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INSTANT EVOLUTION
July 9, 2014 12:32 PM   Subscribe

Evolve FASTER, easier, without years of study. A new way to QUICKLY experience The Infinite One-ness. Discover a "mental" body, MYSTIC powers, ECSTASY. No meditation, no denials, no positive thinking. Reveals world's GREATEST living teacher. Send for free information. INSTITUTE OF ADVANCED THINKING

The quote above the fold is from Instant Evolution.

Some other forgotten classics:
posted by ardgedee (20 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

 
oh thank god I was getting tired of having to buy new occult supplys all the time
posted by The Whelk at 12:34 PM on July 9


i thought this was going to be a pokemon post, im upset
posted by elizardbits at 12:35 PM on July 9 [2 favorites]


what if you could mystically influence pokemon? Make them enjoy poffins they do not prefer?
posted by The Whelk at 12:37 PM on July 9


Man, these old hucksters have nothing on today's "ACTIVATE YOUR COSMIC DNA POTENTIAL"-type cretins.
posted by Invisible Green Time-Lapse Peloton at 12:42 PM on July 9


NEEDS MOAR TIMECUBE
posted by briank at 12:43 PM on July 9 [1 favorite]


Har har aside "The Millionaire From Nazareth" is a pretty ...appalling, no?
posted by The Whelk at 12:44 PM on July 9


This reminds me of the opening chapter of Clive Barker's "The Great and Secret Show," in which the main guy gets a job running the dead letter department at the post office, and starts to understand that there's all this underground stuff happening in America. I always thought the dead letter department would probably be the coolest job in the world.
posted by jbickers at 12:48 PM on July 9 [2 favorites]


These are great. I loved pondering the more innocuous ones in comics, Charles Atlas style body guides and "how to win friends through mesmerism." Wish I'd ordered a few.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 12:56 PM on July 9


DEFEAT EVIL LANDLORD: 200 XP
posted by griphus at 1:02 PM on July 9


> "RIETEENG FONIKLEE impelz koerekt speleeng."

At first I thought this was going to be an address in the Netherlands.
posted by benito.strauss at 1:02 PM on July 9 [6 favorites]


Oh man this really really makes me want to design some kind of ALIEN PHAROAH KINGS SUN CULT PROSPERITY CALENDAR and start selling it on Etsy
posted by Doleful Creature at 1:03 PM on July 9 [1 favorite]


Reads advert about aliens. "They are not here to play games". Puts Monopoly set back in cupboard, eats a Ritz cracker from a paper plate while gazing sadly out of the window
posted by fallingbadgers at 1:10 PM on July 9 [6 favorites]


They are here to chew space-gum and probe anuses. And they're all out of space-gum.
posted by benito.strauss at 1:21 PM on July 9 [3 favorites]


> At first I thought this was going to be an address in the Netherlands.

FUT BAUL SEEKRETS REEVEELD Noe Trikks. Noe Dieveeng. TOO GOLES EVREE MACH GARENTEED. Free Eenformashin sind S.A.S.E. too Louis van Gaal
posted by ardgedee at 1:23 PM on July 9 [3 favorites]


I can't help but read these in the voice of Billy Mays:

HI! BILLY MAYS HERE WITH CANDLE BURNING RITUALS.

ARE YOU TIRED OF BUYING SPECIAL OCCULT SUPPLIES?

WELL, HAVE I GOT A PRODUCT FOR YOU!
posted by evidenceofabsence at 1:34 PM on July 9 [2 favorites]


A surprising number of these have Wikipedia entries, by the way.
posted by aramaic at 1:45 PM on July 9 [1 favorite]


Oh man, a Magical Silver Mounted Badger's Paw! I wonder how much that went for, that wasn't any dime-store mystical talisman, no sir. There was some pretty classy junk in that sale I bet, I wish I could see the catalog!
posted by hap_hazard at 3:18 PM on July 9 [1 favorite]


The world ends tomorrow and YOU MAY DIE!
posted by vibrotronica at 9:37 PM on July 9


Don't worry, there's a seeker born every minute!
posted by tspae at 12:47 PM on July 10 [1 favorite]


ARE YOU TIRED OF BUYING SPECIAL OCCULT SUPPLIES?

Well, no...not yet and probably never will be. I mean, some people collect spoons, some people collect eldritch horrors.
posted by malocchio at 1:25 PM on July 11 [1 favorite]


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