Every newspaper headline published in "The Simpsons"

December 12, 2012 12:58 PM

This is a compilation of every headline (with screenshots) seen on "The Simpsons". These Simpsons headlines come primarily with the Springfield Shopper, Springfield's only major newspaper. The compilation includes such memorable headlines as "SQUIRREL RESEMBLING ABRAHAM LINCOLN FOUND", "AWFUL SCHOOL IS AWFUL RICH", and "PARADE TO DISTRACT JOYLESS CITIZENRY"
posted by winecork (32 comments total)

It appears to be missing IDIOT RUINS GAME: SPRINGFIELD FORFEITS PENNANT.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:03 PM on December 12, 2012

This just in: The Lincoln squirrel has been assassinated.
posted by hwyengr at 1:06 PM on December 12, 2012 [3 favorites]

SPINNING NEWSPAPER INJURES PRINTER

hee hee hee
posted by griphus at 1:12 PM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

This just in: The Lincoln squirrel has been assassinated.

We'll stay with this story all night if we have to.
posted by King Bee at 1:13 PM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

"In Rod We Trust"
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:14 PM on December 12, 2012

Sixth comment less important, studies show.
posted by box at 1:15 PM on December 12, 2012 [6 favorites]

My favourite of all time:

Quimby's Proposition 24 on Ballot / Quimby Propositions 24 At Ballet
posted by yellowbinder at 1:15 PM on December 12, 2012 [11 favorites]

My favorite is the one where Scratchy gets his heart pulled out by Itchy somehow, and is totally fine with it, until he picks up the paper to see the headline "YOU NEED A HEART TO LIVE."
posted by King Bee at 1:21 PM on December 12, 2012 [10 favorites]

This just in: SIMPSONS STILL ON THE AIR, STILL BETTER THAN FAMILY GUY
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:23 PM on December 12, 2012 [5 favorites]

BUT MILES BEHIND ARCHER
posted by brain_drain at 1:26 PM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

Great find. I have always loved those headlines, when done right they were the punchline beyond the punchline and could really make me laugh.
posted by zzazazz at 1:27 PM on December 12, 2012

Previously
posted by roger ackroyd at 1:41 PM on December 12, 2012

This just in: SIMPSONS STILL ON THE AIR, STILL BETTER THAN FAMILY GUY

Clearly an Onion headline.
posted by blucevalo at 1:44 PM on December 12, 2012

This just in: SIMPSONS STILL ON THE AIR, STILL BETTER THAN FAMILY GUY

Say what you will about Family Guy, but at least it tries to be funny. The last time I watched a post-millennium episode of The Simpsons, I found myself literally counting the minutes between anything that could even be construed as attempted humour. I stopped when I hit several, and haven't tuned in since.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:18 PM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

Related: Saw this book at the NY Art Book Fair, and loved it.
posted by interrupt at 2:18 PM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

I've never liked Family Guy, it's crass and, to me, unfunny. The Simpsons at its height though. Great stuff. Smart. Funny. Scathing social commentary. It was everything comedy should be. I won't watch it these days and it's been probably 10 years since I have been a regular viewer. LOVING The Simpsons nostalgia on the blue today! Great post.
posted by IvoShandor at 2:28 PM on December 12, 2012

Best deadpan parody of a midsize city's newspaper is this one:

BURNS PLANS SUNSHINE HALT
SPECIAL SECTION: Your Guide To Perpetual Darkness
posted by gompa at 2:47 PM on December 12, 2012 [5 favorites]

Say what you will about Family Guy, but at least it tries to be funny.

It strains with all its might!
posted by shakespeherian at 2:48 PM on December 12, 2012 [3 favorites]

My all-time favorite: "DEADBEAT DAD BEAT DEAD."
posted by Navelgazer at 2:51 PM on December 12, 2012 [4 favorites]

How long do you think the bums would have extended their deadline?
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:51 PM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

Pickpockets call up reserves...
posted by dry white toast at 3:20 PM on December 12, 2012

The AV Club has been doing reviews of classic episodes of The Simpsons, and one of the commenters, who goes by the name of Reposted snpp.com Comments, has a running gag where he will cut-and-paste extremely negative viewer reviews for each particular episode that were posted to alt.tv.simpsons at the time of the original airing. These are Golden Era Simpsons shows from seasons 3-8, universally acknowledged as some of the best TV ever made, and still there were plenty of people who couldn't wait to get online and shit all over them.

Some examples:

Re: "Homer's Barbershop Quartet":
"What the hell was that last night? Snooze city.. Talk about a pathetic opening to the new season - I surely hope they straighten out their acts or they'll end up as a cancelled show VERY soon! I think I laughed once, at a part where people weren't SUPPOSE to laugh.. Clean up your act boys.. or you'll lose a lot of fans.. (I'm curious to hear what the ratings level was at for that show)."
—Chrys Pelegris, Oct 2 1993 4:26 am

From: "Homer Goes to College":
"Don't get me wrong. I really liked Cape Feare, and the B#'s was kind of good in a wierd way, but the college episode was the worst Simpsons episode I've ever seen. I've loved every other episode, I'm not at all critical when I watch but what happened? Are there new writers? I'm embarrased. I've gotten so many people into this show, and now I look stupid."
—Chris Corcoran, Oct 14 1993 8:02 pm

From: "Cape Feare":
"I'm a licensed philosopher, and I can assure you that Mr. Ross is right: The rake scene was, in fact, not the least bit funny."
—Charles Don Hall, Licensed Philosopher, Oct 13 1993 9:07 am

From: "The Front":
"'The Adventures of Ned Flanders' confirms that the writers are running out of ideas. Lame filler if I ever saw it. This shouldn't be confused with the first Itchy & Scratchy short "Dazed and Contused", which needed to be lame for the plot."
—Phil Mueller, April 16, 1993, 3:52 pm

From: "Last Exit to Springfield":
"Does anyone else feel that perhaps the Simpsons are finally running low on gas? The story lines are getting more and more disjointed and surreal. In addition, the "Last Exit to Springfield had a LOT of dead air sequences that went on too long, as if they ran out of jokes and were trying to fill space between commercials, ie:
*"Dental plan...Lisa needs braces". Way too long.
*Classical Gas
*Gandpa's rambling story
*Homer's weird dance around Burns' office.
One dragged-out sequence in an episode could be forgiven, but four in one night?"
—Andrew Ross, March 22, 1993, 4:35 pm

From: "Marge vs. the Monorail":
"Overall, a good episode (miles better than "Homer's Triple Bypass), but not a great one--I think they went overboard on the refs, especially at the beginning."
—Rick "I call the big one Bitey" Haan, Jan 16 1993, 12:31 am
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:21 PM on December 12, 2012 [9 favorites]

Nobody hates the Simpsons as much as the SNPP hates the Simpons.
posted by The Whelk at 3:35 PM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

This thread is relevant to my interests.

Extra Extra! Todd Smells
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 4:05 PM on December 12, 2012

Another omission: LOCAL MAN RUINS EVERYTHING
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 4:21 PM on December 12, 2012

Extra Extra! Todd Smells

Is your source on this reliable?
posted by King Bee at 4:44 PM on December 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

I HOPE I DIDN'T BRAIN MY DAMAGE.
posted by y2karl at 4:47 PM on December 12, 2012

Extra Extra! Todd Smells

Aw, I already knew that.
posted by porn in the woods at 6:02 PM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

I do miss some of these old Simpson episodes, and I can see them again tonight on Channel 10, and again next week!
posted by mattoxic at 6:31 PM on December 12, 2012

*"Dental plan...Lisa needs braces". Way too long.
*Classical Gas
*Gandpa's rambling story
*Homer's weird dance around Burns' office.
One dragged-out sequence in an episode could be forgiven, but four in one night?"
—Andrew Ross, March 22, 1993, 4:35 pm

If only Mr. Ross knew what the future held in the way of animated series that dragged out jokes.
posted by 445supermag at 8:08 PM on December 12, 2012

If only Mr. Ross knew what the future held in the way of animated series that dragged out jokes.

I'm sure I do not know what you are talking about.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:37 PM on December 12, 2012

Oy, that rake.
posted by stevil at 1:36 PM on December 14, 2012