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Sex Advice From An Uncomfortable Guy
April 24, 2014 7:50 PM   Subscribe

Volume 1 So there you are, having sex, on top of a guy, and you’re probably naked, and that’s, you know, that’s great. But now you’re wondering how to move around up there. Well, this one time I had sex once, and I was on top. I would get tired and fall across the body of the woman I was plowing love into. I got a cramp and, trying to get off, dug my elbows into her rib cage, which made her scream in pain. I thought that was an orgasm, so then I orgasmed, and then it was over. I blew it big time there. Just don’t do that.

AND Volume 2.
posted by mikeand1 (39 comments total) 28 users marked this as a favorite

 
Could we possibly get an, I don't know, say, NSFW here?
posted by Dashy at 7:56 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]


^ Sorry, tag added.
posted by mikeand1 at 7:59 PM on April 24


I can't help but hear this being read by the voice of Jeff Murdoch. I just hope he doesn't start appearing in my dreams because he has the power to do that. Damn you Jeff, and your magnificent stallions!
posted by scalefree at 8:03 PM on April 24 [3 favorites]


TOO MUCH SOUP
posted by escabeche at 8:03 PM on April 24 [5 favorites]


Not at work, repressing serious giggles, because Mr. Roquette is asleep.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 8:05 PM on April 24


Funny or Die needs page views so bad they're ripping off McSweeney's?
posted by benzenedream at 8:07 PM on April 24 [3 favorites]


I blew it big time there

*snort*
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:13 PM on April 24


Fresh off a Bob's Burgers spree and I am hearing this in the voice of H. Jon Benjamin. It really, really works.
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:16 PM on April 24 [12 favorites]


No one needs to be mocked harder than guys uncomfortable with sex, those fucking losers.
posted by BeerFilter at 8:35 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]


No one needs to be mocked harder than guys uncomfortable with sex, those fucking losers losers at fucking
posted by Dip Flash at 8:43 PM on April 24 [4 favorites]


Cues up Yackety Sax...
posted by Pudhoho at 8:44 PM on April 24 [3 favorites]


I keep imagining these are in the voice of the Red Letter Media guy.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:47 PM on April 24


I'm at work laughing like some kind of weirdo in the corner while the kids are asleep and my coworkers are doing work. I think I'm doing something right. ....Dr. Sex Man. So good.
posted by Marinara at 9:46 PM on April 24


The voice in my head was Carl from The Fishmasters.
posted by rhizome at 9:50 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]


No one needs to be mocked harder than guys uncomfortable with sex, those fucking losers.

To me this feels less like mocking, and more like being able to laugh about and look at the sense of insecurity and fear and awkwardness that most of us have felt at one point about sex.

Because: “Imprrrregnate, imprrrrrregnate.”
posted by justalisteningman at 9:55 PM on April 24 [6 favorites]


I'm reading this in Miranda Hart's voice and there's nothing you can do about it.
posted by Sara C. at 10:07 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]


No one needs to be mocked harder than guys uncomfortable with sex, those fucking losers.

Well, it's official. Nobody (even straight white guys) are allowed to be mocked anymore. Pack it up guys, time to go play ball-and-stick in the cave.
posted by lattiboy at 10:07 PM on April 24 [13 favorites]


Imprreegnate! Imprrregnate! is OK to shout if your partner is into Dalek roleplay.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:14 PM on April 24 [10 favorites]


First off, I would just do the dishes first. You’re going to think about them no matter how much pleasure you are having, because, let’s face it, they ain’t going anywhere!

I agree. A clean home is the best foreplay.
posted by Hicksu at 10:26 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]


Peanut butter being unsexy is funny. That isn't about being uncomfortable with sex.
posted by aubilenon at 10:33 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]


Imprreegnate!

Ensperminate, surely

posted by zippy at 10:38 PM on April 24 [27 favorites]


I laughed pretty hard at some of these:
Another thing to avoid is holding your stomach and saying, “Too much soup.” I learned that the hard way.
Also:
Maybe just get him drunk, throw the fake penis on, and say, “Is this gonna happen or what?” Holy crap, that sounds bad, too. Good luck.
Maybe it's that I know too many people who I can imagine in this role. Jon Benjamin works, too.
posted by Edgewise at 11:09 PM on April 24


This reminded me of that "sex scenes written by an alien trying to hide how disgusted they are by human sex." In fact it kind of nails something I thought was missing from those. I would have been happier if these were presented with that angle instead of the faux-McSweeney's thing. Also the Onion does the "Ask a highly specific characterization" thing a lot better and I kept forgetting this wasn't McSweeney's ripping them off.
posted by bleep at 11:19 PM on April 24


Now I need to know what the hell I'm supposed to say when I have had too much soup.
posted by Decani at 11:27 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]


ok just fuckin lost it at "on your tix"
posted by en forme de poire at 11:49 PM on April 24


To me this feels less like mocking, and more like being able to laugh about and look at the sense of insecurity and fear and awkwardness that most of us have felt at one point about sex.

Yeah. Like this (nsfw), from a female perspective. Or like this (also nsfw, also from a female perspective).
posted by en forme de poire at 11:57 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]


Ensperminate?! That's hilarious. I want to share that with people, but have no idea how to go about setting up that conversation. I guess you had to be there, huh?
posted by trif at 12:39 AM on April 25


No one needs to be mocked harder than guys uncomfortable with sex, those fucking losers.

As I was reading this I thought to myself Well, this will obviously be problematicalistical--that's axiomatic...but how? How?


I have to admit, I did not see this (particular version) coming, though
posted by Fists O'Fury at 3:30 AM on April 25


This guy seems to have a surprising amount of sex for someone who's so awkward and nervous about it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:16 AM on April 25 [1 favorite]


I can't help but hear this being read by the voice of Jeff Murdoch

Don't think of the melty man.
posted by MartinWisse at 5:22 AM on April 25 [1 favorite]


No one needs to be mocked harder than guys uncomfortable with sex, those fucking losers.

as a guy whose sex life is pretty much doomed to a hell of discomfort, dissatisfaction, and shame: lol
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:09 AM on April 25


“Is this gonna happen or what?”
posted by k5.user at 7:06 AM on April 25


Fresh off a Bob's Burgers spree and I am hearing this in the voice of H. Jon Benjamin. It really, really works.

Even moreso if you imagine that all of the question-writers are Tina.
posted by like_a_friend at 8:07 AM on April 25 [3 favorites]


"That's juicy stuff."
posted by ian1977 at 8:26 AM on April 25


I know my nipples hurt a lot, but that’s from my work pals giving me twisters whenever I jam the puzzle cutter

I hear ya, bro, I hear ya.
posted by bondcliff at 10:39 AM on April 25 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: TOO TOOTHY
posted by scrump at 12:28 PM on April 25


>Cues up Yackety Sax...<

I totally read that as Yackety Sex.

(just sayin')
posted by twidget at 2:44 PM on April 25


MeTa.
posted by homunculus at 9:51 PM on April 25


Experminate! This link is not safe for work and contains material that represents gay daleks as outrageous stereotypes for comic effect.
posted by asok at 4:09 AM on April 28


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