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Bin Laden: Now with Sith tattoos and face-melting action!
June 23, 2014 8:44 AM   Subscribe

Washington Post: CIA hatched plan to make demon toy to counter Osama bin Laden's influence
posted by prize bull octorok (40 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
Does the CIA not understand that the more badass an action figure looks, the more kids want to be just like him?
posted by Think_Long at 8:48 AM on June 23 [8 favorites]


Hah, good question. I wonder if they spent any time test-running the idea by actual civilians in Afghanistan, or if a bunch of CIA people all said "yeah, he looks spooky, let's do this!"

And now the great Devil Eyes hunt can begin. Toy Trackers, to the internet!
posted by filthy light thief at 8:51 AM on June 23


And these are the people that are paid to protect your FREEDOMTM?
posted by blue_beetle at 8:52 AM on June 23


80s kids are remembering their Infaceables right now.
posted by prize bull octorok at 8:53 AM on June 23 [2 favorites]


how low we've sunk since the glory days of Project TRIPBALLS and Operation Bomb That Makes You Gay
posted by theodolite at 8:53 AM on June 23 [21 favorites]


These will be highly valuable to collectors.
posted by stbalbach at 8:58 AM on June 23 [2 favorites]


As an adult Star Wars fan, I liked the design of the Karl-Gon Rove and Obi W. Kenobush figures better, but you know, the kids love their Darth Laden.
posted by griphus at 8:58 AM on June 23 [7 favorites]


I have clearly missed my calling. I should the person coming up with increasing bizarre and roundabout psyop ideas ( A candy bar that tastes terrible and we call it Bin-Laden!)
posted by The Whelk at 9:08 AM on June 23 [4 favorites]


And these are the people that are paid to protect your FREEDOMTM?

Well, they're paid with your tax dollars.
posted by T.D. Strange at 9:09 AM on June 23


Nice to know the children of the people who came up with the exploding conch shell plan to kill Castro, the exploding cigar plan to kill Castro, the poisoned wet suit plan to kill Castro, the cigar spiked with botulin plan to kill Castro, the thalium salt in his shoes plan to kill Castro make Castro's beard fall out, the poisoned milk shake plan to kill Castro, and other classic plans for dealing with Castro have found rewarding jobs at the CIA. I guess a side effect of its old association with the Ivys is legacy hires.
posted by Naberius at 9:13 AM on June 23 [10 favorites]


I think a Transformers bin Laden with really bad articulation would have been more effective. Kids hate it when there transformers don't fold up properly.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:16 AM on June 23 [4 favorites]


I wonder if they spent any time test-running the idea by actual civilians in Afghanistan, or if a bunch of CIA people all said "yeah, he looks spooky, let's do this!"

Err... they didn't do it. There are prototypes, but it wasn't deployed.
posted by Jahaza at 9:19 AM on June 23 [3 favorites]


I guess that's one way to demonize the enemy.
posted by ceribus peribus at 9:27 AM on June 23


And these are the people that are paid to protect your FREEDOMTM?

Well, they're paid with your tax dollars.


I thought they were paid with the money they get shipping drugs and guns into the ghetto?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:31 AM on June 23


So the return on the investment made with our tax dollars.
posted by griphus at 9:33 AM on June 23 [2 favorites]


I, for one, welcome our new melting-face-demon-toy-manufacturing overlords.
posted by duffell at 9:33 AM on June 23


Looks like an updated version of Man-E-Faces.

Given that He Man had Skeletor, why wouldn't GI Joe also have enemies? This could have been the start of a series. Next in the series and coming soon: Kim Jong-Il.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:38 AM on June 23


I want one. CIA, I'm not an American but I will send you $ for one of these.
posted by Hoopo at 9:38 AM on June 23


I, for one, am relieved that this project was cancelled so that the CIA could get back to the important business staring at goats.
posted by b1tr0t at 9:41 AM on June 23


Does the CIA not understand that the more badass an action figure looks, the more kids want to be just like him?

You'd have to make them with a deadly weakness that rendered them always beatable by GI Joe. e.g. Osama would pack up fighting in the middle of a battle to pray to Mecca.

Kim Jong-Il would have that unsightly paunch. Hitler would be missing a testicle.

(I think I missed my vocation here...)
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:41 AM on June 23 [1 favorite]


I'm pretty sure a talking Bin Laden shaped dildo programmed to recite sexual puns based on Quranic verses would have been much more effective.
posted by Behemoth at 9:51 AM on June 23 [2 favorites]


Does the CIA not understand that the more badass an action figure looks, the more kids want to be just like him?

Wait are you seriously questioning if the kind of people that join the CIA are incapable of understanding how one would concoct hero fantasies out of fiction tropes? Shit, that's their number one recruiting tool!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:52 AM on June 23 [3 favorites]


"My name is Talky Osama, and I don't like your freedom very much!"
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:03 AM on June 23 [5 favorites]


the thalium salt in his shoes plan to kill Castro make Castro's beard fall out,

Long before I heard about this plot, I remember seeing pictures of Castro at a particular point in time and thinking 'what happened to his beard?' so I'm not at all certain they didn't succeed in planting the thallium.
posted by jamjam at 10:06 AM on June 23


The beard thing was based on Castro's own symbolism.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:14 AM on June 23


The kids could get over the face, but the Kung-fu grip that doesn't hold a goddamn thing is the real anti-bin laden clincher.
posted by dr_dank at 10:30 AM on June 23


Wouldn't that be a Bin Laden anti-clincher?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:32 AM on June 23 [2 favorites]


Given that He Man had Skeletor, why wouldn't GI Joe also have enemies? This could have been the start of a series. Next in the series and coming soon: Kim Jong-Il.
posted by PeterMcDermott


Hey. HEY.
posted by COBRA! at 10:36 AM on June 23 [22 favorites]


The idea never got past prototype phase. The funding was probably cut to make room for anoher retired general to go on CNN and sell the Iraq war.
posted by humanfont at 10:51 AM on June 23


The beard thing was based on Castro's own symbolism.

Interesting! Maybe that's what my beard symbolizes, too.
posted by goethean at 11:01 AM on June 23 [1 favorite]


Action Figure Bin Laden Seen In Kinky Three Way With Barbie And Ken
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:12 AM on June 23 [2 favorites]


There are prototypes, but it wasn't deployed.

Which makes it even more likely they've remained in their original packaging. Win!
posted by octobersurprise at 11:20 AM on June 23 [3 favorites]


Action Figure Bin Laden Seen In Kinky Three Way With Barbie And Ken

The only think kinky about that in Afghanistan would be that they threw in the unclean female.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:35 AM on June 23


As an adult Star Wars fan, I liked the design of the Karl-Gon Rove and Obi W. Kenobush figures better, but you know, the kids love their Darth Laden.

Yeah, my immediate thought was, "This looks like bin Laden cosplaying at Comic-Con."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:39 AM on June 23 [1 favorite]


If they wanted to make a reputation-killing toy, why not Jar Jar Bin Laden?
posted by artichoke_enthusiast at 11:50 AM on June 23


If they wanted to make a reputation-killing toy, why not Jar Jar Bin Laden?

What do you think they are animals?!? Even the CIA aren't that soulless!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:58 AM on June 23


The Whelk - Re: (A candy bar that tastes terrible and we call it Bin-Laden!)

PETA's beaten you to (at least 2/3) of that idea.
posted by MILNEWSca at 12:33 PM on June 23


I recently discovered the r/CrazyIdeas subreddit, and I would bet all the money in my pockets that there's a summer intern at CIA whose full time job it is to monitor it for inspiration.
posted by dry white toast at 9:09 PM on June 23 [1 favorite]


Just came to say: Zero Darth Thirty.
posted by voiceofreason at 9:14 PM on June 23 [1 favorite]


I recently discovered the r/CrazyIdeas subreddit, and I would bet all the money in my pockets that there's a summer intern at CIA whose full time job it is to monitor it for inspiration.

You mean the r/CrazyIdeAs subreddit?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 4:22 AM on June 24


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