: "Thou hast undone our mother."
Aaron: "Villain, I have done thy mother."
posted by griphus at 11:05 AM on November 29, 2012 [12 favorites]

For mooses to fornicate with!
posted by Mister_A at 11:05 AM on November 29, 2012

Villain, thou hast defecated upon mine fowl?
posted by elizardbits at 11:07 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

where’s my tractor?

That is hilarious!

Oh god that one was probably my favorite joke as a child. It loses quite a bit without the delivery, let me tell you.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:10 AM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

A few months ago my daughter learned a joke:

Where do cows go on dates?
To the mooooovies.

Solid joke. She told it all the time and got a good response. Then she started with the variants:

Where do sheep go on dates?
To the baaaaavies.
Where do frogs go on dates?
To the riiiibbbittties.
etc.

I explained gently that, while these jokes are laudable efforts, they suck and cannot reasonably even be classified as jokes.

A few weeks later, she tried a new one:

Where do ghosts go on dates?
To the booooovies.

My heart burst with pride for my daughter's talent and intelligence while she ate some old breakfast cereal she peeled off the floor.
posted by brain_drain at 11:11 AM on November 29, 2012 [119 favorites]

I don't know your daughter, but she might have been going for the "long con" laugh there. Keep your eye on that one.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:14 AM on November 29, 2012 [28 favorites]

you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers

Is it Friday night already?
posted by never used baby shoes at 11:16 AM on November 29, 2012 [21 favorites]

His daughter's name is Brick.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:16 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

this is the most real thing, the most correct thing. thank you, internet. it was worth it. it was all worth it.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:17 AM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

mum; we can eat camels you know honey
dad ; SHUT UP AND GET YOUR TURKEY SCIENCE BOOKS

And then go fix me a turkey pot pie?
posted by dlugoczaj at 11:17 AM on November 29, 2012

Why did Suzy’s ice cream fall?
She got hit by a bus.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Not suzy. she got hit by a bus.

Because continuity is important.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 11:18 AM on November 29, 2012 [42 favorites]

Just reading throught the comments had me chuckling on the inside, until I came to this:
roses are red

violets are red

tulips are red

bushes are red

trees are red

oh god my gardens on fire

Seriously laughing out loud now. Also, I'm pleasantly surprised to be learning new things from this thread: like what lollipop ladies are. Huh, enlightening and hilarious! It's the perfect post!
posted by Eicats at 11:18 AM on November 29, 2012 [7 favorites]

you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers

you are about to be eaten by a gruepoo
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:18 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you've had kids or been around them long enough this is exactly the kind of jokes they tell.

I have somehow endeared myself to my young cousins, and they revel in this sort of stuff. They find it especially funny when I admit that I don't understand the joke, as if they've pulled a fast one on me by telling me a joke that I didn't get.

They also enjoy making me close my eyes and then hitting me and running away.

Basically what I am say is children are sadists.
posted by backseatpilot at 11:20 AM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

I feel like I'm at a Neil Hamburger show.
posted by NoMich at 11:23 AM on November 29, 2012 [5 favorites]

Most of the kids I know are under two so they don't tell jokes yet.
posted by sweetkid at 11:24 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

BOY: I CANT WAIT TO OPEN THIS BOX
OTHER BOY: THATS A BRICK YOU STUPID
BOY: OH THATS WHY I CANT OPEN IT


In my mind, I hear this in a loud monotone. I think it may actually be an excerpt from an unpublished Samuel Beckett play.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:24 AM on November 29, 2012 [30 favorites]

I favorited this so hard, mathowie has a bruise.

At the next meetup, I just might pull up in a car with vanity plates that read "penasnbut".
posted by dr_dank at 11:25 AM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

Dinosaur Loving

WHAT DO YOU DO IF A DINASUAR LOVES YOU
YOU HIDE

Like AskMe for kids.
posted by Kabanos at 11:25 AM on November 29, 2012 [18 favorites]

if you shot down ten birds.how many would you have left?

none

I can't even, oh my God.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:25 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

My new favourite game is to type "http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/tagged/" in my address bar, append whatever noun I can think of, and see what happens.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 11:27 AM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Also very specific to England:

what do you call 2 pieces of bacon in your bum?

a bacon butty.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:27 AM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

These are hysterical. I was laughing so hard I was crying. My kids have made up a lot of these sort of jokes over the years and I've always encouraged them. My favorite is this one my son made up (one of the only ones that ever kind of made sense):

Q: What did the Hulk say to broccoli?
A: Why are you mad?
posted by routergirl at 11:27 AM on November 29, 2012 [36 favorites]

what did the poo say to sonic and shadow? nothing

o_O
posted by ninjew at 11:28 AM on November 29, 2012

BOY: I CANT WAIT TO OPEN THIS BOX
OTHER BOY: THATS A BRICK YOU STUPID
BOY: OH THATS WHY I CANT OPEN IT

this is like my cats, except with my cats it goes:

CAT: I CANT WAIT TO OPEN THIS BOX
ME: THATS A BRICK YOU STUPID
CAT HEARS: MFFFF GRRX UNINTELLIGIBLE PEOPLELANGUAGE
CAT: I CANT WAIT TO OPEN THIS BOX
posted by sweetkid at 11:31 AM on November 29, 2012 [9 favorites]

How does a man put an elephant in a freezer?

fit him in not caring about size and smash the door in

Sounds like how my coworkers do their design work.
posted by backseatpilot at 11:32 AM on November 29, 2012 [16 favorites]

It's like I've gone back in time to hang out with my nine year old cousin, whose favorite song used to be, "If you're happy and you know it, pick your nose and eat it!"

To be fair, I encouraged it. And I was 24.
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 11:34 AM on November 29, 2012

"When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness."

This is a shockingly profound statement on the roles of prayer and Universal Reconciliation in theology.
posted by Blasdelb at 11:35 AM on November 29, 2012 [48 favorites]

Between this post and this one from yesterday our surreal humor cup runneth over.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:39 AM on November 29, 2012

Between this post and this one from yesterday our surreal humor cup runneth over.

TigerParentMaker?
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 11:43 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"there is a guy called joe and there is a guy called fred. fred lives with joe. then one day when fred was done with the bathroom joe went in and when he came out he said what is this wolf shit"

This actually happened to me in real life. It was actually pretty funny and we laughed a while. True story, bro.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:45 AM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

And, (as usual) the Tumblr Archive page is the best way to browse the site.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:47 AM on November 29, 2012

Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers

Wasn't that Garth Ennis's working title for Preacher?
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 11:49 AM on November 29, 2012 [10 favorites]

Aaaaand, Dane Cook just got like five more years of material.
posted by xedrik at 11:51 AM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

Way To Stop A Criminal

A criminal walked up to a victim but the victim said wait let me tell you a joke
knock knock
who’s there?
the police
the police who
the police are here now go to jail


This is so postmodern I think my brain stopped.
posted by rifflesby at 11:53 AM on November 29, 2012 [17 favorites]

knock knock
whos there
immigrents
go away !

Elsewhere on the 47% tape.
posted by Beardman at 11:54 AM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

Why thank you.

I was running out of things to put in my Twitter feed.

posted by mmrtnt at 11:54 AM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness."

This is a shockingly profound statement on the roles of prayer and Universal Reconciliation in theology.

It's also an Emo Phillips joke.
posted by Jonathan Harford at 11:54 AM on November 29, 2012 [15 favorites]

I love bad kid jokes. They are wonderful and make me giggle like a crazed five-year-old every time I hear one.

Lucky for me I live in St. Louis, where children tell jokes on Halloween to get their candy and once a year I get to stock up on all the bad, poorly told, poorly conceived kid jokes I can handle.

This year's winner of the kid most likely to be a Dadaist told me the following joke:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
TOMATO! (Said while snagging a handful of candy and running down the sidewalk.)
posted by teleri025 at 11:54 AM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

My daughter's favorite joke by about age 8:

There's two muffins in an oven, and the first muffin says "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?" and the other muffin says "Ahhh! A talking muffin!!"
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:59 AM on November 29, 2012 [18 favorites]

I try to spend the least amount of time possible around children but I definitely recall that one of my friends' daughter's favourite jokes from about age 3 to age 10 was:

knock knock

who's there?

*horrible farting noises repeated endlessly until peak hilarity is achieved*



That joke is the best joke.
posted by elizardbits at 12:04 PM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

buttoast.
posted by Sailormom at 12:07 PM on November 29, 2012

Louis CK:

I love my kids. My daughter told me a joke the other day and she tells great jokes. They're not like anybody else's jokes. That's why I like them. I've been doing comedy for 25 years. I know every joke, even if I haven't heard it. You start to tell me a joke, I know how it's going to work. But her jokes, I have no idea what's going to happen. I have no idea.

This is the joke she told me the other day. She said, "Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet?" Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet? Already I love this joke. I love this joke. I have not heard this joke. This is a new joke for me. "Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet?" And I said, "Who?" And she said, "Just the people who were in charge of that decision."
posted by Cash4Lead at 12:08 PM on November 29, 2012 [114 favorites]

I got to the Hello Kitty line on the comment thread and now I have to turn away. I'm substitute teaching today and I can't be seen laughing this hard in front of middle schoolers. They'll demand an explanation, and then I'll be in serious trouble.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 12:10 PM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

you are about to be eaten by a grue poo

I swear my brother and I told that joke when we were seven and my dad got us a copy of Zork.
posted by nickmark at 12:13 PM on November 29, 2012

Mommy Mommy jokes I remember fondly from my youth

I loved those too.

Mommy, Mommy, why can't we get a garbage disposal?
Shut up and keep chewing.
posted by nickmark at 12:15 PM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

How There

knock

how there

duck

duck who

chicken legs


I love this site so much! Thank you!
posted by trip and a half at 12:17 PM on November 29, 2012

I wonder if the person who entered this one got it wrong because they don't know about hanging out the washing.

I love it when kids hear a joke, hear people laugh at the joke, realize 'oh wow if I tell this joke people will laugh,' but fail to actually understand why it's a joke.

That's how I wound up telling my 1st grade teacher "If your Christmas tree doesn't fork, you might be a redneck!"
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:18 PM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

Im going

Im going to get to the BOTTEM of this.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

My six-year-old is never going to stop laughing.
posted by KathrynT at 12:21 PM on November 29, 2012

As a kid, I dearly loved this joke:

A woman on a bus lost her jar of aspirin.

She shouted, "My aspirins, my aspirins!"

The bus driver yelled, "Hang it out the window until it cools off!"

posted by mmrtnt at 12:21 PM on November 29, 2012 [7 favorites]

Man this is like a gold mine for favorites.
posted by DynamiteToast at 12:25 PM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

The best joke I ever heard was told by a comedy duo onstage at an open mic night:

First Guy: "What would you do to Skrillex that you wouldn't do to Zooey Deschanel?"

Second Guy: "Someone please take this microphone from us."

They weren't an act, let alone a comedy duo.
posted by Krazor at 12:25 PM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

My stomach hurts and my eyes are leaking and my coworkers think I have lost my ever-loving -mind
posted by arkham_inmate_0801 at 12:25 PM on November 29, 2012

WHAT DO YOU DO IF A DINASUAR LOVES YOU
YOU HIDE
posted by KathrynT at 12:26 PM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"What would you do to Skrillex that you wouldn't do to Zooey Deschanel?"

Admit that he has the slightest shred of talent?
posted by elizardbits at 12:27 PM on November 29, 2012 [7 favorites]

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.
Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But Doctor... I am POOP."
posted by hot_monster at 12:31 PM on November 29, 2012 [20 favorites]

The muffin one reminded me of one of the great ones from my early teens that seems to fit this:
Cow 1: Did you hear about mad cow disease going around?
Cow 2: What do I care? I'm a helicopter!

Also from the Mommy, Mommy ones:
Mommy, Mommy, why does grandma smell funny?
Shut up and hand me the shovel. (or Shut up and keep digging)
posted by Hactar at 12:32 PM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

Anti-Jokes, particularly this kind are still very funny to me.

(That first "A man walked into a bar" one had me in stitches.)
posted by wobh at 12:47 PM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

WHO LIKES BEING GAY AND SNOGIN THE GIRLS

MY RIDICULOS UNCLE EDWARD

I think this is a Twilight joke. I also think page 6 is going to get me thrown out of the office for unsuppressable hilarity. A baked bean in a jug!
posted by Sparx at 12:48 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Jonathan Harford: It's also an Emo Phillips joke.

Looks like Carlos Mencia found this Tumblr first.
posted by dr_dank at 12:50 PM on November 29, 2012

This is one of the funniest threads EVAR!
posted by ericb at 12:50 PM on November 29, 2012

My five year old niece was a little unclear on how to tell jokes and so I was quite helpful with the ideas of build-up and punchlines, which she understood surprisingly well, and really liked the idea of "punch" lines since it was a way of punching her older sister without getting in trouble.

So after some practice she came up with this:

What did the monkey say to the zombie?

Sorry, we don't have any brain-ana's today!

I think she's got a great future in comedy.
posted by honestcoyote at 12:55 PM on November 29, 2012 [12 favorites]

seriously? that joke is awesome!
posted by sweetkid at 12:56 PM on November 29, 2012

what goes black white black white
a nun rolling down a hill


what is black and white and goes ‘ha ha’
the nun who pushed her

GOLD.
posted by kagredon at 1:03 PM on November 29, 2012 [19 favorites]

I'm embarrassed to admit one of my favorite jokes is on that site.

Also:

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick!
posted by Specklet at 1:16 PM on November 29, 2012 [12 favorites]

i'm pretty sure a wizard cast level 10 'create hilarity' and all these jokes popped out

It's 'pooped out,' not 'popped out.'
posted by ericb at 1:21 PM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

Why did Suzy’s ice cream fall?
She got hit by a bus.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Not suzy. she got hit by a bus.
posted by nickmark at 1:23 PM on November 29, 2012

Ah, someone is trying to revive Mommy Mommy jokes I remember fondly from my youth.

Oh, memories of Dead Baby and Helen Keller jokes. Funny at the time. Crass and tasteless when an adult.*

* -- Mostly. ; )
posted by ericb at 1:28 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

That's pretty good, what's your act called? . . .
posted by jetsetsc at 1:38 PM on November 29, 2012

it is called POOPBUTTS
posted by elizardbits at 1:39 PM on November 29, 2012 [8 favorites]

My daughter, still in the early-verbal stage told this one:

"MAMA!"
"yes, sweets?"
"FARTY FART FART!"
"Farty fart fart?"
Her, solemnly, "yeah."
Repeat a dozen more times as I beam with pride that she's telling a fart joke advanced for her age.

Last night she got hooked on to the comedic potential of the phrase "itchy butt." We are bad parents for laughing as hard as we did. She tried it out again this morning -- a comic is born!

When I was a kid I remember endless jokes about disembodied genitalia: "What if a wiener and a boob were just walking down the street?!?!" for hours, this. Kids. Awesome.
posted by amanda at 1:43 PM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

Sparx: I also think page 6 is going to get me thrown out of the office for unsuppressable hilarity. A baked bean in a jug!

If civilization collapses and humanity dies off, and when alien archaeologists discover Earth in a million years, all that is left out of the entire realm of human comedy is Page 6 of Bad Kids Jokes, I'm cool with that.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:45 PM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

NO SOAP. RADIO.
posted by ericb at 1:46 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

I must have posted this before but, my all time favorite joke:

What's brown and sticky?




A stick!
posted by JoanArkham at 1:48 PM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

Three unsuspecting coworkers have caught me laughing really super embarrassing HURR DURR DURR laughter this afternoon.

halp
posted by elizardbits at 1:49 PM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

Dear AskMe,

Is it illegal to pay a child to wear a wire to school and during recess recite a bunch of dirty jokes you taught them in order to get their classmates to also tell dirty jokes and then put them in a book and sell them?
posted by griphus at 1:50 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

They’re Perfect Together

what goes with poo and diaryia
SLUSHYPOO

I mean, can you top SLUSHYPOO? No.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:50 PM on November 29, 2012

I love the little aspirational wishes and dreams that snuck into this one:

Q.What happens when you get an xbox and a ds at the same time?
A. You get an xbox and a ds at the same time
posted by Rock Steady at 1:59 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

And then there is the old chestnut "Non erat femina, erat uxor mia!!!!!!"
posted by Pablo MacWilliams at 2:00 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

can you top SLUSHYPOO?

Yes. With whupass cream.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:03 PM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

elizardbits,

For real, can you possibly have unsuspecting coworkers at this point?
posted by Mister_A at 2:05 PM on November 29, 2012 [13 favorites]

mrgrimm: ""there is a guy called joe and there is a guy called fred. fred lives with joe. then one day when fred was done with the bathroom joe went in and when he came out he said what is this wolf shit""

I eagerly await the Three Wolf Shit Shirt.
posted by symbioid at 2:05 PM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

ericb: "

Oh, memories of Dead Baby and Helen Keller jokes. Funny at the time. Crass and tasteless when an adult.*

* -- Mostly. ; )"

Dead Baby jokes are always hilarious - though I'm more partial to abortion jokes.
posted by symbioid at 2:19 PM on November 29, 2012

YO MAMMA SO UGLY SHE MADE HELLO KITTY SAY GOOD BYE

This is legitimately good not least of which because hello kitty has no mouth.
posted by juv3nal at 2:23 PM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

Dead Baby jokes are always hilarious - though I'm more partial to abortion jokes.

Ashton Applewhite wrote a great little article in Harper's last year about coming out as Blanche Knotte, author of the Truly Tasteless Jokes series, but it's subscription only ...

Ah, it is reprinted on LongForm.com:

"... am I contrite that a career battling sexism, ageism, and creationism was launched by Truly Tasteless Jokes? No way. I'm only sorry I missed out on 9/11."
posted by mrgrimm at 2:33 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

What, no _ Guess What? Chicken Butt. Know Why? Cow Pie. _? I got in a lot of trouble for exposing a niece to that.
posted by achrise at 2:33 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Guess who? CHICKEN POO!
posted by KathrynT at 2:35 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Dog

what do you call a dog with no legs

dosnt mater it wont come anyway


Awesome.
posted by ambrosia at 2:35 PM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

New sock puppet account!


posted by my penas and but
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 2:49 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Guess What? Chicken Butt. Know Why? Cow Pie. _? I got in a lot of trouble for exposing a niece to that.

I only ever heard Guess Why? Chicken Thigh for the second part, which feels like way more of a let-down than Know Why? Cow Pie for some reason.
posted by kagredon at 2:52 PM on November 29, 2012

I always heard Guess Why? Chicken Thigh for the second part, which feels like way more of a let-down than Know Why? Cow Pie for some reason.

I only ever heard that as part of a Stuart Smalley sketch, and assumed it was deliberately weaksauce because Stuart was saying it.
posted by rifflesby at 2:54 PM on November 29, 2012

This Bike Is A Poop Bomb
posted by cody at 3:03 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

It's high time for Dead Baby and Grosser than Gross jokes to get their own FPP:

Q:What's grosser than gross?
A:Jumping off the Empire State Building and getting your nose caught on a nail.

and of course the classic hybrid Dead Baby/Grosser than Gross joke:

Q:What's grosser than gross?
A:Ten dead babies in one trashcan.
Q:What's grosser than that?
A:One dead baby in ten trashcans!
posted by item at 3:07 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Bus Pass

your so old that you got a bus pass signed by dinosaurs
posted by quazichimp at 3:20 PM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

Niece 1: Knock knock
Niece 2: Who's there?
Niece 1: Wolf
Niece 2: Wolf who?
Niece 1: Wolf and cow went to a party. [Pause a beat.] FART!

I have tested this on my four year old son and can confirm that it is in fact hilarious

Even without the FART it was laugh worthy but the FART really pushed it over the top
posted by ook at 3:23 PM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

what do get when you cross a vampire, homework and brusel sprouts


i dont know its probalely super dangerous


I laughed way too hard at this. Probably because I could easily see this coming from a six year old. Except he'd be serious, not joking.
posted by azpenguin at 3:26 PM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

The original no soap joke.
posted by tspae at 3:34 PM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

Harry Potter

Hermione: I’ve got to be clear here, I really like you Harry,but…
Harry: I like your hairy butt too.
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:45 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

New sock puppet account!

Oh, I was sorely tempted to do that all day long. I somehow resisted -- probably because I am poor.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:18 PM on November 29, 2012

As someone who used to collect jokes when they were younger, and as such has heard most jokes (or an updated variation), these are freaking awesome. Wow, my brain is just - I can't even explain it, they are so funny because they are so unlike any jokes I have heard before, with a few exceptions. The suzi got hit by a bus/knock knock joke is amazing. So have some old jokes,

Mummy, mummy can I lick the bowl out?
No flush the chain like everyone else

How do you get 4 elephants in a mini?
2 in the front, 2 in the back.

What happens when an elephant sits on the fence?
It collapses.

How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
Paints is balls red and hides in a cherry tree.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A Giraffe eating cherries.

How do you know when there's an elephant in the fridge?
There's foot prints in the butter!

How do you know when there's two elephants in the fridge?
There's two sets of foot prints in the butter!

How do you know when there's three elephant in the fridge?
There's three sets of foot prints in the butter!

How do you know when there's four elephant in the fridge?
There's a mini outside the house.

Thank you, I am here all week,and I am available for weddings, birthdays, and bar mitzvahs.
posted by marienbad at 4:28 PM on November 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

a banana and a aplle were siting ina tree,

k.a.s.s.i.m.g

Oh man. I have this very vague memory of being too young still to really get how spelling worked, and just figuring that that line was a bunch of gibberish. ("Kay a yes a saiyon gee!") And then I realized that it was all made out of the names of letters and it blew my mind. And then I figured out that if you identified all the letters correctly it actually spelled a word and it blew my mind again.

Looks like this guy made it to epiphany #1 and is still waiting on epiphany #2. Hang in there, kid! You've got this!
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:35 PM on November 29, 2012 [15 favorites]

I think if you like the stick joke you will also like this.

What's a foot long, and slippery?

A SLIPPER.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:47 PM on November 29, 2012 [17 favorites]

How do you get an elephant out of the theater?

You can't- it's in his blood!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:19 PM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

Backflip

a guy backfliped off a cliff by mistake and your next to them. what do you do?


try and save him.


wrong!! you watch him fall. theres no point saving him your only gonna die too.


Very practical, although a little on the psychopathic side. (if I had a kid, this would also be her gameplan)

I think I'm going to start stealing some of these for random FB statuses to creep people out.
posted by Fig at 5:31 PM on November 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

I made this joke up at 6th grade camp:

What did one yucca plant say to the other yucca plant? Stop beating around the bush and get to the point.

I thought this was hilarious and repeated it at every opportunity. I see now the reason no one else laughed is because the punchline should have been: Stop beating around the bush and get to the penas but.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:02 PM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

i_am_joe's_spleen: "I think if you like the stick joke you will also like this.

What's a foot long, and slippery?

A SLIPPER."

Oh god - a joke recommendation algorithm. We could call it joke.fm
posted by symbioid at 6:47 PM on November 29, 2012 [5 favorites]

So, about that Three Wolf Shit Moon Shirt, I made a mockup.
posted by symbioid at 6:55 PM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh man. I had a terrible day, and this thread has done me a power of good.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:17 PM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

What's the white stuff in bird poop?

MORE BIRD POOP!
posted by waitangi at 7:20 PM on November 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

Last summer on a car trip, my three older kids were taking turns telling jokes, many of which were very similar to these. The two-year-old wanted to get in on the action, so she made up her own.

Why did the cat go on the road?
To get to the barn!!

We all laughed, because . . . she was two. And we were all pretty impressed that she had come up with a joke that followed proper joke structure, even if maybe the punchline could have used some work. So she told it again. And again. And again. Exactly the same every time - same punchline, same intonation, same delighted loud laugh at her own cleverness. Her dad and I got tired of saying "I don't know. Why?" pretty quickly, but her siblings, to her great delight, continued to play along. Eventually, she ran out of takers and someone just guessed "to get to the barn?" She was furious and explained very clearly that we were NOT supposed to give the answer, we were supposed to ask "Why?". So someone asked "why?" And she told us.

To get to the office!!
posted by Dojie at 7:21 PM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

How do you get 4 elephants in a mini?
2 in the front, 2 in the back.

This joke reminds me of the other end of the spectrum -- my grandfather, who had an incredibly dry and bitter sense of humor. I tried this joke on him when I was a kid, and it went like this:

Me: Grandpa, grandpa, how do you fit five elephants in a Volkswagen?
Grandpa: Shoot 'em, and chop 'em up.
posted by mikeand1 at 7:46 PM on November 29, 2012 [11 favorites]

What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle?

[Joke teller throws both hands up in the air] "Wheeeeeeee!"
posted by straight at 10:44 PM on November 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

Back in the day I worked in the education department of a university. I remember one of the lecturers telling me that this is a definite stage in cognitive development: when children understand the question/answer form of simple jokes, and understand that this is funny by convention, but don't have the mental machinery to understand the essential surprise that must underlie a punchline. Apparently true appreciation kicks in around 7.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 11:34 PM on November 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

What does it take to get Markov Bad Kids' Jokes?
posted by Pronoiac at 11:47 PM on November 29, 2012

What does it take to get Markov Bad Kids' Jokes?

This is perversely tempting me, to, next time I'm talking with cognitive scientists, bring these jokes up as an interesting failure mode. The only reason not to would be that I would likely end up reading the jokes out loud and cackling, while no one else laughs.
posted by frimble at 2:27 AM on November 30, 2012

jbickers - Monthly cycle.

Yep.
posted by asok at 3:29 AM on November 30, 2012

What's grey?
A melted down penguin.

What did the farmer say when he saw his cow on the roof?
Come down, cow!

I just laughed so hard that I did a poo!
posted by h00py at 5:31 AM on November 30, 2012

JoanArkham: I must have posted this before but, my all time favorite joke:

What's brown and sticky?

Alice Tinker thinks you're telling it wrong.
posted by hanov3r at 7:24 AM on November 30, 2012 [2 favorites]

guess what the chicken was wearing



monkey pants
posted by klausness at 7:49 AM on November 30, 2012

Libary

a blonde walks into a libary “CAN I HAVE A CHESEEBURGER” she shouts at the top of her lungs
“madam this is a libary” the libarian says
“oh sorry” she whispered “please can i have a cheeseburger

Oh my Lord I'm having flashbacks to Taxi:

[during a written driving test]

Reverend Jim: Pssssttt... what does the yellow light mean?
Bobby Wheeler: "Slow down."
Reverend Jim: What... does... the... yellow... light... mean?
Bobby Wheeler: "Slow down"!
Reverend Jim: Whaaaat... dooooeeees... theeeee... yeeeel-looowwww... liiiiight... meeeeaaan?
posted by magstheaxe at 7:50 AM on November 30, 2012 [3 favorites]

A kid I knew - she had just turned four (I was in my mid-twenties) - was a nascent comedian and kind of had her own amazing sense of bizarre kid humor. She'd ask if you want to hear a funny joke and then she'd say something like, "Put the...water on your face." Or, delivered in a slightly halting and unsure manner, "Put the...put the soda on your face." And then she would laugh. Oh, how she'd laugh.

Sometimes the funny joke was, she'd just say in a very perfunctory tone, "Horse spit." Laughter.

Which was funny, because horse spit is funny, and your face is not where soda is supposed to go, and I was usually stoned as hell when she was around.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:56 AM on November 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

My two-year-old came up with his first joke a couple months ago. Want to hear it?

"Butt."

That's the whole joke. For his 6-year-old sister, though, let me tell you: it is plenty.
posted by KathrynT at 9:01 AM on November 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

tspae: "The original no soap joke."

Best joke ever written, truly.
posted by Panjandrum at 9:10 AM on November 30, 2012

Reverend Jim: Whaaaat... dooooeeees... theeeee... yeeeel-looowwww... liiiiight... meeeeaaan?

Bobby: Mental illness or drug addiction?
Jim: Now that's a tough choice

I ♥ Taxi.
posted by mrgrimm at 9:34 AM on November 30, 2012

This reminds me of the thread about "Kids tell a story, adults act it out" videos from a few months ago.
posted by aka burlap at 6:13 PM on November 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

Actual joke from my 4-year-old daughter:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Banana glad I didn't say orange?
posted by swift at 6:46 PM on December 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

So what's a pirate's favourite letter?

(Everyone says "arrrrr")

Actually, he's quite fond of the C!

I never thought bodily function jokes were funny, even as a kid. I'm a born punster.
posted by windykites at 7:17 PM on December 1, 2012

Q: What do you get?

A: poop, forever
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 8:50 PM on December 1, 2012

Q: What do you get?

A: poop, forever

If you want a picture of the future, imagine poop on a human face — forever.
posted by kagredon at 12:22 AM on December 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

done ;)
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 3:13 PM on December 3, 2012