“Walking through walls training systems” + more wtf patent applications
December 15, 2013 12:30 PM Subscribe
John Quincy St. Clair has a considerable body of patent applications well worth reading. Inventions include the Remote viewing amplifier, “[an] apparatus which enhances the ability of a person to perform remote viewing by connecting the human spiritual eye to the tetrahedral geometry of subspace”, and the Walking through walls training system, a “training system which enables a human being to acquire sufficient hyperspace energy in order to pull the body out of dimension so that the person can walk through solid objects such as wooden doors.”
The rejections of said patents by examiners like Leo Boutsikaris, Ph.D., J.D., are also great reading: “[…] the connection of a ‘hyperspace’ with the ‘spiritual eye’ via refraction of light through the Plexiglass sheet ([022]), which supposedly provides for the ‘remote viewing’ to ‘alien civilizations’, is not supported by any scientific and credible reasoning, for at least the reason that ‘spiritual eyes’, ‘hyperspace’, are terms that […] are not recognized in science, and ‘alien civilizations’ have not been discovered as of today.”
Even more awesome is Jon Henderson’s Branding-energy amplifier, a “branding-energy amplifier for amplifying the branding-energy of the Volkswagen beetle.”
See http://portal.uspto.gov/pair/PublicPair and search on Publication Number 20050055221 for example), click on the Image File Wrapper tab, click the checkbox for the rejection, and then the blue “PDF” image for more “I wonder what it’s like to be doing this patent clerk job for real” moments.
The rejections of said patents by examiners like Leo Boutsikaris, Ph.D., J.D., are also great reading: “[…] the connection of a ‘hyperspace’ with the ‘spiritual eye’ via refraction of light through the Plexiglass sheet ([022]), which supposedly provides for the ‘remote viewing’ to ‘alien civilizations’, is not supported by any scientific and credible reasoning, for at least the reason that ‘spiritual eyes’, ‘hyperspace’, are terms that […] are not recognized in science, and ‘alien civilizations’ have not been discovered as of today.”
Even more awesome is Jon Henderson’s Branding-energy amplifier, a “branding-energy amplifier for amplifying the branding-energy of the Volkswagen beetle.”
See http://portal.uspto.gov/pair/PublicPair and search on Publication Number 20050055221 for example), click on the Image File Wrapper tab, click the checkbox for the rejection, and then the blue “PDF” image for more “I wonder what it’s like to be doing this patent clerk job for real” moments.
The real surprise these days is that there are any patents that get rejected.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 12:45 PM on December 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 12:45 PM on December 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
How in hell did this get past the patent examiner? Seems like these days the only thing they reject is perpetual motion.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 12:46 PM on December 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 12:46 PM on December 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
OK, it looks like it didn't get past the examiner. My faith is restored.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 12:57 PM on December 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 12:57 PM on December 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
This invention is a training system which enables a human being to acquire sufficient hyperspace energy in order to pull the body out of dimension so that the person can walk through solid objects such as wooden doors.
You're doing it wrong. See that shiny thing about halfway down?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:00 PM on December 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
You're doing it wrong. See that shiny thing about halfway down?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:00 PM on December 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
I was with him right up to "tetrahedral".
Everyone knows subspatial geometry is a hypercycloidal fractal.
Is that what kids are calling the Timecube these days?
posted by radwolf76 at 1:04 PM on December 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
Everyone knows subspatial geometry is a hypercycloidal fractal.
Is that what kids are calling the Timecube these days?
posted by radwolf76 at 1:04 PM on December 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
Stand-up comedy in patent-application form is a thing, apparently, and I am giggling my face off.
posted by runehog at 1:13 PM on December 15, 2013
posted by runehog at 1:13 PM on December 15, 2013
And yet I know of a (trademark) application where the father is using the daughters name to attempt to avoid his own legal liabilities to the State and I can't seem to get anyone to grow a pair and call up the Lawyer daughter and ask her if she applied. But lying on forms/perjury don't seem to matter in the New America....the one that accepts "it was the least untrue answer" as being valid.
(1 - the application is using the fathers email address. 2 - the section where it asks if you are a lawyer was not checked, yet she holds a bar card.)
posted by rough ashlar at 1:36 PM on December 15, 2013
(1 - the application is using the fathers email address. 2 - the section where it asks if you are a lawyer was not checked, yet she holds a bar card.)
posted by rough ashlar at 1:36 PM on December 15, 2013
Laugh all you want but that guy may be onto something here. Believe it or not but I once walked right through a glass door as a kid. This incredible feat did however require some aid in form of a powerful technological device traditionally called a "screwdriver", lengthy in shape and with a hardened metal tip that can appear cross shaped or flat, which, if pointed at a solid material can alter the material's frequency in such a way that your own body, still vibrating at base frequency can pass right through it. Alas the energies involved in the vibrational shift were too much for the glass sheet and it shattered into a thousand pieces.
It was an amazing experience but I had a hard time convincing anybody of the truth I had discovered, especially my parents. Nowadays I can understand their reaction. They were just afraid of having their iron cage of consensus reality rattled by admitting that everything they believed in was false. Subconsciously I think they knew though... My dad didn't let me near any screwdrivers for quite a while.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 1:56 PM on December 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
It was an amazing experience but I had a hard time convincing anybody of the truth I had discovered, especially my parents. Nowadays I can understand their reaction. They were just afraid of having their iron cage of consensus reality rattled by admitting that everything they believed in was false. Subconsciously I think they knew though... My dad didn't let me near any screwdrivers for quite a while.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 1:56 PM on December 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
BitterOldPunk, your link generates less false positives if you include Quincy in the name.
I like the Chi Energy Amplifier and the Full Body Transportation system.
posted by eye of newt at 2:07 PM on December 15, 2013
I like the Chi Energy Amplifier and the Full Body Transportation system.
posted by eye of newt at 2:07 PM on December 15, 2013
You accidentally linked to a DARPA funding page.
posted by benzenedream at 2:49 PM on December 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by benzenedream at 2:49 PM on December 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
Yeah. We're going to need more goats.
posted by Mezentian at 3:20 PM on December 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Mezentian at 3:20 PM on December 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
Huh. I thought everyone knew the cheat code for noclip mode by now.
posted by Skwirl at 4:19 PM on December 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Skwirl at 4:19 PM on December 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
OK, it looks like it didn't get past the examiner. My faith is restored.
Yeah, but they didn't patent acquiring hyperspace energy OVER THE INTERNET.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:38 PM on December 15, 2013
Yeah, but they didn't patent acquiring hyperspace energy OVER THE INTERNET.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:38 PM on December 15, 2013
This puts me in mind of Major General Albert Stubblebine, the sponsor of NSA's remote viewing program STAR GATE. Apparently he was forever running into walls as he attempted to psychically tune the molecules of his body to walk through them. True story.
posted by scalefree at 7:55 PM on December 15, 2013
posted by scalefree at 7:55 PM on December 15, 2013
Major General Albert Stubblebine, the sponsor of NSA's remote viewing program STAR GATE.
"The Men Who Stare at Goats", right?
posted by mrbill at 9:08 PM on December 15, 2013
"The Men Who Stare at Goats", right?
posted by mrbill at 9:08 PM on December 15, 2013
And I found this patent application that claims to "present a biomedical mechanism of feasibly effecting tangible human immortality" and which references the first patent application in the OP.
posted by gyc at 9:09 PM on December 15, 2013
posted by gyc at 9:09 PM on December 15, 2013
"The Men Who Stare at Goats", right?
Indeed. I actually had some dealings with a couple characters from that outfit as I extricated my then-fiancee from their clutches because they believed she was their "chosen one" possessed of special powers they could tap into in furtherance of their intramural war on the CIA they were also trying to recruit us into. My favorite quote, from an email one of them wrote her: "as you know I can travel through time". It was then I learned the Intelligence Community has large pockets of pure insanity buried deep within it. She went on to marry someone else & spent several years as an advisor to the President on cyber terrorism. It'd make a nice chapter if I ever decide to write my memoirs.
posted by scalefree at 10:21 PM on December 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
Indeed. I actually had some dealings with a couple characters from that outfit as I extricated my then-fiancee from their clutches because they believed she was their "chosen one" possessed of special powers they could tap into in furtherance of their intramural war on the CIA they were also trying to recruit us into. My favorite quote, from an email one of them wrote her: "as you know I can travel through time". It was then I learned the Intelligence Community has large pockets of pure insanity buried deep within it. She went on to marry someone else & spent several years as an advisor to the President on cyber terrorism. It'd make a nice chapter if I ever decide to write my memoirs.
posted by scalefree at 10:21 PM on December 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
This explains why I kept getting stuck in the wall in Super Mario 64.
posted by arcticseal at 4:04 AM on December 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by arcticseal at 4:04 AM on December 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
The Beetle-branding application is glorious poetry. This is Ferlinghetti, I'm sure of it:
Perhaps beetle globular rotundity mirrors the measurelessness of the circle in the way that Beethoven's Ode to Joy echoes the immortality of the circle; or the way that pi mathematically numbers circular numberlessness.
It is also quite conceivable that, in the minds of many, beetle orbular sphericity reproduces the incomparable curvaceous purity of a pregnant woman.
Concept limos, in nontraditional shapes, have been produced by recreating popular flagship models in the limousine format;
both the Dodge-Ram limo and the Hummer limo are daring implementations;
making unmistakably bold statements;
and having body-lines which seem to extend toward infinity and beyond.
The Hummer limo is almost
the land-based version of a nuclear-powered aircraft-carrier;
complete with
impossibly-accurate laser-guided weapons;
thundering 8000-millimeter canons;
mach-10 Navy fighter-jets;
brilliant-banners beaming;
rockets red-glare gleaming;
.JOHN.PHILLIP.SOUZA.
salutes nautically-exploding from fresh-pressed dress-whites;
a
n
d
RED AND WHITE AND OLD-GLORY-BLUE snapping smartly in the salted spray.
hummmmmmm.
hummmmmmme.
hummmmmmmer
People should almost be required to wear a flak-jacket while Just standing next to a Hummer limo.
B-l-G-G-E-R T-H-A-N B-l-G.
LARGER
THAN
LIFE.
THIS Is the limo by Hummer!
Extending the Length.
Extrapolating the Concept.
Breaching the Boundaries.
Breaking the Bonds.
Transcending the Barriers.
Acquiring the Aura.
Amplifying the Energy.
Building the Brand.
Making the Money.
posted by GrapeApiary at 6:41 AM on December 16, 2013
Perhaps beetle globular rotundity mirrors the measurelessness of the circle in the way that Beethoven's Ode to Joy echoes the immortality of the circle; or the way that pi mathematically numbers circular numberlessness.
It is also quite conceivable that, in the minds of many, beetle orbular sphericity reproduces the incomparable curvaceous purity of a pregnant woman.
Concept limos, in nontraditional shapes, have been produced by recreating popular flagship models in the limousine format;
both the Dodge-Ram limo and the Hummer limo are daring implementations;
making unmistakably bold statements;
and having body-lines which seem to extend toward infinity and beyond.
The Hummer limo is almost
the land-based version of a nuclear-powered aircraft-carrier;
complete with
impossibly-accurate laser-guided weapons;
thundering 8000-millimeter canons;
mach-10 Navy fighter-jets;
brilliant-banners beaming;
rockets red-glare gleaming;
.JOHN.PHILLIP.SOUZA.
salutes nautically-exploding from fresh-pressed dress-whites;
a
n
d
RED AND WHITE AND OLD-GLORY-BLUE snapping smartly in the salted spray.
hummmmmmm.
hummmmmmme.
hummmmmmmer
People should almost be required to wear a flak-jacket while Just standing next to a Hummer limo.
B-l-G-G-E-R T-H-A-N B-l-G.
LARGER
THAN
LIFE.
THIS Is the limo by Hummer!
Extending the Length.
Extrapolating the Concept.
Breaching the Boundaries.
Breaking the Bonds.
Transcending the Barriers.
Acquiring the Aura.
Amplifying the Energy.
Building the Brand.
Making the Money.
posted by GrapeApiary at 6:41 AM on December 16, 2013
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Everyone knows subspatial geometry is a hypercycloidal fractal.
Also: holy crap, dude is a veritable surfeit of horse shit and weirdness.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:42 PM on December 15, 2013