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“Jostling occurred for an extended period of time, then silence.”
April 3, 2014 5:11 AM   Subscribe

Erotica Written By an Alien Pretending Not to be Horrified at the Human Body. (slTheToast)
posted by Kitteh (60 comments total) 50 users marked this as a favorite

 
“Some sort of gel emerged.”
posted by ignignokt at 5:30 AM on April 3 [4 favorites]


"I adore the fact that you are secreting a damp, sticky layer of mucous," I said to her seductively. "It does not repulse me at all in any way."

"Oh, yes!" she cried. "Now place your sensory apparatus and organs of ingestion where that mucous is being exuded, remarkably close to my waste excretion zones!"

"Nothing could please me more," I said. "Oh, my, look at that. Parts of you are becoming engorged with blood, not unlike a parasitic insect of some kind."

"I am making noises like a small creature being tortured!"

"This is arousing for some reason!"

"Oh! It is like a seizure brought on by some kind of congenital brain disfunction!"

"I am having a similar seizure in response! It is like some kind of communicable disease!"

"Let us agree to do this again, so long as we are hidden away in a darkened area where none can see how entirely non-disgusting it is."

"I find your suggestion entirely appropriate."
posted by kyrademon at 5:36 AM on April 3 [79 favorites]


"Everything was just a mess"
posted by estuardo at 5:41 AM on April 3 [3 favorites]


Yeah, but it was a hot mess!
posted by valkane at 5:43 AM on April 3 [1 favorite]


It's odd that these imagine supposedly highly-advanced species are so utterly unfamiliar with sexual activities that it confounds them. I far prefer the Farscape version of alien reaction to human sex...That we're a particularly fragile species.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:43 AM on April 3 [3 favorites]


This reminds me of Nice Pete's horrifying attempts to write a romance novel.
posted by edheil at 5:48 AM on April 3 [14 favorites]


Best read in the voice of Mr. French from "Family Affair".
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 5:58 AM on April 3 [1 favorite]


Pro Tip: Read it entirely in Castiel's voice.
posted by griphus at 5:59 AM on April 3 [16 favorites]


They are flapping their meat. Rubbing their meat together. For reals.
posted by clvrmnky at 6:06 AM on April 3 [6 favorites]


The key part of human copulation is that the disgust portions of the human brain are deactivated first. Then the rest of the brain follows. Sometimes for a few years.
posted by srboisvert at 6:07 AM on April 3 [4 favorites]


Akin to a story by Stanislaw Lem, I think, in the Cyberiad, where a Robot encounters a person. Lem describes the human from the Robot's perspective.
posted by john wilkins at 6:10 AM on April 3 [1 favorite]


Pro Tip: Read it entirely in Castiel's voice.

"If the pizza man truly loves this babysitter, why does he keep slapping her rear?"
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:14 AM on April 3 [14 favorites]


We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 6:20 AM on April 3 [20 favorites]


Yeah, but it was a hot mess!

A hot, wet mess.

The key part of human copulation is that the disgust portions of the human brain are deactivated first. Then the rest of the brain follows. Sometimes for a few years.

The common experience is to have the disgust portions turned back on about five minutes later: "Oh god, what have I done? How do I get out of here?"

Actually, I can remember reading a science fiction short story that did a similar thing, describing human sex from an outside perspective. I can't remember the author, but I think it was in a collection that maybe came out after Dangerous Visions -- some sort of 1970s new wave SF, probably written by some guy all wired on speed to emulate PK Dick.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:24 AM on April 3 [2 favorites]


I've always thought a hot mess should be like when you're disheveled and messy, but it's totally working for you.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:26 AM on April 3 [3 favorites]


Nine lunar cycles later, a juvenile human larva tore through the female's genitals. Finally, the couple abandoned the enitre disturbing practice for good.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:27 AM on April 3 [39 favorites]


"No, He must be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal system through a major recreational facility?" [The beginning of this joke is left as an exercise for the reader alien.]
posted by The Bellman at 6:29 AM on April 3 [12 favorites]


Mallory Ortberg is a modern American treasure.
posted by schroedinger at 6:35 AM on April 3 [9 favorites]


probably written by some guy all wired on speed to emulate PK Dick

"When not directly involved in copulation, humans find this fleshy protrusion amusing, and will often try to insert jokes about it in otherwise unrelated conversation."
posted by Dr Dracator at 6:35 AM on April 3 [4 favorites]


Most of these were kind of, "Yeah, so? At least we don't have love darts," for me, but this one. The simplicity. The accuracy without in any way being correct. The poetry:

“Together they put all of their clothes in a pile on the floor, where the dog lives.”
posted by WidgetAlley at 6:42 AM on April 3 [3 favorites]


"Let's.. make... more... HUMANS!"
posted by hat_eater at 6:43 AM on April 3


It's also hard to imagine a species that's so familiar with minutia of Human culture that they can use a Chinese finger-trap in a simile, yet be so ignorant of such a common activity as sex.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:43 AM on April 3 [3 favorites]


I think some specimen of Homo sapiens qualify.
posted by hat_eater at 6:45 AM on April 3 [3 favorites]


This is a very hereronormative alien.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:48 AM on April 3 [7 favorites]


Also,

MetaFilter: "I am having a similar seizure in response! It is like some kind of communicable disease!"
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:49 AM on April 3 [2 favorites]


"Together they put all of their clothes in a pile on the floor, where the dog lives.”

And then got on the bed, where the dog is asleep.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:49 AM on April 3 [8 favorites]


The entity that wrote that was not so much an alien as a hyper-intelligent seven-year old with Asperger's.
posted by Segundus at 6:52 AM on April 3 [1 favorite]


...a hyper-intelligent seven-year old with Asperger's.

That's God, you're thinking of God.
posted by griphus at 6:55 AM on April 3 [2 favorites]


An alternate view of alien-human relationships, by James Tiptree Jr. (aka Alice Sheldon): And I Awoke and Found Me Here on the Cold Hill's Side - humans are obsessed with the alien, who are generally repulsed by us.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:00 AM on April 3 [3 favorites]


That was hot.
posted by swift at 7:15 AM on April 3


No, not the hammer, Gator! Use the needle-nose pliers!
posted by sonascope at 7:20 AM on April 3


Metafilter: Jostling, then silence.
posted by entropone at 7:21 AM on April 3 [4 favorites]


He's no different from the rest of you organisms. Shooting DNA at each other to make babies. I find it offensive!
posted by borkencode at 7:25 AM on April 3


They are flapping their meat. Rubbing their meat together. For reals.

Well, they are made out of meat, after all.
posted by Johnny Assay at 7:45 AM on April 3 [4 favorites]


"When not directly involved in copulation, humans find this fleshy protrusion amusing, and will often try to insert jokes about it in otherwise unrelated conversation."

Correct except for the first clause.
posted by straight at 7:51 AM on April 3 [3 favorites]


To overthink this (well it is on metafilter after all), this isn't alien enough sounding. It's fairly inconsistent, we expect the aliens to be aware of the conception that domesticated dogs are dirty, to have a fear of birds and to understand what a Chinese finger trap is, whilst not having a word for 'sexual organ'.

It should read like a medical textbook, with a few common sense observations thrown in: 'The human with an external sexual organ, inserts said organ into the other human's internal sexual organ. They oscillate at a period of 0.2 - 1.5 Hz for around 2 minutes (using the local time units - see conversions in appendix 3). Following this, the human with external sexual organs emits a quantity of genetic material into the internal sexual organs of the other human, and also emits a large quantity of saline from the photon detecting organs, for the next 30 minutes'.

I mean, that obviously isn't funny, but come on, let's have a bit of accuracy people
posted by Ned G at 8:08 AM on April 3 [2 favorites]


This is pretty much just an episode of 3rd Rock from the Sun, isn't it?
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:12 AM on April 3 [1 favorite]


We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

Surely this kind of information can be expressed in digital form, and sent via email?
posted by The otter lady at 8:20 AM on April 3


Heck, even Morse code should work!
posted by filthy light thief at 8:52 AM on April 3


Surely this kind of information can be expressed in digital form, and sent via email?

Amusingly, DNA is seriously being considered as a high-density storage medium. Casual googling says a complete human genome is about 3 terrabytes: your SMTP server would probably choke on it.
posted by Dr Dracator at 9:08 AM on April 3


Heck, even Morse code should work!

My genitalia have always seemed purpose-made for semaphore.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:12 AM on April 3


Checking the instructional videos that mostly make up the internet, I note that human males tend to only have one mating prong.

I withdraw the suggestion.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:15 AM on April 3 [3 favorites]


TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT
posted by Westringia F. at 9:41 AM on April 3


> Amusingly, DNA is seriously being considered as a high-density storage medium.

Yep! Here's George Church's 2012 Science article demonstrating it (article is free but requires registration).

> Casual googling says a complete human genome is about 3 terrabytes

That can't be right. Human DNA is 3 billion bases long, with each base in one of 4 states (A/C/G/T); that's the equivalent of 6 billion bits, or 715MB. Your SMTP server still wouldn't be happy, but you could put it on a CD for the MeFiSwap just fine.

(Obviously that calculation doesn't count epigenetic modifications -- DNA methylation, &c -- but even that won't bring it up to TB. Nor does it account for redundancy in the genetic code, which in nature reduces DNA's capacity.)
posted by Westringia F. at 10:01 AM on April 3 [1 favorite]


your SMTP server would probably choke on it

So I should put my pants back on?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:07 AM on April 3 [1 favorite]


your SMTP server would probably choke on it.

Rule 34 and all that, but I suspect this would invalidate the warranty.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:21 AM on April 3 [4 favorites]


That can't be right. Human DNA is 3 billion bases long, with each base in one of 4 states (A/C/G/T); that's the equivalent of 6 billion bits, or 715MB.

Well, it's a sex post: Some exaggeration in size is to be expected.
posted by Dr Dracator at 10:28 AM on April 3 [7 favorites]


"A terabyte? That will never fit!" quavered the server....
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:52 AM on April 3 [3 favorites]


with each base in one of 4 states (A/C/G/T); that's the equivalent of 6 billion bits, or 715MB.

Isn't it even less data than that, as it's the base pair, A-T/C-G that encodes information? That gives 3 billion bits, or ~375 MB.
posted by Ned G at 11:36 AM on April 3


Goodness, what happened to this thread?
posted by entropone at 12:12 PM on April 3


That's what the female vocalized!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:41 PM on April 3 [4 favorites]


The humans create friction until each experiences a minor seizure.
posted by bleep at 1:05 PM on April 3


Ned G: three billion bases is the length of the double helix, not the length of the two strands added together. So it already counts the helix as if it's just one strand, for exactly the reason you gave. I suppose you could phrase it as "three billion base pairs" for added clarity, but who has the time?
posted by metaBugs at 1:23 PM on April 3


> Isn't it even less data than that, as it's the base pair, A-T/C-G that encodes information? That gives 3 billion bits, or ~375 MB.

The base pairs can go either way; A-T is different from T-A. That is, the bases on the so-called "coding"/"sense" strand encode the information; they're paired to the complementary bases on the anti-sense strand that binds to the coding strand & covers it up when it's not being replicated or transcribed (eg), but the coding strand can indeed be any sequence of A/T/G/C. The 3B figure is the number of base pairs in human DNA, or the number of bases on the sense strand.
posted by Westringia F. at 1:24 PM on April 3 [1 favorite]


"Why the male does not merely pierce the female's abdomen with his lanceolate paramere and deposit sperm directly into her hemolymph is completely beyond me..."
posted by Rhomboid at 1:51 PM on April 3 [5 favorites]


The two paired off and repeatedly attempted to occupy the same space at the same time: first standing, then lying down, each exchanging position in a vain attempt to layer one over the other to dominate the space.

Other attempts: suction, exhalation, friction, and finally one slept, while the female stared at the ceiling, secure in her ability to stand her ground.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 4:09 PM on April 3 [5 favorites]


Nice Pete says: Practice makes perfect.
posted by es_de_bah at 4:14 PM on April 3


Becoming Human
posted by homunculus at 8:35 PM on April 3


"Goodness, what happened to this thread?"
Nerds.
posted by fullerine at 9:27 PM on April 3


The two paired off and repeatedly attempted to occupy the same space at the same time:

That reminds me of this old joke about two physicists in a bar:

It's late at night and they're drunk. They get a drink each and go off into their corner. They start getting a bit frisky, and kissing and canoodling. The barman isn't too happy, but seeing as they're such good customers, he lets it slide. Before too long, though, they're both naked, and getting down to it.
The barman covers his eyes, trying not to look. As he sneaks a glimpse through his fingers, he sees something wierd - he can't make out what they're doing. He looks again, but is still confused. He turns to the drunk propping up the bar next to him, and asks, "What's going on? He seems to be screwing her over the table AND getting a blowjob at the same time. That doesn't make any sense. Looks brilliant though, doesn't it?"
"Yeh," sighs the drunk whistfully, "It's a super position."
posted by lollusc at 2:04 AM on April 4 [6 favorites]


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