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Doctors: Buy Visine but buy other things with it
March 4, 2014 6:53 PM   Subscribe

New Marijuana Study Says Everyone Knows You're High And You'll Likely Be Stoned Forever (SLOnion...or is it?)

Bonus: Refresh the page and see what happens.
posted by zombieflanders (96 comments total) 49 users marked this as a favorite

 


Those are all supposed to be the same link, right?
posted by The Potate at 6:59 PM on March 4


Skip to about halfway on all them.
posted by azarbayejani at 7:01 PM on March 4 [6 favorites]


That's great. It reminds me of the cute cat picture slideshow they had the other day that devolved into an existential crisis.
posted by codacorolla at 7:05 PM on March 4 [3 favorites]


Those are all supposed to be the same link, right?

Yeah, man. Absolutely. Stay cool, don't freak out or anything, they all look exactly the same to the rest of us too, you're playing along seamlessly...
posted by RogerB at 7:05 PM on March 4 [5 favorites]




Hey Potate, let's go for a walk or something, get some fresh air into you.
posted by ashbury at 7:11 PM on March 4 [5 favorites]


You just gotta let it take over your forebrain and all that silliness will just vanish.
posted by planetesimal at 7:11 PM on March 4 [1 favorite]


THIS IS THE TRUTH is the creepiest fucking thing I've seen in weeks.
posted by Itaxpica at 7:22 PM on March 4 [3 favorites]


I always wondered what the anti-drug PSAs in Night Vale looked like
posted by The Whelk at 7:31 PM on March 4 [13 favorites]


(it's one thing to describe the nightmare paranoid chills it's another to actually induce it in the viewer.)
posted by The Whelk at 7:33 PM on March 4 [1 favorite]


Shameful confessions: It has literally taken me 30 minutes to parse the phrase "buy Visine but buy other things with it". I'd been interpreting it as "buy Visine, then use the Visine as alternate currency to buy different stuff". I was thinking, maybe there is some kind of paranoia/money laundering joke happening here, probably that makes sense, sure.
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:35 PM on March 4 [61 favorites]


calm down LM we're going to take you to a safe place *faces falls off*
posted by The Whelk at 7:36 PM on March 4 [10 favorites]


I AM SUPER CALM
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:37 PM on March 4 [3 favorites]


Buying a big bag of chocolate-laden trail mix along with your Visine will throw off the cashier.
posted by planetesimal at 7:37 PM on March 4 [8 favorites]


look very very serious and intensely at things, no one focusing this hard at the cashier counter could be stoned
posted by The Whelk at 7:39 PM on March 4 [4 favorites]


Shameful confessions: It has literally taken me 30 minutes to parse the phrase "buy Visine but buy other things with it". I'd been interpreting it as "buy Visine, then use the Visine as alternate currency to buy different stuff". I was thinking, maybe there is some kind of paranoia/money laundering joke happening here, probably that makes sense, sure.



No need to feel bad. I didn't realize that I wasn't reading it right until I read your comment and then it took me a few to figure it out.
posted by Jalliah at 7:40 PM on March 4 [3 favorites]


This is exactly why I cant smoke pot because I get like this
(and because everyone can tell I am like this, stop looking, why are you looking, stop reading this comment)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:46 PM on March 4 [3 favorites]


(Like with the food-craving, the paranoia horror only ever happened to me once, I think cause I was overseas and tired and not expecting the potency. I think at one point I was walking home with my back to the wall cause I terrified of falling into the sky)
posted by The Whelk at 7:48 PM on March 4 [3 favorites]


(Although I always enjoyed the paranoia of others who, in a room full of people doing drugs, become worried that someone in the room might think they are doing drugs)
posted by The Whelk at 7:50 PM on March 4 [12 favorites]


(long story short don't have a bad drug experience near me cause I'll make it worse.)
posted by The Whelk at 7:51 PM on March 4 [7 favorites]


jesus christ whelk! Fuck off! I mean it!
posted by ashbury at 7:51 PM on March 4 [16 favorites]


(convinces you you are my dead sister)
posted by The Whelk at 7:52 PM on March 4 [23 favorites]


I find it extremely comforting that these experiences (embellished, I know) are so common as to be parodied by The Onion.
posted by Spiced Out Calvin Coolidge at 7:52 PM on March 4 [8 favorites]


I hadn't been high for a while, and then ate some pot brownies and watched Dredd (2012). It was great, but also sort of horrifying because I realized that all the pretty slow-mo stuff was people getting blown to shreds accompanied by Justin Bieber. Still a blast, though.
posted by codacorolla at 7:53 PM on March 4 [3 favorites]


I was right with you on the Visine bartering, LobsterMitten
posted by thelonius at 7:54 PM on March 4 [1 favorite]


"I don't know man that stuff just doesn't effect me."

"You sat facedown and gave a half-hour long speech about how every Taylor Swift song is really a coded reference to blossoming lesbianism."

"...."
posted by The Whelk at 7:56 PM on March 4 [9 favorites]


See, I get anxiety that I'm more stoned than everyone else, and that this reflects somehow on my coolness quotient.

Also, historians will discover this thread was the origin of the wildly successful cryptocurrency viscoine
posted by enjoymoreradio at 7:56 PM on March 4 [11 favorites]


What is it like to see someone die?
I wonder if my mom knows
posted by Spatch at 7:56 PM on March 4 [14 favorites]


Wow, the refresh experience is....really something. Glad I'm 100% stone cold.
posted by Miko at 7:58 PM on March 4


Maybǝ I'm just rǝally high, but I don't sǝǝ what's funny about thǝsǝ.
posted by empath at 7:59 PM on March 4 [4 favorites]


Schwa, schwa. Schwa schwa schwa, schwa. Schwa?
posted by planetesimal at 8:01 PM on March 4


So, using marijuana doesn't make you paranoid, but listening to reports about marijuana does.

Also, TheOnion is either the best website to visit while high or the worst or both
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:04 PM on March 4 [1 favorite]


OhGoodGod. I watched this earlier today ('Area Man Masters Use of Esc Button To Circumvent Onion 3 Articles in 30 Days Quota') and already thought it was hilarious, but without this post would have had no idea that they'd taken a great idea much, much further
posted by Flashman at 8:10 PM on March 4


LobsterMitten: "Shameful confessions: It has literally taken me 30 minutes to parse the phrase "buy Visine but buy other things with it". I'd been interpreting it as "buy Visine, then use the Visine as alternate currency to buy different stuff". I was thinking, maybe there is some kind of paranoia/money laundering joke happening here, probably that makes sense, sure."

Or your just high.

Which, we totally know you are.

Also... WTF... Did someone dose my weed with DMT, because what's up with that really trippy shit at the end. woah!
posted by symbioid at 8:18 PM on March 4 [1 favorite]


Visine is generally bad for eyes. Try an eye lubricant perhaps, which costs more.
posted by Brian B. at 8:19 PM on March 4 [2 favorites]


I am actually getting flashbacks to the few times I smoked pot and remember why I don't.
posted by sweet mister at 8:24 PM on March 4


Half of this is the familiar stoner paranoia, but yeah, the refresh links go off into that bad hallucinogenic trip hell and I feel like maaaybe there should be a trigger warning for PTSD somewhere. Not really, but, jesus. Set and setting, kids, set and setting. WAKE UP. WAKE UP.
posted by naju at 8:24 PM on March 4 [5 favorites]


That's great. It reminds me of the cute cat picture slideshow they had the other day that devolved into an existential crisis.

6 Dogs Who Know How To Have Fun
[Slide 10:]
"There’s absolutely nothing left to see at all! Not a thing! Listen, you’ve already gone way too far and, believe me, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into."
posted by Rhaomi at 8:27 PM on March 4 [6 favorites]


I'm not even high and my jimmies are thoroughly rustled.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:33 PM on March 4 [4 favorites]


Hmm, I don't know, there's blood something about these that I don't blood. I think it's a blood too on the blood. Blood blood, blood blood blood blood.
posted by en forme de poire at 8:46 PM on March 4 [4 favorites]


This is not a good post for MetaF--oh, who the fuck am I kidding?
posted by R. Schlock at 8:47 PM on March 4


I find it extremely comforting that these experiences (embellished, I know) are so common as to be parodied by The Onion.

Hear hear!
posted by So You're Saying These Are Pants? at 8:47 PM on March 4


Hmm, I don't know, there's blood something about these that I don't blood. I think it's a blood too on the blood. Blood blood, blood blood blood blood.

Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.
posted by Rhaomi at 8:57 PM on March 4 [1 favorite]


no drug experience will ever match accidentally taking too much ambien and waking up on a friend's floor across the city 12 hours later with no memory of the intervening time.
posted by The Whelk at 8:57 PM on March 4


oh god the "THIS IS THE TRUTH" one is so awesome that I can't ever watch it again
posted by en forme de poire at 8:59 PM on March 4 [4 favorites]


I think these illustrate perfectly why I have to drink when I get high.
posted by coolxcool=rad at 9:07 PM on March 4 [5 favorites]


I heard sometimes people smoke reefer cigarettes and post on Metafilter.
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 9:09 PM on March 4 [2 favorites]


So these were awesome but now I am alone in my apartment

Anyone wanna hold me for a few minutes

Anyone with a face, I mean
posted by en forme de poire at 9:10 PM on March 4 [6 favorites]


Took me several years before figuring the anxiety wasn't worth the high, but god bless all stoners. The common precautions for LSD often apply to weed because my best tokes have been taken with acid: safe, with friends, not delivering pizzas
posted by gorbweaver at 9:11 PM on March 4 [2 favorites]


(Stories of anxiety or paranoia are always interesting cause while I've been on a few horrible anti-anxiety medications (cause sometimes it's really awful can't leave the house bad) and nothing does the "take the edge off and let you return to normal and not sweat through your clothes and be unable to talk" like a quick one hit before say, talking to audience of your peers on a really technical topic. Then again I rarely got the stereotypical stoned side-effects so maybe it's just My Brain.)
posted by The Whelk at 9:19 PM on March 4 [5 favorites]


Jesus, this ain't erowid so enjoy the video and move on, and smoke up in peace.
posted by planetesimal at 9:23 PM on March 4 [2 favorites]


I watched this then started to watch Porkin' Across America again.

wow
posted by avocet at 9:35 PM on March 4 [3 favorites]


That was perfect.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:36 PM on March 4


dude I could totally go for some pork
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:51 PM on March 4


So I can verify that this works as intended don't ask me how
posted by Lectrolamb at 9:53 PM on March 4


Porkin' Across America is like some next level shit - every reality show, tv-slot filling trope made horribly sinister and uncomfortable.
posted by The Whelk at 10:07 PM on March 4 [3 favorites]


This works fine on IE, but just plays the straight video on Firefox.
posted by dirigibleman at 10:09 PM on March 4 [2 favorites]


This works fine on IE, but just plays the straight video on Firefox.

THANK YOU. I thought I was just weird and everyone was messing with me.

Took me several years before figuring the anxiety wasn't worth the high, but god bless all stoners. The common precautions for LSD often apply to weed because my best tokes have been taken with acid: safe, with friends, not delivering pizzas

Those are the precautions for LSD? I get the not delivering pizzas (work + driving + acid = massive mistake, how could that even be a thought?! were you actually delivering pizzas while tripping? what a freaking waste! did you come out with good tips and nobody dying?), but I thought the rest was of the "is LSD a good idea?" checklist was basically, "if you think this experience might be mind-blowing *without* acid, just imagine..."
posted by rue72 at 10:13 PM on March 4 [1 favorite]




The Whelk:Then again I rarely got the stereotypical stoned side-effects so maybe it's just My Brain.)

Nope, not just your brain. Proud member of the cannabis achiever's club, here. MMJ dispensaries can steer you to the strains that are reputed to have a more focusing and calming effect.
posted by echolalia67 at 10:34 PM on March 4


There is no reason to be paranoid.
posted by NSA at 10:54 PM on March 4 [8 favorites]


Because they REALLY ARE out to get us??
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:58 PM on March 4


They just want to hug you.
posted by b1tr0t at 11:07 PM on March 4 [1 favorite]


With their rough stamens
posted by smidgen at 11:42 PM on March 4 [2 favorites]


In their petrochemical arms
In their electronic arms
Their arms
posted by en forme de poire at 12:03 AM on March 5 [5 favorites]


no drug experience will ever match accidentally taking too much ambien and waking up on a friend's floor across the city 12 hours later with no memory of the intervening time.

But does it count as an unmatchable experience if you didn't...experience it?

Dude!
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 12:23 AM on March 5


Oh yes, I remember the first time I got high. It was during the bicentennial. Haven't felt herbal paranoia since the Carter administration, but thanks for the memories.
posted by kinnakeet at 2:38 AM on March 5


Shameful confessions: It has literally taken me 30 minutes to parse the phrase "buy Visine but buy other things with it". I'd been interpreting it as "buy Visine, then use the Visine as alternate currency to buy different stuff".

Visicoin will soon make up 74.3% of the world's currency supply.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:44 AM on March 5


Haven't felt herbal paranoia since the Carter administration

Do you have any Allman Brothers?
posted by thelonius at 2:55 AM on March 5 [2 favorites]


no drug experience will ever match accidentally taking too much ambien and waking up on a friend's floor across the city 12 hours later with no memory of the intervening time.
posted by The Whelk at 21:57 on March 4


That was my experience years ago every time we bought a fifth of Cuervo and "accidentally" started doing shots straight out of the bottle.
posted by krinklyfig at 4:30 AM on March 5


thelonius, it was SOP to be good and crispy for SNL back then and I recall laughing my ass off at this specific skit. The campus stoners believed that SNL--then brand-new--had been created specifically for us, and Saturday Night was in many ways the high point of the week.

And yes, we towelled the door and burned incense, and at some point somebody would go "WHAT'S THAT NOISE?" and we'd turn down the volume on the grainy B&W TV and listen, breathlessly, for what we knew would be uniformed men come to arrest us.

Then somebody would turn the volume back on again and we'd resume giggling...
posted by kinnakeet at 5:09 AM on March 5 [1 favorite]


By far the scariest part was the apparently real ad for some kind of blood flavored malt liquor that popped up on the third refresh
posted by ook at 5:14 AM on March 5


Once I overindulged and decided the best thing to do would be to steal the statue of Virgin Mary in the apartment hall and put it over the head of my sleeping boyfriend of the time. I have never laughed so hard. And then he woke up and was not amused. Which was the most hilarious thing ever. Except that I saw the seeds of the end of our relationship in his grouchy response, which was the worst thing ever.

It was the first time I was like 'ok that was too high'
posted by angrycat at 5:26 AM on March 5 [1 favorite]


Oh, I love this. I have a friend who, almost every time he gets high, gets the worst paranoia. I don't know why he still smokes. Also he hates snakes. I sent this to him. I hope he's not high. Or maybe I don't.

And put me in the never-got-paranoid camp. Although the first time I smoked I got greenout-high and accidentally ate a little laundry detergent because I thought it was chocolate. It was not.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:30 AM on March 5


I am definitely in the "can't smoke, not good" camp.

I got high once and visualized another me walk through my bedroom door and sit down next to me to tell me about the future.

another me walked through the door and told me about the End Times.

another me walked through the door and told me the angels sing my name in Hell.

another me walked through the door and just stood there, so sad.

another me walked through the door and there are so many doors....

I'M FINE, MOM! JUST......GOD!
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 7:06 AM on March 5 [2 favorites]


Went in for an emergency Visine purchase, and there were two versions side by side on the shelf. One had the slogan "Gets the Red Out," and the other, "Gets the Red Out FAST!"

The second one cost one cent more.

I had to spend a few minutes thinking through the values and motives implied, embedded, or evidenced in that offering.
posted by StickyCarpet at 8:12 AM on March 5 [6 favorites]


These remind me of that profoundly unsettling video simulating what it's like to have schizophrenia that made the rounds a few years back. Good lord.
posted by The demon that lives in the air at 9:27 AM on March 5 [1 favorite]


I had a friend in college who, when quite stoned, had the feeling his teeth were falling out. So you could tell how stoned he was by whether he just had one thumb holding up his teeth, or both thumbs holding his teeth in.
posted by gingerbeer at 9:33 AM on March 5 [2 favorites]


My best weed experience was going on a 20 minute soliloquy about ham and how much I loved it. People told me they were very moved by my passion for it. My girlfriend at the time was offended I never talked about her like that. Ham, y'all. I love it.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:34 AM on March 5 [7 favorites]


I don't see anything interesting on refresh.
posted by Night_owl at 10:40 AM on March 5


I will advise you: do not go into a college cafeteria or a supermarket on LSD
posted by thelonius at 10:45 AM on March 5


Don't, on LSD, go to a party where the host is slapping his butt, encouraging the dog to mount him. Then don't have a convo with the chef for the Florida governor. He'll tell you that he's going to poison Janet Reno if he has a chance, and you will clutch the ground, suddenly and horribly remembering the movie Jacobs Ladder
posted by angrycat at 11:08 AM on March 5 [1 favorite]


LobsterMitten: It has literally taken me 30 minutes to parse the phrase "buy Visine but buy other things with it". I'd been interpreting it as "buy Visine, then use the Visine as alternate currency to buy different stuff". I was thinking, maybe there is some kind of paranoia/money laundering joke happening here, probably that makes sense, sure.

Oh my god if that's NOT what "buy Visine but buy other things with it" means, SOMEONE PLEASE tell me how to read it.

I am literally freaking out twisting my brain trying to parse it, and I'm coming up empty.
posted by RedOrGreen at 11:08 AM on March 5


Nobody tell him. If he knows, he'll find out about us.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:17 AM on March 5 [2 favorites]


It means you go to the store, pick up the Visine, then spend 20 minutes staring at the Chips Ahoys (do you know how many kinds they make now?), put the Visine down so you can see if the peanut butter cup ones have whole peanut butter cups in them and how do they do that anyway and then walk into the door on the way out feeling like you've forgotten something.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:19 AM on March 5 [3 favorites]


"Buy other things along with the Visine, to make it less conspicuous/suspicious". Sort of like buying a card along with a box of chocolates, to make it seem like you're not going to keep the chocolates for yourself and scarf them all down as soon as you get home.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:20 AM on March 5 [4 favorites]


I'm trying to decide if this was the best title for me to use, or the worst, or maybe both.

Anyway, it means "buy something else, not just a bottle of Visine." The train of thought is that you're paranoid that your eyes are red, so you go into the store to get some Visine. But now you're thinking that it'll be blindingly obvious to the cashier that you are stoned out of your gourd, so you have to find some innocuous item to add to your order. So now you have to wander around trying to find something--wait, are those muthafuckin' Doritos just staring at you, taunting you with fake nacho cheesy goodness? OK, you gotta get some of those...shit, now they'll know you've got the munchies...let's see. Of course! Get 2 sticks of deodorant, some of that double-sided tape for hanging posters on your wall, and a 12-pack of toilet paper. That'll throw 'em off your trail! Now that you have successfully camouflaged your stoner purchases, your mind recoils at the thought of having to deal with math, and possibly a conversation involving another human being. But wait, there's a self-service counter, that'll save your bacon! Sadly, figuring out how to hold your purchases in your hand, run them through the scanner, bag them, and conduct the payment process proves harder than you originally thought. Eventually, bag in hand, you wander towards the exit only to be stopped by--HORRORS!--the anti-theft alarm going off. Heart pounding and palms sweating, you wait for the clerk to come over and check your bag ("Don't worry, this happens all the time, I think it's broken"), until you finally achieve blissful freedom. Oh, shit, where are your goddamn keys?! You could have sworn they were in your pocket. Are they in your coat? No. Are they in your other pocket? No. Are they in your back pocket? No. Wait, are they in the bag? Whew, there they are! How the hell did they get there?

Mission. Fucking. Accomplished. It only took you 45 minutes and 3 circuits of the entire store, with a running commentary of the above in what you believe is an internal dialogue. Job well done, compadre!
posted by zombieflanders at 11:31 AM on March 5 [11 favorites]


"Once you were a baby and now you are a criminal."
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:54 AM on March 5 [5 favorites]


Having one prosthetic eye means never, ever having to buy visine when you're stoned.
posted by goo at 2:20 PM on March 5






Nothing on refresh here either, tried in two browsers. Onion video does not have a great compatibility track record so no surprises.
posted by Sand at 4:48 AM on March 6


Nothing on refresh here either, tried in two browsers. Onion video does not have a great compatibility track record so no surprises.

I'm not sure if waited through the first half of the video before determining nothing had changed - but the first part of the video is the same for all of them.

If that didn't work, you can just use the links to the individual videos at the top of the thread.
posted by Miko at 5:14 AM on March 6




DEA Official: 'Every Single Parent' Opposes Marijuana Legalization

I was seriously expecting this to be another Onion link.
posted by Dr-Baa at 9:26 AM on March 8


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