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Um, Dad? Can you give me a ride?
March 11, 2013 4:30 PM   Subscribe

Of all the things to livetweet, a trip to the hospital with a dildo stuck in your rear would have to be the pinnacle of TMI. "What did you do last night" "I shoved a dildo up my ass and needed the hospital to extract it" "oh man me too"
posted by QuakerMel (135 comments total) 33 users marked this as a favorite

 
Just to say it one. more. time.

Everything that goes in there should have a flared base. Use lots of lube. Never, ever put glass bottles in your body.

These are, however, some of the most fun EMT calls.
posted by poe at 4:37 PM on March 11, 2013 [41 favorites]


Wow. And ouch.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:39 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think someone has inserted a dildo into the innards of the website, because it appears to be down.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:45 PM on March 11, 2013


Well, *that*'s something.
posted by notsnot at 4:47 PM on March 11, 2013


A friend of mine was a nurse in the x-ray department and one of her favorite things to do at parties was show the x-ray that she stole from the office of the guy that stuck a pair of tweezers up his urethra. It never failed to get the desired response.
posted by empath at 4:48 PM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


This has evidently done wonders for @grawley's noteriety. The original article clocks his follower count in at 2,600 at the time of posting, but he is now approaching 10K.
posted by hwestiii at 4:50 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I found this more curious than funny, until I got to this tweet: "Oh and also about four people tried to listen to my chest with a stethoscope. “Wait what’s that sound?” “I-it’s still on.”"
posted by gladly at 4:52 PM on March 11, 2013 [35 favorites]


Oh my.
posted by limeonaire at 4:53 PM on March 11, 2013


Yes! :D
posted by turgid dahlia 2 at 4:53 PM on March 11, 2013


These are, however, some of the most fun EMT calls.
posted by poe


As an EMT, most of the stuff I've seen stuck in peoples bodies is some sort of impalement... none of them tweeted about it as far as I know. Although I did when I tore my big toe almost completely off a while back.
posted by blaneyphoto at 4:53 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


This has evidently done wonders for @grawley's noteriety. The original article clocks his follower count in at 2,600 at the time of posting, but he is now approaching 10K.

Great now he'll have to get larger and larger objects stuck up his ass just to keep up with demand.
posted by The Whelk at 4:56 PM on March 11, 2013 [45 favorites]


You know, if you're going to fuck up and fuck up big, you might as well own it.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:56 PM on March 11, 2013 [32 favorites]


I too was bemused, until I saw the picture of the television advertising Colon Flow. Now, I. can't. stop. laughing.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 4:58 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


"#6. Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum."

(Yes, it's from "Things I Learned From My Patients". WARNING: do not, under any circumstances, click on the link if you want to do anything other than read this board for the rest of the night.)
posted by The Bellman at 4:59 PM on March 11, 2013 [36 favorites]


wait, how do i get the storify? i r dumb, or it's not loading properly...
posted by cendawanita at 5:01 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Really? 15 comments in and no one's said...

Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:01 PM on March 11, 2013 [33 favorites]


Yeah, really, assume that if it might get lost up there, there is a chance it can get lost. I've seen those really long double-ended dildos nearly disappear before.

Use common sense, people. Flared bottom, or at the very least never letting the last fistful of whatever out of your hand.
posted by hippybear at 5:05 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


[Maybe not a place to start seeing if "butthurt" is okay here? There is an open thread in MeTa as you know.]
posted by jessamyn at 5:07 PM on March 11, 2013 [8 favorites]


You know, if you're going to fuck up and fuck up big, you might as well own it.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:56 PM on March 11 [1 favorite +] [!]


When I was 21 or so I got introduced to a guy named Beat-off. He offered his hand to shake, I declined.
posted by Sebmojo at 5:11 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Everything that goes in there should have a flared base.

But what if I don't have anything with a flared base? And I want to shove something up my ass now?
posted by thelonius at 5:14 PM on March 11, 2013 [7 favorites]


This reminds me of what a friend of mine once said to me of his dildo purchase gone wrong: "I guess my eyes were bigger than my asshole!"
posted by invitapriore at 5:15 PM on March 11, 2013 [25 favorites]


Wow. Every doctor has a story like this, but I have never seen it live-tweeted, that 's for sure.

(for the record, my story is about the guy with a wooden dowel from a footstool lost up his ass; he declined to be admitted for observation after it was retrieved. my intern was so apologetic about calling me; I was like "are you kidding? this will be the highlight of morning report").

Corollary story...when I did a trauma rotation at a busy city hospital during my training years, we had to have a rule regarding foreign objects. If you had an issue from swallowing a non-food item, you went to regular general surgery. If you were there because you inserted something per rectum, you went to trauma surgery.
posted by maryrussell at 5:17 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Not on *my* bucket list.
posted by Ardiril at 5:21 PM on March 11, 2013


These are, however, some of the most fun EMT calls.

A friend of mine is currently studying to be an EMT and linked me to this the other day saying only "I can't wait to pass my exams."
posted by griphus at 5:22 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


That'll be a fun Google search next time someone wants to date him.
posted by arcticseal at 5:24 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


This link is pre-ShadyURLed. Convenient!
posted by brundlefly at 5:24 PM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


The picture of the hospital x-ray CD says "Hunterdon Healthcare: Your full circle of care". Is this a specialty clinic?
posted by me & my monkey at 5:24 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Wow. And ouch.

Wouch.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:28 PM on March 11, 2013 [10 favorites]


Actually the part of this that gives me the most OMG reaction is this:

"grawly im kind of curious about how you got to your hospital like did you have to wake your parents"

" just my dad. I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be SOL in regards to insurance and whatnot"

WAIT - He had to TELL HIS DAD? I try to imagine ever having to do that and, AEEEEEE!!
posted by dnash at 5:30 PM on March 11, 2013


A friend of mine was a nurse in the x-ray department and one of her favorite things to do at parties was show the x-ray that she stole from the office of the guy that stuck a pair of tweezers up his urethra. It never failed to get the desired response.

Ain't no party like the "how the fuck did he do that, and why the fuck do you carry the fucking x-ray every with you?" party.

The worst part is when half the people at the party have already seen the x-ray, because now they'll expect you to top it somehow. "That old thing? I saw it a month ago. Do you have any other genital self-mutilation?"
posted by filthy light thief at 5:31 PM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


what what!

in the butt.
posted by GuyZero at 5:32 PM on March 11, 2013 [9 favorites]


He seems like a nice guy. Very open and accommodating.
posted by Curious Artificer at 5:32 PM on March 11, 2013 [20 favorites]


[...] the guy that stuck a pair of tweezers up his urethra. It never failed to get the desired response.

I will tell you that I was chomping along on a Thin Mint and when I read your comment my jaws instantly ceased motion and I'm pretty sure my pupils dilated. It's rare that a comment stops me in my tracks, especially here on MetaFilter. Well done.
posted by komara at 5:35 PM on March 11, 2013 [12 favorites]


is she tolerating your constant tweeting finished me off.

wait, no: what are you going to do now that you are internet famous for getting a dildo stuck in ... — im goig 2 disney world
posted by boo_radley at 5:35 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


This guy is surely some kind of hero. He took a situation that would have mortified most people (I'm tempted to say literally) and he spun it into gold.
posted by Flashman at 5:38 PM on March 11, 2013


So is that a positive Throckmorton sign?
posted by the man of twists and turns at 5:39 PM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Two weeks from now this guy will be in a TV studio saying "Oh yeah Jon, it was still vibrating" and we'll all still be here.
posted by localroger at 5:42 PM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


I hate when that happens.
posted by lathrop at 5:42 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


A friend of mine was a nurse in the x-ray department and one of her favorite things to do at parties was show the x-ray that she stole from the office of the guy that stuck a pair of tweezers up his urethra. It never failed to get the desired response.

One of my BFFs was a Paramedic back when she and I first met. She called me one day to tell me about a call that she got. Dispatcher said that someone who was impaled needed transport to the hospital. She was surprised when a bathrobe clad guy met her and her partner at the door; normally impalement calls are people who fell off of ladders onto fences, kids who fell out of trees onto something pointy, etc.,. So he gets into the rig and she starts asking him questions - where is the injury, how did it happen, ... and the guy opens his robe. You know those long metal picks that come with the nutcracker in a holiday nut basket? Yeah, he had about 4 - 5 of those stuck up his urethra. She made a career change and is very happy with what she's doing. I'm very happy for her but man, I miss hearing those stories. Never got old.
posted by echolalia67 at 5:43 PM on March 11, 2013


Yeah, I once had a beer with an ER nurse who confided that they kept a collection of interesting x-rays. His personal favorite was a pint canning jar.
posted by middleclasstool at 5:46 PM on March 11, 2013


Needs more flange.
posted by dash_slot- at 5:50 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I just want to high-five the parents for raising a kid to be unashamed of his sexuality and trusting of his relationship with his parents. Need more like them.
posted by rtha at 5:56 PM on March 11, 2013 [61 favorites]


My best friends brother in law is a surgeon. On his stint in ER during training they had a little boy admitted because he had shoved a wood screw up his urethra. That sounds pretty bad on its own, but then the reason they couldn't get it out was they only had the pointy end showing. He'd stuck it in there head first.

He told the story at a sizeable family dinner, and according to reports the only other male not squirming was the patriarch (a GP) who thought it was immensely amusing. I'm crossing my legs just telling the story.
posted by Brockles at 6:01 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


I have a weird sort of respect for this guy. I mean, it's definitely an massive overshare, but wow. Mad props.
posted by asnider at 6:03 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


You know, if you're going to fuck up and fuck up big, you might as well own it.
AND have a sense of humor about it: on the road to nirvana, man. Be able to see yourself as the butt of your own joke and take it with grace.

>is she tolerating your constant tweeting?

I didn't tweet in front of her (im polite dildo patient)
This guy is golden, as are the ER staff.
posted by smirkette at 6:03 PM on March 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


A friend of mine was a nurse in the x-ray department and one of her favorite things to do at parties was show the x-ray that she stole from the office of the guy that stuck a pair of tweezers up his urethra. It never failed to get the desired response.

Apparently, this is a sexual act known as 'sounding'. Some start out by 'training' the urethra by using 'sounds' (long thin and very smooth objects). Those who do this? Are sometimes referred to as 'sounders'.

So when an acquaintance heard that the professional soccer team here in Seattle is called 'Seattle Sounders FC', I could read their shock through the forum message boards. "That's the sickest name for a sports team I've ever heard." was the exact quote, I believe. However, it makes the supporters song "I'm a Sounder! I'm seldom sober!" oh, so much more fun to sing on Match Day.
posted by spinifex23 at 6:09 PM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


He seems like a nice guy. Very open and accommodating.

I don't know. Seems a little anal retentive to me.
posted by yoink at 6:09 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


You know how when you talk into an electric fan, and it makes your voice sound kinda like an old-school Cylon?

I imagine he sounded like that until the batteries wore out.
posted by zippy at 6:10 PM on March 11, 2013 [9 favorites]


WARNING: do not, under any circumstances

Agreed, but thanks for reminding me that I'm behind (heh) on my reading...

This stuff always reminds me of a great article in The Lancet or NEJM several decades ago about a bunch of cases where middle-aged men in dressing gowns offered extremely entertaining excuses explanations about why their penises had become caught in vacuum cleaners.
posted by sneebler at 6:12 PM on March 11, 2013


Reminiscent of that Fark thread where a guy managed to wedge his "gentleman's vegetables" a chair, and turned to Fark for help.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 6:12 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm not entirely joking here - I wonder how much it would cut down on ER visits for these types of things if there were like, government-subsidized ass toys. Every time I read one of these stories I'm like, don't you know there are things made for this specific purpose?
posted by desjardins at 6:16 PM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


I dson't know how a dude who livetweets a dedildoing can manage to pull off a frosty burn like this on Phil Fish
posted by boo_radley at 6:20 PM on March 11, 2013 [8 favorites]


You would think someone would have built one with a lanyard on it, to spare customers such embarrassments.
posted by dunkadunc at 6:20 PM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


I think this guy's just a shill for Big Dildo.
posted by elephantday at 6:23 PM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


government-subsidized ass toys

BAND NAME! Sure to win a Juno, too.
posted by maudlin at 6:29 PM on March 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


This story is a bunch of cock-a-maim-me.
*shows self door*
posted by phaedon at 6:32 PM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


Except for the live tweeting part which is entirely a product of our warped culture, this is old hat ER stuff. My cousin Bill did his ER stint twenty-some-odd years ago when he was becoming a doctor and people wandered in with all sorts of stupid things wedged back there - broken broom handles, cooking oil bottles, you name it. I just wonder what people did before they could go to the ER.
posted by PuppyCat at 6:36 PM on March 11, 2013


I just wonder what people did before they could go to the ER.

Died of embarrassment, like god intended.
posted by Diablevert at 6:39 PM on March 11, 2013 [12 favorites]


MetaFilter: never letting the last fistful of whatever out of your hand.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:43 PM on March 11, 2013 [7 favorites]


He did it to himself, he did. And that's what really hurts.
posted by nuala at 6:47 PM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


A friend of mine is currently studying to be an EMT and linked me to this the other day saying only "I can't wait to pass my exams."

And you admonished him for putting them up there in the first place, right?
posted by ODiV at 6:54 PM on March 11, 2013 [59 favorites]


He seems like a nice guy. Very open and accommodating.
posted by Curious Orificer

Indeed.
posted by umbú at 6:56 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I feel badly for the ER people, living vicariously through their x-rays.
posted by thelonius at 6:59 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Many years ago I was a proofreader for a medical journal. We kept a file of the more gruesome and/or entertaining case reports that had been submitted for publication. Amidst such knee-slappers as "Efficacy of Intercessory Prayer in a Coronary Care Unit Population" and "Use of Medicinal Leeches to Regulate Blood Flow in Facial Reconstructive Surgery" was a report of an elderly gentleman who showed up at his local emergency room with an economy-sized peanut butter jar lodged in his rectum. He claimed he had "slipped in the shower while washing his dog". The author of the report detailed how the jar was removed (the jar was first filled with a quick-setting expanding foam to prevent it from breaking and causing serious lacerations, then a tube was inserted past the obstruction and air was pumped in. This insufflation caused the jar to pop out like a champagne cork.). Then the author noted that the gentleman's story was likely false, as to work such an object into one's posterior likely required YEARS of practice and conditioning.....

The report was accompanied by x-rays. Truly the human body is a marvel.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 7:09 PM on March 11, 2013 [9 favorites]


Reminiscent of that Fark thread where a guy managed to wedge his "gentleman's vegetables" a chair, and turned to Fark for help.

I remember that one, and it was one of the greatest threads Fark ever had. I went back to it some time later and was sad to see that all of the images (reaction gifs, memes, etc) had expired out of their respective image dumps. Several of us in the office followed it live that day and there was much howling and guffaws.
posted by jquinby at 7:10 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


The report was accompanied by x-rays.

So very very sad we don't have a full-motion fluoroscope of this, actually.
posted by hippybear at 7:16 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


A co-worker once told me one of those "I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who..." stories about this kind of thing - a man who turned up in an emergency room in hysterics, and naked, and with an entire television vacuum tube sticking out of his ass. He ran around screaming, clearly distraught, and the staff had to chase him around to a) get a blanket over him for modesty's sake, and b) get him to calm down long enough to tell him what the hell happened. They got him calm and still, but he was still shaken, so they were giving him a chance to collect himself before they started asking him. But after a couple minutes he started screaming again, and took off running again, and ran out the door into the street - where he promptly got hit by a truck and killed.

My co-worker said that the staff of this ER was torn between shock and horror at the man's death - and disappointment that "dammit, now we'll NEVER know what the fuck was up with that".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:20 PM on March 11, 2013 [8 favorites]


Probably just having troubles with his reception, I've had to do stuff like that before.
posted by turgid dahlia 2 at 7:27 PM on March 11, 2013 [31 favorites]


There's a paper that made its rounds in medical school entitled, from what I recall, "Rectal Foreign Bodies," which summarized the various foreign bodies found, dangers to health and life, and methods of removal. I did a brief search, but can't find the same paper.

It included, amongst the "usual" items, things like luggage keys and quick-dry concrete. The paper went into considerable detail about the concrete cast and how it was a marvel of medicine, providing the first-ever life model of the interior of the rectum/colon.

Hopefully (or maybe not), someone can find and link the article.

There's also an apocryphal story I heard about a patient who inserted a light bulb. The bulb broke. He went to surgery. The surgeon had to meticulously find and reconstruct the entire light build to ensure that there were no missing pieces of glass that could cause injury/laceration/bleeding.

And to any skeptics out there: yes, these events happen. I personally attended, briefly, to a patient who had a Nokia in nature's pocket. Yes, it still worked. Yes, it is possible to hear the buzz of such a phone, ringing in vibrate-only mode.
posted by herrdoktor at 7:30 PM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


I have a surgeon friend whose specialist subject is literally this. BOTTLES BAD.

He has seen a case that involved a squash. Also another with squash balls.
posted by Drexen at 7:30 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


So, you doctor and paramedic types, how often does this kind of case come in? Is it a once-a-year thing or a once-a-week thing?
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:34 PM on March 11, 2013


nature's pocket

why have I never heard this before

I feel like I have been waiting so long
posted by en forme de poire at 7:35 PM on March 11, 2013 [34 favorites]


Would it have killed him to use Instagram?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:39 PM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


He did it to himself, he did. And that's what really hurts.

And not just the shoving the dildo up his ass either. Dude has now shared this with every coworker, relative, and future date ever. I can kinda understand the urge to brag about your something stupid, but....

Well, some things should not be shared permanently with the Internet these days, because you'll never hear the end of it. *ba-dum-bump*
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:39 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I've been working on a piece for the follow-up second book to my as-yet unpublished first book, a little ditty about my childhood Lolito period, and among the other horrors I go into, there are the matters of a flashlight battery I lost up a friend (a D cell, no less) and the consequences of putting a travel-size bottle of mint mouthwash up my own backside with the cap a bit looser than it should have been (I'd since figured out how to easily remove such things by that point, but whoooo minty!).

Fortunately, my mother can't figure out how to read metafilter, so I don't mind a bit of oversharing, so you can listen to me prattle on endlessly on a podcast about these horrors for over an hour:

They Don't Know How To Act, Episode 3 with [your pal, sonascope]

It goes without saying it's sort of not safe for listening in almost any social environment.

I discuss the missing battery starting at 30:45, the minty moment at 36:12, and I forget where it is, but I discuss just how I determined that Tesla coils and the human penis don't mix.

I never ended up in a medical setting, but it was almost certainly just luck.
posted by sonascope at 7:40 PM on March 11, 2013 [18 favorites]


At first I thought this was the same guy as here, but no, it's ANOTHER guy who got a vibrating dildo stuck up his butt and had to tell his parents. NSFW! Oh ha, and now that my husband has sent me the link, I see it's a comment in the Reddit thread about the original guy.
posted by Specklet at 7:41 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


A co-worker once told me one of those "I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who..." stories about this kind of thing - a man who turned up in an emergency room in hysterics, and naked, and with an entire television vacuum tube sticking out of his ass. He ran around screaming, clearly distraught, and the staff had to chase him around to a) get a blanket over him for modesty's sake, and b) get him to calm down long enough to tell him what the hell happened. They got him calm and still, but he was still shaken, so they were giving him a chance to collect himself before they started asking him. But after a couple minutes he started screaming again, and took off running again, and ran out the door into the street - where he promptly got hit by a truck and killed.

And Friends, the story is true, I know,
because I was that man with the vacuum tube sticking out of his ass.</Tex Ritter>
posted by mazola at 7:44 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


en forme de poire: "nature's pocket

why have I never heard this before

I feel like I have been waiting so long
"

just don't let anybody pick your pocket.
posted by boo_radley at 7:45 PM on March 11, 2013


don't let just anybody pick your pocket

FIFY
posted by hippybear at 7:47 PM on March 11, 2013 [20 favorites]


youre my favorite hippybear
posted by boo_radley at 7:48 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


whoooo minty!

And now sonascope can truthfully claim his shit don't stink.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:49 PM on March 11, 2013 [8 favorites]


Wow, this far down and no one has mentioned Jackass, Ryan Dunn, or the toy car?
posted by tservo at 7:57 PM on March 11, 2013


i seem to have lost my dignity, can you find it (it is in my butt)
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 8:05 PM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


He did it to himself, he did. And that's what really hurts.

So I guess we know what the dude was saying in that video that made everyone fall down.
posted by Artw at 8:08 PM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


And to any skeptics out there: yes, these events happen. I personally attended, briefly, to a patient who had a Nokia in nature's pocket. Yes, it still worked. Yes, it is possible to hear the buzz of such a phone, ringing in vibrate-only mode.

Patsy knows what's up.
posted by Diablevert at 8:16 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Why wouldn't things just .... work out naturally?
posted by Joe in Australia at 8:20 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Wait. Wait. Wait. So you're saying that, in your group of interested friends... You don't have various forceps? Long and thin. And the ones with wide tips and teeth? And the slim ones with pointy things?

And you don't have a small pharmacy of muscle relaxing drugs? And maybe some Xanax or Valium?

And you can't tell me that you do not have a huge supply of Lidocane!!

What are you? Savages?
posted by Splunge at 8:47 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


RIP @Grawly died of dildo stuck in ass but fear not friend, this is how gods are born
Sounds plausible.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:49 PM on March 11, 2013


It is possible to specialize as the removing things from people's asses surgeon.

We are a spectacularly accomplished species.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:57 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Obviously this was not done for happy fun times (maybe, I was a weird kid) but when I was about 2 my mum got worried because I was wondering around the house on my hands and knees with my bum up in the air for hours and wouldn't sit down. One quick trip to the doctor and the removal of a small plastic soldier later, life was relatively normal again.

The main thing was, this was one better than my brother who, at around the same age, had a disgusting odor coming from his nose and was discovered to have a few chicken bones lodged up there.
posted by h00py at 8:59 PM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


Did they ever find the rest of the chicken?
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:00 PM on March 11, 2013 [18 favorites]


Siss boom bah!
posted by h00py at 9:00 PM on March 11, 2013


Siss boom bah!

"The noise a sheep makes when it explodes." - Carnac The Magnificent
posted by hippybear at 9:04 PM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


Ouch. I'm having painful flashbacks of laying in a hospital peeing through a tube a few years ago.

I arrived in SF for a contract job that day. I felt sick the night before and vomited, but I flew anyway. When I arrived, I felt pretty bad and wasn't able to pee. I still went to work, but after an hour I was so sick I had to be rushed to the hospital. The first thing they did was insert a catheter. I'll never forget the pain. Turns out I had an E. Coli infection, which ended up in my prostate. I spent almost a week on IV antibiotics & peeing through a tube.
posted by mike3k at 9:08 PM on March 11, 2013


I bet he could sing just like Stevie Nicks!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:12 PM on March 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


But what if I don't have anything with a flared base? And I want to shove something up my ass now?

I'm am picturing a series of people, frantically rooting through desks, kitchen drawers, and medicine cabinets, all with epic, frustrated, 'I'm mad as hell' looks on their faces, shot in that black and white video infomercial-dystopia-world all in desperate need of an 'object with a flared base'.

I consider myself a lucky man that it was THAT image that first appeared in my mind out of all possible images.
posted by chambers at 9:12 PM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


> Be able to see yourself as the butt of your own joke [...]

Phrasing!
posted by sourcequench at 9:31 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Rectal Impaction Following Enema with Concrete Mix

Colorectal foreign bodies: a systematic review

posted by Hollywood Upstairs Medical College at 9:43 PM on March 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


I do kind of wonder if the prostate stimulation ended up being really uncomfortable, since overstimulation can cause sensitivity. Oh good grief, I am trying to word this right in this thread. :/

In the throes of passion, people do many unusual things. The infamous Vaseline question comes to mind.
posted by annsunny at 9:44 PM on March 11, 2013


The Bellman: "(Yes, it's from "Things I Learned From My Patients". WARNING: do not, under any circumstances, click on the link if you want to do anything other than read this board for the rest of the night.)"

That board is amusing, but it's also pretty packed with racism and classism. I get that MDs need to blow off steam, but there's a pretty fine line between that and just plain despising your patients.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 9:47 PM on March 11, 2013 [12 favorites]


Seinfeld already covered this material in the proctologist episode.
posted by ceribus peribus at 10:09 PM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Need animated xray gif of device vibrating en cavitas (or however one would say it in Latin. Bonus points if it was one of those twisty snakelike ones with beads.
posted by ShutterBun at 10:18 PM on March 11, 2013


Rectal Impaction Following Enema with Concrete Mix

Colorectal foreign bodies: a systematic review

posted by Hollywood Upstairs Medical College


Epony...yeah.
posted by ShutterBun at 10:19 PM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


It is possible to specialize as the removing things from people's asses surgeon.

It must be difficult, considering how all the patients are asssymptomatic.
posted by zippy at 11:13 PM on March 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


"Things I Learned From My Patients". WARNING: do not, under any circumstances, click on the link if you want to do anything other than read this board for the rest of the night."

I'm up to "clap in his colostomy". Might be time to call it a day.
posted by moorooka at 12:08 AM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


This, of course, alludes to you: "i seem to have lost my dignity, can you find it (it is in my butt)"

Well, I could, if it was still vibrating.
posted by Samizdata at 1:24 AM on March 12, 2013


Public service announcement: Here are some dildos that are made for prostate massage that have either flared bases or something good to grab onto: Self Serve Toys, Babeland, Amazon.
posted by NoraReed at 3:03 AM on March 12, 2013


Tempted to browse over there, just to see what else Amazon recommends for me
posted by thelonius at 4:01 AM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


desjardins: "I wonder how much it would cut down on ER visits for these types of things if there were like, government-subsidized ass toys."

Didn't you sign up for your Obama Plug yet?
posted by idiopath at 6:11 AM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


Now he has about 10,000 subscribers.

"I was just kidding about the dildo stuck in the ass....
What I really wanted to talk about was long-term investment planning!"

posted by markkraft at 6:28 AM on March 12, 2013


"I was just kidding about the dildo stuck in the ass....
What I really wanted to talk about was long-term investment planning!"


....Hell with Twitter, I think this guy needs an account here.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:41 AM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]


Well, I could, if it was still vibrating.
:(
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 7:00 AM on March 12, 2013


"#6. Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum."

It was a million-to-one shot, doc. Million-to-one.
posted by dlugoczaj at 7:08 AM on March 12, 2013


The picture of the hospital x-ray CD says "Hunterdon Healthcare: Your full circle of care". Is this a specialty clinic?

He's at Hunterdon Medical Center, a small/medium size hospital (<200 beds) just outside of Flemington, NJ, the nearest hospital to where I grew up, which gave me an extra chuckle once I clicked on the link - Pretty sure my Mom (a retired RN) still has friends who work there.
posted by jalexei at 7:40 AM on March 12, 2013


He's at Hunterdon Medical Center, a small/medium size hospital just outside of Flemington

Oh yeah, it's a small town. He's gonna want to avoid ShopRite for a while.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 10:27 AM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]


During my first month of surgery internship, I was on the trauma service. When people come in after they've been in serious car accidents, we automatically get chest and pelvis x-rays of them. Imagine our surprise when we saw this. It turned out to be a crackpipe that she was hiding from the cops and rescue workers. There was a bet as to which orifice it was in - a pelvic CT revealed that it was not the rectum.
posted by robstercraw at 11:12 AM on March 12, 2013


Metafilter: ". . , whooooo minty!"
posted by Faintdreams at 11:38 AM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm most interested in what dear old Dad said.

"Son, you need a boyfriend."

"Son, after you have that dildo pulled out of your butt, we are going to have a long talk about the decisions you're making in life."

"Son, what the hell has gotten into you lately? Bwahahaha."

"Son, when you told me you were gay, I accepted and understood. But I won't accept you being one of the dumbest gay men walking God's green earth. Jesus. Start spending time with intelligent gay men. Haven't you learned anything?"

"Son, so now I'm going to have to lay awake at night wondering if you're going to come and tell me you have something stuck up your ass? I can't live like this."

"Son, I'm sorry, but I'm telling your mother. Maybe she can talk some sense into your dumb ass. Oops. What am I saying? Bwahahaha."

This thread is hilarious.
posted by TrolleyOffTheTracks at 1:18 PM on March 12, 2013 [9 favorites]


griphus: A friend of mine is currently studying to be an EMT and linked me to this the other day saying only "I can't wait to pass my exams."
I see what you did there.
posted by IAmBroom at 2:10 PM on March 12, 2013


I swear that was an accident. See I was reading MeFi in the shower and...
posted by griphus at 2:19 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


smirkette: Be able to see yourself as the butt of your own joke and take it with grace.
Are you guys doing this intentionally? Cuz if not, it's even funnier.
five fresh fish: It is possible to specialize as the removing things from people's asses surgeon.

We are a spectacularly accomplished species.
Meh. Your average run-of-the-mill tapeworm does as much.
posted by IAmBroom at 2:48 PM on March 12, 2013


And then there was the guy who was admitted with six small plastic toy horses lost up there.

A spokesman for the hospital described his condition as "stable".
posted by sourcequench at 4:09 PM on March 12, 2013 [19 favorites]


TrolleyOffTheTracks: "I'm most interested in what dear old Dad said.

"Son, you need a boyfriend."

"Son, after you have that dildo pulled out of your butt, we are going to have a long talk about the decisions you're making in life."

"Son, what the hell has gotten into you lately? Bwahahaha."

"Son, when you told me you were gay, I accepted and understood. But I won't accept you being one of the dumbest gay men walking God's green earth. Jesus. Start spending time with intelligent gay men. Haven't you learned anything?"

"Son, so now I'm going to have to lay awake at night wondering if you're going to come and tell me you have something stuck up your ass? I can't live like this."

"Son, I'm sorry, but I'm telling your mother. Maybe she can talk some sense into your dumb ass. Oops. What am I saying? Bwahahaha."

This thread is hilarious.
"

I heard this being delivered in Hank Hill's voice.
posted by ShawnStruck at 6:43 PM on March 12, 2013


I heard this being delivered in Hank Hill's voice.

I can totally see Bobby Hill being the subject of the OP.
posted by localroger at 6:54 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


Would it have killed him to use Instagram?!

No, but it would have wrecked 'em.
posted by radwolf76 at 7:25 PM on March 12, 2013


Would it have killed him to use Instagram?!

No, but it would have wrecked 'em.
posted by radwolf76 at 12:25 PM on March 13 [+] [!]


Wrecked 'em? Damn near colon!
posted by DoctorFedora at 7:37 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


And then there was the guy who was admitted with six small plastic toy horses lost up there.

That should not have happened: he would have had the trots.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:09 PM on March 12, 2013 [8 favorites]


At the very least, we can conclude that @grawley and others like him are deep thinkers who do not hesitate to plunge right in when confronted by a hard challenge that might knock a lesser man arse over tea kettle.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:19 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yes, they deserve their entry in the annals of medicine.
posted by Joe in Australia at 5:57 AM on March 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


TWinbrook8: "He's at Hunterdon Medical Center, a small/medium size hospital just outside of Flemington

Oh yeah, it's a small town. He's gonna want to avoid ShopRite for a while.
"

And the barbershop.
posted by Splunge at 6:30 AM on March 13, 2013


Everything that goes in there should have a flared base. Use lots of lube.

55 gallon barrel of personal lube now just $1,228.85
posted by homunculus at 4:36 PM on March 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


You're gonna want some plastic tarps with that.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:55 PM on March 15, 2013


get a case of vodka, and that sounds like a hell of a party
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:04 PM on March 17, 2013


Pro tip: Ensure everything has a flange.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:27 PM on March 17, 2013


Pro tip: Ensure everything has a flange.

Absolutely. Where would this song, for example, have been without it?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:03 PM on March 18, 2013


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