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You're gonna need a bigger boat.
December 4, 2012 10:04 AM   Subscribe

Got round about a hundred thousand dollars going spare? Then you'll be wanting a custom built shark/dolphin/killer whale sub/boat Seabreacher
posted by fearfulsymmetry (41 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
I had no idea what this was going to be before I clicked on the link.

Spoiler Alert: IT IS THE BEST THING.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:07 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


A more annoying jetski. Who would have thought it possible?
posted by ryanrs at 10:24 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


So it's a jet ski with a roof? And little shark fins?
posted by chavenet at 10:25 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


You people obviously have no child like joy in your hearts.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:26 AM on December 4, 2012 [5 favorites]


This is the perfect gift for my Power Ranger uncle who already "has it all"!
posted by orme at 10:26 AM on December 4, 2012


really? you guys are gonna hate on a personal submarine? I look forward to finding one of these on Craigslist in ten years..
posted by ninjew at 10:27 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]


This is what you get when Bruce Wayne remembers to take his meds.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:31 AM on December 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


Featured previously.
posted by Think_Long at 10:31 AM on December 4, 2012


I was ready to be terrified and post a bunch of links to those early Civil War deathtrap submarines, but it seems that this one is positively buoyant all the time. So it's arguably not a submarine, but on the plus side it can't really sink.

I'm curious how they keep the engine from flooding if you dive it too deep, though.
posted by Kadin2048 at 10:34 AM on December 4, 2012


You people obviously have no child like joy in your hearts.

Crap like this, piloted by thrill-seekers with more money than sense, is dangerous out on the water.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 10:37 AM on December 4, 2012


Featured previously.

Ah, did a search but didn't see that...
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:38 AM on December 4, 2012


People ask me why I hate rich people. I say, "I don't! Honest! Some of my best friends are rich people!"

But I'm lying. This is why I hate rich people.
posted by gurple at 10:40 AM on December 4, 2012


2013 SEABREACHER CHEAP!!!!!
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Date: 2023-12-04, 1:28PM EST
Reply to this post kb3vj-3498x0x03544@sale.craigslist.org[?]
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Selling a used Seabreecher water kraft. Runs/floats good. Some minor stains and cigerete burns to interior. Body repainted in 2018 after miner collision with dude on a hoverboard. Includes Kenwood CD changer and Coleman 62 Quart Xtreme® Wheeled Cooler.

Asking $69,000 OBO.
posted by orme at 10:45 AM on December 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


Crap like this, piloted by thrill-seekers with more money than sense, is dangerous out on the water.

How is "crap like this" at all related to a drunk operating a regular boat recklessly? This is a fun looking (if expensive) toy, but one that could clearly be operated in a safe manner. Would operating it in a safe manner require a lot more work and a far more carefully constrained environment than operating a normal boat? Of course. In fact, I'd agree that it probably shouldn't be allowed to operate as freely as normal recreational boats (having another boat to warn people away from the area where you're using it would seem like a must), but assuming that it's unacceptable dangerous because people could use it recklessly is silly.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:49 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]



I'd love to sneak this into that Scottish loch where Nellie is reputed to reside.
posted by notreally at 10:49 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'd love to sneak this into that Scottish loch where Nellie is reputed to reside.

It's Nessie and there's no reputed about it!
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:50 AM on December 4, 2012


assuming that it's unacceptable dangerous because people could use it recklessly is silly

Its a boat whose distinguishing feature is that it hides mostly underwater.
posted by gurple at 10:55 AM on December 4, 2012


Next you are going to tell me it is Loch Ness and Nessie is named after the loch.
posted by notreally at 10:55 AM on December 4, 2012


Which is why a support boat to keep people away from the area would be necessary in order to use it safely. In an area where you've checked for underwater obstructions and have the ability to keep people out of the area you're using it in, I don't see any reason for it to be unacceptably unsafe.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:58 AM on December 4, 2012


Sadly, a hundred grand for a water scooter like this barely merits bragging rights among today's megarich. Find a plausible way to add a couple zeroes to the price (Covered in SONAR-resistant Swarovski rhinestones!) and then you'll have something.
posted by ardgedee at 11:02 AM on December 4, 2012


I don't see any reason for it to be unacceptably unsafe.

Then perhaps you would like to buy my latest fashion venture for the very elitest of the elite. It's a business suit covered in spikes that drops caltrops from the back every three seconds.

By default it drops poisoned steel caltrops, but if you hold down the right cufflink it drops Nerf ones instead.
posted by gurple at 11:03 AM on December 4, 2012


I think this has more to do with hating rich people than thinking anything is unsafe, but if someone wanted to sit in a controlled area and where a spiked covered suit I wouldn't think anything of it. Honestly, there's so much shit in the world that's more unsafe and more likely to cause problems than this, that hand wringing about it instead of enjoying that it looks fun seems silly.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:12 AM on December 4, 2012


I hate rich people. >:(
posted by mazola at 11:14 AM on December 4, 2012


I'm going hold out for a Narwhal model.

Unless of course there is an aftermarket tusk attachment I can buy, in which case ... NARSHARK!
posted by Kabanos at 11:15 AM on December 4, 2012


MY SEABREACHER 4 YR STIRLING ENGINE
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Date: 2021-7-09, 6:22AM EST
Reply to this post bd-4kl-2215x0x01121@sale.craigslist.org[?]
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Originally a present for ex-wife. Have to get rid of this because I am in the snowbelt and do not want to pay off-season docking fees. It is expensive enough having to pay for XMAS decorations to light the house than to trailer this thing or keep it any longer than necessary. House is for trade in a seperate listing, hoping to get a toy hauler and try my luck somewhere warmer and off-grid.

Serious inquiries only. New GPS, IR HUD installed 3 years ago. WILL ONLY TRADE FOR A STIRLING ENGINE IN WORKABLE CONDITION. That means NO WHINERS, no b********ers with cash in small bills. Don't even talk to me about a timeshare.

Pictures will be up soon. Model is painted as Dory from "Finding Nemo". If you've never heard of that film, you probably don't even know what a Stirling Engine is, so don't bother calling.
posted by Smart Dalek at 11:18 AM on December 4, 2012


I think this has more to do with hating rich people than thinking anything is unsafe

Goodness, you're so serious.

Fine, then: yes, you could use this safely, I guess. It has extremely high potential to be used dangerously, but you could theoretically use it safely. You could take it out on the open ocean (probably you couldn't, actually), or you could do something massively douchetwattish like pay to have some local stretch of water blocked off so nobody could use it but you and your other insanely rich Seabreacher friends. You could do that.

And if you did? It'd still be disgusting. What kind of fuel economy do you think it has? It *must* be terrible if you use it in the fun ways; show me I'm wrong. Burning through barrels of oil to get your kicks is obnoxious.

And anything so expensive and frivolous is intrinsically obnoxious. Got 60 grand you literally want to burn? Give it to a charity to save some lives or cure AIDS or something. Oh, but these rich people are noble, so they have already done that! The world is already better for their generous spirit! So what? This is 60 grand more they could have spent well instead of badly.

So, yes, this is why I hate rich people who would buy things like this.
posted by gurple at 11:24 AM on December 4, 2012


I just bought three!
posted by Burhanistan at 11:27 AM on December 4, 2012


Go on and tell them, then, in exactly those terms. Because that's productive!

I'd drive the hell out of a GNARSHARK!
posted by Chutzler at 11:28 AM on December 4, 2012


Hey, people. Don't wealthsplain. The rich know better how to use their cash than you hicks.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:30 AM on December 4, 2012


You're the one complaining about the fuel economy of a toy that basically no one owns, and I'm the one being overly serious? All kinds of people (of all income levels) waste money that could to something more worthwhile, and it's stupid to spend your time in puritanical outage about it. Oh all the the problems of wealth disparity, the fact that rich spend their money on toys is pretty much at the bottom of the list.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:33 AM on December 4, 2012


How is "crap like this" at all related to a drunk operating a regular boat recklessly?

This was not a regular boat. This guy was operating a Sunstation Dominator, a boat that's only purpose is unnecessary speed. The thing was a freaking dragster being operated on public roads. Yes, he was operating drunk, but he was also operating twin 425 horsepower engines in a 32' boat going about 45 miles an hour on the water while drunk.

assuming that it's unacceptable dangerous because people could use it recklessly is silly.

It's small, purposefully camouflaged, and designed specifically to encourage risky behavior. Of course it's unacceptably dangerous.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:36 AM on December 4, 2012


I'd drive the hell out of a GNRARSHARK! FTFY.
posted by arcticseal at 11:39 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


Bah, call me back when it can go underwater.
posted by Vindaloo at 11:40 AM on December 4, 2012


Jesus people. Just use the boat on your private lake. Safety problem solved.
posted by fshgrl at 11:40 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]


I only drive fixed-gear sharks.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:43 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]


Good christ, it's got a plexiglass canopy, and you can steer it. You can see and avoid other watercraft. Not every stretch of coastal water is so crowded with boats you can walk five miles from shore without wetting your feet.

Also, from the website:
We strongly recommend that a support boat is present whenever you operate a Seabreacher. This is not as much for the Seabreacher but more to help keep other boaters or water users from coming too close to the vessel when it is operating. We also recommend having radio communication between the vessel and chase boat as an added precaution. We continue to use a support boat every time we go out, even after ten years of operation.
So, there you go.
posted by Slap*Happy at 12:20 PM on December 4, 2012


Asking $69,000 OBO.

That's only €7,350 in 2018 dollars.

I just knew these things would become commoditized.
posted by chavenet at 12:35 PM on December 4, 2012


The arguments here about the relative safety of that travesty compared to other water-craft are a waste of energy.

As an adrenaline-junkie of long-standing, I can confidently predict that no one is going to buy that ridiculous thing. As others have noted, it's basically a jet ski with a canopy. It's not an especially fast surface craft, nor is it a submarine, either. It's dangerous as hell, isolates the user from the environment, conceals the operator from observers, provides no excuse to get nearly naked, has no real athletic component to it, and requires a frikken support team.

In short, it lacks pretty much every reward-feedback that drives water-sports such as water-skiing, wake-boarding, windsurfing, and (yes) jet-skiing. Sure, some Cristal-quaffing sheik might purchase one of these contraptions, but you're not going to see convoys of Seabreaching dip-sticks infesting spring-break hot-spots and marine parks anywhere near you.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 3:33 PM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


I would totally have come up with a design for this, when I was 8. Hell, I probably did! If anything, I think they're thinking too small. I mean, why not a sail, too? Also, rocket launchers or at least a grapnel.

And when my daughter is 8, I'll help her develop ideas like that. Holy crap, what if it could go on land?! And fly! The radness, it burns! I'm actually really looking forward to that age.

Dreaming this stuff up is super cool. Actually birthing this monstrosity is the thing that sucks the childlike joy out of it.

Stay gold, rampcars. Stay gold.
posted by gurple at 4:20 PM on December 4, 2012


What a waste. 13 grand was supposed to get you this.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 4:34 PM on December 4, 2012


I like that thing Benny, that is a funny thing. Completely pointless and impractical, but funny nonetheless.

'isolates the user from the environment, conceals the operator from observers, provides no excuse to get nearly naked, has no real athletic component to it, and requires a frikken support team'

Ideal for cosseted hermit people with body issues and who have only ever experienced life through a protective window. Modern day Howard Hugheses.
posted by asok at 6:06 AM on December 5, 2012


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