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Terminator vs Alien, and other unlikely death matches
May 4, 2013 6:29 PM   Subscribe

Who would win in a fight to the death between the original Terminator and the Alien Queen? One redditor has done the math and provided the definitive answer. The match-up was proposed by a small community on reddit called Who Would Win, which passionately discusses the probable outcomes of epic battles unlikely to make it to the big screen. Other popular head-to-heads include Batman vs James Bond, Professor Charles Xavier vs Freddy Krueger, a Jedi Knight vs four Daleks, and even Hobbes vs Snoopy.
posted by dontjumplarry (189 comments total) 25 users marked this as a favorite

 
So the World Wide Web Fight has been resurrected, at long last?
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 6:36 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


I hope they do Son Goku versus Superman. WWWF did that one but had a computer crash and lost all the votes, so there wasn't any outcome.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 6:41 PM on May 4, 2013


/u/CrotchMissile has, think, the better analysis.
posted by Jpfed at 6:42 PM on May 4, 2013


In general when characters with what amounts to invulnerability by narrative convention fight the come to a draw then beat up on a third party, cf. every team up comic ever.

Though really it depends who is writing it.

Really looking forwards to this battle, though I suspect the Martians are doomed from the start.
posted by Artw at 6:43 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Mr. Peanut vs Pop n' Fresh

STEVE: The classy Mr. Peanut is going to win this one.
BRIAN: You, sir, are completely insane.
posted by jcruelty at 6:43 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Typical, the old "the movies don't adequately demonstrate the Jedi's true power, you have to read the books" chestnut, heard that a million time.

No I am not going to read the books unless they have Daleks killing Jedis in them. Exterminate! Exterminate!
posted by Ad hominem at 6:43 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


MacGuyver vs the A-Team

"Steve, MacGyver has his place, but it's teaching high school chemistry, not in a death match with professionals like the A-Team."
posted by jcruelty at 6:45 PM on May 4, 2013


I like the Bert vs Ernie death match

Particularly this comment: "Ernie would be telling everyone else on the street that he fell into a doorknob to explain his black eye"
posted by dontjumplarry at 6:46 PM on May 4, 2013


I get that some Star Wars fans gave up on the prequels, but you can't say they aren't canon. Therefore, by saying that 4 Jedis would beat a Dalek, you're saying that the Clone Troppers are superior to the Daleks as well. And that's just fucking ridiculous.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:48 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


There was a Star Wars vs Warhammer one a while back in which StarvWars one because they have more reliable stardrives. Of course that's only true because they are in the Star Wars universe - in the Warhammer universe you try that without the guiding light of the Emperor and a hyperspace demon eats you.
posted by Artw at 6:49 PM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


I mean, you know what Order 66 of the Daleks is: EXTERMINATE.

(So are the first 65.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:49 PM on May 4, 2013 [18 favorites]


This is completely irrelevant to the interests of Metafilter as a community. Instead, we should all be deeply and emotionally invested in the Big Questions:

Ho'oodwin?

Jessamyn vs. Cortex!

Elizardbits vs. Sonascope!

ArtW vs. The Whelk!

(In short, Batman wins.)
posted by Slap*Happy at 6:54 PM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


I know what Order 66 is and I'm reading this on a Saturday night. What have I done with my life?
posted by Area Man at 6:56 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Death Star vs the Enterprise

(I always liked that one cos both sides ended up being like "are you f***ing crazy? OF COURSE the Death Star would win!!)
posted by jcruelty at 6:56 PM on May 4, 2013


This is completely irrelevant to the interests of Metafilter as a community. Instead, we should all be deeply and emotionally invested in the Big Questions:

Also:

I/P vs Use Of The Word Cisgendered

Circumcision vs Cat Declawing
posted by dontjumplarry at 6:57 PM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


This one is kind of interesting. Jaime Lannister vs Aragorn. Turns our GRRM addressed this issue and said Jaime would win, so I guess Jaime Lannister is by definition able to defeat Aragorn now.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:57 PM on May 4, 2013


That would only be canonical if GRRM and JRRT both agreed. Doesn't Numenorian heritage count for something?
posted by Area Man at 7:04 PM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


But... but... as soon as a T-800 fired a shot, the xenomorph would start bleeding, and then all it has to do is give the terminator a big hug and it gooshes everywhere.

It is safe to say that if alien blood will eat whatever predator-tronium their stuff is made of, it will also eat the hyperalloy terminator combat chassis are made from
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:08 PM on May 4, 2013


The Warhammer 40K ones piss me off. There is no universe more hardcore and more hostile, it's sort of the point. Most other fiction is PG-13 by comparison. Honorable mention to the non-film Alien franchise.
posted by 2bucksplus at 7:10 PM on May 4, 2013


Obviously any LotR character can beat any GoT character because they could use just yell, "Look! Naked, extremely large nipples!" and then kill the GoT guy when he looked.
posted by drjimmy11 at 7:12 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Yeah I don't know if GRRM has the standing to say that if Jaime Lannister was transported to middle earth he could defeat Aragorn, that wouldnt be cannon, neither could he say Tolkien's Aragorn would be defeated if he transported to Westeros for the same reason. All he could say is that Jaime could defeat someone exactly like Aragorn. He should write that into the next book.
posted by Ad hominem at 7:13 PM on May 4, 2013


ArtW vs. The Whelk!

I demand it be a drinking contest.
posted by Artw at 7:18 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Snoopy would strafe Hobbes from his Sopwith, it would be a horror show. DUH
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 7:19 PM on May 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


This really seems to miss the point, and the approach stacks things in favor of the Terminator. By rating attributes numerically you're taking a lot of the murkiness and poetry out of the situation. In at least the first movies of the Alien franchise, you don't see the alien much, and it's attacked futilely by mechanized corporate conglomerate methods, by high tech weaponized soldiers who, like the Terminator, would be defeated by their over-linearity. The alien succeeds by lurking in shadows and allowing fear to set members of the crew against each other. Ok, the Terminator wouldn't be so emotional and the fear factor wouldn't do it in, but a cage match is not where an Alien would shine. Like a cat, it thrives on ambush, and it's defeated not by relentlessness but by resourcefulness.
posted by Schmucko at 7:21 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Obviously any LotR character can beat any GoT character because they could use just yell, "Look! Naked, extremely large nipples!" and then kill the GoT guy when he looked.

Varys. He's already bought off one of the Istari, and knows Saruman had turned before Saruman, and knows where Elrond's secret entwife is rooted.

"Look! Naked, extremely large nipples!"

"I would, milord Gimli, but, alas, that interest was taken from me, and from the time you've been spending with Logolas, some may say you've never had the interest to begin with. Now, =I= know your chaste and honest kinship with an... elf... is just as it appears, but! The little birds, they do sing. Without me, who knows what ears their songs will reach? More wine, my good friend?"
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:27 PM on May 4, 2013 [13 favorites]


Obviously any LotR character can beat any GoT character because they could use just yell, "Look! Naked, extremely large nipples!" and then kill the GoT guy when he looked.

Heh. Like Tolkien characters know what nipples are.

Anyway, the Narnians always win because fucking Aslan.
posted by Artw at 7:28 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


I used to wonder why Gimli and Legolas didn't have to stop and pee.
posted by Area Man at 7:31 PM on May 4, 2013


Death Star vs the Enterprise

(I always liked that one cos both sides ended up being like "are you f***ing crazy? OF COURSE the Death Star would win!!)


One of the first things I ever read on the internet back in the mid 90's was a long discussion about the Enterprise vs. a fleet of star destroyers. Consensus seemed settle on the star destroyers winning but only barely, and only after after a couple of them kamikazed the Enterprise.
posted by mcmile at 7:32 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


"How do you know dwarf songs, Bronn?"
"..."
posted by Artw at 7:35 PM on May 4, 2013


I used to wonder why Gimli and Legolas didn't have to stop and pee.

Stop what?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:37 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Stop what?

Running after the orcs that captured Merri and Pippin.
posted by Area Man at 7:46 PM on May 4, 2013


In case we are considering the Asylum version it should be remembered that Legolas is a wood elf.
posted by Artw at 7:49 PM on May 4, 2013


Not cool, Peter Jackson.
posted by Artw at 7:56 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Related: Esquire did an Obama/Romney Fistfight poll last year.

Not nearly as detailed, but was refreshing at the time in lieu of the constant barrage of over-parsed speculation and constant droning of pundits.
posted by lampshade at 7:56 PM on May 4, 2013


Running after the orcs that captured Merri and Pippin.

Oh, I thought you meant what they were doing off stage during the siege of Helm's Deep. I mean, it was dark, everyone was scared, and they could have been killed at any moment.

You can't blame them for trying to scratch out a moment's comfort in each other's arms, in a dank corner of the mouldering keep, while they waited for death to come.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:58 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


It is extremely pleasing to me to see WWWF referenced multiple times in the first comments here. I have the Grudge Match book they published around here somewhere!
posted by JHarris at 8:01 PM on May 4, 2013


Part of the problem with any Star Trek/Star Wars comparison is that things are crazy overpowered in the AU lore; according to this article on Wookieepedia, the Death Star's power plant has the output of several main sequence stars. That's simply absurd. I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of the specifics for SW tech were made up by ascended fanboys who specifically punched up the specs to "win" this argument.

Besides, the real contest with the Death Star would be either with V'Ger (no chance) or a Borg cube (they would think that they won, at first...)
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:08 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm dissapointed that there's no Batman/Wolverine matchup. That was the ultimate one when I was 12.

I even remember the sleepover where me and my friends discussed it. It was three of my friends for Wolverine and me as the only one for Batman. I basically picked Batman because a.) I liked to be contrary and piss off my friends and b.) Wolverine was all passion and rage and I knew that the cool, calculating Batman would figure that out early on and use that against him and ultimately win.
posted by mcmile at 8:15 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh, wow, this discussion is getting good. *gets popcorn*
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 8:15 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hobbes might be a tiger, but Snoopy is sneaky.
posted by jb at 8:20 PM on May 4, 2013


Face of Boe vs Jabba the Hutt?
posted by blue_beetle at 8:27 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think the real challenge is breaking through the genre straightjacket:

Ozma of Oz vs. Humbert Humbert
Long John Silver vs Captain Kangaroo
John Stuart Mill vs Pocahontas
The Headless Horseman vs The Sweathogs
Dulcinea vs Mario and Luigi
The Doctor vs Stephen Moffat
Boba Fett vs Con Edison
Gordon Gecko vs Milton's Lucifer
Thor vs the second law of thermodynamics
Charles Darwin vs Steven Tyler
posted by jenkinsEar at 8:27 PM on May 4, 2013 [43 favorites]


Batman is a rich guy. Wolverine is a weaponized mutant. I don't even think this would be a fair fight.
posted by dogwalker at 8:28 PM on May 4, 2013


All I'm saying is that Batman keeps an industrial-sized, adamantium-reinforced woodchipper on hand, just in case. Wolverine is badass but he's not too concerned about long-term backup planning.
posted by nicebookrack at 8:31 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah there is no way that fight doesn't end with Wolverine trapped by an oversize electromagnet.
posted by Drumhellz at 8:35 PM on May 4, 2013 [10 favorites]


Tybalt vs. Stringer Bell
Beyoncé vs. Socrates
Buster Keaton vs. Mumm-Ra
posted by furiousthought at 8:35 PM on May 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


I have a five-year-old godson who recently asked who would win if Godzilla fought Cthulhu. I like the kid's style.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:40 PM on May 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


Charles Darwin vs Steven Tyler

Oh mah GAWD, Jerry! ZZ Top has taken the stage as Darwin's backup! Tyler looks stunned!
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:44 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Socrates beats Beyoncé with his "special herbal addition" to her bottle of refreshing post-dance spring water.
posted by nicebookrack at 8:44 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


But what does Patton Oswalt have to say?
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:47 PM on May 4, 2013


Besides, the real contest with the Death Star would be either with V'Ger (no chance) or a Borg cube (they would think that they won, at first...)

Doomsday machine.
posted by Artw at 8:50 PM on May 4, 2013


Gamera vs. the Austrian Economists
Teddy Roosevelt vs. a Culture Ship
Miyamoto Musashi vs. Baba Yaga
Booster Gold vs. Kahless the Unforgettable
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:51 PM on May 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


Gamera vs. the Austrian Economists

"Gamera will have no city to destroy if we destroy it first."
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:55 PM on May 4, 2013 [7 favorites]


Ozma of Oz vs. Humbert Humbert
Long John Silver vs. Captain Kangaroo


These two lines mixed together as I was scrolling down and I did a double take --"John Oliver vs. Who?"
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:03 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Darth Vader Vs Judge Dredd, sorta.
posted by Artw at 9:04 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Snoopy downs root beer like a fiend. I think the booze would give him the edge.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:11 PM on May 4, 2013


My wife loves the cheesy Deadliest Warrior show, so I think it's clear that Spetznaz would beat the Death Star with combat knife and a shoelace.
posted by arcticseal at 9:11 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Jessamyn vs. Cortex!

Obviously Jessamyn wins this, because girls fight dirty.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 9:14 PM on May 4, 2013


My favorite from the WWWF days was John McClane vs. The Death Star. Someone quipped: "This is basically a chemistry problem. McClane: tends to make things explode. The Death Star: tends to explode. Kind of like Drew Barrymore vs. the Hindenburg when you think about it."

I have a five-year-old godson who recently asked who would win if Godzilla fought Cthulhu. I like the kid's style.

Ha ha, yes. Cthulhu, no question.

King Kong vs. The Great Grape Ape
James Carville vs. Skeletor (trick question: they are the same person)
posted by JHarris at 9:15 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg vs. Ze Frank
posted by JHarris at 9:17 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


I have a five-year-old godson who recently asked who would win if Godzilla fought Cthulhu.

WE WOULD ALL WIN.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:21 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think we need to pitch different disciplines against each other.

Adam Smith vs Nikola Telsa
Jeremy Bentham vs Steven Hawking
Frieda Kahlo vs William Golding
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:27 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Joss Whedon vs. J.J. Abrams.
posted by homunculus at 9:27 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Batman vs. The Joker, Alien, and Predator.
posted by charlie don't surf at 9:38 PM on May 4, 2013


Joffrey Lannister vs The Joker
Cersei Lannister vs Betty Draper
posted by fuse theorem at 9:38 PM on May 4, 2013


Marie Curie vs. Monsanto
Jack Daniels vs. Charlie Daniels
Nathan Myrhvold vs. Hannibal Lecter
Peabody vs. Swee' Pea
Krazy Kat vs. Salvador Dali
Marcus Aurielius vs. Marcellus Wallace
Clarence Thomas vs. Snake Eyes
Plumbum vs. Arsole
posted by benzenedream at 9:45 PM on May 4, 2013 [10 favorites]


Jack Daniels vs. Charlie Daniels

I'd wager this one's already been fought a few times...
posted by mykescipark at 9:48 PM on May 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


Werner Herzog vs Lumpy Space Princess
posted by elizardbits at 9:50 PM on May 4, 2013 [10 favorites]


Daniel Tosh vs Daenerys Targaryen
posted by elizardbits at 9:50 PM on May 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


Peabody vs. Swee' Pea

At the scene of the construction of the Empire State Building.
posted by JHarris at 9:51 PM on May 4, 2013


me vs delicious burrito
posted by elizardbits at 9:52 PM on May 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


John Stuart Mill vs Pocahontas

CRY-LAUGHING
posted by sc114 at 9:53 PM on May 4, 2013


The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit vs Godzilla, Mothra, and Mechagodzilla
posted by nooneyouknow at 9:59 PM on May 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


Liberace vs. Wily Kit and Wily Kat
Cheesecake Factory vs. the cast of Sharky's Machine
Carmen Sandiego vs. The Brannock Device
Umberto Eco vs. the Fried Egg from Burgertime
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:02 PM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


We already know the winner is Mr. Rogers.
posted by fings at 10:03 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


No cavemen vs. astronauts?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:05 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Cersei Lannister vs Betty Draper

Wait, when is Mother's Day again?

(My actual thought process)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:05 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Pharcyde vs Gary Larson
John Calvin vs Bill Watterson
Matthew Broderick vs Hamlet
posted by nooneyouknow at 10:06 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Buffy Summers vs Lord Byron
Daryl Dixon vs the Great Molasses Flood
teen wofl vs waffle house
Tony Stark vs Girl Scout Troop
Scarlet Pimpernel vs GLADOS
Rorschach vs Lady Gaga
haiku vs antidisestablishmentarianism
Giselle the sylph vs Brutalist architecture
posted by nicebookrack at 10:07 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Tony Stark vs Girl Scout Troop
Scarlet Pimpernel vs
GLADOS
posted by homunculus at 10:11 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


shakepeherian vs a really big bag of doritos

spoiler alert: the doritos win
posted by elizardbits at 10:13 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Like Tony Stark couldn't have any deranged AI fawning at his feet like a deadly cloud-distributed puppy in the span of a day, tops, morality center or no morality center. He would have his cake AND survive eating it, too.
posted by nicebookrack at 10:15 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Drunken Anti-Semitic John Galliano vs Cat Dressed As A Shark Riding A Roomba
posted by dontjumplarry at 10:15 PM on May 4, 2013 [7 favorites]


Genghis Khan vs Mabel Pines
Ludacris vs The Cabbage Merchant
Iskierka vs Glenn Beck
posted by elizardbits at 10:17 PM on May 4, 2013


Henry Kissinger vs Grumpy Cat
posted by elizardbits at 10:21 PM on May 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


Cyclops vs. Jorge Luis Borges
posted by mcmile at 10:22 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Guys obviously any and all of these can be settled with "the Turn A destroys both and all else, leaving the lucky(?) survivors to compete for second"
posted by DoctorFedora at 10:24 PM on May 4, 2013


Wolverine vs. Michael Bloomberg
posted by mcmile at 10:25 PM on May 4, 2013


The Borg vs Jorge Luis Borges
posted by dontjumplarry at 10:25 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Jamie Lannister vs. Buster Bluth
Bigfoot vs. A Bikini Wax
The Library of Alexandria vs. 128-bit encryption
posted by chinesefood at 10:28 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


The Green Lantern vs. Vampire Weekend
posted by mcmile at 10:31 PM on May 4, 2013


Henry Kissinger vs Grumpy Cat

That is totally unfair to Grumpy Cat. He hasn't had any reasonable chance to become a war criminal yet.
posted by homunculus at 10:33 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't think that guy really gets that James Bond with all of MI6's backing is kind of a yawn to the guy who lives in the same universe as Amanda Waller. I mean, not to mention the fact that Batman came out just fine against, you know, fucking Darkseid.

(side note, my phone just tried to autocorrect "Darkseid" to "Dark seinfeld" and I want that to be a thing so bad)
posted by jason_steakums at 10:34 PM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Thomas Friedman vs. The Avengers
posted by mcmile at 10:35 PM on May 4, 2013


Thomas Friedman vs. Matt Taibbi.
posted by homunculus at 10:39 PM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Lena Dunham vs. Darkseid
posted by mcmile at 10:39 PM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


homunculus that one's already been decided

Thomas Friedman vs. Tom Joad
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 10:40 PM on May 4, 2013


Tywin Lannister vs Nucky Thompson
posted by misha at 10:41 PM on May 4, 2013


Deadpool vs Reese Bolton
posted by misha at 10:41 PM on May 4, 2013


Hipsters vs NYT journalists who write articles about hipsters
posted by dontjumplarry at 10:44 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Hillary Clinton vs. Tywin Lannister
posted by mcmile at 10:45 PM on May 4, 2013


Joffrey Baratheon vs the woodchipper from Fargo
posted by elizardbits at 10:51 PM on May 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


Leslie Knope vs. Swamp Thing
Terrence Malick vs. George Foreman
Oedipus vs. Shamu
posted by furiousthought at 11:14 PM on May 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


The Freakies vs. One Direction
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:31 PM on May 4, 2013


"Vs" versus "vs."
posted by Bookhouse at 11:34 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oedipus vs. Shamu

I think we have a winner, randomness division!
posted by JHarris at 11:47 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Mildew vs. Social Shaming
Beer Nuts vs. Trucknutz
The Ant and the Aardvark vs. The Captain and Tennille
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:49 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Varys vs. Thufir Hawat
posted by homunculus at 11:50 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


The Mountain vs. The Kurgan
posted by homunculus at 11:50 PM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Emma Peel vs. Emma Frost
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:53 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


I've had it with the suspense here. Need more massacre:

Hulk vs. Totoro
Thor vs. Pikachu
Iron Man vs. Pinocchio
Wolverine vs Bambi
Archangel vs Dumbo
posted by fatehunter at 1:01 AM on May 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


Finn vs. David Foster Wallace
Captain Harlock vs. Michelle Obama
Alan Moore vs. China Mieville
posted by Grimgrin at 1:03 AM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Your neighbor Mr Rogers vs. Your Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Man.
posted by MartinWisse at 1:17 AM on May 5, 2013


The Terminator also has the advantage of being from the future, and having historical records of things that happened in the present.

How the hell does that help the terminator in a fight against an alien?
posted by dng at 1:38 AM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


So, how about Connor Mcleod vs. Jaime Lannister? I mean, awesome swordsmen and all, but wouldn't Mcleod just let himself get stabbed, then when Jaime is all 'hey, you're not dead,' Mcleod kills him?
posted by Ghidorah at 1:48 AM on May 5, 2013


The Terminator also has the advantage of being from the future, and having historical records of things that happened in the present.

How the hell does that help the terminator in a fight against an alien?

Like this!
posted by Slap*Happy at 2:26 AM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Ladies only edition:

Buffy vs Paris Hilton
Jem vs the Holodeck (technically non-gendered, but let it slide for the comedies, OK?)
Scary Spice vs Rosalind Franklin
Martha Stewart vs Kali
Murphy Brown vs Red Sonja
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:22 AM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Paper towels vs the body suit from The Fifth Element
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:24 AM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Franklin Delano Roosevelt vs Kira from Xanadu.
posted by misfish at 3:29 AM on May 5, 2013


Winston Churchill vs every baby that looks like Winston Churchill
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:36 AM on May 5, 2013


Us vs. Them
posted by jeremias at 4:15 AM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Mozart vs. Skrillex
Adam Sandler vs. Michael Lohan
Neil Gaiman vs. Stephen King
posted by Meagan at 4:49 AM on May 5, 2013


"Vs" versus "vs."

And the sequel, [vɹs] vs. [vɹsɨs].
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 6:14 AM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is the problem with that terrible Deadliest Warriors show on Spike- they're always looking at the best soldiers in history, like the French Foreign Legion vs. The Sacred Band of Thebes, but what about the worst?

What about the Italian forces in East Africa vs. Custer's 7th Cavalry? Or Valerian's Legions vs. the Children's Crusade? Robert and Charlie Ford vs. Napoleon III?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:28 AM on May 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


Tony Stark vs GLADOS

This could end very badly for Tony/humanity if GLaDOS gets her hooks into J.A.R.V.I.S.

Like if Wintermute and Neuromancer gave birth to a bouncing baby Skynet.
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:36 AM on May 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


Mozart vs Skrillex Already happened and it was epic!

Barney Miller vs Barney Fife
posted by ian1977 at 6:41 AM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Joss Whedon vs. J.J. Abrams

Sadly, one of Abrams' lens flares would blind Whedon at a critical moment in the fight.
posted by audi alteram partem at 6:43 AM on May 5, 2013 [7 favorites]


Joss Whedon vs. J.J. Abrams

Sadly, one of Abrams' len flares would blind Whedon at a critical moment in the fight.

But just as Abrams is about to deliver the coup de grace, he's suddenly killed/vaporized/sent to a hell dimension/impaled by a spear/sucked into a jet engine by the persistent aura of random, unexpected character death that clings to Whedon like a giant invisible clingy thing.
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:49 AM on May 5, 2013 [9 favorites]


I'm not sure Abrams is sufficiently beloved - Whedon may be hoisted by his own petard there.
posted by Artw at 6:54 AM on May 5, 2013 [6 favorites]


The thing that always bugged me about Jaime vs Aragorn is that Aragorn had about 60 years of sword-fighting experience on the young Lannister, plus some elf-blood in him. No way Jaime comes out of that alive.
posted by Ber at 7:33 AM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, but that's 60 years of experience chopping up unskilled orcs/goblins who mostly just stab themselves and die once they realize he's a king and therefore deserves to kill them.

Jaime, on the other hand, has spent X years chopping up (a) humans who (b) gave him no such courtesy.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:37 AM on May 5, 2013


What the hell have you people been doing in here?
posted by The Whelk at 7:44 AM on May 5, 2013 [7 favorites]


Sharks vs. Jets!

Oh, wait; that one's been done.
posted by Curious Artificer at 8:07 AM on May 5, 2013


Ewoks vs Gremlins
posted by mazola at 8:12 AM on May 5, 2013


Tag team wrestling:

Orange
Garfield
The Thing
Willy Wonka and the Oompa Loompas (Gene Wilder version, obviously)

Green
Bulbasaur
The Geiko Gecko
Green Lantern

Red
Azazel
Iron Man
The Oscar Meyer Hot Dog Weinermobile

Yellow
Pikachu
Wolverine
The Yellow Power Ranger

White
Frosty the Snowman
Trigger (the Lone Ranger's horse)
Stormtroopers

Floaty
Yoda
Modok
Some third floaty thing
posted by misha at 8:17 AM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Keyser Soze v. Matlock
posted by Groundhog Week at 8:33 AM on May 5, 2013


Or Keyser Soze v. Sherlock Holmes
posted by Groundhog Week at 8:35 AM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


China Miéville vs. the good china on the hutch
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:44 AM on May 5, 2013


the gom jabbar vs the kobayashi maru
posted by elizardbits at 8:44 AM on May 5, 2013 [7 favorites]


Stiles Stilinski and Derek Hale Vs. Dylan O'Brein and Tyler Hoechlin
posted by The Whelk at 8:48 AM on May 5, 2013


Alan Moore vs. China Mieville

I have a feeling Moore's beard is prehensile, and would entangle Mieville who would not be able to escape even though he's totally buff.
posted by bibliogrrl at 9:02 AM on May 5, 2013


Freddie Mercury vs. the planet Mercury
Wayne and Garth vs. Bill and Ted
Venture Bros vs the Hardy Boys
posted by Existential Dread at 9:10 AM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


H.P. Lovecraft vs HP CEO Meg Whitman
posted by Existential Dread at 9:19 AM on May 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


Freddie Mercury vs. the planet Mercury

Dark Phoenix vs. the city of Phoenix
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:27 AM on May 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


Gambit vs. Proctor & Gamble

Wolverine vs. the University of Michigan

Professor X vs. Mr. X vs. The Game of X vs. "Let's Put the X in Sex"

The Punisher vs. Crime and Punishment

Squirrel Girl vs. Worl-a-Girl

Squirrel Girl vs. evil mirror-universe Squirrel Girl with the Infinity Gauntlet in one hand and the Cosmic Cube in the other*

*spoiler: Squirrel Girl still wins
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:45 AM on May 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


Atlanta vs Atlantis
Myles na gCopaleen vs Flann O'Brien vs flannel
May the Fourth Be With You vs Cinco de Mayo
The Library of Babel vs the Tower of Babel
Falkor the luckdragon vs Scarlet Witch
posted by nicebookrack at 9:46 AM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Kirby vs. The Thing
posted by The World's End at 9:51 AM on May 5, 2013


Fred MacMurray vs Ernest Borgnine
posted by mazola at 10:00 AM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Bush v. Gore vs. Dred Scott v. Sandford

Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Kramer
posted by mubba at 10:06 AM on May 5, 2013 [6 favorites]


Kirby vs. The Thing

Wait, which The Thing? Clobberin' time Thing, or hiding in the Antarctic to steal Kurt Russell's mondo cowboy hat Thing?
posted by Existential Dread at 10:30 AM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


I was thinking the antarctic thing, but the other one might work too.
posted by The World's End at 10:35 AM on May 5, 2013


H.P. Lovecraft vs HP CEO Meg Whitman

Ha. Ah-ha. AAAAH-haha. MWAAAAHAHAhahahaha..... (lightning flash, revealing an ominous mountain in the background, around which are silhouetted... things....)

Kirby vs. The Thing

Pink Kirby, or THE KING?
posted by JHarris at 11:14 AM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Canucks vs. Themselves.

Spoiler: Canucks choke and the Bruins win again.
posted by arcticseal at 11:18 AM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Might have known an Oilers fan would favourite that.
posted by arcticseal at 11:44 AM on May 5, 2013


Regular Galactus vs The Galactus Engine vs Ultimate Galactus

Please keep a distance of at least three parallel universes for spectator safety reasons.
posted by Iosephus at 11:44 AM on May 5, 2013


Roose Bolton vs. Reese Witherspoon
Amanda Palmer vs. Robert Palmer
Helen Reddy vs. Tom Waits
Cory Doctorow vs. E.L. Doctorow
Ada Lovelace vs. Dr. Frankenstein
Quentin Crisp vs. C3PO
Piter De Vries vs. ENIAC
Benjamin Sisko vs. the Hare Krishnas
Charlie Sheen vs. A Withering Glare
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:16 PM on May 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


Joe Don Baker vs. Hoyt Axton
posted by The Whelk at 12:19 PM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Bender vs. GLaDOS
Hong Kong Phooey vs. Kung Fu Panda
The guy from Drive vs. the guy from Le Samourai
The Daily Planet vs. Huffington Post
Solid Snake vs. Captain America
Hiro Protagonist vs. Rinzler
posted by FJT at 1:10 PM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Amanda Palmer vs. Robert Palmer

She'd just crowdsource a bunch of other people to fight for her and promise them beer and hugs at the end. He'd send in those scary Fembots from his videos to atomize them all instantly.
posted by mykescipark at 1:30 PM on May 5, 2013


Peter Gabriel vs the Archangel Gabriel
The Human Torch vs The Human Centipede
The Rat Pack vs an angry pack of rats
The Jolly Green Giant vs the New York Giants
Morgan Freeman vs Morgan Stanley
George Michael (singer) vs George Michael (Bluth) vs George Michael (from Office Space)
Paul the Apostle vs St. Paul, Minnesota
Isaac Newton vs renal calculus
posted by dephlogisticated at 1:32 PM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


I Might Be Picking Sides Edition:

Jimmy Kimmel vs. a velociraptor
Shere Khan vs. Wolf Blitzer
Milk & Cheese vs. Mumford & Sons
Ross Douthat vs. Bruce Lee
posted by furiousthought at 1:37 PM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Gregor Samsa vs. Funky Winkerbean
posted by furiousthought at 1:39 PM on May 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


“special snowflake” vs. “the uncanny valley”

Cage match: every character played by Nicolas Cage

Charlie Sheen vs. himself
posted by mubba at 1:56 PM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Major Motoko Kusanagi vs. the combination of nostalgia and regret evoked by the smell of your childhood home
George F. Will vs. the Eastern Zhou Dynasty
The Lithuanian Peasant and Greens Union vs. CVS Pharmacy Store #484 in Moline, Illinois
The Amen break vs. Qualification of Women (County and Borough Councils) Act 1907
Accra Hearts of Oak Sporting Club vs. the Arthur Machen translation of Mémoires de Jacques Casanova
posted by strangely stunted trees at 2:42 PM on May 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


Lots of nice attempts at challenging the awesome Oedipus vs. Shamu in the Randomness Division, but they fail at capturing the essence of the category, which isn't true randomness at all, but in posing disparate ideas against each other. Everything has exactly one anti-thing to go with it, which isn't its opposite (which is really very closely related to it) but the thing that has the least to do with it. It is the thing least likely to remind you of its anti-counterpart. I'm not saying that Oedipus and Shamu have that (lack of) relationship with each other, but it's very good.
posted by JHarris at 3:05 PM on May 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


Charlie Sheen vs. himself

That one is not unlikely; indeed, it's already been fought, and they both lost.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:56 PM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Inigo Montoya vs. The Indigo Girls
posted by fikri at 4:32 PM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Pokemon vs Tribbles
Wheat vs Chaff
Thomas Jefferson vs Rush Limbaugh
Goat vs Sheep
Power Puff Girls vs My Little Ponies
Elasti-Girl vs Reed Richards
Mary Jane Watson vs Lois Lane
Spider-man vs a rolled up newspaper

wait a second, if J Jonah Jameson (and therefore the Daily Bugle) is Spider-Man's nemesis, does that mean Spider-Man's greatest foe is in fact a newspaper? Was this an intentional meta-joke by Lee and Ditko? It seems too perfect not to be.
posted by wabbittwax at 5:55 PM on May 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


Elasti-Girl vs Reed Richards

This is actually an interesting matchup. Rita Farr is a sizechanger... as well as a stretcher. Yes, she can shove over skyscrapers, but she can also apply her growth selectively and flexibly, which puts her in Reed's league.

Mr. Fantastic can't step on people like bugs, but he has deus-ex-machinas out the wazoo with his super-science background.

He needs time to get them to work, though, and in a one-on-one matchup, he'll have to distract her with his powers while not being overwhelmed with her size... and she'll need to use her own stretching abilities to bring her titanic might to bear before he zaps her with a Kirby Device.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:11 PM on May 5, 2013


Capybara vs. Sloth.
posted by homunculus at 11:22 PM on May 5, 2013


no matter who wins, we snooze.
posted by The Whelk at 11:24 PM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm a little surprised. Does nobody here know of the Comic Book Universe Battles database?

It's an awesome collection of matchups with accompanying commentary and fight write-ups that's every bit as hilarious and awesome as WWWF Grudge Match.

Beetle Bailey vs. Gomer Pyle
Scarface vs. The Godfather
The Punisher vs. Boba Fett

Indiana Jones vs. Mordor
Can Indiana Jones get the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom?
posted by Sleeper at 11:26 PM on May 5, 2013


Galactus vs. Galactus' Weight in Krypto the Super Dogs

Spaceman Spiff vs. Stupendous Man

I enjoy the reader commentary.
posted by Sleeper at 11:31 PM on May 5, 2013


Willy Wonka vs John Galt
posted by Green With You at 1:57 PM on May 6, 2013


Spaceman Spiff vs. Stupendous Man

I was thinking about the matchup, and at first I was all, "Duh, Stupendous Man, because he is a superhero."

But then I realized Spiff has it in the bag, because Stupendous Man, as the Champion of Good and Righter of Wrings in the galaxy, is not even going to cheat to win.

'Course, you don't really have to cheat to win in Calvinball, since the only rule is you can't do the same thing twice. Still, Stupendous Man's imagination is limited by his inability to think evil thoughts.

So Spaceman Spiff obviously has this in the bag, because all he has to do is lock Stupendous Man in a locker.

I feel bad linking to that source, honestly. Buy the Calvin and Hobbes books, everyone! I own them all and they're awesome. Support artists and their original work. /soapbox
posted by misha at 7:47 AM on May 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


How good is Batman at sex?
posted by homunculus at 6:06 PM on May 8, 2013


Batman always wins, primarily through determination, training and having planned ahead.
posted by Artw at 7:24 PM on May 8, 2013


How good you think Batman is at sex depends entirely on how you feel about men who can't orgasm without crying afterwards.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:39 PM on May 8, 2013


Rob Thomas vs. Rob Zombie
A young MC Hammer vs. Young MC with a hammer
Baz Luhrmann vs. Mark Fuhrman
posted by Jpfed at 9:09 AM on May 9, 2013


Hannibal Lecter vs. James Moriarty
posted by homunculus at 6:11 PM on May 11, 2013


Lisbeth Salander vs. Root
posted by homunculus at 6:13 PM on May 11, 2013


Anyway, the Narnians always win because fucking Aslan.

Aslan vs. Battlepug
posted by homunculus at 6:42 PM on May 11, 2013


Vastra, Jenny, & Strax vs. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
posted by homunculus at 6:57 PM on May 11, 2013


I said that Vastra & Jenny needed their own show the very first time they appeared. I still don't know what plots, but I would watch those two (and Strax) any time.
posted by jb at 7:05 PM on May 11, 2013


Who's the best "innovation superhero": Iron Man, or Batman?
posted by homunculus at 11:02 AM on May 12, 2013


Superman vs. Übermensch
posted by homunculus at 6:16 PM on May 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


Arrow's abdominal muscles vs. Crixus's abdominal muscles.
posted by homunculus at 8:23 PM on May 15, 2013


John Barrowman vs. Liam Neeson
posted by homunculus at 8:53 PM on May 15, 2013


Booger vs. Judas
posted by homunculus at 10:17 PM on May 15, 2013


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