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Martha Stewart's horrible food tweets.
November 19, 2013 1:59 PM   Subscribe

Just like if you found out that revered Japanese/Australian chef Tetsuya secretly does the Tim Tam slam, there's a special kind of awesome when you see a collection of Martha Stewart's horrible food tweets. Maybe it's reassuring when the Queen of Lifestyle Programming makes food look so bad.
posted by Kaleidoscope (120 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

 
Argh, it's like, JFC, Martha, are you using your flash in darkened restaurants to take awful pictures of your food? You are? Man, your tablemates and other customers must love you.

On the other hand, I feel a sort of horrible glee that the Maven of the Upper Middle Class can't take a decent food pic to save her life.
posted by Kitteh at 2:08 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Honestly, food looks gross. Pretty much all cooked food looks gross. That's the real of food.

I had a truly delicious lunch of fenugreek-chickpea dumplings with coconut chutney and an onion-whole-spice relish thing I'd made, and it smelled divine but looked like it came from a plasticky future dystopia. Or consider congee! Congee topped with delicious things like sauteed peanuts and enoki mushrooms and greens looks like nothing on earth. And yet it is so good.
posted by Frowner at 2:08 PM on November 19, 2013


Yeah those are pretty bad.
On a sort of grouchy but related note, it would rock if people stopped doing that watermelon with feta/goat cheese thing. Even my mother-in-law cut that shit out a year ago.
Seems like it's the "salmon cooked on a cedar plank" of the 2010's.
posted by chococat at 2:09 PM on November 19, 2013 [4 favorites]


Step one: turn off the flash.
Step two: stop taking pictures.
posted by Outlawyr at 2:11 PM on November 19, 2013 [5 favorites]


Most of those photos would be fine if the lighting or focus was better.

But that iceberg wedge one. What the everliving fuck.
posted by kmz at 2:12 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Martha should watch out.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:12 PM on November 19, 2013 [6 favorites]


I add that delicious European foods also look gross, just to clarify. Oxtail stew, my childhood favorite! And Tuscan baked beans - a squishy pallid landscape like something from fifties Soviet SF!
posted by Frowner at 2:12 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


If you've ever had the displeasure to work with Martha, and I have multiple times, you will know that she is preceded by a small army of unfortunate overworked elves who make everything as perfect as they can before Herself swans in, tells them they fucked it all up and then goes on camera to claim all the credit for how wonderful and amazing and easy everything is for herself. The food in the link is merely as ugly as her tiny little soul.
posted by nevercalm at 2:12 PM on November 19, 2013 [29 favorites]


On the other hand, I feel a sort of horrible glee that the Maven of the Upper Middle Class can't take a decent food pic to save her life.

Schadenfoode.
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:12 PM on November 19, 2013 [37 favorites]


Yuck.

It cannot be emphasised nearly enough that food photography has honest-to-god rules--not mere guidelines--that must never, ever be broken. Colour balance (err to the warm end of the spectrum) and saturation (more colour is better than less) are especially important; break those and food will look like a cold, mouldy pile of barf.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:13 PM on November 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


That first picture seems to be showing us a small shoggoth on a plate.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 2:13 PM on November 19, 2013 [9 favorites]


Man, she just isn't trying.
posted by zzazazz at 2:13 PM on November 19, 2013


I have had that pear ravioli and it is delicious.
posted by grobstein at 2:13 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


But that iceberg wedge one. What the everliving fuck.

If you're trying to tell me you've never taken an entire head of iceberg lettuce, and drilled out the core, and filled the quivering cavity with a mixture of cream cheese and southwest ranch dressing, and then eaten the whole god-damned thing, then I'm calling you out as a god-damned liar.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:13 PM on November 19, 2013 [15 favorites]


Jesus Christ Martha.
posted by Midnight Rambler at 2:14 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


That looks like the fake food out of Amy Sedaris' cookbook.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:14 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]



Schadenfoode.

The inward smile one feels when you watch people unknowingly eat their pets.

I mean what who said that
posted by The Whelk at 2:15 PM on November 19, 2013 [12 favorites]


Oh god who eats iceberg lettuce.What's next,cakes with flour in them? Totally gross!

Aww who am I kidding. I must be some kind of uncultured swine because I think all that gross food looks like it would probably be pretty tasty
posted by Ad hominem at 2:16 PM on November 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


Yeah that pear ravioli strikes me as pretty legit, and I don't care if the sorbet looks like little alien poo-nuggets, I would eat the hell out of that too.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:17 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Iceberg wedge is like the traditional steakhouse salad. Nothing better than iceberg wedge,blue cheese dressing, and bacon.
posted by Ad hominem at 2:21 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


75% of food enjoyment is the delicious smell, 15% is how hungry you are, and only 10% is how it looks. Most food looks appalling, aesthetically speaking, which is why expensive food has been tarted up, so you know it's expensive.

But even tarted-up food isn't going to photograph well with an iPhone flash in a darkened restaurant.

If there is fault to find in this, it's that Stewart was photographing her food, not that the food didn't look right under the circumstances or that she likes to eat ugly food. I'm sure if you were sitting in her chair with delicious aromas wafting up from the same dish, you'd think it looked great, but you'd mostly be wanting to shove it in your face.
posted by emjaybee at 2:22 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Maybe she developed a taste for grey bland food while in prison.
posted by ryanrs at 2:24 PM on November 19, 2013 [7 favorites]


Honestly, food looks gross. Pretty much all cooked food looks gross. That's the real of food.

Most food looks appalling, aesthetically speaking


What are you guys cooking that looks so gross?
posted by Hoopo at 2:25 PM on November 19, 2013 [6 favorites]


It's a little disconcerting to see a self-proclaimed perfectionist use the shift key in such a reckless fashion. And wtf she's apparently just throwing punctuation at a fan and letting it fall wherever. Jesus. I hate her.
posted by heyho at 2:26 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is perhaps the only time I have ever felt some kinship for Martha Stewart, as a person who specializes in food that looks pretty bad and tastes pretty good. (See also: freakout I had last weekend because I made the world's ugliest dumplings and my broiled miso eggplant was limp and beigey rather than shimmering purple. Also, lentil soup I made this morning that LITERALLY looks like Oliver Twist gruel but also has cumin-fennel-fried red onions in it.)

But really the only purpose of Instagramming your food is to brag about how you're eating at Jean-Georges and everyone else isn't, so it rather defeats the purpose if it doesn't look brag-worthy.
posted by Jeanne at 2:27 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Maybe she developed a taste for grey bland food while in prison.

I dunno, some of this stuff sounds pretty...colourful.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:28 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


turbid dahlia: "If you're trying to tell me you've never taken an entire head of iceberg lettuce, and drilled out the core, and filled the quivering cavity with a mixture of cream cheese and southwest ranch dressing, and then eaten the whole god-damned thing, then I'm calling you out as a god-damned liar."

Well, I don't particularly care for cream cheese, and I loathe ranch dressing, so....
posted by Chrysostom at 2:31 PM on November 19, 2013


What are you guys cooking that looks so gross?

Curry

Meatloaf

Beef Stroganoff

All so tasty. All so brown.
posted by sparklemotion at 2:32 PM on November 19, 2013



Honestly, food looks gross. Pretty much all cooked food looks gross. That's the real of food.

Most food looks appalling, aesthetically speaking


WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE EATING?
posted by The Whelk at 2:32 PM on November 19, 2013 [13 favorites]


Seriously my last meal was saffron chicken soup with asparagus and red onion - a delightful red-orange broth freckled with dark green and a few colorful peppers. It pleased every sense!
posted by The Whelk at 2:35 PM on November 19, 2013


Martha has a couple of cooking shows on PBS's Create network, one for general cooking and the other baking. They're both pretty good and the recipes very accessible. Martha's typically low-key but engaging.

And, yeah, snaps of food tend to be nasty.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:35 PM on November 19, 2013


But curry can be so colorful and bright!
posted by The Whelk at 2:35 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Stroganoff tho...I can't help you if you want to be willfully difficult.
posted by The Whelk at 2:36 PM on November 19, 2013 [5 favorites]


What's baffling about this is that of course the photos look terrible. Photographs of real food always look terrible and bad lighting and a cameraphone ain't going to help that. So why even try to post them online? Why would someone whose entire brand is about being perfect and beautiful do this?
posted by Nelson at 2:37 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]




The line between colourful, bright curry and still-get-in-my-belly-delicious brown curry is very fine. I choose not to walk it (and therefore don't tweet my curries)
posted by sparklemotion at 2:40 PM on November 19, 2013


As noted, food photography is quite difficult. Getting everything to look palatable and to compel you to part with your cash and buy the stuff takes artistry and work. That's why local, small restaurants that try to show off their tasty food with their own snapshots often end up with sad, garish, bizarrely colored dishes in their advertisements. Martha knows this to be the case, and so comes across as a jerk with her little snide pics. Damn.
posted by but no cigar at 2:40 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


I've managed to take perfectly decent picture of food (well, the food looks like something you would want to eat, anyway) with a camera phone. I never use the flash, which helps a lot. If the restaurant is too dark and the photo won't turn out without using the flash, then don't post a picture of the food.
posted by rtha at 2:42 PM on November 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


Jeanne, there are few transformations that slide as far down the sublimely attractive to disgusting scale as the one caused by making uncooked French lentils into lentil soup. (Have you looked at rinsed, uncooked French lentils? They're astonishing, really.) The cooked stuff sure as hell tastes better, though.
posted by mollweide at 2:43 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Whelk, the Huevos High Life recipe linked from that tweet doesn't actually use Miller High Life. Such a disappointment. Maybe someone in this thread can suggest an authentic High Life Eggs recipe?
posted by ryanrs at 2:46 PM on November 19, 2013


Curry looks fantastic, yellows and oranges and reds and greens. Meatloaf looks delicious to me, but YMMV. I've done meatloaf in muffin tins and the little guys looked excellent. Meat muffins! Wait that sounds gross.

Stroganoff looks gross, granted. Even the professionally-shot images accompanying recipes online look kinda nasty.
posted by Hoopo at 2:50 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]




Tasty!

Even tastier!
posted by rtha at 2:53 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Wedge salad is the fucking worst. Why would you even bother, just pour the ranch dressing right into your mouth.

ugh iceberg why
posted by elizardbits at 2:54 PM on November 19, 2013 [10 favorites]


I had a decent wedge salad once but it was light on the ranch dressing, had actual delicious pancetta bits, pickled pear slices and toasted pecans. It had all the colors of a Matisee and basically consumed itself.
posted by The Whelk at 2:58 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


rtha, when can we all come over? What should we bring?
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 3:03 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


The wedge salad at The Palm is my shit. "Iceberg Lettuce Wedge Danish blue cheese, toasted walnuts, bacon, cherry tomatoes, chives and fried onions". But you are right, I would be happy with just bacon slathered in blue cheese and fried onions.

Of course their Caesar is the shit too but you can't go to a steak place and order two salads.

The wedge at Keens is brutally bare bones simply, "Iceberg Lettuce Wedges, Blue Cheese Dressing"
posted by Ad hominem at 3:03 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Iceberg wedge is like the traditional steakhouse salad.

I do know what an iceberg wedge is, I just thought that particular picture is quite probably the worst food picture I've seen in a very long time. And no amount of lighting or focus or color correction would have helped.
posted by kmz at 3:05 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


I can't believe I am defending iceberg lettuce. Disclaimer: Most iceberg is horrible.

The single best salad I have ever had was made from iceberg. The lettuce had just been picked like that morning and then it had been stored in some sort of magical ice bath until lunch. And it was like eating this transcendent lettuce made out of water and pure essence of joy. It was .... incredible. Turns out fresh iceberg is like some magical beast of lettuce, which upon even the slightest bit of age turns into the dry, bitter, tasteless horror that we are familiar with. A unicorn robbed of its horn.
posted by stoneweaver at 3:08 PM on November 19, 2013 [15 favorites]


I do know what an iceberg wedge is

sorry, I wasn't trying to saladsplain, I was just making conversation.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:10 PM on November 19, 2013 [4 favorites]


Iceberg is just crunchy water, how can it be objectionable? (it's also a key ingredient in a peanut butter lettuce and mayo sandwich (don't hate it's crazy delicious))
posted by schoolgirl report at 3:14 PM on November 19, 2013 [6 favorites]


Uh, I mean of course it is a great offense to the smartphones-are-robbing-us-of-all-humanity orthodoxy to take pictures of your food, but seriously it's not that hard to take a decent picture of well-presented food.

Yes, I know all about food photography as an industry, and that on a professional basis, food photography probably adheres to the highest technical standards of all pro photography, but seriously. Anyone with an iPhone can take better pictures of food than this. All my Instagram-wielding friends are able to do it just fine.

Martha's just not even trying with that horrendous flash. I dunno, I guess these restaurants are dimly lit? It's not the food's fault either, these dishes should look more appealing than this. It's just that flash coupled with the auto-focus not focusing in the right spot.
posted by malapropist at 3:18 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


It tastes like nothing so why not just eat the tasty components of the salad on their own without the sad pretense of being healthy by eating a "salad"?
posted by elizardbits at 3:19 PM on November 19, 2013


JUST CRAM THE BACON AND CHEESE AND NUTS INTO YOUR FACE STOP PRETENDING
posted by elizardbits at 3:20 PM on November 19, 2013 [8 favorites]


The iceberg is like the blini to the caviar and crème frâiche. Sure I could ladle caviar and crème frâiche into my gaping maw but I need a conveyance. Plus it adds some crunch.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:22 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Is a ladle not a conveyance?
posted by ryanrs at 3:24 PM on November 19, 2013 [7 favorites]


Something recent I cooked - I only took the picture cause I was cooking off the Hannibal Food Stylist recipes, natural light, no flash.

OK, so who else was expecting that to be a portrait?
posted by maryr at 3:24 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Is a ladle not a conveyance?

You got me there.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:25 PM on November 19, 2013


yes your smetana-smeared fists are the conveyance
posted by elizardbits at 3:26 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


As a person who likes salad made from real greens, I'll agree that when you get good, fresh iceberg lettuce it's really good. Crunchy, juicy, mild...I love it.
posted by triggerfinger at 3:26 PM on November 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


Weight Watchers Recipe Cards from 1974

Also, I am highly disappointed my family's traditional Fat Lady Salad was not on there somewhere. I would really like to know what it was originally billed as.
posted by maryr at 3:27 PM on November 19, 2013




without the sad pretense of being healthy by eating a "salad"?

Fiber and water for happy poops.
posted by The Whelk at 3:30 PM on November 19, 2013


Me, I'm too old. But my kids make instagrams of our food all the time, and it looks delish, wether we are at home or out, and we eat a lot of brown food here and there. Ms Stewart needs help.
posted by mumimor at 3:30 PM on November 19, 2013


It tastes like nothing so why not just eat the tasty components of the salad on their own without the sad pretense of being healthy by eating a "salad"?...JUST CRAM THE BACON AND CHEESE AND NUTS INTO YOUR FACE STOP PRETENDING

Try it the other way -- cramming handfuls of raw spinach down your craw with your bare hands. Conan the Vegetarian.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 3:31 PM on November 19, 2013


Yeah but you could eat things that have the same benefits as iceberg that are also TASTY.

i mean lbr i don't actually care what anyone on earth anywhere ever eats as long as it is not my food
posted by elizardbits at 3:32 PM on November 19, 2013


You guys why are we arguing about iceberg lettuce when we should be agreeing that Martha Stewart must be returned to prison?
posted by orme at 3:32 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


I DO I EAT ARUGULA OUT OF A BAG LIKE POPCORN AT THE MOVIES people think it is weird but i care not for their silly feelings
posted by elizardbits at 3:32 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


I once ate an entire bag of raw spinach in the manner of Doritos a while back, much to everyone's horror.


I just ...really really like fresh spinach.

And cooked spinach is vile and farty.
posted by The Whelk at 3:32 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


ARGUALA MAKES LESS NOISE THAN POPCORN WHY DON'T THEY JUST SELL IT THERE

I mean ..what?
posted by The Whelk at 3:33 PM on November 19, 2013


Also why are large quantities of watercress hard to track down.

I have peppery green needs.
posted by The Whelk at 3:33 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


I have a problem with raw kale. Do people actually eat raw kale? I love it cooked, but raw it is pretty terrible.
posted by ryanrs at 3:34 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


What you do is you put nacho cheese all over the raw kale.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 3:36 PM on November 19, 2013


Spinach is the second worst deli salad bar base after mesclun.

Romaine, chick peas, shredded cheddar, ham, bacon, croutons, ranch dressing 4 life.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:36 PM on November 19, 2013


lollo rosso forever

also mache
posted by elizardbits at 3:37 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


food intrinsically looks gross? are none of you on instagram?
posted by danny the boy at 3:40 PM on November 19, 2013


All this yelling, it's like some people are really mungry.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:43 PM on November 19, 2013


Reddit, for all its faults, is pretty good at food pictures: food foodporn tonightsdinner eatsandwiches ramen and bunches more.
posted by ryanrs at 3:46 PM on November 19, 2013


I DO I EAT ARUGULA OUT OF A BAG LIKE POPCORN AT THE MOVIES people think it is weird but i care not for their silly feelings

I once ate an entire bag of raw spinach in the manner of Doritos a while back, much to everyone's horror.


elizardbits and The Whelk, you are my people.
posted by infinitywaltz at 3:47 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


technically we are your eldritch abominations
posted by elizardbits at 3:50 PM on November 19, 2013 [15 favorites]


Of course their Caesar is the shit too but you can't go to a steak place and order two salads.

Sure you can. You just order two steaks to wash down your two salads with. (The price of admission to this human freak show is simply ordering two salads and two steaks and placing them in front of my ravenous maw and quickly removing yourself from between them and said maw so that you may safely retain your limbs.)


I have a problem with raw kale. Do people actually eat raw kale? I love it cooked, but raw it is pretty terrible.

I love raw kale. I'll eat it plain. Or drenched in ranch or honey mustard. Or just lightly spritzed with rice vinegar and soy sauce. But I've been known to eat it plain by simply tearing off handfuls of the stuff, but I'll do that with raw broccoli and other crunchy, stinky veggies, too.

Mainly I like that kale is not only really good for you but it has amazing shelf life compared to spinach or spring greens or whatever. It's like the twinkie or cockroach of the salad greens.

Plus you can make granola out of it. (Google: Kale granola. Or kale chips.) Or blend it into shakes.
posted by loquacious at 3:50 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Am I the only person who thinks the food, despite poor lighting, looks pretty good? I trust that food cooked by professional chefs will taste great even if a cream sauce is pallid under oddly contrasted light. A side effect of Instagram and photography as a hobby seems to be that everyone is a critic of photographic quality; "If you can't take a perfect photo, don't take a picture!"

Martha Stewart's job is tastemaking, so it makes perfect sense that she would post photographs of the food/decor in her life. She's a 72(!) year-old woman working a camera phone. Some things do not come naturally, despite the tone of commentary in this article (and in this thread).

I guess it's surprising to me that it's cool to hate Martha Stewart. She may not be the best or nicest person, but there are worse crimes than photography and taupe bath towels.
posted by Turkey Glue at 3:56 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Insider trading, for instance.
posted by Nelson at 4:07 PM on November 19, 2013 [8 favorites]


Am I the only person who thinks the food, despite poor lighting, looks pretty good?

With respect to the wedge salad at least, probably
posted by Hoopo at 4:09 PM on November 19, 2013


Arugula is up there with coriander on my list of "things that suck and are green".
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:11 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm with you Turkey Glue. I find the comments here and on twitter depressingly mean spirited.

The first "it looks like barf" comment can come across as a bit funny, if jeering. Then a quick ha ha with "JESUS CHRIST MARTHA" .. the "you dumb ..." tagline implied but not said, no wait, of course on twitter it's said.

Dive deep through the replies and feast on the hilarity. Oh my sides, it's so funny. It's Martha Stewart, she went to jail, isn't that hilarious!

I'm just getting old and less cranky I suppose. People easily take the excuse that they are just punching up. But, there is no such thing when you are part of a mob. On the internet, even celebrities can be bullied.
posted by PissOnYourParade at 4:13 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


And yeah, I think in general people who dislike her dislike Martha Stewart for the way she presents things in her TV shows and magazines. They set an impossibly high standard with the things she (apparently) produces, and that can make people feel inadequate and frustrated. And this just shows that what she has been trading on isn't even realistic, because apparently without a staff of professionals, even the food she eats ant proper good restaurants looks like crap.

I find the comments here and on twitter depressingly mean spirited.

To what, iceberg lettuce?
posted by Hoopo at 4:16 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


At least she didn't tweet a pic of white bread.

Last time I ordered white bread in public I was with my boss and he literally hid his face in shame.

My secret shame is that I make sandwiches at home on $1.79 a loaf white bread.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:22 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Wait, people are operating under the assumption that Martha Stewart even carries her own phone? I would have guessed there was a posse of at least three people in charge of operating and carrying her phones.

Ripping on someone who is a self-declared lifestyle-and-food maven for extremely lackluster cellphone pics of food from ostensibly a-list eateries is pretty tame on any given scale of meanness.

Look, Martha Stewart is - by her own choice and concerted, life-long efforts - not regular people. She's not.

You generally don't achieve that kind of fame and notoriety without stepping on a lot of toes and faces and/or putting forth a lot of work to get there.*

So, yeah, she probably kind of deserves whatever lampooning she's going to get. We're making fun of her in her own self-declared field of expertise. It's not like we're making fun of her for her age, sex, race, creed, orientation or other attribute that isn't supposed to be her field of choice. We're making fun of her for extremely unflattering, un-Martha-like photographs of badly plated and photographed food.

* Sure, some rare few people get to be so famous because they're simply that talented, nice and that awesome. Mr. Rogers. Jim Henson. Perhaps Julia Child. These people are unfortunately all too rare and may not actually be human, and Martha Stewart is certainly not among them.
posted by loquacious at 4:29 PM on November 19, 2013 [7 favorites]


If she feels bad she can just go drink the blood of a still living kitten* in her gift-wrapping room or whatever it is those people do when people aren't looking at them.

*Or buy a sweater, whatever, same thing.
posted by The Whelk at 4:32 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


My secret shame is that I make sandwiches at home on $1.79 a loaf white bread.

I'm all about the $1.00 loafs of plain cheap-ass wheat bread these days. That or making my own loaves of plain white for less than a dollar, which is admittedly much more awesome and delicious, but it's a plain white loaf that costs less than a dollar.

My bread of choice used to be whatever 2.50ish 9 or 12 grain wheat bread, but then I realized that I didn't like my sandwiches to be that big, and one slice wasn't enough for a whole sandwich, so I wisely downgraded to "broke ass old bachelor sandwich bread" and I'm fine with that.
posted by loquacious at 4:34 PM on November 19, 2013


Why would you even bother, just pour the ranch dressing right into your mouth.

DON'T MIND IF I DO.

I may have to go out right now and run to Shaw's and pray they haven't closed the salad bar. This thread has given me TEH CRAVINGS for The Least Healthy Salad in America: "iceberg mix," cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, grilled chicken, pepperoni, shredded cheddar cheese, croutons, and "Southwest Ranch" dressing.

I must have it. It is crucial to fetal development that I possess this abomination right now.
posted by sonika at 4:41 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


I will now remind greg nog to post his photos of the time he successfully deep fried ranch dressing
posted by elizardbits at 4:45 PM on November 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


Iceberg has essentially zero fiber, it is pure conveyance but I suspect it can be good when not stomped like Mexican dirt weed. Romaine and bibb for life. I was down with raw spinach til I found out it's not good for you in the amounts I'd like to shove into my mouth. Sorry! Oxalates FTL

No amount of punching up from the Internet will constitute bullying of a celebrity of this stature and notoriety. Sorry! OK, directly harassing via Twitter, email, Facebook is no good, but mocking on a blog is a OK. When it bleeds into real life and whatnot, sure. She is fail and lives in a bubble. Let us eat hate. But yeah the whole "impossible standard of table setting" that others like the Barefoot Contessa promote is eminently mockable unless you have the time and skrill and friends who give sufficient fucks without chuckling behind your back.
posted by lordaych at 4:55 PM on November 19, 2013


I once deep fried a ranch style home, while dressing. Now I just pick them up on the way to work, convenience is worth it
posted by lordaych at 4:58 PM on November 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


Her ( the barefoot contessa) show is always on at the gym when I'm doing cardio and I've now trained myself to go when it's on so I can have a running Marxist commentary in my head to her " try to use the good stuff" Westport fantasia.
posted by The Whelk at 5:00 PM on November 19, 2013


She's kind of like a gangsta rapper blowing on that purple kush and rolling in a ride that's dirty but still so clean it'll wash a baby's ass like that Irish spring. But their wordplay is infinitely more clever and varied. And flowery, Big Pun intended
posted by lordaych at 5:02 PM on November 19, 2013


My one Martha Stewart story
posted by The Whelk at 5:03 PM on November 19, 2013


I HAVE OBTAINED SALAD. Anyone who was writing "Crazy Pregnant Lady Destroys Boston in Salad Seeking Rage" headlines can take a deep breath.

In honor of Martha, I got Russian dressing. I can feel my arteries clogging in glory.
posted by sonika at 5:13 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Raw kale is great with oil and vinegar.
posted by oceanjesse at 6:13 PM on November 19, 2013


Kale in all its forms is wonderful, but paprika-y kale chips are their best preparation.

Also, most of the food I make looks awful but tastes delicious, so I don't complain. But I also don't put it on the internet and tell people it's tasty. No one would believe me. (Example: the fake-out General Tso's I made last night)
posted by enjoymoreradio at 6:28 PM on November 19, 2013


Could it be that she's trying to be ironic? Because if you think about it, a lot of what people try to accomplish via Facebook/Twitter/blogging is to show how picture-perfect their lives are, which is exactly what Martha was selling decades ago. So maybe she's losing business because of all the imitators and needs to branch off in a different direction. This could be a trend . . .
posted by auntie maim at 6:33 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh lord, sonika, the Shaw's salad bar. There's one near my work and it's glorious. Especially the pepperoni, which is probably the most cost-effective salad bar item in terms of both calories and deliciousness.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:35 PM on November 19, 2013


I am so glad Australia finally "found out" about kale in the last couple of years, it's seriously one of the Best Things.
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:40 PM on November 19, 2013


Wait, people are operating under the assumption that Martha Stewart even carries her own phone? I would have guessed there was a posse of at least three people in charge of operating and carrying her phones.

Ripping on someone who is a self-declared lifestyle-and-food maven for extremely lackluster cellphone pics of food from ostensibly a-list eateries is pretty tame on any given scale of meanness.

Look, Martha Stewart is - by her own choice and concerted, life-long efforts - not regular people. She's not.


I don't know, I've seen her at a restaurant and she looked like she was genuinely having fun and enjoying food with her friends. I didn't see her taking pics or anything but she didn't have minions doing anything for her.

I fully accept she might be horrible at work and mean/haughty or whatever but people aren't like terrible all the time. I guess to me it just looks like she's having fun and genuinely enjoys food and wants to record the experience, which is generally what people are doing with Instagram/FB food pics or whatever.
posted by sweetkid at 6:54 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh lord, sonika, the Shaw's salad bar. There's one near my work and it's glorious. Especially the pepperoni, which is probably the most cost-effective salad bar item in terms of both calories and deliciousness.

Probably the same Shaw's. Next to the Pru? Pepperonis were had, and they were indeed delicious.
posted by sonika at 8:09 PM on November 19, 2013


Also, I am highly disappointed my family's traditional Fat Lady Salad was not on there somewhere. I would really like to know what it was originally billed as.
posted by maryr at 3:27 PM on November 19 [+] [!]


I know I'm going to regret asking, but...I need to know what this is.
posted by Salamander at 8:12 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


I appreciate that some of you are trying to be charitable, but the reason her photos look terrible is that no one will be honest with her and tell her so. I take photos of food with my phone on not-infrequent occasions, and they don't suck this badly. And plenty of people do it - Foodspotting is a great place to see thousands of successful enough food photos (along with many crappy ones, but the many good ones prove my point)- so it's definitely not something a only pro can do, or something at so high a difficulty level that someone who uses a bone folder to make paper quillwork on guest-room Kleenex can't master. You just have to pay attention. It's all about never ever using the flash, and also the dead-on birds'-eye angle rarely does a plate of food a favor. You have to stand up, or you're too close to it. There are a few simple things you can do to improve the result. It's clear that Martha doesn't much care about the quality of these photos, and has never asked for advice,or her usual detail-focused, rigid and obsessive approach would have taken over by now .
posted by Miko at 8:14 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think a lot of food kind of looks like barf, because barf was food like just a minute ago. Anything that's cut into little pieces or is a sauce could look barfy.

I like to see really perfect-seeming people do normal stuff sometimes, so these are nice. The ones that I could see (can't get to twitter because China) look like the food actually looks in when I'm in a dimly-lit restaurant and about to eat it. Most of my meals are not eaten in a brilliant white kitchen with sunlight streaming in, unfortunately. I doubt it's because no one has mentioned it; there have to have been immediate negative replies (not a twitter user, so I'm prolly using the wrong lingo) and rts if you have as many followers as she does.

Maybe my standards have been lowered by Chinese high school cafeteria food, but I'd eat the shit out of that barf salad right now. Alas, Imma go eat some oily, tepid, overcooked veggies and burnt rice right now instead.
posted by MsDaniB at 12:55 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Wedge salad is the fucking worst. Why would you even bother, just pour the ranch dressing right into your mouth.

Replace "ranch" with "wasabi" and, erm, yes.

JUST CRAM THE BACON AND CHEESE AND NUTS INTO YOUR FACE STOP PRETENDING

This + arugula = yes. One of my favorite epiphanies of singlehood was the day I sat scronching on fresh-from-market spinach while drizzling vinegar and olive oil over it at will, looked at cheese waiting to be cut nearby, and I stopped, grinned, and realized I would never have to clean another salad bowl again.

That and raclette while sitting on a bar stool in front of the stove. Also: see how they photographed it? Psh. That is NOT what raclette looks like. It looks like cheese drooling everywhere (you cannot actually see the other bits if you have done it correctly).
posted by fraula at 1:24 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also, anyone who thinks these look bad has not seen the technicolor Jell-o cookbooks I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART. Those are disgusting food photos.

Hers are poorly done food photos.
posted by MsDaniB at 1:41 AM on November 20, 2013


I, for one, do my own improvisatory cooking at home which is then photo'd like so, and like so. Eat that, Martha!

Ok but more seriously I am a semi fan of Martha as well, and I don't really have any issues with her photos.
posted by polymodus at 3:03 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


Nah, my Shaw's is further out. If I worked next to the Pru, my lunch every day would be Ben & Jerry's with a side of Sephora nail polish.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:17 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's the French onion soup picture that baffles me. The rim of the bowl wasn't wiped off before putting it under the broiler, so the splattered soup burned, which just looks terrible. And I'm confused at how she managed to burn the toasts and yet only half melt the cheese. The flash photo doesn't help, but even good lighting wouldn't hide that the soup was just made badly.
posted by dnash at 5:09 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


This thread is making me want to dine with elizardbits and The Whelk.
posted by pxe2000 at 8:42 AM on November 20, 2013


[cannibal pun]
posted by The Whelk at 10:57 AM on November 20, 2013


I know I'm going to regret asking, but...I need to know what this is.

Salamander, it is sadly nothing as exciting as what you might imagine. The name comes from its origin in a 70s era Weight Watchers TOPS* (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) cookbook - hence my hopes that it might appear on one of those recipe cards. I shall provide the recipe here for posterity: Look, ye mighty, and despair.
FAT LADY SALAD: A traditional holiday side dish from Franklin County, Vermont
  • 1 cup (8 oz) cottage cheese
  • 1 8 oz can crushed pineapple
  • 1 8 oz tub Cool Whip (Cool Whip Lite is also acceptable)
  • 1 pkg JELL-O (or Royal) gelatin dessert powder preferably in raspberry or cherry flavor, but really, it depends on your color scheme
Fat Lady Salad is best made the night before your large family dinner.
  1. Thaw Cool Whip. Ideally the frozen whipped topping should be placed in refridgerator the night before preparation, but you have probably forgotten to do this. Curse. Blame whoever you feel was supposed to remind you to take the Cool Whip out of the freezer last night (hint: it is probably your father/husband). Leave it on the counter for three or four hours, but not too long or it will get soupy.
  2. Drain crushed pineapple into a juice glass. Allow your youngest child to drink the pineapple juice. They will drink half and forget about the glass. You will find it this evening when trying to lay the silverware out for tomorrow's dinner.
  3. Combine cottage cheese, crushed pineapple, and gelatin dessert powder in a large bowl. Mix well.
  4. Fret that it looks really, really red. Does it always look that red? Were we supposed to use more pineapple?
  5. Fold the by-now-mostly thawed Cool Whip into the very red cottage cheese mix. Continue to fold until well mixed and free of red streaks, but be cautious not to overfold and deflate the Cool Whip entirely. The final product should be roughly the color of strawberry frosting.
Fat Lady Salad may be served in that crystal bowl from your wedding that you only use for the large holiday family dinner. Make sure your eldest daughter is very careful with the bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and store overnight in the fridge (or the garage if it isn't too cold out).
Sadly, I don't have any pictures as my family has mostly stopped making this at the holidays - it was very popular when we were kids, but as we have entered our 20s and 30s and gone out into the world, its appeal has dimmed. We no longer require a cotton candy pink component to our meals. But lest ye be horrified by this actually innocuous side dish, allow me to point out what Kraft thinks a Waldorf salad is. (I know better - I've been responsible for the Waldorf salad for Christmas dinner for over ten years now.)

*: Source correction from my mother.
posted by maryr at 5:42 PM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


> the reason her photos look terrible is that no one will be honest with her and tell her so

I used to work for her, and I've got to say: yup. People were terrified of her.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:38 AM on November 23, 2013 [4 favorites]


allow me to point out what Kraft thinks a Waldorf salad is.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
posted by The Whelk at 9:47 AM on November 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'd try it.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:55 AM on November 23, 2013


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