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Coming to a MeFite beach party this summer
June 24, 2014 2:54 AM   Subscribe

In a post-speedo world of increasingly European beachwear the mankini, popularized by Sacha Baron Cohen in Borat, provides an alternative method of support and coverage for the discerning sunbather. This item of modesty, predominately marketed for the male physique but occasionally for the female, has been designed across a range of colors, styles, pouch volumes and variations in the number and positioning of straps. However, the approaching summer brings more swimwear options...

For gentlemen, the side-bikini, half-thong or jock-brief offers asymmetrical functionality with a maximum tanning region. Providing more support than the CockSak pouch (review) and more freedom than the Castro brief, while available from a French online store as the String Latéral Flash Bleu the so-called banana hammock does present an additional "shave or not" dilemma. In addition, the wearer must decide whether to dress to the left or right.

For ladies, the c-string (not this one) is a g-string without the excessive fabric, thus eliminating tanning lines. Described as "a cross between a jock strap, a form of 1970s birth control, and an eye patch" this particular multi-purpose underwear/beachwear, available in a range of fabrics and colors, animal prints and merkins, "tapers to a wire that tucks between your cheeks". However, the Daily Times of Nigeria reviews the c-string as "just hanging up your backside, firm though" while others call it uncomfortable, weird and "the worst thing ever to happen to women's undergarments". A German TV program tested and reviewed the c-string in Palma. In addition, a male one size version fits most version is available, though reviewers recommend additional adhesive.
posted by Wordshore (87 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite

 
Ah, the Ides of Summer! Makes me glad I live in a region where summer is glorious but short lived.
posted by arcticseal at 3:02 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]


*Clicks on the 'side-bikini' link*

Is that... a young, built clone of Jack Killian, Police Detective turned late-night DJ?

Huh.
posted by running order squabble fest at 3:15 AM on June 24


I've already seen the side-bikini in a picture of the TOWIE boys - when exactly is someone going to invent eye bleach? Also, they're terribly unflattering. It makes everything look very...compact.
posted by billiebee at 3:39 AM on June 24


That "Castro brief" is OBSCENE. What happens if you get an erection in that thing?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:41 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]


"the worst thing ever to happen to women's undergarments"

I'm no expert, but I'm under the impression that that's saying something
posted by Fists O'Fury at 3:45 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]


These all seem downright oppressive compared to nudity.
posted by oceanjesse at 3:54 AM on June 24 [15 favorites]


Well, I can see where a combination of increasing temperatures, a decrease of spending for clothing, and a shift in what is socially acceptable, we might see a rise in clothing-optional beaches. In New York for example, women can legally be topless all the time.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 3:55 AM on June 24


Naked is the new skimpy
posted by oceanjesse at 4:02 AM on June 24


C-strings have been around for at least 4 or 5 years, as far as I know. They're a staple of the "Slave Leia Cosplay" crowd.
posted by ShutterBun at 4:03 AM on June 24


I think "scribbling on your junk with paint markers" is going to be the next big thing in euro-style mens swimwear here in the states.
posted by oceanjesse at 4:07 AM on June 24 [9 favorites]


C-strings have been around for at least 4 or 5 years, as far as I know. They're a staple of the "Slave Leia Cosplay" crowd.


I mean, I admire their commitment to the bit, but wow.
posted by running order squabble fest at 4:08 AM on June 24 [4 favorites]


Now that I've looked at some of these links I have a feeling I will be seeing nothing but c-strings and mankinis in every google ad on every website for the next 3 weeks. Thanks, metafilter.
posted by Pre-Taped Call In Show at 4:09 AM on June 24 [53 favorites]


"Ah, I see you dress to the left..."

"It's more or less by necessity."
posted by ShutterBun at 4:10 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]


I mean, I admire their commitment to the bit, but wow.

I shan't mention the "disposable, post-it note" style undies that exist. (except to say that, yeah, they exist.)
posted by ShutterBun at 4:11 AM on June 24


EmpressCallipygos: That "Castro brief" is OBSCENE. What happens if you get an erection in that thing?

Well, if they're standing less than three inches away, they'd better step back!
posted by dr_dank at 4:12 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]


Sigh. Most awkward use of the MetaFilter mod contact form ever just now, when realized I'd spelt "CockSak" incorrectly in the post.
posted by Wordshore at 4:26 AM on June 24 [66 favorites]


The pic in the pouch volumes link looks like something from the BNP.
posted by marienbad at 4:26 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]


These are all awesome and hilarious. Maybe I've been spending too much time at the local pool with the other suburban families but I would love it if a dad or two showed up in one of those mankinis. Preferably the blue over the shoulder number, or the high waisted one in the variations link.
posted by Cuke at 4:32 AM on June 24


One size fits none.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 4:37 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]


I find myself overly concerned with the Castro brief, to my shame -- now I'm wondering whether it's designed to allow for an erection, or whether it would just be too....binding. Just how form-fitting is it? Does it take into account whether the wearer is a grower?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:39 AM on June 24


those poor men.
posted by bluesky43 at 4:39 AM on June 24


EmpressCallipygos: "That "Castro brief" is OBSCENE. What happens if you get an erection in that thing?"

Worse yet, what happens if you don't?!
posted by chavenet at 4:40 AM on June 24 [18 favorites]


Amazing that we as a culture are so caught up in Certain Bits being naughty and unsuitable for public display at that we invent ugly things like the Castro or the C-string just to shelter our eyes. Not that I want to look at Certain Bits in public, but the cultural taboos fascinate me all the same.
posted by kariebookish at 4:50 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]


That "Castro brief" is OBSCENE. What happens if you get an erection in that thing?

The materials include "15% spandex stretch microfiber fabric".
posted by Wordshore at 4:52 AM on June 24


Metafilter: What happens if you get an erection in that thing?

Metafilter: the worst thing ever to happen to women's undergarments

Metafilter: a cross between a jock strap, a form of 1970s birth control, and an eye patch

I better stop now, or I suspect I would be at this a while.
posted by Slap*Happy at 4:53 AM on June 24 [12 favorites]


Click picture to enlarge

Nnnnnope.
posted by petebest at 4:57 AM on June 24 [19 favorites]


Amazing that we as a culture are so caught up in Certain Bits being naughty and unsuitable for public display

Define "we".
posted by ShutterBun at 4:57 AM on June 24


Define "we".

All those dick politicians.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:00 AM on June 24


Wow, these are all quite modest compared to what you can find at KoalaSwim (NSFW, at all).
posted by FreezBoy at 5:14 AM on June 24 [7 favorites]


We as a VERY, VERY generalised "we" - I'm well aware that attitudes differ from culture to culture (heck, even within a given culture) - but clearly someone thinks wearing a Castro is more modest than letting it all hang out, amirite?
posted by kariebookish at 5:14 AM on June 24


I think a lot of these are sold to people as novelties, kariebookish, or for specifically fetishistic purposes.

Although that might be wishful thinking, I realise...
posted by running order squabble fest at 5:20 AM on June 24


Sorry, still caught up in "why are we trying to cover some parts of the human body" thinking - from novelty stuff like the Castro via bikini tops to modest dresses .. I shall slink off immediately.
posted by kariebookish at 5:26 AM on June 24


OK, clue me up, are the KoalaSwim and Castro brief fetish items? Is there anywhere outside of a gay bath house that they would be acceptable?

Equality means women can wear trouser suits and men have the opportunity to wear uncomfortable, almost nonexistent clothing that offers minimal coverage and rolls up to the size of a squash ball when not in use.
posted by asok at 5:28 AM on June 24


MetaFilter: I shall slink off immediately.

I will see myself out, along with Slap*Happy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:29 AM on June 24


The medieval codpiece could give even the Castro Brief a run for its money.
posted by Devonian at 5:32 AM on June 24


That "Castro brief" is OBSCENE. What happens if you get an erection in that thing?


A party.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:33 AM on June 24 [6 favorites]


I find myself overly concerned with the Castro brief, to my shame -- now I'm wondering whether it's designed to allow for an erection, or whether it would just be too....binding. Just how form-fitting is it? Does it take into account whether the wearer is a grower?

Hey, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Worrying aloud about the comfort of strangers peni just means you're alive.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:41 AM on June 24


Penes. It's third declension.*

*Coincidentally, "decelension" is what happens if you relax your buttocks while wearing a single-loop mansock.
posted by running order squabble fest at 5:44 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]


What is it called if you're wearing a double-loop mansock?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:46 AM on June 24


chavenet: Worse yet, what happens if you don't?!

The old magicians trick of black thread tied to your wristwatch would get the job done.
posted by dr_dank at 5:48 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]


> "What is it called if you're wearing a double-loop mansock?"

It is inflection in a double-loop mansock, declension in a single-loop mansock, and conjugation in a no-loop mansock.
posted by kyrademon at 5:49 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]


“But what shall we dream of when everything becomes visible?” Virilio replies: “We’ll dream of being blind."
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:58 AM on June 24 [6 favorites]


That "Castro brief" is OBSCENE. What happens if you get an erection in that thing?

The materials include "15% spandex stretch microfiber fabric".


Wait, only 15%?
posted by math at 6:00 AM on June 24


A little bit of spandex goes a long way.
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:07 AM on June 24


rolls up to the size of a squash ball when not in use.

Wow, that was some particularly unfortunate phrasing, considering.

Waitaminute...


MetaFilter: rolls up to the size of a squash ball when not in use
posted by Foosnark at 6:14 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]


What is it called if you're wearing a double-loop mansock?

I was going to go for a "second dongjugation" joke, but kyrademon was classier.
posted by running order squabble fest at 6:20 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]


The materials include "15% spandex stretch microfiber fabric".

15 percent? So, for the shower, not the grower, then.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:28 AM on June 24


oh man. part of me is sending this link to my equally crude and hilarious girlfriend and part of me is cringing because now I can't take my laptop to work and finish my Amazon order until I clear my history :P
posted by lonefrontranger at 6:37 AM on June 24


It is inflection in a double-loop mansock, declension in a single-loop mansock, and conjugation in a no-loop mansock.

Eventually, someone will create a Kline mansock, which will make your junk coterminous with every point in time and space.

Which many men already believe....
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:46 AM on June 24 [5 favorites]


randomkeystrike: A little bit of spandex goes a long way.

Unless you're Lululemon, of course.
posted by gman at 6:49 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]


and merkins

Also, there's a nice tension and maybe some irony in having a garment that basically assumes the near-total removal of your own hair and replaces it with a wig. Nice colors though.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:49 AM on June 24


I'm kind of glad about this trend, cause dudes really need more skimpy, sexy clothing. My initial reaction was "Nope.", but as I looked at the pics of mostly naked hot dudes, my feelings became much more positive. I'm wondering how much of my initial negative reaction is due the lack of males being positioned as sexually desirable and sexually available in mainstream popular culture.
posted by nooneyouknow at 6:50 AM on June 24 [8 favorites]


...is a g-string without the excessive fabric

Well, there's a phrase I never expected to hear.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 6:54 AM on June 24 [5 favorites]


I have sewn two of those borat-style swimsuits. Once while I wasn't around, one of the wearers put his on sideways thus causing eyestrain to his fellow party-goers.
posted by vespabelle at 6:58 AM on June 24


> The materials include "15% spandex stretch microfiber fabric".

15 percent? So, for the shower, not the grower, then.


See, this is what I was wondering.

Suddenly I feel like Elaine Benes - "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:00 AM on June 24


One of the links is to funnyjunk.com. I'm sure there's a joke to be made there, somehow...
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 7:02 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]


Yeah, wouldn't it be easier to just go to a nude beach at some point?
posted by chunking express at 7:02 AM on June 24


Heh. I keep logged into Amazon with my wife's account, for convenience's sake. Looking at her new "recommended for you" items, well, I feel like I stumbled into some sort of targeted, negative private browsing nightmare.

You can delete Amazon's browsing history, mercifully.
posted by infinitelives at 7:05 AM on June 24 [4 favorites]


People, it's fetish wear. It's kinky lingerie for the racy side of the beach or for a naughty pool party. As hilarious as it is to imagine someone showing up at a suburban pool wearing a pouch that's not the purpose of these things.
posted by Nelson at 7:11 AM on June 24


MY LONG GAG GIFT NIGHTMARE IS OVER!
posted by running order squabble fest at 7:12 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]


I've seen pretty much every iteration of peensack bathing suit at Es Cavallet, the nakey/gay beach in Ibiza. It is a welcome entertainment in the face of luggage-toned leathery-tanned 60something germans playing an extremely vigorous game of nude paddleball on the far side of the cove in Salinas.
posted by elizardbits at 7:32 AM on June 24


My fun summer outfits are called Just Mild Sun Exposure Makes Me Burst Into A Rash I Despise The Sun And All Its Works Hiss.
posted by The Whelk at 7:35 AM on June 24 [16 favorites]


Seconded, the Whelk. I don't need a mankini - a need a burkini for men.
posted by running order squabble fest at 7:36 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]


Let's move to the Land Of Always Winter and just wear animal skins all the time.
posted by The Whelk at 7:37 AM on June 24 [2 favorites]


so north of the wall then
posted by elizardbits at 7:40 AM on June 24 [7 favorites]


While we're on the topic, can someone please notify Europe (yes, all of it) that it is actually illegal* to wear budgie-smugglers on Australian beaches? The only acceptable swimwear for men is boardies.

Great, thanks.


(*not really)
posted by Salamander at 7:40 AM on June 24


so north of the wall then

I'll take white walkers over swimwear anyway.
posted by The Whelk at 7:42 AM on June 24


In swimwear I am a white walker.

Until I blister and turn bright red, of course.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:07 AM on June 24 [6 favorites]


...we as a culture are so caught up in Certain Bits being naughty and unsuitable for public display…

I read that as Certain Brits.
posted by Kabanos at 8:20 AM on June 24


That Castro brief looks like a Hawkeye Initiative version of the thing in superhero comics where the artist draws a naked woman (usually from some universe with weird laws of physics and/or biology) and then just colors the costume on her body.

In fact, I would suggest that all future parodies in the spirit of the Hawkeye Initiative should have the men wearing Castro briefs.
posted by straight at 8:34 AM on June 24


the mankini, popularized by Sacha Baron Cohen in Borat, provides an alternative method of support and coverage for the discerning sunbather. This item of modesty, predominately marketed for the male physique but occasionally for the female

As can by demonstrated by anybody who has a passing familiarity with the album cover work of 2 Live Crew...
posted by jonp72 at 8:39 AM on June 24


I find myself overly concerned with the Castro brief, to my shame -- now I'm wondering whether it's designed to allow for an erection, or whether it would just be too....binding. Just how form-fitting is it? Does it take into account whether the wearer is a grower?

As Nelson pointed out above, these are not made for wandering onto your average beach. They're more or less specifically targeted at gay men, essentially as male lingerie and/or a fetish thing (tight fitting swimwear is, unsurprisingly, a very widespread turn-on/kink/fetish in the gay male world), for wearing to Pride, special parties, backyard pool parties, and certain beaches which have an only or predominantly gay male populace.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:53 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]


I wonder what it would be like to have the confidence or turn of mind to wear these things in public, even in a fetish context.

I mean I don't like shorts cause I think they're too revealing.
posted by The Whelk at 8:59 AM on June 24


As can by demonstrated by anybody who has a passing familiarity with the album cover work of 2 Live Crew

Or Ice T
posted by asok at 9:01 AM on June 24


MY LONG GAG GIFT NIGHTMARE IS OVER!

I see what you did there.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:14 AM on June 24


Epic thread, guys. Seriously just a great showing by all.
posted by Inkoate at 10:34 AM on June 24


When a fig leaf is too much.
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:47 AM on June 24


... budgie-smugglers ...

My European friends just about died when I introduced this phrase to them.
posted by shelleycat at 11:25 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]


How fast were you swimming?

posted by mmrtnt at 12:03 PM on June 24


I wouldn't classify myself as an actual "never nude" but I for sure wouldn't be out of place at their convention. What I'm saying here is that clicking on some of these links gave me a near-anxiety attack. If you wanted to get the secret nuclear codes out of me, forget about waterboarding. Just threaten to send me outside in a speedo, and it's game over.

I always thought the joke of the Borat swimsuit was that he was wearing a regular speedo, but pulled it up over his shoulders. Kinda disappointed that it's a real thing.
posted by billyfleetwood at 1:11 PM on June 24


This is the best worst post in some time. I love that the "additional adhesive" link features the artful declaration: "Have an awesome ass. I'm not being nasacistic [sic], just realistic."
posted by psoas at 3:49 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]


Note that a few of the links in the post are Amazon MetaFilter associate links. So if you use them and purchase e.g. a Castro brief for yourself, your partner, friend, work colleague, whoever, then you're financially helping MetaFilter a bit.

MetaFilter: supported by supportive beachwear.
posted by Wordshore at 3:59 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]


I'm not being nasacistic [sic]

NASAcistic: "I'm easily the agency's most vital and valuable employee."
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:15 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]


What do you call it when your shudder has a shudder and you end up vibrating so fast you turn into a kind of mortified blur?
posted by um at 6:50 PM on June 24


Excrucivibration?
posted by running order squabble fest at 7:38 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]


Discomfitfit.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:28 PM on June 25 [1 favorite]


Both fine suggestions.
posted by um at 7:13 PM on June 25


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