Oh Brad, take me against the wall of our four-season lakeside cabin!

December 13, 2012 8:22 AM

Snapshots of life with your new boyfriends, the men of LL Bean.
posted by The Whelk (101 comments total)

Man I want some lobster pants.
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 8:26 AM on December 13, 2012

I like how freshly sanded wood is a substitute for PENIS
posted by angrycat at 8:28 AM on December 13, 2012 [5 favorites]

In fact, my mother DID buy these pants for me. Why do you ask?
posted by orme at 8:29 AM on December 13, 2012

Man I want this lobster out of my pants.
posted by notyou at 8:29 AM on December 13, 2012

Looks like Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor supercharged that painting in his attic.
posted by griphus at 8:30 AM on December 13, 2012

I actually owned this sweater or one exactly like it (from L.L. Bean) when I met my wife, and if I'd ever put my arm around her while wearing it she would have ripped my arm off in an attempt to destroy the sweater.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:32 AM on December 13, 2012

He will build you a table and then have sex with you on it. Doesn't get much hotter than that.

I agree.

How much do you suppose the shipping charge is for a Nathan, size 34"waist?
posted by orange swan at 8:34 AM on December 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

I am currently wearing pants, a shirt and a fleece jacket. All from LL Bean.

Pack your bags, Metafilter, I'm taking you to Acadia. We'll stay at that charming B&B in Southwest Harbor, you know, the one with the organic garden out back? Maybe do some rock hoping at Bass Harbor lighthouse. I'll buy you that sea glass necklace you were looking at last time.
posted by bondcliff at 8:35 AM on December 13, 2012 [59 favorites]

angrycat: "I like how freshly sanded wood is a substitute for PENIS"

Is it ok if the timber is, uh, unsanded? I'm asking for a friend.
posted by boo_radley at 8:35 AM on December 13, 2012 [23 favorites]

In fact, my mother DID buy these pants for me.

What does "hidden comfort" mean, then? Presumably not what I am imagining.
posted by elizardbits at 8:36 AM on December 13, 2012

this is not relevant to my interests
posted by ninjew at 8:37 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

What does "hidden comfort" mean, then?

An adult diaper is sewn in.
posted by orme at 8:37 AM on December 13, 2012 [9 favorites]

shh just come
posted by elizardbits at 8:38 AM on December 13, 2012 [5 favorites]

ninjew: "this is not relevant to my interests"

... yet...
posted by boo_radley at 8:39 AM on December 13, 2012

Is it ok if the timber is, uh, unsanded? I'm asking for a friend.

Oh man do we have to have the sanded/unsanded derail every time?
posted by Kadin2048 at 8:40 AM on December 13, 2012 [23 favorites]

How much do you suppose the shipping charge is for a Nathan, size 34"waist?

Don't forget to specify the inseam measurement too.
posted by Kabanos at 8:41 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

The serum worked! You start shopping online for a remote cabin in the woods while I go rob a bank!

Yesss, I have my hidden comfort on!
posted by orme at 8:41 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Man, this is really making me want to date white dudes again.

bad tumblr no biscuit
posted by elizardbits at 8:42 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh God, you know you're firmly ensconced in the bourgeoisie when every single one of these is appealing to you. It's like the poorman's J. Peterman.

I'll be over here.

In my handcrafted rocking chair knitting organic alpaca wool raised by a family of expat English majors in Patagonia.
posted by WidgetAlley at 8:43 AM on December 13, 2012 [8 favorites]

Dammit I like LL Bean and if shipping stuff to Sweden wasn't so expensive I would actually buy their stuff as opposed to just surf their site in incognito mode. Theirs and Duluth's. And Darn Tough's. And Saddleback Leather's.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 8:44 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Why don't we climb into the backseat of the Bootmobile, and I'll show you how big the tongue is?" suggested Carl.
posted by Kabanos at 8:45 AM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

You know, one of the cool things about this thread is that the captions are idealized, but not all that farfetched for a Northern New England romance.
posted by Miko at 8:45 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh God, you know you're firmly ensconced in the bourgeoisie when every single one of these is appealing to you. It's like the poorman's J. Peterman.

This is absolutely true. As soon as I started making upper middle class income, I started buying shit from L.L. Bean all the time. I can't explain it, but there it is.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:46 AM on December 13, 2012

what is this i don't even
posted by IvoShandor at 8:47 AM on December 13, 2012

but not all that farfetched for a Northern New England romance.

"I caught that dashing rogue from the harbor picking my blueberries again..."
posted by The Whelk at 8:48 AM on December 13, 2012 [11 favorites]

IvoShandor: "what is this i don't even"

Snapshots of life with your new boyfriends, the men of Thinkgeek.
posted by boo_radley at 8:50 AM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

Ron Swanson frowns upon your aspiring New England shenanigans.
posted by zombieflanders at 8:52 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

bondcliff: "... Maybe do some rock hoping at Bass Harbor lighthouse ..."

Rocks, plz hope me.
posted by idiopath at 8:54 AM on December 13, 2012 [5 favorites]

small quibble: I wish the word "perfect" weren't used in every 3rd or 4th caption.
posted by Miko at 8:57 AM on December 13, 2012

Miko: "small quibble: I wish the word "perfect" weren't used in every 3rd or 4th caption."

You've never been to Maine in the fall, have you?
posted by boo_radley at 9:02 AM on December 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

I just had a look at the women's section of the L.L. Bean catalogue, and I'm unimpressed. The clothes just look like the sort of thing I wear around the house (khakis, long sleeved t-shirts and cardigans, or yoga pants and sweatshirts), and I'm not going to pay those prices for clothes I'm just going to do housework in.
posted by orange swan at 9:05 AM on December 13, 2012

Is it ok if the timber is, uh, unsanded? I'm asking for a friend.

It's okay, some women prefer that. If your friend is self conscious about it he can just pour a litte sand into the condom before use. That's what I do.
posted by cmoj at 9:05 AM on December 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

Bulgaroktonos: I actually owned this sweater or one exactly like it (from L.L. Bean) when I met my wife, and if I'd ever put my arm around her while wearing it she would have ripped my arm off in an attempt to destroy the sweater.

That sweater would fit right in on the Enterprise-E.
posted by JDHarper at 9:05 AM on December 13, 2012

This would be funnier if it gradually got really dark:

“Let’s hike up Mount Battie and have a picnic today,” Tyler said.

“Let’s go blueberry picking today,” said Silas, with a gleam in his eye.

Paul took my hand and ran it along the freshly sanded beam at the site of our new house. “Soon,” he said, “this will be a home, and it will be all ours. There are no neighbors for miles.”

Thomas and I strolled through the woods behind his parents’ house in Rangeley. It had been the perfect weekend meeting his parents and seeing the house where he spent his childhood… then I noticed something odd: "Is that blood on your sleeve?" He laughed, "Oh, it's paint; I was making you a valentine".

...

Daniel hurried into the house. “I just started the car so it could warm up,” he said. “Our new Range Rover Limited Edition HSE has plenty of space for our luggage and the bodies.”
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 9:06 AM on December 13, 2012 [44 favorites]

> I'm not going to pay those prices for clothes I'm just going to do housework in.

Naturally not! Brad does the housework before you wake up, then slips back into bed and mysteriously whispers, "Because you're worth it."
posted by gilrain at 9:07 AM on December 13, 2012 [15 favorites]

Your real Maine boyfriend chuckles at these summer people, as he buys his lobster pants at the Reny's in Ellsworth for less than half the price.
posted by mubba at 9:07 AM on December 13, 2012 [27 favorites]

The guy on page 2 or 3 they're calling Wyatt really does look like every Wyatt I have ever known. This is delightful.
posted by elizardbits at 9:08 AM on December 13, 2012

You've never been to Maine in the fall, have you?

I lived in Maine for 5 years. The quibble is about how many variations there are on "you're perfect", "it's been a perfect day," etc.
posted by Miko at 9:09 AM on December 13, 2012

I'm not going to pay those prices for clothes I'm just going to do housework in.

Aha but the LL Bean goodness is not in flashy outerware but stuff like under-shirts and jeans. Get thee to an outlet, load up on indestructible undergarments and ever buy another white or black t-shirt again! Some of them are long sleeved!

this post partially inspired by the fact that I am wearing head to toe LL Bean right now and I hadn't even meant too
posted by The Whelk at 9:12 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

I just had a look at the women's section of the L.L. Bean catalogue, and I'm unimpressed. The clothes just look like the sort of thing I wear around the house (khakis, long sleeved t-shirts and cardigans, or yoga pants and sweatshirts), and I'm not going to pay those prices for clothes I'm just going to do housework in.

I'm a man. I buy a lot of stuff from L.L. Bean and I'm usually pretty happy with it; it's mostly sweaters and khakis type stuff, but as a man that's basically 95% of my wardrobe. The women's stuff, though, is basically the men's stuff in different cuts and colors (I mean, I assume it's cut differently, I haven't bought any women's clothes from them to try them on), so I can see where that wouldn't be appealing to a lot of women.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:14 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Your Carhartt boyfriend is mostly unimpressed.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:16 AM on December 13, 2012 [11 favorites]

Also, Maine's hidden secret? Amazing vintage clothing deals because no one ever throws anything out. Hit up the Goodwill in Augusta and just shove as much well-made grandpa clothing as you can into a trash bag and never go shopping again.
posted by The Whelk at 9:17 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

What does "hidden comfort" mean, then?

These pants, they vibrate.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:18 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

I assume everyone's just being lulzy, but the "hidden comfort" is a hidden bit of elastic that makes them fit a little better on us pudgy types. I had a pair of shorts with it from L.L. Bean that I liked a lot, but I tore them getting off a sailboat and...

Oh my God, I think my life has descended into self-parody.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:21 AM on December 13, 2012 [20 favorites]

The women's stuff, though, is basically the men's stuff in different cuts and colors (I mean, I assume it's cut differently

Not cut so very differently. Herein lies the problem...
posted by vitabellosi at 9:24 AM on December 13, 2012 [5 favorites]

things found at the Augusta Goodwill in August.
posted by The Whelk at 9:25 AM on December 13, 2012

Also, Maine's hidden secret? Amazing vintage clothing deals because no one ever throws anything out.

This is also Duluth, MN's hidden secret, except with "antiques." When I visited there, every other shop downtown was an "antique" store crammed to the brim with "well, he can't complain about us getting rid of it now that he's dead."
posted by griphus at 9:25 AM on December 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

The thing with LL bean stuff is that none of it ever fits me. I want to like it, but then I try it on and it mocks me and my apparently nonconforming body style. Sure, it says "Large/Tall" but the sleeves are always too short! Like I am some gull winged freak of nature who shall never be allowed to join the Bourgeoisie crowd shopping at Crate and Barrel.

Duluth Trading ? Carhartt ? Those things were made for my tall, thin, long legged people. A degree in engineering and long career in IT making 95 percenter money - but still I cannot escape my poor working class roots.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 9:28 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

I figured it was either a built-in jockstrap or a small articulated robot arm with soft gentle hands which pleasured the wearer intermittently.
posted by elizardbits at 9:29 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

The thrift store in Freeport has all that stuff, only for around $5. I have an LL Bean skirt that I got there, it's awesome. Also landed a pair of Rocket Dog shoes for $5, Red Wing hiking boots for my husband for same, etc.

I got a giggle on the "I can't wait to show you Monhegan" one.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:30 AM on December 13, 2012

[If you have a question for the mods, please use the contact form or go to MetaTalk please, thank you.]
posted by jessamyn at 9:32 AM on December 13, 2012

notyou: "Man I want this lobster out of my pants."

not gonna happen.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 9:33 AM on December 13, 2012 [10 favorites]

I love sweaters, and sex, and wood, and LL Bean.
posted by Mister_A at 9:44 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Dammit I like LL Bean and if shipping stuff to Sweden wasn't so expensive I would actually buy their stuff

Land's End not a suitable substitute, or am I barking up the wrong tree?
posted by MartinWisse at 9:46 AM on December 13, 2012

I might order one of these if I didn't already have a perfectly good golden retriever.
posted by FelliniBlank at 9:46 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was expecting slightly rougher trade, or maybe, for a Yankee Magazine vibe, some young Chris Kimball types (now THAT, with the Tumblr caption, would have been funny). Didn't LL Bean used to be, well, plainer?
posted by Currer Belfry at 9:47 AM on December 13, 2012

How much do you suppose the shipping charge is for a Nathan, size 34"waist?
-Don't forget to specify the inseam measurement too.
Is that 'from the floor'?
posted by MtDewd at 9:47 AM on December 13, 2012

Oh, that's an excellent point. Am I still allowed to objectify these guys if I hate lobster and all other seafood?
posted by elizardbits at 9:48 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Can I start the LL Girlfriend blog?

Lucy: "Coffee's brewing - have a seat. I'll start the pancakes right after I take this compost out back!"
posted by newdaddy at 9:53 AM on December 13, 2012 [5 favorites]

Your LL Bean boyfriend is for enjoying a late summer salad on the screened-in porch of your woodland cabin with the sound of loons playing in the background while you sip a tart but light local white wine out of mason jars.

Your Carhartt boyfriend is for downing half a bottle of jack cause you just got paid to make that fly run to bring supplies into Barrow before the terminal snow and you're distracting yourself from the smell of bearfat pervading every inch of the cabin.
posted by The Whelk at 9:53 AM on December 13, 2012 [13 favorites]

Your Cabela Boyfriend will never be found on the couch.
posted by Kabanos at 9:56 AM on December 13, 2012 [10 favorites]

I am sick and tired of the media's unrealistic expectations of men. I have to be able to sand stuff now?

Those guys all need to eat a sandwitch.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:57 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

As someone who grew up in the wealthy suburb of Duxbury, Massachusetts this hits a little bit too close to home for comfort.
posted by Scientist at 9:58 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

The Whelk: "Get thee to an outlet, load up on indestructible undergarments and ever buy another white or black t-shirt again! "

Never buy something from LL Bean because it's ugly-but-cheap, or might look dated in a few years.

That ugly dress shirt will stay with you for the rest of your life, and you will never be able to bring yourself to get rid of it.
posted by schmod at 9:59 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

You'll never see your Cabela boyfriend until it's too late.
posted by The Whelk at 10:00 AM on December 13, 2012 [10 favorites]

Don't get distracted, Scientist. After all, we have to go to the pier and mend some nets before we take the wifes for couples massages.

(Hauberk Sweater, Olive Green or Gunmetal, $185.⁰⁰)
posted by boo_radley at 10:01 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

(quadruples massage?)
posted by boo_radley at 10:04 AM on December 13, 2012

Crouching lobster, hidden comfort.
posted by Pudhoho at 10:07 AM on December 13, 2012 [10 favorites]

The LL Bean boyfriend ship has sailed, and now I must make do with the Duluth Trading husband.

Tim emerged from the utility room, his work boots leaving waffly tracks of sludge on the hallway tile. "I got the wrong kind of washer, so I need to run up to the Home Depot again and pick up the other kind. I should be back in about an hour."

posted by drlith at 10:13 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Cabela's quality took a hit like a decade ago, and AFAIK hasn't ever bounced back.

LL Bean. Yeah. Me too.
posted by mikelieman at 10:18 AM on December 13, 2012

Well, kudos to the LL Bean marketing department.
posted by TwelveTwo at 10:29 AM on December 13, 2012

Casual Male Ex still feels guilty and a little lost when he didn't migrate your contact over to the new iPhone.
posted by Slap*Happy at 10:35 AM on December 13, 2012

Your Hair... it's perfect.
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:42 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

This needs to be mashed up with the Bon Iver Erotic Stories tumblr.
posted by jonp72 at 10:46 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Fun fact: The "LL" stands for Leon Leonwood [Bean], the founder. I know I would use my initials if that were my name, too.

I love LL Bean, and one of my greatest childhood memories is my father bringing me there on the way to a fishing trip when I was 12. It was our first big freshwater fishing trip and he fully outfitted me, which was basically the greatest thing ever.

I wouldn't flatter myself and say I'm among the ranks with these guys, but I do love sweaters, I can (and do) build furniture (as a too-infrequent hobby), and my wife may or may not benefit.
posted by staccato signals of constant information at 10:50 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

I remember looking through Bean's catalogues back in the 70's. The quality of the photos was pretty bad, and Bean employees modeled the clothes. Yes, Currer Belfry, 'plain' is a euphemism for what it was then.
posted by wryly at 11:08 AM on December 13, 2012

Your Carhartt boyfriend is mostly unimpressed.
Oh hell yes.

LL Bean women's solid-colored T-shirts are about 3-4 times as expensive as T-shirts from Target, But will last at least twice as long (not sure exactly how long; haven't had one wear out yet), and will keep their shape and color the whole time. But if I ever buy LL Bean pants, just shoot me, please?
posted by BrashTech at 11:21 AM on December 13, 2012

"Lord deliver me from LL Bean."
posted by The Whelk at 11:22 AM on December 13, 2012

This silver fox is my favorite from the Land's End catalog. Last year he had a mustache which made me love him a little less. But he's back to his normal foxiness now (although he's kinda derpy in this image.)

But I may have found a new love: Not afraid to wear a union suit man.
posted by vespabelle at 11:33 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

The "LL" stands for Leon Leonwood [Bean], the founder.

He was at one point a member of a gun club that I was part of, in central Maine. They had a framed letter from him on the wall, sent on LLB corporate letterhead (so this was after he'd made good), communicating his regrets for missing the annual potluck or something similar.

Some of the old guys remembered him, or claimed to. Shrewd businessman but generally reported to be a nice guy.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:33 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

I went looking to see if we could upscale this with guys from Orvis, but sadly they don't see to use models other than this poor man's Joe Biden.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:40 AM on December 13, 2012

wryly: glad my nostalgia for the '70's didn't lead me too far astray!

A Londoner on the decline of L.L. Bean.
posted by Currer Belfry at 11:43 AM on December 13, 2012

Land's End Boyfriend's "Quick View" is apparently Top Rated!

"Sure, you can have a quick view, but baby, it's cold outside. Don't forget to factor in the shrinkage!"
posted by drlith at 11:48 AM on December 13, 2012

50 Shades of Plaid
posted by blue_beetle at 11:53 AM on December 13, 2012 [7 favorites]

LL Beanfriend will only have sex with you lovingly, next to a fire.
posted by Katine at 12:02 PM on December 13, 2012

I went looking to see if we could upscale this with guys from Orvis, but sadly they don't see to use models other than this poor man's Joe Biden.

You're looking at the wrong catalog.
posted by FelliniBlank at 12:55 PM on December 13, 2012

You're looking at the wrong catalog.

My father-in-law has a framed picture from the Orvis dog catalog in his bathroom.

That is the whitest sentence I will ever write.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:57 PM on December 13, 2012 [11 favorites]

Bulgaroktonos: "My father-in-law has a framed picture from the Orvis dog catalog in his bathroom."

This is insane. Can we see it? I want to see it.
posted by boo_radley at 1:08 PM on December 13, 2012 [6 favorites]

I was idly looking at the Duluth website today. Not only do they have tee shirts marketed to hide plumber's butt (they are longer), but they have a line of jeans call "ballroom." Duluth men are rockin it hardcore.
posted by SweetTeaAndABiscuit at 3:11 PM on December 13, 2012

I actually owned this sweater or one exactly like it (from L.L. Bean) when I met my wife, and if I'd ever put my arm around her while wearing it she would have ripped my arm off in an attempt to destroy the sweater

Blandly inoffensive as that sweater looks (I mean, it's a gray henley, basically, not some ugly sweater contest winner), I have trouble understanding this story.

I don't like the cut of most of Bean's clothes, but I've owned a pair of their duckboots for decades. Love 'em.
posted by octobersurprise at 4:38 PM on December 13, 2012

I think this calls for a revival of Items From Our Catalog.
posted by Orinda at 5:01 PM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

I don't know what to tell you, I just showed my wife that sweater and she visibly cringed remembering it. Some people hate inoffensive things.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 6:44 PM on December 13, 2012

I think this calls for a revival of Items From Our Catalog.

That was a huge favorite in our house where back to school shopping meant putting everyone in the car and going up to Maine to go to Freeport/Beans because that's where you got clothes with the lifetime guarantee. Me and my sister would hide out in the tents section and pretend to take naps and my dad would mess with some interminable number of fly fishing rods and eventually we'd go home with a few new pairs of khakis and those sweaters with the little upside down Vs on them and that would be good along with The Gap [back when it was for jeans] pants and t-shirts for another year. It was sort of comforting, having a regional uniform.
posted by jessamyn at 6:58 PM on December 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

But still no edible moccasins
posted by The Whelk at 7:02 PM on December 13, 2012

Apparently yourbeangirlfriend.tumblr.com is reserved but not in use yet. (Big sigh.)
posted by newdaddy at 7:43 PM on December 13, 2012

great, now I'm listening to bon iver
posted by flaterik at 8:01 PM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

The Whelk: "You'll never see your Cabela boyfriend until it's too late."

You can always tell a Milford man...
posted by schmod at 10:03 PM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

newdaddy: "Apparently yourbeangirlfriend.tumblr.com is reserved but not in use yet. "

Out of context, I'd guess that URL would point to a tumblr blog that is the gender inverse of Feminist Ryan Gosling, but has Rowan Atkinson's face photoshopped onto all of the women.
posted by schmod at 10:07 PM on December 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

L. L. Bean? Forget that. I still fondly remember the dudes of my one-year subscription to Details Magazine. Ho-wa.
posted by Twang at 11:33 PM on December 13, 2012

I don't know what it is but this is the funniest things. The text below the men is especially killing me right now. It's just the packaging is so right. It hits all the right notes... conspicuous consumption, athleticism, family values (these men all love their families!), and food. Some part of me is so attracted and repulsed to this all at once.
posted by kettleoffish at 8:32 AM on December 14, 2012

Having spent my whole life making fun of my parents for buying all of their clothes at Bean's, I find this both hilarious and terrifying. My dad, just for the record, does not look like one of these men. But he does appreciate comfortable clothing that will essentially last forever.
posted by dizziest at 3:32 PM on December 22, 2012