Just Another Ikea Catalogue [NSFW]
August 7, 2013 2:23 PM   Subscribe

Just Another Ikea Catalogue [NSFW] Someone has taken the time to create an Ikea catalogue based around furniture that appears in the background shots of porn. Ikea is not too pleased.
posted by modernnomad (102 comments total) 46 users marked this as a favorite


 
See, I told you we'd find a use for that BÖFF table!
posted by The Whelk at 2:27 PM on August 7, 2013 [12 favorites]


Hard-core porn gifs AND a second link in Swedish.

I can hardly wait to read cortex's deletion reason.
posted by Curious Artificer at 2:28 PM on August 7, 2013 [31 favorites]


Hey, I have that duvet cover!
posted by neroli at 2:28 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


I've seen a lot of funny things today but that takes the cake.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 2:30 PM on August 7, 2013


I've seen a lot of funny things today but that takes the cake.

and leaves behind some icing.
posted by mullacc at 2:31 PM on August 7, 2013 [17 favorites]


Second link is German
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:31 PM on August 7, 2013 [10 favorites]


THAT'S HOW ANGRY THEY ARE. THEY WANT TO SOUND REALLY BELLIGERENT.
posted by MuffinMan at 2:35 PM on August 7, 2013 [5 favorites]


I can hardly wait to read cortex's deletion reason.

I seriously cannot tell whether or not I should delete this.
posted by cortex at 2:36 PM on August 7, 2013 [109 favorites]


Listen to your heart.

Or, I suppose, other regions.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 2:38 PM on August 7, 2013


Flat-pack it and move on.
posted by 2bucksplus at 2:38 PM on August 7, 2013 [32 favorites]


ALLEN-KEY JOKE
posted by modernnomad at 2:39 PM on August 7, 2013 [26 favorites]


I haven't looked at any of the pics, but one thing I do know: when I have spent 19 hours putting together a table from Ikea, the last thing I want is two people screwing on it, and speaking of screws why do I have six left over oh for fu-
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:39 PM on August 7, 2013 [36 favorites]


I seriously cannot tell whether or not I should delete this.

It's a meaty post, you have to give it that.
posted by Rykey at 2:41 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


Swedish meatballs amirite.
posted by ob at 2:41 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


Key features: mouth blown.
posted by pernoctalian at 2:43 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


Second link is German

And boy, was it educational. I don't think Duolingo intends to expand my vocabulary in the direction of "Amateur-Porno-Filmen".
posted by iNeas at 2:45 PM on August 7, 2013


It's got more Fräck than an Ikea big-box store.
posted by zippy at 2:49 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is kind of amazing. Probably I just don't hang out in the right dark corners of th enet, but I don't think I've ever seen animated gifs do that before. And all the hard work to figure out the products!

My 2 cents: post should stand, maybe the [NSFW] expanded to [NSFW-hardcore fsking]. or something. [NSFW-Creamy Finish]?
posted by kaibutsu at 2:50 PM on August 7, 2013


I have that EKTORP, same color and everything, and this makes me want to flip the cushions just in case.
posted by zombieflanders at 2:52 PM on August 7, 2013 [9 favorites]


The post stands just for this comment:

I haven't looked at any of the pics, but one thing I do know: when I have spent 19 hours putting together a table from Ikea, the last thing I want is two people screwing on it, and speaking of screws why do I have six left over oh for fu-
posted by NoMich at 2:54 PM on August 7, 2013 [5 favorites]


hard work to figure out the products

That's actually what struck me about this. I'm not sure I want to know about people who are so familiar with the Ikea catalog that they're watching porn and suddenly go "Hey! I know that piece of furniture!"
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:55 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


Seeing this, I was reminded of the Ikea scene in Fight Club. Like, if David Fincher had been able to take the scene further.
posted by Thistledown at 2:56 PM on August 7, 2013 [8 favorites]


why is IKEA speaking German????????????
posted by supermedusa at 2:56 PM on August 7, 2013


I haven't looked at any of the pics, but one thing I do know: when I have spent 19 hours putting together a table from Ikea, the last thing I want is two people screwing on it, and speaking of screws why do I have six left over oh for fu-

Good lord, what are you putting together? I've never found their stuff hard to assemble.

I agree about nobody needing to do porn things on their furniture, though, that particleboard isn't meant for that kind of abuse.
posted by emjaybee at 2:57 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


Cheap knock-off pr0n.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:57 PM on August 7, 2013


That's actually what struck me about this. I'm not sure I want to know about people who are so familiar with the Ikea catalog that they're watching porn and suddenly go "Hey! I know that piece of furniture!"

Which reminds me of the story of Kubrick watching the striptease scene in The Unbearable Lightness of Being: He paid no attention to Lena Olin, but pointed out that Juliette Binoche's camera was exactly correct for the setting (though in fact it's a little anachronistic).
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 2:58 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm not sure I want to know about people who are so familiar with the Ikea catalog that they're watching porn and suddenly go "Hey! I know that piece of furniture!"

I think rather it's people so familiar with the porn that they start noticing the furniture.
posted by zippy at 2:59 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's hard to turn off the impulse to shop.
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:00 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


WHY ARE THEY IGNORING ALL THE EXPEDIT SHELVES

THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE
posted by Sys Rq at 3:02 PM on August 7, 2013 [37 favorites]


I haven't looked at any of the pics, but one thing I do know: when I have spent 19 hours putting together a table from Ikea, the last thing I want is two people screwing on it, and speaking of screws why do I have six left over oh for fu-

The joke around my house is that "Ikea" is Swedish for "God-damnit"
posted by hwestiii at 3:06 PM on August 7, 2013


Good lord, what are you putting together? I've never found their stuff hard to assemble.

I have a set of wall-mounted shelves (BESTÅ?) that took me probably that long to put together. Had to buy 1x4s to space it from the wall, etc.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 3:07 PM on August 7, 2013


METAFILTER NO BONERS ALLOWED METAFILTER NO BONERS ALOUD METAFILTER NO BONERS IN THE CROWD
posted by Teakettle at 3:09 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


STENKLÖVER
posted by zippy at 3:09 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


GODIS SKUM
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 3:10 PM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]


SWEDISH, MEAT, BALLS
posted by resurrexit at 3:13 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish: "Listen to your heart. "

Wasn't Roxette from Sweden?
posted by symbioid at 3:26 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


See Also: Wil Wheaton's Table Top Loser Lounge filmed on porn set. (proof at link, NSFW, obviously)
posted by symbioid at 3:27 PM on August 7, 2013 [15 favorites]


Chrome auto translated handily link the second into non German English. Of sorts
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:27 PM on August 7, 2013


New life goal:

1) Create hardcore yaoi porn comic
2) Draw CHARLOTTA VILD curtains in the background
posted by nicebookrack at 3:29 PM on August 7, 2013


IKEA was okay with this TV spot though.
posted by Kabanos at 3:32 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


KAFFE HELA BÖNOR MÖRKROST
posted by Sys Rq at 3:33 PM on August 7, 2013


"Als bekannt familienfreundliches Unternehmen, das für viele Scherze zu haben ist, hört der Spaß für uns bei der Verbindung von Ikea zu Hardcore-Pornographie auf"


"Being a family friendly company that finds many jokes okay, the fun ends for us when a connection is made between Ikea and hard core pornography." One almost sympathizes - almost.
posted by Namlit at 3:35 PM on August 7, 2013


No Nutella, I'm noticing.
posted by Namlit at 3:35 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


WHY ARE THEY IGNORING ALL THE EXPEDIT SHELVES

The world already belongs to EXPEDIT, do we need to keep pointing it out?
posted by bleep-blop at 3:36 PM on August 7, 2013


It seems like training for corporate communications folks should include a segment on "Ignore tumblr! Never respond to a weird tumblr account! Chances are it's hilarious and you'll only draw attention to it!"
posted by kiltedtaco at 3:38 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


Someone has too much time on their hands. Among other things.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 3:38 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


I certainly don't have too much on my hands.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 3:41 PM on August 7, 2013


You put everything in the porn film together, but there's always a few bits that look like they weren't meant to fit in the holes you put them in.
posted by jaduncan at 3:42 PM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]



Oh dear. As someone who does look at the real Ikea catalog a fair amount, I can't stop laughing.
posted by Jalliah at 3:43 PM on August 7, 2013


It's not good, solid wood in all cases: some look veneereal.
posted by anothermug at 3:52 PM on August 7, 2013 [24 favorites]


Ouch.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:54 PM on August 7, 2013


Push your stool in for you?
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:02 PM on August 7, 2013 [6 favorites]


Kanske är jag snuskhummer, men nu vill jag gå till Ikea.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 4:13 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's not good, solid wood in all cases: some look veneereal.

This may be my most reluctant favorite ever.
posted by zombieflanders at 4:25 PM on August 7, 2013 [9 favorites]


porn is pretty normal in my house and we're often noticing that a footstool is the same as a friend's or that i have had those pair of socks or whatever. of course, i also notice that sort of stuff in big brother and sport reporting booths. i imagine there are other people like that and those people put this together.

re: wil wheaton and the porn set - he took the whole thing in stride
posted by nadawi at 4:26 PM on August 7, 2013 [5 favorites]


For me, Ikea always brings to mind the word 'zusammenbau'. One time, years ago, my friend Stephen brought home a flat-packed Ikea something or other. We opened it up, looked at the instructions, and there were no words, just diagrams. Except for the word 'zusammenbau'. And because of that word's proximity to the simple line-drawing dude (see, for example here) who was explaining how to put the stuff together, in diagrams, we decided that Zusammenbau was his name. (Of course, it turns out, 'zussamenbau' is just German for 'assembly'.)

Now, I am experiencing the unfortunate mental image of Zussamenbau demonstrating various, um, other, forms of how things fit together...
posted by fikri at 4:27 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


Thankfully, (and unlike Ikea meatballs), there are no horses involved.
posted by chococat at 4:34 PM on August 7, 2013


This is awesome.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:38 PM on August 7, 2013


Just reinforces what I've always thought. You want cheap and dirty? Get Ikea
posted by Redhush at 4:40 PM on August 7, 2013


You know that Ikea commercial where they strap a pile of merc to the top of a small car and every time they go up and down a hill they're all like "Whoa! Whoa!"? So now I'm picturing it with a pile of neckid bodies strapped to the top of the car, and they're still all "Whoa! Whoa!"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:56 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


Self-assembly required.
posted by vitabellosi at 5:13 PM on August 7, 2013


He fixes the table?
posted by Ratio at 5:22 PM on August 7, 2013 [7 favorites]


Interesting concept. Piss-poor execution. Noteworthy only because Ikea has loudly objected.
Otherwise, not much here except some adolescent giggles.
posted by Pudhoho at 5:23 PM on August 7, 2013


He fixes the table?

Don't be flatpacktuous, Ratiorrey.
posted by cortex at 5:27 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


Are those really IKEA products?
posted by PHINC at 5:36 PM on August 7, 2013


65 comments in and no one has mentioned the person in the panda suit lightly spanking a young lady? (Uh, NSFW. Even the href is NFSW.)

I didn't even know Ikea sold panda suits.
posted by flipper at 5:44 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


Needs more cats (NSFW).
posted by homunculus at 5:52 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


There was a stretch in the late eighties where every damn gay porno set used the same JC Penney bedlinen set I had (with big stupid eighties grey and black squares in a typical casual big stupid eighties composition) and it irked me that my damn sheets got more action than I did.
posted by sonascope at 6:08 PM on August 7, 2013 [8 favorites]


I'm not sure I want to know about people who are so familiar with the Ikea catalog that they're watching porn and suddenly go "Hey! I know that piece of furniture!"

I'm guessing you're likely to notice if you have that furniture yourself or a friend has it in their living room. Since a lot of it is paintings and bedspreads, those are pretty recognizable.
posted by NoraReed at 6:48 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


I filled out a wen form to get an IKEA catalog. Waited. Nothing. Forgot about it. A year passed. I filled the form out again and noticed the form said catalogs are only sent quarterly, so if you just missed on it could be nearly half a year. So I patiently waited. Six months, another year. I write them a letter pointing out that I have been quite patient and could I please have my catalog already? No response. Another year goes by. They are the "sponsored" tweet in my twitter stream. I tweet them, they tell me to fill out the form, so once again I do so. It's only been a few weeks, but I am guessing that form does nothing.

I tell stories like this at parties too. I am a riot! There's probably a moral here somewhere.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:59 PM on August 7, 2013 [10 favorites]


Insert tab A into slot A. Insert into slot B or C if you're feeling a little saucy.
Insert into slot D if...wait, what?
posted by GoingToShopping at 7:01 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm not sure I want to know about people who are so familiar with the Ikea catalog that they're watching porn and suddenly go "Hey! I know that piece of furniture!"

As a broke person in a city where people move frequently and with little notice, I'd say that my and my friends' furniture is about 80% Ikea. The rest is from the curb. I don't LIKE it, but I can recognize a lot of Ikea furniture at this point. That Lack side table from "Cock hungry mature paintress takes it from behind"? Seen dozens of 'em in real life. Ingolf chair from "German amateur madame blows in action door fuck"? In my living room right now. And that Expedit shelf? I think I've been in fewer apartments that DIDN'T have it than ones that did.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:02 PM on August 7, 2013


they're watching porn and suddenly go "Hey! I know that piece of furniture!"

[joke re: dystopian sexism of Soylent Green]
posted by Sys Rq at 7:05 PM on August 7, 2013


cjorgensen, same thing happened here. as far as i can tell it is impossible to get a print catalog mailed to you if you're not on their list of neighborhoods/cities they mail to.

(p.s. speaking from personal experience it is not a great idea to have sex on an ikea couch)
posted by gerstle at 7:20 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


Did I get the 69th comment?
posted by figment of my conation at 7:28 PM on August 7, 2013


...Waited. Nothing. Forgot about it. A year passed.... quarterly, if you just missed on it could be nearly half a year. So I patiently waited. Six months, another year. ... No response. Another year goes by....

I tell stories like this at parties too. I am a riot! There's probably a moral here somewhere.


The punchline is "It's just like my sex life!"
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:40 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


(or someone else's sex life if you prefer)
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:41 PM on August 7, 2013


Didn't anyone tell you, cjorgensen? It's an IKEA catalog. You have to put it together yourself.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:59 PM on August 7, 2013 [5 favorites]


gerstle: (p.s. speaking from personal experience it is not a great idea to have sex on an ikea couch)

Did you really expect more from the COLLAPSEFROMFUKKEN?
posted by dr_dank at 8:01 PM on August 7, 2013 [5 favorites]


Maybe it's like Ferraris, they'll only send you one if you've received one before.
posted by indubitable at 8:11 PM on August 7, 2013


We should have expected this from the folks who named their best computer desk the "JERKER".
posted by jenkinsEar at 8:13 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


There are much better porn .gif tumblrs out there


Where did this person learn to make .gifs
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:29 PM on August 7, 2013


Where's that blog which critiques the interior decorating of cock-shot pictures?
It's queer eye for the already probably-queer-and-cruising guy's home design?

No, really - it's a thing, I just can't find it any more.

It even had a christmas special.
posted by Elysum at 8:39 PM on August 7, 2013


Lurid Digs.
posted by The Whelk at 8:41 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


Well I was looking for a love seat.
posted by mazola at 9:57 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


gerstle: (p.s. speaking from personal experience it is not a great idea to have sex on an ikea couch)

So very true. My poor EKTORP. :(
posted by Akhu at 11:07 PM on August 7, 2013


So on that note, has HotMalm been linked on Metafilter yet?
posted by Ms. Next at 12:30 AM on August 8, 2013 [4 favorites]


BEHOLD! THE SHRINE TO THE IKEA JERKER DESK!
had to
posted by yoHighness at 3:48 AM on August 8, 2013


The woman hanging down off the man's shoulders is OHMYGODWHATAMIEVENLOOKINGATTHATLOOKSSOUNCOMFORTABLE.
posted by kinetic at 3:54 AM on August 8, 2013


I have one of those SKRÖO tables, it's very nïce.
posted by Mister_A at 7:08 AM on August 8, 2013


In the inventory of Dumb Shtick I Use To Annoy My Wife, there's a bit about Ikea products being irritating little creatures that communicate in Pokemon Speak ("EKtorp! Ek-ek-ek-TORP!") That bit of shtick is about to get a lot less family friendly and a lot more irritating. ("Ek! Ek! Ek! EK! EK!!!") Thank you, Metafilter.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 7:25 AM on August 8, 2013 [6 favorites]


I just spent the last few days rebuilding ikea stuff and saying 'Fuck' over and over.
posted by srboisvert at 7:42 AM on August 8, 2013


Is there a female version of the adorable Ikea assembly guy? Zussamenfrau?
posted by misha at 8:44 AM on August 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


Some of you people clearly have no idea how to screw a couch together.
posted by yohko at 10:11 PM on August 8, 2013


To screw a couch together or to screw a couch, together?
posted by NoraReed at 10:52 PM on August 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm crying with laughter!
I do wonder why Ikea Germany and German jurisdiction are involved. Is the blogger German?
posted by Omnomnom at 5:01 AM on August 9, 2013




Does it have the same augmented reality feature as the real Ikea catalogs?
posted by mbrubeck at 12:09 PM on August 9, 2013


I'm definitely seeing some augmentations.
posted by balistic at 3:16 PM on August 9, 2013


That rug really screwed the room together!
posted by kaibutsu at 3:42 PM on August 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Duderö abides?
posted by zombieflanders at 4:15 PM on August 9, 2013


In case anyone is interested: panda-fuck.com is real and exactly what one expects.

Those crazy Europeans.
posted by Mezentian at 10:05 PM on August 10, 2013


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